• So I was heading out from work today when I heard about a potential sniper in some building in downtown Shittsburgh, effectively paralyzing the city. Great. And I had to go downtown to pick up the better half from her job. I pulled into a gas station and filled up the tank, expecting to be in gridlock for some time while trying to get around the Fort Pitt tunnels, which had been shut off, according to news reports. Then when I got back in the car, I heard that all was resolved. Apparently, some guy had been shooting pigeons with a pellet gun. I can’t wait until this makes its way around the wires, if it hasn’t already. Instead of making some smart-ass remark, I’m going to defend the city/county police. According to local news reports, the police handled this situation well, so I’ll tip my cap to my favorite city to rag on. Actually, I’ll take it a step further and say that the newly elected mayor, Bob O’Connor, seems like a decent guy, and I hope he can turn the financial woes of Shittsburgh around. Sure he’s a Democrat, but when you’re dealing with urban areas, you pretty much have to take what you can get.
Truth be told, not only am I hopeful that O’Connor will do a good job, but I also like the Democrat Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato. Ever since he got elected a few years ago, he’s seemed like a stand up guy and hasn’t been afraid to appear on local talk shows and debate/discuss regional issues; he's even managed to piss off some of the local Democrat machine by trying to streamline county government, a promise he made on the campaign trail. If he would run for governor, I might consider switching my registration so I could vote for him in a primary against that asshole Ed Rendell. Onorato won’t make me want to buy a house in Allegheny County, but he’s a great start.
• On the other side of police efficiency, the Florida Corrections Department put a former minor league baseball player on the payroll in a no-show job so that he could help prison guards win a softball tournament, according to investigators. If this were one of those guards/inmate contests, wouldn’t it have been easier to take away the prisoners’ weights for a month or so prior to the game?
• A bus maintenance worker in Los Angeles is calling it quits at his job – at 100 years of age. According to the article, this guy worked at this place in 1924-1928, left and returned in 1934, and has been there ever since. The scary part? No, it’s not that he was a bus driver (he wasn’t); during all this time he has missed only one day of work.
• Now this was … interesting.
If the guy cut off his member and was still going strong, I’m surprised a Taser was able to slow him down. Goddamn. Apparently the reason he sliced off his johnson was because of trouble with his girlfriend. I don’t think things got any better after that, unless wanting to be a eunuch was his original intent.
• I don’t know what to think of this chick that banged her 14-year old student. I guess what leaves a sour taste in my mouth is that if it was a male teacher who did this to a female student, we wouldn’t be hearing about how the guy has a bipolar disorder and wants to start a journalism career so “he can express himself in writing." This guy accused would be beating the feminazis back with a stick, and I wouldn’t blame these ravenous harpies for wanting his hide. The person I really feel for is this crazy chick’s husband; not only do we now know that he wasn't able to get the job done in the bedroom, but also that she preferred some kid who isn’t old enough to drive a car over him.
Before I even begin, the paternity test reference in today's entry title does NOT involve me (yet... ).
• A few entries ago I made my insta-predictions for this year’s MLB playoffs. Why has Al kkkeiper reprinted his predictions only for the division series match-ups? You’ll see.
You know, there’s a certain satisfaction with being so off target that you end up striking nearby spectators instead.
• While listening to RIGHT-WING RADIO today, there was a man-on-the-street type of deal during a top-of-the-hour newscast. A New Yorker was asked what he thought of North Korea’s alleged nuclear weapons test that took place this past weekend. And what was this genius’ comment? “It’s very disturbing. There should be treaties to stop this sort of thing.” AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I think what pisses me off the most about idiots like this is that their vote counts just the same as mine. Then again, I'm sure clueless commies think the same about me and my voting power.
• I have no idea who this chick is, but I like her. Apparently she achieved fame because she's hot and her boyfriend/husband (or whatever the hell he was) Jude Law was banging their ugly nanny or something. Nevertheless, I’m now her newest fan.
• While looking for the above article, I stumbled across this one that fired me up. Sure the kid’s not yours, but you still gotta pay. And who says that red diaper doper baby judges don’t have too much power?
• You know it’s Monopoly time at McDonalds. How? Because rednecks from nearby counties and their out-of-state friends are thinking up ways to win the grand prize without having to gain 100 lbs from eating all those greasy burgers and sugar-laden soft drinks.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura call of the day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This lady has a sister who wants the two of them to go into business together. The caller's sister wants to start up an ice cream parlor business, but the caller has some reservations about doing so. Why? Because the sister has been caught in the past stealing from a church she used to work at. How much money did she swipe? $116,000 during a two-year period. What did the sister use the money for? Gambling.
7:45 p.m.
• So I wasn’t feeling too inspired to write anything, seeing how I just spent 90 minutes out in the yard uprooting some shit. Jesus Christ, large roots are the suq. Anyway, I went over to the other place and found the following story. Leave it up to good ol’ Jesse Jackson and his poverty pimp posse to give me today’s installment of OMG BASEBALL IS A WHITE MAN’S GAME (except for all those Hispanics)~!
Hey, I got an idea. How about Rainbow PUSH open up its own scouting firm so they can show to those cracker general managers what they’re missing by not putting their resources to searching the ghetto for the next baseball great rather than, oh, I dunno, the Latin American market?
• Big Travel worse than Big Tobacco?
Wouldn’t “binge flying” be those Hollywood types hopping on private jets on a whim to zip from their 50,000 square-foot residence to their vacation home in Europe?
• I never liked Mickey Mouse, but his Muslim brother were around when I was a kid, I might have joined his club.
Awesome.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 78: Kahran Ramsus
Whenever a bunch of immature dolts get together to wax politic on a message board, things can sometimes get out of hand. Thank goodness we have mods like Kahran Ramsus to keep us hoes in line. I haven’t talked much to him during my time here, but he’s one of the people that make this place go ‘round. And when he signed up in my football contest last year, I got the pleasure of interacting with him more than when he just closes threads I help queer up.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed. (And yes, this really is her.)
From Cancer Marney:
From EricMM:
Chazz1998 recently asked me a question regarding my 6/25 entry about how some cashiers get the “deer in headlights” look when thrown a curveball by a customer. He asked, “I was just wondering whenever you handled register duties at a previous job and had a "deer in the headlights" moment, did any customer's ever give you shit about it?” Well, I was a teen-ager, and I was a male, so the answer to this is: Oh hell yes. I spent my formative years working on the front lines of entry-job hell: fast food. While in high school, I gained much wisdom from the many adventures I encountered along the way. My first pearl of insight is: Never piss off fast-food workers when it’s 15 minutes until closing time and you can’t see what they are doing with your food. Another observation is if you don’t want to have your customers throw a tantrum, put a reasonably good-looking chick at register instead of a dopey guy. Believe me, this works. Whenever the slightest thing went wrong with an order I was responsible for, even if I had nothing to do with the snafu, the customer usually acted like I had just wiped my crack with the Shroud of Turin and asked him if he would like to super-size his order.
Here's a trip down memory lane regarding this subject. I was working register for McDonald’s with another cashier when suddenly we got hit with one of the most chaotic dinner rushes I have witnessed anywhere. Not only were we at least 10 orders deep, but drive-thru was getting swamped as well. Now I’m know I have been a part of busier shifts, but what made this suck was that we were so under-staffed for this. My "deer in headlights" moment came when this family ordered something like 10 cheeseburgers that had to be made a special way, without the onions I think. Well, when my special order came up, it was grouped with a bunch of other burgers. When I went to put bag my order, I realized that a drive-thru chick who got to this pile before me didn’t notice the special order slip for my order and just took a handful of cheeseburgers, swiping several of mine. Of course this was my fault and the head of this household blurted out to me, “Well you better find which ones are our; WE PAY YOUR WAGES!”
The reason I bring this story up is because had I been in the back making these beef discs and an attractive female co-worker been dealing with the customers, she probably wouldn’t have had much, if any, criticism directed toward her. How do I know this? I’ve witnessed enough times this magic happen, especially if the person who’s doing the ordering is a man. I guess these guys think that if they act kind and cordial that somehow an attractive cashier will ask to suck his dick in the restroom or something. Now there are exceptions to this; homely looking girls manning a register are just the same as if a guy was standing there. Also, if the male customer is with a date, then this false chivalry might not happen. However, more times than not, greeting a customer who walks through the doors, or pulls up to a drive-thru window, with a pretty face will lessen the chance of them getting pissed off should their order be made wrong up or delayed.
• Oh how the mighty have fallen. At one time the Oakland/Los Angeles Raiders were the envy of the league. Now Al Davis can't even find a head coach to take the helm of his built-for-offense team. It looks like former coach Art Shell is now the front-runner, after Steelers offensive coordinator Ken Whisenhunt and Louisville head coach Bobby Petrino both pulled out of consideration.
• After giving their starting quarterback a contract extension, it looks like the Houston Texans will stick with David Carr rather than go with Vince Young or Matt Leinhart in the upcoming NFL Draft. Now the stage is set for the Texans to take running back Reggie Bush with the first overall pick, but I’m not sold on Houston making Bush their top choice. Of course Bush has all the tools to be a NFL star, but Houston already has a solid halfback in Dominack Davis. There might not be any offensive linemen in this year’s draft with superstar potential (I don’t pay much attention to college football or draft prospects), but if there were I’d trade this top pick and draft down a few spots to get a top offensive lineman or three, which would help Carr out much more than another running back. Look at what having a good offensive line did for Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who has progressed from wide-eyed rookie to Super Bowl champion in just two years. Hines Ward may catch Ben’s passes, but Alan Faneca and his fellow line mates are the ones who allow Ben to toss the ball to his receivers.
• Even if the Texans pull off a draft-day trade, the most interesting swap this year in the NFL has just taken place. Oddly enough, it didn’t involve any active players. NBC sent “Oswald the Lucky Rabbit” to ABC for broadcaster Al Michaels, so he can announce next season's Sunday Night Football games. For those that weren’t around at the time, Oswald was created in the 1920s by Walt Disney in the days before Mickey Mouse. So an award-winning 30-year broadcasting career is worth a few dozen silent cartoons? Think about that the next time you feel undervalued at your job. Actually, there were some other transactions in this deal. From the article: “As part of the deal, NBC sold ESPN cable rights to Friday coverage of the next four Ryder Cups through 2014. NBC also granted ESPN increased usage of Olympic highlights through 2012 and other NBC properties through 2011. NBC, in turn, gets expanded highlight rights to ABC and ESPN events.”
So who got the better of this deal? I'd say ABC, unless Michaels stays in the booth through 2014. And even then Oswald will still outlast Al if properly preserved.
• Speaking of being undervalued, how would it feel to lose your request for a pay increase but still get a raise worth more than $2 million? Alfonso Soriano knows. I still don’t get baseball arbitration. You signed a contract for $7.5 million/year – that’s the amount of money you get. Case closed. It’s not like you’re going to get cut by a baseball team and lose all that money. Just wait until your contract expires and seek your value on the open market.
• I don’t know much of this case, but I’m not going to cast judgment on Busta Rhymes for missing the wake of his slain bodyguard. While some might think he’s being inconsiderate, it’s possible Mr. Rhymes just doesn’t want to attract media attention to the bodyguard's family in this time of mourning. If he would have been in attendance during this somber occasion, the place would have been overrun by photographers and reporters. However, if Mr. Rhymes isn’t cooperating with police regarding this shooting, then he truly is a busta.
Blog Plugs
Since we’re all a happy community here, I figure why not plug my fellow bloggers?
• Bored fells like an old-timer when it comes to observing sports, and he opens up the vault to reminisce about his first baseball game. But like I said there, what depresses me is when I see players I remember watching retire and become managers, or, worse yet, advance up the corporate ladder from coach to general manager to president of a sports franchise.
• Alfdogg was pretty much spot-on in his guessing of the 2006 NBA All-Stars. While I can’t comment much on the NBA during the regular season, I don’t like having an All-Star game take place during the regular season. Say what you want about the Pro Bowl, but at least when that game is played, the athletes there put in a full season to deserve being called an All-Star, not half of a season.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 74: Buffybeast
She loves her hosses and hates black people. While I may not understand her infatuation with hairy beasts like Albert, I certainly can’t argue with the latter, especially since she is of the same race as those she despises most. On top of all this she serves her country, which is always to be commended. However, when hearing that she wants to bang rednecks and Commanding Officers, one has to wonder if she’s in the armed forces for her sense of duty or wanting to get white boys to stand “at attention” when they are lying down? I guess it doesn't matter in the end as long as she doesn’t get caught. I say don't ask don't tell, even if you aren't a homo.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Cancer Marney:
From EricMM:
From Black Lushus:
• So France lost to Italy in the World Cup final. Gee, that’s too bad. I think my favorite moment came when Zinedine Zidane head-butted that Italian guy and got tossed out of the match as a result. Way to cost your team the championship, Frenchie. I have no idea who this guy is, but apparently he’s really good and stuff and was going to retire after this match. Hey, when Jerome Bettis played in his final quest for a championship, he only potentially cost his team a win with the divisional playoff game against the Colts, not in the Super Bowl. The funny thing is that not only did France play the better game, but also I’m sure Zidane would have been a valuable addition to his country’s penalty-kick lineup. And while I’m on this subject, one thing I don’t like about the World Cup was the shootout determining the world champ. It’s kind of a copout to run up and down a big-ass field for two hours only to have the title game decided by a gay shootout. The NHL does it best in their postseason; if there is no winner at the end of regulation, let them play until they drop. At least this way there will be more of an effort by both teams to score a goal, rather than having each team play not-to-lose and wait for penalty kicks. And now the 2010 World Cup will be held in South Africa. I wonder what there will be more of – goals scored in the tournament or players catching the AIDS?
• As much as I think he’s a piece of shit, I have to give Pennsylvania governor Ed Rendell props; this douche sure knows how to campaign. For the first three years of his administration all this asshole has done is raise taxes and sign in pay raises. What has he done in the past week or so? He appealed to conservative Democrats, of which there are plenty of in the Keystone State, by signing legislation silencing those “God Hates Fags” idiots from protesting the funerals of our military personnel. Fast Eddie then appealed to his base constituency – those who can’t make more than $5.15/hour thanks to this horrid Bush economy – by jacking up the state’s minimum wage by $2/hour over the next year. On this matter I should note that the congress is “GOP controlled,” or at least it is allegedly. But on the bright side of things, this will probably bring about more of those self-scanning personal shoppers I’ve talked about in the past, which take the place of cashiers and other entry-level workers, who are supposed to be the beneficiaries of a minimum-wage increase. I always love hearing how you can’t support a family on minimum wage; you’re not supposed to. Before producing kids you can’t afford, can you please put a bullet in the back of your head?
kkk’s Top 103 Posters
Number 18: Bravesfan
There’s not much to say about Bravesfan. Hell, I didn’t even bother doing some fancy intro or anything. I’ve known him for a while at this place. Years back he had some pick 'em football contest and I think it eventually drove him mad. He’s lived in Hawaii, moved to the Northwest to attend college, and that’s when I stopped keeping score. He still posts under some hippie name, but he’ll always be Bravesfan to me. God, this was a lame entry. Oh well, I still put more effort into it than he did with his most recent foray into the kkk Bowl postseason.
8:30 p.m.
• Well no shit.
Come on, illegals, invade this country. And bring a few towelheads with you. All I ask is that you blow shit up in San Fran, Berkley and Greenwich Village. Oh, and State College, too. Fuck that place.
• And this goddamn chat link at the top of the page is already getting on my nerves. I've mistakenly clicked on in four times today already.
• I might vote for Mike Huckabee in the Republican primary for thisquote alone.
Sadly, with the way Republicans have been acting, voting for someone because they made a Mikey Moore fat joke actually does seem like a good reason.
6 p.m.
• So I just took 20 minutes off of my life by going to Burger King. Hell, it's no worse than the two hours I lost due to some fagtard getting into an accident on the Parkway East this afternoon. Anyway, I tried one of their new Oreo shake things. It was there, but what gave me a hard-on was the straw it came with. Yes, the straw. Seriously, this thing is f'n HUGE. You don't have to worry about sucking on some plastic hole for 20 minutes in the hopes of getting some dairy delight. This bitch will suck up Oreo chunks like it's no problem. That's all I got.
7 a.m.
• A while back I mentioned the 1997 Pirates team that captured the heart of the city by hanging out at the top of the NL Central for most of the summer. Problem was, this was a sub-.500 team that got knocked off by a much better Astros team that decided to show up late in the season. I always found it funny that this "freak show," as it was dubbed by the Shittsburgh faithful was the most exciting time for baseball in the region since 1992. How sad is that?
Well, here's what's even sadder. The local media is doing a four-part series on this magical summer of '97. I linked the last in this series, and I'm not posting any of this shit. Go find it and read it yourself.
• Oh, no. My state's climate could be more like Alabama's if we don't get our emissions under control.
So says the UNION OF CONCERNED SCIENTISTS. Who comes up these names? I want to hear the report from the Right-to-Work State of Don't-Give-a-Fuck Scientists.
• Speaking of commie institutions, here's another one.
Bilked? Here's a wild thought. Maybe if the customers had the money in their accounts they wouldn't be subject to overdraft fees and all that other shit. Jesus Christ, what is so hard about having a little cash cushion in your bank account?
If you don't have enough money to cover a 50-cent candy bar, then you shouldn't be using your debit card in the first place. Actually, I have a funny story regarding this subject. When I was 16, I was at the mall and bought the Geto Boys' "Til' Death Do Us Part." After buying this album, I wanted a Wendy's Jr. Cheeseburger from the food court. I needed to take some money out of the ATM. I couldn't. There wasn't enough in my account to make the minimum $10 cash withdrawl. It was right then that I said to myself, "WTF, I don't even have enough for a 99-cent cheeseburger?!" (Actually, I had $8-9, but you get the point.) From that moment I've been the kkk-stein you've all know and love. Of course, if I had a debit card and used that, my 99-cent cheeseburger could have costed $30 with the draft fees, but let's just say I still would have learned my lesson. And besides, I was 16 at the time, and that is the best time to learn these financial survival skills –– not when you're an adult living on your own or trying to raise a family.
I still have that Geto Boys tape, and "Bring it On" still ownz all ur azzes.
8:45 p.m.
• I was never really a Britney Spears "hater," and it's pitiful to see what she has done to herself over the last few years. I also don't get this joke by Sarah Silverman at some award show she did.
Mistakes? If memory serves she squirted both out while married. Now granted the "mistake" was getting married and not getting ready to take on the challenges of parenthood. However, to call these two kids "mistakes" is just not funny. And this is ME who's saying this!
8:30 p.m.
• So I was reading one of my favorite threads -- 1000 Reasons Why ESPN Sucks -- and found this gem from a few days ago.
Well, Ol' Mikey sure can't call Vince a RACIST~! I was already a Vince Young fan. This only solidifies it even more.
2:45 p.m.
• Figures. The one job interview I actually wouldn’t have minded a “don’t call us we’ll call you” response from called me for a second round. Do I really want to do this? Sure I hate the assholes I work with, but I love what I do. How do I know that the work I do at another place will feel just as rewarding? How do I know this place’s management won’t be as bad or worse? Jesus, this is what Stockholm Syndrome must feel like to those abducted by the Mohammads of the world. Perhaps I can make my current situation work out. Perhaps there is a light to the end of this tunnel. Perhaps…
Hmm, what’s this? A CD-Rom full of stuff that I have to work on from the idiot boss is my mail slot. It wasn't there when I left work yesterday but was in there when I got in this morning. Oh, what’s this? The creation date for these files is dated more than 10 days ago. Oh, what’s this? An e-mail from a co-worker telling me the idiot wants to know when these will be finalized because they should have been done yesterday.
...
So my second interview is for Friday at 8:30 a.m.
6:30 p.m.
• So I thought the worst was over today for my afternoon commute. I pick up Mrs. kkk in Shittsburgh, and this week all the pseudo-hippie college students come back to the big city. Traffic sucks for this week, but it wasn’t all that bad. Until today. Forty fucking minutes to move a mile or two from the Parkway to my exit. There was one positive though. Despite the several signs telling “thru traffic” to stay away from the right-hand lane, which was where the back up was occurring, there were people who stayed in the lane thinking there was congestion on the Parkway’s three lanes. It’s funny to see the faces on these motorists and the looks of disgust they give when they figure out that they spent the last 10 minutes idling for no reason because the right lane is full of college students trying to get off the Parkway. Then there are the bitches who try to cut in line. No dice, pal. That’s always fun to do, too. I’m laid-back when letting people in, but not in these instances. It’s assholes like these people which add 10 minutes to my 30-minute wait in the car. Fuck that. Thank God I'm taking Friday off so I only have to put up with this shit for one more day this week.
• Huh, Goldblum grew up around here. That's all I got.
Ha.
Is this a movie or something? I only skimmed through; the fact the article said it was going to be on Starz Cinema -- the hippie channel -- was all I needed to know. That and Starz Cinema is showing that movie thing about the Dixie Terrorists. Starz also has a "black" channel where all it shows is "Glory Road."
• Forget the fact that millions upon millions of tax money was spent on other things than bridge repairs -- it was PIGEON SHIT that did the structure in.
• I heard this on "Around the Horn" today.
OMG the NFL makes money off of beer ads/sales. So fucking what? I understand the point about fans getting drunk at games, but it has been years since I've attended a pro football game so I don't know if there is a "cut off" point where booze sales cease.
• And the point of this would be what?
I would put money on the T-Rex every time. And not only do you need to outrun the Tyrannosaurus, but you would have to do so enough to be out of chomping distance.
3 p.m.
• So this morning when my lunch cooler fell on the ground, splitting one of the yogurt cups inside, I said “fuck.” When my cell phone hit the road as I went to deal with said cooler (all while in the rain) I said “s’gonna be a bad day, tater.” I was right. I discovered this morning that the publication I produce was going to have an extra 600+ readers. After some digging, I discovered this was due to a computer error regarding some sort of update in our customer database that I was never made aware of. Oh was this a fun morning. At least when I went to explain the problem to the powers-that-be, there was nothing they could bitch about considering it was their fault we’ll be paying several hundred dollars more for this mailing than we should.
• N*gga plz.
• Remember that story a while back about these three teens getting robbed and killed in Newark, N.J. – yeah, I know, which crime; it’s Newark, after all. Turns out one of killers is an invader.
I guess he needed some quick money in-between the 20 jobs he works. They’re here in this country for jobs, after all.
10 p.m.
• Earlier today I went clothes shopping at Kohl's.The last time I bought more than one article of clothing at a time was several years ago, so I don’t do this often. However, I think I may start stopping in more often after having paid a visit to the clearance rack. I wanted to get a new interview outfit (or two), and I did at a great discount. I don’t consider myself a finicky shopper, but when it comes to clothes I really don’t like going anywhere else but Kohl’s or Sears. The brands comfortably fit and are worth the price once a sale starts up. Two dress pants, two belts, two dress shirts and a dress shirt/tie combo – about $115 total with a retail markup savings of $160. I’m sure all this actually cost about $5 to produce, but whatever. Like I said before, it fits and the quality is good.
Afterward, we got a new comforter for Mrs. kkk – at 30 percent off of course ($70 down from $100). She then asks me the question of the week, “Will this comforter be warm enough for you?” Uh, you’re the one that always bitches about being too cold. She then asked what size we should get – the king or queen. Having no clue what size we currently use, she said that the one currently on our be is a king, even though our bed is a queen size. I then opted for the king comforter. Christ, we fight over the covers enough as is – actually, it’s not much of a fight as it is her trying to push/loosen my grip on blankets during the middle of the night. I can’t imagine what carnage a smaller comforter would produce.
5 p.m.
• So yesterday I was driving home on the parkway and this truck was in front of me. The truck had some pipes/wood planks/something tied to the roof. Didn’t look too stable. Because of this I gave the truck some space between us. I was hoping this way in case something flew off at me I’d have enough time to react and get out of the way. Well, the driver behind me did the “OMG WTF” gesture. What is wrong with people. It’s not like I was going 30 mph. I was still going just over the speed limit – there was just a car length or two between me and this truck. I would have been more than happy to let this person go between us, and I would laugh when one of the planks flew threw his windshield and crushed his larynx.
7 a.m.
• So on the drive to work this morning I drove behind this care with the bumper sticker "I miss Clinton." Hey, I give credit where it's due –– it got a laugh out of me. However, I think the laugh was less about that bumper sticker than the new, catchy bumper sticker slogan I had just then thought up in my mind.
"I missed Clinton" with a sniper's scope replacing the dotted i's.
Then again, seeing how this family threatens to sue people that hang their daughter's picture up in a restaurant...
... if I actually produced this kind of ingenius hilarity and you don't read any new entries from me in a while, check for me at Ft. Marcy Park.
8:30 a.m.
• Public service announcement. If you posted at the Other Place and wondered why you can't access the site, wonder no more. It died (again). For those keeping score at home, Frigid Soul had nothing to do with this one.
Here's the new address.
9 a.m.
• Fuck blaming the cats for this fire.
You don't light candles and leave in a house with pets. The closest the kkk household has come to this sort of thing was when Dessa, as a kitten, knocked over a glass of water the better half had on the night stand. When she went to get the glass she got shocked by a power outlet. Then there was the time that Dessa, still a kitten, knocked out my plugged-in clock radio the night before my first day of work at a job. That's when I learned to invest in a battery-powered clock. Of course, years later I was late for work one day when the battery died. That's when we started regulating the kids' feedings. Now no matter what if Dessa, JJ and Max aren't fed by 5:30 a.m. one of us will be woken up. If getting into Mrs. kkk's face loudly meowing doesn't do the trick then the better half hitting me and saying, "go feed your cats" will.
8:30 p.m.
• Here's something really sad to learn about me. When I first heard this song, I thought for quite some time that Compton was in Michigan. (0:25)
Actually, that's not the half of it. I almost failed 8th grade. In order to pass that year I had to take two summer school classes at my school plus a mail-order class. But hey, at least I was able to beat Ghouls 'n Ghosts on the Sega Genesis that year.
• As much as I'm trying to keep this from being All-Palidin All-The-Time, this is getting silly.
• There is justice in this world. Long story short: The much-talked-about welfare brood with the two test-tube kids was trying to add a third beaker into the bunch. Sadly, the turkey basting didn't take and now the matriarch of this bunch called the better half last night for some solace. This is funny to me, considering when Mrs. kkk suffered a miscarriage, this welfare queen said, among other things, "Well you can have one of mine; they're driving me CrAzY~!"
But the "justice" isn't with a family that can't take care of themselves failing at adding another mouth to feed.
The justice is that during this conversation Mrs. kkk learned that the State is no longer paying for their kids' health care? Why is that? Because the toothless Mexican can get health insurance through his job as a janitor. OH NOES! Having to take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY!
SfaJack unknowingly opened up a can of worms with his comment in yesterday’s entry when he asked if I ever visited or plan to visit PNC Park. My answers? No, and fuck no. I bitched a bit about the way PNC Park was built a while back in my entry concerning local newspapers, but too bad; I’m now going to bitch some more.
The time was the early- to mid-1990s, and the Steelers and Pirates were playing at Three Rivers Stadium, a structure that when originally built in the 1970s was supposed to be the future of how stadiums were to be constructed, what with that futuristic-looking field turf and the ability for baseball AND football games to be played at the same site. Now I never had any problems with Three Rivers Stadium, but then again I didn’t have to play on that crappy Astroturf. In fact, I have quite a few memories from that place which I’ll probably share in an upcoming entry, and none of them dealt with how pretty the stadium looked.
The early- to mid-1990s was around the time when major-league franchises began extorting, err, telling their home cities that if they didn’t build them a new, state-of-the-art stadium or arena that the team would pack up and move to another city; Shittsburgh was experiencing this craze with both the Pirates and Steelers demanding new fields. These threats brought about a hippie referendum that went on the ballot in seven counties in and around the Shittsburgh area in 1997. The referendum was whether or not you approved of a one-half-of-one-percent tax to fund regional projects, which included of course new stadiums for the Pirates and Steelers (never mind the fact that a few years prior the region had implemented a tax for, [shock!] regional development, which included the area of sports facilities).
I’ve mentioned in the past that the liberal Shittsburgh Post-Gazette was all up on the nuts of the proposed tax increase, and for months this publication told us yokels how great this new tax would be, adding that if this measure wasn’t approved, the Pirates would move to a city like Raleigh, N.C., with the Steelers soon to follow. My favorite piece of media hysteria came a week or so before this vote when the Gazette ran an editorial that was supposed to be “the day after the Pirates moved to North Carolina,” where we got to learn of what a huge mistake all “no” voters were making. It was great fun to watch the voter backlash when this referendum crashed and burned in every county it was voted on. In the months leading up to this vote, we were constantly told how there was no “Plan B;” that this vote was “all or nothing” and would “deicide the future of (S)hittsburgh for years to come.” Oddly enough, after this vote, the local government found other ways of funding these stadiums. What was this measure called? Why, it was called “Plan B!”
Besides the pro-tax media acting like Chicken Little, the Pirates were also whining about the condition of Three Rivers Stadium, saying that with a sub par stadium they couldn’t financially compete with Major League Baseball’s bigger-market teams. The Pirates said that with a lack of luxury boxes, among other cash streams not available to them thanks to a crappy stadium, they couldn’t keep players like Barry Bonds and Bobby Bonilla, who at the time had both recently left for greener pastures. Why, if a new stadium was built, then the Pirates could be competitive again!
So against the will of the voters, the Pirates and Steelers got their new stadiums. And to this day I have refused to set foot in PNC Park or Heinz Field. Now considering people will their waiting list number for season tickets to their next of kin, I think my self-imposed boycott of Heinz Field games won’t be much of a problem. The Pirates are another matter. It’s been almost 10 years since the Pirates moved into PNC Park, and where are they now? For this team a good season is not losing 95 games. For this team a high payroll is more than $50 million. In fact, the Pirates are making a big deal because they increased their payroll this year, which makes them the fourth-lowest payroll in the big leagues. Sorry, but I refuse to pay major-league prices for a minor-league product. It’s like buying a leather recliner, a big-screen television with surround sound and watching a movie on a 30 year-old VHS tape. I must admit though that one time I almost caved into going to this den of evil, but that’s because my one friend from out of town was coming for a visit and expressed interested in attending a Pirate game. Fortunately, they were on the road for that week. The things I do for my friends.
Ironically, there is now talk of building a new arena for the Penguins, and the mood is quite different from back in the mid-‘90s. It’s funny because out of the three new structures: Heinz Field, PNC Park and a new arena, the arena would probably get the most use year-round. Yet politicians are dragging their feet regarding this issue. There’s currently some debate going on about having soon-to-be casino slots revenue go to pay for some costs of building a new arena, but that’s a whole other topic for a whole other blog entry. And despite the Penguins seriously contemplating moving to another city, there is a blip of the same media panic-mongering, if any at all.
Thanks, Sfa, for getting me inspired enough to bitch about the most expensive minor-league baseball stadium in America.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 77: Sass
Much like Kahran Ramsus, I always found Sass, during his time as a mod, to be a voice of reason in many instances. Not only has he provided “the final word(s)” on a number of occasions regarding the banning of someone or explaining why mods took a specific course of action on some TSM “heated issue,” but also if anyone disagreed with him I’m sure Sass could squash that poster like a bug, what with him being a power-lifting hoss and all. I haven’t seen him around as of late, but having a normal life can do that to someone.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed. (And yes, this really is her.)
From EricMM:
From SFAJack:
From Cancer Marney:
• One of the big stories in the Shittsburgh area regarding our beloved Pirates is that this team has not one but TWO representatives playing in the upcoming All-Star game. Not only is Jason Bay going to be a starter for the National League, but there’s another player who is arguably more valuable to this team (which isn't saying much considering he's playing on a 28-55 club, but I digress), mostly because he can play several positions in the infield and has had a good year at the plate so far. He is Freddy Sanchez. Now locally we have been encouraged to vote for Sanchez; however, he isn’t even on the All-Star ballot. Thankfully, for Freddy’s sake, he has been named as a reservist. Now although the Pirates may be in last place and have the worst record in the majors (a sweep by the Royals can do that to you), they will have a pair of all-stars for the first time since 2000. This truly is the all-star season the team promised its fans during spring training.
• The headline to this story reads: “Crack found in Discovery external tank insulation.” Those black astronauts just can’t go one mission without having a fix. Then again, can you blame them for wanting to join the space program; stealing in order to pawn a $10,000 toilet seat has got to be a better investment than breaking into your neighbor’s apartment and taking his television set and silverware.
• So yesterday was movie night in the kkk household. From our DVD collection, the better half selected Ghostbusters, a film I always liked but never appreciated until I got older. As I kid you couldn’t go wrong with enjoying Slimer or watching Rick Moranis run away from that gargoyle-dog-thing. However, as I matured got older I started to catch onto the more adult-oriented humor, especially the line, “I’ve worked in the private sector. They expect results.” In addition, I didn’t realize how much I resembled Peter Venkmen’s character; I’m still trying to figure out whether this is a good or bad thing.
After Ghostbusters I got to pick a movie, and I went one of my new favorites. Disney has had tremendous success with its Pixar films, and I’ve enjoyed for the most part the ones I have seen (Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo and Toy Story). However, my favorite by far has to be The Incredibles. Sure the Parr family is a rip-off of the Fantastic Four, but that doesn’t matter. When this movie first came out, it made hundreds of millions of dollars at the box office. I generally steer clear of going to theaters, and if a film has had plenty of success, by the time the movie comes out on DVD and I watch it I usually feel a bit under-whelmed. The Incredibles are the exception to this rule. I got the DVD when it first came out because the better half usually loves Pixar films. However, after we watched this together I ended up enjoying this film hand over fist while Mrs. kkk gave it a “thumbs in the middle.” What made the movie for me were some of the side characters and their voices, from Jason Lee’s Syndrome to Wallace Shawn’s Gilbert Huph (the asshole boss, also known as the bald “inconceivable” evil genius of Princess Bride fame). In addition, the whole “suing” super heroes concept was clever, along with the “when ‘everybody’ is called exceptional, that means nobody is” message. In my opinion, this movie deserves every dollar it earns.
10:45 p.m.
• My county makes me so proud sometimes.
I noticed when posting this image that its link reads:
www.pittsburghlive.com/photos/2007-12-08/1209-redneck1-a.jpg
• So I mentioned a while back about my recent job interviews. Let me recap.
Had two job interviews on November 27. Both went well. Had the second interview to Job A on December 6. Now what was funny about this one is that the first interview with this place dealt with the Human Resource person, who was doing everything in her power to convince me that her place was a great place to work at. She also said that she wanted me back for a second meeting. After thinking about this for a day (this job wouldn't be the same thing as I'm doing now), I agreed and met up with my would-be boss on 12/6. Everything that this poor HR person did to build this job up was torn down by my new interviewer. First off, he was 20 minutes late. OK. That’s understandable. Secondly, he hadn’t even bothered to look over my resume until the actual interview. Look, if this was a big corporation I could understand. However, there aren’t that many people in his department to oversee. Sorry, but I found that very unprofessional. However, what made it even worse was that he was trying to go down the “overqualified” route, which made me laugh because when he brought up workplace scenarios that he was hoping the ideal candidate would be able to excel in I gave real-life ordeals I’ve gone through that dealt with the exact same topic. As I left this place I thought, “I’d probably choose this place over the shit hole I work at now, but Job B just got the inside track.” I had the second interview to Job B on Friday, and I completely brought down the house. Later that afternoon I got the offer. There’s a few things that need to be ironed out, but nothing that would make me stay where I am now. (“Ironed out” isn’t the right term. Wanting some specifics answered due to the sodomy I’ve experienced at my current place of employment would be more accurate.)
Due to some paperwork that needs to be filed and approved, I’ll be starting January 2 or 3. Of course, there’s always the chance everything will fall through. However, this is unlikely, and this is coming from one paranoid mo’ fo’. All I have to say is that this will probably be the best three weeks of work I’ve had in quite some time.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 93: Smues
Much like Sideburnious, Smues is one of those posters I don't talk with much, but he seems like a good enough guy. Hey, he makes fun of Barry Bonds and ESPN, along with Mikey Moore. You can't win me over any more than goofing on those three subjects. Well, maybe you could if you also pimped Gauntlet Legends. My n*gga.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Porter:
• Oh Chirst, there’s a reason I don’t go grocery shopping on Sundays, and I re-discovered why. I think the worst part wasn’t the screaming children but rather the people who shop right after church and they have way too much perfume on. Not even the coffee aisle, with that sweet aroma, was enough to counter this old lady and her scent o’ death. That’s the last time I deviate from my normal routine of going grocery shopping Tuesday after work.
• And while I was out grocery shopping, the better half, her dad and her brother came over to do something to our front yard. (When the better half does any kind of home improvement project, my only rule is to let me know if the property catches on fire and I have leave the hosue; otherwise, I just leave her alone.) Whenever it rains water seeps down into our fruit cellar, resulting in puddles being formed all over the floor in this little room where we mostly store food, cleaning products and cooking devices. It’s not like the basement is going to flood anytime soon, but it’s annoying to have to watch where you step when bringing up food in the pantry upstairs. They dug up the front yard and put in some pipe, which will now send the water that is destined for the basement out onto the street. Honestly, I don’t know what we’d do without Mrs. kkk’s brother. He’s a mechanic by trade, and a mighty good one, too. Not only that, but he’s pretty much everything in a man that I am not. He’s excellent with tools, knows how to fix just about anything under the sun, and goes hunting and boating. In other words, he’s a real man’s man while I am, well, you should know that answer by now.
It’s funny because when I first started dating the better half, her brother didn’t like me for the longest time. I think it took six years or so to finally warm up to me. I don’t fault him; after all, I was fucking his baby sister. He and his wife (who is also quite successful in her professional career) have a nine-year-old son and a seven-year-old daughter, and for some reason they both adore me. Don’t ask why because their parents can’t figure this one out either. While the brother-in-law helps us out with a number of things like the aforementioned drainage system, we try to return the favor, mostly by baby-sitting their kids or helping them move from one house to another. However, there was one instance where I was the hero of the day, and it took place last Christmas. Every December 25 we head on over to the brother-in-law’s place, along with the rest of the immediate family, and celebrate Christmas there. Hey, as long as I don’t have to play host I’ll gladly eat someone else’s food and let them clean up. Well this past holiday, they had some people from out of state over, and they had a son about the same age as my niece-in-law. Turns out all three of them wanted to play Playstation, particularly the Looney Toones Space Race Game a certain uncle bought for them (see my April 22 entry for more information about this story). As my brother-in-law tried to get the game working, he was having an unsuccessful time at it and had his daughter bring me in to remedy the problem. After hitting the green reset button, everything worked fine, and the three kids started jumping up and down in glee saying, “Uncle kkk fixed the Playstation.” As my brother-in-law and I returned to the living room I remarked, “With all the things you build and fix for your kids and us, I get the most praise for turning on their video game system.” He laughed. After all, he may be able to fix a car but I know how to make the Playstation work.
1 p.m.
• I have joked in the past that a baby who survives a Planned Parenthood vacuum is a failed abortion. Wow, was I right.
You know, you could always put the kid up for adoption, you dumb bitch. And now that this has gone public, I can't wait until this kid heads off to school. The schoolyard teasing will be the stuff of legend. I wonder if she at least got her money back from this procedure?
9 a.m.
• This stuff just writes itself.
Maybe OJ's sperm would move quicker if a woman's egg was a bucket of fried ch... Nah, way too easy.
7 a.m.
• You know what sucks about being an adult (in age, if not in mind)? All those ... responsibilities. On Monday, the better half's father went to the hospital because he felt dizzy and was throwing up early that morning. He stayed overnight and yesterday Mrs. kkk and I paid him a visit. When we were there a doctor said that his tests came back fine (for an obese, 60-something smoker) and that he would be free to go. Of course, this meant we had to wait more than an hour for someone else to give him a piece of paper that would sign him out. After taking him home, it was time to do our Tuesday grocery shopping. When the last item was stocked in the fruit celler, it was 10 p.m. I then thought, "Yay, now I get to go back to work in eight hours." Oh well. It could be worse. I could have children.
• Oh boy, my local morning RIGHT-WING RADIO guy just said, "we'll talk more about the Scooter Libby trial in the next hour." Guess I'll be listening to music until Boortz comes on in 90 minutes.
7 p.m.
• If you haven’t read today’s comment section, it looks like one of Vern’s cats will probably be passing away soon. It’s always a sad feeling when one of your pets dies, especially if he/she/it has been part of your life for a long time. Even though my three aren’t quite ready for the old feline's home, they are starting to get up there in age. Dessa is 8, JJ is 7. And while Max is probably only 4 or 5 years old, he has a few conditions that will probably shorten his life. As I’ve said before, back in 2004 our household had one kitty by the name of Shadow who died after we took him in as a stray just three years prior. While he was just with us for only a short time, he more than made his fair share of memories in our household, including this one I talked about last year.
And yes, the guy Shadow clawed up is the same “Mr. Sterile” that’s in line for a promotion to full-time janitor.
With all that being said, here are some pics of Shadow, which were taken when we lived in Ohio.
The last image when Shadow is telling JJ to step off is probably my favorite one of him, and it brings to mind a funny story. When we first moved back to Pennsylvania, we rented a duplex from my hero who employs his daughter at a shit wage and charges her rent for living in his basement apartment. Our duplex had a pretty large unfinished basement, and this was a popular hangout for Dessa, JJ and Shadow. JJ would always go down there and cry, which meant he wanted some company from his little brother. Sure enough, within seconds, Shadow would head on down to their clubhouse. Of course, many times they would end up wrestling down there, and let's just say JJ is more a lover than a fighter, which is funny because he is quite powerful (especially when he's trying to get away during his bathtime). Pretty soon the better half and I would hear JJ shrieking and screaming from the basement, and when we’d make our way downstairs JJ and Shadow would be in a stand-off with both tails puffed out and mounds of gray (read: JJ’s) fur on the floor. Dessa, of course, would have to see what was going on, and this always resulted in more growling/hissing (Dessa has never cared much for her brothers, no matter who they were). After a few squirts of a water bottle, everyone would scatter like roaches from light. Of course, minutes later JJ would go back down in the basement and start crying once again. And sure enough, we’d then see Shadow scamper across the living room on his way back to their very own Fight Club.
Hope this helps, Vern.
11 a.m.
• Well I hope they bring this asshole to justice.
The GOVERNOR was probably not wearing his seat belt?! I certainly hope he has to pay the fine associated with this intentional law-breaking. Click-it or Ticket, buddy. It's bad enough the esteemed governor of my state takes my nickname of "Fast Eddie" to a whole new level...
... and now we have another official wanting us to do as they say and not as they do.
9:45 p.m.
• Sonofabitch. I donated $10 for some fundraiser helping homeless animals, and this raffle was to use numbers from yesterday's "Big 4" state lottery. Two of my eight raffle numbers had "3" and "4" matching up, but that's it. Boo-urns.
• He wasn't checking out child porn. He was ... scouting.
• My God is the lip-synching for "Monday Night Football" terrible. The players introducing their teammates is so off.
1 p.m.
• Yeah, but we'll ask him the TUFF QUESTIONS!
Good God what a joke. I can only pray that this wacko is just scouting out the best spot in America to let off a nuke. Hey, Ahmad-whatever, there's some primo real estate over in Berkley if you're interested.
• Well, Toyota, expect to get a better market share after this gets played out.
5:30 p.m.
• This entry is dedicated to SFAJack, who is dealing with a hurricane named Ike. Didn't George W. Bush get the memo that you voted for him? If so, I'm sure he would have steered this path of destruction toward a bluer part of the state.
You've commented on the subject of your "welcomed guests to Houston" before, so I thought you might like this.
6 p.m.
• To keep up with the "SFA Jack/Texas/Underclass" theme, here's a blast from the past from Mr. Jack's state that I'm sure makes him proud.
Don't forget the remix/radio version/whatever the hell this is supposed to be. I'm still trying to figure out why this song is called "Bald Head Gals" when the chorus contains the more explicit word. Oh well, at least the part with the horse got a chuckle out of me.
Finally, to complete today's Willie Dee trifecta, this one (0:30) goes out to Whoppi Goldberg, who, if McCain gets elected, will be first to go up on the slave auctioning block.
You know, I remember back in '04 Cameron Diaz said that if you think rape should be legal then don't vote. Slaves, rape: when is all of the good stuff really going to happen? Keep your tax cuts, just let me stick my weiner in Diaz's mouth. No, I don't want a blow job; I'm just tired of hearing her voice.
6:15 p.m.
• OK, this is why I love rap. If you listened to the third song in the Willie Dee collection above you would have noticed there was a female saying she had a pussy the size of Bolivia. Well, Willie Dee's "Controversy" album was released in 1989. Just three years later, Willie D (guess the "ee" fared poorly in the focus groups), released the following...
And WTF?
The high price is more than $100.
Oh, and here is the song that Choice did which caused Mr. D's scorn.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 49: Mole
Some people think he’s an idiot, among other things, but he’s OK in my book. It’s strange, though, because I generally despise the “college lifestyle” and believe most people who engage in it need to be taken out to an alley and shot. However, even with Mole’s stories of college hijinks, I consider him an exception to this rule I have regarding those out of high school but not yet in the real world. I don’t know why this is – perhaps because, except for a more-than-manageable school loan, I no longer have my wallet in the meat-grinder that is academia. Also, since he’s now paying for part of the TSM bill, I can rest assured that even if he has a medical condition he’ll put more serious things, such as DVD collections and our Internet message-boarding experience, over his own personal welfare.
And now a word or five from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed.
From Black Lushus:
From EricMM:
From Carnival:
From SFA Jack:
From Cancer Marney:
• Well today was fun. I took today and Friday off from work, as did the better half, and after sleeping in until 10 a.m. we headed out to some farm to get this year’s pumpkins for the Halloween season. Mrs. kkk always gets one pumpkin for every cat we own, which means we’ll be wasting money on three of them, much like we have each of the last six years. Well, that just means more seeds for me to eat after all the guts are taken out of each pumpkin. I have no idea why the better half likes getting pumpkins at this place, which is called Schramm’s Market, but whatever; I’m just along for the ride.
When we pulled into Schramm’s, the thought of romping about in a pumpkin patch wasn’t too appealing to me, considering I’m in the final stages of getting over my first cold of the season. But then when we pulled in and I saw all the political signs that these people had on their property endorsing the Party of Liberty, Freedom and the oppression of minorities, women and the poor, I took solace in knowing that today’s pumpkin purchases were going to a good cause.
But this isn’t where the story ends. We made a few other stops today, and one of them was to a shopping center with a grocery store (Giant Eagle) that is part of the chain I do my shopping at. Since Giant Eagle’s weekly specials start on Thursdays, I decided to stop in and pick up some Pepsi products because this week they are on sale. I went to the grocery store, and Mrs. kkk went to another store to buy candles for the future Jack-o-Lanterns. I got my two 24-packs, one a Diet Pepsi and the other a Diet Mountain Dew (damn you Diet Mountain Dew – this shit is like crack). There was one problem. There was only one Dew in stock, and its side flap was half open. Because there’s no way I’m about to let a discounted Diet Dew slip through my fingers, I carried it sideways, which meant I couldn’t use the top-of-carton handle.
I got to the checkout line and placed the Pepsi case normal side up. I then placed the Dew case on its side so the opening on this pack wouldn’t be a problem. I told the bitchy middle-aged cashier that I had the Dew case on its side due to its one flap being half-way opened; I even pointed to this flap and showed her the opening. She looked at me as if I was some retard who forgot to put on his bicycle helmet. Seconds later she grabbed the Dew cube and set it up straight. At that moment the partial opening turned into a full chasm and about a dozen cans came crashing out. I took a step back and clapped my hands as she spent the next minute or two rounding up all the cans that were scattered over her workstation. I get that customers are stupid – I’ve even dealt with at least a few hundred of them during my cashier days – but not all of us are out to make your job a living hell, bitch. If I really wanted to be a prick, I would have opened a can or two that rolled around just to mess up her counter, but I’m not wasting a single drop of this yellow carbonated goodness on someone who looks like life is already doing a perfectly good job of pissing all over her.
The drive home was uneventful, although I got a laugh from of the one sign I read on some local business’ marquee: “Liberalism is a Mental Disorder. Vote Republican.” Awesome. Someone listens to Savage. Oh, and there was this other sign at a local eatery that read, “Last Diner Before the Turnpike.” (A toll road, for those scoring at home.) A few miles later there was this redneck bar with the following on its marquee, “Last Beer Before the Turnpike.” Sometimes this region amazes even me.
7:15 p.m.
• For the last few weeks, I’ve been on a “Cops” kick. I guess because the white-trash tales regarding the crackwhore sister-in-law and her out-of-control daughter have recently come to a halt, I need to go elsewhere for my fix. I remember years ago this comedian had a bit about someone he knew that watched this show and tried to guess the race of the perp before he or she showed up on television. Sadly, that’s what I’m doing now, and I’m pretty good at it. In fact, I now have to add another twist to this game: if the perp is white, will he (or she!) be wearing a shirt? And if the perp is black, I try to understand at least half of what the crack head/car thief/druggie says during his 15 minutes of fame on television. And just why am I watching this show? About 45 minutes ago I got done viewing an episode where two girls in a trailer park got into a fight. According to the witnesses, one parent watched the scuffle. But when the other kid’s parent came out to see what was going on, Parent 1 (allegedly) threw a beer at Parent 2. As the po-pos were trying to figure out what was going on, they spoke with Parent 2, who admitted to letting her kid punch the other kid, saying, “This is a trailer park. It’s what they do.”
Oh, but it got better. The next segment had two cops pull up to a house where a 7-year-old locked his mom out of their residence. To make matters better, this brat was making faces by the window when the officers were telling him to let his mom back in the house. The cops eventually broke the front door and the kid hid under a bed. Once he was dragged out to the living, he began screaming and crying. He was also in nothing but his underwear.
• For as much as I hate mowing the lawn, there is one thing I despise more. Raking leaves. There is a tree in my backyard that dumps its load every November/December and I have to rake this shit up. Last year I was waiting for this annual ritual to begin, and of course the day in which all the leaves end up on the ground the better half and I were in the midst of a flu bout. Once I got over this sickness, I slept on my back in an odd way and woke up one morning with so much pain I couldn’t bend over. After a week or two when this condition went away it began to constantly rain or snow. I figured I’ll just rake this shit up come spring. It couldn’t be that bad, right? Wrong. Over the last last two days I’ve done four full leaf bags of these dried-up pieces of shit and I got a few good bags left scattered on my property. God only knows what the neighbors think because I’m sure some of my mess went onto their yard. Then again, they really don’t do much in the realm of lawn preservation, so I’m sure any “outrage” directed at me would be just for show. However, it’s the principle of it all, and I do feel like a schmuck about this mishap. Let’s just say lesson learned. I could have cancer with tubes sticking out of every body part and I’ll still rake these leaves once they fall from that damn tree.
• The MLB season hasn't even started yet and I have to listen to this shit already.
OK, time to play “Who is more diverse?” Is it the league with
60 percent of one race
29 percent of another race
8.5 percent of another race, and
2.5 percent of another;
Or is it the league with
77 percent of one race
21 percent of another race, and
2 percent of other races;
Or is it the league with
69 percent of one race, and
31 percent of another race, plus probably a percentage or two of other races.
If you guessed the first sport, you would be selecting Major League Baseball. Sport number two is the NBA, and sport number three is the NFL. So while the PC bitches at ESPN and other national sports media figureheads gnaw on their fingernails trying to figure out how to bring more black people into America’s National Pastime, I’m doing my best to get more of “my people” those valued starting NFL cornerback slots. But I’ll throw MLB a bone on this one. You want more blacks in your game? Promote the fact being able to steal in your contests is a good thing.
6:45 p.m.
• OK, so the out-of-control niece-in-law is leaving her grandmother’s crib because … well, I don’t know exactly why. She doesn’t pay rent. Doesn’t pay bills. Doesn’t do laundry. Doesn’t cook. Oh, I remember. Wait a minute, no I don’t. She’s getting a two-bedroom apartment with some other late teen/early 20ish chick who already has two kids from two different daddies. This will end nicely, and I can’t wait.
But the story gets better. My crack-whore sister-in-law? The one who squirted out the out-of-control niece 20 years ago? Well, she just won her Social Security Disability case, so now not only will she be getting a steady paycheck, but also she’ll be receiving back “pay” from when she began applying several years ago. How much is she getting, you ask.
$40,000.
That’s right. FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.
This doesn’t surprise me. Seriously, what’s the point in trying to get ahead in life when all you have to do is get drunk every night and get addicted to any kind of drug that can be smoked, swallowed or injected? Whenever I hear liberals whine about spending cuts that “hurt the poor,” I say “good.” Remember, when you start to feel bad about EEEEEVIL Republicans wanting to take food from the mouths of innocent children and single mothers, think about my crack-whore sister-in-law and about how she “earned” $40k just for contracting hepatitis through dirty heroin needles. Yep, that’s where your tax money is going – not down the drain, but rather into her vein.
What clinched her disability was a liver biopsy which showed that on a scale from 1 to 4, with 1 being the most critical liver state and 4 being a healthy liver, she scored a 1. So instead of perusing the classifieds trying to get another job that pays a bit more than your current place of employment, instead of going back to school to get an advanced degree in hopes of landing a better-paying job, just go to the nearest crack house and fuck your body up beyond belief through your own irresponsible choices. Only then will you get to live the American dream – sitting at home with free health care and a steady paycheck.
1 p.m.
• OK, I got one of these what-were-you-doing-during-the-1980s and decided to give it a go. These answers will be the first thing that comes to mind. I noticed while copying and pasting the questions that there are some “favorites” listed. My first thought will be my “favorite” during the time. So if I'm asked about my “favorite 1980s athlete,” it would be my thought during the 1980s, not my “current-day” favorite athlete from the 1980s.
remember when.....
1.How old were you in 1980?
4-5
2. How old were you in 1989?
13-14
3. Were you a Toys R' Us kid?
Not until the local Children's Palace went under
4. Did you watch Transformers?
Not really
5. Did you see E.T. on the big screen?
I think so
6. Did you own a Lite Bright?
I think so
7. Who is your Favorite Golden Girl?
Sofia
8. When someone says " Who you gonna call? " You think?
Ghosbusters
9. What was your favorite toy?
Star Wars action figures or dinosaur figures. I got a few miles out of my Bigwheel, too. That was all before video games, of course.
10. Did you have a Pogo Ball?
No
11. Did you listen to New Kids on the Block?
No
12. What New Kid did you have a crush on?
None
13. Did you play M.A.S.H.?
You could “play” it?
14. Did you watch The Care Bears?
No
15. Did you have Jelly bracelets?
The hell are these questions?
16. Did you have a charm necklace and/or bracelet?
Fuck no
17. Did you own a glo-worm?
No
18. Did you ever own a slap bracelet?
No
19. The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles?
Neither -- if forced to choose, The Breakfast Club
20. Did you have a crazy hair style?
No (only when I woke up in the morning before taking a shower)
21. What was your first bike?
A shitty used bike with faggy handlebars I got for $20. Years later I got a Huffy BMX.
22. Name one thing you still own from your childhood?
Oh Christ. My video games, sports cards, many of my action figures and cars. All are boxed up. I am meaning to one day re-organize my card collection, and I’m probably just going to have kkk Jr. play with my old stuff.
23. Did you have a Cabbage Patch Kid?
No
24. Did you dress like Madonna?
No
25. Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake?
Strawberry shortcake, if only for the food factor
26. Did you watch Miami Vice?
No, but I had the soundtrack
27. Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes?
No
28. Did you own a Trapper Keeper?
Yes
29. Atari or Nintendo?
Atari, then Sega
30. Did you play Pac-Man?
Hell yeah
31. Which was better: Jem and The Holograms or Barbie and The Rockers!?
Jem. There was a kid in school named “James” and we goofed on him with the help of said cartoon.
32. He-Man or She-Ra?
He-Man.
33. What movie scared you the most?
Wow. I can’t think of one. I know I always used to watch this weekly “Saturday Nightmares” movie-of-the-week thing and just about every one of those freaked me out in some way. Can’t remember any of the names though.
34. Did you try to dance like Michael Jackson?
(Sigh) Yes.
35. G.I. Joe cartoon or comics?
Cartoon, although I was never a big G.I. Joe fan.
36. Favorite 80's movie?
Ghostbusters, although Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade popped into my head later.
37. Most nostalgic 80's movie?
Hmmm, I’d have to say “Ghostbusters” again. Just the memories of where I used to watch that film. Then again, I remember watching “Hunt for Red October” in the theater with people SMOKING around me. Oh, how could I have been so stupid? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Wait, were they in the 1980? Shit. Off by one year.
38. 3-2-1 Contact or Reading Rainbow?
Huh? I remember Picture Pages -- does that count?
39. Muppet Movie of the 80's:
Not a Muppets fan.
40. Favorite 80's sports dynasty?
You probably can’t call the Pistons of the late 1980s-early 1990s a “dynasty,” so I’d have to go with the Boston Celtics (if you could call them such a thing, too). Didn’t like the 49ers because they were getting up there with the beloved “Stillers” of the 1970s in Super Bowl wins. Didn’t really follow basketball but I knew who Larry Bird was, so yay.
41. Best Sitcom?
The Cosby show with the “new” Mamma’s Family a close second.
42. Favorite WWF Wrestler of the 80's?
Sgt. Slaughter, with that KoKo B-Ware/Owen Hart tag team an afterthought.
12:15 p.m.
• I need to check the last few weeks of my kkk Bowl matchups to see if I'm winning any of these contests.
(3.5) Cleveland @ Cincinnati. Won't be as high-scoring as the last affair, but I'm hoping the Browns play like the playoffs are at stake.
(9.5) Green Bay @ Chicago. I wasn't sure about this one. I'm hoping the Bears defense is so pissed off by the offensive unit that they mail this one in.
Houston @ Indianapolis (7.5). Oakland lost by a touchdown last week. I'm hoping the Texans can do the same.
Kansas City @ Detroit (4.5). Sure they are in a free-fall, but the Lions can win this one, can't they?
Miami @ New England (100) (22.5). You're on a roll, Miami. Lose by just three touchdowns.
(3.5) N.Y. Giants @ Buffalo. I don't think Buffalo will mail this one in, even though they are out of the playoff race.
Oakland @ Jacksonville (13.5). Jacksonville will win by 13. I hope.
Philadelphia @ New Orleans (3.5). I heard the Saints are sill in the wild-card hunt. No shit.
Washington @ Minnesota (6.5). Here's hoping the Vikings win by 4. Also, I guess they are now the NFC team analysts are saying, "Boy I sure wouldn't want to meet them in the playoffs." Christ I hate that line. I feel the need to bitch about this cliche again, but maybe some other time.
Atlanta @ Arizona (10.5). Hmm, I'm getting second thoughts about this one. No. Keep it as is.
Baltimore @ Seattle (10.5). Seattle will win, but not in double digits.
N.Y. Jets @ Tennessee (8.5). That spread seems too big for me.
(6.5) Tampa Bay @ San Francisco. I'm gettng second thoughts about this one, too. Shit.
Denver @ San Diego (8.5). I'm curious to see how the Chargers play in the postseason.
