So I've been sober for 3 days.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Why does your resting heart rate get that high? You're gonna fuckin' drop, pal.

 

You didn't look overweight in your photo. Just a bad ticker? Do you have sugar diabeetus?

[PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! 0]

An obsolete open-heart surgery at the age of seven months stemming from a condition known as transposition of the great vessels.

 

Fortunately for me I have only had two episodes, one in March and one in April of last year. The beta blockers are working well for now, but I have a date with a pacemaker/defibrillator in my near future. No homo.

[BruteSquad_BRODY 0]

Just spent 90 dollars on 6 bottles of booze. Fuck you quitters.

[Lt. Al Giardello 0]

What kinda booze?

[BruteSquad_BRODY 0]

Ummm... (Off the top of my head) Sour Apple Pucker, Bacardi _____ Rum, Armaretto Gold, Old Crow Bourbon Whiskey, Blue UV and uhhh... I don't recall exactly. I had 7 or 8 bottles left of various liquor left in my cabinet, but I need to restock for 3 MMA PPV parties in the next few weeks. Yeah I have to buy girly stuff to for the mixed company.

 

i love me some Old crow on the rocks.

[EL BRUJ0 0]

I'm drinking a 40 oz of Old English right now...

On my 3rd 40...

I might kick the shit out of the group of teenagers who live across the alley of me who smoke weed in the alley way.

 

I'll jack their weed to.

 

Byron, I hope you're happy

[Cut and Paste Bandit 0]

Watch some fights. Then go start your own fite.

 

I think Kinetic put it best when he said something to the effect that just going down to the store or a bar and buying a drink or a bottle of alcohol is so much more preferable than sitting around in some stinky guy's house for an hour petting their cat. I like quick business transactions, we talk, we exchange, we leave. I call again when I need some more, and that's that- and a lot of the people who I've found do weed out here are unfortunately tweekers as well, which is something I've been staying far, far away from for a while. And the rest who I've found are just kinda losers who I don't want to hang around just for bud. So, alcohol- the solution to all of life's problems.

[Guest Vitamin X]

That's not a very good gimmick, Venk.

[DrVenkman PhD 0]

It looked better in my head - a guy just randomly replying to things with an unrelated C&P'd response. I only intended to use it for a joke ballot, but then decided to give it a few more posts.

[Nighthawk 0]

What's with the business of always outing who's behind gimmicks?

[Guest Vitamin X]

If it's not a very good one, people should probably know who it is.

 

'Sides, what's with the business of hiding behind a gimmick?

[Nighthawk 0]

What kind of a dumbass question is that?

[PUT THAT DICK IN MY MOUTH! 0]

I bet Vitamin X really gets a kick out of telling little kids that Santa Claus isn't real.

[DrVenkman PhD 0]

It sounds like if you think it's not a good one, people should know who it is. I didn't go around telling people KANESRULESFAN was SJK's friend from another board just because I didn't like him. This is not to say I was happy with C&PB, but it was a short term one note gimmick which I intended to reveal was me on my own during or just after round 4 of the tournament.

 

Gimmicks are supposed to keep people guessing if they're used under legal board parameters (this sections only, and the Poster Tournament used to be hosted here).

[Polkaroo 0]

Polkaroo.

[DrVenkman PhD 0]

Polkaroo was here and I missed him again?

[Kinetic 0]

I guess now's as good a time as any to tell you guys that I was Chris Simms.

[Guest Czecherbear]

Fierce! was mine. I had to discontinue it because that gay guy's ANTM blog switched to dynamic image links.

[PUT THAT DICK IN MY MOUTH! 0]

I've never tried a gimmick. I can't bring myself to make the commitment.

[PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! 0]

Fierce! was mine. I had to discontinue it because that gay guy's ANTM blog switched to dynamic image links.

 

That must have been recent, because I had no trouble posting the links last month.

[Guest Czecherbear]

Bad relationship stories? Marvin wants to hear 'em.

 

I had a fish I couldn't hook back in the summer of '74. I was working the overnight at WRSJ in Lexington and this girl, this girl kept calling in to request "He's Not Heavy, He's My Brother" by the Hollies. Night after night! So this went on, and I had my producer Hal give me her phone number, and I called and requested a little tune of my own, if you know what I mean. So I told her I'd stop by and check out her record collection after my shift was over and the Jethro and Gonzalez Morning Party came on at 5. So I go to her apartment building, go up to her room, and the door is locked. Nobody answers, I go "Hey baybay it's Charlie Marvin, from Charlie's All-Night Rockhouse on Magic 103! Open the door! Hey--I'm not heavy, I'm your lover," I said in my best radio voice. So I go downstairs to the guy at the desk and ask what happened to Ella from 7B and I find out she just packed her bags and left town an hour ago. I never saw Ella, and to this day, I dedicate every day of Marvin's Morning Madhouse to you, Ella.

 

We'll be right back with some Clapton for your morning.

One of my earliest gimmick efforts. That thread, by the way.

 

I probably could've made it work had I put a little more thought into it. I was 15, and just wanted to get in on the gimmick poster fun. Dr. Tom threatened to IP ban me. Maybe I'll IP ban Dr. Tom.

[PUT THAT DICK IN MY MOUTH! 0]

That thread, by the way.

 

lol

 

Well, why not have one more on topic post. I figure I can play for third on here. Note: This post brought to you by "One Last Breath" by Creed.

 

I was a freshman in high school when the whole damn thing started. I was invited to a birthday party of a girl I hardly remembered. She had been in my class, but had been held back due to some family emergency. No big deal. Anyway, I go, get reacquainted, but no biggie. Next year she comes to high school. Well, ladies and gentlemen, start the fan and start flinging to hit.

 

I was just... sheesh, twitterpated, head over heels, hook line and sinker and add whatever metaphor is appropriate. I've got it bad. She's this cute blonde little thing, sweet and to be real honest, got a great rack, but that wasn't what I gravitated towards her about. I just really liked her. A lot. Seriously. I'm just crazy over her. So, I'm at the Homecoming Dance and I ask for a slow dance. I didn't get it. Well, whatever. I kinda glossed it over. Then it went downhill. She came and talked to me. She came and hung out around me off and on the whole night.

 

As the school year goes on, I get worse, I finally ask her about a movie or something. I get the run around. No straight answer. Girls note this: DO NOT do that to guys that obviously like you. So, in not getting a straight answer, I cling to this maligned hope. And things get worse. I'm asked for help with homework. I do stuff in the local festival parade and she is, of course, in her cheerleading uniform and comes to talk to me. ARGH! She even tells me what a nice guy I am.

 

This goes on until NEXT homecoming. I finally get that dance. Cloud 9. But then she just runs off and I, not taking the HINT, wait for her to come talk again. I go from Cloud 9 to 5th Circle pretty fast. My friend, God bless him, gets me out of there. And when he does, I finally get PISSED about the whole thing. I mean, I wrote her poems that were pages long. I basically pulled her out of some bad grades by sheer willpower and whatever else you can think of. And she never gives me a straight answer. So I'm seriously pissed about being led on. She comes and tries to play innocent the next Monday where the same friend and I were library workers and I just lose it.

 

Her response? I was nice but I was somewhat weird and she didn't know what her friends would think. Now, this is out of character for me, but LA-DE-FUCKING-DA! So I was an academic team member that would wear buttonups with jeans (what the hell is wrong with that?) and enjoyed reading a book and my friends were "nerds." And Heaven forbid someone thinks that ANYONE other than myself and my friends are weird.

 

One of many reasons that I hate high school. Let's just hope this post wasn't too scattered.

[Guest Czecherbear]

Not even close to the scariest post in that thread. Jingus has a post in there that you'd think would be the one because it's Jingus, and his isn't the worst either.

 

TheSmartMarks circa 2002 was a festering cesspool of overly emotive and awkward nerds, before we grew callous and depraved and generally self-aware. Whenever you see a really long thread where everybody's accounts are deleted on the left-hand column, you know you're probably going to have to rub yourself with a sponge till your skins turns pink and the weird crawly feeling finally subsides. Even Incandenza invoked the tildebang. Should we vote on deleting this entire board from Internet history and starting anew?

 

* Daniela - Some of you have heard this story, it's probably my darkest deed and worst day. In 8th grade, I was obsessed (that's really the best way to put it, sadly) with this girl in all but one of my classes named Daniela. Unfortunately, she had a boyfriend (oh, and I was one of the most hideous people at the school, with huge glasses, dirty clothes, long hair, and a slithery rat-like appearance). So what did I do? I had "a talk" with her boyfriend, and told him that I cursed him for going out with the love of my life. As many possibly know, the only way to make a curse work is if the victim believes it. Sure enough, Carlos did, and he broke up with her. I tried many approaches, all of which failed, until Valentine's Day. Inspired by a practice during the Vietnam war of leaving a "calling card" of the suit of spades on a victim, I took face cards, all hearts, and wrote a series of poems on each one, leaving her one each period. As if that wasn't weird enough... well, one of the poems (the only one I still remember) openly referenced necrophilia (!), and she got freaked out and called the counselors on me. I was asked point-blank if I was a necrophiliac who was casting Satanic love spells. How do you answer that? Last I heard, she was a lesbian, and the joke is that it's because of me. I can't confirm that, unfortunately nobody's been able to give me a trustworthy denial of that either

[Kinetic 0]

Well. I'm both relieved and a little surprised to find that I didn't share any embarrassing stories in that thread. I certainly wasn't above it, and I definitely recall posting a big ol' tl;dr detailing every last excruciating detail of a relationship I had when I was 16. I think I even threw the lyrics to "Idiot Wind" in there. Good god.

[PUT THAT DICK IN MY MOUTH! 0]

I'm sure glad I spent my early 2000s posting on other forums. No embarrassing history for me in these archives!

[Guest Vitamin X]

I bet Vitamin X really gets a kick out of telling little kids that Santa Claus isn't real.

 

Santa Claus is a perfectly good gimmick.

 

The Easter Bunny, on the other hand. Awful.

[The Niggardly King 0]

I'm still mad someone deleted my WorldsGreatestGook gimmick. Then I was Shelton Benjamin and triplehrules2006 or something like that but forgot the password. Face Turn was a tremendous point for me because it allowed me to be as terrible as I wanted to be. I should of kept "TheDictionary" going a lot longer, but I got drunk one time and accidentally made a dictionary post on this account and was to ashamed to don the The Dic's mask again.

[Lt. Al Giardello 0]

I had various of wrestling gimmicks at allhiphop.com, it was fun.

 

Also, I got drunk and did cocaine last night.

[The Niggardly King 0]

Niggs, you ain't supposed to do da caine once you have a kid.

[Lt. Al Giardello 0]

Shut the fuck up...