1890s RAW #2: A Suspense-full Affair!

[Guest The Czech Republic]

The World-Wide Wrestling and Fisticuffsmanship Federation

 

 

A Mon-day Evening Grappling Exhibition In The Style Of Steak Tartare

 

A Re-View Of The Big Event

 

Our program is hosted by Archibald “The Venerable Kaiser” Lawson. The “Well-Revered” one did not attend the show, pre-sumably due to syphilis. He is replaced by Mr. John, a pleasant colored folk who formerly worked as a sharecropper in Missouri before gaining employment as a humble coach-man. The two presenters of the pro-gram seem to get along quite well! Mr. John joking-ly said the Venerable Kaiser had an affinity for small dogs! The Venerable Kaiser re-torted by threatening to “sell Mr. John up the river.” He did not appear to have the same joking de-meanor.

 

The pro-gram starts with Irvin P.Howell’s “Collection Of Notable Daguerreotypes.” Irwin states that our fine display of sporting has been halted by “Handsome” Cain Calloway. One of the owners of the WWWFF, “Clobberin’” Ivan Bishov, known for his czar-like rule (to be expected from a dirty Slav such as he, this re-porter presumes!) enters with a brace ‘round his mighty draconian neck. Because his partner in operation, “Frigid” Texas McTexan, is running the show in poor form, Bishov has sent “Handsome” Cain to the headquarters of the fine news-paper, The World headquarters to speak with Jameson O’Rorig. Bishov says that he has found a un-seen stack of daguerreotypes documenting the handlebar-mustachioed Calloway hurl-ing “Dutch Boy” Klaus Van Daam into a pit of liquid steel! How-ever, we are left in suspense as to whether the Flemish Wonder was able to avoid certain doom. Irvin P. Howell announces that he fancies a grapple against “Ambigious” Stanford McKinley, a man known for his inclination to make the fe-male species want to breed.

 

 

Our first lock-up is a racy affair! This humble re-porter could not imagine this: the men-folk are tumbling upon the mat with the women-folk! “Clobberin’” Hyman Steiner and Mary Yonkers come to the squared circle, and Mary is certainly pleasing the men in attendance by exposing much of her long gams. Her skirt only went down to her fine knees! Their opponents in this fornication were the Gamete Twins, Test and Delores. Clobberin’ Hyman won the en-counter with a daring new maneuvre that threatened to “bust” the victim’s spine! This innovative new hold is one this re-viewer hopes to see many times in the future. Mary, upon winning, almost displays more of those gams!

 

Another match of great pro-portions is upon us! “Clobberin’” Pierre MacEric, a dashing young lad of the Canadian persuasion, reads “The Scarlet Letter” by the fine Nathaniel Hawthorne, to enter-tain us. Sadly, I was not. But to-night shall render us a fine match nonetheless! Why, here comes his opponent, a lovable street-urchin named Mabel Gonzales, charges to the ring, looking for all the world as if he stole some-thing from the local corner-store and is avoiding being caught. This re-viewer has a good mind to search that miscreant, it is a rare man who can trust a swarthy Iberian. Mabel was able (I real-ize a clever word-play was used!) to win the match not only by pinning MacEric, but also by de-capitating the handsome lumberjack with a knife he had hidden under his top-hat. It was a dis-grace to our fisticuffsmanship, to see blood spurting every-where after a match. The Canadian’s dead body was pre-cariously tossed into an alley behind the armory, for lack of a proper re-ceptacle. It appears our nation’s thirst for violence can-not be satiated.

 

Les Napoleons, two strapping young Frenchmen, come to the pre-mises and tell us that France is superior to us because our “sensationalist yellow media” is fabricating wars and this upsets other nations. According to the Gallic peasant-folk, we consider ourselves a “super-power” above other nations and wrongly accuse others of crimes for our own personal gain. They say their in-spectors have found no reason why we must invade Cuba. This is a dis-gusting affair which I hope never happens to my descendants. Finally, the French, who are ex-pected to be sexually ambiguous by nature, are attacked by a pair of bastard children who give away their father’s in-fidelites by the dis-crepancy in each other’s race.

 

 

We pause our pro-gram for a pro-motional consideration. A corner-store is set up in the ring, as a splendid fe-male specimen buys a package of laudanum, in which the shop-jobber pretends to “se-cretly add” a package of bacon! But alas! The bacon comes free with the laudanum.

 

The By-Products Of Adultery are in the ring awaiting their battle of fisticuffsmanship with the trio of Darwinists. If one thing can be said about these hhheathens, (pardon my sticky key on this old type-writer!) they do possess amazing artistic prowess. Each week, they paint a new painting to re-present themselves in an art form. They put Thomas Nast to shame, they do! Though I wish they would embrace the Divine Creation like most normal Americans, yet they seem to believe that they are God. But the bastard is angry, and gives He Of Three what for! Ortonfield and Floyd try to fight back, but are sub-dued by the opposition’s superior fisticuffs. Now only He Of Three remains standing against both shameful creations of lust. It is then that a most un-orthodox move is in-troduced: He Of Three stood still, emulating the “models” in the popular department-store catalogues, and spewed forth water at his adversaries! The bastards fell the floor, presumably stunned, or dead. He Of Three pinned each with just one finger! Truly re-creational, this man is, and is a testament to this in-dustry of grappling and fisticuffsmanship.

 

 

Soon, yet another grapple is fancied, this time by radical spokes-man T.D.L. DuBois. He does not agree with the passive in-tegration of the colored man into fisticuffsmanship that is favored by Scholarly Thomas. Personally, this re-porter is frightened by DuBois. I suspect he is a Godless socialist. Scholarly Thomas comes to the ring to accept the challenge for grappling, and accuses DuBois of having a “skull like a big ol’ Missuhsipper goober!” He then tells DuBois to “dig it,”and calls him a PATSY! Then Scholarly Thomas dances for our amusement and sings a song.

 

 

We see “Well-Revered” JO pre-paring to speak with “Handsome” Cain Calloway. The inter-view is re-located to a train depot, because apparently The World is not open. Handsome Cain, now sporting a foppish suit and a dandy of a handle-bar moustache, offers JO a gift. Up-on opening the box, he sees it is a rope! Per-haps to choke with. I am not sure how I am viewing an inter-view not being held at the venue, but at this point I have in-dulged in one too many beverages, and such continuity is no longer a concern.

 

”Well-Revered” J.O. asks Cain why he is so angry. “CC” replies that he is mad that he is ugly. “Non-sense,” says J.O. “You are quite hand-some. In fact, that is your name! Handsome Cain!” Cain replied that the Well-Revered one is lying. I agree with the ugly man my-self. Jameson states that Calloway is a “stud.” At this point, Handsome Cain becomes quite up-set! He picks up the rotund O’Rorig, and takes him to the depot where the old Union Pacific tracks run. He then places the syphilis-ridden host on the tracks, and ties him down to the track with a rope! “Now you will feel my pain!” says the ugly mis-named Cain. Curses! The train is coming! Jameson O’Rorig will be hit by a cow-catcher if something is not done! As Handsome Cain twirls his handle-bar moustache and organ music in-explicably plays, death seems imminent for the Well-Revered one. What will happen to J.O.? O’Rorig makes a futile attempt to break free, but can-not muster even the energy of a scalded dog. As the train looms nearer, the pro-gram ends!

 

Vaclav Schmertzek

“The Bohemian Political Entity”

On behalf of The Educated Enjoyers Of Fisticuffsmanship

[Guest Nevermortal]

Oh my god. I fucking love this column. This should seriously go on the site.

[Guest Jobber of the Week]

Now all you need is a bunch of drunk-off-their-ass critics sitting at the bar and bitching about how bad it is.

 

"Who booked this, that Roughneck Russo feller?"

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

I mark for Scholarly Thomas.

 

But I miss his foppish sidekick who fancies a grapple for un-savory means.

[Adam 0]

That is another fucking classic. You are the man.

[Guest Nater]

Great stuff

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

"Syphillis-ridden host".

 

Great stuff!

[Guest Fallen Angel]

Awesome, truly. I laughed all the way through.

[Guest The Czech Republic]

I'm surprised nobody in WCW or WWF thought of having Booker T. feud with W.E.B. DuBois.

[Guest Prototype450]

i can't figure out the modern wrestler's coutner parts except for bischoff steiner austin la resistance and stacy keblier.

[Guest The Czech Republic]

i can't figure out the modern wrestler's coutner parts except for bischoff steiner austin la resistance and stacy keblier.

Scholarly Thomas and Gold-Rush = Booker T and Goldust

Mabel Gonzales = Maven

Clobberin' Pierre MacEric = Lance Storm

The free bacon with laudanum = Free Zelda with Gamecube

Handsome Cain Calloway = Kane

"He of Three" Lester Lowell-Levesque = HHH

Products of Adultery = Dudley Boyz

T.D.L. DuBois = Theodore Long

"Well-Revered" J.O. = "Good ol'" J.R.

[Guest Spaceman Spiff]

You forgot:

 

Archibald "The Venerable Kaiser" Lawson = Lawler

Mr. John = Coachman

Irvin P.Howell = Jericho

"Dutch Boy" Klaus Van Daam = RVD

"Ambigious" Stanford McKinley = HBK

[The Czech Republic 0]

Bump

[Hoff 0]

This was the thread that prompted me to invite you to WDI. Speaking of which, what the fuck; if you can post at this wasteland, you can post at that wasteland. Bitch.

[dutchse.cx 0]

We're not a wasteland ... more like a savannah.

[Your Paragon of Virtue 0]

Am I the only one who thought TCR was banned after reading the title?

[rising up out of the back seat-nuh 0]

This thread owned all our souls.

 

I demand a revival!

[The Czech Republic 0]

I want to get back into it, but truth be told, I just can't watch WWE anymore, and thus have nothing more to base 1890s Raw off of. But if I do bring it back, I'm using Labor Day Raw as a template. Greeeeeeeeeaaaaat show.

[Guest The Winter Of My Discontent]

Ehh, this was overated.

[rising up out of the back seat-nuh 0]

Ehh, this was overated.

Ehh, so were you.

[Guest The Winter Of My Discontent]

Ehh, this was overated.

Ehh, so were you.

so AM I.