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It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.
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Happy Thanksgiving
#01
Everyone knows this story. It may be the greatest example of rock star debauchery that ever occured. Oh sure, some of you may mention something that occured at a Motley Cru tour or whatever, but here's the guy's that set the standard.
The story: It's 1969. Led Zeppelin are on tour with Vanilla fudge. On the night of July 27, Zep invites a groupie back stage, and well, she's willing to do anything. So they tie her up, and proceed to stuff bits and slices of a mudshark into her pussy and asshole. Other's say it was a Red Snapper. Either way, they stuffed her with fish.
There are several accounts as to what really happened. Zappa did a song about it (that can be heard on the live album Filmore East-June 1971.) To this day, it remains one of the most talked about moments in rock star perversion. Either way, in my opinion, it's the greatest story in music history.
So there you go, the countdown is over. Here's a recap:
12.) Luther Campbell gets a blowjob on Stage.
11.) Screamin' Jay Hawkins: Father to 57 Children.
10) Throbbing Gristle's First Gig.
9.) Elvis orders a Sandwich.
8.) John Fogerty sued for self plagerisim (no, not the poster).
7.) Cyntheia teh cock.
6.) The Story of Dopesmoker.
5.) Ozzy Satisfies His Hunger.
4.) Ozzy Remembers the Alamo.
3.) Mingus Destroy's his Bass.
2.) The Story of Mayhem.
1.) Led Zeppelin,a groupie, and a mudshark.
Let's Scare Jessica To Death (Day 18)
Plot: Jessica (Zohra Lampert) is let out of a mental ward, and moves into a country home with friends. So, what's with the strange drifer girl (Gretchen Corbett)? Or the vampire in the lake? Or the townspeople with those odd scars?
Review: The term "lost classic" gets thrown around a lot, especially in the horror genre. Hardcore fans such as yours truly love to mention movies like Vampyr, Horrors Of Malformed Men, The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, and others as examples of why we should continue to dig for great but overlooked horror movies. One movie that gets thrown around by such fans is John Hancock's 1971 classic "Let's Scare Jessica To Death."
The movie itself is not a gorefest-bloodshed is quite limited within the movie-but what it lacks in disembowelments it makes up for in creeping dread and atmosphere. Throughout most of the movie, we are unsure what is real or what is a dream, as Jessica's paranoia reaches a fever pitch level, and the atmosphere clouds over the viewer, up to the conclusion. The dead in the movie are not rotting corpses bent on destruction, but are instead undead townspeople who you can't trust, bringing to mind the classic Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
Also, just like Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, Messiah Of Evil, and I Drink Your Blood, "Jessica" serves and a condemnation of hippie culture-and may be the biggest middle finger-the biggest proverbial fuck you-to the culture, as it reveals many of the things that destroyed it, and it wasn't authority figures either: bickering, in fighting, egos, the looming sense of comformity, acid drenched delusions, paranoia, and more figure into the movie. The overriding message of the film seems to be that even without authority and police figures, the hippie movement was doomed to fail from the get go-only it would end up destroying itself instead of the other way around.
"Let's Scare Jessica To Death" is a great horror movie, and deserves it's cult reputation.
Rating: 9/10 One of the best horror movies from the 70's you haven't seen or heard of. Recommended.
Next Time: Erotic Nights of the Living Dead
Burial Ground (Day 29)
Plot: A group of horny idiots (and a creepy manchild) have their plans for weekend nookie interrupted by Etruscan Zombies.
Review: Hardly the most obscure movie in the list, "Burial Ground" is considered a great example of Italian gore cinema done right: unbelievably sleazy, gory, and dumb fun with plenty of memorable moments.
The thing the movie is mostly known for is Peter Bark, a clearly 30 something midget who plays a mothers child (Casting director: "He's short, so nobody will know the difference!") who takes oedipal desires to really creepy new limits. He watches his mom get it on, feels her up, and in the moves conclusion, comes back from the dead and bites out a huge hunk of her tit. If this doesn't let you know what kind of movie this is, then wait, there's even more.
The thing that strikes me the most about the movie, is how unbelievably stupid the people are here. In the beginning, an old professor is approached by the dead, and exclaims "Please, I'm your friend!" Amazingly, this doesn't work. Later on, after several people who you don't give a shit about (really, these are unlikeable people) are killed and devoured by the dead, one character says "Let's let (the zombies) in the house! Maybe they don't want us, but something in here!"
So, how is the gore and make up FX. Well, they are great. Sure, it's obvious at times that they are masks, but the zombie make up and gore effects by legendary effects man Gino ("Zombi 2", "Cannibal Ferox", "Dune", "Living Dead at Manchester Morgue", "High Tension") De Rossi work. The dead are rotting, decrepit things, reminiscent almost of the zombies from the "Blind Dead" movies, only with maggots and worms infesting them. The gore is sloppy, messy, and nausea inducing. So yeah, it's great.
"Burial Ground" will hardly win any awards. It's unoriginal (lifting off of Fulci's "Zombi 2" several times) and poorly acted. However, it's still a lot of gory, sleazy fun, especially if you are in the right frame of mind.
Rating: 7.5/10 Pure unabashed, unashamed exploitation-like that's a bad thing.
Next Time: Night Of The Comet
Dead Heist (Day 22)
Plot: A bank heist goes horribly arry when (what else) the dead come in for food.
Review: As far as recent Urban Zombie movies go, "Dead Heist" is better than Zombiez, but worse than Hood of the Living Dead and Gangs of the Dead. That's not saying much, especially when you consider the fact that "Hood" and "Gangs" are bad movies too.
The dead here are cut from the same cloth as the speedy zombies from the Dawn of The Dead remake and the infected from 28 Days Later and it's sequel, only generic instead of interesting or frightening. The gore is nothing new, though the fact that the dead can only be killed by being shot in the heart (and you're to blame...) is a poor attempt at trying something different.
As far as acting goes, Big Daddy Kane does the best job. He's not good, mind you, but he does the best job. Amusingly, while Bone Crusher and E-40 are advertised as staring in it, yet they aren't in the movie for very long-Bone Crusher appears in the beginning as a patron in a strip club so tame it could have passed for MTV's "The Grind", then disappears. Meanwhile, E-40 has less than 5 minutes of screen time as a porn director, and gives a "alright, where's my paycheck already" level performance. The rest of the cast ranges from a dead ringer for Vin Diesel to the white female cop, a white businessman thinking of joining the Nation of Islam (har har), and plenty of stereotypical gang banger characters.
While not the worst recent Urban horror movie, there's still nothing worth recommending here.
Rating: 2/10 I have no idea whether or not the fact that this reminded me of the "Attack of the Street Pimps" bit from Hollywood Shuffle is a good thing or a bad thing.
Next Up: The Grapes of Death
French Horror Movies Part 1: The Past
Hey Marvin
Wesley Pipes has invaded my dreams
2008 Music Year in Review
The Dead Pit (Day 5)
Plot: Years ago, Dr. Gerald Swan (Jeremy Slate) discovered Dr. "Bad reference to a great director" Ramzi (Danny Gochnauer) performing horrible experiments on patients. Years later, a woman known only as Jane Doe (Cheryl Lawson, looking great in a nipple hugging baby-tee and panties) comes to the mental facility. However, Dr. Ramzi has returned from the dead-as has a horde of zombies.
Review: Released to video in 1989 (complete with an awesome VHS cover with light up eyes), "The Dead Pit" was one of the last notable independent zombie movies for a while (well, until people decided to stop using camcorders to make zombie movies, but hey), and was the first movie from Brett Leonard. It has since garnered something of a cult following, with some claiming that it's a lost classic, while others calling it one of the worst zombie movie ever made. To tell the truth, it's neither.
For one thing, the acting (with the exception of Slate and Gochnauer) ranges from over the top, to just forgettable. As hot as Lawson may be, she can't act to save her life, though she at least seems to be trying. While the movie is largely played straight, it's attempts at humor are poor at best, with Ramzi spouting dreadful one-liners that making him look like a D-Grade Freddy. Also, it takes an hour for the dead to get to business.
When the dead do rise however, the movie picks up considerably. While not the goriest zombie movie, we get some choice bits: brains are torn out and eaten with relish, brains receive acupuncture, a heart is torn out, a scalpel is shoved up a nurse's nose, and zombies melt into puddles of goo. Also, the dead can only be killed with Holy Water in this movie, which makes for an original twist. The score by Dan Wyman is a little dated, but fits the mood perfectly, and contains some genuinely unnerving moments.
"The Dead Pit" is worth a rental at least, though hardcore devotees to horror have seen better. If anything, it's a nice time waster, though for a movie that loves to show brains, it doesn't have much brains on it's own.
Brett Leonard would go on to direct The Lawnmower Man, Hideaway, Virtuosity, Man-Thing, and the underrated Feed. His latest is the new Highlander movie.
Rating: 6/10 It's like a bag of Twizzlers-not bad, but you won't remember it.
Tomorrow's Movie: Vengence of the Zombies
Power's still out
White Zombie (Day 31) and thoughts on this experiment
I Need Something To Chew On
The Child (Day 13)
Plot:A newly hired housekeepr must take care of a spoiled, troubled kid named Rosalie, who has telekinetic powers. She uses these powers to summon her friends-a group of malevolent zombies-to do her bidding.
Review: "The Child" is a flawed but watchable entity. Shot for about $30,000, the movie played in drive ins and Grindhouses as part of a double bill with Fredrick Friedels' odd Axe, and is something of a minor cult classic in some respects.
The movie has it's share of flaws: poor acting (Rosalie Cole is particularly annoying as the evil Rosalie), and the score (an overbearing mix of bad synth squalls and overwrought piano), as well as taking what feels like an eternity to get going.
When it does get going though, the movie picks up considerably. The onslaught of the undead, while not huge, is still great stuff, and the make up effects for the zombies is quite good and original, especially when you consider the budget. The movie eventually channels Night of the Living Dead with it's zombie seige conclusion, though it still works.
"The Child" is not a perfect movie, and doesn't exactly come with a recommendation, but it's a decent timewaster, and would make a great double bill with Bob Clark's Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things.
Rating: 6.5 "The Child" is a cult oddity that should please fans of mini-budget weirdness.
Next on the plate: The Swamp of the Ravens
Swamp Of the Ravens (Day 14)
Plot: Dr. Frosta preys on Beggars and Gypsies so he can continue his work on the dead. When his girlfriend leaves him, things get pretty bad.
Review: A Spanish/American co-production, "Swamp Of the Ravens" is a good example of a meat and potatoes exploitation movie: it might not meet all the requirements, but it still has enough to count some.
The movie itself isn't that much of a zombie movie, as the doctor's failed experiments float and hang around the swamp. It's really more of a Mad Scientist movie, with plenty of evil doings and little if any zombie action. Also, there aren't many ravens in this swamp-there's a lot of buzzards though.
Still, the movie has enough sleaze and weirdness to make it watchable. This includes a little gore (including real life autopsy footage), nudity (including necrophilia-not that graphic though), a score that sounds like outtakes from a Yes album, and a weird lounge act with a ventriloquist.They sure don't make 'em like this anymore.
"Swamp Of The Ravens" is a decent time waster: it might not meet all of your hopes, but it's watchable, and has it's moments nonetheless.
Rating: As a zombie movie, 2/10, but as an old school exploitation movie, it gets 6/10.
Tomorrow: Sole Survivor.
Hostel
One Dark Night (Day 8)
Plot: A sorority initiation goes horribly wrong when the body of Russian Occultist Karl "Raymar" Rhamarevich returns-as do some corpses that he controls.
Review: "One Dark Night" is a movie that is so 80's, you're surprised those annoying "I Love The 80's" shows didn't tell bad jokes about it. It's got an 80's look, everyone dresses like it's the 80's, it has a fun cast (Meg Tilly! Elizabeth G. Daily! Adam West-yes, that Adam West), and a plot that could only come out of the 80's.
The movie does have it's share of flaws. Well for starters, the fact that Raymar can cause corpses to awaken, float, and do his general bidding via telekineses is original. Thing is, it ends up being floating corpse dolls/models "attacking" their victims. While it's hilarious at first, it loses it's charm the 3rd or 4th time around. Also, Raymar isn't that frightening or interesting, though the dated optical effects accompanying him are amusing.
That's not to say that it's a disaster. In fact, I ended up enjoying it some. The direction by Tom (Friday the 13th Part 6) McLoughlin is solid lively, and the dead themselves are appropriately drippy and gross. The acting is also pretty good (again, a really fun cast), and the final scare works pretty well.
"One Dark Night" is pure 80's cheese. It might not be perfect, but it's fun, and would make a great triple feature with The Dead Pit and the underrated Sole Survivor.
Rating: Either 6.5 or 7/10. A flawed but watchable piece of 80's fluff.
Tomorrow: Das Komabrutale Duell
Vengeance Of The Zombies (Day 6)
Plot: An Indian Mystic (played by Paul Naschy) uses black magic to bring hot topless chicks back from the dead to get payback on those who wronged him. Naschy also plays the mystic's brother, and Satan himself.
Review: Paul Naschy is the king of Spanish horror-not because of quality, but because he is a Lon Chaney jr./Boris Karloff like figure in how he was known for playing everything from Werewolves, Vampires, Demons-you name it.
The first of four Spanish tales of the undead to be reviewed this month, "Vengeance Of The Zombies" is a rather confusing-though quite campy affair. The movie throws in everything but the kitchen sink-the occult, Satan, topless babes, zombies, psychedelic imagery, and a wholly inappropriate Jazzy Lounge score more suited for Bachelor than a horror movie.
The movie, as you can guess, is hard to take seriously. However, as I also already mentioned, it's also rather confusing, as the kitchen sink approach ends up making you scratch your head at times, causing you to lose interest. Also, while the movie has plenty of camp appeal, it is hurt some by the occasional over reliance of exposition. A little exposition goes a long way, but too much is just annoying.
In the end, "Vengeance Of The Zombies" offers some sleazy delights, but ends up feeling like too much of a good thing, and ends up wearing out it's welcome. A better place to begin as far as Spanish Zombie movies are concerned would be Tombs Of The Blind Dead.
Rating: 5/10 I may be a big fan of exploitation and sleaze, but even though it had plenty of the right elements, "Vengeance Of The Zombies" left me feeling unfulfilled.
Next Time: The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue
I wasn't here Monday
Starring Nathan Wind as Cochese
#4-3
Fun fact-Ozzy is the only musician to be mentioned on this list twice. Here's the story, though I'm pretty sure you know it by now: It's 1982, and Ozzy's comeback is now in full effect. Anyways, while on tour, one night, he gets really drunk (big surprise, I know), and puts on one of his wife's dresses. He then stumbles outside, towards the Alamo, and takes a leak on it. Yep, he pees on the Alamo. Oh, and yes, he was arrested.
3.) Mingus Destroys his Bass
Charles Mingus was one of the most gifted jazz musicians of all time. Czech is a huge fan of his. He was also a manic depressive, who was prone to doing all kinds of shit in concerts. One night, people were talking too much during one of his concerts, something Mingus didn't particularly like. So, in a fit of rage, he picks up his bass (which was an upright acoustic bass) and smashed it to bits.
Yep, before The Who destroyed their guitar on The Smothers Brothers, before Hendrix set his guitar on fire, there was Mingus obliterating his bass. He's the one who started it all.
3 movies in a week
I Love "Ewe"
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