It RETURNS

[Guest Goodear]

“Are you sure about this Tom?” asks the solemn faced Judge William Hearford as the inner circle of The Magnificent Seven meets in order to cook up yet another plan of evil villainy at the expense of the rest of the Smarks Wrestling Federation. Oh what horrible concoction of evil are these evil sons of bitches putting together now and why are they allowing us to see it? Because evil heel shenanigans equate to ratings and all people love it.

 

“Bill, I think I might be as sure of this as I am that Bobby Riley probably rummages through my stuff in the locker room,” returns the current leader of the Magnificent Seven with a confident smile on his face. Cleaning his hair and looking into a mirror as he speaks, Tom checks his teeth for food stains as The Judge and Ejiro look on in heterosexual appreciation.

 

“But don’t you remember the last time we tried to do this sort of thing? Don’t you remember all the pain, horror and frustration that went into the last … ” answers Ejiro Fasaki with the United States Title draped over his shoulder.

 

Tom replies, “Well no of course I don’t Ejiro. I didn’t have to be there after all, since I had such a good man on the ground. A man with unbelievable strength and intelligence! A man perfectly suited to do the deed. A man with no match on the next card and a lot of time to kill.”

 

“Look Tom, NO!” replies the stammering Fasaki. “I did my part last time. It is clearly someone else’s time to carry the groceries and deliver the goods. Besides we are talking a whole new ballgame here. These guys are not going to just let this sort of thing happen without taking some sort of extreme retribution and … and … I do not want to die.”

 

Tom says, “You’re just being paranoid again. Remember the time you thought the waitress at the IHOP was going to try and poison you?”

 

“Well I didn’t have to go the bathroom fourteen times that day because of greasy foods!”

 

“Actually,” replies Hearford, “I think that is exactly why Ejiro. And I am very sure that all that chilly you ate did not help matters.”

 

Ejiro gestures wildly, “Well how else was I to be become the Pope of CHILLY TOWN! Look guys I appreciate the vote of confidence but … no. I am not going in there alone! It is not going to happen okay! NOT GONNA HAPPEN!”

 

“Don’t sweat it partner,” soothes William, “I will be more than happy to help out on this most dangerous mission. Plus, I know just the guy to provide you with all of the backup you will ever need. And I guarantee you that he will not say no to you my man!”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“You gotta be kiddin’ me.”

 

Looking into the smiling faces of Justice and Rule, the Bahamas Bomber known the world wide as Wildchild sighs in disbelief.

 

The Judge answers the question with a question; “Does it look like we are kidding Wildchild?”

 

Looking through his now untied braids Wildchild mutters in his thick accent. “I don wan any part ‘o this you two. Why don you jus leave me outta dis one eh?”

 

“Come on Wildchild, it’ll be fun,” fake laughs Ejiro with all of his might, “besides, it is not like you have a choice. You pretty much have to go along with this.”

 

“Because of tha’ match stipulation thing?”

 

“Because you have the biggest rental car.”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

“I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!” calls out Ejiro as he rides in the back seat of Wildchild’s rented Honda Civic. “How the heck did we get so damn lost?”

 

“Jesus Christ,” mutters The Judge. “D.M.Y. We will just pull over and you’ll get out and ask for directions.”

 

“What?” questions Ejiro, “I’m not driving. I’m not navigating. Why am I the one that has to ask for directions?”

 

“Sigh… because I’m too old to get in and out of this car twenty times a night and no one is going to answer the door to a shoeless Jamaican guy.”

 

“I’m from the Bahamas.”

 

“Whatever…” mutters The Judge in response. “Look either you go and ask for directions or I’ll start having flashbacks again and NO ONE wants that to happen.”

 

Stepping out the back of the car, Ejiro curses the day he ever met these sick bastards as he wanders up to a rather palatial house and gives the door a light little wrap in hopes that someone will come and direct him to the proper way towards his destination. But as the door to the house opens and a thick waft of smoke hits Fasaki in the face, all thoughts of directions turn to thoughts of survival as standing before him is none other than the imposing form of FROST!

 

“What the hell are you doing here, Face?” spits the Icelandic Warrior as Ejiro is stuck in place in shear terror. “No let me tell you exactly where you’ll be in a second if you don’t get out of here. I will jam you so hard into the hurt locker that you will be picking a high school student’s homework out of your ass for the next month. I’ll not only stick you on the job train but I will make you serve drinks in the damn dining car you sack of worthless crap! Now get the hell off my property!”

 

Not waiting a moment longer, Ejiro darts back towards the car and the waiting Judge Hearford and Wildchild. Diving into the car through the windows like a Duke boy on crack Fasaki screams loudly, “DRIVE! DRIVE NOW!”

 

Not waiting a moment to wait for waiting, Wildchild steps right on the gas and the car goes driving off into the moonlight as Ejiro gasps for breath.

 

“What da hell was dat?” questions the Human Hurricane as he rounds the corner.

 

“… Wheeze… cough …. Ivan … Drago… Was going to break me. DRIVE FASTER!”

 

“But we’re sill lost,” questions Wildchild.

 

“Actually that reminds me of the time when the entire country was lost. A time when gangsters roamed free and the people lived in fear.”

 

“Oh no! FLASHBACK!”

 

It was a dark night in the Windy City as I closed in on Scar Face for the final battle between the Untouchables and the Capone crime family…

 

 

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

And that is when Sean Connery said, just like a wop to bring a knife to a gunfight.

 

“JUDGE!”

 

“JUDGE!”

 

“What? Oh sorry guys, my flashback got away from me for a second.”

 

"What did you see this time?"

 

"Christ, I remembered something I wasn't even apart of!"

 

“Well we be hear now.”

 

“Yes we are.”

 

“Won’t they kill us for dis?” questions Wildchild as the three men file out of the car and begin to pull supplies out of the hatch back.

 

“Don’t worry about it Wildchild,” replies The Judge. “They will have no idea who did this to them. After all there must be dozens of suspects that they will look at before they get to us.”

 

“Yeah the only way they will figure out we did this is if we were being taped without our knowledge,” replies Ejiro as a microphone boom lowers into camera frame.

 

“Only one thing left to say boys,” remarks The Judge, “It’s go time.”

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

Stepping out of their hotel for the evening come the towering and powerful forms of Dace Night and Va’aiga fresh from kicking ass and taking names on an amateur basis. Staggering from their early morning revival, Night and Va’aiga hop into their towering hummer before heading to the airport for an early flight to Kentucky. Climbing behind the wheel, Va’aiga turns the key of the car in hopes of getting the long drive out of the way.

 

Vvvverrrrr verrrrr verrrrrrrrrrr verrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

 

“Oh bloody hell…” mumbles Dace just after he guzzles his breakfast of nails and orange juice.

 

“This doesn’t make any sense,” calls out Va’aiga as he continues to try the starter. “Get out and take a look will you Dace?”

 

“Aye,” replies the High Priest of Horrorcore hops out of his passenger seat as Va’aiga pops the hood so Dace can look right at the engine.

 

“How does it look, Dace?”

 

“It doesn’t look like anything.”

 

“Nothing’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing’s here! No BLOODY ENGINE!”

 

“WHAT!” roars Va’aiga as he hops out of the truck and stamps over to where Dace is standing with his hands on his hips. “Where the hell did the engine go?”

 

“Well I’ll be bollixed, someone fucking stole the whole damn thing,” crackles Dace in frustration as he slams down the hood of the huge truck.

 

THUNK!

 

…

 

…

 

“What the hell is that painted on the car?”

 

“… It can’t be.”

 

“… I think it is.”

 

“… That’s impossible.”

 

“… This is not happening.”

 

“Sponge Bob… Bleeding… Squarepants.”

 

 

 

 

TAHHHHDAHHHHH!

[Justice 0]

(Y) @ Something light-hearted and funny being posted. Been a long while. And "Whoo" @ being a small part of the making of this promo.

[Hank Kingsley 0]

GOD BLESS YOU EJIRO.

 

and Judge, too!

 

You are the greatest~

[Rawknight 0]

Out Of Character: Cool promo, though Va'aiga's understanding of the English Language is conspicuous in it's non-absense. I mean Va'aiga would NEVER use the word "doesn't"

 

In Character: I'M GONNA ASSRAPE WHOEVER FUCKED WITH MY CAR WITH A GLASS COATED SPONGE. BOO-YAH!

[Edwin MacPhisto 0]

I'm debating whether the best moment was the Pope of Chillytown or the fact that a Honda Civic was the biggest rental car.

[Crippler Crossface 0]

It's times like these that make me feel good losing the US Title to Ejiro.

 

 

Excellent work, Fasaki. It's fun, and I like it.

[Guest Suicide King]

 

Fun is good!

[TheBostonStrangler 0]

I am in agreement that fun is good.

[Guest Suicide King]

Reminds me of the glory days of the Carnival. O for more light-hearted zaniness!

[Guest Aecas]

Fun is DEFINITELY good.

[Guest Suicide King]

Hell, since I am just a lurker for a few weeks, maybe I'll write something silly. I haven't done anything truly epic since I drugged ELM and Wilson and got them married.

[Guest Goodear]

My favorite moment was Dace's breakfast... but I'm biased.

[Dace59 0]

You drugged my damn breakfast, I don't remember agreeing this this.

 

Seriously, great little promo man. Gotta love the mad fun.

[WrestlingDeacon 0]

Cameos by me are always good. You did forget to note that I was eating a bacon double cheeseburger and was "entertaining" the Hilton sisters inside.

 

Not only is the promo funny, but it's structured, has a purpose and does some decent character development. I love the new spin you put on Ejiro and Judge and their interactions with the along for the ride Wildchild really helps to add an extra dimension of interest. I don't think Justice and Rule would really work as a comedy team, like Deja Vu were, but this does make for a nice change of pace and I think this type of promo is something you guys and the tag division could use right now.