YOUR WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 3/20/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

We Americans are blowing up stuff in Iraq as a result of a very complex situation involving our new post- 9/11 foreign policy, the liberation of a people from tyranny, the security of our interests in the region, the reaction of the civilized world to rogue states- all mixed with the possibly ethically questionable post-Cold War policy of pre-emption that is now being put into action. With all this going on, I figured I would write a lot of jokes about fake titties, hot male asses and people assuming the form of giant wads of shit. Yes, my brothers in arms, it`s another Smackdown Workrate Report.

 

WHAT WORKED-

 

- Rhyno vs Charlie Haas! Rhyno acts all Neidermeyerlike and bumps fucking HUGE early for Haas. God, Rhyno fucking rules it. When did this happen? I don`t remember liking him this much when he was in ECW. Haas is there with the suplex and the nasty dropkick to the knee- and then following up on the knee, which I loved. Rhyno makes the ropes and Benoit beats the shit out of Shelton when he tries to cheat. Rhyno sells the knee really well, getting the crowd to empathize and hope that Rhyno can escape- the job that the babyface should be able to do. Rhyno sells the knee post-suplex and I`m loving this. Shelton slams Benoit into the ringpost and they decide to forgo a win and beat the hell out of Rhyno. This came close to being not a match but an angle.

 

- Eddy and Chavo re-enact Up In Smoke Visits Caddyshack and we all laffed and laffed and laffed... THEN they tag with Rikishi and go against the FBI. Rikishi`s ass is huge. The camera focuses on his thong and you see the commander of his ass, sitting on the bridge and issuing orders. ``Commander Turwellian! Last nights kim chi and lasagna caserole IS GONNA BLOW! WE CAN`T HOLD, SIR!``

``Dammit Poo! It`s got to hold! He`s trying to wrestle a match!`` Nunzio and Eddy start and Eddy hits a neato Quebradora. Chavo beats the hell out of everybody. Chuck hits a nice lariat and a half crab and the FBI go all Southern with the cheating and triple teaming and it`s fun. Chuck is the funnest of the FBI in this, coming in with a Samoan DropVARIATION and then taking all of Eddy`s offense. Eddy goes ARENA MEXICO on the FBI with the Running Up The Ropes To Hit The Double Headlock /Headscissors Takeover and sets up Rikishi`s SWEET Superkick. ``CAPTAIN! We`ve got Chuck alone in the corner! Los Guerrerros have planchaed the other two to the floor!``

``Yes, Poo, quickly....UNLEASH THE HELLISH WIND OF HORRID FECAL SCENT! THEY WILL NOT KNOW WHAT HIT TH... Oh wait, Eddy Guerrerro is doing a Frogsplash. I, TURDWELLIAN and my MIGHTY VESSEL- RIKISHI`s GIANT ASS- have been DENIED! I WILL HAVE MY VENGENCE!``

 

- REY REY takes on Jamie Noble. Jamie needs to grow his hair out; he looks too much like a guy who would hang out at the Topeka Steakhouse instead of a true redneck or at least get ``My Grass Is Blue`` tattooed across is stomach. Rey Rey takes the Psicosis sliding bump to the floor and then makes Nidia`s lariat look good. They fuck up a Tornado DDT I think- and Rey Rey walks into a true DiBiase Powerslam. Rey Rey hits the toprope rana and then Pescado`s Nidia dn Noble does the GREAT Fit Finlay dropkick through the ropes. Noble sells the 619 like a freak and Rey Rey wins it with a sweet springboard Frankensteiner. That was fun.

 

- Eric Angle as the bitter younger brother is going to be GOLD. Take it from me, a bitter younger brother. YOU TELL THEM, KURT! FUCK BROCK LESNAR, the FUCKING PUSSY! HE LOVES HIS BROTHER AND THEY HUG! FUCK YEAH! TO HELL WITH THOSE FREAKS IN KENTUCKY! He`s RIGHT! Lesnar is a SORE LOSER! HE NEEDS TO APOLOGIZE TO ERIC! FUCKIN` A! Then , Scott Putski comes out and makes the title match at Wrestlemania a No DQ match. THEN! Lesnar comes out and takes the fucking nastiest bump of the week on a metal chair and Angle ROCKS with the choke out and you weep at the beauty, the innnate perfection of Angle performing the Professional Wrestling. Angle is fucking GREAT. He can`t retire. He has to redo all the classic Anderson Brothers angles.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON- The ninjas start kicking Al Wilson in the face and in groin. Al collapses to the floor, gasping for air. ``Massster, should I kill him now?``

 

``MullKEY, you have done very vell. I vill lavish you vith revards. Yes, kill him quickly while you can.``

 

``Mr Wilsssssson, you heard the man. Time for you to die.`` SUDDENLY the walls to the bathroom fall away outwards and the Sisterhood of Hardees Secret Agents spring at the ninjas from every direction. Linda Whitcombe (CODENAME Lee-Lee) is the first to fly wildly into a cross-armbreaker and rips a ninja`s arm out of joint after breaking it in half, ``Fuck you and your arm, motherfucker``. Josephine Wagner (CODENAME Jo Jo) uses her brass knuckles ``Awwww you ninja motherfucker!`` Ninja teeth are bashed out as she throws hooks and jabs and uppercuts like the most vixen-like Sonny Liston that could ever exist. Samantha McNeill (CODENAME SYCHO SAM) swings her size 39 Louisville slugger, smashing the knee of a hapless ninja, ``you dickless rat-soup-eating motherfucker!``

 

Al gets to his feet and sees MulKEY sprinting for the door. Al springs to his feet and dives over the plastic seat and table combo and lands on MulKEY in a heap. Al drives hellish punches into the face of MulKEY, who is spitting blood and teeth out of his mouth as his eye swells shut. ``Okay, you little motherfucker. Where is the Baron?``

 

``Fuck you, Wilsssssssooooooo.....`` and the cyanide capsule hidden behind his molar takes effect.

 

``DAMN! Jesus. That`s some shit. Poor misbegotten motherfucker.`` Al lets go of MulKEY`s lifeless body and it collapses to the floor. ``You ladies allright? Thanks for saving my bacon.``

 

``Don`t worry about us, are you allright?``

 

``I`m good. I`m getting too old for this shit.``

 

``This hasn`t even started. We got a new file on what the Baron has been up too. It ain`t pretty.``

 

``I guess we need to get some information out of these ninjas before they figure out a way to kill themselves.``

 

``Al, we`ll get it out of them. Lay back, I`ll get you a Frisco burger. They`ve got secret healing power.``

 

``Jo Jo, you are one bad mamajama- just as bad as you can be. Y`all ain`t nothin but fine. And I mean that.``

 

``And you damn right that we`re fine. I`m a bad bad missus in my skintight britches.``

 

Al starts to laugh but keels over from his broken ribs.

 

to be Continued...

 

- Undertaker and Bill Demott didn`t fuck up the Rolling Kneebar. Bill Demott didn`t throw any punches. VIOLA! The Best This Match Could Possibly Be!

 

- Brian Kendrick is all nifty on the mat early as Shannon Moore does his Misawa impersonation- in that he does fifty 2 and 68/69ths nearfalls. Matt Hardy is AWESOMELY evil on the outside- especially when Kendrick just fucking DIES taking a facebuster to his steps. Misterio comes out and Matt takes the bouncing Hurricanrana spot off the apron that Matt actually invented with his brother in OMEGA. Kendrick gets to stay on my TV indefinately by killing Shannon with his Shewy Newy.

 

- Benoit comes to the ring with Rhyno and I`m assuming that he will beat the life out of Shelton Benjamin. Oh yeah! BENOIT BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF HIM! YEAH! Shelton takes the assbeating like a man. Shelton works on Benoit`s neck- off course if he REALLY wanted to work on his neck to wear him down for WM, he should keep laying on his back until Benoit does another astoundingly stupid toprope headbutt. Shelton is FUN FUN FUN smacking Benoit around and doing a yeoman`s job of reversing the Crossface. Crossface is reappled pretty early with a GORE GORE GORE GORE GORE GORE flying over top of it and I`m guessing Benoit and Rhyno aren`t winning the belts. Not long enough but perfectly fine.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

- Somebody put up pictures of the Torrie Wilson pictures naked- on the internet, I HAVE MY INTERNET RESOURCES!- and one would toast a load to these said pictures if she wasn`t wearing so many layers of air-brush. It made me wonder what she looked like naked.

 

- John Cena disses The Source magazine rating system? This will not stand....

 

- Hulk Hogan talks and talks and talks and he was never fucking Ric Flair and he sucks and I wish he would at least go away from the beloved Smackdown if he can`t ever actually bring himself to ever actually retire and spend some time with his kids. Vince hits him with a chair a lot. This wasn`t as long as it could have been and Hogan blades like he was in the AWA at one time. There. You will always have that. And the signing in your own blood thing was neat. McMahon could have jumped the ring on a motorcycle and it still wouldn`t change the fact that Vince McMahon and Hulk hogan are going to have a wrestling match that they expect poor shmoes to pay $39.99 to see.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest AndrewTS]

We Americans are blowing up stuff in Iraq as a result of a very complex situation involving our new post- 9/11 foreign policy, the liberation of a people from tyranny, the security of our interests in the region, the reaction of the civilized world to rogue states- all mixed with the possibly ethically questionable post-Cold War policy of pre-emption that is now being put into action. With all this going on, I figured I would write a lot of jokes about fake titties, hot male asses and people assuming the form of giant wads of shit.

 

And God bless you for it, Dean. If you didn't, then the terrorists have won.

 

Cena gets another "afterthought" mention. Banky's gonna be pissed.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

We Americans are blowing up stuff in Iraq as a result of a very complex situation involving our new post- 9/11 foreign policy, the liberation of a people from tyranny, the security of our interests in the region, the reaction of the civilized world to rogue states- all mixed with the possibly ethically questionable post-Cold War policy of pre-emption that is now being put into action. With all this going on, I figured I would write a lot of jokes about fake titties, hot male asses and people assuming the form of giant wads of shit.

 

And God bless you for it, Dean. If you didn't, then the terrorists have won.

 

Cena gets another "afterthought" mention. Banky's gonna be pissed.

He's an afterthought until he wrestles.

 

DEAN. Fighting terrorism 4 U.

[Guest Banky]

DEAN, when will you learn? When will you learn? Cena = DVDR #1 in 2003.

[B. Brian Brunzell 0]

DEAN: Always speakin' the truth.

[Guest goodhelmet]

hey dean, love the reports but I think you should really start doing the RAW workrates to see how far you can really stretch the mediocre and absurd into something positive. you can always claim that lance storm has a really nice heel kick or that the dudleys have really nice tables or that ric flair can still punch with the worst of them. seriously, i think Smackdown is too easy. try RAW and report the love!!!!

[EL DANDY~! 0]

I thought Schneider did the RAW reports? He needs to start doing them again. Maybe if we start giving him cookies, he'll consider doing it...

 

And DEAN! SHEWY NEWY BABY! More Matt Hardy and more Kendrick and more Moore and more Rey and more Benoit and more Rhyno and more Team Angle and more Brock makes me feel the PRO WRESTLING LUV. And AL WILSON, BABY! Yeah, more of him rules too.

[Guest Goodear]

It's sad land in Washington, DC... for I was unable to see the great and powerful Samckdown. Weep for me. Weep for Goodear. Screw it, I'll make comments anyway.

 

- Rhyno vs Charlie Haas! Rhyno acts all Neidermeyerlike and bumps fucking HUGE early for Haas. God, Rhyno fucking rules it. When did this happen? I don`t remember liking him this much when he was in ECW.

 

Because, get this Dean, he didn't rule that much in ECW. Everyone of his matches I saw in the land of cheesesteaks and cheesewhiz and creamcheese (eat it Wisconsin) where all a heaping handful of Gore and piledriver and not much else. It was only when Rhyno got to the WWE and broke out his retro jersey offense and bumping like a machine did he truly start to rock the party. I bet Paul E's head went cablooey when he found out Rhyno could actually work after making him look like 912 for months.

 

Nunzio and Eddy start and Eddy hits a neato Quebradora. Chavo beats the hell out of everybody. Chuck hits a nice lariat and a half crab and the FBI go all Southern with the cheating and triple teaming and it`s fun. Chuck is the funnest of the FBI in this, coming in with a Samoan DropVARIATION and then taking all of Eddy`s offense.

 

Damn, I hate it when I miss quality Southern heeldom and especially Chuck Palumbo southern heeldom. If you don't like the Chuck, there is something fundamentally wrong with your appreciation of wrestling. I never would have guessed he'd be the big success of the Natural Born Thrillers from WCW, but there it is. Chuck = The Underrated. As an aside, Poo should be known as Mr. Poo... cause adding Mister makes everything nautical better... including Rikishi's ass.

 

- REY REY takes on Jamie Noble. Jamie needs to grow his hair out; he looks too much like a guy who would hang out at the Topeka Steakhouse instead of a true redneck or at least get ``My Grass Is Blue`` tattooed across is stomach.

 

Oh, tell me about it... Jamie is too damn good looking in a manly way to pull off the super redneck we all want and desire. Rednecks need beer pouches... and mullets... and WRAP AROUND SHADES.

 

- Brian Kendrick is all nifty on the mat early as Shannon Moore does his Misawa impersonation- in that he does fifty 2 and 68/69ths nearfalls. Matt Hardy is AWESOMELY evil on the outside- especially when Kendrick just fucking DIES taking a facebuster to his steps.

 

Matt Hardy has a career as a manager if he ever decides to retire from competition. He's great at pulling for his guy and cheating like me on April 15th and getting the crowd into the match all at the same time. Not that I want Matt to retire... but its nice to know he's got options.

 

Shelton works on Benoit`s neck- off course if he REALLY wanted to work on his neck to wear him down for WM, he should keep laying on his back until Benoit does another astoundingly stupid toprope headbutt.

 

OMG DEAN~! agrees with me about the headbutt... VINDICATION.

 

- Somebody put up pictures of the Torrie Wilson pictures naked- on the internet, I HAVE MY INTERNET RESOURCES!- and one would toast a load to these said pictures if she wasn`t wearing so many layers of air-brush. It made me wonder what she looked like naked.

 

Playboy```````````` You know its gotten bad when you feel like you're punishing your clown to a freaking cartoon. Hello, its naked ladies, no one cares about how freaking artistic you girls make it. We just want to see the fruit of Al Wilson's loins in her glory.

 

- John Cena disses The Source magazine rating system? This will not stand....

 

Again DEAN~! refuses to bow to the tryanny of the mighty Banky (don't ask, DEAN~!) and continues his scathing rebukes of John Cena... fear the conflict! FEAAAAAAAR IT.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Ah Goodear! Back to form and it's good to see. I'm glad I wasn't crazy about wondering about the sudden goodness of Rhyno.

 

DEAN.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

hey dean, love the reports but I think you should really start doing the RAW workrates to see how far you can really stretch the mediocre and absurd into something positive. you can always claim that lance storm has a really nice heel kick or that the dudleys have really nice tables or that ric flair can still punch with the worst of them. seriously, i think Smackdown is too easy. try RAW and report the love!!!!

Rippa is almost conned into doing RAW and that would rule, because he hates the WWE more than anyone on earth and it would be funny.

 

I would have to get cable if I were to do that RAW workrate report thing and that would undermine my aging hipster veneer.

 

DEAN.

[Guest AndrewTS]

DEAN, when will you learn? When will you learn? Cena = DVDR #1 in 2003.

Double Vaginal-Double Rectal?

 

 

I never would have guessed he'd be the big success of the Natural Born Thrillers from WCW, but there it is.

 

Only by default. All of the ex-Thrillers were shipped out to the farm leagues save for Palumbo and Stasiak. We almost got Sanders playing the Rico role, in which case I think he's have surpassed Palumbo...but for some one only with a couple years in the business who already is far far better than Gunn's ever been, he's quite adequate.

[Bored 0]

Having not bothered to register for this board till this past week let me say I have for quite a while now have LOVED the Workrate reports here and on the DVDR board (another board that maybe one day I finally get around to actually posting on). I'd have Dean's baby if he asked me to and if I weren't a man. Is that wrong?

[Conspiracy_Victim 0]

No it isn't Bored. I myself love Deano Machino in my own manly, not that there's anything wrong with that, sorta way. I would gladly strap myself to a chair and watch "The Best of Test & Albert" on Betamax if he asked me to. And, as the ultimate show of devotion, I would listen to Barbara Steisand on his request.

[Guest goodhelmet]

Ah Goodear! Back to form and it's good to see. I'm glad I wasn't crazy about wondering about the sudden goodness of Rhyno.

 

DEAN.

well fuck, maybe you should encourage him to write more articles because after your SD reports, he's always willing to drop in a few hundred words. not that i am bitter he is sporadic at best on the main page

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Ah Goodear! Back to form and it's good to see.  I'm glad I wasn't crazy about wondering about the sudden goodness of Rhyno.

 

DEAN.

well fuck, maybe you should encourage him to write more articles because after your SD reports, he's always willing to drop in a few hundred words. not that i am bitter he is sporadic at best on the main page

Who can control Goodear? He is the wind...

 

DEAN.