Memorable film quotes

[Guest Man Of 1,004 Modes]

dunno if I got this 100% right but ya get the point

 

Guard: "What're you doing?"

Lone Star: "Vulcan neck pinch.."

Guard: "No, no stupid. You got it all wrong, you need to go up more where the shoulder meets the neck."

Lone Star: "Like....this?"

Guard: "Yeeahhh..." <passes out>

Sounds right, I can't believe I forgot that one.

 

 

 

DH: Very impressive Lone Star, too bad this isn't the wide world of sports!

Yogurt: Use the schwartz Lonestar, user the schwartz!

LS: I cant, I lost the ring!

Yogurt: Forget the ring. I found it in a cracker jack box!

 

 

-----

 

Yogurt: Who dare enter the pressence, of the ever lasting no-it-all, Yogurt!?!

[Guest Man Of 1,004 Modes]

"WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKIN AT?!"

 

"now sir, watever happens now... happens now"

 

"wat happen then?"

 

"we miss it"

 

"when?"

 

'just now"

When will then be now?!

 

Soon.

[Guest Askewniverse]

Dark Helmet: "I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate."

Lone Star: "What's that make us?"

Dark Helmet: "Absolutely nothing! Which is what you're about to become."

-Spaceballs

 

"It's not cheating if you put peanut butter on your testicles, and let your dog lick it off, cause you know, it's your dog. Get it? It's your dog!"

-Road Trip

[Guest Man Of 1,004 Modes]

Dark Helmet: "I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate."

Lone Star: "What's that make us?"

Dark Helmet: "Absolutely nothing! Which is what you're about to become."

-Spaceballs

 

"It's not cheating if you put peanut butter on your testicles, and let your dog lick it off, cause you know, it's your dog. Get it? It's your dog!"

-Road Trip

God damn it! The funniest Spaceballs line and I didn't remember it!! (jumps out window) AH!!!

[Art Sandusky 0]

Infidels, peep the real shit:

 

General "Buck" Turgidson: General Ripper called Strategic Air Command headquarters shortly after he issued the go code. I have a phone transcript of that conversation if you'd like me to to read it.

 

President Merkin Muffley: Read it!

 

General "Buck" Turgidson: Ahem... The Duty Officer asked General Ripper to confirm the fact that he *had* issued the go code, and he said, uh, "Yes gentlemen, they are on their way in, and nobody can bring them back. For the sake of our country, and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of SAC in after them. Otherwise, we will be totally destroyed by Red retaliation. Uh, my boys will give you the best kind of start, 1400 megatons worth, and you sure as hell won't stop them now, uhuh. Uh, so let's get going, there's no other choice. God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural... fluids. God bless you all" and he hung up.

 

[beat]

 

General "Buck" Turgidson: Uh, we're, still trying to figure out the meaning of that last phrase, sir.

 

President Merkin Muffley: There's nothing to figure out, General Turgidson. This man is obviously a psychotic.

 

General "Buck" Turgidson: We-he-ell, uh, I'd like to hold off judgement on a thing like that, sir, until all the facts are in.

 

President Merkin Muffley: General Turgidson! When you instituted the human reliability tests, you *assured* me there was *no* possibility of such a thing *ever* occurring!

 

General "Buck" Turgidson: Well, I, uh, don't think it's quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir.

 

Major T. J. "King" Kong: Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

 

President Merkin Muffley: Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!

 

[The President calls the Soviet Premier.]

President Merkin Muffley: [to Kissoff] Hello?... Ah... I can't hear too well. Do you suppose you could turn the music down just a little?... Oh-ho, that's much better... yeah... huh... yes... Fine, I can hear you now, Dmitri... Clear and plain and coming through fine... I'm coming through fine, too, eh?... Good, then... well, then, as you say, we're both coming through fine... Good... Well, it's good that you're fine and... and I'm fine... I agree with you, it's great to be fine... a-ha-ha-ha-ha... Now then, Dmitri, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the Bomb... The *Bomb*, Dmitri... The *hydrogen* bomb!... Well now, what happened is... ah... one of our base commanders, he had a sort of... well, he went a little funny in the head... you know... just a little... funny. And, ah... he went and did a silly thing... Well, I'll tell you what he did. He ordered his planes... to attack your country... Ah... Well, let me finish, Dmitri... Let me finish, Dmitri... Well listen, how do you think I feel about it?... Can you *imagine* how I feel about it, Dmitri?... Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello?... *Of course* I like to speak to you!... *Of course* I like to say hello!... Not now, but anytime, Dmitri. I'm just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened... It's a *friendly* call. Of course it's a friendly call... Listen, if it wasn't friendly... you probably wouldn't have even got it... They will *not* reach their targets for at least another hour... I am... I am positive, Dmitri... Listen, I've been all over this with your ambassador. It is not a trick... Well, I'll tell you. We'd like to give your air staff a complete run-down on the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the planes... Yes! I mean i-i-i-if we're unable to recall the planes, then... I'd say that, ah... well, ah... we're just gonna have to help you destroy them, Dmitri... I know they're our boys... All right, well listen now. Who should we call?... *Who* should we call, Dmitri? The... wha-whe, the People... you, sorry, you faded away there... The People's Central Air Defense Headquarters... Where is that, Dmitri?... In Omsk... Right... Yes... Oh, you'll call them first, will you?... Uh-huh... Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dmitri?... Whe-ah, what? I see, just ask for Omsk information... Ah-ah-eh-uhm-hm... I'm sorry, too, Dmitri... I'm very sorry... *All right*, you're sorrier than I am, but I am as sorry as well... I am as sorry as you are, Dmitri! Don't say that you're more sorry than I am, because I'm capable of being just as sorry as you are... So we're both sorry, all right?... All right.

 

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel... that Coca-Cola machine. I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.

 

Colonel "Bat" Guano: That's private property.

 

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel! Can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your frame, outlook, way of life, and everything, when they learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With a gun! That's what the bullets are for, you twit!

 

Colonel "Bat" Guano: Okay. I'm gonna get your money for ya. But if you don't get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what's gonna happen to you?

 

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: What?

 

Colonel "Bat" Guano: You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.

 

[After learning of the Doomsday Machine]

President Merkin Muffley: But this is absolute madness, Ambassador! Why should you *build* such a thing?

 

Ambassador de Sadesky: There were those of us who fought against it, but in the end we could not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space race, and the peace race. At the same time our people grumbled for more nylons and washing machines. Our doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of what we had been spending on defense in a single year. The deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a doomsday gap.

 

President Merkin Muffley: This is preposterous. I've never approved of anything like that.

 

Ambassador de Sadesky: Our source was the New York Times.

[Guest Ahhee]

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

 

Airplane

[eiker_ir 0]

NAKED GUN:

 

(offering a cigar)

Vincent Ludwig: Cuban?

Frank: No, Scots-Irish. My father was from Wales.

 

Thug: Drebin?

Frank: Yeah!

(Shoots gun at Drebin)

Frank: I can't hear you! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!

 

Frank: Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans we must be gracious and considerate hosts.

 

HOT SHOTS:

 

Admiral Benson: I slipped on a crab. Who put that crab there?

Lt. Commander Block: I don't see any crab.

Admiral Benson: Don't tell me. There were two crabs they work in pairs.

 

Admiral Benson: I would like to thank you for having us over for dinner last night. Cheryl and I thought the stroganoff was wonderful.

Lt. Commander Block: But sir, we didn't have you over for dinner last night.

Admiral Benson: Oh, very well. Then, where the hell was I? And who's Cheryl?

 

Kent: That flying stunt today was pure madness. If there wasn't a lady present, I'd tear you apart like Christmas goose.

Topper: Yeah? Well, keep it up, you'll be carrying your face home in a doggie bag.

Ramada: What is this macho thing?

Topper: He started it.

Kent: Did not.

Topper: Did too.

Kent: Did not.

Ramada: You're behaving like children.

Topper: He's bein' a jerk.

Kent: Am not.

Topper: Are too.

Kent: Am not.

Topper: Are too too too too too too too too too too too...

Kent: Not not not not not not not not not...

Topper: Are too times ten.

 

 

BASEKETBALL:

 

Cooper: Go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year............ FUCK!

 

Coop: I'm not gonna do it, dude, end of story!

Reemer: Dude!

Coop: Dude!

Reemer: Dude!

Coop: Dude!

Reemer: Dude!

Coop looks shocked

Reemer:.....Dude.

Coop: I see your point.

[Guest Mosaicv2]

Dark Helmet: "I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate."

Lone Star: "What's that make us?"

Dark Helmet: "Absolutely nothing! Which is what you're about to become."

-Spaceballs

 

"It's not cheating if you put peanut butter on your testicles, and let your dog lick it off, cause you know, it's your dog. Get it? It's your dog!"

-Road Trip

"So the combination is... 1 2 3 4 5... thats the stupidest combination I ever heard in my life... & idiot would have that on their luggage!'

[Guest I Got Banned for Sucking]

But that would make him either his sibling or his his cousin's former roommate, which makes them something!

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Dr. Strangelove is full of beautiful quotes.

 

General Ripper's explanation of fluoridation being a soviet conspiracy being my favorite.

 

"Ah, so, uh, tell me then general, when did you come to this conclusion?"

 

"Well Mandrake, I first realized it during the physical act of love."

[Cran Da Maniac 0]

President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Here's the target area.

Himself: That's Minnesota, sir.

President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Damn it, man, that's the genius of my plan. Why go over there to fight? We can do it right here at home.

Himself: Sir, the enemy is over there.

President Thomas 'Tug' Benson: Then we'll fly them over here. Their families too. We'll teach them to skate... Do I have to think of everything?

 

Topper Harley: [Narrating] Somebody once wrote, "Hell is the impossibility of reason." Well, that's what this place feels like: hell. I hate it already and it's only been a few hours. I'm so tired. We get up at four in the morning...

Capt. Benjamin L. Willard: (Narrating) At first I thought they handed me the wrong dossier. I couldn't believe they wanted this man dead. Third Generation West Point, top of his class, Airbourne, Korea, about a thousand decorations, etc, etc...

Topper Harley, Capt. Benjamin L. Willard: [As their boats pass each other] I loved you in Wall Street.

 

--Hot Shots Part Deux

 

Admiral Benson comes into the briefing room in riding pants]

Admiral Benson: Be seated! Ah... Many of you are wondering what's wrong with my pants, well they started running short on materials right before they got to the knees so don't give me any shit. Ah. I look out there on all you wonderful guys and I say to myself "What I wouldn't give to be 20 years younger... and a woman". You know, I've personally flown over 194 missions and I was shot down on every one. Come to think of it, I've never landed a plane in my life

 

Jim 'Wash Out' Pfaffenbach: Looks like enemy aircraft at 12 o'clock.

Admiral Benson: Really? 12 o'clock? Well, that gives us about...

[checks his watch]

Admiral Benson: 25 minutes. Think I'll step out for a burger.

 

--Hot Shots

[Guest Dynamite Kido]

Forgive me if someone posted this one already, but I didn't see it:

 

"I am here for two reasons....to kick ass....and chew bubble gum......and IIIIIIII"m all out of bubble gum"

 

Roddy Piper - They Live

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

Thunderball:

 

[After making love to the evil Fiona Volpe]

James Bond: My dear girl, don't flatter yourself. What I did this evening was for Queen and country. You don't think it gave me any pleasure, do you?

Fiona: But of course, I forgot your ego, Mr. Bond. James Bond, the one where he has to make love to a woman, and she starts to hear heavenly choirs singing. She repents, and turns to the side of right and virtue... (she steps on Bond's foot)... but not this one!

 

Pat Fearing: What exactly do you do?

James Bond: Oh, I travel... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.

 

Goldfinger:

 

Q: Now this one I'm particularly keen about. You see the gear lever here? Now, if you take the top off, you will find a little red button. Whatever you do, don't touch it.

James Bond: Yeah, why not?

Q: Because you'll release this section of the roof, and engage and then fire the passenger ejector seat. Whish!

James Bond: Ejector seat? You're joking!

Q: I never joke about my work, 007.

 

[A laser is about to cut Bond in half.]

James Bond: I think you made your point. Thank you for the demonstration.

Auric Goldfinger: Choose your next witticism carefully Mr. Bond, it may be your last.

 

You Only Live Twice:

 

Blofeld: James Bond. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Ernst Stavro Blofeld. They told me you were assassinated in Hong Kong.

James Bond: Yes, this is my second life.

Blofeld: You only live twice, Mr. Bond.

 

The Spy Who Loved Me:

 

M: Miss Moneypenny, where is 007 now?

Moneypenny: He's on a mission sir. In Austria.

M: Well, tell him to pull out. Immediately!

[scene cuts to Bond making love to a woman]

 

[after ruin falls on Jaws]

James Bond: Egyptian builders!

[Guest Astro]

Hippy Ki-yah Motherfucker -

 

Die Hard Trilogy

[Guest Eric the Eagle]

From Goldfinger:

 

(As Bond is strapped to the table, with the laser getting closer)

"Do you expect me to talk?"

"No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!"

 

Second best villain quote ever, best one following here.

 

I don't recall the name of the movie - or actually, if it even was a movie and not just a two-parter from a series. It was some otherwise pretty nondescript Japanese "four teens and their mecha" deal, until this quote brought it forth to immortality.

 

(One of the girls has been captured, and is being prepped for torture, for some reason on teh top of a castle tower or somesuch. The villain stalks around, turning to the girl and supplying the following)

 

"You might think that I'm using you, that this is some sort of trap to lure in your friends. I'm not. I just like torturing innocent, young girls.

 

I know it's sick, but everyone needs a hobby"

[Guest Askewniverse]

"A team is not a team if you don't give a damn about one another."

-James Earl Jones, Best of the Best

 

Tommy: "I want to kill that son of a bitch."

Alex: "Then kill the son of a bitch."

-Best of the Best

 

"We're L.A.P.D. We're the most hated cops in all the free world. My own mama's ashamed of me. She tells everybody that I'm a drug dealer."

-Chris Tucker, Rush Hour

[spiny norman 0]

God I hate Spaceballs. I do not understand how anyone can like it, I actually did not laugh once. At all. And people make out like it's half-decent. It makes my Three Most Disliked Movies list.

 

Greatest Quote Ever (From The Greatest Movie Ever):

 

As God is my witness, as God is my witness they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again.

 

 

I can feel the stirring music rise as I type.

[Guest thebigjig]

Thats it... you guys have convinced me just by listing quotes that I must buy the bond series on dvd... I have the entire VHS collection, and I've been thinking about upgrading but I've been putting it off... god I love bond

[Art Sandusky 0]

Dr. Strangelove is full of beautiful quotes.

 

General Ripper's explanation of fluoridation being a soviet conspiracy being my favorite.

 

"Ah, so, uh, tell me then general, when did you come to this conclusion?"

 

"Well Mandrake, I first realized it during the physical act of love."

Loss of essence is nothing to mess with.

[Insane Bump Machine 0]

I mean, if I knew any thing about love, I would be out there making it, instead of sitting in here talking to you guys.

Now I'm depressed. Now I feel like killing myself, but luckly I'm too depressed to bother.

Feeling screwed up at a screwed up time in a screwed up place does not necessarily make you screwed up.

Being a teenager sucks. But that's the whole point. Surviving is the whole point.

All the great themes have been used up and turned into theme parks.

Rise up in the cafeteria and stab them with your plastic forks.

Eat your cereal with a fork and do your homework in the dark.

 

Yes, I just watched Pump Up The Volume. Still a great movie.

[Nevermortal 0]

"What now? Let me tell you what now. I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' niggers, who'll go to work on homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin' hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'ma get medieval on your ass." - Marsellus Wallace, "Pulp Fiction"

[notJames 0]

I used to write quotes from Pump Up The Volume on the desks at school all the time. That movie was a big influence on my formative years. It also introduced me to one of my all time favourite bands the Descendents.

 

Incidentally, I used to be in a creative writing circle with Mark Ballou, the tall jock in PUTV. He was also the boyfriend of the girl Tom Hanks's character had a crush on in Big. I think he was also on a TV show about high school kids.