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1001 Things to Hate About The Convention...

jesse_ewiak

By jesse_ewiak
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jesse_ewiak Newbie

jesse_ewiak

Posted
Posted

This is just beautiful....and nails both sides as well.

http://www.nypress.com/17/35/news&columns/feature.cfm

 

1001. City’s collective IQ drops eight points, temporarily tying us with Seattle.

 

1000. Delegates from Kansas spotting Dave Chappelle on the streets 50 times a day.

 

999. Rudy Giuliani caught backstage in Nosferatu pose, muttering, "Soon all this will be mine!"

 

998. Protest war stories from people who spent previous 364 days watching MTV.

 

997. Mary Cheney forced to stop eating pussy for most of Wednesday primetime slot.

 

996. Osama bin Laden’s name will not be mentioned by a single speaker during the convention.

 

995. Our weekly Al Qaeda training seminar and pot luck social was cancelled.

 

994. Fey, dreadlocked boys cause everyone else to question their sexuality.

 

993. Bush pitches himself as protector of New York, even though the state still inexplicably ranks 35th in anti-terrorism funding.

 

992. Aaron Brown taking chicks on limo rides to Times Square and saying, "There used to be a billboard of me here."

 

989. Republicans fail, for reasons that baffle even prominent Republican lawmakers, to release names of all the members of the platform committee.

 

988. Because NJ Transit is sealing all the trash containers on their NY-bound trains, it’s Bring Your Garbage to Work Week.

 

985. Inevitable "Markets React Favorably to Four Days of Preposterous Speeches" story.

 

984. Last-day riots between police and protesters just an elaborate ruse to allow Jeremy Irons to rob the Federal Reserve downtown.

 

982. Republican delegates in pricey hotels and eating catered food at city expense as Bush administration proposes revoking of $107 million in Section 8 housing vouchers for New York poor.

 

981. Wednesday-night Condi Rice Appreciation Bash at Henrietta Hudson cancelled.

 

980. TV audiences deprived of sole entertainment angle on convention: Viewers will not get to see the phonetic spellings in the teleprompter text of George Bush’s speech.

 

979. Bowlmor populated by folks who can actually bowl.

 

978. Fad-happy GOP wives flush baby alligators down hotel toilets, guaranteeing killer gator problems down the line.

 

977. Jessica Cutler prefers Republicans to alt-weekly editors.

 

976. Inevitable Law & Order episode featuring skeleton of United for Peace and Justice organizer found mysteriously buried under Central Park boat shed.

 

975. Local policies quietly being determined while the newspapers are flooded with convention news (like the Dept. of Ed.’s decision to stop teaching sex-ed students how to use condoms).

 

971. LIRR shut down.

 

970. NJ Transit shut down.

 

969. Commuters screwed.

 

968. Local businesses screwed.

 

967. Massive numbers of foreigners watching just to find another reason to hate us.

 

966. More NYC bike messenger featurettes on BBC News than usual.

 

961. A quarter-million angry protesters, yet none think to encircle Fox News studios to block doughnut deliveries to Roger Ailes.

 

958. All the good blow bought up by Congressional pages.

 

957. Federal subsidy for convention security: $50 million.

 

956. Cuts in federal Health Community Access Program for New York’s medically uninsured: $120 million.

 

955. Political convention host committees the last bastion of unrestricted "soft" money in American political campaigning.

 

952. Can’t make jokes about killing the president.

 

949. Sean Hannity able to credibly claim this is his town.

 

948. Hard to tell if Dick Morris is hailing cab or prostitute.

 

947. Republicans notoriously bad tippers; local actresses forced to pick up more shifts.

 

941. The Republican Party’s thinly veiled attempts to milk the 9/11 tragedy for political gain, as evidenced by:

 

940. Their decision to hold the convention here in the first place.

 

939. Their original plan, since canceled, to lay the foundation of the Freedom Tower during convention week.

 

938. The title of the convention’s opening night: "A Nation of Courage," featuring Rudy Giuliani.

 

937. RNC press release notes that Giuliani will "speak to the courage of the American people, seen through the acts of bravery of a city that saw tragedy and great acts of heroism on Sept.11, 2001."

 

936. In an interview with the New York Times, Giuliani says about 9/11: "It has to be an issue in the election. Not discussing it would be like conducting an election for Abraham Lincoln and not discussing the Civil War."

 

935. White House advisor Matthew Dowd says for Bush not to mention 9/11 "would be like Roosevelt not talking about Pearl Harbor."

 

934. In fact, Roosevelt didn’t mention Pearl Harbor at the 1944 Democratic convention.

 

933. Giuliani tells Meet the Press on the day before the convention starts: "My message will be one of leadership, that President Bush has demonstrated during maybe some of the most difficult days in our history."

 

932. Even though federal cuts have led to the closings of six New York City firehouses, Bush intends to visit a firehouse.

 

930. The Democrats opened the door for this with their own 9/11 tribute during DNC.

 

921. Osama bin Laden getting high and stuffing his face with Cheetos as he watches with amusement

 

920. Hitler-Jugend, Vol. 1: Winner of MTV’s Republican-inspired "Stand Up and Holla!" contest to speak at the convention.

 

919. Hitler-Jugend Vol. 1.A: Winner of MTV’s "Stand Up and Holla!" contest, Arkansas’ Princella Smith, said the president "inspires us to be what I call Generations X-ample...our generation of 18-year-old soldiers can take a stand."

 

918. They can take limb-severing shrapnel, too, but that goes unmentioned.

 

904. Absence of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Gary Bauer from speaking program leaves Rick Santorum as only entertaining religious loony in program.

 

929. You find yourself annoyed by the protesters, until you pick up the Daily News the editors bitching about the supporters of "anarchy or communism or nihilism or baby seals or Bobby Seale–whatever."

 

928. That’s when you wish that someone would do something really drastic. And then you’re back to being annoyed with the protesters.

Guest CronoT

Guest CronoT

Posted
Posted
Mike, he linked to a parody piece. Stop menstruating and laugh, you twat.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK!!!

Guest Agent of Oblivion

Guest Agent of Oblivion

Posted
Posted

New York is just about the shittiest place I've ever been. I've been to some pretty shitty places, too. Detroit, and Oatman, AZ namely. I live in Indiana...

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