The SmartMarks Roast of Kotzenjunge

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

All right, there's been sufficient support for this idea, and I'm offering myself up first. These'll be a single person a day threads, and at the end of the day, the subject gets to zing everyone back.

 

Roast (or flame) away, everyone!!

 

And remember, these are suppsed to be SAVAGE!!

 

(sits in chair next to podium)

[Guest evenflowDDT]

I'm not smart enough to think of something that's not a cheap jab at Kylie Minogue, the Green Bay Packers, or electronica music.

 

Tell ya what... I'm listening to PPK's "Reload". Why does this remind me of you Kotz? You live in the Carolinas with a broken down car in your driveway and it's the TRAILER TRASH MIX. How appropriate.

[Guest Paranoid]

I have never roasted someone before, but I'll give it a shot...

 

This is a story of when me and Kotz went hiking,

 

Me and Kotz were out in the woods hiking.

 

All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing us. We climbed a tree, but the bear started climbing up the tree after us.

 

I got my sneakers out of my knapsack and started putting them on. Kotz saysto me, "What are you doing? I say, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it."

 

Kotz says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear..."

 

I say, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you...

 

Needless to say, Kotz is a great barefoot runner!

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

If memory serves me, I first ran across this techno pop loving pantywaist somewhere in the music folder. Chances are, I was either bashing Metallica, or making fun of Sebastian for listening to Slipknot. Those days are behind me now, though, since I've got a fucking goldmine that has barely been tapped in Kotzenjunge.

 

...But the question we're all asking is, who is this glow stick waving twat? To understand Kotzenjunge, we must take a look at his past.

 

Years ago, we see a young Patrick Spoon in a movie theatre, enjoying the Pauly Shore classic, Biodome. Somewhere, in his barely pubescent mind, a gland begins to produce hormones, and he notices the redheaded doctor in the film. Before he knows it, his tiny cock is smeared in popcorn butter and there's Raisinettes everywhere. It would be a goal in his life to uncover the identity of that fair lass. Fortunately, he was literate enough, and had enough ritalin in his system to make out the words "Kylie...something" in the credits. He had of course heard the smash hit Locomotion before, but he didn't put two and two together at that point. The harmless crush turned to obsession, and Biodome became his primary masturbatory muse all throughout puberty. He was prone to shouting "SHERMAN TANK" at innapropriate moments, and began to talk like a dimwitted surfer guy. Somewhere in his pop culture soaked mind, the phrase "Fo Sheez" developed. It would get injected into conversations despite the laws of proper grammar and common sense dicating otherwise. If nothing else, the boy was an individual, and no matter how many times it was shown that his psyche and his sexuality were in question, he perservered. Perhaps his admitted love for Kylie was merely displaced subconcious desire for Pauly Shore? We might not know for sure, but his unhealthy obsession with the muscular men of the Green Bay Packers points us in the right direction.

 

Kudos to you, Kotzenjunge, for pushing the envelope of gayness, and showing us all that there's no shame in dancing around in a sweltering room in close proximity to sweaty men and drugged up sorostitutes. Your dedication to your craft while being faced with the perils of masculinity and good music has not phased you one iota.

 

Dance on, brave cocksucker.

[Guest Incandenza]

::claps::

[EL DANDY~! 0]

*DANDY~! walks up in his felt feather hat and his Ric Flair sequined long coat with LAAAAAAAAAADIES at his side*

 

Patrick Spoon...Kotzenjunge...whatever your inner voice is telling ya. Wow. Whose idea was it to roast this guy? Couldn't we have gotten somebody like Cutthroat so that everything we said was actually cold-hearted and meant something? The Agent talked of Bio-Dome, when in all reality, Kotz actually started his Shore-ization by watching the critically acclaimed classic that was...Son-in-Law. Since then, he's been wearing chaps with no jeans on...and we're all scared shitless of him. But then, you go to his love for techno music, and it becomes clear to us all, that Spoon's favorite position is that...of the spoon, and whether it's with his dog or his man...or both, we all have to respect the fact that Spoon did what he did best: sit in front of his computer, listen to techno music, and masturbate every day until Thursday rolled around so he could write a fuckin repot on muscular men he may watch wrestling with other men. So Spoon, we say to you now, that I have no LAAAAAAAAADIES for you, however *waves his hand out* I have these...

 

*midgets in Chippendale's outfits come out and dance in front of Spoon*

 

Patrick, enjoy, because I know we all have.

[Guest Vern Gagne]

:pounds table while laughing hysterically:

[Guest Kinetic]

What come one really say about Kotzenjunge that hasn't already been reported in the GLAAD newsletter? What anecdotes can one share that haven't already been embellished in the "Letters" section of Blueboy or in a bathroom stall at The Flaming Triangle? What character traits can one hope to expound on that haven't already been made obvious by his exceedingly dull and inconsequential posts? I don't know. I'm just here for the midget strippers.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Kinetic...that's gonna cost ya...

[The Dames 0]

Oh, can someone do me next?

 

Dames

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Oh, can someone do me next?

(unzips pants)

 

All right Dames, you can be done next...

 

Wait, I should save those jokes for when we get Dames. Anyways, carry on with the roasting! This is some funny shit!

[Guest The Amazing Rando]

Let me be the first to say that you are nothing more than the diarrehea of TSM...you smell bad, are usually wet and dirty, and can clear a room in under thirty seconds...

 

you began threads like "How Come Did I F*ck Kylie" and "1 Million Reasons I Wish To Take A Ride Down Kylie's Hershey Highway" but you always seem to be looked at as god-like or untouchable in your own mind...but unlike most posters, we can wipe you out of our ass and flush you...

 

**whisper whisper whisper**

 

WHAT? I thought this was for DJ Jeff....How come did you change the title!

 

oh well...

 

*ahem*

 

Kotz........I was never a member of the ESTABLISHIT....nor did I ever "Ask The Shiteater" ...but that was because in your own twisted little mind, you were seen to be more god-like that DJ Jeff was in his mind...

 

you are such an ego-driven raver that you had the balls to START THIS THREAD YOURSELF~! instead of letting a crafty poster have the "blessed honor" to make fun of you...

 

I don't even know why I am posting here...

 

*walks off, opens door to thread, walks out, slams door to thread*

[Guest Sandman9000]

::Walks into door, holds nose, pens door, steps up to podium::

 

"Screw all y'all."

 

::Leaves::

[Your Paragon of Virtue 0]

Kylie Minogue is attractive, the Green Bay Packers are God's football team, and electronica music is a good way to pick up chicks, as long as you can dance, which is why most people here probably wouldn't like it.

 

So yeah, you ain't got nothing wrong with ya...

 

But your self-indulgence in actually starting a post about yourself brings you the fuck down in my opinion. Earn the rights to your last name by eating out ass like it's never been eaten before. Who knows, maybe you could find a woman for a change....

[Guest TheyCallMeMark]

-Mark is pushed up to the podium, smiling proudly, all dressed up with big purple notecards in his hand with this cute little yellow daisy print in the upper left hand corner, you know the kind you see at wall mart that just make you say "OOOHHHH THAT IS SOOOOOO CUTE!!!!!".-

 

Well, first of all, let me just say that this guy really is a moron. He has like this picture of him standing right in front of Triple H and near Stephanie! Well he says that it's because he was "Edging HHH out" but I think there might be a different reason he sticks his BUTT so close to HHH's "steriod injector", if you know what I mean. Hyuck, hyuck. And man you know what "My Opinion" is? You suck!

 

-The host taps Mark on the shoulder. He whispers in Mark's ear.-

 

Psst... this is the Kotzenjudge roast... The Dames roast is NEXT...

 

-Mark stands up, blushing like a mad man. His nerves get the better of him and he shuffles the cards for a bit before the cameras cut with him sort of blankly staring into the lense.-

[Guest treble charged]

I hate you. First, you dissed the CFL, saying you didn't even know it was in season (and you may have even said it wasn't even real football, if so, I hate you even more) and then, when you took that quiz in the music folder and found out you 'were' the lead singer of treble charger, you said, and I quote, 'Ugh'.

 

Bastard. Go to hell.

[Guest The Amazing Rando]

I call "TheyCallMeMark" on copycatting ME...

 

you just don't do that to the Amazing Rando...

[Guest Flyboy]

So yeah, you ain't got nothing wrong with ya...

But.. he's Spoon!

[Guest The Amazing Rando]

Earn the rights to your last name by eating out ass like it's never been eaten before. Who knows, maybe you could find a woman for a change....

I don't think Dames uses a spoon for that...

[Guest Vern Gagne]

:Laughs Hysterically:

[The Dames 0]

Earn the rights to your last name by eating out ass like it's never been eaten before. Who knows, maybe you could find a woman for a change....

I don't think Dames uses a spoon for that...

Nope....sure don't.

 

Dames

[Guest J*ingus]

::walks to the podium, sleepily, and a little drunkenly::

 

"Well damn. Even for such a massive piece of shit like Spoon, it seems like all the good insults have already somehow been taken. Uh... well then... guess there's nothing else left to do."

 

::Jingus whips it out, and starts jerking off in the general direction of Kotz's face.::

 

"Hey, could someone hand me a Playboy or something, cuz Spoon is so ugly that this could take a looooong time..."

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

"Hey, could someone hand me a Playboy or something, cuz Spoon is so ugly that this could take a looooong time..."

Now now, this is a roast, not a Bukakke Party.

 

Great thread, btw.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Okay, time to take this person-by-person(and this will probably be awful quality-wise, but oh well)...

 

EvenflowDDT: And I was listening to "Your Disco Needs You" as I read your post. Only really notable part about that is that it was the "St. Ken's Gay Pride Remix." You sit there in your little "Punk Princess" outfit, you know, the one with the tie made all out of safety pins and the tattered skirt with the "I RAWK!!" patch sewed onto the ass and that delightfully "retro" shirt of any 80s kids TV show that you put the fake vomit stains on. I'm surprised you took enough time out of your self-loathing and pathos to insult me.

 

Paranoid: I'll be nice because you've got a kid, but if you ever come home (after seeing a 1984 Mustang convertible with Kylie or Digweed blasting pass you on the way) and see your wife looking very contented, just remember, you brought it on yourself.

 

Agent Of Oblivion: I got nothing. That was genius.

 

Incandenza and Kinetic: I wanted to get some of the bands you guys love so much to appear on this program for a little musical interlude, but not even the bands themselves have ever heard of them. Hell, even Leonard Cohen had never heard any of his records before.

 

The Amazing Rando: Go join Minnie in fucking Goofy, you worker bee in the giant hive that is the Disney company.

 

Paragon of Virtue: Weren't telling me to find a woman when my dick was tickling your tonsils last night.

 

TheyCallMeMark: I'll let Dames take care of you.

 

Jingus: Screw Playboy, I've got the latest issues of Plumpers and Granny's G-Spot gift-wrapped for you back in my dressing room.

 

Treble Charged: Listen to the first part of this. I think of you every time I hear it.

 

The People Who Laughed: Let's see you get home with your distributor caps removed, and just for Vern Gagne, I did you the service of having a donkey painted onto your hood and "I LOVE LIBERALS!!!" all the way down the sides of your massive planet-destroying SUV. Enjoy!

 

Thanks to all who participated, I guess Dames can start his own thread tomorrow.

[Guest Kinetic]

Hey, man. Leonard Cohen is a legend.

 

Asshole.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

I swear, no one can take good-natured ribbing. I fear how you'll react when your day comes along.

[Guest Incandenza]

If I ever get roasted, I plan on killing each and every one of you that says something negative about me.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Come now, Inc. It's hilarious, don't ruin it when we do.

[Guest Incandenza]

Oh, I'll be laughing on the outside. On the inside, I'll be plotting all the ways in which I'll kill you. It's about time I moved away from the prostitutes, anyway.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Inc, when did you become the great and all powerful Satan? I thought Lazerus had that all locked up?