Ultraviolet

[JST 0]

The perks of having a friend who works at the movies is the occasional free movie pass. After tonight I have a newfound love and appreciation for those.

 

What we ended up seeing were 88 minutes of the weirdest damn crap I've ever laid eyes on. 3/4 of this movie is Milla Jovovich killing people with weapons that magically appear in her hands, while either trying to save herself or some ugly kid. She then battles with the least credible villain I've ever seen, basically a well-dressed man with a dumbass nosepiece. I stopped paying attention to the plot when people started admitting to being vampires for no discernible reason. Despite Milla's contractually obligated nudie shot, all the pretty colors and fight scenes in the world aren't gonna save this surefire Razzie candidate for next year.

 

Avoid. Get a rectal exam instead.

[LivingLegendGaryColeman 0]

Ooh, sorry to hear you won't ever get that time back.

 

This is one I'd have a hard time going to see, even if it was free. It basically looked like Aeon Flux with a less credible cast to me... and I didn't even want to see Aeon Flux.

 

I noticed in the title you said Milla's Bare Ass, and I was going to comment that, but noticed you covered it in the text. Not that I mind, but I'd be more hardpressed to find a Milla Jovovich movie that did not have her wind up naked than one that did.

[theintensifier 0]

The worst movie I have ever seen in my life, bar none. I regret spending the $16 for me and my friend to get in. I guess they think in the future that glass is excellent body armor or something, fucking lame. My friends and I made fun of the movie the entire time, I was already bored after the opening scene. Ridiculous.

[Ripper 0]

I was going to give it a chance because of Kurt Wimmer pulling off Equilibrium so well, but I had a bad feeling about this from the start. It appears that I was right.

[haws bah gawd 0]

I haven't seen the film yet but it seems, based on reviews, that the only thing it had going for it was a Milla nude scene and a decent song played during the trailer. My gf and I saw the trailer for this, for the first time, before that god-awful When a Stranger Calls, remake. Needless to say, you could tell right away that the movie would suck ass.

[AndrewTS 0]

Did you like Equilibrium?

 

Too bad, Kurt Wimmer doesn't care.

 

The only way to explain most of this movie is "well, somebody thought it was cool."

 

Like Milla's color changing outfits and hair. Why? Somebody thought it looked cool.

 

Milla's guns looking like a pair of stapleguns? SOMEBODY thought it looked cool.

 

There is really nothing good at all about this movie. The direction is utter crap. The script is terrible. The big chase scene is utterly moronic.

 

Well, surely the fight scenes...? No.

 

The fight scenes are utter crap. Milla kills everyone, with minimal effort. Nobody has a shot, nobody is a challenge for her.

 

There is an "epic" final fight where she goes up against Daxur or Jaxur or whatever the hell his name is. They fight with FLAMING SWORDS and both of them look totally ghey. Dax's has lots of serrations and looks like a friggin' oversized steak knife. Milla's is broad, and flat, and looks like a yard stick.

 

Plot is crap, dialogue is crap, fight scenes are crap, the sets and art design are crap...how bout the nudity?

 

Well, you get to see, I believe, Milla's backside for about 2 seconds, and overall you see less than you usually do out of Milla. They actually shot a whole sequence with Milla's bypassing several layers of security to prove she's not a hemophage, and when she's nude, it's nothing we haven't seen plenty of times before. And she bypasses it in a stupid way. So there's no point to it, whatsoever,

 

Let me spoil the big plot twists now so you aren't tempted to see it....

 

The kid Milla's protecting is Dax's clone. And he dies. But Milla brings him back with the Vampire Tears of Resurrection!! Even though the movie plays it off like she's about to die soon.

 

Dax is really a vampire, and wants to infect humanity with something his clone is carrying so he can make millions selling the cure . Even though..he's rich and powerful anyway.

 

Damn those EVIL CAPITALIST vampire scum.

 

Wouldn't his clone be a vampire/hemophage?

 

Well, this is never explained, because nobody thought that out making the script.

[Art Sandusky 0]

And here I was wondering what I could go see to make fun of. I haven't done that in a while.

[Yuna_Firerose 0]

Not only did they not think anything through - based on the comments I'm reading, that is; I don't plan to see it - but the title is a ripoff of a Brit series around '96 I believe starring Jack Davenport, aka Commodore Norrington in PotC. What's more, it's a tv series that featured vampires, albeit ones who were more medical than mythical.

 

I first read about the film in Entertainment Weekly, in that section where they grade trailers. I thought 'Oh..okay..they're remaking Brit tv series now?' So, out of curiosity, I downloaded the trailer. Big mistake. Twenty second in, I'm disgusted. The whole tough-girl-rebel chic is SO played out; she's badass for no reason, and I believe she even ADMITS to killing without a cause. There's no point to any of it. Great editing with the trailer, an interesting song (what was it, by the by?), but overall pointless.

 

With that in mind, I wonder how many millions were wasted on that piece of shit.

[Lil' Bitch 0]

When I first saw the trailer, with the way it was presented both visually as well as with the narration, I could have sworn it was Resident Evil 3.