2/13: Front Row At Animal Orgies
6 p.m.
• Well the drive home wasn’t bad at all. The roads weren’t bad, traffic was light. I was almost getting a woody until I came to this one crappy “s curve” stretch of road where there was suddenly a backup due to an accident. As I drove by I noticed two pickup trucks had collided. My guess: Someone was driving faster than they should have. This brings me to my philosophy of driving in crappy weather. Respect the elements, but don’t fear them. If you are afraid to drive when Mother Nature is dropping flakes of frozen precipitation, then DON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE. However, just because you are driving some “all terrain” vehicle, that doesn’t mean you should be acting like it’s 80 degrees and sunny. In fact, while driving home today some “yo man” (a term I use to describe someone from the “wigger” classification) in a SUV was in the midst of swerving into the left-hand lane because I was only going the speed limit and almost sideswiped a fellow motorist. After that guy laid on the horn the “yo man” went back into my lane and kept his distance. Idiot.
Well the better half is already dropping hints that she doesn’t want me going into work tomorrow. Whenever there is a forecast involving shitty weather, she always reminds me 10-12 times per hour. This is because I have the “final say” as to whether or not we are to go into work for that particular day. Is this another example of male oppression? No. She just doesn’t like making decisions herself. It’s funny because on snowy days while I’m the shower she’ll have the morning news on, ready to give me a full report on what schools/functions have been cancelled, all while not directly telling me that she just wants to go back to bed and sleep until noon. And whenever I agree with staying in she will say for the rest of the day, “Well you’re the one who wanted to stay home.” I can’t wait to see what she does if I decide to go into work should this expected freezing rain doesn’t arrive.
Ha. I just had a flashback to my 11th grade Horticultural class. Yes, I hated science and chose to go in a retard science class because I didn’t want to lean about chemicals and all that shit. No sir. I was in with all the burn-outs and vo-tech students. One of that year’s highlights was when we had a COLORING BOOK for one nine-week grading quarter. Oh the memories are now coming back to me, but for now I’ll just elaborate on the “rabbits.” The teacher for this class had a greenhouse set-up in the upper level/attic of our school, and we all went up there one day where he showed up the rabbits he had up there. He was trying to mate them, and we were to supervise them while he went and did something else. Once we opened up the divider thingy separating the male bunny from the female bunny, the male went to town. The two females in our group had a look of disgust while the dozen-plus males were laughing to the point of tears, especially when the male rabbit was humping the side of the female. Ever since that day, trying to “mate the rabbits” was an often-requested in-class assignment.
• Um, even though this really doesn’t need any comments, kkk-ommentary will be in boldface. You’ll probably guess where this started before being told in the third paragraph.
Genevieve Chandler has been visiting the Lowry Park Zoo since she was a kid, but the tour she got the other night was definitely not the G- rated fare of her childhood. Among the things Chandler, 30, and her date learned on their "Wild at Heart" zoo tour: Male pigs have a unique corkscrew endowment and impressive, um, output; manatees have orgies and don't really care if their partners are male or female; and a male porcupine has only one four-hour window a year to mate -- very carefully, of course.
Valentine's Day is the time of year when zoos around the nation seek to woo a new adult audience with risque tours that couple champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries and candlelight dining with impressive facts about how animals do the wild thing.
Credit for the concept goes to Jane Tollini, a former penguin keeper at the San Francisco Zoo. Tollini conceived the idea two decades ago while watching her penguins' courtship ritual, which culminates in what she describes as "bowling pins making love."
“The keepers get there early and we see things that other people don't see," Tollini said. "And I went, 'My God, that's fascinating.' You know the old Peter Sellers line, 'I like to watch?' You kind of go, 'Oh my, my, my. How big? How many? How far?' It was unbelievable."
She set the ritual to Johnny Mathis, the makeout tunes of her generation, pitched it to her bosses and a new zoo tradition was born. The idea soon spread to other zoos.
San Francisco calls it "Woo at the Zoo." New York City's Central Park Zoo calls it "Jungle Love." Zoo marketing folks in Boise, Idaho, named the tour "Wild Love at the Zoo."
Zoos charge about $50 per person for the tours, and crowds are kept deliberately inmate. Many zoos, including Lowry Park, have added additional nights to handle Valentine's overflow.
"It's a fundraiser, but it's definitely not our largest," said Rachel Nelson, Lowry Park's director of public relations. "It's a way to introduce a new audience to the zoo." Do you really want patrons who are willing to pay money in order to see animals fuck?
Tollini puts it more bluntly.
"Sex sells. No matter what," Tollini said. "I wish I had a nickel for everybody that has copied me. But not every city is as liberal as San Francisco and can get away with what I do."
Even in San Francisco, zoo sex tours are mostly all talk and no action. Animals do it when they please, or, in some cases, when their human keepers deem it appropriate. Well no shit. Talk about performance anxiety. It’s weird enough when I’m doing my thing and one of the cats jump on the bed.
Tour guides in Tampa warned of possible manatee make-out sessions. But the giant mammals were content to munch on vegetation while the tour group ate a candlelight dinner in front of the zoo's massive aquarium windows.
"Manatees are not particular," Nelson said. "We have only males right now and they don't seem to care."
Despite the blunt talk on the tour, many in the Saturday crowd in Tampa were coy about their reasons for attending.
"I really like the zoo and I thought it was a nice thing to do with my boyfriend for Valentine's Day," Chandler said.
Her most memorable statistic: "whales have like 10-foot-long whatevers."
Hillsborough Community College professor Mara Manis said the evening's unique educational twist attracted her to the tour.
"People always look to do something on Valentine's Day. It's one of those holidays where everything has been done so many times. It's so forced." Manis said. "And this is different."
Her date, landscape architect John Tate, made it clear he hoped to cash in on the "King of the Jungle" title he won earlier in the evening. His moves were deemed the best in a contest showcasing how some male animals must win their mates with elaborate dances.
"This is the only time of year I have free license," Tate said, smiling.
Statistics about whale endowments and monkey love may not prove useful on the human dating scene, but a scent-marking experiment with big cats could prove useful when selecting a cologne to wear -- or not to wear -- on a tiger tour in India.
"Apparently," Nelson said, "tigers prefer Obsession."
Ha. I just had a flashback to my 11th grade Horticultural class. Yes, I hated science and chose to go in a retard science class because I didn’t want to lean about chemicals and all that shit. No sir. I was in with all the burn-outs and vo-tech students. One of that year’s highlights was when we had a COLORING BOOK for one nine-week grading quarter. Oh the memories are now coming back to me, but for now I’ll just elaborate on the “rabbits.” The teacher for this class had a greenhouse set-up in the upper level/attic of our school, and we all went up there one day where he showed up the rabbits he had up there. He was trying to mate them, and we were to supervise them while he went and did something else. Once we opened up the divider thingy separating the male bunny from the female bunny, the male went to town. The two females in our group had a look of disgust while the dozen-plus males were laughing to the point of tears, especially when the male rabbit was humping the side of the female. Ever since that day, trying to “mate the rabbits” was an often-requested in-class assignment.
12:15 p.m.
• Well, now the snow is coming down full-tilt. If tonight's freezing rain predictions are correct, I doubt I'll be heading in to work tomorrow. No way I'm risking wrecking the car for just one workday's commute. Yeah, I'll do that, then fuck up my transportation situation for days, weeks even, while the car gets towed off to an auto shop. One of my life's mottos is "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." Remember that, young ones. Except for The Thread Killer, who's older than me and probably already knows this as well.
8:30 a.m.
• A picture is worth a thousand words, or at least a sarcastic remark or two.
The Cancer Research and Prevention Foundation presents The Super Colon, an inflatable 20-foot long and 8-foot high replica of the human colon. As visitors walk through the display, they get an up close look at healthy colon tissue, non-malignant colorectal disease like Crohns and colitis, colorectal polyps and various stages of colorectal cancer. The Super Colon travels throughout the year to encourage the public to learn more about screening, their individual risk, prevention of and treatment for the disease.
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