PROMO: "Murder and Pimping in Romania"

[Hank Kingsley 0]

"He who makes a beast of himself

Gets rid of the pain

Of being a man."

 

He was somewhere around Bucharest on the edge of the prairie when the drugs began to take hold.

 

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

 

The Masked Man's unicycle, the RED SHARK, barrels down the rocky "roads" of Romania, breezing past various animals and shrubbery.

 

He looks the same as he did months ago, when he filmed a public service announcement regarding filing the correct adoption papers. Except that his dress shirt is a bit more rugged, his tie is torn, his pants are tattered, and his shoes are nonexistent. So, really, he looks different. But at least his mask is in complete working order. From his mouth dangles a cigarette, burnt down to the BUTT. He spits it into a nearby bush and continues on his unicycle.

 

By the way, the drugs in question were opium and pure, uncut cocaine. He pretty much sliced a hole in his leg and poured it into his bloodstream.

 

The wound was roughly sewn together by a gypsy in his hometown of Craiova. He had used all of his money to purchase said cocaine, so he instead paid her with his shoes. They were 100% Italian.

 

Minutes later, a police rickshaw speeds by. The two officers, Errol and Markus, have been on The Masked Man's trail since it was discovered that he had been running a Romanian underage whorehouse in Diekirch, Luxembourg.

 

***

 

Actually, it had taken awhile for Errol and Markus to discover that it was The Masked Man behind it all. Errol did eventually find the boater's manual he was looking for, stashed away in a cardboard box next to a dead pig on the side of a Luxembourgian road. See, in Romania, a boater's manual is like an American social security card. No one actually has a boat in Romania, since it's a traditionally poor country. When a wealthy person lives in Romania, they're generally easy to spot: patrolling their boat in the Black Sea.

 

Errol and Markus found Mask's boat docked in a Black Sea port and, after receiving fellatio from two Romanian gypsies, they were given the information they needed.

 

(Things work backwards in Eastern Europe.)

 

Their lead took them to the set of Mask's public service announcement. All they found was a sock, a director with three bullets in his chest, and television's Reggie VelJohnson, sitting against the wall of a building, eyes bulging out of their sockets.

 

"Go home, Steve. Go home, Steve! GO HOME! GO HOME! GO HOME!"

 

Errol was at a loss for words, but Markus helpfully pointed out that Reggie had gone insane, and was now reciting lines from his hit television show, "Family Matters".

 

Oh, how'd they find Mask? He actually hadn't left yet, and was smoking a cigarette about three yardsticks away. Markus noticed the gun in his hand, and the chase was on. There were some detours, but you wouldn't be interested.

 

***

 

Errol and Markus had to ditch their police cruiser for a rickshaw when it was discovered that, well, there weren't any roads in Romania, really.

 

And currently, Mask finds this out the hard way. Whilst riding his unicycle, Mask notices an enormous, jagged rock in the middle of his path. However, in his current drug-induced state, he believes it to be a smooth, phallic launch ramp. With a battle cry ("GOD'S MERCY ON YOU SWINE!"), he hits the rock and soars off of his unicycle, over a picket fence, and into a family of lambs. The lambs paralyze him with their probing tongues, some of which lead him to a state of extreme arousal. Combined with his drug-induced state, this makes quite a disturbing situation.

 

Errol and Markus are finally able to catch up. Upon seeing their suspect, Markus removes his belt and begins to unzip his pants.

 

"You have the right to remain silent!" Errol cries, removing his pistol from Markus' pants.

 

Mask does not remain silent, however. As a matter of fact, he continues to whisper sweet nothings to the lambs that are nurturing him. Finally, the nothings are whispered. And in an instant, the lambs turn from The Masked Man and charge at Errol and Markus. The officers are overcome by the attack, knocked onto the grass and barraged with thick, warm tongues.

 

The Masked Man escapes! Or, tries to, at least. He hobbles a few steps, but man, cocaine is one hell of a drug. Deciding not to walk anymore, Mask whistles, which prompts a lamb to run over to its new master. Mask hops onto the lamb's back for a quick escape.

 

In theory, at least. The lamb's spine actually shatters upon impact. Mask decides to run anyway.

 

***

 

One hour later...

 

 

"By Craven, it seems as though we have lost him!" Markus cries, buttoning his pants and his cuffs.

 

"It looks like we are going to have to Google that cunning son of a bitch," Errol confirms, removing wool from his teeth.

 

***

 

"Welcome to the Bucharest National Stadium!" a guard greets the scraggly Masked Man, whose cocaine is wearing off and whose arousal is at an all-time high.

 

"Excuse me, sir," Mask begins, "I was led to believe that one of Romania's ten computers could be found in this building. I am tired and cold and have a raging hard-on. Could you please direct me to your computer?"

 

And so it happens.

 

***

 

"Markus, I said Google, not this...what is this, anyway?"

 

"This is Myspace, dear Errol. It is a place for friends!"

 

"Is this your profile? Sexyman69420?"

 

"It certainly is."

 

"Then why is your picture that of a woman?"

 

"As you know, we Luxembourgans have ambiguous physical appearances. With this picture, I can swing to my partner's delight!"

 

"Cool. But we need to look for our suspect, not...gallivant around this site!"

 

"I just need to check my picture comments. Let's see..."

 

He scans.

 

"Why, that's a nice comment on the picture of your breasts," Errol remarks. It reads:

 

"I find your voluptuousness to be quite alluring.I like that yours are natural and that you are not afraid to display them in the appropriate times, such as at the beach.I think that you are truly all that a woman should be."

 

The user's name? Matthew Allan Samson Krevice.

 

"M.A.S.K.?"

 

"He is online right now," Markus remarks, "we could chat with him."

 

Sexyman69420: a/s/l?

MASK: 27/m/bucharest, u?

Sexyman69420: 15/f/bucharest heehee

MASK: hello there sexy, i admire ur pix

Sexyman69420: thx babe. y no pix of u?

MASK: security reasons.

Sexyman69420: o.

MASK: but you could see me in person if u like ^_~

Sexyman69420: lol ur 12 yrs older then me!

MASK: age dont matter long as the cops dont know

Sexyman69420: k, well maybe i should get to no u better, 2 see if ur some1 i could take home 2 mommy heehee

 

"You're good at this," Errol remarks to Markus.

 

MASK: i dunno, right now i have one hand on my p**** :-D

Sexyman69420: oooh u dirty boy! how big r u?

MASK: u'd have to see it to believe it )

Sexyman69420: rawr!!! i want 2 so bad where r u?

MASK: national arena. i'm wankin in martial law's locker room 8-)

Sexyman69420: i'll be there in like 15 minutes babe, see if u can get big Janus in there too :-*

 

Errol is quite speechless.

 

"That was...incredible," he manages.

 

"All in a day's work."

 

***

 

Todd Cortez entered his locker room innocently. After all, who would guess that a former partner-in-figurative-crime and best friend(?) would be behind the door, pants around his ankles, sprawled out and flushed-faced in front of a computer?

 

An average man, perhaps, which is why Todd was so surprised to see the Masked Wonder. And, like a flash of gay lightning, The Masked Man yanks his pants back up, uncomfortable boxer alignment be damned.

 

"TODD!" Mask screams, "My Todd, I am so excited to see you!"

 

Todd decides to ignore the obvious (and awkward) erection joke, but before he can say anything, Mask leaps through the air and wraps him in a tight, vice-like hug.

 

"I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL YOU!" Mask continues, in an unbelievably loud manner, "AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M BEING CHASED BY THE PO-"

 

Finally, Todd presses his hand against Mask's mouth, giving his vocal chords a rest.

 

"Mask, do you realize how much trouble you'd get in if the higher-ups knew you were here?!" Todd's first words to his old partner aren't exactly the loving ones Mask shared. "You just walked out of your contract months ago, dude! You're lucky the cops aren't after you! Not to mention that-" he pauses, a disgusted look creeping onto his face, "-and stop licking my hand, you horse's ass!"

 

He yanks his hand away from the Romanian's mouth, wiping it on his pant leg as Mask licks his lips.

 

"Todd, I came here today to see you for the very last time. The cops already are onto me, dear friend, and I fear that it is only a matter of time. Granted, I have a terribly attractive fifteen year old coming here in about ten minutes to fellate me, but my minutes are clearly numbered. I just…I just wanted us to make amends. I know I left abruptly."

 

"Actually, we did have that whole dramatic dialogue before you left," Todd smiles, reminiscing, "you know, how we'd always have Ground Zero, here's lookin' at me, kid, that kinda stuff."

 

"Ah, of course," Mask pats Todd on the shoulder.

 

"Todd, I have one final road to mend. Were you ever told what happened to your father?"

 

"Yeah. He was an alcoholic and left my family when I was two. Then my brother Josh pretty much acted as my father, but he was killed by a drug dealer. That's why I'm straight edge and everything."

 

"NO!" Mask cries, "I am your father!"

 

 

 

 

"...no you're not, Mask."

 

"...no, I am not, Todd," Mask confirms, dejectedly, "I was just...I was hoping we could have some sort of emotional attachment before I left forever."

 

"We do, Mask! We're friends! We were partners! We totally kicked ass. You know how it is. You're just about the most unique person I know. Remember that time you wore those assless pants to the U2 concert?"

 

"Talk about Elevation!" Mask chuckles.

 

And with that, the two embrace. A tight, warm embrace of two friends who have been through so much, and will, unfortunately, never get the chance to experience the excitement ever again.

 

There's a knock on the door, and the hug is finally broken.

 

"That is she," Mask points out, "that is my native sex muffin. I do not mean to be rude, but..."

 

"No, it's okay, Mask, I understand. Anyway, Landon and I have to defend tonight."

 

"I still cannot believe you are with that sniveling son of a bitch, Todd. I expect more of you."

 

"He has his moments."

 

Mask moves to open the door, and as soon as he does, Errol barges in, shoving Mask against the wall.

 

"Hands where I can see 'em, you smarmy prick!"

 

Markus enters the room, casually zipping up his pants. He notices Todd and whips his gun out, keeping his eyes locked on the strange Mexican.

 

"The Masked Man," Errol continues, "you are under arrest for the murder of director Daryl John Simmons and for the pimping of underage women in Luxemburg. And for resisting arrest. And for other charges I do not feel like reciting at the moment. Either way, keep your fucking mouth shut. And don't even try anything with your Mexican fag friend."

 

"He is neither Mexican nor a fag!" Mask cries, breaking the rule Errol set forth unto him, "Let him go. You have no need for him. He's...just a friend."

 

"One of your six-hundred and seventy-five MYSPACE friends, Mask?!" Markus asks ferociously, and then, in a lighter tone, "...how do you get that many with no picture?"

 

"I have a charming personality and leave comments daily," Mask whispers.

 

"Oh."

 

"Goodbye, Todd!" Mask cries, "Remember our good times, as I will. Eat your vitamins, and stay away from dead babies. And don't forget to-"

 

*THUNK!*

 

Mask cannot even finish, as Errol slams his nightstick into the back of Mask's head, knocking him out cold. The Masked Man is forced out of the locker room, down the arena's hallway, past a man in a duck suit, and into the police rickshaw. Errol and Markus, satisfied, cart him off into the distance.

 

***

 

Hours later, the officers are back in their cruiser, barreling through Zagreb, Croatia. The Masked Man finally awakens. Errol and Markus do not notice.

 

"Yankees lost again," Markus bemoans, reading from a local newspaper.

 

"Fuck it," Errol cries, "we had to do fantasy baseball. An American sport! We could not have done fantasy arm wrestling, like I wanted. Ron Bath is dominating his division. We could be rich at the moment!"

 

"Never let me pick again."

 

They hear chuckling.

 

"Is that the Mask?"

 

"I believe so."

 

"Once upon a time there was light in my life," Mask sings,

"But now there's only love in the dark."

 

Markus turns around, pulling out his pistol.

 

"Mask, either you shut the fuck up, or this one's going in your mouth."

 

"NOTHING I CAN SAY,

A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!"

 

 

~Fin~

[Toxxic 0]

Possibly the greatest promo ever written.

[janusd 0]

.....ahahahahahahahaa.

 

Again, Supes brings teh genius.

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

...

 

I don't get it.

 

...

[Chuck Woolery 0]

The best times in this fed are when we're making fun of Todd for being Mexican.

 

Excellent work, my man. Excellent work.

[JJ Johnson 0]

You could have done one better and had Todd be your butler, and tell him you want everything spic and span.

[the.weej 0]

"NO!" Mask cries, "I am your father!"

 

 

 

 

"...no you're not, Mask."

 

That might be the exchange of the year. Not that I've really been reading in the last year or anything.

 

I'm honestly just commenting because SS thinks I may still have the magical touch to inspire hoards of replies, but I honestly thought this was pretty good. Classic Mask stuff that's needlessly violent, unbashedly profane and vaguely revolting, but just lovingly so. Promos like this you won't see anywhere else... and that's probably just as well.

 

-Z