Weird Job Hiring Requirements.

[Art Sandusky 0]

So I had to write this in order to get a job at a downtown restaurant. I'd said during the interview that I wanted to write or perform comedy ultimately, so they said that if I wanted the job, I had to put together a short work and perform in it. The people there were really jazzed about it when I showed up, and the whole staff (and everyone in the place at the time) was an audience.

 

Other things they've made people do are five minutes in front of the dinner crowd for a guy who said he played guitar (if they applauded, he got the job), a girl who claimed she was great at being persuasive was told she had to go get people off the street to come in, and a dude who was really nervous was told to scream like a girl as loudly as he could.

 

Here's what I had to write (I'm the Narrator), and share your own prerequisites, if you've had any yourself for a job before.

 

SCENE: A restaurant table, with two PATRONS sitting at it on opposite sides. The SERVER stands behind the table, facing downstage. A NARRATOR speaks.

 

NARRATOR: Hi, I’m the narrator. I hope this day finds you as well as it has found me; it’s positively gorgeous outside and I’m doing this voice job via satellite while my ass is sitting on a beach in Guam. Anyways, this is a video on your new job here at Chez Hoity-Toity. Yeah, we’re that successful that we can produce a training video.

 

(the SERVER gives the audience a look of approval)

 

NARRATOR: Not just that, but one with a top-flight narrator like me doing it. People think this stuff’s simple, but it’s not. You really have to capture the feel of what you’re narrating, and make others feel it also. I’m often asked if I like my work, but what’s not to like about being paid for just using your voice? I told my wife the other day that our condo was the house that vocal cords built. (the PATRONS and SERVER start to look bored) She thought it was pretty funny, but she’s finishing up med school and got on me about the technicalities of how people really speak and how it all really works. I hate when she does that. She also always leaves me with the bottom stuff in a cereal box. She knows I can’t stand it because the milk turns all those little grains into a soupy paste (the PATRONS and SERVER start to look irritable and frustrated) and it’s disgusting to eat, made even worse by her insistence on only bran-intensive cereals. I just wanted some Boo Berry, can a brother get some Boo Berry when he wants it? I’m an adult, right? Geez, I’m married, but that doesn’t mean I have to eat all her stuff, you know? It’s enough to give me fits sometimes, but I love her anyway. She does the most adorable thing when she sneezes where she -

 

SERVER (cutting off the NARRATOR): Hey, can we do this?

 

NARRATOR: Oh, sorry.

 

PATRON #1: Yeah, we’ve gotta act in this thing, remember?

 

PATRON#2: I’m calling our agent tomorrow, this is crap.

 

(the SERVER is more impatient as time goes on)

 

PATRON #1: Look, it’s work.

 

PATRON #2: What happened to the days when we would be the people who had up to three lines in major films?

 

NARRATOR: What were you in?

 

PATRON #1: Oh, we were in Cellular Death IV and a couple of USA TV movies.

 

NARRATOR: Wait, I recognize you, you’re the guy that told Billy that his friend had just collapsed while on his phone and said an ambulance was on the way!

 

PATRON #2: Yeah, that was me, back in the good days.

 

PATRON #1: We partied with Eric Roberts afterward, you know.

 

NARRATOR: Get out! How was he?

 

PATRON #1: Eh, little boring.

 

NARRATOR: What about Elizabeth Berkeley?

 

PATRON #2: Oh, her? She’s smokin’ these days. Shame that she thought it was a good idea to take on Showgirls as a project.

 

SERVER (angry): ALL RIGHT! Enough! I’m getting paid dick-all for this, so let’s go.

 

NARRATOR: By all means. First, greet our guests nicely and tell them what the specials of the day are.

 

(as he narrates, the SERVER and PATRONS act accordingly in the background)

 

NARRATOR: Refrain from telling the guests about any foul stenches they carry or ugly clothes they might be wearing. Also, keep small talk extremely light. And small. And talkative. And… uh… (the NARRATOR trails off)

 

(the SERVER and PATRONS look around and wait in a frozen position for the NARRATOR to resume)

 

NARRATOR (sort of mumbling to himself): Let’s see here… small talk, telling them specials, don’t slap loud children… wait, too far… Okay, guys, I’m lost.

 

SERVER: What?

 

NARRATOR: I had all this memorized just an hour ago.

 

PATRON #1: You don’t have a script in front of you?

 

NARRATOR: I refuse to look at one once I’ve committed my lines to memory. I’m an artist.

 

SERVER: Okay, how are we supposed to continue then?!

 

NARRATOR: How about we start over.

 

PATRON #2: Good idea.

 

(the NARRATOR clears his throat and everyone resumes their positions from the beginning)

 

NARRATOR: Ready?

 

(ALL nod)

 

NARRATOR: Okay then. Welcome to your new job with Chez Hoity-Toity, the finest in bourgeois dining in the Charleston area since March 17th and until we run out of money to pay off the newspapers. In this tape, you will learn how to become a contributing member of our team, the Hoity-Toity Team. Now then, when you first approach guests who have been seated at your table, do you A…

 

SERVER (super-easygoing): Sup? You guys hungry?

 

(loud buzz sound effect)

 

NARRATOR: B…

 

SERVER (sounding completely wasted yet paranoid): Guys, I’ve got to level with you. The table is crawling with insects and that door over there just turned into a supernova. In fact, I can’t even figure out how to make this thing in my hand make letters on this other thing. Just like, go somewhere else.

 

(loud buzz sound effect)

 

NARRATOR: We should add that we have a strict drug policy, and that is to do as much of them as possible in order to deal with guests. However, do not allow the guests to know that you are on acid at any time. Also, refrain from operating heavy machinery except your car, because, come on, driving while messed up is cool. Don’t believe the hype! Now then, when you first approach guests do you C…

 

SERVER: Hi there, how are you folks doing today? It’s a lovely red state kind of day outside, don’t you think?

 

(bell dinging sound effect)

 

NARRATOR: That’s right! Massage their fears that they may be dealing with someone who doesn’t want their grandparents running the country and make them feel right at home. Throw in a few racial slurs if possible. (the SERVER and PATRONS silently speak as the NARRATOR continues) Now that you’ve established a good rapport, offer them as many expensive things as possible, and exaggerate the quality of each thing to an unreachable standard.

 

SERVER: Our wine of the day is a fabulous 1294 bottle from southern French stock, and the bottle itself is said to have escaped being opened at the coronation of William of Orange in 1689 by sheer luck. It then went on to write several symphonies with the assistance of Brahms and Schubert, but these went unpublished and are gathering dust in the basement of an Austrian villa outside of Salzburg.

 

NARRATOR: Be creative. The wealthy will buy almost anything as long as it has history behind it.

 

PATRON #1: And that’s what makes it cost $1,500?

 

SERVER: A steal, if you ask me.

 

PATRON #2: That sounds good, we’ll take it.

 

NARRATOR: Hey, might as well exploit all these faux wine tasters who saw Sideways, right? After you’ve offered the specials of the day, ask if they’d like an… OW! DAMMIT!

 

(the SERVER and PATRONS nearly collapse in exasperation)

 

PATRON #1: Now what?

 

NARRATOR: A big windsurfing board just fell on top of me!

 

SERVER: Is this a bad time for you, Mr. Narrator?

 

NARRATOR: No, I can do this!

 

PATRON #1: It’s been eight hours since we started this morning, and since we’ve got a minor on the set for the part about dealing with children…

 

PATRON #2: Child labor laws say we can’t go any further.

 

PATRON #1: This has got to be the hardest $50 ever.

 

SERVER: So what am I supposed to do?

 

NARRATOR: I dunno, go back to work or something?

 

SERVER: This isn’t even a real restaurant! It’s a set!

 

NARRATOR: Look, I gotta go anyway. I’d invite you to come fishing with me later, but you’re like, 8,000 miles away or something. Bye guys!

 

(the PATRONS get up to leave)

 

PATRON #1: Good to meet you.

 

PATRON #2: We’ll see you tomorrow.

 

(they leave)

 

SERVER (shouting towards where the PATRONS left): But this is my own training as well… and how I do says whether I get this job or not! How am I supposed to work here?

 

(from offstage, the PATRONS speak)

 

PATRON #1: Go wash dishes or something!

 

PATRON #2: Dish bitch!

 

PATRON #1: Dish bitch? Awesome burn, dude!

 

PATRON #2: I know, I should totally use that later.

 

(they leave completely)

 

SERVER: Guys? Narrator? Director? Someone? Geez, do I even get the job?

[Nighthawk 0]

I would have told them to go fuck themselves. Which would have probably resulted in "You're hired." by the sound of this asshole place.

[Ted the Poster 0]

Kotz's script

(inside joke)

 

I'd said during the interview that I wanted to write or perform comedy ultimately

The fact that we have the same career aspirations both frightens and suprises me.

 

What resturaunt was this? I travel to SC quite a bit and might have been there before.

[Nighthawk 0]

I'd said during the interview that I wanted to write or perform comedy ultimately

The fact that we have the same career aspirations both frightens and suprises me.

Don't be. It's like two six year old who both want to be astronauts, or two twelve year olds who want to be marine biologists.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

What do you want to be a waiter for? I did that job for a couple hours one time, but I accidentally said fuck in front of at least five families, got a calm managerial talking-to that I turned into a red-faced argument in the office, and quit rudely in front of a packed house. Worst job there is. I'd rather suck trucker dick or be a chimney sweep.

[Jingus 0]

You had to do all that bullshit... just to be a waiter?

 

If that ain't one high-motherfucking-class restaurant where the customers leave tips that can't be counted in dollars on your fingers, quit yesterday.

[PLAGIARISM! 0]

'here's you're fucking meal, you fucking family'

 

Effort.

[iggymcfly 0]

Geez, I want to apply there. I'd tell them how my goal is to get rich gambling, so I can turn into a lazy alcoholic. I'd take 10 beer bongs, play a little poker, and I'd be fucking hired.

[Art Sandusky 0]

I'm actually working in the back of the house.

 

The place place is called Mellow Mushroom and adorned in all sorts of psychadelic colors and decorations. There's at least one in Atlanta also, since that's where it started. The one here's been open since 2001.

[Ted the Poster 0]

That is the most annoying Flash site I've ever seen. The skit you wrote is a hundred times better than that horrendous cartoon on the website. Seriously, "Mel O. Mushroom"? Good lord.

 

I've never been there, but I've had the pizza. Pretty good.

[CBright7831 0]

That is the most annoying Flash site I've ever seen. The skit you wrote is a hundred times better than that horrendous cartoon on the website. Seriously, "Mel O. Mushroom"? Good lord.

 

I've never been there, but I've had the pizza. Pretty good.

"Now that's a good looking shroom."

[Art Sandusky 0]

I'd never been to the website before I made that link.

[Ted the Poster 0]

Yeah. My first thought was "Oh man, am I on drugs right now?"

 

 

Har har.

[Art Sandusky 0]

The waiters and waitresses there are all such obvious potheads. You'll be forgotten for up to forty-five minutes, even if you're with people. They come back and say "oh man, sorry, I forgot about you guys." It's oddly endearing and the place is thriving.

[Giuseppe Zangara 0]

There's one here in town. They often have awful cover bands playing awful songs awfully.

[Eclipse 0]

I don't know if this is a weird requirement, but it was the first of it's kind.

 

I remember I was applying to work at a Toys R Us, and the interview was a group interview. We had to find a toy in the store, and pretend we were informing someone about the toy, and shit like that.