Meltzer's review of TNA

[Guest bob_barron]

NWA TNA PPV report

 

 

 

[email protected]

 

We're looking for your thoughts on tonight's NWA TNA PPV, so you can leave a thumbs up, thumbs down or thumbs in the middle along with a best and worst match to [email protected].

 

Tonight we are in quest of an elusive species. They were plentiful just a few months ago but due to the error of man contaminating the forest in which it resided, its life blood, known as fans, are dying off at a rapid rate. Tonight we try to find--a good PPV.

 

Raven opened the show sitting on a truck doing a promo. He was jumped on the truck by Jeff Jarrett. We never did find out what happened. Fighting on a truck is awfully dangerous, but the people who think they know better once scripted the Giant to fall of Cobo Arena and he came up unscathed. Yes, wrestling fans don't want realism, they want a Road Runner cartoon.

 

1. Paul London won a four-way elimination match over Jason Cross, C.M. Punk and Kid Romeo to earn an X division title shot at Chris Sabin. Cross pinned Punk after a form of neckbreaker in 5:28. It was at about time that they lost the crowd. But at least they had them early and lots of good spots. Not sloppy at all so this was a step better than most of these X four-ways they've done. Romeo, who looked the best of the four, did a Silver King dive (if he was wearing a mask I'd call it a Black Tiger dive). Cross did an awesome tornillo dive and even showed real fire and a connection to the audience after doing it. Cross did a flip into the ring and then a huracanrana. Romeo pinned Cross in 8:35 with the kiss goodbye, which is the Michael Modest reality check off the middle ropes. At one point Romeo refused to pin London, then missed a splash off the top. London won with a shooting star press that they call the London calling in 11:39. Strong opener.

 

With Glen Gilberti in Australia, Sonny Siaki said he was in charge. The joke was that as he gave his speech, nobody in the SEX locker room paid any attention to him. Julio & Alexis are back with Raven this week after being with Gilberti last week. They acknowledged it in that Raven was mad at them for betraying him for a week. I think he was going to pour Clorox (not sure what it was) down Alexis' throat, but fortunately the camera pulled away.

 

2. Justin Credible & Amazing Red & Slash won a 2-on-3 handicap match over Christopher Daniels & Elix Skipper in 12:11. Before the show they announced that NWA is trying to take back control, so they were making matches putting members of different factions together. On one side, you had Credible (Team Extreme), Red (NWA) and Slash (New Church). On the other side, you had the heels, who were regular tag partners. I love it when a company makes it own brain trust in the storyline look like fools. Daniels & Skipper played heel, which makes sense since they were outnumbered. Believe it or not, the work was so good in this match that it worked in spite of itself. Credible & Slash were "injured" so Daniels & Skipper mainly got heat on Red. We had a dive sequence where Daniels did a tope, and ended up hitting Skipper. Slash did a running flip dive and Red followed with a no hands running flip dive. Red pined Skipper with something approximating a tornado DDT. Crowd was nuts for Red, so instead of getting a big pop for the win, they had Raven run in and DDT Red. Guess the idea is to make sure Raven turns heel, since crowd wants him to be a face really bad. But overall this was really good as well. We were on a roll. But it couldn't last.

 

The next segment was Goldylocks in a cell phone store complaining that her phone didn't work. It was this long skit which ended up with her cutting a promo on the clerk and smashing her phone on the ground and stomping it. What does this have to do with wrestling or storylines you ask? Beats me. Seriously. You can take the stupidest skit on Raw since the necrophilia and HLA (since they actually ran fans off, this would have just bored people silly) and this was twice as bad as any of them, because it never ended. It can best be described as if someone who didn't have a clue about comedy directed a sketch using the theater class in 8th grade and thought they were copying Saturday Night Live.

 

3. Mike Sanders beat Brian Lee in 5:50 by a score of 10-8. They are having a tournament called the Hard 10. We started two tournaments tonight, neither with any brackets. Anyway, the rules of this tournament is that weapons are given to fans, mainly boards and garbage can lids. If a fan gives the wrestler the object, they can use it. Every blow with an object is worth one point. However, if someone goes through a table it's worth five points. First guy to ten wins, but you have to win by two. Seems someone grew up as a fan of ping pong. Lee was winning but he came off the top and went through a table. As terrible as it sounds.

 

New Jack was backstage playing Candy Land with Shark Boy, but cheating like crazy.

 

4. Don Harris & Ron Killings beat New Jack & Shark Boy in 3:11. This is the Asylum tag team tournament where strange partners are put together. It started with the Harris Twins attacking and beating up Killings so he was hurt. New Jack & Shark Boy sensed their chance so they brought Killings to the ring. New Jack tried to wrestle instead of do hardcore and he can be described as rusty. Killings was mainly beaten up until the Harris Twins came out and beat up all three with H-bombs. As they were brawling with New Jack, Shark Boy came off the top, but Killings turned his cross body into a powerslam for the pin. The point of all this is that even though Don Harris tried to lose on purpose, he and Killings advanced. Shark and Killings didn't look bad, but the script made sure this had no chance.

 

Erik Watts did another interview pretending that Eric Bischoff was coming. He also acted as if he had just slept with Goldylocks, saying he needed to return her shoes she left near his bed. She blushed as if she really is sleeping with Watts. I guess they figure the only way people will think Watts is a star is if they think she's sleeping with a hot girl. By the way, they are wrong on both points.

 

5. David Young & Tracy beat Kid Kash & Trinity in 7:47. This is part of the Asylum tag tourney, so Young & Tracy advance. This was explained because Annika Sorenstam is competing with the men this weekend. By the way, there is actually a wrestling story that sort of deals with that. The first time a woman ever competed in a PGA tournament, in 1938, she was paired off with a wrestler in her foursome. I think they ended up sleeping together that night in one of those Akira Hokuto-Kensuke Sasaki stories. The part of Sasaki was played by George Zaharias, who you Lou Thesz fans will remember, and who was not an early drug dealer to the stars. Trinity got some major extensions that looked like a bad idea. Match was better than it sounds because Kid Kash has so much heat and beat up Tracy. Kash had Tracy set up for the money maker when the lights went out. The luchador was on the screen and vowed he would expose his identity next week. Maybe it's Al Perez. Young pinned Kash after a spinebuster.

 

Raven wanted Jarrett to come out. He didn't, so Raven DDT'd Jeremy Borash. Borash sold it great. Some people may have liked that, but that meant Mortimer Plumtree was ring announcer the rest of the show. More importantly, and this became apparent, there was no cheerleader to get the crowd going.

 

6. Chris Harris & James Storm beat A.J. Styles & D-Lo Brown in 9:07. The winner of this match would get into the tournament. It was not a tournament match. Think about this. The tournament is supposed to be feuding people teaming together (Kash & Trinity, Harris & Killings, etc.). So the matchmakers make David Young and nothing happening Tracy and put them in the tourney, but take the best two tag teams in the company and make them alternates, and put them in as a team. Styles and Storm did some very good athletic stuff. But the bout was a disappointment and the crowd wasn't into it at all. Finish saw Young, Daniels and Skipper come out. Mike Tenay explained they were trying to get a double DQ so both teams would be eliminated since the tournament winner gets a title shot. Brown had Storm pinned with the frog splash when everyone got involved. Storm ended up pinning Brown in the confusion.

 

Gilberti did a taped interview. After hearing how this would be a stunning interview, it was such a letdown. Main points were that Gilberti thought Raven wasn't as smart as he thinks he is, and he talks without thinking and lost some brain cells during his long period when he was addicted to drugs. But, he's a good guy. He tried to turn Vince Russo face saying that a 43 year old man with three children doesn't have a pulse on what's happening. He said they need to get rid of the initials NWA because whenever they use it they turn people off because NWA is dead and it should be SEX. He then claimed Jarrett was a great wrestler, but he had neither the look nor the star power that he had. I had to pick myself off the floor when he said that one.

 

7. Sandman NC Sonny Siaki in a Clockwork orange house of fun match in 9:35. They beat on each other with weapons while ref Raven just sat in the corner and did nothing. Both juiced. Crowd was dead except for a loud pop from a weapons shot. It was a total mess to the point that HHH vs. Nash on Sunday was starting to look good. It ended when Raven wouldn't count no matter who pinned who, and wouldn't even stand up. Then Raven DDT'd both guys. The whole locker room ran out. Raven left the building, but was jumped in the back by Red, who did a huracanrana off some boxes on him. they ended up in the ring where Red laid out Raven with a tornado DDT, and came off the top rope with a senton to the floor onto a table. It didn't break, so he went and did it a second time. People were going nuts for Red beating on Raven.

 

I'm not sure the creature is extinct or not. There were definite signs of life in the ring, but outside the ring they are still lost at putting together a product that makes you care about anyone. Well, except Raven and Red.

 

Only thing announced for next week is Kash vs. the Luchador.

[Guest BoboBrazil]

I don't get Meltzer's hate for Watts. He badmouths him in every report. He is pretty entertaining right now to me. I'm amazed he didn't even mention the no dq that happened in the New Jack/Shark Boy vs Harris/Killings match.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Watts hasn't shown anything to anybody yet...in my opinion...

[thuganomics 0]

Oh, how I miss Dame's report tonight. Damn that cablevision!

 

Wow... Sabu's gone again already...

 

So very, very sad... *end sarcasm*

 

But why Red vs. Raven?

[King Cucaracha 0]

Meh, it's not the same without Dames.

 

 

3. Mike Sanders beat Brian Lee in 5:50 by a score of 10-8. They are having a tournament called the Hard 10. We started two tournaments tonight, neither with any brackets. Anyway, the rules of this tournament is that weapons are given to fans, mainly boards and garbage can lids. If a fan gives the wrestler the object, they can use it. Every blow with an object is worth one point. However, if someone goes through a table it's worth five points. First guy to ten wins, but you have to win by two. Seems someone grew up as a fan of ping pong. Lee was winning but he came off the top and went through a table. As terrible as it sounds.

 

Oh...my...god. Haven't we seen something like this before. The Dupp Cup anyone. It's not as bad sure, but I don't get the point of these rules. I mean it'd be easy to win. You just grab a weapon, and keep swinging till you get 10 points.

 

Well, don't really get the feel for the show cause Meltzer's review doesn't fit with me.

[rising up out of the back seat-nuh 0]

Dames>Meltzer

 

That is all.

[Guest Joe_G]

"Dames>Meltzer"

 

No way. Dames could never come up with something as awesomely bizarre as this paragraph.

 

Tonight we are in quest of an elusive species. They were plentiful just a few months ago but due to the error of man contaminating the forest in which it resided, its life blood, known as fans, are dying off at a rapid rate. Tonight we try to find--a good PPV.

[King Cucaracha 0]

"Dames>Meltzer"

 

No way. Dames could never come up with something as awesomely bizarre as this paragraph.

 

Tonight we are in quest of an elusive species. They were plentiful just a few months ago but due to the error of man contaminating the forest in which it resided, its life blood, known as fans, are dying off at a rapid rate. Tonight we try to find--a good PPV.

Either Meltzer's trying to be funny, or he's out of openings. Dames...you need to top this for your next review.

[Mecha Mummy 0]

Meh, it's not the same without Dames.

 

 

3. Mike Sanders beat Brian Lee in 5:50 by a score of 10-8. They are having a tournament called the Hard 10. We started two tournaments tonight, neither with any brackets. Anyway, the rules of this tournament is that weapons are given to fans, mainly boards and garbage can lids. If a fan gives the wrestler the object, they can use it. Every blow with an object is worth one point. However, if someone goes through a table it's worth five points. First guy to ten wins, but you have to win by two. Seems someone grew up as a fan of ping pong. Lee was winning but he came off the top and went through a table. As terrible as it sounds.

 

Oh...my...god. Haven't we seen something like this before. The Dupp Cup anyone. It's not as bad sure, but I don't get the point of these rules. I mean it'd be easy to win. You just grab a weapon, and keep swinging till you get 10 points.

 

Well, don't really get the feel for the show cause Meltzer's review doesn't fit with me.

Actually, I think you can only use a weapon once.

 

Oh, and Red vs. Raven's purpose is to get Raven over as a heel. Red is probably the biggest babyface in TNA, so Raven evenflowing him was to get heel heat on himself because the crowd loves him so much.

[Guest tank_abbott]

David Young & Tracy beat Kid Kash & Trinity in 7:47. This is part of the Asylum tag tourney, so Young & Tracy advance. This was explained because Annika Sorenstam is competing with the men this weekend. By the way, there is actually a wrestling story that sort of deals with that. The first time a woman ever competed in a PGA tournament, in 1938, she was paired off with a wrestler in her foursome. I think they ended up sleeping together that night in one of those Akira Hokuto-Kensuke Sasaki stories. The part of Sasaki was played by George Zaharias, who you Lou Thesz fans will remember, and who was not an early drug dealer to the stars.

 

 

Giga What?

[Guest Lemon Drop Kid]

Kind of sad commentary that their booking Red vs Raven to make Raven a solid heel is a sign of their admission of Red being more over as a babyface than their indestructable redneck champion, Jarrett.

[Guest Vyce]

New Jack was backstage playing Candy Land with Shark Boy, but cheating like crazy.

 

I'm sad I didn't get to see this.

 

It sounds so incredibly bizarre and nonsensical that it instantly appeals to me.

[Astro101 0]

Yea, New Jack was picking from the bottom of the deck...damn cheater.

[Mecha Mummy 0]

"I got Queen Frostine! I got the white woman!" ~ New Jack after picking that card from the bottom of the deck.

 

Bloody hilarious.