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It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

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How To Vibrate
 

See "The Descent" you Motherfuckers

-I saw "The Descent" last Friday night, and all I have to say is this: See it now. Hell, see it twice if you have to. Seriously, this is the best horror movie that you will see this year. It's got some nice gore, realistic characters instead of the normal dumb teens you normally get, and it's intense and scary as hell. Basically, fucking see "The Descent", because it kicks all of your collective asses, and is better than any other horror movie you will see this year. Oh, and I won't quit talking about it until more people have seen it.   -I had no idea Masked Man of Mystery had a blog. He's a decent guy, and while a bit of a geek who takes things a bit too seriously at times, I like him.   -See "The Descent"   -If you've been on Youtube lately, you probably have heard of a weird ass web cartoon called Bart the General, which is what would happen if a Simpsons fan with ADD took MDMA and made a web cartoon. This is possibly the strangest thing you will see this year, and it's already gaining a cult following on the web.   -See "The Descent"   -On Rick James B1tch: Dude, change your name, because that "Chapelles Show" skit stopped being funny the second people started quoting it.   -See "The Descent"   -Brendon Smalls is a genius. His new show "Dethklok Metalocalypse" debuted on Adult swim last night, and it rules. Also, they are showing new episodes of "The Venture Brothers" again, and that show is now the best cartoon on TV.   -See the Descent
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

1
How To Vibrate
 

I'm tired of Zombie Movies

-To EvanderHollyfieldsMissingEar: I never said that you have never encountered racism. I just think that you are seriously overreacting to Rant saying "nigga"   -I am officially tired of zombie movies. Sure, there's been some great ones (Land of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Versus, Wild Zero), and some good ones (Junk, Stacy, Dead Meat, Choking Hazard, Plaga Zombie: Zona Mutante, Undead), but as of late, I have been bobarded with an insane amount of shitty zombiie movies. After seeing the likes of "Dead Life", "Zombie Night", "The Wickeds", "Dead Men Walking", "Zombiez", "Hood of the Living Dead", "Storm of the Dead", "After Sundown", and etc. I have officially grown tired of zombie movies. I mean come on, anybody can do a zombie movie, it's just that not everybody can do a zombie movie right.   It takes more than knocking off Lucio Fulci or George Romero to make a good zombie movie. It takes more than a whole lot of gore effects and zombie make up to make a good zombie movie. You need interesting elements, halfway decent acting, and more than a handheld camera to make a good zombie movie. Good zombie movies are not some bullshit that has been shot on video that rips the story off of either "Night of the Living Dead", "Return of the Living Dead", "Evil Dead", or "Zombi 2". And for God's sake, quit stealing scenes from those movies. It's not "paying tribute", it's being low on ideas.   Then again, this has been a problem since the 80's. "Dawn of the Dead" came out, and then "Zombi 2" came out. Then we got a spring of zombie movies. Some great (Re-Animator, Day of the Dead, Return of the Living Dead, Dead and Buried, Night of the Creeps) some good (Night of the Comet, Death Warmed Up, One Dark Night, Dead Pit), and some really bad ones (Neon Maniacs, Zombie Brigade, Night of the Zombies, Chillers). Then came the sov zombie movies, in which teenagers and college kids with no clue on how to make a good movie, made zombie movies. This trend unfortunately continues today.   The point is this: Enough with the zombie movies. Unless you actually have some talent, then movies like "Severed" and their ilk will continue to be made. Untill then, I am sick of zombies, and will continue to be until some good ones are made.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

Foley's Missing Ear

-It seems like Mel Gibson was caught being a drunk jackass. Oh, and he hates the Jews. I would talk about how I'm not suprised, but I'm still waiting for kkktookmybabyaway to make an offensive statement.   -I watched some show called "Little Britain" last night, and to be honest, I still don't see what all the fuss is about. It's funny the first few times, but it loses all that it is when you realize that it's basically the same jokes over and over again. Kind of like the "Astronaut Jones" skits: It was funny at first, but it soon get's repetitive.   -Also, "Moral Orel" isn't too funny either. I know it's a parody of "Davey and Goliath", but it tries so hard to be offensive, that it's just boring instead of funny. Also, the creators seem to have a real ax to grind with religion and their parents, which just adds to the tedium. Just quit trying to shock people, and try to focus on actually being funny.   -Ann Coulter claims that Bill Clinton is gay. I can confirm that this is true. Hey, I was drunk, he's famous, and one thing led to another.   -I really can't wait for "The Descent" to come out on Friday. Out of all the movies this summer, this is the one I'm waiting for the most.   That's all for now.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

1
How To Vibrate
 

A trip to Wal-Mart

Note: if you are expecting a "Walmart is the scorn of America because it's an evil corperation and it ruins smaller ones" rant, then this is not the entry for you. Otherwise, enjoy   I went to Walmart last Tuesday. Normally, I only go there to get food, but other than that, I usually don't go there. Not because they"are trying to destroy the world" as some would want you to believe, but because other than the low prices, they just don't interest me. Oh, and because of the customers and workers.   Anywho, I decided that I need a new pair of headphones, so I asked where they are located. The girl I asked in the electronics looked at me for about fifteen seconds like I was an idiot. Now maybe I should have known where they were, but that's beyond the point. As I already said, I normally don't go to Walmart, so how the hell should I know where the headphones are in the electronics section? She eventually helped me, but still looked at me like I was retarded.   The people at the cash register aren't any better. They were either a.) old people who should be retired already or b.) lazy teenagers who have no clue how their jo works. I ended up getting the teen. It was some fat chick, who always seemed pissed off and was also rude, though not as bad as the girl that I mentioned earlier. Oh, and she was also fat. What is it about Walmart that seems to attract fat people?   Oh, and there is a reason that this place is called "white trash capital of the world": because it is dangerously filled with white trash. You know, unwashed, tattooed guys with horrendous mullets, and mothers who hit their children in public. Oh, and ladies, leave that shit at home. Hell, leave your kids at home. I don't need to hear you yelling at them and smacking them around in public. That's just disturbing.   So, what did I learn from all of this? I learned that next time I need headphones, I'll go to Radio Shack.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

5
How To Vibrate
 

A picture of Steph's Baby

After countless web searching, I have found a picture of Stephanie McMahon's new baby. Here's the picture, in all it's glory:   now, onto other things   -Slant has to be one of the most retarded webzines online. If it wasn't for their undying love of Dario Argento Movies, I'd write them off completly.   -That Yates chick was found not guilty by insanity. My response: bullshit. It was five children, her own children might I add- that she killed. I don't care how crazy she is, that should count as guilty.   -Ever heard of David Icke? He's an anti-semetic nutcase who believes in a reptlilian alien illuminati that has taken over the government. Oh, and he thinks he's the son of God. And that he can communicate with the spirit world. His message board is full of wackos. Also, he thinks that somehow, the matrix is real, and he's had several books published.   -Lance Bass is gay. As I said in the music board, I thought he was "Bi, Bi, Bi". Christ, that joke sucked.   -Finally, Leena's avatar pictures are awesome as of late. Keep 'em coming Leeners.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

The Most overrated Horror Movies ever made

Earlier, I promised that yuou would see my list of what I think are the most overrated Horror Movies ever. Well, here's my list.   -Friday the 13th Part 4-I never got the love for this one. Sure, it's got some nice kills, but it's also not the best of the series (I think that would have to be Part 2). Plus, Jason is killed by Cory Feldman. Seriously, of all the people, why him?   -The Lost Boys-Everyone seems to love this one but me. Sure, it has it's moments, but compared to "From Dusk Till Dawn" or "Near Dark" (which came out that year), it's inferior. Check out "Near Dark" instead, which is considered a horror classic for good reasons.   -Cannibal Holocaust-Whether or not it inspired Blair Witch is beyond the point: this one is not as good as it's reputation says it is. Sure, the score is nice, and it is disturbing at times, but for the most part it fails due to some weak gore and the fact that it tries so hard to shock you, that you just grow bored. Then there's the whole "I wonder who the real savages are" ending which is forced and contrived. Seriously, this movie condemning sensationalism while wallowing in rape, tortue, and animal mutilation is pretty hypocritical.   -Zombi 2-Lucio Fulci's gorefest is actually kind of a bore. While the good parts work, the movie is mostly really talky and boring. To those who say it's better than Romero's zombie movies: Romero's Zombie movies have interesting characters you sympathize for, have much better acting, are more professional, have a plot you can follow, and are better than this movie could ever be. Oh, and there's the fact that some talk about the film pulling off social commentary. To those who think that: Fulci always thought that such things didn't belong in his movies/   -April Fools Day-It's ironic that so many horror fans hate "Scream" but love this movie, which is more self aware, and thinks that it's smarter than it's audience. I will agree that the sequals to Scream (and the many knock offs) do fall for that trap.   -NOES 3-I have to admit, I only liked the first NOES movies. I personally think that once Freddy started saying one liners and such, the series began to suck. To this day, the popularity of this movie alludes me.      
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Put that thing back in your pants

-Well, things are alright in my world. I'm thinking of finally breaking down and buying an iPod or MP3 player of some sorts, because I'm tired of buying CR-R's   -My brother called me a conservative today because I don't see the draft coming back in the future. Oh, and Newt Gingrich, who as you remember, tried to get Clinton out of office for adultry when he himself was having an affair, says that World War III is inevetible.   -Also, I fucking pisses me off that Bush will veto a bill that allows stem cell research, because of his fucking convictions. Dude, you are the president: forget your religious convictions for a second and just let the bill pass.   -I'm still reading "The Bighead", and it is still sick. So far, there's been more cannibalism, more rape, vomit consumption, necrophillia, breast amputation, a piss enema, a doulbe urinary catherization, a baby having it's brains sucked out, and more. Also, I must have a stomach of cast Iron, because I haven't puked yet.   -I know it's against the law amongst hipsters, but the new Killers single is really catchy.   Well, that's all for now. Next time: a list of overrated horror movies
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

The Madcap Laughs

This entry is dedicated to late Pink Floyd founder Syd Barrett, who died last week. RIP Syd, you will always be missed.   Syd Barrett 1946-2006 RIP   And now, onto other things   -I got Edward Lee's "The Bighead" last Saturday, and so far, it's great, and really disgusting. So far, it has consumption of shit, piss, rape, inbred rednecks, a profane priest, a nymphomaniac, cannibalism, hardcore sex, a disgusting bit with a colostomy bag, murder, a newborn baby having it's head bashed in, a pair of evil perverted nuns from hell, and more. And I'm not even half way done. I'll get to a review of it when I'm done, though at this point, it looks like a review of Joe Lansdales zombie western "Dead in the West" won't be for a long while.   -I got Thom Yorke's "The Eraser" Yesterday, and it's great. A lot of glitchy techno, with gutiar and bass only appearing (seperatly) on two tracks. Felonies said it reminded him of recent Radiohead b-sides, and I agree-and think that it's a good thing. I dig glitchy, weirds techno.   -There's problems right now between Isreal and Hizbollah. Well, what's new? I'm sorry, but there's always been problems in the Middle East. There have been problems in the Middle East for God knows how long. So, what do I think? Well, we can't settle it with war, because we can't get in another war. At the same time though, we can't solve this diplomatically, because as the past has proven, there is no real diplomatic solution right now, or possibly even in the future.   -"Little Man" is the number 2 movie in America right now, and proves once again that the majority of movie goers today are idiots.   -"The Venture Brothers" and "Tom Goes To The Mayor" continue to kick ass on Adult Swim. That is all.   That's all for now. Next time: Your guess is as good as mine.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

5
How To Vibrate
 

Adventures in the Mall

Well, I went to the Mall, as well as Best Buy yesterday. Best Buy was alright, though I got the new Peeping Tom Album, as well as the Beavis and BUTT-head Experience, and "Paid in Full" by Erik B. and Rakim.   Anyways, on to the mall.   I never really was a big fan of the mall. Too many goths and punk rock kids hang out there. I do like the memories of "Dawn of the Dead" that they invoke though.   I saw a group of Juggalos, aka Insane Clown Posse fans. Suprisingly, none of them were fat. They were being harrassed by mall security, most likely because the immense odor of their unbathed bodies was most likely causing mass illness, as well as making babies cry. I can't believe that there are still Juggalos. It's like the KISS Army, only more retarded. It's the lowest rung on the music fan ladder.   I went to the Suncoast store, and got a 6 DVD box set of zombie movies for $34.99 (that's a deal). I ended up watching one of them instead of Raw last night. While I was there, I saw a disturbing amount of Anime merchandise. I will admit, there are anime titles I like, but most of it's fans really embarrass me. It's sad that I can't wear my Cowboy Bebop shirt these days without getting funny looks, or having anime geeks flock around me. I did chat with a hot girl who liked anime though. She ended up leaving when I said I'm a huge horror geek. Oh well. Also, I got a kick ass Hong Kong Fooey t-shirt.   I went to Hot Topic, but only for a cool Adult Swim shirt. It's probably the worst place in the mall, playing shitty EBM and metal. Christ, I hate Cradle of Filth. Also, it was full of obnoxious goths (sadly, no hot goth chicks). Worst of all, there were no cool Adult Swim shirts, though there were plenty of Pirates of the Carrbiean shirts, and tons of Corpse Bride appearal, and other lame movie shirts. no horror movie shirts though. Oh, and the Juggalos that I mentioned earlier were there. There were loud and yes, they smelled horrible. Even the goths looked at them like "What a bunch of fags."   I left that shithole, and headed to FYE. I was only there for about 5 minutes though, because it was way too expensive (as usual). I'm not going to pay $19.99 for a CD.   And that was my adventure at the mall.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

5
How To Vibrate
 

I'm a Fister

Recently on a radio show interview, Anne Coulter attacked liberals, and for some reason, mentioned anal sex and fisting. Well, in honor of that. here's a song just for you folks   I fist the old brown eye and I'm proud I use to feel alone in a crowd But now you look around these days And it seems theres anal fisting CRAZE I'm a fister he's a fister she's a fister we're fister Wouldn't you like to be a fister too? I'm a fisterer he's a fister she's a fister If you aim for the stink wrinkle you're a fister too! Us fisters are an interesting breed A good old stinkhole is all we need Ask any fister and they'll say "only fisting feels that way" I'm a fister he's a fister she's a fister we're a fister wouldn't you like to be a fister too? I'm a fisterer he's a fister she's a fister we're a fister wouldn't you like to be a fister too?
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

1
How To Vibrate
 

Happy 4th of...Oh wait, never mind

-Well, it seems like Ken Lay kicked the bucket. Disappointed that he died, because I was hoping he would be embarressed and scorned by the public for a while longer. It's times like this that I almost miss MikeSC, because of how he would try to spin this and somehow blame liberals on the worlds ills. Oh well   -North Korea launched some missles, that landed in the oceans of Japan, Fortunately, Godzilla (or any other monster) hasn't been awakened..yet.   -My summer job working on computers is doing ok. It's not exciting, but it's not soul crushing levels of boring.   -RVD and Sabu got busted with pot. This just sounds like a stoner comedy.   -The new ECW sucks, though you probably already read that in the WWE folder.   -"Superman Returns" is pretty good. I'd rate it behind "Batman Begins" though. Also, I've been shouting out WRONG ever since I saw it.   -I'm starting to think that Leena isn't really a Randy Orton fan, but instead just acting like she is just to annoy people.   that's all for now. Next time: whatever
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

6
How To Vibrate
 

Popular and unpopular opinions

Here's some opinions some will agree with, and some won't. Remember, these are only opinions.   -I hate it when I hear white guys talk about how hard they have it, and how they think black people are holding them down. To those guys: you will never know what real oppression is.   -Also, to those who complain about black people not getting over the racism of the past and the present: 400 years is a long time.   -Everyone on Late night TV is watchable except for Leno. What does everybody see in this guy?   -When I saw the previews for the moivie "Little Man", I thought "Wow, Hollywood really doesn't know anything about Black People"   -I feel bad for Jon Stewart, because most of his audience is now made up of Che Guvera t-shirt wearing, college fucks who don't know anything about the real world except for whatever bullshit Michael Moore has to say. Oh, and Nader fanboys.   -I'm sick of hearing "Conservative Media" and "Liberal Media". The media is the media. Enough of your persecution complex.   -Kathie Griffin may be one of the most annoying women on Earth.   -Most athiest on the internet are idiots. I'm talking about some of the ones you find on Fark, who seem to think that because they are an athiest, that it gives them the right to be an asshole, and the whole Pastafarian thing. You know what: I don't give a flying fuck that you don't believe in God, ok? Just because you don't doesn't mean that you need to be a jackass to anyone who isn't. Then again, most of the athiests on the internet are high school NOFX fans who are mad that their parents made them go to church. What I'm trying to say is that I feel the same way about athiests that I do about most Christians: If you realize that what you do (or don't) believe does not mean you have to be an asshole, then you on my cool book. ell, I'm friends with several athiests, and they all kick ass.   Oh, and yes, I think that the whole Patafarian thing is stupid. Again it's my opinion. I mean really, it's just a lamer version of the Church of Sub-Genius.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Part two of the worst feuds in wrestling history

DDP vs. Evad-You see, Paige cheated to win some cash, or whatever (it's been a long time, so i don't really remember everything), and Kevin Sullivan's lovable (re. annoying) brother falls for Kimberly. Or something like that. All in all, a bad imitation of the Savage vs. Steele feud.   HHH vs. Kane -aka "Kane fucked Katie". One of the most tasteless moments in wrestling history, and not in a fun trashy way. I mean the kind of tasteless that makes you hate yourself for watching it.   Ed Ferrera vs. Medusa-You know, people may complain that the current cruiserweight division in WWE is a joke, but compared to WCW during the Russo years, it's the Super J Cup . Add to the fact that it all had a non-wrestler who's also a booker putting himself over and winning a belt that once gave us some awesome matches, and you get this shitstain in the history of wrestling.   Stone Cold vs. Vince for Jim Ross's job-Pointless bullshit that at least gave us the return of Joey Styles. The feud itself, though short, gave us moments (particularly "Vince pull's things out of "J.R.'s ass") that were almost Katie Vick levels of bad. In the end though, Ross is back, and I'm still hoping for the day when Lawler is caught fucking a 14 year old girl, causing him to be fired.   Jake Roberts vs. Rick Martel-Included thanks to the suggestion from Culloden Hastings.   And that's all the feuds. Next time: unpopualr and popular opinions.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

3
How To Vibrate
 

A look at the year so far

Music   We got new albums from: Ghostface Killah (best album of the year so far), Revolting Cocks (a dissapointment), Ministry (also a disappointment) The Sounds (a guilty pleasure to be sure), Current 93 (great album) Pet Shop Boys (good album), Mono, J. Dilla, and others who escape my mind right now.   Songs I don't want to hear anymore: "Ridin' Dirty" by Chamillionaire, "Move Along" by All American Rejects, anything from Hawthourne Heights, "Snap Your Fingers" bu Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boys   Guilty Pleasures-anything from Rhianna, "Ain't No Other Man" by Christina Agulaira.   Movies   The WWE released "See No Evil", which I didn't see, and I'm glad I didn't   "X-Men 3" came out. I eventually saw it (I know, after I said I wouldn't) with an open mind, and was still disappointed.   "Superman Returns" came out today and I'll see it on Friday.   "Hostel" disturbed the audience I saw it with, while "Slither" did bad boxoffice sadly, and I still haven't seen "Hard Candy" yet.   Al Gore's documentary about global warming came out to tell us how WE DIDN'T LISTEN!   A remake of "The Omen" came out, and sucked   The internet became even more obsessed with "Snakes on a Plane", and the joke just isn't funny anymore.   TV   "The Shield" kicked all of our asses with how awesome it is.   "South Park" was a mixed bag, with great episodes (Return of Chef, Cartoon Wars, TSST!) and some bad ones (ManBearPig, Smug Alert, A Million Little Fibers).   Adult Swim gave us new episodes of "The Venture Brothers" and "Tom Goes To The Mayor" and the pilot for "Korgoth of Barbaria", which made me happy. They also gave us "Moral Orel" (which tries way too hard) and "Minoriteam"(why?), which didn't make me happy.   Family Guy continued to be a shell of what was once a great show.   Bill O' Reilly became even more obnoxious.   Glenn Beck came in and annoyed me, while Olbermann is becoming too smug, and starting to become a little less amusing.   Henry Rollins got a new show, and it bores me.   The Internet   I gave you folks my blog, and you've been suffering because of it ever since.   Fark just doesn't amuse me anymore. Sure, some of the photoshop contests are cool, but some of the people who post there are total retards.   ytmnd declared war on Scientology.   I got in my first internet argument in my long time on the net with one Red Hot Thumbtack in the eye over the fact that I don't like the band Burzum.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Worst Feuds in Wrestling History, pt. 1

WWE vs. The Invasion-There's a lot of things that went wrong with this one, but for me the worst things about it were all involving Vince. It was pretty much Vince living out his victim fantasies and feeding his ego in front of the world, because you know there were times Vince thought that WCW and maybe even ECW only existed to ruin him. Plus, it tried (and of course, failed) to make Vince sympathetic, which, when you remember his Mr. McMahon character, plus macking on younger women, and many other things, that it's impossible to sympathize with both the character and the man himself.   No Limit Soldiers vs. West Texas Rednecks-This shows you how clueless WCW really was when it came to what the fans wanted in it's late days. What blows me away is that WCW really thought people still gave a shit about Master P, and that his brother or whatever was really worth signing as a wrestler.   Hogan vs. Warrior, feud #2-The Warrior in the mirror that Bischoff can't see, the homoerotic bits with Ed Leslie, Long winded promos, and one of the worst matches in Hogan's career. There really isn't anything else that can be said.   Marc Mero vs. Sable-The feud that pretty much destroyed Mero's career, and features one of my least favorite divas of all time. Say what you will about Torrie Wilson, but she's Malenko in the ring copared to the former Mrs. Mero.   ECW vs. The Network-If you ask me, one of the main reasons bringing back ECW is a bad idea is because in it's last years, it's best years (95-97) were obviously behind them. This feud IMO, is the real beginning of the end. At least Cyrus was entertaining on the mic.   Vince McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels-A feud with no real explanation. Why was it that Vince wanted Shawn to go back to his old ways? Why do we suddenly need the kiss my ass club to return? Why are we watching this bullshit?   Triple H vs. Chris Jericho-This one pretty much destroyed Jericho's credibility, and gave birth to my annoyance of Trips. (I never really hated him.)   More to come. Also, I'll take anyones suggestions.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

Shitty Horror Movies I Love

Here's a list of horror movies that I think aren't really good, but I love them anyway. Basically, if you like your horror movies corny, then I recommend these.   Ghosts of Mars-John Carpenter basically combines two of his movies ("The Fog" and "Assault on Precinct 13") and comes up with this sucker. It's not great by any means, but it has it's charms, such as Ice Cube, Natasha Henstridge (remember her?), Pam Grier, and a villain named "Big Daddy Mars" who looks like a goth rock star.   Lifeforce-Tobe Hooper's biggest budgeted movie still entertains me, in spite of the fact that it's goofy as hell. Basically, it has Space vampires (including a girl who is naked throughout the whole movie) who suck out people's souls, the population of London turning into zombie vampire things, London being destroyed, overacting, and Patrick Stewarts first on screen kiss-which is with Steve Railsback. Also, the first of two Tobe Hopper movies on the list.   Burial Ground-Italian zombie trash is ludicrous fun, with zombies that for some unexplained reason can use weapons, plenty of tits and ass, a creepy midget playing a creepy kid who has a creepy crush on his mother, gore galore, a scientist saying to a zombie "No, I'm your friend!"   Zombie Creeping Flesh (aka "Virus" and "Hell of the Living Dead)-If Ed Wood directed an Italian zombie gore flick, it would be like this. Contains pointless nudity, bad dialogue(ex. "What's eating you?"), tons of jungle stock footage, some decent gore, and a scene with a man in a tutu that's suppossed to be serious.   Mortuary-I reviewed this a while back, but after seeing it a second time, I've grown to sort of like it. In this one, a family of three takes residence in a morgue at Arkham, Mass (if you know of the works of H.P. Lovecraft, you know this is a bad thing), and run into some problems-including a guy called Bobby Fowler, more H.P. Lovecraft references then you can shake a stick at, and a fungus that turns people into zombies.   Zombi 3-Lucio Fulci's sequal to "Zombi 2" is largely hated, but so corny, it's hard for me to hate. This movie deals with a toxin that turns people into zombies, but that's just the beginning. Here, you get zombie birds, slow zombies, fast zombies, a Stevie Wonder gone Ratafarian radio DJ, gore, and best of all-a severed zombie head in a fridge that inexplicably flies out and attacks a guy.   That's all for now. Here's some of what you might find in this blog this summer:   -A look at the year so far -Two book reviews-One of Edward Lee's "The Bighead", and one of Joe Lansdale's "Dead in the West" -The worst Wrestling feuds of all time -overrated horror movies    
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

The Politics of Dancing

The politics of ooo feeling good!   -Raw was a real mixed bag last night. Why are we all the sudden getting this uneeded supply of man ass all the sudden? Oh, that's right: DX is back, only now they're really boring. Also, Randy Orton getting cheered was really weird. Micky James is awesome again, now that Beth is momentarily gone. Eugene has gotten more annoying than usual, and is actually makng me look forward to the imminent destruction Umaga will give him. This amazes me, as I can't stand Umaga.   -About the sand in Kotz's vagina: Kotz is one of my favorite posters here.   -Here's another weird message board I found thanks to Something Awful's Weekend Web: Rob's Fantasy. Here, all your necrophillia dreams can be discussed. All the more proof that abortion isn't as bad as some make it out to be.   -Leena's posting more, which is alright I guess. I wonder why Matt Young isn't posting as much, as he's much more tolerable than wildpegasus.   -I don't know why, but I've been listening to a lot of synth pop lately, and not just Depeche Mode. I also mean Camouflage, Cause & Effect, and all the other one's not many people talk about.   That's all for now. Next time: Shitty Horror Movies that I love
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

A List of Shitty Horror Movies

You know, I've seen a lot of Horror movies in my lifetime. Hell, probably more than I can remember. Anyways, I've seen some good ones, some great ones, some ok ones, some guilty pleasures, and some really horrible ones. Here's a list of some of the really horrible ones.   Strangeland-Dee Snider (Yes, of Twisted Sister fame) produced, wrote, and stars in this shitty S&M and internet themed horror film as Captain Howdy (yes, from "The Exorcist"), a guy who likes to lure teenage girls via chatrooms into his lair, so that he can torture and mutilater them, and who says really pathetic pseudo-intellectual bullshit. Also stars Robert Englund (who you end up seeing spread eagle in his tightie whities), Kevin Gage, and Linda Cardellini as one of Howdy's victims. Yes, you see poor Linda Cardellini tortured and mutilated.   Dario Argento's The Phantom of the Opera-How could Dario Argento fuck this one up? The first in the man's unfortunate decline, this one stars Julian Sands as a disfigured killer raised by rats, who falls for Asia Argento, and kills anynody who harms his rats. In spite of some decent kills, this is a disaster. See Argento's "Opera" instead of this one. Still, it's at least better than the 2004 "Phantom of the Opera"   Manhattan Baby-Some people will tell you that Lucio Fulci is one of the greatest horror director's that ever lived. If you ask me, he's just a guy who got lucky a few times, and directed a whole lot of shitty movies. This one is probably his worst. Basically, archaelogists unleash an evil Egyptian spirit, which possesses the daughter of one of the professors, and murders ensue. A real bore, without any interesting kills, atmosphere, or anything else.   Faust: Love For the Damned-Brian Yuzna has really gone under a decline. This poorly done adaptation of the XXX comic (so, why bother doing it as an R-rated movie?) is horribly acted, corny, and while it has it's moments, is a bore. It also really wastes the talents of Jeffrey Combs and Andrew ("Wishmaster") Divoff. See "Return of the Living Dead 3" instead of this.   Meat Market-I'll never understand the appeal of these dreadful shot on camcorder zombie movies. This movie has lesbian vampires, a luchador, and decent gore effects, yet blows it all on piss poor acting (it's obvious no one in it has had any acting lessons), poor attempts to mimick much better zombie movies, and dreadful attempts at comedy.   From Dusk Till Dawn II: Texas Blood Money-Directed by "Evil Dead" producer Scott Spiegel, this shitfest, in spite of appearences from Bruce Campbell and Danny Trejo, actually manages to be worse than your average Direct-To-Video sequal thanks to bland as hell characters, a disappointing finale, and a waste of talent.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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How To Vibrate
 

Bad Chuck-E-Cheese Memories

When I was a kid of 4-5 years of age, I remember my mom taking me to Chuck-E-Cheese. To say it was a good experience would be a big lie.   I can't believe I still remember this, but here it goes.   I remember that all of the kids were real fucking brats. I mand real brats. The kind of brats who treat all the other kids like shit, scream for God knows what reason, and basically were little worthless bastards. Also, the Animatronic Animals creeped me out as a kid. The things sang with no melody or rhythm, and even looked creepy. I don't care who you are, but if you see a robotic rat singing to you with it's friends, then you are going to be creeped out. Oh, and the games were shit. And don't get me started with the pizza. The worst pizza on Earthy is sold at Chuck-E-Cheese.   Anyways, after that experience, I thought I would never go there again. Think again.   On one of my brother's birthdays in the mid 90's, he wanted to go to Chuck-E-Cheese. I sucked it in and decided to go, thinking "hey, how could it be?" Well, pretty bad.   The pizza was still bad. The games still sucked. The kids were still brats. The worst thing though, was the 17-30 year old guys whyo would go there. These guys didn't come with their families. Oh no, they came with their friends, or usually, by themselves.   I remember playing "Primal Rage" (hell yes), and when I was done, a little kid (about at least 7 years of age) competed with a guy who was in his 20's. The guy in his 20's won, and to make matters worse for the kid, rubbed it in the little guys face.   That's right, these guys went to Chuck-E-Cheese to beat kids at video games so they could feel better about themselves.   How pathetic do you have to be to go to a place for kids 5-10 years of age, just so you can beat those at video games and gloat about it? Answer: Really pathetic. I mean spanking it to furry porn in your mother's basement in your 20's pathetic. The kind of pathetic reserved for would be child molestors with three inch dicks.   The moral of this story? If I ever get married and have kids, I will never go to Chuck-E-Cheese. Never again.   I hate that place.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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How To Vibrate
 

I Love "Ewe"

-Well, things are alright. I got a job volunteering at a computer workplace. Work starts next week.   -Henry Rollins has a new show on the IFC channel. It's pretty damn boring, and mostly just him ranting and interviewing people (He's not a very good interviewer). Personally, I don't know what CheesaaisGood see's in him. Plus, I hear he's a major asshole in reality.   At least his "Letter to Ann Coulter" was amusing, mostly because I hate that fucking bitch.   -Speaking of Ann Coulter, sooner or later, I think people are just going to get tired of her. You can only say so many stupid things before people finally just grow bored with you, and she'll become irrelevent eventually.   -It seems like Carnival and Leena have quit posting. While I really don't miss Leena (she eventually just got boring), I do miss Carnival. He was one of my favorite posters.   Well, that's all for now. Next time: Bad Chuck-E-Cheese memories.  
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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Raw like Cocaine straight from Bolivia

-I didn't watch Raw last night (I watched the director's cut of "The Wild Bunch" instead), though from what I've read about it, it's most likely a good thing I missed it.   Also, Edge is the best heel in the WWE right now, bar none. The guy can work up a crowd like nobody else's buisiness, and gets more heel heat than anybody else in the company.   -What happened to Leena? Just a question, but really, what happened to her? Also, Ortonsault will probably hate me, because I don't like Randy Orton.   -I'll say this about Ann Coulter: Fuck her. Fuck that fucking bitch.   -In my last entry, I mentioned my love for the fighting game "Primal Rage", so now, let me mention two I always hated: Beast Wrestle and Rise of the Robots. BW was ridiculously retarded, and was boring to boot. I would talk more about ROTR, but all my complaints about that game have already been said by everyone else.   Well, that's all for now. Next time: Why "The Henry Rollins Show" sucks, and whatever happened to Carnival?
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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How To Vibrate
 

Fart of Fury

-Well, I moved out of my dorm yesterday, and I'm currently looking for a job to take for the summer. So far, I'm looking at either computer work, the local newspaper, or the library.   -It seems like they killed Al-Zarqawi. Good to know. Now my dream of America battling former terrorists turned into flesh eating zombies comes closer everyday.   -Hotbutter Spoonwhatever: You better start spazzing out again, because I'm fucking bored right now.   -Why am I seeing Anderson Cooper everywhere all the sudden? He's like the new Nick Lachey, only less annoying, and a newsman.   -Finally, anybody remember the videogame 'Primal Rage"? Fun game, but damn, doing special moves and finishers was a pain in the ass. Anyways, I always played as Diablo.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

3
How To Vibrate
 

Depeche Mode Albums

Before I start my thoughts on Depeche Mode Albums, I'd just like to say R.I.P. to John Tenta.   Now, on to the reviews. Here they are, reviewed in order of release   -Speak and Spell-Lightweight stuff, and the only album produced by Vince Clark. There's some good tracks ("Photographic" and "Tora! Tora! Tora!" in particular), but for the most part, it's too lightweight.   -A Broken Frame-Underappreciated, though I'm always a sucker for transitional albums. Some tracks are too lightweight ("Meaning of Love" and "See You") but this album is more focused and better sounding, and shows hints of what they would become with "Leave in Silence" and Monumet". Also has experiments with dub reggae that are hit and miss, and "Nothing to Fear" is one of their best instrumentals.   -Constructuon Time Again-A bit of an industrial influence comes in with steel percusion samples and such on tracks like "Pipeline". "Everything Counts" is a classic, while "Shame" and "Love in Itself" are underrated. Songs like "More than a Party" and "The Landscape is Changing" really aren't that good though.   -Some Great Reward-I always thought "Blasphemous Rumors" was overrated, and "Somebady"is cringe inducing. Other than that, this is a good album, with "People are People" and "Master and Servant" would be a big influence on Industrial Dance, and "Something to Do" and "Lie to Me" are great Moody songs.   -Black Celebration-There are experiments in minimalism on some tracks, and they suprisingly work. Most of the album ("Sometimes" sucks though) is great, with a moody feeling that went over with synthpop fans. Not Tonight" is great, and "Stripped" is one of my favorite songs.   -Music For The Masses-Their best album, and a major classic. Everything about it clicks, even the instrumentals. "Never Let Me Down" and "Strangelove" have almost stadium levels of awesomeness, while "To Have and To Hold" creates a great atmosphere. Hell, even the alternate takes on songs and mixes are great.   -Violator-Everyone knows this album, so i won't say anything else.   -Songs of Faith and Devotion-Too inspired by Nine Inch Nails, this one is alright. "Rush" and "Mercy in You" are way too chest thumping, and hardly sound like DM songs. "I Feel You" does feature great use of guitar feedback, and "Walking in My Shoes" has a great, almost trip-hop feeling to it.   -Ultra-Their most underrated album. "Home" is the best Gore-sung song, while "It's no Good" features great synth work. Also, the use of guitars on "Useless" and "Barrel of a Gun" are great.   -Exciter-Their worst studio album. It sounds too much like they're trying to re-create "Violator", and some of the songs just feel like remakes. "I Feel Love" is great though.   -Playing The Angel-"Macrovision" is a shitty song. Other than that, this is a great album. Excellent use of analogue beats, and the songwriting is some of their best yet.   That's all for now. Next Time: Moving out of my dorm.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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How To Vibrate
 

Rolling Stone Sucks

-To Rolling Stone: Can't you do one issue without complaining about how much you hate Bush? Sure, I hate him too. Hell, I think he's one of the worst presidents we've ever had (not the worst, but one of them), but I don't obsess over the guy like you do. Besides, it's gotten tiresome that you have to have a 5,000+ word essay about why you hate him in every issue. I remember last year, when an article about the Michael Jackson trial became a big rant about Bush. Basically, it's time to hang it up guys.   -Raw really sucked last night. Did we really need to see Vince McMahon's ass again? By the way Vince: The "Kiss My Ass" club was never funny, and it's not even creepy anymore. It's just annoying. Then again, this is Vince I'm talking about...   That out of the way, the bump Lilian Garcia took was fucking nasty.   -Remember folks: One more week until "Cemetary Man" comes out on DVD   -I've been listening to a lot of Led Zeppelin today, and I still think that "Led Zeppelin III" is their best album. Sure, it's not as heavy on the drums as "Physical Graffiti", but I think songwriting wise, it's their best album. Plus, how could anybody hate the song "That's The Way"?   -To Hotbutter Spoonbuster: Why are you so pissed off all the time?   That's all for now. Next time: Depeche Mode albums
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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How To Vibrate
 

A Wrong Way to Rock and a Wrong Way to Roll

-Well, you won't be hearing me talk about homework for a while, because I'm done for the semester. Also, the weather is great today.   -The season premier of "Tom Goes To The Mayor" debuted last night. I don't care what anybody says: This show is hilarious. I love it because it's unconventional, and because it pisses off losers on the internet.   -It seems like Rob Zombie will be doing the next Halloween movie. Rob, I personally think that this is a bad idea. Stick to whatever it is you want to direct , and please direct an episode of "Masters of Horror."   -Bush is trying to ban gay marriage. You know, I have to ask the question: what is so bad about gay marriage?Lets face it folks: it isn't hurting anybody, and marriage isn't exactlly a sacred bond anymore. Besides, I think gay couples have every right to be miserable and wonder what they were thinking when they married the person they thought was right for them as straight couples do, though that's probably just me.   -I was at Meijer today, and stumbled upon a novelazation of WWE's slasher flick "See No Evil". I skimmed through a few pages, and got a good chuckle out of it. Didn't buy it though.   That's all for now.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

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