Fantasy Questions.

[Guest Blue Man Czech]

Let's use this thread to discuss moves we're making in our fantasy leagues. Let's come together to solicit and deliver advice. I have the first overall draft pick in a Middlebrow Potboiler League. Do I draft Stephen King, John Grisham, Tom Clancy, or Dan Brown? Brown seems to show the most upward mobility and potential, but it might be smart to build around a proven established veteran like King or Grisham.

 

Also, because I like to have a few of these going at once, I have a late-first round pick in the Sports Mascot Keeper League. The board in my war room has Youppi!, Pirate Parrot, the Phillie Phanatic, Steely McBeam, and Ronnie Woo-Woo. Now look. Barring a miracle, the Phanatic is just not gonna be available by the time I get to pick, so just cross that one right off the bat. How do I rank the other four?

 

Someone came to me yesterday and asked me, "hey, Fantasy Guru Czech, I'm in a Pretentious Liberal Writer League. Do I sign Hendrik Hertzberg, or do I pick up EricMM off waivers?" I said, look. Hendrik Hertzberg is not going to come easy. Yeah, he's gonna bring you a lot of points for calling anyone west of Manhattan "hamburger eaters," or openly wishing for God to kill Republican candidates, but when he says stuff like "Ted Kennedy is a respected old lion," he's going to cause a lot of locker room friction among the rising stars of the Western Democrats. Chemistry is important, and he might rock the boat. EricMM is gonna give you the best bang for your buck. He doesn't write for The New Yorker, so he doesn't command a high price like Hertzberg, but he'll deliver all the left-wing pomposity for a fraction of the price.

 

Any help? Can I be of help to you?

[alfdogg 0]

I say go for the homer pick and Bennie the Bull.

[Guest Blue Man Czech]

A wise man once told me to separate my head from my heart in matters fantasy. I mean, yeah, I grew up with Benny, and would put in a code on NBA Jam to play as him, but didn't he drive drunk? Or grope a chick? Or something? I'm supposed to take a chance on a low-character guy like that? You think I'm fuckin' Al Davis here? I only want high character on my fantasy teams.

 

I just signed up for a Wal-Mart Employee Productivity League. I missed the draft, so I'm left with the waiver wire: I can choose from Hillary Clinton, The Girl I Went To High School With Who Made Me Bake Her A Frozen Pizza When She Was High During WrestleMania XIX, CanadianGuitarist, and CronoT. Now Hillary doesn't work as a lawyer for Wal-Mart anymore, so it's hardest to gauge her productivity, but I feel that she still has some connections to the company, so if she's elected, I could somehow win big. This is the ultimate in high risk/high reward waiver acquisition. Stoner Girl was cute and had a decent body for someone who abused it as much as she did, but she's been in and out of rehab, so it would be a sentimental selection more than anything else. I know CanadianGuitarist is a high-character guy, which I look for, but in all his Wal-Mart exploits that he shares, it's never elaborated on how much of his performance is quantifiable. I know he brings "intangibles," but is that enough for this league? Now, CronoT, his cart-pushing is easily measured, and it stacks up well. This is probably the smart pick, but I worry about his give-a-damn-o-meter stopping if I'm his general manager. He has to put personnel problems behind him and work as a team. See, this is why you never miss a deadline, kids.

[Dandy 0]

Ihave to know if the Walmart league is a keeper league or if you draft all new people each year. If it is a keeper, you would probably want to go with the strong pick of CronoT. He brings consistency year in/year out, and is a seasoned veteran. Guitarist obviously dabbles in switching to other stores when they come along with a better offer, and Stoner Girl is on the RR (rehabbed reserve) too often to contribute. Clinton shouldn't even be on the active roster.

[BifEverchad 0]

This is stupid.