Kinetic

I spent a few of the most unpleasant minutes of my life cleaning some guy's bloody diarrhea off of the toilet seat tonight at work. You know that place where "I should have finished college" meets "I wish I was dead?" I was there.

Happy 26th birthday, that1870sguy! Originally a high-concept gimmick poster (see his thread "Women Voters? Not in This Man's Utah Territory!"), that1870sguy eventually graduated to posting puzzling and widely ridiculed fiction in the No Holds Barred area of the board. This phase culminated in his epic, typo-riddled "Longdong" thread trilogy, featuring "The Adventures of Longdong in Outer Space," "Longdong vs. Strongdong," and "The Lonesome Death of Longdong." His tenure at TSM met a bitter end when he was banned for claiming that his "Longdong vs. Strongdong: Resurrection" mini-sequel had been the inspiration for the movie "Ray."

Sexy picture of my cat.

Tonight at the store, a very cute girl told me that she loved my hairdo. I was amazed at how good it made me feel and how it buoyed me throughout the rest of the shift. So to pay the good vibrations forward, I'd like to mention that Marvin looks remarkably normal in that picture of him with the energy drink.

Tears in heaven: Sippin' on some sizurp, sip, sippin' on some, sip I'm trill, working the wheel A pimp not a simp Keep the dope fiends higher than the Goodyear Blimp We eat so many shrimp I got iodine poisoning Punk niggas make me sick with all the pinchin and bargaining You say that you a boss I ain't believing that shit You got tha funny Geneva watch, with the Ferrari kit Take that monkey shit off, you embarrassing us I got the red promethazine, pink, orange, and yellow tuss Hydrocodone, on a hands-free phone The '84 brougham, on them blades, 20-inch chrome If you got 16, you can get a fizurth I'm choking on that doja sweet and sipping on that sizurp Niggas scared to flaunt it, some niggas they want it want it Some niggas they jonin jonin, but I be fucked up up on it Well we're the Mafia 6, and we ain't bout that bullshit If we gon' get high we gon' get high, and we gon' house a bitch Two niggas all at the mouth, two niggas all at the ass And plus there's some type of niggas dick hard all night and she cool with that She popped her a pill of X, and drank on some orange juice And just when you thought she was freaky she done got super loose Niggas come in by threes and deuce, all in circles like duck-duck-goose All it wanted, can flaunted, she on that X and the tootie fruit 40 dollars for just one ounce Tussionex is how its pronounced Niggas sipping and dipping and tripping, man I'm bout all out Sippin' on some sizurp, sip, sippin' on some, sip People always asking me, "Me the Three 6 high on that" Rolling on them X pills, stutterin pup-pup powder packs Woah-wuh where the weed at, ain't like that we need that Nyquil to slow me down, something that keep me easy Nothing like that yella yella that'll have you ithin man Talking like you "What's up, fool?" Vocal chords sounding lame In my days all we did was cheif out on the quarter pound Gone on coke, eyes are buck, this the shit'll knock you down Knock you out, make you fall asleep when you're on them wheels Ain't no doubt, hit me when I beep, for this re-fill Once again, on my weekly high, gotta have that drank Yeah my nigga, Gino, I feel like I'm gonna fucking faint Say nigga, tell me what you know bout Frank Nito or Young Guido Pual and Vito, we play a tune thats sweeter than pedito With my Three 6 niggas pourin up in my southern creedo Quick fast, we'll put it on your ass like John Vito Cause you fronting rap singer, be creamy like a Zinger You ain't from the major boy, but you gets the middle finger Humdanger, rum dranker, occaisionally take Your bitch to the Tilly and be a dick and cum slanger When Big Bun come danger, nigga ring your alarm Sexy thang on my arm, cup of drank in my palm And that crazy shit, I'm tripping on some skinny bitches Some that wholesome, Florida to Folsom For the most I'm steady sippin' on some Sippin' on some sizurp, sip, sippin' on some, sip

It was on this day a few thousand years ago that Abraham Lincoln and Jesus signed the Constitution, a sacred document that singlehandedly crushed Hitler's British forces and made it possible for future generations to enjoy fireworks displays and alcohol-saturated watermelon. So happy birthday, America. You're simply the best.

I can't see this avatar without thinking of the immortal Takedown, one of the early TSM's most noteworthy unheralded geniuses. Most of us remember his contributions to threads such as "Is It Possible to Drive my Car Without Keys?" and "I Can't Stop Staring at my Dog's Anus," but I'll always cherish his groundbreaking work in the "I Hope My State Has Lenient Statuatory Rape Laws" thread, which laid a lot of the groundwork for today's more celebrated self-consciously offensive posters. So happy 23rd, Takedown. Long may you run.

Here's mine.

So it turns out that Tampa's 1st and 7th round draft picks got into a scuffle at the rookie symposium. I couldn't care one way or the other about Cory Boyd because there's almost no chance of him making the team, but I'm starting to get a bad feeling about Aqib Talib. What with there already being character concerns, it's a little disconcerting that he wasn't able to get through a goddamn seminar without doing something stupid.

This is going to go on all season, you know. Every bad game Rodgers has, there are going to be those in the media and in the Packers fanbase that will suggest firing up the big #4 searchlight and bringing the ol' Gunslinger home. I really see Green Bay having one of those years where nothing goes right because of it. ESPN's own Trey Wingo yesterday described the network's plan for coverage of the GB-Minnesota MNF opener as being "all Favre, all the time." If that means more Deanna Favre-narrated video packages, then I am so there.

Thank you. It drives me up the fucking wall when people start discussing things like NBA Finals ratings. There's just no reason for fans to care.

Yeah, I'm really only racist against people who wear those cell phone earpieces around all the time. That's my least favorite race. Oh, and I guess I'm racist against miniature hamburgers, too, cause I don't like them little onions.

You're not alone. I had a girlfriend who had cut her teeth on Skwerl. Couldn't never get to her, on account of him. This Skwerl was a chicken farmer, the sort of guy who brought his work home with him, the sort of guy who once he chickened, he never checked out. I couldn't compete with that.

Not me, though, I know plenty of niggas. Why them black assholes always gettin' 'ressted?

I'm in as the Cleveland Steamers. The RME service wouldn't process my info, but the joy here is in the fantasy beating of the internet peoples. If I wanted their money, I'd rob them outright, dig?

Atlanta's Delta hub is a thing of beauty. I remember now that I walked through a very impressive exhibit of Zimbabwean art on the way to my concourse. Good memory. And should you want to see a Georgia game, I've got the hook-up here in nearby Athens.

So it turns out that one of my new coworkers does some indy shows here in Georgia under the alias of Frank the Tank. I wonder how soon is too soon to blow him away with my encyclopedic knowledge of pro wrestling terminology.

I suppose any of the I Love the... series is preferable to Rock of Love or, worse yet, Flava of Love. There are times when, unable to sleep, I can get caught up in one of VH1's list specials, like the top 40 metal songs of all time or what have you. But more often than not, they air the worst sort of barrel-scraping reality TV dreck.

Listeners who enjoy Steely Dan might also enjoy 10cc's Sheet Music, a similarly intricate and fussed-over affair. Highlights include "The Wall Street Shuffle," "Hotel," and "The Sacro-Iliac."

I have trouble imagining Czech listening to the Eagles. I predict that he'll next succumb to the charms of the carefully crafted and impeccably performed mini-symphonies of Abba.

As has been mentioned elsewhere online, 9/11 is given the same amount of time and treated with roughly the same amount of reverence as the movie Pearl Harbor. These shows mercifully steer clear of real social commentary, focusing instead on snarky comments about things like Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" and Kramer's nightclub meltdown. The whole thing seems to be geared towards People magazine subscribers who have been in a coma for the last eight years.

Here it is.

I'm a little troubled by VH1's "I Love the New Millennium" series. It's a lot like that Onion article about nostalgia becoming so accelerated that we'll eventually run out of past, which will result in us becoming nostalgic for things that haven't happened yet. I mean, the decade is still in progress. They couldn't have waited a year and a half to roll this thing out? Are people really that eager to have pop culture fads from 2005 reflected on by Michael Ian Black and Chris Jericho?

I just started working at a convenience store with a predominately black clientele recently, and have noticed that the poorest of poor black folk seem to feel an overwhelming need to spend every last cent that they come in with before leaving. They'll grab their orange drank and their pork rinds, come to the counter, pay for it, assess their financial situation, and then start asking for more shit. "Lemme get a Black & Mild and one of them Cash 3 Quick Picks and a Spicy 7 and a cigarillo." If there's any change left over from that, they'll start grabbing five cent bubble gum and Laffy Taffy and shit. I don't get it. I'm not racist or anything, but them niggas be clowned up from the ground up.