Rondo Rclassics

[Guest The Amazing Rondo]

Okay this is gonna be great, TSM. I hope you know that laughing is a great way to burn calories, and a great way to get them back is a nice big burger. So sit down so I can start SERVIN' UP LAUGHS~!

 

I have this idea for a new show. It's about a gifted, but struggling writer, who works in a fast food restaurant. He has pages and pages of material written, plus all the plans and blueprints for the hottest club in all of western Maryland, but alas, nowhere to get his ideas out in his humdrum town. Things don't look good, and it seems like a dead baby's diary is going to get published before he does.

 

BUT THAT'S WHEN HE GETS THE IDEA.

 

Luckily, his local Long John Silver's, where he works as a fry cook and is known by his co-workers as "the funny guy," closes early, 10 to be exact. With a little help from his associates, the local LJS is about to start undergoing an after-hours transformation, and become THE LUSH PUPPY~!, a comedy club/dinner theater/bar and grill combo. Join Ryan and his friends as they help get THE LUSH PUPPY underway!

 

The characters:

Ryan: a gifted and struggling writer, his only disadvantage was being born in the wrong place. He writes all the material that gets performed on stage at the Lush Puppy. If he could get to Hollywood, he'd be huge, but he'll never get discovered. Or will he...

 

Emily: She may not be a Rhodes scholar, but she has a winning smile, a heart of gold, and is always willing to help. She handles publicity, and anything else that needs to be done.

 

Subin: He used to manifest his creativity through arranging the French fries in elaborate designs, but now he's signed on as the light and sound technician. Things are getting fancy for sure~!

 

Jim: the LJS manager, and the jealous one. He feels that if he's gonna be stuck here all his life, so will all his employees. You can bet he'll do anything he can to stymie Ryan's plans and keep him and his friends from SERVIN' UP LAUGHS~! late at night!

 

So pull up a chair, wipe down the leftover grease on your table, and enjoy the show! Because every night, late at night, Ryan and the kids are SERVIN' UP LAUGHS~!

[Guest The Amazing Rondo]

A western Maryland fry cook is waiting after hours to pick up a new shipment of beef from the distributor.

 

But when this truck driver turns out to be the most delectable and sultry vixen this side of the Appalachians, it turns out that maybe HE'LL be the one who's shipping HER some fresh meat.

 

And what happens when a car full of Catholic schoolgirls pulls up to the drive-thru? Maybe this fast food restaurant is about to beCUM an all-you-can-eat buffet!

 

Don't miss Special Sauce 3: XXXtra Value~!

[Guest The Amazing Rondo]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

 

"OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"

 

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, his head in his hands.

 

Finally, the president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[JangoFett4Hire 0]

LOL!

[In Credible 0]

The last one was good.

[alfdogg 0]

Hey, Czech. PM me the password for Rondo. I forgot what it was.

[alfdogg 0]

Just don't give it to CWM, or he'll change it so no one else can use it.

[alfdogg 0]

I'd get revenge by changing the passwords to all his gimmick accounts, but that's too much work.

[Guest The Amazing Rondo]

One day, Kermit the Frog is walking through the mall. He wants to buy a diamond ring for Miss Piggy to celebrate the reuniting of their on-again, off-again relationship. Unfortunately, the delightfully green amphibian doesn't have the money for such a venture. To try to solve this, he walks into a It's-Not-Easy-Being-Greenpoint Bank. He sits down at a teller's desk and notices the nameplate reads "Patty Whack." He talks to Patty about the loan and she asks him what he has for collateral. Kermit replies "Well, I have this antique vase." So he takes the vase out of his knapsack. Patty, not at all impressed with his token though, says "Oh please, Mr. Frog. That's just a cheap knick-knack." But the owner, a collector of vases himself, notices it and says to himself "Gee, that's exquisite! It must be worth tons of money!" So he walks over to Patty without wasting a moment and says "Hey! That's no knick knack, Patty Whack, give that frog a loan!"

[Guest The Amazing Rondo]

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

 

A Roamin Catholic!

[Guest Princess Leena]

Please give me these passwords so I can ruin your fun.

[Guest The Amazing Rondo]

Leena, keep this up, and tonight....

 

YOU'LL BE FACING CANE!!!

 

[Guest CWMwasmurdered]

I missed you.

[Guest The Amazing Rondo]

I have yet to find the point of glitter in make-up. This seems to be big in the high school circuits, not that I would ever stare at high school girls. Ahem. Anyways, even back when I was that age, it was something that we always had to deal with. I go into class and find my desk covered with the stuf. It’s like Liberace’s dandruff. I know that sometimes people like to write on their desks, but I don’t think a quarter-inch sparkle buffer is really a reasonable deterrent.

 

I try to ask the girls why they feel the need to put it all over them, and they say it’s fashionable. You should never consider yourself fashionable if it looks like you had a bad run in with your little brother’s art project. What’s next, hot glue and elbow macaroni? There’s a fashion statement I’d love to see. Britney Spears will be talking about how she spends hundreds of dollars a week on designer pasta for her wardrobe. It’ll get out of control. The non-conformists will be stapling spaghetti to their faces just to be ‘different’ and ‘edgy’.

 

I’m going to shoot myself the first time I see a girl walking through the mall with a shirt made of construction paper.

[Guest The Amazing Rondo]

I have a fondness for Bailey’s Irish Cream. Yeah, Bailey helped me out so I sort of owed him one.

 

I never understood Pac-Man. If I had an addiction to white balls I'd be a homosexual, not a video game character. And eating fruit does not make you do that, it just makes you seem like you give a shit about your health. Fuck that, if I’m eating white balls I have more than just a need for a better diet!

 

Happiness can come from anywhere. The same sort of feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you see a cute and cuddly dog or a baby, is the same sort of feeling I would get to see the cute and cuddly dog gnaw playfully at the baby’s head and drag it into the backyard. Happiness can come from anywhere. You may smile at a newlywed couple coming out of a church on a Sunday afternoon, while I smile a few hours later when the husband is so drunk his wife has to blow me in the parking lot of the hotel just to get her kicks. I told you it can come from anywhere. Thanks, Melissa.

[Guest The Amazing Rondo]

Now here's a RAT-orical question. What would happen if Mickey Mouse got in a fight with Minnie Mouse, and then KILLED her?!? I think it would go a little something...like this.

mickey_confesses.mp3

[Guest The Amazing Rondo]

Arkansas. Ark And Saw. Doesn't that sound like a chain of stores that only sells arks and saws? Anyway, why did Noah bring two of every animal onto his ark?

 

Because he needed XXX footage of animals having sex for a porno website he was setting up!

[Guest CWMwasmurdered]

I never thought I'd see "Mickey Confesses" posted. What about the other one?

[Man Who Sold The World 0]

This needs more redneck jokes. Stat.

[In Credible 0]

This thread needs some Mitch Hedberg!

 

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

 

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

 

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"

 

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

 

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

 

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'

[In Credible 0]

More Hedberg!!!!

 

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

 

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

 

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

 

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

 

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."

 

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

 

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

 

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

[Guest Felonies!]

I don't think you understand the premise of this exercise.

[Guest Princess Leena]

Yes. The point is to enlarge my ignore list as much as possible.

[Slayer 0]

Oh no, we've already had this fiasco before

[snuffbox 0]

At least a couple of the Hedberg jokes were funny.

[Guest The Amazing Rondo]

I actually sent ten of my puns to a joke contest to see if one of them would win the prize, but no pun in ten did.

[Guest The Amazing Rondo]

This is my idea...the story can be told by one guy who has met with some other guy in a coffee shop/cafe type restaurant every week for like years and years. The first meeting can be like, both of them go to sit down at the same table, and end up chatting, with the one guy's first words to the other being "I drink rats milk" which can be explained as his way of getting people's attention - his ice-breaker. and through their conversations, the story of the guy's life can come out. The other guy, or me I guess, can just be like a writer or something and starts off just listening, but eventually starts either recording or taking notes or both, which he can explain by saying "I try to tell my friends/family/etc these stories, but they don't believe me" so once we get past whatever age you are at now, we can fabricate a little.

[Guest The Amazing Rondo]

“Excuse me, that…that is my seat.” I said, stumbling as though puberty was racing back to me a dozen years past their prime. He barely glanced up at me. I know he heard me. His eyes told me that much. I leaned down, angling myself towards his open ear and repeated myself. “Excuse me…”

 

“I drink rat’s milk.”

[Ted the Poster 0]

At least a couple of the Hedberg jokes were funny.

[Guest CWMwasmurdered]

They aren't supposed to be funny.