Bane & Seven from OVW

[Steviekick 0]

Why the hell did they change Lance Cade's name to Garrison anyway? JR even calls him Lance every week on Raw.

They didn't want 2 Lance's on the same show, so Storm could keep the name. Gerwitz' infinite comic book geekdom mad him associate Lance Cade with Batman character Garrison Cain, and the rest is history...

[Tawren 0]

The announcing would write itself:

 

JR: Now Fertig, what do you think of your brother in this match?

 

Fertig: My shoes light up when I walk!

 

JR:....... Um, anyway...

Then as Austin does a Stunner on Bischoff:

 

JR: STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!

Special K: I made a weird mess in my pants.

King: You're not the only one here to, Fertig!

Or, to rewrite it:

 

Austin stunners Fertig

JR: STONE COLD, STONE COLD!

King: Oh my god, Fertig wet his pants!

JR: So did I!

[Guest wrestlingbs]

And how about HHH turning down Fertig's challenge for the title, making Fertig cry. HHH realises how muchwrestling means to Fertig, and should mean to him. So he declares it "Fertig Day" and gives Fertig a shiny plastic toy belt for him. He names it "the intercontinental championship."

[the pinjockey 0]

Eventually, Fertig could end up with a championship match. And everyone in the back wants to be the ones to interfere and help, causing a huge riot. So Fertig gets a microphone and says he doesn't want help, because cheaters never win. Then he proceeds to win the match on his own. Thus teaching everyone a valuable lesson about fair play leading to success.

[Golgo 13 0]

The announcing would write itself:

 

JR: Now Fertig, what do you think of your brother in this match?

 

Fertig: My shoes light up when I walk!

 

JR:....... Um, anyway...

No. I'd imagine JR would be just like your average citizen from the '50s, where he thinks Fertig's behaviour is him "acting up." As JR prepares to take a switch to Fertig, Tomko saves him and explains to JR about Fertig's problems in a touching moment.

[Tawren 0]

Eventually, Fertig could end up with a championship match. And everyone in the back wants to be the ones to interfere and help, causing a huge riot. So Fertig gets a microphone and says he doesn't want help, because cheaters never win. Then he proceeds to win the match on his own. Thus teaching everyone a valuable lesson about fair play leading to success.

Unless HHH gives him a shitkicking. Imagine the heat as HHH beats him down and all the wrestlers try to run out, but Fertig keeps motioning for them to go to the back.

 

Imagine that heat.

[The Czech Republic 0]

Maybe Fertig could do a Flowers For Algernon storyline where TomCo invests in a procedure that would artificially make Fertig a clever and good wrestler. But as the artificial ability wanes, Fertig realizes he cannot live like this, and his former retardation is inevitable, and he'll soon have to work at the bakery again.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

*Austin gives Fertig a beer*

 

*Fertig doesn't want any*

 

*Austin looks at the crowd*

 

*The crowd shakes their heads*

 

*Austin looks down in disgust... then slowly raises his head with a sick grin on his face*

 

JR: BAH GAWD STUNNER! HE STUNNERED A POOR DEFENSELESS RETARD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! NEVER HAVE I SEEN ANYTHING THAT HORRIBLE AND DISGUSTING IN MY LIFE! ... But-that's-the-rattlesnake-god-blessum!

[Slayer 0]

Why the hell did they change Lance Cade's name to Garrison anyway? JR even calls him Lance every week on Raw.

They didn't want 2 Lance's on the same show, so Storm could keep the name. Gerwitz' infinite comic book geekdom mad him associate Lance Cade with Batman character Garrison Cain, and the rest is history...

And who the hell is Garrison Cain?

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

And when Fertig becomes smart again, he turns his back on all of his friends and mocks their stupidity... and when he slowly becomes dumb, they are still there for him.

[the pinjockey 0]

Then Jericho comes out and chuckles in Fertig's direction.

 

JR: Damn that Jericho. No respect for the handicapped. Damn him bah gawd. Austin will teach him some respect.

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

The final scene has Fertig looking down at a rubix cube (something he did when he was *smart*) and a tear rolls down his eye.

[Slayer 0]

So we went from Of Mice and Men to Awakenings?

 

you guys are something else

[The Czech Republic 0]

I think TomCo should acquire the WWE and make it All Fertig, All The Time.

 

HHH: Dammit! Just as I was in line to take it all! Damn you, economy.

[The Czech Republic 0]

So we went from Of Mice and Men to Awakenings?

 

you guys are something else

Don't forget Rain Man and Flowers For Algernon. And if we can get some more gold nuggets in this baby I'll move to retire this to Classics.

[Guest wrestlingbs]

The final scene has Fertig looking down at a rubix cube (something he did when he was *smart*) and a tear rolls down his eye.

Man, that's better than my idea of "Fertig is just playing retarded."

[Tawren 0]

Idea for a swerve: it's TomCo's fault that Fertig became retarded. He was driving the car that crashed into Fertig's tricycle. Because he was on pot.

 

Then we can have TomCo preach on how drugs are bad. Hooray!

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

So when does the "new retard" come into town named Hertig and takes the spotlight away from Fertig? And Fertig gets jealous and tries to eliminate Hertig...

 

Vince McMahon: Ok now, break it up.

[Tawren 0]

So when does the "new retard" come into town named Hertig and takes the spotlight away from Fertig? And Fertig gets jealous and tries to eliminate Hertig...

 

Vince McMahon: Ok now, break it up.

They can have a hog pen match.

[Guest wrestlingbs]

Idea for a swerve: it's TomCo's fault that Fertig became retarded. He was driving the car that crashed into Fertig's tricycle. Because he was on pot.

 

Then we can have TomCo preach on how drugs are bad. Hooray!

And Fertig finds out, and he doesn't want to be around his brother.

 

Fertig: No, go away, NO You're BAD! (cries)

[Slayer 0]

So we went from Of Mice and Men to Awakenings?

 

you guys are something else

Don't forget Rain Man and Flowers For Algernon. And if we can get some more gold nuggets in this baby I'll move to retire this to Classics.

Have we covered every retard movie then?

 

Wait, where's Forest Gump... or The Other Sister... we need a female retard for Fertig to bang

[the pinjockey 0]

HHH could come back by having him play retarded to get friendly with Fertig and start putting ideas in his head. Then everyone tries to convince Fertig that HHH isn't his friend, but Fertig cries because HHH is the only one who understands what it is like to be him.

[the pinjockey 0]

So we went from Of Mice and Men to Awakenings?

 

you guys are something else

Don't forget Rain Man and Flowers For Algernon. And if we can get some more gold nuggets in this baby I'll move to retire this to Classics.

Have we covered every retard movie then?

 

Wait, where's Forest Gump... or The Other Sister... we need a female retard for Fertig to bang

Must....resist.....Lita joke.

[Golgo 13 0]

Idea for a swerve: it's TomCo's fault that Fertig became retarded. He was driving the car that crashed into Fertig's tricycle. Because he was on pot.

 

And that's when he cleaned himself up, went back to school and became the founder of TomCo that we all know today.

[Tawren 0]

Idea for a swerve: it's TomCo's fault that Fertig became retarded. He was driving the car that crashed into Fertig's tricycle. Because he was on pot.

 

Then we can have TomCo preach on how drugs are bad. Hooray!

And Fertig finds out, and he doesn't want to be around his brother.

 

Fertig: No, go away, NO You're BAD! (cries)

And they can reconcile when TomCo risks bankruptcy to save Fertig's live (from, say, a tree falling on him. How that risks bankruptcy I don't know) and Fertig learns that TomCo loves him.

[The Czech Republic 0]

All Fertig, All The Time also means program-interactive, cross-promotional commercials! Special K just wanders into ads during breaks on Raw.

 

VOICE: "You know what you don't see in car commercials? Real cars."

FERTIG: "THE BABY! I SEE THE BABY!!"

VOICE: "Ah Christ! You ruined it! That's a car, not a baby. And that commercial stopped running in what, July? Tard."

[RavishingRickRudo 0]

I tried to play-up Gump with Terri saying "Have you ever been with a girl before?"... but then I don't think Fertig takes Home Economics so I couldn't really go far with it...

[Guest wrestlingbs]

"Idea for a swerve: it's TomCo's fault that Fertig became retarded. He was driving the car that crashed into Fertig's tricycle. Because he was on pot."

 

And that's when he cleaned himself up, went back to school and became the of founder TomCo that we all know today.

And then TomCo can have a very special talk with Jeff Hardy about his drug abuse.

 

TomCo: Jeff, drugs are not the answer.

 

Jeff: Want to buy some poetry?

[Tawren 0]

I tried to play-up Gump with Terri saying "Have you ever been with a girl before?"... but then I don't think Fertig takes Home Economics so I couldn't really go far with it...

Fertig should be in Welding. Imagine the adventures there.

[The Czech Republic 0]

HHH could come back by having him play retarded to get friendly with Fertig and start putting ideas in his head. Then everyone tries to convince Fertig that HHH isn't his friend, but Fertig cries because HHH is the only one who understands what it is like to be him.

And then after HHH has tricked Fertig into thinking he is retarded just like him, he whacks Special K in the head with the sledgehammer.

 

HHH: "I am the cerebral assassin-uh, and your brain-uh was dead already-uh."

 

(poses, spits water)

 

No, that's not enough

 

(takes Fertig's Hi-C juice box, poses, spits Ecto Cooler)