Explain THIS TO ME

kkktookmybabyaway · February 5, 2004

Don't start silly rumors of dissention because there is none.

Whatever you say.

Sooooooo, who wants to see pics of Tom's mom that Sass sent me?...

February 5, 2004

Are they the same ones APO bought off of that prime guy?

kkktookmybabyaway · February 5, 2004

Nah, those were just pics BPS found off the Internet...

k thx · February 5, 2004

Don't start silly rumors of dissention because there is none.

It's the last thing I need right now.

Dames

Au contraire.

I believe the last thing you want right now is a 50 metre high spider with a gun.

chave

February 5, 2004

Thanks, Dames.

I'll post my last post later today or tomorrow.

If I ever had a Mexican (or hispanic) posse to lead me into battle against the "sinister" Russians, Dames would be my leader.

Edit: Oh, and btw, Natalie isn't an exchange student. She, along with her parents and younger brother, moved here ten years ago. She was 9-years-old then; she's 19 now.

Edit II: And out of curiosity, what do you guys expect to read in the finale?

Downhome · February 5, 2004

I still want to know just why in the world the thread is going to be closed as long as people are still wanting to talk about it.

k thx · February 5, 2004

Edit II: And out of curiosity, what do you guys expect to read in the finale?

Big fucking dinosaurs.

Damaramu · February 5, 2004

Nobody tell him what we want to read because he's just going to turn that into the finale and say "Wow what a coincedence!"

Downhome · February 5, 2004

His final post should simply be...

"And then I woke up, and OMG, it was all just a dream!"

Art Sandusky · February 5, 2004

Since I got your sorry-ass story reinstated, I demand to have Natalie, Yelena, and their mothers all to myself while the Mexican and Russian gangs take notes and you cry in the corner whilst masturbating with a mixture of sour cream and peanut butter.

Art Sandusky · February 5, 2004

His final post should simply be...

"And then I woke up, and OMG, it was all just a dream!"

No, it would go like this:

(RAWMVP wakes up, sitting straight up in his bed, scene changes to his bedroom, complete with WWE festoonery and various archaic communist posters. He speaks with a mixture of fatigue and disappointment.)

RAWMVP: It was all a dream...

(RAWMVP looks at the foot of his bed, where the dead body of a young Russian woman is lying across the width of the bed.)

RAWMVP: OR WAS IT?

(curtain)

Downhome · February 5, 2004

His final post should simply be...

"And then I woke up, and OMG, it was all just a dream!"

No, it would go like this:

(RAWMVP wakes up, sitting straight up in his bed, scene changes to his bedroom, complete with WWE festoonery and various archaic communist posters. He speaks with a mixture of fatigue and disappointment.)

RAWMVP: It was all a dream...

(RAWMVP looks at the foot of his bed, where the dead body of a young Russian woman is lying across the width of the bed.)

RAWMVP: OR WAS IT?

(curtain)

Touch.

Well, maybe you should add in some more big words though.

Art Sandusky · February 5, 2004

Trust me, his vocabulary was all part of the dream also.

February 5, 2004

This story lacks Patrick Duffy, he needs to come in at some point.

February 5, 2004

Edit II: And out of curiosity, what do you guys expect to read in the finale?

Dude, do you understand that this is just your final post and your life will continue after it ? You don't exist in a bizarre alternate reality where you cease to exist once you stop posting here....

Anyway, if this next story sounds like a "season finale" which I think it will, we will have proof #83 that this thread is full of bullshit...........

rawmvp, after your thread is locked, please open a blog !!

Downhome · February 5, 2004

This story lacks Patrick Duffy, he needs to come in at some point.

Yeah, Patrick Duffy and celery.

February 5, 2004

I swear, he better at least stay in character for the final post. If he says it was all a dream, or admits he's been "playing along" lately or something I'm gonna be pissed. The last chapter better still involve horny Russian girls, racist stereotypes of mexicans, defunct mob organizations and RawMVP standing up to someone and changing their outlook on life with a well timed burst of insight and 13 letter words.

No stepping out of character- ok? That ruins everything.

Styles · February 5, 2004

:cheers: Good call on reopening the thread. I must say though that if the thread is still extremely active, and many people come to the board for it, I don't see the need to lock it so quickly, just harmless fun, but I guess a Classics induction is a good consolation.

What do I expect? You 2 finally hook up and....she's a MAN, BABY!

Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye · February 5, 2004

rawmvp IS Natalie...

NYU · February 6, 2004

THE ENDING TO THE STORY THAT HAS TOUCHED US ALL:

The congregation of alien spacecrafts began to slowly maneuver over our city. I clutched Natalie close to my chest as we stared up at the impending doom in the sky. We could see the underbelly of these monstrosities, and the trepidation that ran through my veins was shocking in its ferocity. However, I remained strong for Natalie. I refused to let her smell the scent of fear from my pores. Instead, I had made sure that she would smell the sweet aroma of Axe Phoenix bodyspray. Hell, if it works for mannequins, I knew it would do wonders for my sour-cream vixen.

The principal spaceship stopped its movement and proceeded to hover over City Hall. Suddenly, the sky burst with a green flash that was dazzling to the eyes. Never before had I seen such an omnipotent, yet alluring, spark. While the momentous road Natalie and I had paved for ourselves was filled with covetous boyfriends, unruly Mexicans, bloodthirsty Russians, boisterous football players, and inadequately prepared chicken ravioli, I knew this would be the worst challenge we had ever faced. The chasm in the center of the extraterrestrial transportation opened, and an unbelievable lifeform slowly descended to the ground. I immediately had flashbacks of the Undertaker at Royal Rumble 1994, as this being not quite from our world stood in the sky. Natalie’s mouth was opened in a gape of astonishment and horror, and I soon found myself having to be extraordinarily restrained from jamming my tongue in her mouth and swishing her lip juices through my gums.

Once this space invader had finally reached the safety of the green germination that spurts from the ground, I was taken aback by its appearance. Its two eyes immediately signaled that annihilation was this creature’s strongest desire. The alien’s skin was grotesque, a leathery mixture of green and gray, veins nearly popping out of the outer membrane. The scariest feature of this lifeform was the mouth, oh god, the mouth. The lips were cracked and humorless, and immediately, I knew that it had never once experienced the light touch and sensuality of a woman, be it a human or one from its own species. This incident was so terrifying that I could feel my bowels quickly releasing silent spurts of feces into my Calvin Klein boxers. But fear not, TSMers. I could see Natalie grimacing next to me, and I knew she was suffering through the same fate. At that point, I knew we had a deep connection and were truly in love.

Finally, the alien opened its mouth and the townspeople continued its stunned silence.

“SILENCE EARTHLINGS!” the voice boomed. Immediately, a passion of bloodthirsty rage and wrath coarsed through my veins. Who did this eyesore think he was?! I was ready to march over there and kick his space-traveling behind until I felt Natalie grasp my arm. She did not want me to permanently destroy the earth’s relations with other creatures of the galaxy. I looked into her soulful eyes and knew that if we made it out of here alive; I would want her to be my wife. However, I knew what had to be done. I unclasped her arm from mine and politely excused myself to the front of the crowd meeting. Throughout this, the strange being in front of City Hall continued to speak.

“Earthlings, I am here for a reason. For too long, Earth has been the absolute dregs of the universe. The beings on Earth are devoid of class, elegance, and testicular fortitude. This is why, effective immediately, your planet will be destroyed. But oh no, human beings, don’t blame us. You brought this fate onto yourselves. YOU BROUGHT THIS HARROWING AND TRAUMATIC FATE TO YOURSELVES WITH YOUR MTV……YOUR BET……YOUR WWE…….oh no. We from the planet Glorgon didn’t screw Earth. No. Earth screwed Earth.”

As this organism initiated its rise back to the spaceship, I commanded him to come back down. With a smirk, he ceased his ascension, planting his two feet back onto the ground. With a deep breath of simultaneous trepidation and confidence, I spoke.

“Please sir, madam, whatever your sexual preference may be. We are not a dangerous population of people. Earth is the greatest place I’ve ever lived. Sure, we may not be unbelievably polite…..or courteous…..or perhaps even civil……but by gosh, we’re ourselves and you, as part of this galaxy, should be able to respect that. Whether it be vodka-drinking, fun-loving Russians……or rambunctious, grammatically-incorrect Mexicans…..or math-intelligent, can-collecting Asians…..we are a respectable society and we should be treated as such. But perhaps our planet isn’t the problem. Perhaps it is…..your society.”

The eyes of the aliens morphed from pools of obliteration to lakes of bewilderment.

“The people on this planet know how to care….how to love. Take my exquisite girlfriend Natalie. Before her, I was a nobody. I was a hitchhiker on the path to oblivion, no ecstasy or glory seemingly in sight. But then I met her on that fateful day in college, and now, I fear that every single breath she takes may be her last. But alas, this is love. Do you not know how this feels? If you don’t, it may do wonders for your bloodthirsty manner if you did. You, sir, do not look happy….but I guarantee that, with a love in your life, all your fears will vanish, climbing into that vast flying saucer in the sky.” Although we were hundreds of feet away, I could feel Natalie winking at me, her smile reaching across the corners of the world.

After a minute of silence, the alien opened its mouth bit by bit. Finally, he spoke, his voice a complete contrast from the echoing boom that once crossed the land a few moments ago.

“We…….have a lot to learn. Thank you, Earthling. Your relationship with Natalie has shown us the error of our ways. Perhaps I will seek a relationship with Malgamex after all. Her chesticles are simply intergalactic. Earth is safe for now – and it’s all thanks to you. Thank you for forever changing my life, giving me a reason to wake up in the morning. You have rejuvenated my soul, and for that, I am eternally grateful. Good-bye sir, and good bye all.”

The mysterious creature was beamed back into his unidentified flying object and, in the blink of an eye, he and the other atmospheric vessels zoomed out of the milieu. Natalie pierced through the crowd still gathered with mouths agape, and jumped into my arms. I kissed her with more passion than a thousand Latin Lovers, but promptly dropped to one knee. I pulled a small, velvety black box out of my pocket and….

I don’t need to say it.

She accepted.

I saved the universe and – in the end – got the only girl that ever gave my life a purpose.

Natalie and I are to be wed.

And it’s thanks to those here at TSM that attempted to aid me with their advice.

Thank you all.

Love truly is magical.

Forever yours…..

Rawmvp.

justsoyouknow · February 6, 2004

Bold prediction: That ending is much better than the crap that rawmvp will feed us.

Nicely done, I was amused the entire way through.

February 6, 2004

THE ENDING TO THE STORY THAT HAS TOUCHED US ALL: