Banky's Bitchfest 03/20/02 Suckdown! Edition

[Guest Banky]

Welcome to Banky’s Bitchfest were none of the WWE Suckdown! Superstars are safe. This will not be your regular pedestrian recap shite, but it will have scathing commentary ripping the WWE, and all of their other peons to hell. Remember, I have obvious biases, so don’t piss and moan about it. I am who I am, and no Misawa Pig Fucker will change me. I know wrestling, I am wrestling, and wrestling fears me. I could give a flying fuck about match length, or the use of restholds – if the match kept my attention for longer than 3 minutes it ruled. I will share my top !5! favorite moments from the show, and share why it sucked less than everything else. The Bankster does not have the mental capacity to break down a Bill Demott match, so it won’t be on here. Keep in mind that I am a foul mouthed prick, so beware. And never ever forget that you all LOVE ME! You love me, you love me. I rule by Banky’s edict…and y’all have to deal with it. I rule.

 

5. Brian Kendrick finally gets his sorry ass a job on Suckdown!. Those fat cats in the WWE cyber department should follow the fucking storylines as they have had Kendrick’s bio up for the past few weeks. Jesus, and I seriously thought he was just some random 23 year old who got the chance to meet Paul Heyman backstage and automatically do a skit with the Undertaker. What happened to Kanyon by the way? He got the living piss beat out of him last I saw. Anyway, the match was stellar, as Moore finally decided to show some personality while wrestling. The Torch’s fake report of him getting fired must of lit a firecracker under his ass. If Kendrick wants to remain on this the Bitchfest he better find some new tights, as those ones make my dick crawl into my abdomen. I wonder how he got the name Spanky? Get this kid a tan, some vitamin Helmsley, and his jobbing shoes – he is going nowhere. He woulda been much cooler if he knocked out Anna Nicole McMahon for giving him shit backstage. That bird is crazier than Anna. First she reems the dude out, than gives him a match. What a schizophrenic roid slut. Fuck her, she’s ugly. She has the frame of Bill DeMott and the face of Vince. I never would have thought that Shane was the best looking McMahon. What a hunk.

 

4. Bob Costas rocking it WWE style!! Wow did he add legitimacy to the match or what? By the way, what is that fucker doing with himself nowadays? The succeeded in finding a guy with an even bigger ego than the two guys he was promoting. I know, I am shocked too. Bobby Heenan’s appearance was just sad. It looks as though the cancer has hit him hard. I wish him a sincere speedy recovery. And Ventura….did Jesse ‘The Brain’ say that watching Wrestlemania is mentally draining? Did a guy who calls himself ‘The Brain’ say that? An United States Governor said watching wrestling is mentally fucking draining? And I thought Canada’s politicians are fucking thoughtless drones.

 

3. Tonight Kurt Angle showed every single wrestling fan why we’ll all miss him for the next year. This guy has it all. The Wrestling ability, and the brash mic skills to back it up. Too bad he has lost his mind by competing with a rumored 4! Damaged vertebras thus ending his illustrious career. He, along with Benoit and Guerrero tore down the house in the latter parts of 2002 and saved it from becoming the worst year in recent memory. Oh yea, plus he busts out the double switch from Survivor Series 2000. I don’t know if that makes him intelligent, or if makes Biff Lesnar a fucking idiot. Re-watch the footage from last week, why did he stammer around that a gorilla looking for a banana after f-5ing him? He shoulda just pinned the fucker instead of turning his back to a possible jumping. They must not train common sense like that out on the farm. What a fucking beefcake. And this is who we are hinging the future of wrestling on? Not in a week….

 

2. Holy shit did Noble and Mysterio tear that bitch down with an absolute heart stopper. I actually thought Noble would raise his (0-237) record versus Mysterio by finally getting a victory against him. Boy, was I wrong? Why are they wasting Noble’s talent as enhancement to other useless cruiserweights? Mysterio is fine and all, but he was Crash’s whipping boy for about a month. Where is Crash? Noble and Spanky should have become Team Angle, not Haas and Benjamin. The two most overhyped stars in years. Whats up with those fuckers? They are so boring. Both have a grasp of what to do but it is so goddamn BLAND! Fuuuck! Gimme some Jamie San! He brought the goods tonight thus showing that this is WCW ’96…and he is Chris Benoit. Both have assloads of ability, and the no push. Fuck. Mysterio brought his some old gymnastic routine that suckers me in everytime. But he doesn’t sell! Wait….I don’t acre about that. He rules. But not as much as me.

 

And #1……………..

 

1. Eddie Guerrero blows his lid by making the Full Blooded Italians look like the Triad. He was cooking! Double headscissors makes Banky happy. Fans chanting Eddie’s name makes Banky mark out like the useless Eddie fanboy that he is. Those racists in Connecticut probably think its those degrading promos that are getting Eddie over. Nice try. Its his Guerrero Family God-like Powers, not that bullshit. The fans were dying to cheer Eddie after making Edge look like Shawn f’n Michaels last September. Cheat 2 Win was cute when Eddie was a despicable heel looking to win wrestling matches, not now when he is robbing every yuppy he enounters! I wonder if they’ll have a Cheat 2 Win Lying, Stealing, and Cheating Los Guerreros double pack action figures for those impressionable kids? Fuck Vince. Eddie has been out popping Benoit, out performing him with far worse opponents and he still won’t get a push. He is good to treat like a foreign robber, but not build a company around. Fuck that. Eddie breaks the mold and owns all of your souls. Fuck you, he won’t do what they tell him. Eddie’s Da Man. Not Misawa…Eddie.

 

Now for all our suckers who stuck around to the end of this report, you get Banky’s Suckdown! Power ranks. Top 10 superstars in the eyes of the Bank for the week. Follow it, and let it guide your opinion.

 

10. Biff Lesnar – I only put that dolt on here because I have to. He is going to be World Champion in 10 days. Yadda yadda. He’ll be owned soon.

 

9. Nathan Jones – Mr. Intensity. Fucker looks constipated. He makes me laugh. He is so bad, that he is…really really bad….and Banky laughs.

 

8. Matt Hardy – I ain’t not no Mattitude follower, but he is growing on me…like a zit on Bob Barron’s face. Yes, by the minute I am liking him more and more.

 

7. Brian Kendrick – Anyone who used to go by the name Spanky is a winner to me. Spanky. Spaaaanky. It just rolls of our tongue. And it suits 98& of the TSM posters.

 

6. Tajiri – I didn’t see him this week, yet he is still greater than everyone else on this list. Bow down. He will come back more evil than ever. He should turn into the heartless barbarian he was in ECW. Remember his match at Hardcore heaven with Corino? Shit was fucked up. Fucked up. Plus I bet he got to see Torrie Wilson’s finally manicured vagina before all of playboy did. He has good taste.

 

5. Rhyno – Gore, Gore, Gore

 

4. Chris Benoit – Toothless Aggression has to go. That is all. This guy will be the one to turn to for Suckdown! If he fails, than the show will plummet. I don’t need Biff being ‘the one’. Benoit better continue on his current path of winning fans hearts. He had me at hello.

 

3. Jamie Noble – I love this guy. See #2 favorite moment. I question his taste in hogs…errrr women, but his wrestling idols are more my speed.

 

2. Kurt Angle – I’ll miss you man. Shit, I’m tearin’ up as I type this. Give ‘em hell tiger. Tap that fine ass you got at home nightly…she deserves it. See you at the next Wrestlemania were you’ll avenge Biff’s tainted victory in 10 days.

 

1. Eddie Guerrero – No one in the WWE is hotter than everyones favorite Latino. He’ll be Tag Champion at Wrestlemania. I love this guy, what can I say? I am a sucker for men in green tights.

 

And that is all friends, I hope you stuck with it. I love you all. But not as much as you love me. I am hot, remember?

 

Fuck, I feel like I am forgetting about something…..

[B. Brian Brunzell 0]

Could that something possibly be the contract signing?

[Guest Vitamin X]

And Ventura….did Jesse ‘The Brain’ say that watching Wrestlemania is mentally draining? Did a guy who calls himself ‘The Brain’ say that? An United States Governor said watching wrestling is mentally fucking draining? And I thought Canada’s politicians are fucking thoughtless drones.

dipshit. Bobby Heenan is "The Brain". Jesse Ventura is "The Body".

 

even a mark would know that.

[Guest Banky]

What did Venture call himself when he bcame Governor? Jeese 'The Mind'.....whoops....I screwed up.. Sorry, substitute mind for brain.. Either way.

 

Ps. You suck.

[Guest treble charged]

Banky's been watching too many Islander games.

[Guest Banky]

Banky's been watching too many Islander games.

Thats why I am such a slippery bitch. Fuck the Leafs. Peca will pay thsoe bitches back down the road....just you see.

[Guest TheGame2705]

This so looks like something you'd see said in a WWE AOL chat.

[Guest snuffbox]

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

Good read, you hit all the high points on the show. The Jamie Knoble love also scores major points w/ me.

 

Is this going to be a weekly thing?

[Guest Banky]

Good read, you hit all the high points on the show.  The Jamie Knoble love also scores major points w/ me.

 

Is this going to be a weekly thing?

Whenever I find the time - probably.

 

Thank you for being the ONLY person to actually say something remotely nice. Bunch of savages in this place.

[The Dames 0]

I enjoyed the shit out of it.

 

Continue.

 

Dames

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Cena wasn't in your power rankings? WTF?

[Yuna_Firerose 0]

I also enjoyed it, extremely good read.

 

Wait...Banky hates me, and thus, that could be seen as sucking up. Ah well...the report still owned.

[Guest AndrewTS]

I also enjoyed it, extremely good read.

 

Wait...Banky hates me, and thus, that could be seen as sucking up. Ah well...the report still owned.

It's quite okay, as most of us hate Banky.

 

Although lately I find myself agreeing with Banky on some things. Should I be worried?

[Yuna_Firerose 0]

Depends on what you agree with, Andrew.

[Guest razazteca]

I request a RAW bitchfest

[The Dames 0]

He's only doing this to out DEAN, DEAN. Unless DEAN starts doing RAW, BANKY~! isn't doing RAW. Besides, there's no CENA~! on RAW.

 

Too many fucking capped words.

 

Dames

[Guest razazteca]

DAMN

[Guest Miss Indy Queen]

Wow this was great! You have to do this every week.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

2. Kurt Angle – I’ll miss you man. Shit, I’m tearin’ up as I type this. Give ‘em hell tiger. Tap that fine ass you got at home nightly…she deserves it. See you at the next Wrestlemania were you’ll avenge Biff’s tainted victory in 10 days.

 

 

That quote may have been the saddest thing I have ever read. Banky is the wrestling equivolent of Harry Knowles.

 

Just kidding, it was readable.

[Guest AndrewTS]

2. Kurt Angle – I’ll miss you man. Shit, I’m tearin’ up as I type this. Give ‘em hell tiger. Tap that fine ass you got at home nightly…she deserves it. See you at the next Wrestlemania were you’ll avenge Biff’s tainted victory in 10 days.

 

 

That quote may have been the saddest thing I have ever read. Banky is the wrestling equivolent of Harry Knowles.

 

Just kidding, it was readable.

Heheh--indeed, Karen Angle is damn hot.

 

Kurt getting plenty of time to spend with his family now is a big positive about this whole situation.

[The Dames 0]

Hell yeah...I can just imagine how Angle had to calm her down after she was pissed at RVD. You KNOW they had some rough sex that night.

 

Dames

[Guest treble charged]

Yeah, I'm sure it was KURT doing the stiffing that night.

 

...

 

OK, that was bad.

[Patty O'Green 0]

This was great! Make sure you do a Wrestlemania bitchfest.

[Guest Banky]

Kurt is one of the finest competitors in the WWE tday. I'll miss the heck out of him. His wife use to be a stripper. Oh yea. I'll do RAW, Smackdown, Velocity, or PPV Bitchfests - it all depends on the Bankman's mood. It'll all get better folks, don't hate it yet.