The One and Only Calvin Szechstein Thread!

[Richard 0]

::Pyromaniac has his desk hauled into the center of the ring as Jump in the fire by Metallica plays ::

 

Shotgun Tom Kelly: Ladies and Gentlemen, the host of the Incinerator, Pyromaniac!

 

Pyromaniac: Thank you for that wonderful welcome. I have a very special show planned for you fine folks. Have you ever had sexual fantasies about characters from the late animated series Goof Troop? Well these people do. Please give a warm welcome to the founding members of the North American Union of Goof Troop Yearners. [two men come to the ring dressed like goof troop characters.]

However, before we get to the interview, I must take a short break. [goes to commercial]

[Richard 0]

[commercial - a young girl walks up to her dad who is sitting at the table eating a hotdog.]

 

young girl: Gee daddy, that's a nice weiner you have.

 

Daddy: [chokes] What the f***. Your mom's trying to set me up again, that fat f***ing bitch!

 

Young girl: What are you talking about?

 

Daddy: Uh... Nothing, nothing at all.

 

Young girl: That hot dog looks yummy, daddy.

 

Daddy: [sighs deeply] Oh that, thank God. Well I'm eating a genuine Farmer Adolf frank. Farmer Adolf has produced qualty meat products since he emigrated in 1945 from central Europe.

 

young girl: But daddy, are they as good as Hebrew National?

 

daddy: Are you kidding? Farmer Adolf's hot dogs are much better. Do you know why?

 

young girl: No daddy, pweese tell me.

 

daddy: Well I could tell you but I think I know someone who knows more about the topic than myself.

 

young girl: Oh daddy, whoever could this person be?

 

daddy: [annoyed] Well if you shut up, I'll show you.

 

[shot of farmer Adolf standing on a farm leaning on a fence] Hebrew National is made by JEWS!!!!!!!!!!

 

[back to kitchen]

 

Daddy: Now do you understand, dear?

 

young girl: Ewww Jews are yucky.

 

Daddy: Yes they are dear. They're also evil.

 

young girl: Hey daddy, you know what else looks yummy?

 

daddy: what honey?

 

young girl: [laughs] Silly daddy, I'm talking 'bout your penis!

 

Daddy: Let's wait until you're mom go to work, okay?

 

Young girl: I can hardly wait!

 

[a young man walks into the shot]

 

man: Well what have we learned here? That's right, meat-eaters are incestuous nazi pedophiles. If this makes you sick, please join PETA. PETA- because only vegans have souls.

 

[fade to black]

[Richard 0]

[commercial- a montage of young attractive people dancing and socializing as Tool's Sober plays]

 

Voiceover: Who would want to be sober with a beer like this.

 

[shot of men drinking beer as hot ladies fondle them]

 

[shot of Coors logo]

Voiceover: Coors- because if you drink anything else, you're a queer.

[Richard 0]

[back to the ring]

 

Pyro: And we're back. We are talking with the founders of the North American Union of Goof Troop Yearners. Well gentlemen, how did this fine organization come together?

 

"Goofy": Well it all began about a decade ago when my son was watching cartoons. In fact it was pretty much a ritual we had. the kid would watch his cute cartoons while I'd be in the kitchen doing crystal..oh sh*t!

 

Pyro: Hey watch your f***in' language, you f***ing assf***er!

 

"Goofy": sorry

 

Pyro: Besides there's nothing wrong with doing Crystal. She's a beautiful woman. Hey wait a minute, she was only like 10 back then! Get off my f***ing set you motherf***in c***s***er!

 

[Pyromaniac chases the two men off with a baseball bat]

 

Pyro: Too many f***in perverts in this world.

Anyway, my next guests are are the complete opposites. Please give a warm welcome to my neighbors, Jimmy and Joey.

 

[two little boys enter the ring]

 

Pyro: Hi kids, have you ever been to a wrestling show?

 

kids: no

 

Pryo: Well I hope this won't be your last. So did you two enjoy halloween?

 

Kids: yea

 

Pyro: That's great. So what did you dress up as?

 

Jimmy: I was spongebob squarepants.

 

Pyro: Well he's no Rocko, but he's got his charm. What about you Joey?

 

Joey: I was a baseball player.

 

Pyro: Well I certainly hope you weren't a Yankee. [laughs] So did you get a lot of candy?

 

Jimmy: We got a lot of candy.

 

Pyro: What was your favorite?

 

Joey: I liked the Rock Candy Crystal Sticks.

 

Pyro: God Dammit! I'm sick and tired of little sh*ts like you making vulgar comments about Crystal. Women are human beings who should be treated with some f***ing respect.

 

[chases the boys away with the bat]

 

Pyro: I never liked those two. Horrible parenting. Let's go to commercial.

[Richard 0]

super: As we speak, two major networks are airing tv-movies based on young white female media darlings. CBS is broadcasting a biopic on Elizabeth Smart, while NBC is showing a movie based on Jessica Lynch's tour of duty. CBS also made news this week by declining to air a miniseries about the Reagans that upset republicans. Why are we bringing this all up you ask? To promote the new motion picture Jessica Lynch and Elzabeth Smart get ass raped by Ronald Reagan from Extreme Associates. Hey if we're going down, we're going down fighting.

[Papacita 0]

Have you ever had sexual fantasies about characters from the late animated series Goof Troop?

 

I'd have done Pete's wife.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm just saying.

[Guest Plushy Al Logan]

::Turns on the showers, and throws all of the soap on the ground::

[alfdogg 0]

*Gives Mario SARS (Suplexes And Russian Sickles)*

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

*Runs out from the back and lays everyone*

 

From Zack: Damn, CWM, I'm glad I wasn't here. Hey guys, was it good for all of you?

 

muahahahaha

[Zack Malibu 0]

*see CWM's post above*

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

*Swears, and goes looking for Zack*

[caboose 0]

::Randomly Diamond Cuts CWM::

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

*Not-so randomly NO SELLS~!*

[Papacita 0]

*randomly contracts computer virus*

[Zack Malibu 0]

*randomly contracts virus*

From Chyna?

 

Ooooh BURN~! (literally, hehehehehe)

[Papacita 0]

*randomly contracts virus*

From Chyna?

 

Ooooh BURN~! (literally, hehehehehe)

Yeah, that's what I get for all that unprotected cyber sex.

 

Bah...

 

*grabs bag of nickels and goes on rampage*

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

*Nails papacita and steals the nickels*

 

AMERICAN CURRENCY I'M RICH!

[Adam 0]

*just watches from the shadows*

[Papacita 0]

*just watches from the shadows*

PEEPING TOM!!!!!!!!!!

[Zack Malibu 0]

::Has OAOAST televise his BIRTHDAY PARTY~!. Calvin winds up with cake in his face after complaining that there are only Coke products to drink.::

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

*CWM gives Zack a gnome for his birthday*

[Adam 0]

*Adam gives Zack a de-push for his birthday*

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

*stunners adam*

[Chuck Woolery 0]

:rids himself of said cake and breaks some suckas in half:

 

:especially mr. t:

[Zack Malibu 0]

::Hits Calvin with his birthday gnome.::

[caboose 0]

::Eats a lot of Birthday cake::

[Guest cobainwasmurdered]

::Hits Calvin with his birthday gnome.::

*Gets mad as you should never abuse a gnome*

[Damaramu 0]

::Hits Calvin with his birthday gnome.::

*Gets mad as you should never abuse a gnome*

*tells his mistreated Gnome slaves to hide behind that potted plant before CWM notices*

[caboose 0]

::Feels ill after too much cake, but will brave Christmas Dinner tomorrow...::

[Richard 0]

In case anyone cares, I'm still alive. I'm dealing with a combination of computer and family problems at the moment. But for now...

 

:ddts Damaramu::