The Czech Republic

Then who will? Oh God. It's the print journalism debut of "edited for accuracy."

I know it as Frank Sinatra. I don't know which baseball player it applies to. "Yank Aaron" sounds like gay porn. "The Giambino" is an insult to Babe Ruth. Forget Jason and his performance-enhancing drugs. Babe Ruth was on performance-reducing drugs and he's the best player ever. "The Sayonara Kid" sounds like what an announcer from the 1930s would call him (probably being interchanged with "that scrappy Jap"), but it's a moot point because Hideki Matsui is like 34. And even if he isn't, he looks 34. "Bern Baby Bern" is stupid. You suck

Yeah but what's that, like 80 feet?

And yes, I would fret about Chicago fans becoming insufferable blowhards if all our teams were awesome, too.

God I hope not. Boston cannot excel at more than two sports at any given time. The indoor teams had their runs, now the outdoor teams, but shit, if the Patriots, Red Sox, AND Celtics are all championship caliber, New Englanders are gonna get pretty fucking reprehensible. And I like Boston teams (with a notable exception). Just a warning.

My minor league affiliates are mostly in their respective shitters, but I don't care, because the Cubs are the best team in the majors.

Shatner's version is better.

THat must be saying something, because Danny Ainge stockpiles enough draft picks for the Celtics to get 12 rookies a year. Unless of course he trades the draft picks he traded for. If he did, they would probably be traded for draft picks.

The Astros must have at least seven uniforms. White with pinstripes, white without pinstripes, grey, red with Astros, red with Houston, black with Astros, black with Houston, ST/BP, and the thing is, none look any good. They're a horrible team in a horrible park in a city that's ambivalent, if not suspicious, of their existence. It's as if they never moved. They'll sell out most of their games in April, but by the time the Braves, Marlins, Phillies, and Mets have all beaten the Nationals down, the Washington fans, now with TWO teams that aren't all that good, will elect to drive the 35 miles to Baltimore, where the Orioles may not be any more likely to make the playoffs, but at least Camden Yards is pretty and Sammy Sosa plays there. RFK Stadium will finish dead last in attendance. I can't see it being anyone else. The Marlins might be actually selling significant amounts of tickets for the first time in their existence, the Mets have enough major draws on the roster to keep people coming, Brewers COULD be in last if they have another bad year but they could be saved by Cubs fans driving north to Milwaukee for cheaper better Miller Park tickets.

Oh, nobody plays minor league games on MVP. Who thought it would be a good idea to add Single-A? Nothing more annoying than having to fix a bunch of rosters because some ridiculous computer-made character, like a big black man named Tony Suzuki, gets injured.

...I'd fuck her?

So do the Nationals make it to 15th in attendance for the NL? I predict...no

"Where have I seen that house before? Do I pass it on the way to work? Nah. Was I there for a Christmas par--wait! THAT WAS MY HOUSE THAT BURNED DOWN"

Nomar Garcia-Pop-Up

That was a typo. ESPN is filled with hugs.

Yeah if only creepy 40-year-olds would take the hint.

I hope you made those up.

St. Louis wears navy hats for road games, with the STL white w/red trim. Everything else is the same. They should wear "St. Louis" on the grey uniforms. That's a pet peeve of mine. Take your pick

I hate the Nationals' regular season hats. They bug me. It's that stupid cursive W from the shitty 60s Senators-now-Rangers, because they wanted to "honor the legacy of Washington baseball," which consists of: -Ted Williams as manager -? the interlocking DC they wear for ST/BP looks cooler and actually matches the rest of the uniform. Also, they're ripping off St. Louis's red at home, navy on the road, which is unoriginal. Stupid Nationals.

Apparently you don't appreciate the fine art of simulating games. "Yes! No! Yes! No!" as it puts random numbers down for each half-inning. I feel like the Zodiac.

It's true. But only the bathroom across from my room. I have to walk down the hall.

He's been spending a lot of days on the suspended list.

SACRILEGE My lineups are always changing because I have the wonderful dilemma of three great left fielders: Dubois, Hairston, Hollandsworth. Here's my defensive alignment though, and that's what matters because I can't hit for shit. Left field: those guys Center field: Corey Patterson Right field: Jeromy Burnitz 1st base: Derrek Lee 2nd base: Todd Walker Shortstop: Nomar Garciaparra 3rd base: Aramis Ramirez Catchers: Michael Barrett, Henry Blanco for Greg Maddux and when Barrett is tired Utility: Jose Macias, Neifi Perez Pitching staff: Starters: Kerry Wood, Mark Prior, Carlos Zambrano, Greg Maddux, Glendon Rusch Long relief: Sergio Mitre, Roberto Novoa Middle relief: Mike Remlinger, Jon Leicester, Ryan Dempster Set-up: LaTroy Hawkins Closer: Joe Borowski Prior is going for 9-0 with a really low ERA I can't remember. Cubs are 34-13 I think

Free tickets to Fenway Park. that's somethin

It's Wrigley Field against the White Sox! If it's a nice day and the teams are at least close to being at. .500, Wrigley and Fenway should always be packed in the game. I can understand RFK being mostly empty for a day game but not Wrigley against a rival