Ask The Dictator!

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Okay folks, I certainly hope I have more than three addresses when I get home this time.

 

I will see all of you at 8 PM when I get home and start to arrange the speeches!!

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

To the Office of the Secretary of Justice:

 

Persuant to Section 42, Page 15, Subsection 10, Paragraph G of the State of America's revised constitution,

 

*This is where my duties are spelled out*

 

Should, in a time of crisis, the Foreign Policy office be provided evidence of traitorism within the upper-ranks of the State, the Lord may choose house arrest as the only means of isolating the suspected member until futher information comes forth."

 

Therfore, Mr. Secretary, I was perfectly within my rights, so learn you consitution.

 

Stephen Popick

 

------------

To the Office of the El Psycho Diablo

 

Thank you very much for the investigation...However, I am still suspicious as AS, being a part of our military, has nowhere in his job description that he shall be a part of any trade treaties. Can you please research this further?

 

Stephen Popick

 

----------

 

To the Office of the Commandant:

 

AS, my apologies for the house arrest. Information we had obtained in the LoFP seemed to indicate a traitor in our midsts. While you are still under some supervisory investigation, you are free to return to your normal daily routine.

 

Stephen Popick

[Guest The Superstar]

Another telegram arrives at the State's offices in Washington DC.

 

"Greetings from Peru! It is I, the Master of the Treasury. As I mentioned in yesterday's telegram, I arrived safely in Lima in the early afternoon. I have already given a speech to the fine people of Peru, touching on the same subjects as I did in Santiago yesterday. Once again, they were fully behind the State's funding for a militia in Western South America, in case of any turmoil between this torn country. I am scheduled to be escorted to the airport at 4:00 PM, where I will take a flight to Iquitos, Peru. This is a very important city to talk to, because they are very close to Brazil, which is not yet under State Control. I will hopefully ease their worries and send another telegram later tonight with good news."

 

-The Superstar, Master of the Treasury

[Guest justsoyouknow]

From the desk of the Secretary of Justice

ATTN: Lord of Foreign Policy BPP

 

Personally, I had no problem with you placing Anglesault under house arrest. However, I was directly informed by the Maximum Proconsul that he had been imprisoned falsely and that I was the only member of the Cabinet who had the power to arrest people. So if you really want to make an issue out of this, take it up with the boss....just doing my job.

[Guest SodomusChrist]

Brazil, which is not yet under State Control.

Ummm... false? Control we have! To the map you must look!

[Guest massivHEDtrauma]

ATTN: Jingus

 

................I'll arrest whomever I damn well please. If you have a problem with that, you'll have to take it up with the Maximum Proconsul himself. As for your precious "red-haired goddess", she is a horrible actress...and Eyes Wide Shut was an abomination of a film, Moulin Rouge was extremely over-the-top, and in interviews she comes off as a major bitch. Unfortunately, I cannot arrest her for that. I can, however, arrest her for being Australian. Unless she can change that, then she is under arrest.

Stay thy tongue, miscreant. Eyes Wide Shut was a great movie. GREAT. Moulin Rouge was a great movie. GREAT. While she does come off as a bitch, you cannot say she is a bad actress. You just...can't, man.

 

Besides, you aren't taking into account the movies she made prior to this last year. To Die For and, well, uh, To Die For was a good movie!

 

Anyways, if she is arrested for being Australian, please release her into my custody to deal with her as I see fit (and I will deal with her, many times a night actually...GROWL!).

 

Ah, whatever. The Australian actors actually figure into my plan for the public dooming of the Australians, so this will be dealt with after Operation: Dingoslaughter I guess. Just suffice it to say that Australian actors/actresses like Russell Crowe, Rachel Griffiths, Guy Pearce, Mel Gibson and the afformentioned red-haired goddess are on a plane to Washington D.C. right now.

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

To the Secretary of Justice:

 

You're not a foreign spy are you? Hahaha

 

These are tough times Comrade. We must be vigilent, yet unified. I had acted in accordance to my auspices of the office. While true, you are the only Cabinet official that can arrest, in times of crisis I am given temporary emergency powers. Perhaps I shall inform you before exercising them again. I look forward to putting this behind us and working for the glorious State!

[Guest The Superstar]

ATTN: Sodomus Christ

 

Ah ha! But had you read page six of this thread, you would have read our Maximum Proconsul saying the following:

 

"Conflict remains on the Brazil/Paraguay/Argentina front."

[Guest goodhelmet]

Dear Dictator.. er... Procunsel,

 

While checking on my opium fields in China I realize that we can invade them and thier billion citizens from the north if we gain control of Russia. I implore you to take the necessary steps to make sure Russia is under our full control so China and all the fortune cookies I could ask for are under our control.

 

Also, once China is under control, may I also have leadership over that part of the world as well. And throw Japan and Korea in the package as well.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Goodhelmet, I've said already that we're going to leave Asia alone until they legitmately provoke us, and even if we did invade the Asian continent, you would NOT get control over said countries. Invading countries of 18 million like Australia is one thing, invading a continent with a population that outnumbers us by 4:2 is another.

 

Big Poppa Popick, you are falsifying and creating documents at your own will. It is out of line, since no matter what, I have final say. It's bad enough that you couldn't come up with a speech or something.

 

And Superstar. We control all of South America now, that's why we are able to throw all of our forces into the Australian campaign.

[Guest SodomusChrist]

Oh! I win! I win, 1 to nothin!

[Guest The Hollywood Fashion Plate]

I believe Sodumus Christ just referenced Tenacious D, correct?

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

I believe Slickster has a speech to write, correct?

[Guest Incandenza]

believe Sodumus Christ just referenced Tenacious D, correct?

 

Yes. Yes he did.

 

Now, Angelina and I must return to our seats before the first intermission ends.

[Guest AP Newswire]

WASHINGTON -- Assistant Proconsul Kinetic, rather than stay at the Convention for its duration as the rest of the Cabinet had, sped away from FedEx field in a black Lincoln TownCar immediately following his speech.

 

More on this as it develops.

[Guest AP Newswire]

WASHINGTON --- Following Kinetic's departure from the convention taking place at FedEx, the Maximum Proconsul and the Secretary of Justice were overheard in a heated argument over the Assistant Proconsul's actions as of late. After much deliberation, the Nessun Dorma were sent to follow the Assistant Proconsul and fulfill the role of bodyguards for the Assistant Proconsul until further notice. What this means for the State is still unkown at this time.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Goddammit, tell me when you're going to do stuff like that. Bring the Nessun Dorma back. His personal Praetorian Guard will do just fine.

[Guest justsoyouknow]

OK I'M GOING TO POST SOME NEWS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!1

--------------------------------------------------------

 

Newflash: The Secretary of Justice is reportedly, "fed up with this bullshit," and has left the convetion.

[Guest AP Newswire]

WASHINGTON---Commander of Commerce Anglesault suffered a broken ankle from his humiliating fall from the helicopter tonight. Anglesault stuck it out, finished his speech, but was transported to a nearby hospital after the convention. Early reports state that Anglesault will be on crutches for two weeks, and then have to wear a goofy air cast for another four. Anglesault vows that this injury will not effect his work.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

All right everyone, the Australian embassy has been burnt down, and Aussies across the country are fleeing to Asia, the closest sanctuary. Pretty funny that people used to flee to Canada, and NOW THEY CAN'T!!!!!!

 

Oh, by the way, I have no idea where Kinetic went to in that car.

[Guest kane3212321]

Oh great dictator I would like to apply for the position of Ayatollah of Agriculture, so where do I sign up?

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

I don't know, considering you live in a country we have yet to conquer fully, you are not up for consideration. Maybe once we take the whole country you can apply for something after being naturalized.

 

Either way, the State wants nothing to do with the slimy worthless bastards who made 6/19 a reality for us. We not only hate your government, we hate you too!

[Guest Kinetic]

Gentlemen,

 

I can't be long, unfortunately, as I fear my life may be in danger. I just want to brief you all on the events surrounding last Friday and my departure from the convention yesterday evening. To be thorough, I'd need to begin sometime last week.

 

Chelsea and I attended a gala for olive oil awareness in Rome, for which we had received an invitation beneath the door of our hotel room days earlier. Unsuspecting, we both scrubbed vigorously with lemon water and donned our finest clothing--we knew Italians were very fashion-forward and wanted to appear hip and with it. I suspected some mafia presence, I admit, but I had no reason to suspect that such an enormous conspiracy against me was being hatched beneath my prominent nose. It was at this gala that I met Cecilia Allesandro, the now-deceased wife of powerful mobster Jimmy "The Fist" Allesandro. Such a striking woman I had never laid eyes upon! As Chelsea was doing her sensitive humanitarian routine with some of the proles in attendance, I slinked across the room to introduce myself. We hit it off immediately, her intoxicating laughter subduing me as we discussed man and God and law. I asked her to accompany Chelsea and I back to America and she agreed, not bothering to discuss it with her estranged husband. This would prove to be a fatal error, I regret, but none of us were aware of the repercussions at that early date. I broke the news of Cecilia’s accompaniment to Chelsea in our hotel room that night and she took it surprisingly well. Having seen me in action for some two weeks at that point, one would have to suspect that she’d realized that no one woman could contain my boundless sexual energy. So it was that Cecilia Allesandro took the long ride home with Chelsea Clinton and me. I daresay that the thought of a dual love affair briefly crossed my mind, but that’s neither here nor there.

 

It was on my first night back—with Chelsea in California and Cecilia and I in Washington D.C.—that a knock came upon my door. My Praetorian Guard interrupted my slumber to inform me that members of Jimmy “The Fist’s’” mafia family were there to see me. At that point, I was given an ultimatum: Kill Cecilia or we’ll kill you. That was it, essentially. I didn’t want to do it. I attempted to use my considerable political clout to avoid having to do it. But, alas, there was little room to maneuver. On Friday evening, I set out with the specific purpose of killing Cecilia Allesandro by means of a gunshot wound to the head. Yes, that’s correct. For you see, at the unveiling of the newest statue erected in my honor, I came to realize that I was in love with the departed Miss. Allesandro. She had captured a part of me in a short period of time that no woman had before. At the eleventh hour, I decided not to have her killed. I would hide her. We would hide together. We departed the unveiling with the intention of setting out for Peru until the dust settled, only to realize that my brake lines had been cut and I had no control over the vehicle. Thus, it collided with the mighty Potomac and instantly killed my beloved Cecilia. My injuries, despite the purely cosmetic neck brace, are negligible. The real issue here is that my life is in severe peril. There are men who now wish to see me dead and I’m not entirely sure what to do about. As a result, I’ve gone into seclusion and, as the Maximum Proconsul intimated last night, will not be able to perform my Assistant Proconsul-y duties for the foreseeable future. It is my hope that the State of America prospers in my absence, though I suspect that losing a figure such as myself will cause untold amounts of damage to the infrastructure of our great system. I apologize for this. Rest assured, however, that if I am to survive this ordeal I will return to my post.

 

Sincerely,

Kinetic

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

We've got you covered. Don't worry. Just send some kind of signal and the Nessun Dorma will make those mafiosos look like a bunch of kids trying to fight heavyweight champs.

[Guest AP Newswire]

ATLANTA -- After last night's convention, Kinetic was sped away from FedEx Field in a State car to a waiting helicopter, which took him to Andrews Air Force Base. There, he declined comments for the press and boarded Executor II for Atlanta. Upon his arrival in Atlanta, he was rushed to the Center for Disease Control, where he is currently being held due to his contraction of an incredibly rare, almost unprecedented disease called Roman Decay. He contracted the disease on his last evening in Rome.

 

The CDC was the only place in the Western Hemisphere with treatment for such a disease, which works its devastating devilry by causing an excess of acetylcholine to be transmitted into the synapses between neurons in the brain, which causes an extensive amount of activity in cells of organs and some muscles, which kills the cells when they exhaust their energy. Another consideration is that he may have been exposed to Nerve Gas while inspecting hotbeds of Italian Mafia activity, but that would have killed him after fourteen minutes of seizure.

 

The Assistant Proconsul wore his neck brace so as to not worry the population until he thought it was time to release news of his disease. Recovery time varies from patient to patient, and Kinetic's is unknown. Treatment involves extracting of Calcium ions from the body, which are the triggers of neurotransmitter release. Kinetic was fortunately admitted for treatment before the disease passed the terminal point.

 

We wish him a speedy recovery. Send your letters and cards of condolence and comfort to the office of the Assistant Proconsul. We will send them to Atlanta.

 

In other news, a Nessun Dorma officer was killed in Sicily today while doing a routine patrol around the streets of Palermo. There is a large State presence in Sicily and Italy, as protection from possible attack from North Africa by enemies of the State.

 

Sydney enters day two of its seige, as the State's military forces are encountering stiff resistance in the suburbs of the Australian metropolis. Progress in the North has been swift, since Australia has rushed most of its forces to defend the Southeastern area of the country, despite the capture of Melbourne. Fighting is said to be house-to-house in Canberra. Adelaide is only held tenuously, fierce counterattacks from the north have shaken the State's new control over the city, and the line almost broke around 6:30 this morning, but forces were rushed to the front from the coastal guard and plugged the hole. Rumor has it that some Australian units were able to punch through the line and get into the rear guard, but any evidence of that is gone now, as they have surely been obliterated by the surrounding army. Progress in the West is quick, as the Aussies have seemingly given up on relieving the whole state and are concentrating on relieving Perth, allowing State forces to move further east to connect with the forces near Adelaide. Fighting is fierce on all fronts, and the deserts are providing a natural buffer around which the State's forces must go. This makes the campaign much more difficult than thought. Paramount is controlling the entire perimeter of the island, so as to keep any ememy divisions from escaping, but the forces that tried to do this in Queensland failed to make it due to very powerful resistance and the mountainous terrain. Word has it that civilians and some Australian officials are fleeing through gaps in State coastal holdings to Indonesia and New Zealand, where they have been promptly sent somewhere else. Tasmania is now completely under State control minus Hobart, where the State suffered a loss on the outskirts after a breakneck pace and little sleep that allowed them to literally mow over the entire island. The campaign is going almost as expected so far on all fronts, as the Australians have historically been known as tremendous soldiers, especially in such cases as Gallipoli and the famous Rats of Tobruk. The Maximum Proconsul has assured the President of Indonesia that State forces will not pursue Australians who make it onto Indonesian soil.

 

Things have reportedly patched up between the Maximum Proconsul and Secretary of Justice. Both men attribute their argument at the Convention to patriotic emotions sparked by the Convention and nervousness over the Australian issue. The program to arrest tourists and question immigrants has gone somewhat well so far, but tourists are very hard to locate by simple search, and some are remarkably good at covering up their accents.

 

Commander of Commerce Anglesault is recovering from his fall at the Convention at George Washington University Hospital in Washington. Surgery tok two hours, and he is said to be resting well, after being released from the Recovery Room at 4:50 AM last night. He has asked for prodigous amounts of green Jello.

 

A man was seen outside the newly vacated Ministry of Agriculture this morning, planting a bomb near the door while trying to tell Nessun Dorma officers he just wanted a job. He quickly told them that he was an Australian resident and was arrested on the spot, and roughed up for being a complete idiot. He is currently being held for attempted destruction of a Ministry building, punishable by death or 99 years in prison. Considering the anti-Aussie sentiment running in the State, his chances for a prison sentence do not look good.

 

More news as events develop.

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

/ooc umm, whats the password for AP Newsire?

/ooc

 

 

************AP NewsWire

 

The Tour of Africa

by Staff Reporter Bob Costas

 

Recently under fire Lord of Foreign Policy Big Poppa Popick touched down just outside of Cape Town, South Africa at 9 am Eastern Standard Time to begin his tour of the African continent.

 

Reporters on the scene asked him numerous questions about his problems with the Justice Department, Commandant AngleSault, and his absence at the Convention.

 

Big Poppa Popick responded by stating that he has ordered his Department to undergo a procedural review with the assistance of the Justice so that further issues do not happen. He wishes JustsoYouKnow the best and looks forward to playing golf with him when he returns from the tour.

 

On the subject of AngleSault, Big Poppa Popick was sadden to hear of the Commerce leader's unfortunate injury, and has sent flowers to his residence as a gesture of goodwill. BPP assures the reporters that the situation is being handled by El Psycho Diablo, who has yet to issue a report to the Foreign Policy office.

 

As per his absence at the Convention, BPP had prepared a taped statement since he was already scheduled to be en route to Africa at that time and was unaware of the scale of operations in the Australian sphere. However, in the ruckus caused by the idiotic instigator, the tape was forgotten about.

 

Big Poppa Popick went on to say that this tour isn't about anything but how the State of America can best help the nations of Africa end their suffering and poverty. He is set to tour a South African medical facility, a Nissan Plant, and the local government offices, delivering a speeh to the South African Congress tomorrow morning. Inside sources specualte it could be the announcement of a possible Free Trade Area that the OFP has been working towards for sometime.

 

After questions, BPP left the tarmac and met with high government officials, no doubt in negotiations of most importance to both nations.

 

End Report

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

About the password:

 

(musically) Try... reading... whole threads...

 

It's COMMANDER of Commerce, for the second time!

 

You are the Ministry of Foreign Policy, not the Office of Foreign Policy, and the State is very opposed to acronyms. We call ourselves the Abbey Party because we hate them so.

 

Why are you sending the Chief of Intelligence to investigate Anglesault breaking his ankle? Speaking of him, he arranges trade, once again, he arranges trade.

 

That is all.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

I have created a nice sig picture that people can use that isn't a big-ass map. I will use it myself also, and post an update map of Australia only.

 

 

There it is. Use at will.

[Guest The Hollywood Fashion Plate]

MESSAGE FROM THE OVERLORD OF HOMELAND SECURITY

 

My fellow citizens,

I regret not having been able to address you at the official convention in Washington, but my plane was about to leave from Heathrow when suddenly it was seized by neo-Nazis! However, EuroGuard (formerly EuroDefense) forces quickly dispatched them all within moments, and I was on my way...or so it seemed.

 

Two hours into the flight, I checked my personal GPS and noticed that we were flying toward Germany, not Washington! I leapt from my chair and ran fr the cockpit. Inside, I discovered that the pilot was wearing an SS uniform! He rose from his chair and quickly attacked me with his restored Luger! His weapon, however, was no match for my knowledge of jeet kune do, and within moments he lay unconscious on the floor.

 

I won't go into the details of how I landed the plane in Germany or how I returned here to DC, but I will tell how my story effectively describes my plan for increasing homeland security. I feel that hate groups are an unseen cancer that gravely afflicts our great expansive nation.

 

Therefore, I will begin a program to systematically eliminate all racist, bigoted, sexually abusive, and misogynistic factions continent by continent (starting here in North America). I will declare their views as detrimental to the State and as such will eliminate them.

 

I will report back to the party via satellite for some time now, each time from a different part of the SOA eradicating evil.

In order to better the lives of our 345 million citizens, this is what I propose for the State of America!

 

*'Jive Soul Bro' hits*

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

We're actually up to around 2 billion or so.

 

And going to Germany wouldn't have been so bad, since we own it and all. You could have started up a conversation with our fellow fascists too. Just don't bring up Jewish people, they're kinda touchy on that.