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On 2006. Marvin. New Year's. Classic Game and Goals.

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Hawk 34

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I was supposed to do a “2006: Year in Review” for wrestling and my personal life but I figured I covered most of it in the blog over the year and my thoughts on the year in wrestling doesn’t interest anyone enough and I made my opinion known in the TSM Awards anyways.

 

2006 was good, for all the feelings of uncertainty it started with, I came out okay. I did well at school, I held a pair of good paying jobs over the year and I even managed to have a couple good relationships. Surprising considering the turbulence that 2005 offered but I fulfilled a childhood crush and even though it was short lived, it was good while it lasted. Later that year, I met a really great girl. Quite possibly the “right one”. It’s early, just four months into it but I get a good feeling with this one, a different feeling then the past ashes of love. My sister got married and that was very good to see. My entire family has been well and really, that’s pretty important to know.

 

The one thing that truly hasn’t altered despite my good fortune this year was the tendency to slip into these periodic waves of depression, shyness or just plain boredom. Lacking focus and ambition. I figure it’s a common sentiment that many here share.

 

Last night, I rang in the new year at a small intimate party with some of Allison’s friends and while it wasn’t bad, I was just in one of those moods again and she wasn’t particularly happy about it. I took her home and I only slept a couple hours. I woke up about 5:30 and haven’t slept since.

 

I took in this day off by going to an early movie at the AMC to see The Pursuit Of Happyness. Maybe not the best movie to watch while in a depressed funk but it was alright. Although I wondered why I bothered to come to the movies at 10:30 in the morning, alone. It was virtually empty, aside from a pair of older couples there for the cheap ticket. Allison, is a desk clerk at a hotel and it’s a busy day for her. I didn’t bother to check in with her today and either did she.

 

I intended to spend this day by watching some movies I got over the holiday break but I didn’t manage that. I spent it primarily here, on AIM and other message boards with a swirl of empty nothingness around me. I watched college football games involving teams that I had no connection nor interest in. I watched another pointless and idiotic episode of Raw, asking “why do I bother?” knowing full well, I’ll be back next week.

 

The main event for tonight was the classic football game for the ages. Something I wasn’t expecting but for 1 hour and 30 minutes, I was sucked in. The finish was so improbable that I’m still questioning if it really happened, but it did. A series of plays that’ll go down in history as the most incredible and shocking ever kept myself and the nation on its toes. Oklahoma nabs the INT and scores the td and with three attempts, manage to tie the game. With just 50 seconds left, Boise State starts the miracle. Who saw it coming? No one. They pulled off the Hook and Ladder on a 4th and 18. This play has probably worked 20 times in the history of football but if you ask me, tonight might as well been the first time. A stunner. Then Oklahoma sticks a dagger in the heart with an instant TD run by Peterson. Left with nothing to hold onto but the faint hope slipping against disappointment and somehow, they pulled it off once again on a 4th down and instead of getting the easy yard they needed, they went for it and nabbed the TD. Gotta kick the FG. Get another OT. Fuck that. Boise State went for it with the biggest balls ever. On a statue of liberty, another improbable play, they nail the fucking 2pt and win and just to top it off, it ends with the Hollywood finish of a marriage proposal. The most incredulous finish ever. I’ll remember this one for years.

 

In the process of this event, in the thread about the game, Marvin struck again. Marvin, in the midst of something implausible found the ability to insert his typical brand of banality and ham-fisted arguments.

 

I get on Marvin a lot, as do many others here. Do I hate Marvin? No. He can be a good enough guy from time to time although those moments are fleeting by the moment as his fervent worship for Baltimore sports reaches new levels. You can’t fault him for that. That is how some people are wired. What gets me about Marvin is that I’m disappointed in him by his actions. This place, as fucked up as it really is, is somehow a family and Marvin is our nutcase bastard cousin. He could be something better. Hell, we all could but especially him. He claims he expected to be the next “WP” and it appears he has accomplished that and I find that ridiculous. Maybe 2007 can change for him. It did for me after-all, in 2006. I might hope the best for him but I’ll keep egging him on because he needs it.

 

I don’t necessarily believe in resolutions all that much but rather just believe in setting goals. There is a difference between dreams and goals. One is false hope and the other is effort. I’m not 17 anymore. Fate doesn’t exist. You gotta get what you want by getting it. Generic preachy philosophy but it’s accurate.

 

If I do have any “goals” for 2007, these would be it

 

1). Escape this depression. I have no reason to be downtrodden, I have more then I could ever hope for and yet, I risk losing it because of this fear or awkwardness.

 

2). I turn 21 in a few weeks. I always thought by this point in life, I’d have an idea of where I’m going but it’s not happening. I have to find out what I really want in life for myself. Is this it? I’m glad to be a skilled enough person as a mechanic or office worker, there’s always a demand for those types of roles in society but is it what I want? Then again, how many of us ever actually get the thing we want. How the hell do you get it when you can’t even identify it.

 

3). Get new hobbies. Currently and for the past many years, those hobbies have been wrestling, working on cars or message boarding. I used to read constantly but this was before sports took a hold of me and I stopped. I got over 1,000 books in my office (which is really just my sister’s old room where I store my old shit). I am a creative writing major and Im constantly urged by professors in the department to pursue that avenue deeper and I think about it but wonder if my heart would really be into enough to really make it work.

 

4). Get new friends. Allison’s friends are good people but they aren’t my friends. I had a group of friends that I once honestly believed would stick around for years but it’s all gone away. An AIM conversation is becoming a rarity now. I can be friendly but trusting people is another matter in itself.

 

2007 could be anything. Everything really is possible, even the impossible. Just ask Boise State.

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Depression sucks dude. That's too bad that you suffer from it's nulling effects as well. I've been dealing with it all of my life. I can remember dealing with it when I was a young boy, as in the 4-5 range.

 

I was recently diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Not the crazy, physical type, the manic depressive type.

 

There's really no way to fight it. I took Paxel and Resperidal (sp?) when I was in high school. It had adverse affects on me. It caused me to gain more than a 150 pounds in a six month time frame. That made things even more difficult. I got off of them, joined the Marines, things got worse, got discharged, met my current girlfriend, things got better. I fight it each and every day, some days it gets the better of me, but it never beats me.

 

Always look up man, stay focused on what you want, and go get it.

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