Queer Eye for the Fandom Guy [amusing little fic]

[Yuna_Firerose 0]

Queer Eye for the Fandom Guy

I stumbled across this, quite amusing. Credit goes to Live journal user yahtzee63, thankyou!!!!

 

 

Subject one: Fox Mulder

THOM: Ohhhh-kay. For the record, you can make a coffee table out of almost anything: a door, an ottoman, old steamer trunks. You cannot make a coffee table out of stacks of porn videos.

 

MULDER: That’s not a coffee table. It’s just -- convenient.

 

TED : Guys, do NOT sit on the sofa. (Thom quickly begins covering the sofa in Saran Wrap.)

 

MULDER: Probably wise.

 

CARSON: Let’s talk about this closet. I’m not seeing anything too scary here. That’s because I’m only seeing one thing here. Tell me, Fox -- GREAT name -- what do you wear to work?

 

MULDER: Dark suit, conservative tie.

 

CARSON: What do you wear when you go out in the evenings?

 

MULDER: Like to meet informants? Dark suit, conservative tie.

 

CARSON: And for a date?

 

MULDER: Date?

 

THOM: The rest of the apartment is like some Soviet décor gulag -- but the bedroom is fantastic! Who did this for you? Because, let’s face it, you didn’t do this yourself.

 

MULDER: Kind of a weird story, really --

 

 

Subject two: Blair Sandburg

 

KYAN: Okay. You have chosen to wear your hair this way because -- why?

 

BLAIR: I don’t know. It’s always been curly. It’s this or white man’s ‘fro.

 

CARSON (sotto voce): And this is NOT white man’s ‘fro?

 

KYAN: Don’t get me wrong; I salute you for avoiding the ‘fro option. But you can’t just give up. You have to say, I’m willing to fight this. I’m READY to fight this.

 

BLAIR: I didn’t think it was that bad.

 

KYAN: Science makes bold leaps forward in hair-care every day, Blair. Waxes. Spray starches. Japanese thermal straightening. We have the technology.

 

 

Subject three: Captain Jack Sparrow

 

CARSON: Okay, this is your normal everyday look? This isn’t, like, terror drag?

 

JACK: Oh, this old thing. (Holds out the sleeves of his coat, tosses his hair.)

 

CARSON: Well, the good side is, you’re not afraid to take chances. We can work with that.

 

TED: Come and take a look at the bar. We’ve tried to provide a little more variety, a little more finesse -- some top-brand vodka for mixers, a nice brandy --

 

JACK: Where is the rum?

 

TED: Rum -- you know, rum’s nice in a pina colada or something like that, but it’s a little downscale, and if you’ll just consider --

 

JACK (pulls out musket): We’ll be putting the rum back, mate.

 

TED: And the rum goes back.

 

 

Subject four: Lex Luthor

 

KYAN: Looks like I’m sitting this one out.

 

THOM: The stained glass, the statues -- I feel like I’m visiting a museum, not hanging out at a friend’s house.

 

LEX: I don’t like my possessions stored away in vaults. Wealth isn’t real unless you can see it. Unless you can feel it.

 

JAI (stares long and hard): Are you SURE you belong on this show?

 

LEX: Maybe.

 

CARSON (sticks his head in from the hallway): This man’s closet is FULL of silk shirts in soft pastels and deep purple.

 

LEX: Okay. Maybe not.

 

 

Subject five: Legolas Greenleaf

 

KYAN: Most guys with long hair don’t put in the time to condition properly, but you have, which is kind of the saving grace here.

 

LEGOLAS: Elves have no split ends. Our hair is, like the rest of our bodies, perfect and unchanging.

 

KYAN: Well, it’s past time for changing, because this look hasn’t been in since -- well, ever.

 

CARSON: Also, when you combine it with this outfit you’ve got going? The overall effect is very Cathy Rigby as Peter Pan. Not sexy.

 

JAI (gestures toward the windows, which are lined with screaming girls, all clawing at the glass): I’m not sure this guy has a big problem with that.

 

LEGOLAS smirks.

 

 

Subject six: Angel

 

The FAB FIVE stare.

 

KYAN: He uses product.

 

CARSON: The jacket, the pants, the shirt -- it all works.

 

THOM: Why are you even here?

 

ANGEL: Cordelia made me. She wants your autographs.

 

KYAN: It’s like he’s the One Straight Man foretold by prophecy.

 

ANGEL (grimaces): Please, no prophecies.

 

CARSON: For the first and only time, I’m going to say it -- Don’t change a thing.

 

ANGEL: Can I go now?

 

 

Subject seven: Magneto

 

JAI: Okay, I feel like you’re giving off really hostile vibes. What is the image you’re presenting to the world? What are you trying to communicate?

 

MAGNETO: That humanity’s time is over, and that they will soon be crushed under my heel.

 

JAI: Negative, negative energy. You’d be a lot happier if you’d try something just a little lighter, a little more colorful. And so I thought we’d start with your name. "Magneto" -- so harsh, and frankly, it sounds like you’re trying just a bit too hard.

 

MAGNETO: I no longer wish to be known by my human name.

 

JAI: I get that. So I just want to show you -- we switch two letters around, and we get something so much brighter: "Magento."

 

MAGNETO: I’m going to have to kill you all now.

 

CARSON: Not before you explain this helmet.

 

 

Fab Five visits Hogwarts:

 

KYAN: This hair -- this is not good. When did you last wash this?

 

SNAPE: I have more important matters to attend to than hairstyles, frivolous fool.

 

CARSON: Starting with the wardrobe choices. Green is not your color.

 

KYAN: You're a potions master, right? You can whip up a little Selsun Blue sometime. Try it.

 

SNAPE (smiles wickedly): I did put together -- this.

 

The Fab Five stares at the bubbling cauldron.

 

TED: That is the most disreputable Pinot Noir I've ever seen.

 

SNAPE: It's not wine, you imbeciles! It's a potion.

 

JAI: And that would be a potion that does -- what?

 

SNAPE: Those exposed to it develop a lifelong affinity for -- polyester.

 

THOM: Run! Run! Now! Now!

----------------------------------------------

Totally silly, ja, but kinda cute. Most of the subjects were lost on me, since I don't watch those fandoms, but the Jack Sparrow and X-Men fandoms were totally my faves [well, duh].

[Damaramu 0]

Don't we have a forum for this?

[Bruiser Chong 0]

I don't think we have a "Pile of Shit" forum, Damaramu. I swear 90% of Yuna's posts involve either X2 or Queer Eye.

[Guest Flyboy]

I would just post "DIE", but being that that isn't looked high upon around here I'll just say "HURT YOURSELF... REPEATEDLY".

[Yuna_Firerose 0]

Well, I found it funny, at least. Just something.....different.

 

I even made an icon from it. Just cuz I was totally bored.

[Damaramu 0]

That's it.

*starts a "no more gay fantasies" chant*

[Downhome 0]

Are you even able to talk about anything else other than gay fantasies shit?

 

Is it even possible for you?

 

I'm not meaning to be an ass, but seriously, it's all you ever fucking talk about. The only reason you even talk about X2 it seems is because you like Allan Cumming, and that's just because he's gay.

 

Ugh.

 

*continues the "no more gay fantasies" chant*

[Yuna_Firerose 0]

That's it.

*starts a "no more gay fantasies" chant*

What the fuck does gay fantasies have to do with the icon? I have no intentions of trying to slash these two; hell, it's not even possible. I just thought it was funny, as was the fanfic, so excuuuuuse me for trying to make the board people laugh.

[Yuna_Firerose 0]

Are you even able to talk about anything else other than gay fantasies shit?

 

Is it even possible for you?

Umm....yes, yes it is. I believe I talked [or, more like ranted] about rap crap in the music thread. I posted something in the Hulk thread about some of the reasons I liked X2...or some other thread.

 

I'm not meaning to be an ass, but seriously, it's all you ever fucking talk about. The only reason you even talk about X2 it seems is because you like Allan Cumming, and that's just because he's gay.

Ummm...nein.

 

I like X2, not only because of Nightcrawler, but because it's a great sequel. Great action, great use of the effects, and a great story. For each character, we know why they're doing the things they do. Plus, after reading the book, I got to further understand the characters [and I suggest the book to any fan of the movie].

 

As for Alan Cumming...it's not just because of his sexuality that I like him. In fact, I didn't even know who he was until after X2. After X2, I was curious to know more about him and his other works, thus, I rented as much stuff as I could [thus begins my usual routine for an obsession].

 

I liked him especially in the first Spy Kids; Floop, in my opinion, is a great character. It's his childlike innocene, I suppose. Kinda the same reason I like Edward Scissorhands [i didn't see the whole movie yet, so I don't know if Edward changes in the end or not].

 

EDIT: Oh, and Alan Cumming isn't gay. He's pansexual; there's a difference. Look it up.

Edited December 31, 2003 by Yuna_Firerose

[Damaramu 0]

Are you even able to talk about anything else other than gay fantasies shit?

 

Is it even possible for you?

Umm....yes, yes it is. I believe I talked [or, more like ranted] about rap crap in the music thread. I posted something in the Hulk thread about some of the reasons I liked X2...or some other thread.

 

I'm not meaning to be an ass, but seriously, it's all you ever fucking talk about. The only reason you even talk about X2 it seems is because you like Allan Cumming, and that's just because he's gay.

Ummm...nein.

 

I like X2, not only because of Nightcrawler, but because it's a great sequel. Great action, great use of the effects, and a great story. For each character, we know why they're doing the things they do. Plus, after reading the book, I got to further understand the characters [and I suggest the book to any fan of the movie].

 

As for Alan Cumming...it's not just because of his sexuality that I like him. In fact, I didn't even know who he was until after X2. After X2, I was curious to know more about him and his other works, thus, I rented as much stuff as I could [thus begins my usual routine for an obsession].

 

I liked him especially in the first Spy Kids; Floop, in my opinion, is a great character. It's his childlike innocene, I suppose. Kinda the same reason I like Edward Scissorhands [i didn't see the whole movie yet, so I don't know if Edward changes in the end or not].

 

EDIT: Oh, and Alan Cumming isn't gay. He's pansexual; there's a difference. Look it up.

That's ok we'd prefer not to look it up.

The fact is that you bring up this annoying shit way to much. Yes it is possible for you to talk about something else but you talk about it way to much. Give it a rest. Your signatures and your little pictures are always disturbing and a lot of times disgusting.

And tying to make us laugh? First of all you know that most of us can't stand this shit you post. Most of us don't give a damn about the Queer Eye Guys or Alan Cumming yet you post this shit(not even in the correct forum...as a matter of fact i don't think there is a forum for this shit) that isn't even remotely funny! And knowing most of the posters here you should've known that we wouldn't find it funny!

God! Go away or start posting like a normal human being!

[Nevermortal 0]

There is no such thing as a pansexual.

 

Once again, if you take a penis in the BUTT, you are GAY!

[Yuna_Firerose 0]

There is no such thing as a pansexual.

 

Once again, if you take a penis in the BUTT, you are GAY!

Really? Gee, wow. So, then this must be wrong:

 

The state of being sexually attracted to males, females, transexuals, transgenders, intersexes (hermaphroditic), transvestites, androgynes, etc...

 

Kind of like being bisexual, except bi only refers to two sexes.

 

And this:

one who's affections, romantic platonic or sexual, are potentially geared towards anyone regardless of sex or gender identity.

 

And that:

The capability of being attracted to more than just males or females; they don't limit themselves to genders and are attracted to transexuals, hermaphodites, adrogynies, intersexes, and everything in between.

Source: http://www.urbandictionary.com/

So, those are all wrong? Wow.

 

Go away or start posting like a normal human being!

I am. I post what I know, simple as that. I don't rant over the things you post, so why should you do it to me?

 

And knowing most of the posters here you should've known that we wouldn't find it funny!

Yes, because I so obviously talk with everyone on a normal basis.

[Guest Ghettoman]

So he'd fuck a 10 year old parapalegic(sp) in the ass if he felt like it?

[Downhome 0]

I post what I know, simple as that.

I would comment, but then I'd laugh my ass off.

[Yuna_Firerose 0]

So he'd fuck a 10 year old parapalegic(sp) in the ass if he felt like it?

*facepalm* Pansexual not pedophile, you sick fuck.

[Guest Ghettoman]

Does the phrase not mean sexuality not bounded by labels and modern convention?

[Damaramu 0]

So he'd fuck a 10 year old parapalegic(sp) in the ass if he felt like it?

*facepalm* Pansexual not pedophile, you sick fuck.

You're calling him a sick fuck!?!?!?!

[Art Sandusky 0]

This got ugly.

[CanadianChick 0]

Wow. Guys, it wasn't very funny or anything, but I think you guys are being a bit harsh.

[Damaramu 0]

Wow. Guys, it wasn't very funny or anything, but I think you guys are being a bit harsh.

Read the avatar! I'm disgruntled!!! &*(&$)*#$!

[Nevermortal 0]

There is no such thing as a pansexual.

 

Once again, if you take a penis in the BUTT, you are GAY!

Really? Gee, wow. So, then this must be wrong:

 

The state of being sexually attracted to males, females, transexuals, transgenders, intersexes (hermaphroditic), transvestites, androgynes, etc...

 

Kind of like being bisexual, except bi only refers to two sexes.

 

And this:

one who's affections, romantic platonic or sexual, are potentially geared towards anyone regardless of sex or gender identity.

 

And that:

The capability of being attracted to more than just males or females; they don't limit themselves to genders and are attracted to transexuals, hermaphodites, adrogynies, intersexes, and everything in between.

Source: http://www.urbandictionary.com/

So, those are all wrong? Wow.

Yep, they're wrong.

 

In the real world, once a dick goes in your ass, you are gay. No question about it.

[Yuna_Firerose 0]

Yep, they're wrong.

 

In the real world, once a dick goes in your ass, you are gay. No question about it.

Oh, wow, the knowledge you must posess. You're teh smarts, ja?

 

Wow. Guys, it wasn't very funny or anything, but I think you guys are being a bit harsh.

Like they care. I'm, apparently, the most evil thing ever to post on this board, or at least the most evil thing to still be around. Thus, I basically get no love. Pity.

 

Yeah, whatever.

[Nevermortal 0]

Yep, they're wrong.

 

In the real world, once a dick goes in your ass, you are gay. No question about it.

Oh, wow, the knowledge you must posess. You're teh smarts, ja?

There's no knowledge.

 

ITS A FACT!

 

Penis + BUTT = Gay

 

Its a simple equation, really.

[Murmuring Beast 0]

Ah leave Yuna alone. Sure, I don't know what the hell she is talking about but neither does anyone else when George Dubya walks in.

[dubq 0]

Source: http://www.urbandictionary.com/

So, those are all wrong? Wow.

Well, thank god that we have Urban Dictionary as a source of knowledge. I mean, screw the people at Webster's, right?

[dubq 0]

In the real world, once a dick goes in your ass, you are gay. No question about it.

What if he's a giver?

[dubq 0]

Wow. Guys, it wasn't very funny or anything, but I think you guys are being a bit harsh.

You expected less? Come on. This is a message board full of mostly male wrestling fans, I expected MORE actually.

[Murmuring Beast 0]

Bah I'm too drunk to care.

[Yuna_Firerose 0]

Ok. The name's Ashley. Yuna, the darling she is gave me over her name just so I can post something real quick. We figured it would be more effective then me just ranting to her, and since I am unable to register myself at this time, here it goes.

 

1. If this isn't something you'd be interested in, then don't fucking read it. Assuming the lot of you can read, if you see something in the title that you know you won't like, then don't click the damn link.

2. I was under the impression that if someone signs onto a forum, they can post what interests them. So as far as those of you who are talking shit because Yuna posts a lot about X2 or Queer Eye, you're idiots. She's posting under her interests, which the rest of you do also I'm sure. Didn't think that was a crime really, and I also don't think the likes of you should be determining what she can or can't post.

3. I believe one of you said "post like a normal human being" or some shit. Seriously, wtf. By saying post like a normal human being what are you trying to say? Post like you? Don't be original and post what you like, instead be a dick and post mindless, gutless attacks on people? Sorry, didn't know that's what this forum was about. I'll be sure to tell Yuna that's how she should post from now on.

4. To those of you who are clearly closed minded and homophobic: Grow the fuck up!

 

Fuck it, I'm done with this. I know now that this was most likely a waste of typing, but I felt it had to be said. For those of you here who aren't dicks like those alluded to above, thanks. Glad to know not all people on this forums are assholes. And Yuna, sorry if this gives you any more problems. Though, in the way this post was going more problems were headed your way no matter what.

 

Oh, but as my finally note, and the point in this post I think should be empathized most: If you know you aren't going to like something, whether it be by reading the title or the poster, DON'T READ IT! Because trust me, by reading it, hating it like you already knew you would, and posting...then you just appear to be an ignorant jackass to the entire world.

 

Thanks, have a nice day.

[Ravenbomb 0]

see what you guys did? You pissed off Ashley!