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A Cyclone Comet Promo

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In my archiving a while back, I was lucky enough to have one of the great Comet promos in my section. Thus, I present it to you now...


PROMO: Prime Evil Promo!!


(…a dark corridor, somewhere in the old IGNWF arena. From one end of it comes the sound of footsteps… and suddenly three men turn the corner: a grim Fallout in the lead, with El Luchador Magnifico and the Silencer flanking him…)


Fallout: Listen up, minions… we are going to go over the plan, go over our moves, until the two of you are THE most dangerous wrestlers in this fed, because I will NOT allow the Stables title to leave Prime Evil…not now, not ever!


ELM: Si, senor! We shall pulverize those foolish, how you say, Carnies! And we shall be victorious over the Burning Bird of Death in Flight!


Silencer: It'll be a quiet day in hell before we lose to those pathetic…


(Silencer trails off, squinting through the darkness… then suddenly chuckles.)


Silencer: It looks like we can get started early, Fallout… guess which spandex freak I see down there!


ELM: The Falling Star Which Drops Houses On Witches! He dishonors my masked ancestors!


Fallout (growling): Look sharp, you worms… and don't hurt his arm. Otherwise, it won't look as nice when it's mounted over my fireplace…


(The three men stride down the hallway towards their target, which is leaning casually against the wall facing the other way. As PE closes in, finally that glorious champion of right and good, Cyclooone COMET, turns to face them; Prime Evil stops, less than ten feet away…)


Comet: Greetings, citizens! Any crimes to report?


Fallout (grinning ferociously): Just one, but trust me, it'll be an easy one to solve…


(Fallout stalks forward, bringing his fist back; Comet suddenly jumps back into a martial stance.)


Comet: A-HA! You have walked into my incredibly effective trap of justice!!


(Fallout swiftly glances around, expecting an ambush; not spotting anyone, he glares at Comet.)


Fallout: Funny man… you'll be grinning big when I rip your skull out of your mouth…


Comet: Not quite, my fiendish foe! Consider: you came expecting to, as they say in the professional wrestling business, "cut a promo" on me, correct?


Fallout (confused): What are you talking about?


Comet: The tables have turned, criminal! For now… it is YOU who are caught… in a PRIME EVIL PROMO!!


(And with that, Fallout receives a mighty blow from behind, sending him sprawling! He rolls around… and there stand Axis, Rane, and Suicide, all grinning with anticipation! El Luchador Magnifico and the Silencer are nowhere to be seen…)


Fallout: Hell's bells! Where are they?!


Comet: Churlish knave! This is a Prime Evil promo, where even if you are part of a large stable, no one ever rescues you!


(Fallout gets up to his feet… but is promptly pummeled from all sides by Phoenix Uprising! Axis picks him up and throws him like a javelin into the wall; Rane throws him into the ceiling; Suicide grabs chair after chair and nails him with them all! Finally, both Axis and Rane pick Fallout off the ground, and Suicide locks on and nails the Russian Roulette! Fallout collapses to the ground. Cyclone Comet, who has been sitting all this out, now walks forward and stands over Fallout's body!)


Comet: Ha! Now you see, pitiful cretin, how good triumphs over evil! …In fact, I've written an essay to that effect. (whips out a thick ream of paper) Ahem… "From the beginning of the IGNWF, it became clear that all heels absolutely sucked. We can see from various examples…"


(Time passes…)


Comet: "…and then, we saw a new renaissance of faces, as the Junior League was created. One of the most famous, of course, was that noble champion of justice, Cyclone Comet…"


Fallout: Er… can I get up now?


Comet: NO! It's a Prime Evil promo; we've beaten you up, you don't recover until AFTER we cut lengthy promos about how cool we are. Where was I? "…that noble champion of justice…"


(The hours pass… day turns to night, night to day again… until…)


Comet: "…and so, with two heels trying to gain the title who cannot get through a single match without grabbing the mike in the middle and gabbing on for ten minutes, we can clearly see that only a face can truly be a champion. The End." Okay, guys, let's go!


(The four men turn around and start walking away…)


Fallout: That's it? Can I get up now?


Comet: Oh, sure!


Fallout (getting up): Damn, my ears hurt from all that…


Comet: AHA!!


(Fallout looks up as Phoenix Uprising nails a quadruple spear on him, knocking him down the corridor to tumble and crash in a heap! Rane grabs him… ACID RANE! Axis grabs him… FACTOR BOMB! Suicide climbs up a handy ladder… SWAN SONG! Cyclone Comet grabs him… CYCLOTRON! …After that series of finishers, all four faces catch their breath…)


Comet: Foolish nogoodnik! You are not freed of your just punishmet! That was simply another part of the Prime Evil promo, where you make a desperate attempt to counterattack, only to be completely destroyed by our complete superiority and dominance!


Fallout (in pain): Guuhhh…


Comet: Oh, and by the way, El Luchador and the Silencer have both being run over by steamrollers in the parking lot. How can that be, when PU has been here the entire time? Simple...


PU: It's a Prime Evil promo!


Comet: And now, for the coup de grace… Suicide, if you would… it is time for… THE BLADING!


(As Fallout gapes, unable to move, Suicide grins evilly, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out…)


Fallout: …A sponge?? What the hell is that for?


(Suicide grins, then winds up and throws the sponge at Fallout, nailing him in the forehead. FALLOUT IS BUSTED OPEN! BLOOD JETS INTO THE AIR! Soon, the entire corridor is knee-deep in Fallout's hemoglobin!!)


Fallout: …What the <BEEP>?!?! It was a sponge!


Comet: Hey, what can I say? It's your promo, dude!


Fallout: …Look, Molock handled the promos mostly, not me; maybe you should…


Comet: SILENCE, craven amoeba! Your cowardly words are anathema to me!!


Fallout: Hey… you know, you're right! I'm not even talking like I usually talk! …Don't tell me, "Prime Evil promo", right?


(Phoenix Uprising nods.)


Fallout: Wait a sec… I remember… at the end of our promos, we would always find out that we had just been beating on straw dummies with tape recorders shoved up their butts!


Comet: Is that so?


Fallout: Yeah, you damn weaklings! So all I have to do is reach up and turn off the recorder, and then we can end this stupid thing and I can kick your candy-<BEEP>! Now let's see…


(Fallout… well, he, er… well, reaches up and… um, well… let's just say that Phoenix Uprising tries not to look at the contorted figure as he, er… scrabbles…)


Fallout: Dammit, where is it?! I know it's in there somewhere!


Comet: Um, Fallout?


Fallout: Where'd you hide it, you dumb<BEEP>?! I'll find it soon enough…


Comet: Fallout, the promo hasn't exactly ended yet… so technically you're not a straw dummy, you're just, er, you… so you're not exactly going to find a tape recorder, um, where you're looking for it…


(There is an uncomfortable pause… more uncomfortable for some than others…)


Fallout: Fine. I give up. Whatever. Just end this stupid promo and let me die in peace.


Comet: Well, okay…


(And Comet pulls out a shotgun and blows Fallout's head off with an explosive burst of gore.)


Comet: Let that be a lesson to you!


(And the four members of Phoenix Uprising walk off. The twisted and headless body of Fallout, only one arm visible, lies disgustingly (and disgustedly) on the floor…)


(…and suddenly, the scene freezes, and some words appear across the screen: "CYCLONE COMET WINS - PRIME EVIL PROMO BONUS +1000 pts. SAVE NOW (Y/N)?")


(As we pull away, we see that the television screen showing Fallout's untimely demise is attached to a game console, around which are grouped the four heartily-laughing members of Phoenix Uprising. Cyclone Comet proudly puts down the gamepad.)


Comet: Now THAT is a cheat code!


Axis: HA HA HA HA HA! That was too sweet, Comet!


Rane: Heh heh... I'm planning on using just a little of that at Crossfire, when we take their precious Stables title away…


Comet: Now Rane, cheating is WRONG… unless it's one I've specifically put into our IGNWF Genesis video game myself!


Suicide: Okay, cool, now show me the one where I have a flaming kendo stick instead of an arm…


(The four men laugh as Comet saves and restarts, star-wiping the scene…)

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Fallout: Wait a sec… I remember… at the end of our promos, we would always find out that we had just been beating on straw dummies with tape recorders shoved up their butts!


me and exploding chicken were the creators of that little thing.


Funny stuff IMO.

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Guest vitriol

don't take credit for chicken's creation, xero. Just because he did it to you doesn't mean you created it with him :phaser:

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