The Thread Where I Predict Your Future

[Guest Nanks]

If you get around to it, feel free to fill me in on my alcohol/downhill skiing related demise.

[DerangedHermit 0]

How do I cease to live?

[k thx 0]

How do I cease to live?

Death by chave.

 

Tuesday.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

the line is long. 

 

oh well.  serves me right for asking for a thread & taking a nap right afterwards.

 

i'm in.

godthedog has a very interesting future. He's going to be doing great in school, and graduate with academia dripping from his privates. Some time after graduating he'll have a fucking brilliant idea for a film. Something will catch his eye while he's filling out a lesson plan or grading tests or something, and he'll work tirelessly on this project, getting mad with frustration more than once, until he completes it, gets it released, and earns notoriety from those "in the know" as a sharp up-and-coming writer/director.

 

He'll meet his wife while she's working the counter in a coffee shop. She's not as educated, but she's young, cute, witty, and reads a great deal. They'll hit it off blah blah blah, he leaps at a chance to get away from teaching in the south his entire life, goes to hollywood takes her with him, and gets stuck with this real piece of shit project. A romantic comedy called "Love Delivers," about a single dad who runs a pizzeria, and a recently divorced italian socialite who has a terrible day and stops in to use the restroom, THEY hit it off..it's horrible. Critics panned it, DVD did not do well. It's ok, godthedog is a victim of circumstance there, but he still got paid more than he would teaching because there's a big friggin' studio footing tons of cash on that piece of crap. Those who know better wait for his next film.

 

Sadly, the wife gets way too frisky with the cocaine after about 6 years in California and stabs him one night after an altercation in a restaurant. She gets life without parole, you get to be a "what if?" for a few movie fans and a "whatever" for a whole lot more.

 

godthedog, director of hollywood flop "Love Delivers" pronounced dead at the age of 38. He never even saw it coming. Lucky bastard.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Bring it on.

Mr. Rant's daugher is going to follow hippy tours for her entire life while he sits at home with the increasingly nagging and spoiled wife, and the second accidental child just hitting puberty (she wants to be a lawyer). Through lots of tv and hard liquor, he'll make it through this, until he's about 54 years old, when he passes out drunk listening to his car stereo in the garage with the car running, dying of asphyxiation painlessly and mercifully.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

This'll be educational.

You do ok. You end up as a professional bodyguard for movie stars, and have four gigantic sons, one of whom will play defensive tackle for the Raiders.

 

You live a happy and fulfilling life until choking on a mouthful of mixed nuts when you're 53. It happens, man..you're eating and you cough or something..who knows. Just one of those accidents.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

How do I cease to live?

Not soon enough. Age 77: hospital infection after a life no one would care to remember.

[KanadianKrusty 0]

how 'bout me?

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

I'm throwing my name into the hat. Murder? Suicide? Overdose? Freak car wreck? Heart attack? Cancer? Bring it on, bitch.

You fall ass-backwards into a cushy union job right out of high school, get hazed like crazy by the other guys at the plant, eventually become one of them, and become Joe Public, with your wife, 2 sons, and 3 daughters. The metal band never really gets off the ground, besides, you're workin' and have the kids and that..

 

Oh well, it could've been a whole lot worse, and you die fulfilled and remembered as a regular stand-up kinda guy by everyone you give a shit about. Stomach cancer. Age 66.

[k thx 0]

How are you gonna die Agent?

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Predict my future

Czech'll be a late bloomer. He'll lose his virginity at age 22, after studying with a passably cute girl who doesn't know he's a virgin. He might quit being a total dork after this happens, although the novelty of having used his dick for its intended purpose will take a while to wear off. He'll fall in LOVE with this girl. Head over heels, totally caught up.

 

At 25, when she realizes she's dated The Czech Republic for 3 years, she'll wise up and realize his licking her feet isn't enough to keep it together, and she'll run off with a swarthy rugby player with a huge penis. He'll be shattered of course, and almost end it all before finding god even stronger than he had ever done so before. He gets whacko religious by thirty, and works in an office as the guy who no one wants to talk to but end up getting stuck talking to anyway.

 

He'll meet his wife over the internet on a christian singles site, they'll have one godawful son who they will totally warp into become a homosexual prostitute and junkie. They'll love him anyway but never mention him to anyone.

 

He dies at age 90 of being old.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

How are you gonna die Agent?

I posted one of the two ways it'll happen in the other thread. Either sugery complications after a hunting accident when I'm 74, or I'll go crazy and shoot myself in my middle 60's.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

If you get around to it, feel free to fill me in on my alcohol/downhill skiing related demise.

Violent allergic reaction to a snakebite while hiking, actually. You'll be hot and sweaty, and stop with the girl and a mate and his girl to camp, get loaded as hell that night, and all will retire to sloppy tent sex/wilderness trysts out on warm dark rocks. Stinky and still drunk, you'll wake up in the morning and step right on top of something poisonous as hell nestled in the shade of the tent. It'll hit you just right, and it won't be fun. Age 35. The only consolation I can give you is you'll die kinda drunk, and the sex the night before was decent.

[Guest Loss]

BTW, I don't think I made it clear that I wanted to be predicted. I did.

 

[Guest The Winter Of My Discontent]

I'm going to die of cock cancer at the age of 35.

Sadly, Banky, you're not so lucky.

 

Your relationships aren't going to pan out through your 30's and 40's. As a result, you'll be married a whopping four times, with six kids. Three of which you'll never see, one of them which you won't even know about. Your final wife and you will still live freezing in canada, where you'll buy an ugly hat and sit on the porch nursing your prostate which will be the size of a softball. You'll have a minor heart attack in your middle 60's and die of congestive heart failure at 67.

Thats the worst news I've heard in awhile.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Dr. Tom will die a bachelor at 55. Aortic anyeurism while shoveling snow. He'll have one daughter he's financially supportive of but never sees due to the mother having married some rich asshole in Texas, and never having much of a relationship with her. Couple months of dating and some sex, then moving onwards. Dying with him will be the realization of having never taken any big risks in life, and a lack of a sense of accomplishment.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Lay it on me, big man.

I'm pretty positive I did your life story in the "What you look like" thread. You can't have two unless you prove I didn't do one.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Agent's actually already predicted my future before. It wouldn't hurt to tell you all about my awful existance again.

Nevermortal is going to get destroyed by the real world and move back in with his parents for at least 3 years after college. He'll get a horrible office job then, and not get married until his late 30's after taking a life inventory and realizing he has jack.

 

His parents will both die in a house fire when he's in his mid 40's, and of course he won't take it too well. He'll inherit everything, and have a pretty bad mid life crisis before finally mellowing out and going fishing a lot after retiring early. He becomes a regular at the bait shop and the bar, spitting cliches and bullshit to other guys like him doing the same, and whistling at the college girls coming home for summer because he's a lecherous old creep. Heart failure, like many hearts do, age 73.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Tritec goes out in a hail of gunfire after a police chase. She'll just innocently end up around some dumb guy who's going to rob a bank, and she's not going to care enough to try to stop him. Realizing she's got nothing to lose, she grabs the guy's gun and takes down two cops and wounds another before getting three clips of 9mm rounds to the chest. The autumn of her 40th year. No kids, no legacy. Slipped through the cracks and gunned down, placed in a grave with only a distant cousin there to sign some paperwork.

[Guest T®ITEC]

Fuck, Agent, I love you. That's exactly how I wanted to go out.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Zack Malibu is going to die of kidney failure around age 76 after a life spanning 2 marriages. Only one kid interestingly enough, who'll look just like him and grow up searching for his own identity with a pop who's friends with all his friends' dads (and moms), and will forever be referred to as Zack's kid. Not as "Frankie" or whatever you decide to call him. Probably something ethnic, since his mother's going to be a fine ass cuban girl who's going to divorce the shit out of you because she's a bitch. The second wife's going to be less spicy, and named Karen. You'll be old and corny, and get laughs out of the same shitty jokes to the same people over and over again. More and more you'll find yourself stuck giving a toast.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Put me in the line of fire.

Institutionalized for a total nervous shutdown the christmas of your 40th year, after not really being able to get anything for your 3 kids. They'll get by fine, but you'll be forever kind of screwy, if functional enough to be at home, even though you'll get readmitted for seizures later on. You'll die in a mental hospital when you're 68, visited often and cognizant enough to enjoy the family's company.

[alfdogg 0]

OK, I'll go now.

[Black Lushus 0]

not too many people just dying in their sleep peacefully...AoO must not think very highly of us!

[MrRant 0]

Bring it on.

Mr. Rant's daugher is going to follow hippy tours for her entire life while he sits at home with the increasingly nagging and spoiled wife, and the second accidental child just hitting puberty (she wants to be a lawyer). Through lots of tv and hard liquor, he'll make it through this, until he's about 54 years old, when he passes out drunk listening to his car stereo in the garage with the car running, dying of asphyxiation painlessly and mercifully.

But I'm not married...

 

You have failed in your predictions.

[Big McLargeHuge 0]

I'm next. Bring it.

[nl5xsk1 0]

Why are you next? There's still a line, you know.

[Art Sandusky 0]

Lay it on me, big man.

I'm pretty positive I did your life story in the "What you look like" thread. You can't have two unless you prove I didn't do one.

I'll get to lookin'. I could have sworn all you did was describe how I was currently.

[The Czech Republic 0]

He dies at age 90 of being old.

I think this makes me the one with the longest lifespan on TSM. 72+ years left.

 

Why this lifespan is wasted on me, I'll never know

[Art Sandusky 0]

Kotzenjunge is a young Woody Allen on meth. Always going on about something, and moving his hands crazily, he is "go go go" even if he's lazier than hell about certain things, which his family calls him out on quite a bit. Physically speaking, he is totally normal, with a hairy belly which will just get rounder and hairier with age, though he'll do his best to hide it.

 

He'll meet a firecracker of a girl who will want to fight constantly, and get very frustrated when Spoon goes off topic. He'd make a great addict if he could pursue any one thing for a length of time.

 

As age strikes him, he'll slow down a bit and become more jaded. He'll have a kid with the firecracker girl, a daughter who won't like him, or her mother, or her middle name. Patrick will split from his wife over irreconcilable differences, but it won't kill his spirit. He'll do the job thing for a while, and some weeks before his 40th birthday, the midlife crisis will hit him like a ton of bricks when he falls madly in love with a Mediterranean 22 year old student of his. They'll wander off to Europe after a creepy courtship that both families will disapprove of, and they'll dance on the beach with their redheaded son who will turn out to be a marvelous tenor.

 

I stand corrected, although this doesn't include my demise.