Promo: Bruce and Marcus go to the movies

[Bruce Blank 0]

”Come on Bruce I don’t need a wheelchair!” Marcus Ward complains as Bruce pushes Ward across the parkinglot in a hospital issue wheelchair.

 

”Then how come the Hospital insisted that you sit in one when you were discharged huh?” Bruce said apparently not aware of the standard hospital policy on the matter. “They were even nice enough to GIVE you the wheel chair”

 

“Ah- no Bruce you stole it” Ward answers moodily.

 

“Well heck that’d explain the hollerin’ wouldn’t it?” Bruce replies dismissing the complaints from his tag-team partner. “Now don’t fuss so much we’ve got a movie to watch!” Bruce says as he pushes his tag-team partner towards the entrance to the mega-metro-cineaplex.

 

“I’m not really in the mood Bruce, we just lost okay? It doesn’t seem to bother you much” Ward says not bothering to hid his displeasure

 

“Call that a loss? I lost my debut match to a guy wrestling as El Homo Loco while dressed as a giant poodle. This? This ain’t nothing” Bruce just says

 

“Giant poodle?? El Homo Loco? Where the hell did you debut?” Marcus asks confused by the story and the relevance to their situation.

 

“it was August 4th 1990 in Memphis, USWA to be precise”

 

“But… that was 16 years ago?” Ward says confused, he did not know his partner had been in wrestling for that long.

 

“I’ll take your word for it, never been much for math. Now just be quiet I’ve told them you’re dying from cancer of the sphincter and your last request is to see “the Empire Strikes Back” on a big screen” Bruce says

 

“Okay two questions” Ward says “One, why Empire Strikes Back? And two.. CANCER OF THE SPHINCTER??” the Mastermind says clearly not enjoying it.

 

“Okay 2, because that’ll get you in for free – as a request for a dying man they’ve given us two tickets and a free pass to the concession stand. Oh and I saw Cancer of the Sphincter on the Oxygen movie of the week last week, so touching – so heartgripping” *sniff* “That Tyne Daly I tell ya”

 

“But… why that movie then?” Ward asks not wanting to get further into Bruce’s viewing habits.

 

“Well I thought we’d enjoy a feel good movie. I can’t think of a better movie than this one, when Vader slices his hand off – a classic” Bruce says as he passes the people in line, he’s got a special pass after all (why pay for a movie when you can con your way in for free after all?)

 

“Or the part where Vader tells Luke he’s his father” Ward says, kinda seeing Bruce’s point

 

“WHAT?? Oh thanks for spoiling the movie for me you gimp” a guy in line says as he tears up his ticket and walks away pissed off at having the ending spoiled for him. Bruce and Marcus quickly enter the theater and make their way to the concession stand where Bruce intends to make good use of their free pass.

 

“Alright darlin’” He says to the 16 year old goth (and totally disinterested) chick behind the counter “My friend here would like your largest bucket of popcorn, 2 of your biggest cups of soda” Bruce turns and looks at Marcus, “You want something to drink too?” He asks to which Ward just nods.

 

“Make that 3 cups of soda darlin’ – and some candy corn… some ju-ju bees… oh do you have Twinkies? I’ll take 10 of thise… and goobers, some liquorice sticks and …. Hmmm a couple of Mars bars” Bruce says with a straight face. He quickly gathers up his huge haul and dumps it in Marcus’ lap before pushing him towards the theater.

 

“Weird how they’re showing this movie on a big screen” Marcus says, almost revealing the flaw in his post

 

“Well you see they’re doing a “Great Movies” marathon, retro is in man.” Bruce quickly says to cover up any logical flaws people might see.

 

“Alright, alright let’s just go see the movie” Ward says as Bruce pushes him towards the theater where “Empire Strikes Back” is playing.

 

** a while later, towards the end of the movie. **

 

Bruce and Marcus are sitting in the dark, eating popcorn out of the huge tub they got while watching Darth Vader teach Luke a lesson in badassedry.

 

“WOOOO Go on kick his scrawny ass” Bruce hollars out as Vader cut’s Luke’s hand off

 

Vader approaches Luke who’s clinging to the thingamabob out on the walkway.

 

“They told me you killed him” Luke says in his boy-howdy farm boy ways.

 

“No Luke” Vader says, pausing only to take a mechanically enhanced breath (Damn you Obi-Wan!!) “I am your Father”

 

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

 

Luke almost gives up hope and lets himself fall, but then he runs across the walkway and

 

*CHOP BLOCK*

 

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOWW

 

Moments later Vader’s head rolls across the metal floor.

 

“Who’s your daddy now – Bitch!” Luke says.

 

“What the hell??” Ward says – both of them sit there, mouths open, handfuls of popcorn up to their mouths. Just staring at the screen in disbelief.

 

“I did not just see that, tell me I did not just see that” Bruce says as he gets up, brushes the candy wrappers off him and then wheels Ward out of the theater.

 

“Okay that’s just not right – Maybe we should see another movie instead?” Bruce says trying to get Marcus’ mind off what they just saw.

 

“I didn’t just see that” is all Marcus says as Bruce wheels him in to see Dirty Harry. They enter the movie at the time where the Clint has chased down a bad guy and given him his sales pitch for handguns

 

Now you gotta ask yourself, did he fire 5 times or did he fire 6 times?? Well I just don’t know. So do you feel lucky huh? Do you punk??” Dirty Harry asks the man he just chased down.

 

*CHOP BLOCK*

 

“You shot 6 times man!!” the criminal says as he runs away from Harry who’s on the ground holding his knee.

 

“Okay you did not see that” Bruce says as he pulls Ward out of the theater. Ward just sits there, open mouth, hand raised not knowing what to say.

 

“This is a good one Marcus, loads of killing and bluster and stuff, that’ll suit us” Bruce says as he opens the door to the Gladiator showing.

 

”My name is Gladiator!” Russel Crowe says looking all mean and ready to kill anyone that dares cut off his poem.

 

*CHOP BLOCK*

 

“Oh don’t be a silly bugger” is all Centurion Biggus Diggus says as he plunges his sword into Maximus’ prone body.

 

“Look man I’m really sorry I don’t know what the hell is up with these movies” Bruce says apologetically, he’s beginning to think this was a bad idea. Then he spots a poster that says “Jerry McGuire” and smiles, that couldn’t possibly have a chop block in it.

 

”You had me at hello” she says breathlessly, like a woman who was out of breath.

 

*CHOP BLOCK*

 

“Oh yeah? I’m Tom Fuckin’ Cruise! And I know Psychology!! I had you before Hello… bitch” Tom says as he looks down on the woman squirming in front of him holding her knee.

 

“And stop moaning, pain is all in your head”

 

Bruce quickly pulls the wheelchair out of the movie and begins to apologize to Marcus. “Man I’m so sorry I had no idea”

 

“Don’t be” Marcus says “It’s opened my eyes”

 

“Yeah? Erm in what way??” Bruce asks

 

“Well it looks like the Chop Block is a pretty serious and potentially crippling move” he says “It would seem that everyone knows that”

 

Bruce scratched his head, to him a chop block was still just a chop block – although it DID finish off Vader… so maybe Ward was right.

 

“Let’s go see this movie instead Bruce” Marcus says as he points to a poster that says “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

 

“Alright then” Is all Bruce says as he obliges his tag-team partner.

 

”And they lived happily ever after”

 

*CHOP BLOCK*

 

“Or not”

 

(if you can read this and think I am seriously pissed off you have no sense of humor whatsoever )

[JJ Johnson 0]

Chop blocks are the new Demonstar.

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

The fuck is a Mars bar?

 

Also: What tool doesn't know Luke is Vader's son?

[janusd 0]

I second JJ's comment.

 

Then again it's 5:30 in the morning and I'm snickering my ass off over this.

 

*CHOP-BLOCK!*

 

"That's right! Who's laughing now!?"

[Toxxic 0]

A Mars bar is a chocolate bar with caramel and nougat. Honestly, only morons don't know that.

 

*is barraged by manatees*

 

OK, morons and Drea. And manatees.

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Sounds like a Milky Way bar.

 

*after some google research*

 

It is. Milky Way in the states, Mars in Europe. That's stupid. Unless Milky Way is some weird European slang for dead hookers or something. That'd be kind of cool, then.

[Bruce Blank 0]

It is.  Milky Way in the states, Mars in Europe.  That's stupid.  Unless Milky Way is some weird European slang for dead hookers or something.  That'd be kind of cool, then.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

If you've ever been up to your eyeballs in Miky Way you know it's a bad thing

 

and we got both Mars Bars and Milky Ways - they're not the same

 

but I guess it's just too advanced for Americans - woopsie

[Hank Kingsley 0]

Promo of the year.

[King Cucaracha 0]

Awesome. Looks like a new craze has been created.

[JJ Johnson 0]

I eagerly await Bruce and Marcus' Bogus Journey, in which the android versions of them kill them not by throwing them off of a cliff, but by chop blocking them.

[Toxxic 0]

I eagerly await Bruce and Marcus' Bogus Journey, in which the android versions of them kill them not by throwing them off of a cliff, but by chop blocking them.

 

*shaves his head and assumes a much posher English accent than he actually has*

 

Make it so, Mr Blank.

[Rawknight 0]

Sounds like a Milky Way bar.

 

*after some google research*

 

It is.  Milky Way in the states, Mars in Europe.  That's stupid.  Unless Milky Way is some weird European slang for dead hookers or something.  That'd be kind of cool, then.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

And a Milky Way in Europe is a 3 Muskateers bar in the states.

[JHawk 0]

So what's the European version of what we'd call a Mars bar in the States? Since I remember a day where we had Mars and Milky Way over here.

 

And if there's no difference, no wonder I haven't seen a Mars bar in at least 15 years.

[Toxxic 0]

A strip bar.