TSA09 0 Report post Posted January 7, 2004 This is just downright horrible. He lost touch, not that he had much to begin with. Who in the hell eats sour cream after it has sat out that long? And who wrestles in a bedroom and doesn't do anything? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted January 7, 2004 ... okay, this actually helped the credibility of his stories more than it hurt, believe it or not. I can see a pair of mental invalids doing these things. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Murmuring Beast 0 Report post Posted January 7, 2004 His prose is pretentious garbage, but surely it's now a gag. Zack, anyone? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest rawmvp Report post Posted January 8, 2004 (edited) Alright, let me finish before you jump to conclusions: As we're making out with cool sourcream in our mouths, she jumps on me, causing my chair, and my bag of goodies in the kitchen to go spiraling onto the floor. Thereafter, she sets both of her knees on each side of my head, and proceeds to give me a quasi broncobuster and follows with, "Now I have you pinned!" Facetiously, I pretended to get myself out of the predicament, but she'd just exert more of her weight on my face. After a few more minutes of struggling, she grabs both of my arms and presses them against the kitchen floor and counts, "one, two, three...I win." Feigning unmitigated elation, she starts to bounce her crotch up and down (keep in mind my face is under it) with her hands held in the air. I quip with, "Ok, you win, but its 2 out of 3 falls." I clasp the bag of goodies -- which is in close proximity -- and take out the chocolate syrup. I pop off the top and squirt it in her face. Pretending to be pissed, she grabs the bottle away from me and squirts me all over my hair and face. We tussle back and forth, making a huge mess in the kitchen -- literally chocolate syrup on the floor, walls, and kitchen table. At one point, she screamed, exclaiming that I blinded her; I stop what I'm doing and try to console her, but she laughed it off, took the front of my pants, pulled it forward, and squirted chocolate syrup down my pants. I tightly gripped her waist and stuck my tongue in her throat as we segued into passionate, aggressive kissing on the kitchen floor. Imagine chocolate syrup and sourcream smudged on our faces amidst an exceedingly sticky, yet tasty kitchen setting. A few minutes later, I say, "Wait, there's more" and take out the boxes of Cheerios and Kix, triggering more laughter and sanguine spunk from Natalie. She takes the Cheerios, rips the box open, opens her mouth, and pours as much of it in her mouth as humanely possible. I rip open the box of Kix, and do just the same. This segued into the dissemination of cereal on each of our bodies, as we wriggled on the floor. We took turns licking the fudge and eating the cereal off one another's bodies -- which was very fun. After a few minutes of that, we realize the mess we've made and quickly concur that a shower is surely a necessity, along with cleaning the kitchen. So, we help each other out in scrubbing, cleansing, and cleaning her friend's kitchen. Once we finish cleaning up our mess, I pick her up and drop her in the shower and turn on the cold water. She bellows obscenities, of course, and I allay her by turning on the hot water faucet. This leads to a make out session in the bathtub and lots of fondling (over the clothes). I try to unbutton her blouse, but she stops me from doing so, citing this reason, "I have strong feelings for you, but I feel if we wait longer, we'll increase the chances of having a meaningful relationship together...if you're the right man for me -- and I think you are -- then you will have me in due time...I like you a lot but I just know too many friends who had bad relationships because they had sex too early...let's take it slow and make it mean more in the long run." While saying this, she seemed nervous in anticipating my reaction. I, however, completely understood and showed this by hugging her and giving her another kiss. We took turns showering -- about five minutes each -- separately. Once we finished showering, we both ended up throwing our former clothes in the trash. I borrowed some of Yelena's father's clothes and she borrowed some of Yelena's clothes. Subsequently, she goes to the kitchen, again, and prepares me some Russian tea. Just as she is about to hand me my cup of tea, the doorbell rings. Who could it be? It had already been a few hours, so common logic at the time would dictate the arrival of her friend or the worst, her friend's parents. As I opened the door, however, I saw a 20-year-old looking blonde guy standing at the doorstep. With a bewildered look, he inquires, "Who in the hell are you." And I say, "Umm...long story, don't ask." He follows with, "Hey dumbfuck, what the fuck are you doing at my girlfriend's house?" I reply with, " Oh, no, there's been a misunderstanding...my girlfriend's friend loaned her house to us for the night...are you here to take Yelena out our something?" He thinks I'm bluffing my ass off, so he tackles me to the floor and clasps my throat as tightly as he could. I was more confused than angry, so I was a bit reluctant about retaliating against someone whom I was an utter stranger to. Natalie starts running towards us in utter shock upon identifying the stranger who was physically harrasing me and shouts, "Oh my God, Jacob, get off him." This Jacob fellow glances at Natalie and fires with, "You fucking bitch...you left me for this piece of shit." Irascible and irate than ever before, he starts whaling at my face as hard as he could, but I, remembering the transgressions that he committed against Natalie, built up an exorbitant amount of adrenaline, reversed his hold -- with the help of an eye-rake from Natalie -- and kneed him in the face until blood started to spurt out of his nose. Talk about fazing a guy; that must have done the trick because he seemed extremely staggered -- mentally and physically -- by the seeming consequence of a broken nose. He even had tears welling up in his eyes as a result of this. With the blood from his nose on my knee, I kicked him three or four times until he tripped and fell on the porch. I closed the door, wiped the sweat off my forehead, and looked at Natalie, who had distressed tears welling up in her eyes as well, and nonchalantly said, "What in the hell was that?" Before I could finish asking the question, she hugged me with the firmest grip I've ever experienced. I was so overwhelmed with the ethereal touch of her body that tears started to well up in my eyes, too. Edited January 9, 2004 by rawmvp Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Murmuring Beast 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 Eye-rake ... Come on, you're cheapening this by the minute. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NYU 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 Ugh, that may have been one of the most unrealistic ones yet. Let me get this straight.....your "girlfriend" was abused by this guy. She's best friends with this other girl Yelena. Now Yelena is going out with this abusive guy, even though your "girlfriend" MUST have told her about how abusive he is? Huh? And once you knocked him out of the house, he didn't try coming back? Didn't knock on the door once again? Dude, he must have felt horrible being punked out by you, so I seriously doubt he wouldn't come back. But the part of this that lacks the most logic is.... At the beginning of the entire thread, wasn't this girl supposed to be pretty cold, unemotional, and a little stuck up. Now, not only does she make out with you in a syrup-filled room, she has no reservations about making out with you in a crowded movie theater? The same girl that had trouble laughing has done a complete 180 and is the EXACT opposite of what she started out as? It doesn't even fit together. But for a fictional story, once again, not bad. I'm sure you could find somebody to buy this novel. .....by the way, why fight with him at all? Just explain your girlfriend was trying to read Harry Potter, and that he was disrupting her reading. I'm sure that would have stopped his urge to fight - it's worked wonders before. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest rawmvp Report post Posted January 8, 2004 Ok, I admit I was being slightly facetious with the usage of wrestling terminology, but if you want the real story, she basically just impaled the former boyfriend's face with all of her nails. She poked as deep and hard as she could. From my vantage point, it looked pretty sick, although no observable damage was done from that. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest rawmvp Report post Posted January 8, 2004 Haven't you heard the expression, "shy girls can be really freaky." Believe me, all it took was a little assurance and assertion on my part to unfurl the sexual turmoil that was being shrouded within her. And, believe it or not, the former boyfriend did not knock on the door or attempt to get me back. One broken nose exposed the pussy he really is. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CanadianChris 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 I vote to revoke this thread's classic status. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Murmuring Beast 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 I'm bored of this. When is she going to die? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NYU 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 Wow.....that must have been one food fight. She's looking gorgeous as always though. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Bottled Black Report post Posted January 8, 2004 Few things I gotta question.. 1) How was the sour cream "cool" after having been in your pocket for so long? 2) You say you took the "goodies" out of the bag. Were they in the bag or your pocket? Make up your mind boy. 3) You grabbed the chocolate syrup and ripped the top off and squirted her in the face with it. What kind of syrup was it, any chocolate syrup I've ever bought had a foil seal under the quirt top. How'd you manage to open the top peel the foil get the top back on and squirt her before she had a chance to react? Otherwise perfect story no holes whatsoever.. EDIT: OlympicHeroRVD that's a great pic. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NYU 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 Few things I gotta question.. 1) How was the sour cream "cool" after having been in your pocket for so long? 2) You say you took the "goodies" out of the bag. Were they in the bag or your pocket? Make up your mind boy. 3) You grabbed the chocolate syrup and ripped the top off and squirted her in the face with it. What kind of syrup was it, any chocolate syrup I've ever bought had a foil seal under the quirt top. How'd you manage to open the top peel the foil get the top back on and squirt her before she had a chance to react? Otherwise perfect story no holes whatsoever.. Well, the answer to all 3 questions is: Love is Magical. Munky: But what about the.... Love is magical! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Bottled Black Report post Posted January 8, 2004 Yes I guess it is.. ** Gets down on hands and knees and worships love ** Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Damaramu 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Dear god! That was without a doubt the stupidest yet funniest thing I've ever read! I had a friend staying the night the other night and he thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever read. Seriously......someone needs to come back to reality.......BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Oh and when the fight started I thought I was going to get the awesome storyline where he accidentally kills her in the ensuing battle....DAMMIT! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 Yeah, that last part killed any hope this had of classic status. Seriously, that was just awful. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 By the way, THIS is a real story: KRAMER: Well, after he heckled Toby, she got so upset, she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky toe. GEORGE: That's unbelievable! KRAMER: Yeah! Then after the ambulance left, I found the toe! So I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice, and took off for the hospital. GEORGE: You ran? KRAMER: No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, "I got a toe here, buddy - step on it." GEORGE: Holy cow! KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, then all of a sudden, this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay is gonna cost her her pinky toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, "Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?" I said, "Well, I got a little prize for ya, buddy - " - knocked him out cold! GEORGE: How could you do that?! KRAMER: Then everybody is screamin,' because the driver, he's passed out from all the commotion...the bus is out of control! So, I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel and now I'm drivin' the bus. GEORGE: You're Batman! KRAMER: Yeah! Yeah, I am Batman! Then the mugger, he comes to, and he starts chokin' me! So I'm fightin' him off with one hand and I kept drivin' the bus with the other, y'know? Then I managed to open up the door, and I kicked him out the door with my foot, you know - at the next stop. JERRY: You kept makin' all the stops? KRAMER: Well, people kept ringin' the bell! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Damaramu 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 Obviously we didn't give him enough time. He couldn't create fast enough. He was creatively gassed. But the demand was so high he just through what he had out to early. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest rawmvp Report post Posted January 8, 2004 (edited) From the time I bought the sourcream to the moment I used it was about an hour, maybe an hour and a half. So, yeah, it was still cool. The goodies were in Vons bags in my pockets. The Hershey's chocolate syrup did have a foil seal on it, as well. She didn't react by trying to deter me because she was waiting for me to respond accordingly. Keep in mind that with all the freaky things we've done, this girl still isn't willing to completely give herself to me which I respect. Edited January 8, 2004 by rawmvp Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
USC Wuz Robbed! 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 You're DON JUAN DEMARCO! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted January 8, 2004 I'm crying now. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Bottled Black Report post Posted January 8, 2004 OK fine so I'll give you the sour cream, and chocolate syrup stories, but another observation. You must have huge pockets to be able to fit a bag containing chocolate syrup, sour cream, and 2 boxes of cereal in them. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MarvinisaLunatic 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 Maybe they are the individual serving size boxes? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Agent of Oblivion Report post Posted January 8, 2004 those things are pointless, unless you mix like three of them together. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Bottled Black Report post Posted January 8, 2004 Maybe they are the individual serving size boxes? Don't give him any ideas, I wanted to see how he explained his way out of it, and even if they were individual boxes, add them to the syrup and sour cream, his pockets would need to be pretty damn big.. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Giuseppe Zangara 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 THREAD HIJACK! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dubq 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 There is this Russian girl in my class, who is from the Ukraine, to be exact. First of all, learn the difference between a Russian and a Ukrainian... then, maybe you'll have a chance with her. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest SP-1 Report post Posted January 8, 2004 Would you guys like for me to write a badass ending? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Bottled Black Report post Posted January 8, 2004 It definitely can't get any worse than the "truth" I say go for it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
