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Roy Oswalt Tests Positive for Hyperbole

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Roy Oswalt is mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore!


"A-Rod's numbers shouldn't count for anything," Oswalt said in a phone interview with MLB.com. "I feel like he cheated me out of the game."

Okay first off this is just silly. You're an active player and a very good one at that. A-Rod hasn't cost you a spot in the Majors, hell he's not even a pitcher!


"I'm going out there with the ability God gave me. They have that ability, too, and they're putting something on top of it."

So why did God let these heathens have their performance enhancing drugs? Jesus didn't need steroids to hit a curveball!


"The few times we played them, when he got hits, it could have cost me a game," Oswalt said. "It could have cost me money in my contract. He cheated me out of the game and I take it personally, because I've never done [PEDs], haven't done it, and they're cheating me out of the game."

Hmm, interesting considering they've never even played in the same league together but they have faced off in three games in interleague play so let's go to the video tape! Or let's go to baseball-reference.


June 8, 2001

Oswalt failed to retire Rodriguez in three plate appearances as he doubled, walked, and doubled. Obviously those doubles would have been infield pop outs without steroids. Oswalt also gave up home runs to Ivan Rodriguez and Rusty Greer and I now demand both have their records removed the books as obviously Oswalt's God given gifts would not surrender home runs to clean players. Oswalt got a no decision but the Astros won, but who cares because A-ROD COULD HAVE COST HIM MONEY!!!


June 28, 2002

In this game Oswalt did get the better of Rodriguez in two of his at bats but in the 4th inning A-Fraud hit a home run off our hero and if I were Roy I would demand that MLB lower his ERA for the 2002 season immediately! But our hero did win the game but hey he could have also lost it which means A-ROD COULD HAVE COST HIM MONEY!!!


June 15, 2008

Rodriguez reached base only once against Oswalt on a walk. But with these new fangled PEDs they keep coming up with who knows they might actually give players telekinesis. I think A-Fraud may have caused Roy's pitches to land out of the strikezone with his mind! Oswalt lost this game and this certainly means that A-ROD COST HIM MONEY!!!


For those scoring at home Roy Oswalt has made $46,950,000 in his career and his current contract will guarantee him another $45 million over the next three seasons. And you know what he deserves it, he's a fantastic pitcher and I'm just having some fun here. He has a right to be pissed that there will be a cloud over all players who played in the last 15 years. But he really comes off like a sanctimonious crybaby in this and does anyone really want to hear a millionaire whine about possibly being cost money? Also if Roger Clemens is ever "proven" to have used PEDs in his career, I hope Roy has the same conviction that he has with A-Rod and demand the Astros be stripped of their 2005 National League Championship.

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I like Roy, but it would possibly be the funniest thing ever in recorded history if he tested positive for a banned substance this coming season.

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Roy is catching a bit of heat around town for these comments. It's actually very surprising as he's hailed as an infallible guy by Astro fans. I take it to be a big, flashing sign of just how weary fans are getting of all the steroid/PED talk.


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