Guest Arnold_OldSchool Report post Posted November 13, 2005 Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change. Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Matt Young 0 Report post Posted November 13, 2005 That shouldn't have made me laugh, but it did. Very much so. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Arnold_OldSchool Report post Posted November 13, 2005 JFK, Jeopardy and Red Bull all made me burst out laughing Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest cosbywasmurdered Report post Posted November 13, 2005 When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. I love that game. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fook Report post Posted November 13, 2005 Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". I want this skill. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mik 0 Report post Posted November 13, 2005 Hilarious. Honestly. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Red Baron 0 Report post Posted November 13, 2005 The popped collar one is hilarious and so is the cancer one. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Star Ocean 3 0 Report post Posted November 13, 2005 Chuck Norris can ejaculate through solid steel. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong. Chuck Norris makes onions cry. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once fingered four elephants... with his toes. Chuck Norris is the stork that delivers babies. Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts. If you knock three times on a wooden object and shout the name of Chuck Norris with a lisp on your voice, he will appear to you and personally kick your ass. And it will be better than any orgasm you will ever experience. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist. Every story from every film Chuck Norris has been in has actually happened to him at some point in his life. The people he kills on screen really die. Chuck Norris once did a movie with Clint Eastwood, and there came a disagreement between the 2 stars. Chuck Norris bent Eastwood over a chair and raped him. Chuck Norris calls this "tough love". Jonathan Brandiss did not kill himself, Chuch Norris round house kicked him to deat after seeing Seaquest. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Corey_Lazarus 0 Report post Posted November 13, 2005 The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. That one made me burst out laughing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Carnival 0 Report post Posted November 14, 2005 amazing stuff I like the export line myself. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest clockworkraven Report post Posted November 14, 2005 Red Bull, and Law and Order. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Star Ocean 3 0 Report post Posted November 15, 2005 The ghost in the Tower of London is not really a ghost, but Chuck Norris and his pet sloth. Chuck Norris actually kidnapped Osama Bin Laden on 9/12/2001 and has kept him in his basement ever since, continually beating him into unconsciousness and then nursing him back to health. He ordered George Bush to send the military into Iraq so that the protesters would drown out Osama's screams- he times his roundhouse kicks to Osama's ribs with Cindy Sheehan's rants since the sound is roughly the same. Chuck Norris then sent word to Saddam Hussein that Osama was getting boring and he would be coming to Iraq to get himself another bitch- Saddam killed his sons to protect them from Chuck and crawled into a spider hole to shoot himself when the gun jammed and the US military overheard his crying and captured him. Chuck Norris's poop is considered currency in a remote corner of Mongolia. Chuck Norris got sick of hearing Michael Jackson's hit song Thriller, so he gave hime a roundhouse kick to the balls. Micheal Jackson's voice became permantely high pitched; he lost all color pigments in his skin; and his nose fell off. Once Satan tried to jumpstart the end of the world. Chuck Norris, being very sleepy from being awesome, was very irritable and simply told Satan to go fuck himself and then dropkicked him back into hell. This event is sometimes called, "The Dropkick Felt Around the World." Ever heard of the saying, "you can't squeeze blood from a stone?" Chuck Norris hasn't. There's a reason for that. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is in no way responsible for the advent of the computer era. However, he did invent silicon after winning a bet with Thelonious Monk by eating nothing but sand for forty days. Chuck Norris' sperm cells are so big they can eat a small horse. Chuck Norris eats raw steaks and poops them out cooked well done. His urine makes for a flavorful steak sauce. Chuck Norris invented Jolt Cola after an extremely pleasuring experience with a one-eyed hooker with the same name in an attempt to recreate his orgasm in liquid form. Chuck Norris starts every morning by swallowing three Cambodian children whole, then drinking a barrel of lizard blood. He brushes his teeth with plasma and rinses with VX nerve agent. Chuck Norris does not bathe with soap or water. His body naturally sweats Mr. Clean. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Big Ol' Smitty 0 Report post Posted November 15, 2005 When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man. Chuck Norris won't allow his children to be taught evolution at school. This wouldn't be a big deal, but he fathered 70% of people in the southern United States. When Steven Segal kills a ninja he only takes it's hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja he uses every part. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vigo 0 Report post Posted November 15, 2005 Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Brilliant! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Star Ocean 3 0 Report post Posted November 15, 2005 Chuck's beard doubles as an invisibility cloak, which he uses to sneak in to "R" rated movies. Chuck Norris has no gag reflex. The original ending, as suggested by Chuck Norris to George Lucas, to Return of the Jedi consisted of the Rebel Alliance finding Chuck Norris on the moon of Endor. The Rebel Alliance realized the power they had in front of them, and begged Chuck to help them defeat the Empire's Death Star. Chuck then jumped into space and roundhouse kicked the Death Star, which exploded in a fiery bang. In the last scenes, Leia left Han for Chuck, Chewbacca became Chuck's life-debt servant, and Luke decided to drop Jedi training and study under Chuck. The ending was never made because it was too awesome for George Lucas to comprehend. The word quadrillion was first implemented in a Harvard study to express the size of Chuck Norris's genitalia. No one has ever seen Chuck Norris and Optimus Prime together at the same time. Coincidence? When someone says,"I traded blows with Chuck Norris," what that really means is Chuck gave them a mean roundhouse to the face before making them suck his dick. Chuck Norris gave birth to Tony Little rectally. Chuck Norris adopted twenty Ethiopian children. He fed them and clothed them until they looked healthy. He didn't do this for the good of the people... he was hungry. Chuck Norris once ripped a man apart for calling his penis enormous. Everybody knows Chuck Norris' penis is gargantuan beyond mortal comprehension. Kevin Sorbo once passed Chuck Norris in the park and said, "Hey, nice beard" sarcastically. Chuck Norris became angry, and roundhouse kicked Sorbo in the face. Astonishingly, Sorbo got back up after such a mighty blow. This further angered Chuck Norris to the point where he ripped out Sorbo's jaw, sodomized him with an ice cream cone, and ate his flesh in front of many children. This event has been commemorated with a limited-edition dinner plate and later became the basis for the television show "Grace Under Fire". In 1995, Chuck Norris secretly wed his Walker, Texas Ranger costar, Clarence Gilyard Jr. Sadly, they divorced only 4 months later, after Clarence found Chuck in bed with an obviously very stoned Don Knotts. While pregnant with his firstborn child, Chuck Norris was in labor for 18 hours. Even as a bard with -200 strength and a stave, Chuck Norris still beat DM. Chuck Norris along with Macho Man Randy Savage were once runway bra models for Fredrick's of Hollywood. It has been recently recorded that a peragrin falcon can dive at speeds up to 250 kilometers per hour. This feat was accomplished as Chuck Norris dove past them at 300 kilometers per hour. Not only did Chuck Norris stop the tyranny of Rwanda with a series of "foot sweeps" and "Lunge punches", he also managed to feed the whole country with his beard. Chuck Norris eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast. That's right, he eats pieces of shit for breakfast. Like the new Jeep Hurricane, Chuck Norris can accelerate from 0 to 60 mph in 4.9 seconds, and can also an navigate an 86.7 degree slope when moving downward. Jesus was sent to die for the sins of man when it became apparent that his older brother, Chuck Norris, was incapable of dying. Chuck Norris created the television series "Frasier" when he was re-enacting a scene from Back to the Future. Chuck Norris proposed to his wife by spelling out "Will you marry me?" in semen. Needless to say, she said yes. Chuck Norris once claimed that Clear Pepsi, "was for queers." The following day, Pepsi pulled the product from shelves. Chuck Norris once inhaled a seagull. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Carnival 0 Report post Posted November 15, 2005 god damn this shit is great Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CBright7831 0 Report post Posted November 15, 2005 With the week that I've had, I needed this. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vern Gagne 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2005 One of my favorites. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist. Star Ocean. You come up with these? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest clockworkraven Report post Posted November 16, 2005 These are awesome. That Jesus one is a favourite so far. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Amazing Rando 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2005 Chuck Norris touches children. What are you going to do about it? If you call Chuck Norris a kid toucher, he will roundhouse kick you in the face and then touch your children. If you do not have children, he will touch you, and you will feel like a kid again. The moon landing was not a hoax, as the wind was caused by one of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks, and the reflection on Neil Armstrong's helmet came from the light reflected from Chuck Norris' smile. Jeff Jarrett was once kicked so hard by Chuck Norris he went into a coma and has not come out of it since. The Jeff Jarrett you see on television currently is portrayed by the Patriot Del Wilkes. Chuck Norris counts as 6 full rating points. Sadly, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his television in sadness at the final episode of MASH. If the room does not spin when someone close to Chuck Norris dies, he makes it spin. A jumping roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris while in Minnesota on vacation was the premise for "When Doves Cry". Chuck Norris kicked 800 homeruns in his Major League career. He played for the Texas Rangers for three weeks in 1981 before retiring after his 800th homerun sailed around the Earth and hit the home plate umpire in the back of the head, killing him instantly. Chuck was heard to reply that he shouldn't have been standing there. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ravenbomb 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2005 Lou Ferrigno once looked at Chuck Norris in a way that Norris didn't like. Norris squeezed Ferrigno's testicles until he turned into the Hulk, then Norris ate him. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewTS 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2005 Chuck Norris does not bleed red, because red is the color of communism. Chuck Norris has had only one failure in his entire life: trying to teach Bizarre of D-12 how to rap. "Roundhouse Kick" is the currency Chuck Norris uses when he needs to buy shit. Chuck Norris once shaved his beard with a rusty butterknife just to prove how much of a man he is. Nobody has seen him beardless however because it immediately grew back in. From the beard hairs spawned wolverines. G.I. Joe was originally titled: G.I. Chuck Norris, but Hasbro thought that the doll was too manly and would scare small children. They kept the Kung-fu grip. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ravenbomb 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2005 It was the sight of Chuck Norris naked that turned George Takei gay Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vern Gagne 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2005 Chuck Norris has had only one failure in his entire life: trying to teach Bizarre of D-12 how to rap. Chuck Norris rounds house kicked AndrewTS straigh to hell for lieing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Amazing Rando 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2005 Chuck Norris can't deflect bullets, but he can rape Superman. Chuck Norris fishes with his bear hands. He killed the bear by beating it to death with a fish. Every time you masturbate, Chuck Norris kills a kitten. He kills them by using them to masturbate. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ravenbomb 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2005 Every time you masturbate, Chuck Norris kills a kitten. He kills them by using them to masturbate. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> So really, every time Chuck Norris masturbates, he kills a kitten... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Amazing Rando 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2005 Every time you masturbate, Chuck Norris kills a kitten. He kills them by using them to masturbate. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> So really, every time Chuck Norris masturbates, he kills a kitten... <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Yes, but he's too manly to take the blame. He masturbates for our sins. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ravenbomb 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2005 When he cums, does Christ's blood ejaculate out? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Amazing Rando 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2005 When Chuck Norris cums, the heavens part and light floods the countryside in bliss as God wipes off his chin. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ravenbomb 0 Report post Posted November 16, 2005 I hear tell that's how the universe was created. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
