SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak (6/2/2005)

[Guest Robot Bastard]

SmackDown! from JHawk's Beak (6/2/2005)

by Jared "JHawk" Hawkins

 

From an episode of Raw that, while unspectacular, at least showed some sort of logic to an episode of SmackDown where the main event has pissed me off before it's ever aired. That might be a record, folks.

 

Tonight: Last week, Kurt Angle won a battle royal and got to pick his opponent for this evening. Rather than choose a shot at the WWE Championship, he chose Sharmell. This has absolutely no business being on TV, but I suppose I should be happy they're not expecting me to pay money for this, huh?

 

Segment 1

 

Let's relive how we set up this shitty main event.

 

Taped 5/31/2005 in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada at the Rexall Center! What a bizarre main event!

 

Carlito's Cabana!

 

After Carlito draws the cheap hometown pop, he calls Edmonton "the least coolest city in North America. And Carlito's been to Wyoming." Look at the damage Matt Morgan did to The Big Show last week. Show's not here tonight as a result. Anyway, Carlito's guest tonight is the WWE Champion, John Cena. Wow, the Carlito feud was the last time Cena was interesting, so this could be cool. Cena makes fun of Morgan's stuttering, which is cute but goes too long. Cena then tells Carlito he's not cool, then implies they're gay lovers because that's the only way he can get heat on his opponents. The comparison to Morgan and Michael Cole does draw a "Michael Cole" chant. But if Carlito's so bad and he can beat Cena in his first WWE match, what happens if someone in the main event of Raw comes over and goes for that title? Don't matter to Cena, and it sounds like Carlito wants some. Apparently, Cena talked to Teddy Long, and tonight's co-feature will be Carlito and Morgan vs. Cena and Big Show. What can I say to that except "at least it ain't Kurt Angle vs. Sharmell"?

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 

That seems like a quite pointless bit just to make a feature match. Granted, this is the most entertaining Cena's been in month, but he still has to go back and throw out the gay references to garner heat. So it's an entertaining segment, and a mild thumbs up for that reason, but Cena needs some freshening up pronto.

 

Segment 2

 

Theodore Long has his phone call interrupted by Booker T and Sharmell, and Booker demands the match be changed, but Long isn't going to cancel the match, but he will add Booker T to it and make it a handicap match. That might salvage it somewhat.

 

15-minute Iron Team Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship: MNM© (w/Melina) vs. Charlie Haas and Hardcore Holly

 

Haas and Nitro start. Haas quickly gets a series of near falls, showing how important the first fall is. Flying axhandle at the 1:00 mark for 2. Holly tags in, and Mercury backs away from Nitro's tag. Nitro reaches out and tags Mercury anyway, and Holly gets a roll up for 2. Suplex for 2. Two minutes in, and Holly gets a kick to the "gut" and jack knifes Mercury for 2. Damn, those are some stiff chops. Mercury with the boot to the face, and he gets a flying bodypress, but Holly rolls through and gets a near fall just past the three minute mark. Melina with the distraction, and Nitro kicks Holly into a roll up to gain the first fall at around 3:30. This leads to Holly being the face-in-peril, but he's able to armdrag Nitro and get a small package for 2. Armbar. Holly begins to focus on the left arm. Rolling cradle for 2 as we approach 9:30 remaining.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 

While we got away from it for a little bit right before the break, I like the focus on trying to gain quick falls and build up a lead. I'm confused as to why I should worry about an Iron Man format with just 15 minutes attached to it when most tag team matches approach 15 minutes anyway, but it does add a dimension to the match.

 

Segment 3

 

Haas gets run head-first into the turnbuckle as we're informed it's 2-0 in favor of the champions. Less than six minutes remain as Mercury locks Haas in the crevatte. Haas is able to get in an Oklahoma roll to cut the deficit to 2-1 at 9:33. Five minutes remain as the crowd chants for Holly. Haas is tied up in the ropes, so Holly chases the champions out of the ring and unties him. The champion keeps double teaming, doing anything they can to run the clock. This ain't football, so stop the prevent defense already! Three minutes remain. The champions continue their methodical attack. Haas avoids a double team in the corner and hits the lariat, and that's the break he needs to get the hot tag with less than two minutes to go. Holly works over both champions, getting 2 on Mercury with a full nelson slam. Holly slingshots Nitro over the top rope, then gets 2 off the dropkick with 1:05 to go. Holly wastes time by going to the top rope, and Nitro knocks him off the turnbuckle. The champions put it in deep freeze and set up for the Snapshot. Haas spears one of them, Holly hits the other with the Alabama Slam, and Melina covers her man just long enough for the time to expire before the pin. The champions retain 2 falls to 1, although the champions should technically have been disqualified for Melina entering the ring.

 

Still to come, John Cena and The Big Show vs. Carlito and Matt Morgan.

 

The Dudley Boyz return to pay-per-view at ECW One Night Stand.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 

Honestly, the finish does bother me, as managers are supposed to be automatically disqualified for entering the ring. Add that to how slow the match got with MNM playing defensive, and the result is an average tag team match. I'd like the story in a 30-minute iron man, or possibly in a one fall match, but needing multiple falls in such a short time frame hampers what you can do with this type of stipulation and keep it interesting. Don't get me wrong. I liked the match, but it just felt too slow after the break.

 

Segment 4

 

Michael Cole and Tazz discuss the Rey Misterio Jr.-Eddie Guerrero rivalry, which we relive in full with a video.

 

The handicap match is next.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 

Face facts, guys. John Cena has played second fiddle to the Rey-Eddie feud, which has been done very well (and is one of the few things they've gotten right on this show as of late). So knowing WWE, one of them will get drafted to Raw and we'll get no blowoff.

 

Segment 5

 

Obviously Drowning Pool's "Bodies" is the official theme song of ECW One Night Stand since it's playing in every ad.

 

Handicap Match scheduled for one fall: Kurt Angle vs. Booker T and Sharmell

 

Angle cuts a prematch promo calling Tazz out not doing commentary during the Kurt Angle Invitational. Was it for disrespecting ECW? Well good, because Tazz is the one who disrespected Kurt Angle in his lone ECW appearance on October 26, 1996. We've got footage to prove it. All he said was that Angle wasn't a professional (which he wasn't at the time). Angle knows Paul Heyman put him up to it because unlike everybody else in ECW, Tazz is a superstar. Not because of ECW, but because of WWE. Angle officially asks Tazz to join his team of SmackDown invaders at One Night Stand.

 

Now we actually get to the match as Tazz tries to ignore Angle's offer. Booker tries to keep Sharmell on the floor, but by WWE rules she's in the match and must be on the apron. Good call by Jimmy Korderas. Angle and Booker start, and why the fuck is Sharmell in the ring? Angle tosses Booker to the floor and goes for Sharmell, who runs, and Booker begins to get the advantage over Angle. Booker straddles the top rope after missing a leg lariat. Angle knocks him to the floor and again stalks Sharmell. He drags her into the ring by the hair, and sets up the power bomb (enjoying it just a bit too much), and he wastes enough time for Booker T to attack from behind. Book End! Up top, but Angle knocks Booker groin first onto the turnbuckle. Angle with the top-rope superplex, shades of Dynamite Kid, and Sharmell tries to cover the downed Angle, only getting 2.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 

Dear God, make it stop! Why the hell isn't Sharmell waiting on the apron for a tag? Obviously this is one of those "both members of the team are legal" deals that they never explain until the match starts, but why for this match of all matches?

 

Segment 6

 

Angle locks in a Fujiwara armbar as Sharmell acts concerned. From inside the ring. Just to piss me off. Booker fights out of the armbar, but he misses an elbow in the corner, and Angle goes into the rolling Germans, netting a near fall. Sharmell jumps onto Angle and tries to choke him, but Angle breaks and locks in a bodyscissors, taunting her as if to give her a Greco-Roman liplock. Booker breaks the hold, but he takes an Angle Slam for a near fall. Angle stalks Sharmell again, and down go the straps. Sharmell with a slap and a facebite, then punching him repeatedly. Angle blocks a kick and locks the Ankle Lock in, and Booker T makes the save. Dammit! Booker misses the scissor kick, and Angle shoves Booker into both the referee and Sharmell. Booker sends Angle out of the ring, then checks on his injured wife. Angle grabs a chair and hits Booker several times with it, then rolls Sharmell up as the referee wakes up, getting the pin at 11:52. Angle then holds the mount position until Booker recovers enough to make the save, shouting "I'm going to kill you".

 

That last-minute tag match is apparently the true main event tonight.

 

An ECW One Night Stand ad centered around Tommy Dreamer.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 

Repeat after me, WWE creative team. Kurt Angle vs. Booker T: good. Kurt Angle vs. Booker T and a no-talent woman who's such a waste of space that you already fired her a couple of years ago for being a complete waste of space: bad. This was perfectly acceptable when the focus was on Angle-Booker, but every single time Sharmell got involved, this bordered on Katie Vick levels of asinine. Seriously, what was the point? I would have done an angle before the match where Angle tried to take out Booker to make certain the match was one-on-one but accidentally took out Sharmell to make it Booker vs. Angle one-on-one. Instead we get this garbage.

 

Segment 7

 

John Cena does the promotional tour for the CD that is miraculously sold out everywhere when retail stores only get like three copies at a time. Hmm.

 

One fall: Heidenreich vs. Devon Nicholson

 

God, from Sharmell to Heidenreich. I think this might be a step down, sadly enough. At least we named the random local enhancement talent this week. Heidenreich finds a girl to be his friend this week, and she's either a plant or a confused little girl, because she actually wants to hear a poem by Heidenreich. Yeah, she liked the poem and overacted her line of "awesome", so she's gotta be a plant. Anyway, if you expect a classic catch-as-catch-can matchup here, you're an idiot, and Heidenreich dominates until getting the pin in 42 seconds.

 

The SmackDown divas essentially tell Mark Jindrak they want him on Raw, and he says they're getting old, and we need some hos who will put out.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 

How the fuck is this getting over? Seriously, how the fuck is this getting over? In real life, if somebody blatantly tries to win friends like that, he gets beat up by 15 guys in an alley somewhere. Granted, most people who do that don't weigh 275 pounds.

 

As for the diva thing, I'll agree with Jindrak if we get some divas who can, you know, wrestle, but since that's not likely, I'd rather see all the SmackDown divas get other jobs. Like porn stars or something.

 

Segment 8

 

One fall: Nunzio vs. John Bradshaw Layfield (w/Orlando Jordan and The Basham Brothers)

 

JBL claims he's got stitches and a bad back because of ECW. Somehow Teddy Long putting him in cage matches and "I Quit" matches is ECW's fault even though they were both around well before ECW was ever in existence. "Paul Heyman taking credit for their talent is like Al Gore taking credit for the Internet." "The captain of the Titanic had one shot at the iceberg, Paul Heyman has now gotten three." ECW's getting more over because of these rants than they ever were when they were running. Long story short, I think JBL's joining Angle's anti-ECW group. JBl does offer to make this ECW rules, which is accepted. Of course, outside interference is legal under ECW rules. Remember that. Nunzio crawls under the ring and returns with a kendo stick, and of course, he has to fight four guys with it. The numbers become too great, and a Clothesline from Hell and a kendo stick shot earn JBL the win in just 1:06. I'm starting to dislike this.

 

Booker T is angry that Angle put his hands on his wife, and he'll take it to Angle's house if need be. Long's willing to make the match, but only if neither one is drafted to Raw on Monday night.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 

OK. It's great that they're trying to hype ECW's pay-per-view so hard. And it's great they're putting ECW over in these promos. But it seems pretty counterproductive that on both shows this week, the pro-ECW wrestler lost ECW rules matches to guys who never set foot in an ECW ring. Somebody explain to me the point of that. ECW had better go over big time on June 12, because if they don't, WWE will have taken a sure money maker that they already started fucking up by announcing insane ticket prices and pissed away a huge moneymaking opportunity.

 

Segment 9

 

The Raw Rebound is actually disguised as a commercial for this week's draft lottery.

 

Tag Team Match scheduled for one fall: John Cena (WWE Champion) and The Big Show vs. Carlito and Matt Morgan

 

Show's going to start, and both opponents get to the ring apron thinking their partner will start. Cena makes the decision for them by rolling Carlito into the ring, so the faces break the first rule of the match. Show tosses Carlito over the top rope onto Morgan, and I think Morgan was supposed to catch him but fucked it up.

 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

 

Too soon to tell if this is going to be any good or not. Props to the creative team for the heavy tape job on Show's ribs, but Show's not selling it thus far.

 

Segment 10

 

Morgan in against the Show, and Show unleashes the slaps to the chest before tagging in Cena. A running elbow, then a bodyslam and an elbowdrop for 2. Morgan reverses a whip and boots Cena in the face, making him the face-in-peril. Morgan returns the bodyslam and elbowdrop combo and covers for 2. He goes for it again, but Cena avoids the elbow and makes the (hot?) tag. Show with a side slam, and now he favors the ribs. Boot choke. Carlito breaks it by pulling the arm over the top rope from the apron, and apparently that affects the ribs. Morgan's still the legal man, and he uses his knee to choke Show while Carlito gets cheap shots in behind the referee's back. The heels begin to focus their attack on the injured ribs, using quick tags to keep Show off guard. Russian legsweep by Morgan for 2. Side bearhug. Show tries to fight out, but gets stopped with a shot to the ribs. Show eventually gets knocked back into a hot tag, and Cena is a house of fire. All four men are in the ring, and Show hits Morgan with the slowest Cactus Clothesline ever to send both he and Morgan to the floor. In the ring, it's Cena hitting Carlito with the Five Knuckle Shuffle and F-U for the pin at 12:16. Cena checks on Show's condition after the match.

 

END OF SHOW

 

I was actually enjoying this one, oddly enough, and then there came the finish almost out of nowhere. Common sense strategy with Carlito and Morgan focusing on the ribs, and Morgan even showed some psychology by using the side bearhug at just the right time to heighten the drama. Then Cena tags in, hits two moves, and it's over. A good effort overall, but the ending felt rushed, either due to time constraints or to the need for Cena to hit the F-U.

 

Too bad this show didn't show a good effort overall. Oh, there were flashes of brilliance. Solid entertainment during the first half of Carlito's Cabana. Solid storytelling in the tag team title match. Angle and Bradshaw's ECW promos. But take a look at those things closely. The reliance on gay references bringing Cena's promos down. A handicap match that focused on the non-wrestler. Bradshaw's match doing more harm to the ECW PPV than good. And the one thing they've done a good job of building up, Rey vs. Eddie, gets a video package but neither man making a "live" appearance. Every time I started gaining the slightest bit of enjoyment out of this show, it was gone faster than I could snap my fingers. It's not very often I give a show with nearly 50 minutes of wrestling a thumbs down, but I just can't get give this halfassed effort my vote of approval.

 

But as always, somebody's bound to disagree, so drop me a line and let me know what you think.

[Guest Robot Bastard]

tl;dr

[tekcop 0]

What?

[The Dames 0]

Why did you post this here?

 

Dames

[Zack Malibu 0]

I can't vouch for this guy or anything, but there was an incident last week where an OAOAST post somehow wound up in General Chat. I'm guessing something to do with the board upgrades and site work.

[Guest Robot Bastard]

Why did you post this here?

 

Dames

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

because nobody reads the main page

[tekcop 0]

...But there's a WWE folder and stuff....

[Sideburnious 0]

I read the main page.

 

Just limit him to the WWE folders or something.