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About this blog
It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.
Entries in this blog
Fart of Fury
Falwell, Friends List
Fair Haired Child (Masters of Horror)
Erotic Nights of the Living Dead (Day 19)
Plot: Like you're watching this for a plot synopsis.
Review: Porn and Zombies? Yep, it's been done before: Porno Holocaust, Erotic Orgasm, Naked Lovers, and to a far lesser (and grosser) extent, Porn of the Dead are proof that some want to see flesh eating cadavers and people fucking in the same movie. Hey, whatever gets you off, I guess. Now, from the man who gave you the notorious Anthropophagous and it's sequel Absurd comes (pun intended) "Erotic Nights of the Living Dead."
First, how does it work as a porno? Well, there's a memorable sequence involving a woman, a wine bottle, and a cork. Other than that, this is rather tame. Sure, there's sex, but for the most part, it largely isn't that hardcore-George Eastman (who also wrote the movie) even keeps his pants on during sex. Also, the sex itself isn't really that erotic.
So, how about the zombies? Well, the good news is, they are great, and quite creepy. Nearing the end, the movie even builds upon some atmosphere, and the gore is pretty good (yes, we do see a guy getting his cock bitten off.) However, the scenes of the undead doing their thing (no, the zombies don't fuck) are often inter cut with sex scenes, which ends up being distracting as a whole. That ends up being a problem, as it becomes clear that director Joe D'amoto* doesn't know what kind of movie he wants to do.
In the end, it doesn't work that well as a porno, and as a zombie movie, it works better. However, the two just don't see eye to eye.
* Apart from Anthropophagus, D'amato also directed "Porno Holocaust" and "Erotic Orgasm. He's mostly known however, for directing the MST3K favorite Ator The Invincible.
Rating: 4/10 A missed opportunity to say the least. Who keeps their pants on during sex anyway?
Next Time: Sugar Hill.
Entry With a Mission
EHME
Down In The Park
Depeche Mode Albums
Dead Man's Party
Walkin' with a dead man over my shoulder
Waiting for an invitation to arrive
Goin' to a party where no one's still alive
CHORUS
I was struck by lighting
Walkin' down the street
I was hit by something last night in my sleep
It's a dead man's party
Who could ask for more
Everybody's comin', leave your body at the door
Leave your body and soul at the door . . .
(Don't run away it's only me)
All dressed up with nowhere to go
Walkin' with a dead man
Waitin' for an invitation to arrive
With a dead man . . . Dead Man . . .
Got my best suit and my tie
Shiny silver dollar on either eye
I hear the chauffeur comin' to the door
Says there's room for maybe just one more . . .
CHORUS
Don't run away it's only me
Don't be afraid of what you can't see
Don't run away it's only me . . .
Dead Heist (Day 22)
Plot: A bank heist goes horribly arry when (what else) the dead come in for food.
Review: As far as recent Urban Zombie movies go, "Dead Heist" is better than Zombiez, but worse than Hood of the Living Dead and Gangs of the Dead. That's not saying much, especially when you consider the fact that "Hood" and "Gangs" are bad movies too.
The dead here are cut from the same cloth as the speedy zombies from the Dawn of The Dead remake and the infected from 28 Days Later and it's sequel, only generic instead of interesting or frightening. The gore is nothing new, though the fact that the dead can only be killed by being shot in the heart (and you're to blame...) is a poor attempt at trying something different.
As far as acting goes, Big Daddy Kane does the best job. He's not good, mind you, but he does the best job. Amusingly, while Bone Crusher and E-40 are advertised as staring in it, yet they aren't in the movie for very long-Bone Crusher appears in the beginning as a patron in a strip club so tame it could have passed for MTV's "The Grind", then disappears. Meanwhile, E-40 has less than 5 minutes of screen time as a porn director, and gives a "alright, where's my paycheck already" level performance. The rest of the cast ranges from a dead ringer for Vin Diesel to the white female cop, a white businessman thinking of joining the Nation of Islam (har har), and plenty of stereotypical gang banger characters.
While not the worst recent Urban horror movie, there's still nothing worth recommending here.
Rating: 2/10 I have no idea whether or not the fact that this reminded me of the "Attack of the Street Pimps" bit from Hollywood Shuffle is a good thing or a bad thing.
Next Up: The Grapes of Death
Dead & Buried (Day 26)
Plot: Sheriff Dan Gillis (James Farentino) is investigating a series of murders in the town of Potter's Bluff. So, why are these dead bodies coming back? Does Mortician (Jack Albertson, in his last performance) have something to do with it?
Review: Released by a major studio, written by Dan ("Alien", "Return of the Living Dead", "Total Recall") O'Bannon, and directed by Gary ("Raw Meat", "Poltergeist III") Sherman, "Dead & Buried" tanked in the box office, but faired better on VHS. In the 80's era of Slasher movies and Splatter flicks, it's really a lost classic.
The plot could best be described as Stephen King meets E.C. Comics with a bit of H.P. Lovecraft. The dead in the movie aren't shambling, rotting corpses, and that's what makes them so eerie and unnerving-they just seem so much like normal people. You wouldn't know hey are zombies if you saw or talked to them, but you would know that something about them isn't right. While hardly a gorefest, it still has some memorable moments, including an infamous hypodermic needle to the eye sequence.
Acting wise, Jack Albertson steals the show as Dobbs the mortician, adding a nice undercurrent of black humor, as well as a sense of pride and respect for his work-you can tell the actor is having the time of his life playing the villain for a change. The rest of the cast is great, with faces such as Melody ("Flash Gordon") Anderson and Robert Englund popping up.
"Dead & Buried" is one of my favorite 80's horror movies, and should be seen by anyone who says they love horror. Believe me, you won't regret it.
Rating: Either 9/10 One of the best Zombie movies you don't hear much about, "Dead & Buried" is an underrated gem.
Next on the Plate: Dawn Of The Mummy
Dawn of the Mummy (Day 27)
Plot: A group of supermodels disturb the sleep of a mummy, incurring it's wrath-as well as the wrath of the undead.
Review: Filmed in Egypt, this Italian/American co-production is a lot of things, but good isn't one of them. If anything, it's proof that not every Italian Zombie movie is going to be good (see also: Zombi 4: After Death; Killing Birds.) Thing is, unlike say, Hell of the Living Dead, this isn't even entertainingly bad. It's just mind numbingly boring bad.
The movie does offer some decent gore, but it's not until the last 15 minutes that the dead attack, and by then, it's too little, too late. You have to sit through atrocious acting and nothing notable happening. Also, the movie has characters who are supermodels, but none of them disrobe. Granted, it's hardly the first time an exploitation movie promised a lot but delivered little, but that's beyond the point. There's nothing interesting in the movie, and it feels too much like warmed over, reheated trash instead of entertaining trash. There's very little here that's interesting, while other Italian Zombie movies like Burial Ground and Zombi 2 remembered to bring the sleazy, gory goods.
"Dawn of the Mummy" is a waste of time for anyone and everyone involved, and isn't even worth watching drunk or stoned.
Rating:0.5/10 a very, very dull and painful viewing experience. Better than a shot on camcorder horror movie, but that's hardly a compliment.
On the table next: Hell of the Living Dead
Das Komabrutale Duell (Day 9)
Plot: A dude is killed, another guy wants revenge, and people kill each other, then return...over and over again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Review: I don't even know why I bother. As I mentioned in my review of Zombie Bloodbath, the 90's gave us a series of horrible shot on camcorder zombie movies. This wasn't just an American phenomenon, as this was also hugely popular in Germany, which has somehow become a haven for terrible microbudget splatterfests. This is no exception, and actually manages to be worse than Zombie Bloodbath. At least Zombie Bloodbath had something resembling a plot.
The whole thing literally feels like it was made by a bunch of teenagers with a severe case of Attention Deficit Disorder and a camcorder. There is literally no plot to speak of, and it's the cinematic equivalent of watching somebody play a dreadful "Mortal Kombat" rip off, only somehow worse.
Look, just because you and your friends own a camcorder and love horror does not mean you should be making horror movies yourselves. Oh, and Unearthed films: this did not need to be released on DVD stateside, ok?
Rating: -/10 Instead of explaining it, I'll let this video do the talking for me
Next Time: Frozen Scream
Damn
Crazy Preacher, Prince Harry, Season Finales, and Phelps
Crazy Preacher pt. 2, Homework, and RIP Bruno Mattei
Cosmo Kramer Doesn't care about Black People
Come on, a talking ass?!?
Come on now...
Christmas Albums
Christ on a Pogo Stick...
Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk
Ch-ch-changes
Carnival of Souls (Day 4)
Plot: After a car accident, A woman finds herself in a strange carnival of the undead.
Review: One of the best pre Night of the Living Dead zombie movies (yes, the undead existed in movies before that-and they didn't eat human flesh either), "Carnival of Souls" is also a horror classic. Made for about $33,000, and released in drive in theaters with little fanfare, it has sense become heralded as a classic-and rightfully so.
The film itself feels like a nightmare meets a Twilight Zone episode, and the zombie make up isn't that great (again, made for $33,000), it nevertheless is a haunting gem, well acted throughout, and containing a killer climax to boot. In an interesting turn of events, the movie was more influenced by the likes of Bergman than the other drive in quickies of the time, which probably explains why it originally went ignored upon it's original relase.
If you want to see it, it's public domain, and easy to find. If you want to get it on DVD, get the Criterion Collection 2-Disc version, and while I love MST3K, avoid the version with Mike Nelson on commentary mocking it (seriously Mike, stick to ripping on bad movies.)
Verdict: 10/10 A horror classic that deserves to be seen by everyone-even those who normally don't watch horror.
Next Time: The Dead Pit.
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