9 p.m.
• So I'm one of the many who don't watch Keith Olbermann's hippie show, but I did notice this and had to watch. (video -- lol, when is O'Reilly ever NOT on this worst-person list?) Below is the text.
Oy. I'm not even going to bother with the "yeah, well liberal groups boycott stupid shit, too" because, well, this is pretty stupid. HOWEVER, I will say this. At least it got Rachel Ray off the air, at least for a few 30-second bits. Yeah, I know, there are some kooks on my side, but as long as they vote with me in November I'll just pat them on the head and go, "that's nice."
Oh hell, I couldn't resist.
So Pat Robertson was going to pay some poor white trash 10k to blow himself up during the Dunkin' morning rush?
11:15 p.m.
• I just saw some special on the History Channel concerning Star Wars. I’m surprised they lasted 90 minutes before talking about the “If you’re not with me then you’re against me” line with a similar phrase a very powerful head of State used back in 2001. However, my WTF moment came at the very end with NANCY PELOSI talking about how we all need to come together, or some other gag-worthy line. I couldn’t clearly hear what she said because I was too busy yelling, “Oh what the fuck is this shit?” Now one can say, “But kkk they also had Newt Gingrich on doing commentary. Yes, however, like him or not, Newt is an historian. Besides, there were plenty of commie commentators *cough*Dan Rather*cough*. Although it was weird to see Steven Colbert acting like his normal self. Actually, I was surprised there weren’t more “Bush=Palpatine” references. Such a pity, considering Palpatine’s my freakin’ hero.
• Regarding the Memorial Day event. It was what it was. And next year I’m steering clear from the hot dogs. I can’t wait to experience the mess they will provide once I shit these lips and assholes out. And regarding Macys: one meat tenderizer, some automatic scrubber thingy and two pillows. The light thingys were not recommended by the cashier, who said her father got them and claimed they were pieces of shit. Now that’s customer service.
10:30 a.m.
• Well today is going to be a real two-fer for me. First I have to head over to the white trash family Memorial Day picnic so I can see what my tax dollars are paying for in regards to the newsest home improvements at my aunt-in-law’s house. Oh why did she have to come to my wedding? If she didn’t, I would have a lifetime excuse for not going to this thing. Last year we played some Bingo-type game, and I spelled out “Help Me” with my chips. If you’ve seen those “Blue Collar” movies, you might remember Foxworthy doing a bit about going to family reunions – well, this is my chance to tell the better half on the way home, “that little one ain’t right.” And it’s true. That little one from the one family isn’t right. And there's another family that attends this function and appears somewhat normal. Well, this past year Mrs. kkk found out that the wife has been cheating on her husband for years and tried to get the matriarch of this sterile Mexican household to take part in a three-some with them. But if this isn’t bad enough (and it's awfully hard to top that visual of a three-way), I have to go to another place I almost hate going to as much as I do family cookouts.
Macy's.
Seriously, who shops at this place; have you seen their prices? I’m the first one to admit I’m a cheap bastard, but stop into your nearest Macy's and decide for yourself if you’d spend any of your money at this place. Why do I have to go here? Two years ago my idiot mother bought some lingerie for the better half as a wedding present. Uh, mom, Mrs. kkk and I have fucked before getting hitched. There’s nothing new there. I’m not a lingerie person. What’s the point? OK, so you’re wearing some naughty silk thingy. Now take it off. Big deal. Well, the better half didn’t want this gift either – she said it had something to do with my mom buying sex-related gifts for her. Works for me. So we went to return it and found out that this stuff cost one hundred twenty dollars!
Anyway, we got the gift card and was informed that we would have until 5/31/07 to use it. Well, 5/31 is quickly approaching and we still have $50-60 left on it. So far this year whenever there has been a sales event (New Year’s, Presidents Day, Easter, etc.) we would include Macy's on our list of stores to visit. Problem is, I’m looking for somewhat decent buys, and Macy's, well, lacks this aspect of shopping – at least for the kkk household. The last time we bought shit at this place, we purchased, all on sale, a quesadilla maker, some pans and this magnet that shows a bunch of measurement conversions. Please note that when I say “on sale” this means “regular price at Target.” So what will be purchased in this last desperate attempt to redeem my idiot mother’s wedding gift from almost two years ago? Well, those Quik Brite LED Lights are on sale for $15 (notice that on Amazon they are $12). That’s a start.
7:30 p.m.
• So Friday I talked about going to my first Pirates game since PNC Park was built. Actually, I think the last time I went to a Pirates game was in 1993, but whatever. No, wait. There was a game after that a few years later when my old man informed a group of us that due to being exposed to toxic chemicals he grew two added balls. What a night at the ball park that was. But I digress.
So we got there before the game started, but the problem was the two people coming from out-of-state were still in Shittsburgh traffic. I knew they would be. No problem. It’s not like I’m in any hurry to watch the Bucs. And of course, during the first inning, I hear via an outside speaker that the Cubs have already scored. Now that was a surprise. Our guests showed up and we headed to our seats. It was still the first inning, so I only wasted 1/9 of my ticket. No biggie.
My impressions? It was a ball park home to a shit team. Who cares? The better half actually liked the experience more than she, or I, thought. Then again, she was looking at just about everything around her BUT the actual play on the field. I guess that’s the point. And what is up with showing stock quotes on the narrow electronic marquees up around the stadium? One thing I will give props to is that the out-of-town scoreboard not only shows every other major-league contest but also who is on base and how many outs left in the current half-inning. I’m not sure how often this gets updated, but whatever.
Oh, yeah. The Pirates. Holy fuck are they awful. I don’t pay any attention to this team during the season, so I never really observe just how they accomplish losing season after losing season. Here’s the box score:
CHC (29-19) 2 1 1 1 3 1 0 3 0 12 19 0
PIT (22-26) 0 0 0 0 2 0 0 1 0 3 8 2
The Cubs scored in ALL but TWO innings. The Pirates had a runner on third with NO OUTS and couldn’t bring him in. The Cubs let Carlos Zambrano in the top of the seventh and brought in a relief pitcher in the bottom of the inning. Yeah, I know he’s a good hitting pitcher. And of course, when your pitcher goes FOUR FOR FIVE with TWO RBI, why not leave him out there? The Pirates clean-up hitter is hitting .220; the Cubs clean-up hitter (a former Pirate) is hitting .296 – that’s about all I need to say.
Then there was the pitching. For as bad as Zach Duke was in his 4 innings, he looked like an ace once Sean Burnett took the mound. This performance was so bad it was laughable – in fact, my one guest said by the 4th inning that, as an outsider, watching the Pirates play was an “interesting experience.” I think she said this around the time a ball was hit to the shortstop and after spending a few seconds pondering to throw the ball to second base (or was it third base? No matter) he decided to throw it to first, which was too little too late. Then there were the several botched double plays – I can’t remember what innings these took place in because it seemed the Cubs had multiple runners in scoring position each inning.
I will say this though: I never thought I’d say a $6 order of nachos is worth the price, but damn that was some good shit. Too bad I had to go to FOUR DIFFERENT STANDS before getting them. First stand? They didn’t sell them. Fortunately, I didn’t stay in line too long for that one. I went to the stand next to this one. After a 5-10 minute wait I discover they are out – in the bottom of the 5th. I then went two stands over to some fancy place. There’s a lady behind the register. Someone just left that register with food. I walk up and learn that she doesn’t sell nachos. But there are nachos behind her. She says to go to the middle of the stand. The hell? I go there. Guess what? In order to get nachos I have to GO BACK TO THE LADY I ORIGINALLY SPOKE TO. Good fucking Christ. Finally, I get to the next stand and buy my overpriced shit. Hey, I’m going to a MLB game – the food’s going to be expensive. For as cheap as I am I do spend the cash pretty freely at occasions like these. And after all that I have to reiterate – those nachos were good shit.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. The game. While I was away the Pirates scored a few runs, but by now it was 8-2. Yeah, there’s going to be a rally. One observation I made during the course of this game was that there were a number of Cubs fans, and nobody from Shittsburgh cared when they cheered their beloved Cubbies each time a run was scored, which was often. I remember back in ’90 when the Pirates played the Mets fans throwing popcorn on a Metropolitan fan when he and his kid cheered a big play by the visiting team. I remember a Pirates fan getting into a drunken brawl with a Braves fan in the ’92 NLCS. This game? Nothing. It’s like those Pirate fans in attendance knew their team sucked and the visiting fans had every right to clap, hoot and holler.
And if you can’t have fireworks on the field during the game, you can have them after the game is over. Uh, yay. Mrs. kkk loves fireworks. I’m indifferent. Here’s another PNC compliment: The seats are WAY more comfortable than the Reds stadium. And the vendors are nearly as annoying as those in Cincinnati. I’m also amazed that with this horrid economy people would pay $10 for parking and more than $6 for a giant hot dog. Damn you George W. Bush and your tax cuts for the rich.
8 p.m.
• So that's why Mark Madden hasn't been on the air the last few days.
I didn't make a comment here about Uncle Ted's condition because I have a feeling the minute I do karma is going to bite me in the ass ... hard. Good thing I had Mark to say it. Yeah, I know. It's cold in here. Brrrrrr.
Hmm, where I have heard this story before? I person on ESPN says some OFFENSIVE and nothing is done for days after the fact.
Oh fuck you all. "Longer look." Much like anything that takes place at ESPN, these faggot-ass cunts waited until a bunch of people who don't like Madden to begin with bitched.
So what if he goes after certain people -- are they untouchable? Yeah he's a pig. And that's why I listened to him several times a week.
OK, now that was funny. Wrestling fans, if you think he shilled for WCW back in the day, that's NOTHING compared to what he does with the Penguins.
So?
It's amazing. Whenever some conservative group with their panties in a wad complains about sex/violence/blacks on television/movies/radio we're always told by liberal elites to just not watch/listen to this stuff. But when it's something like Madden or Michael Savage it's HATE SPEECH. Oh well. And for the record, Madden is no conservative.
If the local Fox Sports Radio had any brains (and balls) they would hire Madden after his contract expires (he's still getting paid by ESPN). They probably won't, but I could be wrong.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 97: Reservior Kitty
The next poster on my list is really the cat’s meow – oh fuck you all, I’ve said worse. I really had no idea who Reservior Kitty was until Eddie Guerrero died, which I’m not sure if you, the TSM poster, were aware about in regards to his passing, especially if you get your Internet wrestling news from this place. I get that Eddie was a popular wrestler and all, but let’s just say that some people, well, overreacted a bit with his passing; jokes such as “The room is spinning,” “here comes the vomit” and “My whole family was depressed” were born from this unfortunate event. Oddly enough, when the news came out that Eddie died, I chose to keep my sarcastic mouth shut because a lot of people really did treat Eddie like a family member and I don’t want anyone cracking jokes at Paul Harvey (my Eddie Guerrero) when he finally goes to that big newsroom in the sky. However, I then saw a thread in the Music folder titled Songs that will make you think of Eddie Guerrero. I couldn’t take it anymore. A few of us decided to branch out and find out what other things made us thing of Eddie Guerrero, such as movies, pornography, books, and video games. Why do I mention all this? Because Mrs. Kitty was so kind as to take command of the computers and technology division, earning her a place on my list no matter what commie drivel she may think (and I’m sure she does since she personally knows Tyler). Also, I’m hoping that maybe by honoring her she’ll PM me some pics of her naughty bits or something. I guess it really is true that death can bring people closer together.
• They say the cool thing about baseball is that you never know what could happen each time you go to the ballpark, and that is true. Last night the Pirates played an 18-inning game against the Astros and won, thanks in part to a wild pitch that was thrown while the Astros were intentionally walking a batter. But here’s the kicker: apparently, this game should not have gone into extra innings. Earlier in the contest there was a play at the plate where the Pirates catches touched a runner with his glove, but he was holding the ball with his other hand. The hometown announcers said that should not have counted as an out, and since I don’t know the official rule on tagging someone I’ll just assume they’re correct.
I generally try to stay for any event I pay to attend, whether it is a movie or sporting event. There are a few exceptions. For example, if I invite someone to go to an event and they wish to leave a bit early, I’ll honor their request. But if it is up to me I wait until the final out is played or the ending credits roll. The only time I left a sporting event early was in 1990 during a Pirates/Dodgers game. For the first eight-and-a-half innings the Dodgers were getting the best of the Pirates and built up a hefty lead (something like 6-0) To make matters worse, the weather was awful, and there were several rain delays. I was at this game with a friend and my mom, and we all agreed to leave early and avoid the post-game traffic. We left at the top of the ninth, and by the time we made it to the car the Pirates were at bat. I remember being in a McDonald’s drive-thru when the Pirates scored the game-winning run and swore to myself right then and there that I would never leave another game early. A few years later I was at another ball game with my half-brother and a few other people. This time the Pirates were down by a handful of runs and played like shit for eight-and-a-half innings. While most people in the group were talking about leaving early, I suggested that we stick around; sure enough, the Pirates once again overcame a 5-6 run deficit and ended up winning the game. It was like déjà vu all over again.
6 p.m.
• 14-10 Pirates. I was right (see 1:30 p.m. entry).
• You may have already
already, but I don't care. I saw it for the first time today.
1:30 p.m.
• So I was flipping in-between the Braves and Reds games this afternoon, and just watched the unfortunate Reds pitcher give up 5 in the first to the Pirates and left the game with runners on first and second base with still NOBODY out. Ouch. Speaking of baseball, my MVP franchise is somewhere in mid-May, and when I played my A and MLB games this past week (both were on the same “day,” according to the calendar) I hit a grand slam in each contest. Never hit one before in any league, so to do so twice was weird. I hear cheering. Guess the Reds got someone out. I just heard Zach Duke is pitching for Shittsburgh. Cincinnati’s still in this one.
8 a.m.
• Uh, checkmate?
But that bad joke isn't the reason I posted this story.
"Tortuing them to death"? Oh boo-hoo you fucking commie.
Perhaps if the condemned wasn't a drug user, then the State could find a worthwhile vein to penetrate. Like I said before, I’m not always a fan of capital punishment, but that’s not because I feel bad for blacks/Latinos/the poor/etc. being given the needle. You can’t take back an completed death penalty. All it takes is one lying witness or DNA test to set someone convicted free. However, if you are filmed robbing a store and shooting the clerk, seen on camera trying to end the life of a police officer that pulled you over for a busted taillight, then you die. No questions asked. No 20,000 appeals. No cell with Internet access. No trying to figure out why you did what you did. You die.
Oh yeah, back to solving the crisis of torturing prisoners to death. You don’t have to spend 20 minutes finding a vein when you put a gun in a person’s mouth.
I hate Memorial Day weekend. Is it because I’m an anti-war commie that despises the imperialist machine and its march over the innocents of the world? Not quite. Memorial Day weekend brings about an annual event that takes place in my (red)neck of the woods. What is it you ask? The kkk in-law white trash gathering. God I hate this “family” get-together. Basically, the better half has this aunt who organizes a cookout at her house every year, and the cretins from Mrs. kkk’s side of the family make their way down. Fuck I hate going to this thing. Aside from the crack-whore sister-in-law and her out-of-control daughter, the better half’s immediate family is normal, or at least as normal as you can get. The rest of the family tree however, well … *shudder.*
This aunt whose residence we have to go to is a welfare bum who is too fat and lazy to get a real job. And the only reason she gets as much welfare as she does is because there’s another aunt there who has had one foot in the grave for the last 10 years. When she goes, so does the house; I heard that the government has some sort of “lean” on the house where once this woman dies the other aunt will have to either pay off debt that the property has accumulated over the years, or she will have to hand everything over to the State. Sadly, the healthy aunt managed to attend my wedding last June, which pissed me off because I wanted her not to show up, thus giving me a free pass from this abortion of a cookout for the rest of my life.
I shouldn’t be so negative though, because the better half’s one cousin and her troll family won’t be in attendance. She is a real winner in life. Back when she was 18 or so she lived at this soon-to-be-taken-over house with the two aunts. Then the man of her dreams came into her life – the handyman who the aunts hired to do some occasional housework. Was this guy a strapping young lad? No. He was a late forty-something, toothless, obese Mexican with a really bad comb-over. Not only that but he already had several kids from a previous marriage he did nothing for in regards to child support. Oh, and he made his living as a part-time janitor. Well these two kids fell madly in love and soon thereafter they tried bringing in even more children into this crazy world. There was one problem. Nature, apparently, had enough of this guy reproducing and made him sterile. That didn’t stop these two – the chick got artificially inseminated; not once, but twice. How are they supporting this family? With food stamps, welfare and just about every other public assistance program out there. After all, having the income of a part-time janitor to support a family of four isn’t what it used to be, thanks to this Bush economy. But yet somehow, someway, they managed to buy a house. Granted I’m sure it’s probably a shit hole, but it’s a house nevertheless. I love this country.
The reason this test-tube family won’t be gracing the rest of the white trash with their presence is because this cookout has been traditionally held on Memorial Day, but this year it’s being held on the day before. This is because someone in this clan who has an EMT job (or something like that) is going to be “on call” Monday and wouldn’t have been able to attend the cookout had it been held on May 29. Instead, the test-tube family is going to be spending the day at some local amusement park as a form of "protest" – I hope this place accepts food stamps or else there are going to be some hungry kids.
I do have some pleasant memories of this odd couple. A few years ago when we moved back to Pennsylvania, the better half invited them over to our previous residence. I don’t know why she did this, but whatever. Anyway, the Mexican began roughhousing our cats, which annoyed me, but I figured this would teach JJ a lesson the next time he decides to approach a dirty Mexican and sniff his shoe. However, this guy then picked up our one cat Shadow, who passed away in ’04. We got Shadow as a stray, and he always had a bit of a wild streak in him. I warned his handler that if Shadow didn’t want to be held he’d scratch and bite. My warnings went unheeded. A few seconds later, Shadow proceeded to claw the ever-loving shit out of him, drawing blood in a number of places. As Shadow was tossed back down, Mr. Sterile glanced over at me with a look of shock and outrage. I was doing everything I could to keep from laughing. That will do, cat. That will do.
9 p.m.
• Movie spoilers ahead – you’ve been warned so don’t bitch.
So I was flipping through the channels today and came across the conclusion of one of the worst movies I ever spent more than five minutes watching: Mr. Magoo. Holy Christ was this one piece of shit, and the sad thing is when this appeared in the theaters it actually SOLD OUT several times during my stint as a cinema employee. Later on I caught the tail end of Sniper. It was OK for what it was – I’ve seen worse. Much worse. This prompted me to keep the television on Spike in order to watch Sniper 2, which was on afterward. Of course, the ADD in me flipped channels after they shot some guy. OK, so I lied – I was also watching the Cubs/Dodgers game and FAUX News Watchlol2007. They may have explained this at the start of Sniper 2 when Tom Berenger was leading some rednecks on a deer-hunting expedition, but I would have missed the dialogue: how did they explain Tom being able to fire a gun when his trigger finger got lopped off in the previous movie?
• Lindsay Lohan got drunk and wrecked her car, allegedly. I'm not going to link the story because I don't care. However, what I will post is the picture used in the article.
Do we have a match?
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 98: MD2020
Nothing really special to say about MD2020; he seemed like a nice enough chap when he was here. He took part in my hippie football pick ‘em contest a year or so ago, he hated Mumia and Commies, and he liked kittens. At least he better like our four-legged friends.
• The Cleveland Cavaliers may be out of the postseason, and I don’t know what the local reaction is to the team’s near-upset of the Detroit Pistons. However I hope it’s not one of “Good job, guys.” It’s true that the Cavaliers weren’t expected to do anything beyond the first round of the playoffs, but when you are the underdog and have the opportunity to eliminate your opponent with a home game, you better take advantage of it. It’s great that Lebron James took his team to the brink of the Eastern Conference Finals, but you’re in the playoffs to win it all. Even if you are an eighth seed, you have to go into the playoffs with the mindset that you can win it all. Sure most high-seeded NBA teams beat their opening-round opponent, but these teams still need to enter these match-ups with the mindset of they can pull off the impossible. When these teams do get eliminated in the first round, then they can say, “Well, it was a nice run.” But once you get past that first round, it’s anybody’s game as far as I’m concerned. I remember back during the 1994-’95 NBA playoffs, the Denver Nuggets shocked the top-seeded Seattle Supersonics in the first round. The Nuggets then went on to take the heavily favored Utah Jazz to seven games before eventually losing. The head coach at the time, Dan Issel, stressed to his players that even though they overachieved, they should still feel the hurt of losing a second round playoff match-up in seven games. He was right, because the next year the Nuggets, once again an eighth seed, got swept by the San Antonio Spurs in the first round; the year after that they failed to even reach the postseason.
• John McCain got heckled during some hippie commencement address last weekend. I think what really caught him off-guard is that the hecklers didn’t do the heckling 60 days before his speech. Also, when I think of media figures who are "fueling the problem" of illegal immigrants, grouping Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage and Lou Dobbs(?) seems like an odd trio. Well, McCain silenced opposing voices 60 days before an election, so I guess that the fairness doctrine v 2.0 could be on the horizon, even with Republicans in power.
• A while back I ragged on some judge from Vermont who gave a light sentence for someone that repeatedly raped a kid for years. Just to show I’m not biased against liberal New Englanders, here’s a red diaper doper baby from a red state:
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 99: Jessie Ewiak
I have stopped going into the CE folder (or whatever it’s being called nowadays) for quite a while, which is a shame because for the longest time it was by far the most entertaining place for discussion and debate. Did I just say “discussion and debate”? What I meant to say was that for the longest time the CE folder was by far the most entertaining place for name-calling, flame-baiting and overall juvenile behavior. While there were many people (like me) who limited most of their posts to a smart-ass (and often unfunny) remark or two per post, there were some who tried to do more. One of these people was Jessie Ewiak, and surprisingly he was a favorite of mine. When he wasn’t explaining to members of the Conservative Brigade why the polls favored Kerry over Bush in ’04, he was wanking to one of the few elections Democrats did manage win that year. Also, when it came to talking about the Swift Boat Vets and the *coughallegedcough* cBS forged memos about Bush’s National Guard Service, Jessie was blog-tastic. In fact, the one thing I don’t like about Jessie is that he didn’t post more, because I really did enjoy reading his take on a variety of issues, even if I didn’t agree with them. So in the spirit of bipartisanship, even though I wish that all of the people Jessie votes for in the ’06 elections lose, I want them to lose by really small vote margins. Sadly, with the two of us living in Pennsylvania (him up in Erie, me down in Shittsburgh), I’m afraid that there will be quite a few people on his ballot taking congratulatory phone calls from political opponents later this year.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
• So last night I was watching the Hurricanes/Sabers game and they just ended the first period. With the Suns/Mavericks game yet to begin I decided to do some channel surfing, which is what any guy would do given the circumstances. So there I was flipping away when I came across MTV and this “Sweet 16” show. Wondering what the hell this was I put the remote down, which was my first mistake. I’ve never heard of this show before, but apparently it’s about spoiled brats and what they do for their 16th birthday. This episode focused on a chick named Alexa and her getting ready for the big day. The show started out with her giving away invitations right outside her house with a staff of security guards trying to keep the crowd of (she estimated) 400 in order. Once the invitations were given out, tragedy struck. Her boyfriend, Manny, broke up with her. It only got worse from there. To celebrate her becoming a woman, the family was going to rent out a hotel reception hall and decorate it in a Arabian motif, complete with belly dancers and snake charmers. However, there was a problem: Her mother didn’t like the centerpieces Alexa picked out. Then later on when she went out by the beach to take some glamour shots, the wind picked up, discombobulating the angel wings that were set up on her back. This hardship was so trying that she began crying over this. But all this paled to what happened later, when it was time for her to go car shopping with her dad. She picked this automobile and wanted it right then and there. Daddy, though, didn’t oblige because he was playing the negotiating game with the salesman over the $41,000 price tag. This brought on another wave of tears.
When it came time for the big day, Alexa was in for a rude awakening. Her mother purchased the centerpieces that she liked, not the ones Alexa preferred. To add insult to injury, Louis the Event Planner didn’t have time to replace them, so Alexa had to deal with these monstrosities that cost $3,000 less than the centerpieces she wanted. Note I didn’t say they cost $3,000 – they cost $3,000 LESS. All throughout the preparation process, Alexa kept saying how she wanted to impress her ex-boyfriend, who was in attendance, and on her big day everything was going wrong, leaving Manny unimpressed. But then it all turned around for our little Alexa. Dressed as a belly dancer, she gyrated in front of a packed audience, showing Manny what he was missing. When it was all said and done, Manny had a change of heart and said to her, “I wouldn’t mind getting back with you.” Oh but the laugh was on him, because Alexa said that she no longer wanted to be with him. You go girl. Then her father took Alexa outside to show her the car he bought – the same vehicle that she cried about not getting earlier in the episode. As if that wasn’t enough, her dad also got her a diamond-encrusted Rolex watch, to which she said, as her dad gave it to her, “Fuck the car, dude, check out my watch.” Manny, still heartbroken after being rejected by Alexa just minutes ago, said on camera, “”I could have been driving that car.”
Oh by the way, this wasn’t really Alexa’s 16th birthday; it was her 15th. God only knows what’s going to happen when she turns 21. And I will never watch this show again, partly because I don’t want to know if Alexa is one of the more or less extreme cases of this show.
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 24: Teke184/cop/whoever
Now some of you may be wondering why the 2005 Lucky Strikes Cigarettes Tar Bowl Champion is on my list – wasn’t he the one who banned Frigid over the infamous “sniper” remark that in turn triggered a shitstorm the likes of which has rarely been equaled at this place? To this I say, “yeah, and so what?” If Teke didn’t ban Frigid that whole thread, not to mention the others that spawned from it, wouldn't have been as entertaining as they were. Besides, it’s not like the other two points in this love triangle aren’t being represented. Slapnuts is on this list, as is Frigid, who went on to cause havoc with an entirely separate message board. Besides, teke can also find me entertaining at times … wait a second, that was tekecop. Are they the same? I don’t know. Either way, both names begin with “teke,” so that’s close enough for me. He also helped a brotha out in a previous kkk Bowl season and lets us know of Michael Vick’s Doggie-gate scandal with frequent updates over at the other place. And believe me, if there’s one thing I want to know about it’s how someone is pissing away his God-given athletic fortune just to see a few bitches go at it.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
5:15 p.m.
• OK, so for this past week on Jim Rome’s ESPN show he’s had some guy from Chicago and this black chick on his panel, and I’ve been digging this pair, especially the latter one. Something that turns me off about people that get on these shows is that they look like they don’t want to be there. This chick is an exception to this rule. But then we got to today with the Marvin Lewis “the cops are profiling my team” story. During this topic she brings up the “the Cincy po-pos have killed 15 black men since 1995."
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
OK, people, for those that haven’t lived in the southwestern Ohio region, let me fill you in on something. Whenever you hear this “15 black men killed by the PO-lice since 1995,” let me fill you in on a little secret.
Pity, and I liked her, too.
12 p.m.
• Too bad pops wasn't with his lush son driving from bar to bar. Now I see where Joshy got his sense of personal responsibility from.
10 a.m.
• This morning I was thumbing through some old newspapers at work in search for print ads whose ideas I can steal pay homage to when I create ads of my own. Recently, my local newspaper printed its “best of” businesses for the year – you know, “best steaks,” “best hospital,” etc. Well, the winner of “best vet” was this asshole who we originally took our three cats to until Shadow got sick and we found out this guy had no idea what he was doing. When I informed the better half via e-mail this morning about this, she responded by saying…
Yeah, she’ll be fuming over this one for the next day or two.
• While on the subject of work, I have to tell this story. About a week ago my idiot boss was talking about something or other, and he said to me that “we must bend over backwards for our customers.” Now just hearing these words come out of his mouth is funny enough, but yesterday the real punch line arrived.
Long story short. In our organization’s most recent publication, I created an ad for some yearlong promotion. Customers started receiving the publication on Wednesday and yesterday someone actually called in to inquire about said ad. This is what the ad tells you to do, after all. When my idiot boss was told by one of his secretaries (we are all his secretaries) that someone had questions about this promotion, he told the secretary to tell the caller that more information will be mailed out in a mass mailing that he hasn’t even planned yet and will take at least two weeks to complete. Bend over backwards indeed.
10 p.m.
• So I get the following subject line in my e-mail inbox.
You know I just have to click on this one. I do and get the following.
I'm guessing the Christian way of getting out of debt does not involve acting in gay pornos.
7 p.m.
• Yeah, shut down your pumps to show up Big Oil. Great idea.
This part I love.
Well, if you can't afford to fill your SUV up with go juice, then maybe you shouldn't have purchased the SUV. If I had a choice to pay $1/gallon or $3/gallon for gas, I'd glady take the former, but I just love all the whining people do when the price of fuel goes up. OMG I CAN'T GO ON VACATION NOW THX A LOT GEORGE W. BUSH. Want to point out that prices will go up due to the cost of gas increasing? I'm with you. But for people that have problems with their budget due to having to pay a few extra dollars per week for gas? You folks had problems way before the annual summer price spike. (For the record, whenever gas goes up by $1, that usually means the kkk household has to pay $10/week at the pump. Yet somehow we manage to go on living.)
5 p.m.
• I finally got around to watching that clip of LeBron James passing the ball to a teammate instead of trying to make the shot. James did the right thing, I don't care what anybody says.
10 a.m.
• It's a shame that a certain movie wasn't released a year or so later than it actually was. If so, and the film was shown in theaters after this story broke, the producers could have used the line, "based on a true story."
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 100: Anorak
I don’t know much about Anorak other than he lives in the U.K., and I don’t remember exactly when we first lovingly gazed into each other’s eyes. Anyway, for some time we constantly name-called each other in a number of threads, but then something strange happened: we actually started to get along better. We even PM’d each other a few times and had some civil discussions about soccer (or football, for non-Americans out there). And besides, for the longest time he had the cutest Avatar of some stuffed animal/puppet thing, which made reading his posts that much more entertaining, especially when he said things like, “You're a racist cunt yourself so please spare us your utter stupidity, ignorance and hypocrisy in future threads of similar nature. Thanks.” I may not know what the hell those euro-posters are talking about in their soccer threads, but here’s hoping one of Anorak’s teams ends up winning their league, or whatever it is they play for over there.
• Today’s lunch excursion was a real joy. There’s a Wendy’s just down the road from where I work, and I felt the need to consume the goodness of a triple cheeseburger (without the onions, of course). This store isn’t too big but it’s efficiently run for the most part (as many Wendy’s are from my experiences) but has a duo at register that is by far the best cashier-tandem I’ve ever encountered at a fast-food joint. One of them wasn’t working today and there was some other gal to take her place. You could tell she was new to the position and had the old deer-in-headlights look every time a customer asked her something. Couple this with the fact there were a half-dozen families in line and I began to regret my decision to come into the store and place my order. (Their lot was half-full, which is usually a good indication of whether or not to enter the store, especially during a lunch rush.)
What I hate about family orders is that the parents, nine times out of ten, have zero control over their spawn when they’re trying to place their order. Couple that with the cashiers having to put together Happy Meals, or whatever they’re called at other places, and it only adds to the prolonged wait. Then, to top it off, the parents sometimes try to make their kids order for themselves, which is a horrible idea because the kid is a) either scared to talk to a stranger wearing a hair net, or b) they don’t know what to order and you have to spend 10 minutes trying to get them to say “hamburger kids meal.” Of course, all the while these families are taking up valuable time, the customer line continues to grow. Naturally, these families don’t realize this, and the poor cashier has to deal with the rest of the herd, who by now have grown quite impatient.
The problem was with today’s lunch rush was that half of these “family orders” were done by the kids’ grandparents (either that or these parents decided to conceive REALLY late in life). The only thing worse than kids ordering are 80-year olds who never forget to mention that they get the “senior discount.” Not only do these people have no clue as to what’s going on around them, but also they never know what’s on the menu and don’t bother looking at it until it’s time to place an order. Also, when their order is finally placed on their tray, they attempt to engage the cashier in small talk and it takes them an hour to finally shuffle themselves away from the register.
Well, you couple the one cashier who didn’t know what she was doing with the other cashier who had to deal with two grandparents and three screaming demons, you can imagine how fun my time in line was. But I will count my blessings in this instance. After all, my order took about a minute to complete, and thankfully I got there before the lunch rush, so even though my wait was unnecessarily long, it could have been much worse; the line was almost out the door when I sat down and started to eat. Oh, and the triple cheeseburger was filled with all that greasy goodness that you can experience when consuming one of these heart-attacks-between-a-bun.
8:30 p.m.
• So the fat dyke is mad because the Republican on the show wouldn't defend her blathering?
I care more about making sure all the stool from my browneye is wiped off after taking a crap than I do about anything that goes on the "View," but this is hilarious. Maybe that Hasselbeck chick thinks you are a fucking loon and thus doesn't care what the RIGHT-WING pundits on cable news shows have to say about you. Now I have to go yell at EricMM for not defending me when Jobber of the Week called me a fucking idiot because I said that driving SUVs to the grocery store was great for the environment.
1:30 p.m.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This guy named Pablo gets on the air with his wife and tells the following story. They went to some event that was work-related and went to a bar afterward with some of his co-workers. His wife can’t find him for an hour, and when she finally sees Pablo, he’s with some chick who gives him a hug and kiss on the cheek. Pablo says this lady is a client of one of his co-workers, and although he has a clear recollection of that night’s events he can’t remember why she hugged/kissed him and what he was doing for that hour when he was M.I.A. He also doesn't understand why his wife, the mother of his kid, is upset. Oh, Pablo.
8:30 a.m.
• And to think the Steelers don't even hire cheeleaders.
7 a.m.
• Uh … OMGWESTCOASTBIAS~?
Don’t care. I know Boston tanked their games at the end to get a better chance at the draft's top pick, so payback’s a bitch (not sure how Memphis, Portland and Seattle played down the home stretch). Who do I take: Oden or Durant. Christ, I don’t know. I don’t watch college basketball unless it’s in late March, I hope everyone that gets drafted makes lots of money. So there.
• I watched the first period of the Wings/Ducks game last night, and wow were there quite a few empty seats, much like there was back in Game 4. I remember a while Bill Plaschke said on Around the Horn that the L.A. Times were no longer assigning someone to a Anaheim Ducks beat, and now I understand why.
6 p.m.
• Yawn.
Hmmm, maybe that is a good reason for her to stay in. Can you make a few more stops in California? Pretty please? Then again, between her and Osama, I think I would actually go with her. Jesus Chrst did I just say that?
• Why would Mikey be wowed? There's no food there. Then again, maybe that's what has him going into shock.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 101: EricMM
I was on the fence a bit with whether or not to include Eric in this oh-so-prestigious list, but it's not because he’s a commie. In fact, there are a number of lefties at TSM (and at the Other Place) who I get along with just fine (or at least I think I do). However, Eric suffers from time-to-time with one of the more annoying traits some in his camp have – It’s the old “If you disagree with me then you’re just ignorant” syndrome. Hell, he nearly shit his drawers one time when he learned that I set the grass clippings from my yard out for the garbage man to pick up rather than using this precious Mother Earth resource as some sort of fuel-generating product to power windmills. However I shouldn’t be too negative on Eric because I think he’s just a product of his environment (pun intended); you can’t expect some greenie weenie to just change his colors overnight. And besides, we share some common ground on other issues, like, um, making fun of low-carb dieters. Oh, and we also like the Clone Wars cartoons. Also, he can crack a good joke every now and then, which is why in the end I decided to recycle my original thought of putting him on the list. So there you go, you little green bastard.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Carnival:
From SFAJack:
• Back in the ’88 Vice Presidential debate Lloyd Bentsen told Dan Quayle that he was “No Jack Kennedy.” Well, now Quayle is “No Lloyd Bentsen." That's because Quayle’s still alive. LOLZ. Actually, from what I remember and read about Lloyd, I’d gladly take him over just about every Democrat, and quite a few Republicans, that are in office today.
• Here’s something that’s getting on my nerves: the dipshits making jokes about people not being able to find OLN on their cable line-up so they can watch the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Like it’s so hard to go on the TV Guide channel and figure out what station the Mighty Ducks/Oilers game is on. I know humans are lazy and stupid, but jeez. And I say go OLN – just because ESPN has a stranglehold on sports programming doesn’t mean every league has to bend over for them. Is the NHL not getting as much exposure by choosing OLN over ESPN? Yes. But it’s not like they were getting monster ratings when they were on ESPN for all those years anyway.
• I'm watching the Ducks/Oilers Game 3 and right after the early 1st Period brawling when several members of the Ducks were in the penalty box, this Oilers fan has a sheet taped to the glass with the line, "I'd rather be golfing" in a bubble (that you see when comic characters are thinking) behind one of the players. I love hockey fans from Canada.
10 p.m.
• Well, I knew it was going to happen someday. Remember this from 2+ years ago?
Well guess who's going to see a Pirates game tomorrow because his one out-of-state friend and her husband are visiting and want to see a game PNC Park? Yep. Well, it's the Cubs so the Bucs will probably get pounded 10-0. Oh well, at least I got $5 off each ticket because of some Comcast deal.
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 25: Flyboy
I liked the little bugger, in a master-likes-his-slave sort of way. It’s been a while since I chatted with the tyke, but the one thing I will always remember was the time he asked me for help on an assignment. He had to do some weekly hippie “current events” assignment, where, if memory serves, he had to take a current event and compare it to something that happened a while before that. Asking me for schoolwork help – you know a person doesn’t give a shit about his grade when this transpires. After a quick search of the news wires, I told him why not compare the Berlin Wall to the wall that the Jews were building at the time to keep out those pesky Muslims. He liked the idea and went with it – too bad he wasn’t doing an assignment about the U.S. building a wall to keep out Mexicans. Oh, and he likes them white, err, non-black girls, too. Well, except for one, anyway.
3 p.m.
• Swift Terror stole a bit of my thunder regarding some of the media’s comments about LeBron James and his late-game decisions on whether to take the final shot or pass it off to an open teammate. I didn’t watch last night’s Cavs/Pistons game. Well, actually, I turned on the game at halftime, saw the stats, noticed the Cavs were ahead in some key categories like offensive rebounds and points off turnovers and thought “are they in the lead?” I then saw that Cleveland was up by six points. I then watched Detroit score the next seven points at the start of the third quarter and turned off the television.
This morning I had on ESPN’s Mike and Mike on, and the show's skinny Jew was ragging on James for passing it off to other teammates in the game’s final seconds. The first thought that came into my head was Game 6 of the ’93 NBA finals when Jordan dished it off to a wide-open John Paxon for the series-clinching three-pointer (I forgot about Kerr's shot). I haven’t seen the game footage yet from James’ “moment of truth,” but at this time I’m siding with LeBron. If he had taken the shot and missed, or got to the free-throw line and didn’t make both shots, he’d be criticized for A) choking, or B) not passing it to an open teammate. You can make an argument about James not playing better when the game is on the line, but I’m not going to fault him for passing off to teammates who are set and ready to make an open shot.
Even though I listen to Jim Rome’s show and watch his television show (though not on an everyday basis), I had to tune into his third hour and laugh when I heard him defend his take on this subject and include that “well Michael wouldn’t have passed it to Paxon from 23 feet away” and that “Steve Kerr isn’t Donell Marshall.”
• Time for more PETA fun.
You know, I actually agree with PETA on this one. Forget that fact that the article said “Mike (the now deceased tiger) was moved last year into a $3 million home, complete with a bathing pool and waterfall, that offered 15,000 square feet of living space.” I say let the next Mike roam free. Let’s drop him off, at, say, 501 Front Street in Norfolk, Va. Also, let's not feed him before being released, thus allowing Mikey II to experience the thrill of hunting for his food. Then again, exactly how much sustenance can a big kitty get by munching on hippie vegans? Guess that means he’ll have to kill a few more. That’s a shame.
9 a.m.
• Boortz just had a great line regarding Michael Vick and his dog-fighting troubles.
I wonder if the Georgia Dome will be playing "Who Let The Dogs Out" at Falcon home games this year. I'm sure this will be a popular tune on the road. Here's the story if you're not up-to-date on this, or if you don't read Teke's "Vick Updates" at the other place.
KKK's Top 103 Posters List
Number 102: T®ITEC
I don’t see T®ITEC online all that much, which is odd considering Utah isn’t exactly a hotbed of social activity, unless you’re a Mormon with 10 wives and it’s “date night” at your compound. Anyway, I did have the fortune of speaking to her a few times on AIM, and she’s a nice enough gal. Because females are few and far between on places like Internet Message Boards, it’s always nice to get their perspective on relationship issues, and T®ITEC is no exception, considering her high kinky score and the offering of sage advice like “stop trying to fuck anything that talks to you, and aim a little higher.” Another plus is that she’s a cat person, which is never a bad thing. And she hates children, which is always a good thing. I still don't know how to type that hippie ® though -- thank God for "copy and paste."
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
• It’s been revealed that William Jefferson, Democrat, Louisiana, is on tape accepting bribe money or something. I guess this means in the next election he’ll win by a bigger margin than in previous campaigns.
• I normally don’t like Pardon The Interruption’s “5 Good Minutes” segment, but today’s interview with A.J. Pierzynski was great, especially when they started talking about Jay Mariotti and how he never frequents the White Sox locker room.
• Just heard on SportsCenter that the horse who broke his leg this past weekend is checking out the chick horses in his stable, which the vets said is a good sign. I say it doesn’t mean anything. Even when a man’s on his deathbed, he’s still going to check out his nurse’s cleavage.
• This is what is wrong with people – we’re too fat and lazy to check anything. For example, did you know that a 6.5-ounce serving of YoCrunch Low Fat yogurt with Nestle crunch candy pieces has 210 calories? Let me repeat that: a low fat yogurt with NESTLE CRUNCH CANDY PIECES. I get this brand of yogurt every now and then, but I treat this product more of a snack and know that this isn’t the greatest thing in the world for me. However, it could be worse, I could eat an entire Nestle Crunch bar.
• I’m going to defend Congress on this one. According to the article, “The House was to vote late Monday on the bill, which requires that state and local preparedness offices take into account pet owners, household pets and service animals when drawing up evacuation plans.” Being the owner of three cats, I’d make sure they have space on the rescue boat than many of the products I saw of our Great Society during Katrina. At least I know when I give Dessa, JJ, and Max shelter, food and water, they won’t end up stealing my television. Breaking it? Maybe. But not stealing it for crack or some bling.
• KKK's Top 103 Posters List
So back a week or so ago I was looking at someone’s favorite something-or-other list, and I suddenly got inspired to do my own list of top/favorite posters at TSM. As I began typing away the names of user handles that popped into my head, I had no idea how many names I would continue with before stopping. I got up to 103 before getting bored, and also because I was too lazy to trim off the three names that would make my list an even 100 number. After looking over this list a day or so later I did a little re-arranging of the order and finalized it. So, without further ado, I kick-off KKK's Top 103 Poster List.
Number 103: Sideburnious
Sideburnious falls under the category of posters I like but I don’t spend much, if any, time talking to. I think one reason I'm having some trouble coming up with a "favorite Sideburnious moment" is because he’s “TSM Invisible Poster.” However, he’s not invisible enough to make #103 on my list.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Carnival:
So who will be in the 102 spot? Tune in and find out.
• So tonight will bring to an end to “Charmed,” one of those shows that I have no idea why I watch. Actually, I know the reason. A year or two ago the better half began watching this program on TNT with three chicks talking and doing nothing but show off cleavage for an hour before finally vanquishing someone (or something) at the end. After asking her what the show was about and being told that it deals with three witches who do a bunch of stuff I retreated to another room. Months went by and every time this show was on television Mrs. kkk would be there watching it. The few times I saw more than 10 seconds of this program I asked questions as to what the hell was going on. The answers I got most of the time just confused me more. "If Cole is the source of all evil why then did he stop being a lawyer?" "Didn't Shannon Doherty used to be on that show?" How come the chick who replaced Shannon can teleport while the others can't?" "Didn't they already kill those Triads before?" "How come Leo can't heal people anymore?" Anyway, whenever a holiday or birthday would come around, getting the latest “Charmed” season released on DVD was always an easy gift choice to get. Because the better half watched these shows nonstop I inevitably started watching them, and once the show came back for a final season on the WB I watched it along with her. Now it’s the series finale and I’ll be hoping that Billie dies a miserable death. If you don’t know who Billie is, don’t ask. Trust me, you’ll be better off that way.
6:15 p.m.
• Since Smues is talking about perv teachers from back in the day, I felt inspired to tell my story regarding this subject.
I almost failed eighth grade because…
I was an only child.
I had divorced parents.
They were passing a black kid instead of me – damn affirmative action.
Rap music told me school was for bustas.
My government school didn't provide me with an adequate learning environment.
...I was a lazy piece of shit that played video games all day instead of studying (you can't just beat "Ghouls 'n Ghosts" on the first try).
One of the classes I failed was science. I’ve always hated this subject, but this year was especially bad because I hated my teacher. The guy’s name was Mr. Kuniak, and he was one of those “cool” teachers. Or at least he was “cool” with the jocks and cheerleaders and all those other tools that did things like homework and reading from textbooks. Conformists. Anyway, every quarter we got these progress reports called “green sheets.” Generally, the dreaded progress report was sent out in subjects you were failing midway through a grading period, but Mr. Kuniak gave everyone a green sheet that had to be signed by a parent. Of course, while everyone was taking home sheets of paper reading “Johhny is getting 105 percent in my class,” I was failing, and failing bad. These sheets also had to be turned back in within a few days. Of course, I just kept mine and didn’t bother to get it signed or turned in. After a few weeks, and constant badgering from Mr. Kuniak, I finally signed my mom’s name and gave it to him. There was one little problem. I forgot to erase the “Get a woman faggot” sentence I wrote on the green sheet when I first got this document highlighting my academic deficiencies. Oops. As I gave this sheet to him I saw my handiwork and tried to take it away from him. I failed. If I was ever to experience a bowel movement in class, this would have been it. Mr. Kuniak looked at the sheet and the following conversation took place.
“kkk, is this your handwriting?”
“Yes.”
“Erase it. It’s unacceptable.”
That was it.
My friend who was sitting next to me at our lab table took one look at what I wrote and was reduced to years in mere seconds from laughing so hard. You know a teacher doesn’t give a shit about you when they don’t even care you mocked their alleged sexual preference. To add to this story, a few years later, while trying out for the junior varsity team, I found out on the first day of try-outs that Mr. Kuniak was the JV coach. Surprisingly enough, we were quite civil to each other. Maybe he just figured he had to deal with me for a few days before cutting me – my basketball skills weren’t much better than my ability to remember what was on the periodic table. I saw him a few times after that and there didn’t appear to be any leftover hatred. What has this got to do with Smues’ entry? Years after graduating high school, I heard Mr. Kuniak got fired for sexual harassment or something like that from a female student. Do I think he did anything? Dunno. I’m guessing his easy-going nature was probably used against him by some chick who was upset at not getting an A+++. Then again, he might have been banging the color guard all this time without me knowing. One thing’s for certain, though.
I don’t believe he was gay.
12:30 p.m.
• If Jimmy Carter rambles on about the WORST ADMINISTRATION IN OUR HISTORY, and everybody except for Medium-Large Media, pays attention, did he really say it at all?
Bill Clinton talking smack about W. I can understand – at least he had THEGREATESTECONOMYINTHEHISTORYOFTHEWORLD to fall back on. Jimmy, oh Jimmy.
Over the years the TSM community has been an interesting bunch. While many of us bicker and type things to each other that we definitely probably perhaps wouldn’t say in a face-to-face encounter, enough time has passed as this place that we share memorable life experiences with each other. Births, weddings, passings. And even though TSM will never be mistaken for a bona fide support group, there are enough people at this place that will provide words of congratulations, encouragement and condolences at the right time. Then there are also enough of us to throw in an *unzips pants*, which although juvenile is also necessary. If not, how else would I be at 15,000+ posts?
How it all started
It was late one night and I was too awake to go to bed but I was too tired to actually do anything of importance. So I did what I normally do in this situation. I went on the Internet. I don’t remember what thread/blog I was reading at the time, but I do recall it involving some half-assed countdown of something or other. It was at that time I decided to do my own countdown. A countdown that has never been done before. But of what?
Well of my top 103 posters. For some reason, this thought jumped in my head and stayed there for just enough time for me to randomly type a number of posters that popped in and out of my memory. After a while I stopped typing names and realized I had an odd number of names. And of course EVERY list needs a safe, divisible amount, right? Wrong, hippie.
Well, exactly two years(?!) and 102 posters later, the moment of truth has come. Who is ranked #1? Rather than list the name at the start of this post, I will wait until the end. Click on the links if you want, but treat them as spoiler tags.
But first, let's see who has already been accounted for.
Number 103: Sideburnious
I think one reason I'm having some trouble coming up with a "favorite Sideburnious moment" is because he’s “TSM Invisible Poster.”
Number 102: T®ITEC
I still don't know how to type that hippie ® though -- thank God for "copy and paste."
Number 101: EricMM
I shouldn’t be too negative on Eric because I think he’s just a product of his environment (pun intended).
Number 100: Anorak
For some time we constantly name-called each other in a number of threads, but then something strange happened: we actually started to get along better.
Number 99: Jessie Ewiak
When he wasn’t explaining to members of the Conservative Brigade why the polls favored Kerry over Bush in ’04, he was wanking to one of the few elections Democrats did manage win that year.
Number 98: MD2020
Nothing really special to say about MD2020; he seemed like a nice enough chap when he was here.
Number 97: Reservior Kitty
The next poster on my list is really the cat’s meow – oh fuck you all, I’ve said worse.
Number 96: Chave
He has nice teeth, and for someone who lives across the Pond from me, that says a lot.
Number 95: Kotz
I’ve known him at TSM for years, and I’m still unsure if we get along or not.
Number 94: FrigidSoul
We teamed up and good times were had by all, especially when goofing on some kid's mom and her unsuccessful bout with cancer. You can’t brush aside moments like this just because someone went and deleted a message board.
Number 93: Smues
He makes fun of Barry Bonds and ESPN, along with Mikey Moore. You can't win me over any more than goofing on those three subjects.
Number 92: Swift Terror
When he got promoted to the management level I was at we got to know each other better during some projects our groups worked together on. Well, the people working under us worked; I spent most of my day posting at TSM, which eventually pulled in my co-worker, too.
Number 91: Paul Stanley
If he's been laid off already for making too much money, here's hoping he finds something that pays him more and has him working less.
Number 90: Masked Man of Mystery
He’s a Professional Otaku, and no list is complete without one of those.
Number 89: Olympic Slam
He’s more conservative than me yet lives in California.
Number 88: The Czech Republic
He’s extremely approachable on AIM and has answered every inquiry I have asked him through this medium, from explaining what exactly a “neocon” is to what parts of the Windy City and its surrounding areas support the Cubs and which areas support the White Sox.
Number 87: Latin Assasin
He may be Latino, but I'll still give him a pound, or whatever it is those black people do when greeting each other.
Number 86: JAxl Morrison
When he's not putting his sexual partner's life at risk by banging her while she still has a tampon inside of her, he's putting his own life at risk by getting it on with military wives.
Number 85: Ant 7000
He tries his hardest to answer that age-old question: "Why do black men go after fat white girls?"
Number 84: Crono T
When you're good enough to get the Best Ending, the Frog Ending, and the Secret Ending, then we'll talk. Until then, keep on digging, Watson.
Number 83: BDC
He’s the unofficial ninja of the Conservative Brigade.
Number 82: Special K
What puts him at number 82 on my list is the phenomenon that was his “Hey everybody, I finally got laid" thread.
Number 81: Agent of Oblivion
Although he considered me the worst poster of 2004, can anyone really blame him for that?
Number 80: The Franchise
I don’t think he lives in one of the better neighborhoods across the Pond.
Number 79: Treble
You can't really blame the Office Glen for crashing my threads, considering I have derailed a few of his on occasion.
Number 78: Kahran Ramsus
When he signed up in my football contest last year, I got the pleasure of interacting with him more than when he just closes threads I help queer up.
Number 77: Sass
I always found Sass, during his time as a mod, to be a voice of reason in many instances.
Number 76: Your Paragon of Virtue
He's harmless enough when talking about current events, back when I used to do that sort of thing.
Number 75: Jingus
Jingus, along with a few other people, formed another message board, which a few of us still post at.
Number 74: Buffybeast
She loves her hosses and hates black people.
Number 73: Dr. Venkman
He has a good Avatar and named after a kick-ass movie character.
Number 72: The Thread Killer
I didn’t know much about this guy until he came out of the closet.
Number 71: NY Untouchable
I need to somehow make up for breaking his heart by voting against him in the first round of this year’s Poster Tournament.
Number 71: Cena’s Writer
He didn’t mind when I moved him from the Cards to the Saints during the off-season.
Number 69: Bob Barron
Bob is one of the more recognizable posters at this place. And how can he not be, considering he's had that hat longer than the Braves have been winning Division titles.
Number 68: Agent Bond34
I do feel for him when a few years ago he got banned by some mod because that person thought Agent was a previously banned poster (Mr. Zsasz).
Number 67: Slapnuts
Slapnuts isn’t too bad a guy, even though he will forever be remembered for a certain 77 words.
Number 66: Y2Jerk
One could rest assured that during spring of ’05 there would be a Y2Jerk/MikeSC clash of the day.
Number 65: Starvenger
He’s part of my football contest and had a tough year with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers last season thanks to a few close losses.
Number 64: UseTheSledgehammerUh
At one point he was even banned, but I’ve never had a problem with him.
Number 63: Mr. S£im Citrus
I actually see a lot of myself in Mr. S£im. Well except for that whole "serving your country" thing. Plus I'm white. Oh, and there's that whole kid issue.
Number 62: The Scotsman
I only spoke with him once via AIM, and that was just to give him a link to a news story about some kid with Downs Syndrome being elected Homecoming King in his school.
Number 61: 2Gold
Even Kotz likes him, and it’s in a non-sexual matter, too.
Number 60: Prime Time Andrew Doyle
He’s also been tempted to seek the services of a hooker right after his classes finish early, but he’s too cheap to pay the $140 for a half-hour of service.
Number 59: Fazzle
I remember seeing a picture of him surrounded by some cute chicks that were around his age. Good work.
Number 58: King PK
Goddamn do I love that Avatar.
Number 57: El Santiaco
We both agree that the best zombie is a slow-moving zombie.
Number 56: Canadian Guitarist
He works at Wal-Mart, and because he’s a self-professed hippie I can’t imagine he takes much joy in helping his employer take over the world.
Number 55: Bps21
When you have me going, “Wow. This guy is really jaded,” you know you're doing something right.
Number 54: Cobain was Murdered
He's had an interesting selection of jobs, from his stint as a rugged lumberjack to being able to go to town with a store's slurpee machine.
Number 53: Banky
I’ve grown to like Banky (or whatever he’s calling himself this week).
Number 52: The Max
He’s more than accommodating when you’re asking questions about NHL ’06.
Number 50 and 51: Darrylxlf/AndrewTS
I can never remember which one is which, and I stopped trying to remember because it's a chore enough not to forget other things in life like "first pants then your shoes."
Number 49: Mole
I generally despise the “college lifestyle” and believe most people who engage in it need to be taken out to an alley and shot.
Number 48: Hoff
I'm still sure he spent $10.39 in Eden Prairie, MN, on a hooker.
Number 47: Cuban Linx
He’s a founding member of my football contest.
Number 46: Marvin is a Lunatic
When a male virgin finally achieves penetration because it’ll only last 5-10 seconds. Yes, I am speaking from personal experience.
Number 45: Canadian Chick
Having seen Canadian Chick do wrestling moves, I’m quite certain that not only can she blend in as being one of the guys (at least on the days where she’s not ragging it) but she could also probably pummel many of us with snap suplexes, half-nelsons or whatever those things are.
Number 44: Vyce
Vyce and I have this special connection, and no it’s not because we spy on all the pre-teen girls in our neighborhoods.
Number 43: Anglesaut
I'm fairly certain that these kids knew that the fire boom-boom stick would cause boo-boos.
Number 42: Rob E. Dangerously
He threatened to extort me once because I posted something good about John Kerry a long time ago that said I might consider voting for him.
Number 41: Canadian Chris
His name is Chris, and he is from Canada.
Number 40: Alfdogg
He helped out during the most recent kkk Bowl IV season. In fact, I think he handled it better than me.
Number 39: Dames
Without Dames, we wouldn’t be here today showing fellow posters pictures that we like, bitching about the latest RAW broadcast or saying how much this place sucks.
Number 38: Stephen Joseph
I just wish I knew what he did for a living.
Number 37: AlwaysPissedOff
I don’t think I’ve ever seen him pissed off, or even slightly irritated for that matter.
Number 36: Vitamin X
V-X would rather live in an America that resembles the commie commune many of his people risk their lives trying to flee.
Number 35: Damaramu
While known for his sports-folder meltdowns whenever the Oklahoma Sooners lost a football game, I’ll remember him better as that journalism student who vigorously pursued his dream of writing athlete profiles and game recaps.
Number 34: Carnival
If you don’t know what a juggalo is, just be thankful and move on.
Number 33: Hawk 34
He’s been suspected of being the previously banned poster Choken One, I really don’t care.
Number 32: Hogan Made Wrestling
He doesn’t seem to care much for blogs, which makes me wonder what the hell he’s doing on this list in the first place.
Number 31: Meatwad
When it comes to smart-ass replies, you can’t beat my Meat.
Number 30: Lovecraft
He hates freedom, to be sure. But he also hates commies, which is a bigger plus than the former is a minus.
Number 29: Spaceman Spiff
At the other place he came out defending the Supreme Communists of the United States.
Number 28: Gert T
Whenever I speak of my time in Middletown, Ohio, he actually knows what I’m talking about.
Number 27: Porter
Porter has been more than accommodating on AIM whenever I’ve had a question (or seven) about MVP Baseball 2005.
Number 26: BX
Just because I disagree with 99.999999999 percent of what someone thinks regarding politics (and I’m still waiting for that 0.000000001 percent of something we agree on) doesn't mean I have to hate him for it.
Number 25: Flyboy
I liked the little bugger, in a master-likes-his-slave sort of way.
Number 24: Teke184/cop/whoever
Teke can also find me entertaining at times … wait a second, that was tekecop.
Number 23: Bored
I wound up getting sodomized by Kotz in the Meow Mix Pussy Bowl – oh, yeah, and Kotz correctly predicted more games during Bowl Week than I did.
Number 22: Danny Dubya
The eastern part of this state is so contaminated with Democrats that if Three Mile Island would have had a full meltdown it would improve the region.
Number 21: Cartman
He did some “Survivor” deal back in ’03. We've been around that long?
Number 20: Al Keiper
He patrols with a big stick. That’s wooden. And made in Louisville. Well, maybe not Lousville – I have no idea what with globalization and all.
Number 19: The Real World’s Champion
It’s hard to go wrong with someone that starts a thread titled: “ Mikey was at my school...” followed by “No word on if the gym collapsed.....”
Number 18: Bravesfan
Years back he had some pick 'em football contest and I think it eventually drove him mad.
Number 17: Wildbomb 4:20
Wildbomb finally caught on and realized that nobody at this place is going to significantly change his or her opinions because some faceless message board poster said something smart.
Number 16: Cerebus
He moved on to do stuff in the real world, such as make babies with his hot wife, teach and do other grown-up stuff that I’m still trying to stay away from.
Number 15: Slayer
He’s got enough common sense to stay away from liberal craziness, but at the same time he shakes his head whenever his red state of Kansas acts like … well, a red state.
Number 14: King of the 909
From reading the limited entries in his blog it doesn’t appear that royalty in a state filled with illegal aliens would be all that appealing.
Number 13: NoCal Mike
He’s one of the few left-wingers that I believe would vote for Ralph Nader.
Number 12: Bigolsmitty
What separates Smitty from most of the Marxists here is that he’s actually funny with his shtick. And by funny I don’t mean C-Bacon funny.
Number 11: sfaJack
If it weren’t for saps like sfa and myself getting up for work, paying taxes and keeping this economy humming, then Pedro wouldn’t be sneaking across the southern border to pick lettuce and Mohammad wouldn’t be sneaking across the northern border to blow up a commerce center.
Number 10: Jobber of the Week
If he would be as fiscally responsible in Congress as he says he is at TSM, then I wouldn’t mind if some of his treasonous ideas got through the cracks.
Number 9: Mr. Rant
Is it really necessary to put a "NSFW" warning to a thread titled "THIS COMPLETELY RUINS A GOOD CUM BATH?"
Number 8: Ripper
For the last time, black people don't tip.
Number 7: Vern Gagne
He's the Conservative Brigade member who loads the ammo inside the tank.
Number 6: Black Lushus
Mr. Lushus is from Nebraska, has legitimate children and works a full-time job, so what little street cred he had is long gone.
Number 5: Cancer Marney
She’s my goddess, not to mention protector -- if not from Abdul flying in coach with that fuse hanging out from his shoe, then from posters from across the pond.
Number 4: MikeSC
For those of you that ventured into the Current Events folder in its heyday you will probably never look at a Michael from South Carolina the same way ever again.
Number 3: nl5xsk1
For more than THREE YEARS I’ve been involved in a shootout of insults with someone because of a split-second thought and a few keystrokes.
Number 2: Dr. Tom
Reporting for duty, General.
kkk's Top 103 Posters
Number 1: ???????
This selection may come as a surprise to some. Hell, this poster even once uttered one of my most hated lines of: “Can’t a cop/soldier just shoot someone in the leg instead of the chest so he doesn't get killed?” However, much like Padme when, with her final breath, said of her Jedi meat puppet, “there is good in him,” that is the same case with this poster – except for the gay sex and all that.
What got this poster so highly ranked? Well, for starters, he may hate his country, but he isn’t afraid to mock those who probably vote the same way he does in general elections. Also, CE vets may remember a few years ago back on April Fool’s Day a group of us deciding to post a mile in the other side’s shoes. Whose idea was it to do this? Mine, of course. But I needed a commie counterpart to pull this off, and this poster was more than happy to oblige. Then a few years later, after Eddie Guerrero passed away and the “You’re being serious” line became an instant classic, this same poster and I decided to spread the “_______ that make you think of Eddie Guerrero” threads to other folders.
Such as video games.
And movies.
And computers.
And books.
And porn.
And porn, again.
Was this dumb? Yeah. But was it funny? Well it seemed so at the time.
And while this poster hasn’t been around as often during W.'s second term than his first, the CE antics, along with a variety of other antics, made my final selection an easy choice. Besides, even though we were at opposite spectrums a few years ago (He's actually gotten quite conservative now that he's actually earning money and paying taxes, and Republicans have pissed me off quite a bit -- wait, does that mean the closer he got to the center was offset by my further tilt to the right because these so-called "small government" bitches in my Party have been anything but? Then again, I don't think I can get much more "conservative" because I don't consider myself much of a fundie, outside of the whole killing of the unborn. OK, now I'm really getting off track.), there are two things that will always unite message board posters: John Madden and porn. Err, let me rephrase that. How about the John Madden video game franchise and the porno industry? Yeah, that sounds better -- and it doesn't give "Boom! He's on his back!" a double meaning.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…
…Dr. Tyler; Captain America
FOR AMERICA!!1++one, indeed.
• Well today was one of those days where I had to go into the office early at 7 a.m. Then it was off to a quarterly board meeting at 9 a.m. that didn’t get out until 3 p.m. Then it was back to the office where I stayed until 10:30 p.m. working on stuff (including this entry ). While many people hate to work weekends, I don’t really mind it. Hell, for most of my life working weekends was considered the norm. But what I really like about working Saturdays now is that I’m by myself in the building. This means no phone calls to deal with, no bosses giving me assignments that they will never get around to doing anything with, no rush-hour traffic to navigate when driving home, and no golf shirt and Dockers (although I’d rather wear these kind of clothes than jeans, there’s nothing quite like wearing shorts while typing at your work station). Also, because I’m not a salaried employee these eight non-meeting work hours mean comp time, which I’ll be taking off sometime this week or next week.
Here’s a tip for my fellow hourly employees; when you work the extra hours, don’t keep them around; use them ASAP. And don't forget to write down the times you came in early or stayed late. The reason for this is if you wait a while to take that three-day weekend, your boss will strangely forget the extra work you performed. It’s amazing how bosses forget things like the 16-hour workday you put in or how you worked a 50-hour workweek. I learned that lesson the hard way a few years ago at this place, which really pissed me off because I'm usually pretty good at keeping documentation of what I do. After working four days out-of-state where my workday always began at 5-6 a.m. and finished at 1-2 a.m., I was “fortunate” enough to get ONE FUCKING COMP DAY out of the whole thing. Oh, and this was around the time when I was moving into my house back in ’04. So instead of having three days to comfortably get situation in the biggest purchase of my life, I got to do several days' worth of moving in one 24-hour period. But onto happier stuff: Whenever I decided to take a day off from work, I prefer it to be a Monday. Most people I know like having Fridays off, but I’d rather stay up late on Sunday night (especially if it's football season) and enter the workweek with only four more days to go until the next weekend.
• I know NOTHING about this hippie Da Vinci Code. The only think I’ve heard about this book and the resulting movie is that it’s supposed to show us how Jesus had a wife or something. I don’t care about this stupid premise, but I’ll play along. No matter what “proof” is out there, there’s no way Jesus was knocking boots with the Mary chick (not his mom mind you, but the other one with the funky last name). My proof for this? If Jesus was married, he wouldn’t have been saying shit like “Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?” while on the cross. Like any married man, he’d be saying, “Come on, God, kill me now! Damnit, now she’s nagging me about dripping blood onto my clothes and how these stains won’t come out in the wash. Now you're letting me live to hear her bitch about how I never listen to what she has to say? You really are a cruel God!” Then again I could be all wrong; maybe Jesus was hitched. After all, it’s not like he stuck around here on earth to hang with his disciples after he was resurrected. He probably wanted to get the hell off the planet since the morning after he did the deed with Mary M.
• If the people of New Orleans re-elect Ray Nagin as their mayor, then I hope Pat Roberston really does have some inside info as to what kind of havoc God will wreak on us as a nation.
10 a.m.
I’m not ragging on Scroby here – lord knows I have my share of low-paying job stories – it’s just his tale of a video game store boss taking advantage of customers made me chuckle.
It’s funny to think what constitutes taking advantage of a client depending on your line of work. The reason I mention this is that my one idiot boss always fucks over our customers – Scroby's post brought to mind of a situation earlier this year was when the idiot tried to get someone to convert to a different annuity so we could extend that person’s surrender charge. Problem was, that annuity didn’t best serve her. She’s older and the annuity that she was in was a better deal for her, so when my co-worker (who is in charge of financial services in name only) stumbled upon the paperwork for this annuity plan transfer, he immediately contacted this person and got her to keep her current annuity plan. This account was well into five figures and she would have been screwed out of at least $500 per year while having to keep her money with us for another six years in order to avoid early withdrawal penalties if she would have went with the idiot's plan, which could have been illegal because it's likely he didn't tell the customer, among other things, about the extended surrender charge, which is a very big "no-no."
9:30 a.m.
• I might not be going the route you may think I’m going with this one.
No, I don't have a Quickie Mart story of my own that's similar. In fact, I tried to minimize my chatting with Lottery People. I didn't give a shit if there was one scratch-off ticket left on a roll or if a new roll was on display. This is what popped in my head upon reading this story: A Quickie Mart-employed single mother with NINE maxed out credit cards plus almost $9,000 in debt for an ASSOCIATE’S DEGREE plays the lottery. (I’m sure this isn’t the first time she’s spent money on government-sanctioned gambling.) Why am I not surprised? I will give her credit. (Well, maybe not “credit” because she’ll max it out within a week – how about “props?) She went with the 20 payments instead of the lump sum, due to her inability to budget money.
9:15 p.m.
• As I’ve said before, Tuesday is usually grocery shopping day for the kkk household, and that means my Jew-ness can come out in all its glory. There are many things in life you can’t control, especially when it comes to expenses. However, grocery shopping is a bona fide way to save money, especially if you are careful about what you spend. For me, it’s all about coupons and in-store sales. With few exceptions, if a product isn’t on sale and I don’t have a coupon (which gets doubled up to 99 cents), I don’t get it. Now Mrs. kkk isn’t nearly as bad as I am, but she has gotten more Jewish as the years have gone by. However, today I have reached my pinnacle.
I knew this was going to be a big coupon week. I generally look through the weekly circular on Sunday-Monday and get an idea of what’s on sale. I then go through my coupons and put the ones that feature on-sale products to the front of the line. I noticed that this week there were quite a few sale/coupon combos. (BTW: If my Sunday Tribune-Review has at least two packs of coupons, I will go out and get the Sunday Shittsburgh Post-Gazette. Yes, I’m that pathetic.) When we go to the store there are always in-store sales that weren’t advertised, so I’m also on the lookout for these deals, too. And boy were there some doozies. Some highlights:
French’s yellow and spicy brown mustard. On sale, $1 each. Two 50 cent off coupons doubled. Do the math.
Frank’s hot sauce. On sale, $1.79. One $1 off coupon.
Aleve gel caps. On sale, $2.99 for a pack of 20. Three 75 cent off coupons doubled.
Two cottage cheese/fruit combo packs. On sale, $1 each. One 55 cent off coupon doubled.
And so on.
At the end of this week’s shopping trip, I ended up saving $61.24 off a $144.15 order. But the best part of all. The self check-out machine refused to accept my order because it said, in tech jargon, that I had saved too much money, or at least that’s what the store employee who rang up my order told me.
I always find it amusing when I read stories about how people have to change their lifestyle due to the HORRID BUSH ECONOMY. Along with taking less exquisite vacations, one change I commonly read is that families now clip coupons and watch what they buy at the grocery store. Shit, I’ve been doing that since 1999 when I first started living on my own.
10 p.m.
• You know, sometimes when you work for idiots you really want to get the hell out of there. However, there’s something that keeps me from really looking for another job. That reason? Because this place is awesome – in a trainwreck sort of way. Our Marketing Director, which is a fancy way to say “head insurance salesman,” gets boned at every turn at this place and today may have been the final straw. Long story short. Late last month he attended this public event to meet and greet/press the flesh/do that sales stuff which keeps the wheels of commerce spinning. And yesterday he turned in his expense report. Today he got called up and got scolded for a $600 tab. He was gone for three days in Michigan. All he put down was the daily per diem and mileage. He didn’t add anything for food, tolls or other expenses, like, say the RENTAL CAR he got because his two vehicles were in the shop. Here’s how it broke down:
Hotel: More than $100 per night for three nights.
Mileage. Just under $300 round-trip from Shittsburgh to Michigan.
Oh, and this is the first time after more than two years on the job that he turned in a per diem expense. (He didn't even know he was allowed to turn in a per diem for events like this until earlier this year when he told the one idiot that he couldn't afford to keep going to these out-of-state events. That's when the idiot said, "You can put your hotel costs on an expense report." This is the same idiot that gave my co-worker his orientation at this place; I would have thought per diems would have been mentioned when my poor co-worker is "encouraged" to travel as often as possible.) Did I mention he has a "Marketing Budget" of $5,000 that he hasn't been allowed to spend at all this year? After this confrontation, my partner in crime began the day’s job search and had an interview at 3:15 p.m. with a place that knows in 2006 my co-worker did more businesses than the top four producers at the next busiest organization in our field. If he leaves within the next few days I’m going to have a grand ol’ time at work, especially since that will mean my idiot bosses will be too pre-occupied trying to play damage control when my co-worker sends out correspondence describing exactly why he left, which means I’ll be left alone even more than usual. Good times, I say.
• Even though the Smues household may be paying more than he would like for car insurance on a 2000 Ford Ranger that has been driven 115,000+ miles, it could have been worse. The future Mrs. Smues could have had a guy with a penis pendant sell her the car.
• Oh good lord.
