Ask The Dictator!

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

I thought the intelligence was...eh...whatever...

 

thanks for the password, i count find it in the thread darn eyes, im doing so much work for the state its ruining my vision

 

And I will make a note to change all stationary to remove any offensive abbreviations...

 

 

Back to the salt mines of South Africa to see the worker's struggle against the capitalist pig first hand...

 

But aren't we capitalists...

 

eh, I'll need to ask our Minister of Propoganda about that

 

One final note, can you make a post with the entire organization structure as it stands today?

 

Thanks The diplomats wanted one for decorating their offices

[Guest massivHEDtrauma]

Extremely badass sig pic, Kotzen. In the interest of both conformity and coolness, I am taking measures to adopt it right now.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

"Thanks The diplomats wanted one for decorating their offices."

 

In other words, you're clueless.

 

There aren't any salt mines in South Africa. If anything, it's diamond mines and lentil farms that are exploiting workers.

 

We are very capitalist, yes.

 

I'll make the structure up for the good of the entire Party, not because I'm subsidizing inattentiveness.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

FINALLY! They work again! Here it is, corrected to show the date as 2011 instead of 20011.

 

 

Use this or the other one with Lenin. I'm making a third one also, so you'll have three potential choices.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

 

There, enjoy. Hopefully my pictures will start working in this thread soon. They work everywhere else.

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

BPP:

 

So that's what all that white stuff in the rocks was...ohhh...hmmm...I think that would make a nice trade treaty...So Kotzenjunge, what should we offer our new friends in South Africa in exchange for these shiny jewels?

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

You were in South Africa, not America. And YOU DO NOT NEGOTIATE TRADE TREATIES.

 

One more screwup, and you will not be allowed back into the State when you try to return.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Finally, the third sig picture. Another commemorative one.

 

 

Enjoy!

 

EDIT: Not again... no more uploads for me for a while.

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

Um, no. Here's an idea: Get on the good side of Nigeria. We could use a nice oil treaty from your diplomacy and Commander Anglesault's economic savvy.

BPP calls up KotzenJunge:

 

Sir, I am terribly confused. A few days ago you had asked me to look into a "nice oil treaty with Nigeria." Here's a transcript of what you said at the bottom. I assumed from that conversation that I was to look into such things...

 

Thank you for the information

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Your DIPLOMACY. In other words, GET ON THEIR GOOD SIDE. You aren't even in Nigeria, unless the country uprooted itself and travelled three thousand miles south-southeast.

 

Anyway, so there is no confusion, you are a mouthpiece for the State that travels around the world. You don't make treaties, but you can propose them with other countries in terms of military or possessions matters. All economic treaties are handled by Anglesault.

 

The idea is that when you sign up, you know what your job is.

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

From the Desk of the Lord of Foreign Policy,

 

Greetings Officials of the State of America. Today was a glorious day for the State, as my hosts here in South America have been very receptive and have put on a grand banquet in celebration of our campaign against the evil Australians.

 

The President of South Africa would personally like to wish AngleSault and Kinetic a speedy recover from their ailments.

 

The South Africans are very interested in several proposals. These proposals will be typed up in the proper format and presented to the appropriate offices upon my return.

 

Tomorrow I shall embark on a flight to Nigeria, where Maximum ProConsul KotzenJunge has asked me to grace with my austere presence.

 

Have a good night gentlemen.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Okay, you are stripped of your office and not being allowed back into the State. I come on to tell everyone about our progress in Australia and post a map, and I see you claiming to be in two places at once.

 

Not to mention getting the Proconsul's name wrong. Kotzenjunge, not KotzenJunge. Do you realize how UGLY that looks????

 

We are now accepting applications for a Lord of Foriegn Policy, an office that seems to be cursed.

[Guest Big Poppa Popick]

Umm...I am not in two places at once...but whatever, I thought I was doing what you had asked...

 

*sighs*

[Guest AP Newswire]

NEWSFLASH:

------------------

The current Lord of Foreign Policy, Big Poppa Poppick, has been removed from his office after a heated dispute with the Maximum Proconsul over the quality of his work. While the Lord of Foreign Policy has been allowed to continue to reside within the country, his duties have been revoked. There is currently an opening within the State Cabinet for a Lord of Foreign Policy. All interested may submit their applications.

 

In other news, the winners of the speech contest have been decided. The Secretary of Justice, justsoyouknow, and the Czar of Propoganda, massiveHEDtrauma, have been elected co-winners, and shall split the island. The Secretary of Justice now reigns over Southern Australia, while the Czar of Propoganda has been chosen to rule Victoria. How this will play out with current issues between the two is yet to be seen. The Secretary of Justice has already ordered construction done on erecting a new building for the Ministry of Justice. Actions for the Czar of Propoganda are still in the works.

[Guest El Psycho Diablo]

From the desk of the Chief of Intelligence:

 

I'll write a more detailed report once I hit the ground in China.

 

The only real thing in the Phillipines are several revolutionary movements, which we could exploit to gain control. The Japanese are on the verge of serveral technological advancements which we may want to look into.

 

Being that the Lord of Foreign Policy has been removed, am I to report to the Minister of War, or the Assistant Proconsul himself?

 

On the case of the murder of Cecilia Allesandro, I have taken the liberty of sending agents into the field to investigate the doings of Jimmy "The Fist" Allesandro, but will not act until I recieve orders.

 

I wish a speedy recovery to both the Assistant Proconsul and the Commander of Commerce.

 

-El Psycho Diablo, Chief of Intelligence.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Time for an update on the War in Australia as of 3:08 PM Thursday Sydney time. The last briefing we had had the battle lines standing as such:

 

 

We said those Aussies could fight, and were we right. They're giving us a helluva a fight. First, they pooled their entire Western army and plowed through our lines surrounding Perth, liberating the city and cutting off part of the State's forces. They desperately need to capitalize on this or it will be for naught when the State's forces close the jaws. Their Northern army went East to stunt the progress of the State army advancing north from Brisbane. It stopped the State cold and a smaller force came from the southwest to cut off the rear guard. This puts the State's forces in Queensland in a prickly position, as they are the only army that has been actually stopped in its tracks. This shift in their strategy has allowed the near-hookup of the Northern and Western armies of the State. Rumors were true of civilians trying to get to Indonesia, and their escape in the west is almost sealed off. State military strategists venture to say that the focus on the Queensland front is so the citizens will have an escape route while the Australian army goes down in a Thermoypalae-style blaze of glory. The army itself may evacuate the island should conditions worsen. Attempts to liberate Adelaide almost succeeded, but the State line held. The conquest of Victoria, Czar of Propaganda massivHEDtrauma's future land, was slowed by a counterattack from the same area as the Adelaide force. The Southern Australian campaign goes well, and Secretary of Justice justsoyouknow's future land will be the site of the Southern hookup that will seal off 90% of the island's coast. Sydney has yet to be broken into, and a siege relief force from the northwest has made the State line terribly thin between Sydney and the open country. Tasmania is all but conquered, as the Hobart-stationed Aussie forces are putting up a tremendous fight. Western forces halted their advance into the militarily worthless desert today as well.

 

 

All in all, minus some setbacks, the campaign is mostly going according to plan.

 

Minister of War SupaTaft is handing the war well, despite INCREDIBLY good fights being put up across all fronts by the Aussies.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

You report to the Minister of War. Boy, I'm kinda glad I made that hierarchy structure now.

 

You may send out feelers into the mob community, but only for information. No aggressive activities.

[Guest SupaTaft]

:NEWS FROM THE FRONT:

 

Greetings Kotzenjunge and fellow Cabinet members. I have sent a personal message from the front lines to proudly show that we are making steady progress. We have successfully taken New South Wales and the majority of Queensland. Despite heavy resistance the land is now ours. We have also gained word that the entire Australian "military" is shifting their entire efforts towards our attack on the western coast. It appears that the final battle will take place in eastern Western Australia. Thats all for now.

 

Minister of WAR!!!

-SupaTaft

[Guest The Superstar]

ATTN: Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge and the entire State of America.

 

I am sorry to say that because of circumstances beyond my control, I must resign from my position as Master of the Treasury. I wish all of you the best of luck in your future endeavors and keep the State of America strong.

 

 

-The Superstar

 

 

 

 

 

 

((OOC, I really don't think I'm 'qualified' for this as I really don't know what the hell I'm doing, and I'm not too knowledgable about government. But it's been a blast, thanks.))

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Minister of War SupaTaft, this is the main problem I have with your conduct and "reports." Completely unrealistic. There's no way in hell we've taken Queensland and New South Wales. Also, how many wars end in a "Final battle?" this isn't a movie. Those koala-loving bastards are still managing to go toe to toe with us, even though we've inflicted 35% casualties on them. A more realistic report would have been "We have taken Hobart finally, and the siege relief forces near Sydney were turned back after almost making it to the city." These Aussies are tough as nails, and there is going to be a PNNN report later from David Lee Roth in New South Wales near the REAL front.

 

Now, if those reports of yours are to the general public, no problem. Keep them in the dark as to how hard of a time we're having.

 

And Superstar, thanks for your brief but good service. You were wise enough to get out when you knew you didn't know enough about how to conduct the State.

[Guest goodhelmet]

due to bleeding of the stomach, I, Chancellor Goodhelmet, have retired my post and will retire in my land of Peru. I will enjoy my time throwing stones into the ocean while seeing the world around us crumble at the hands of an insecure dictator. In the meantime, I will begin writing my memoirs. After my death, they will be used to launch a Revolution and the empire will crumble. BWAHAHAHAHA

 

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

Um, so I guess we need a new Interim Assistant Proconsul, and new Chancellor to the Proconsulate.

 

You are stripped of all of your lands except for Peru. Have a nice retirement.

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

 

That was where we stood 24 hours ago, with Perth being liberated, and a possible military collapse in the northeast. The Perth force has split, and our southwestern army is racing to link up with the Adeliade-based forces, with a fired-up Aussie army nipping at their heels.

 

In brighter news, Tasmania has been taken fully, as has all of Victoria and the bottom part of New South Wales. The line around Sydney, while thin, is at a stalemate now. The Southern army has held, and is advancing west to link with the southwest army. The escape route for civilians in the north has been cut off. A report from the Sydney front by PNNN is in the works.

 

 

Casualties are taking their toll now, as they have been forced to abandon defending anything in the southeast except for Sydney. Their advances in the southwest are limited in reality, and their push against our northeastern forces is faltering in some areas, although still potent. It is glaringly obvious that their military is working solely to make sure that the citizenry can escape the island.

[Guest massivHEDtrauma]

(The visual is black. The words "PNNN News" slowly fade into view in plain white letters before disappearing just as fast. The opening strings of Coma White begin playing and loop successively, as scenes begin flowing with the music. They start with the Old Way, which is the now-common term used to identify times before the Abbey Party. Reagan, Bush, Clinton and Dubya all swearing into office, then, finally, Maximum Proconsul Kotzenjunge's glorious day of acceptance into American history. This follows with a shot of the new State flag, glorious in its crimson waves, which fades into shots of the new State army marching in uniform, in perfect sync with each other, one unit in defense of the greatest nation to ever be on this wretched planet. Finally, after all this, and with the beauty of these images, Kotzenjunge once again fades onto the screen, his words from the Convention ringing loudly over the strings of music which fade out and stop with his speaking, "LONG LIVE AMERICA!!!" Finally, this fades to black and normal news-type music plays as an announcer says along with the graphic which now reads clearly, THE STATE OF THE STATE OF AMERICA. The announcer continues as a floating shot of two people at a desk with papers strewn about, "here is your PNNN News Team, Connie Chung and Dan Rather." The camera closes in on another shot, with both squarely in the picture, looking serene and confident. No one can tell they read from a teleprompter.)

 

Dan Rather: Hello, America, this is Dan Rather...

 

Connie Chung: And I'm Connie Chung.

 

Dan Rather: ...welcoming you to this special news bulletin, The State of The State. It has been just under four days since America declared war on Australia, and the battles have already begun en masse. America has started with a tactical surrounding of the island of Australia, slowly closing in on her heart. Already taken are Australian holdings such as Tasmania, New South Wales, Perth and Victoria, with such hotbeds as Adelaide and Sydney soon to follow. Truly, The State has already shown its superiority over the Australian forces. And it is just a matter of time before the entire continent falls to our mighty fist. Later on in the show, a report straight from the battle lines sent by our new Head Correspondent, David Lee Roth. But first, here's Geraldo Rivera, with a notable commenting on the cause for this soon-to-be complete victory.

 

(Screen flashes to a few shots of Washington D.C., the White House, the George Washington Memorial, the Lincoln Memorial, the Kotzenjunge Bridge, etc., etc., as Geraldo Rivera's voice rings over the proceedings.)

 

Geraldo Rivera: It has been almost four days since what Washington has called "Operation: Dingoslaughter" began, and the news for its commencement has been slow in coming. Following a statement recieved straight from the Maximum Proconsul himself, PNNN News is here to talk about the cause of the war with one who knows the most about its atrocity - a prominent Australian celebrity.

 

(Geraldo Rivera flashes on screen in a static room with red wallpaper and golden lamps hanging about. Geraldo is wearing a bandage on his right cheek. )

 

Geraldo Rivera: Hello, I'm Geraldo Rivera. While the exact contents of the letter from our grand Maximum Proconsul cannot be divulged, as it contained invaluable information of the Operation itself, PNNN News has been instructed by its masters to bring to you, the people of America, the reasoning behind this, our greatest war. It all began in southern Australia in early 1984, on a set of a popular off-Broadway musical making its tour throughout the world. A new actor had just been cast for the leading role, a rather peculiar transvestite, in Wellington, New Zealand. More on him in a moment. But what occurred on that day in early 1984 lead to an epidemic that has now spread throughout Australia - child labor. During these hot months in Australia, children were being exploited for their potential work load, a resource untapped by the moral rest-of-the-world. What started in one sleazebag production spread and spread until, as we were told to by the Maximum Proconsul himself, all domestic and otherwise common workers in Australia simply stopped working sometime earlier this very year and forced their children to take the reigns. I am here with the man who first encountered this activity on that set in early 1984, Russell Ira Crowe.

 

(Russell Crowe walks up and stands next to Geraldo Rivera holding an Oscar in one hand and a very attractive woman on his other arm. Crowe is almost more than twice as wide as Geraldo, who looks a bit intimidated.)

 

Geraldo Rivera: Mr. Crowe, thank you for coming. Tell us what you saw on that day.

 

Russell Crowe (very thick Australian accent, speaks down into the microphone that Geraldo is holding): Oi, that day was weird because see I was playin' Frank N Furter in Rocky Horror Picture Show and I noticed all these bloomin' lttle Joeys runnin' about. It was quite surreal for me, yeh know? Here I am, this strugglin' actor gettin' his big break about to go and buy a pint for all my mates when I see these kids runnin' about the place, givin' people garters and lingerie and whatnot, yeh know, for the floor show! There wasn't a real worker in sight! Now since then I been in lotsa movies, yeh know (gestures to the Oscar), and I seen lotsa grips, even this one midget fella, but nothin' like this. It was like we were in the bleedin' American depression or somethin'! The director just played it legit and I didn't ask a question!

 

Geraldo Rivera: Mr. Crowe, are you saying that all of the worker were children?

 

Russell Crowe: Well, yeah, most of 'em! It was like a bloomin' kindergarten class in there with a buncha weird, gizzied-up adults runnin' the show!

 

Geraldo Rivera: Mr. Crowe, why didn't you divulge this information at the time?

 

Russell Crowe: Well, it was my big break, I couldn't do that to the production. So I've kept silent up till now. Bleedin' hell, I haven't been to Australia for years now, been busy wit' other things (gestures to woman who has a dreamy look on her face), I thought all those shenanigans stopped after the 'Lympics!

 

Geraldo Rivera: Mr. Crowe, how could this have been possible without anyone finding out?

 

Russell Crowe: Well, I donno. I spose it involves some vast governmental conspiracy, prolly a big Kennedy-type deal, either that or you Americans just aren't quite all there or somethin'. I saw bleedin' tourists runnin' 'round grand old Aus takin' photos 'o' the kids who took their luggage! They thought it was a all part 'o' the show!

 

Geraldo Rivera: I'm sorry, Mr. Crowe, but that just isn't possible. Tell us the truth.

 

Russell Crowe: You callin' me a liar? Don't make me give ya another bust in the chops, mate!

 

Geraldo Rivera (backing down): Oh, no need for that. Thank you Mr. Crowe, you've been more than kind.

 

Russell Crowe: Thank you, Riviera. C'mon Lucy, let this dingo eat your...(girl giggles red-faced as Crowe whispers sweet nothings in her ear)

 

Geraldo Rivera: This is Geraldo Rivera in Washington, D.C. Back to you, Dan.

 

(Flash back to Dan Rather, whose jaw is slightly dropped and has a look of desperation in his face.)

 

Dan Rather: That is...quite unbelievable. If this is true...then this American aggression has been sufficiently explained enough for me. Especially in the wake of 6/19. How dare these bastard eucalyptus-having sons of bitches dare ever TRY TO DO SOMETHING AS HORRIBLE AS THESE POOR KIDZZZZZzzzzzzz - bzzzzzzzzzzz - - -

 

(Dan Rather's mic goes out and the visual quickly flashes to a technical difficulties sign that shows a cartoon picture of a cameraman tripped over a wire. This stands for a few moments until the screen fades back and Connie Chung is sitting in Dan Rather's place.)

 

Connie Chung: Hello, I'm Connie Chung. We at PNNN News would like to apologize for the technical difficulties, a dolly grip apparently, uh, accidentally spilled some coffee on a monitor. All is well now, and I have been instructed to give full details on the children labor occurring in Australia, as well as 6/19. Apparently, this has, in fact, been kept from the general world for quite a while as the Australian government knew something like this would occur. Child labor has been instituted on a grand scale in Australia. This all leads to the true reason aggression has been so swift and brutal, as you all know by now, the events of 6/19. A squadron of top agents within the Nessun Dorma was sent to Australia on a typical recon mission wherein the entire team witnessed the horrible actions being taken. Horrified, the team panicked and made an emergency call to the Nessun Dorma headquarters in Washington informing them of the heinous activity. The call was intercepted by the government of Australia and an all-out attack was put into motion as a result. 6/19 was the outcome. The whereabouts of the elite squad of Nessun Dorma are unknown, and their families have been duly compensated. (looking quickly off-screen) Back now, here is Dan Rather.

 

(Connie Chung gets up and lets Dan have his seat. He looks pissed. He has obviously splashed water on his face to quell his rage.)

 

Dan Rather: America, I must apologize for my actions, for the statements I made. They were inappropriate and I am sorry. Let's all concentrate on the subject at hand, DESTROYING AUSTRALIA. (Rather pauses for a second to see if anyone is going to attempt to reprimand him) From the battle lines of Australia, here is our own Head Correspondent, David Lee Roth....

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

TO BE CONTINUED (that's the midpoint, kiddies!)

[Guest AP Newswire]

LIMA -- Former Interim Assistant Proconsul and Chancellor to the Proconsulate Goodhelmet settled in at his palace here in Peru for his long retirement, after a bleeding stomach condition. The State wishes him well.

 

The Maximum Proconsul accepted the lands of Texas and Europe back after the Chancellor signed his letter of resignation, since those lands were tied into his duties and Peru was the only land that was legally transferred to the Chancellor himself.

 

Nessun Dorma investigators in Palermo today engaged in a firefight with local Mafia members. The officers were investigating the killing of a Nessun Dorma officer on Wednesday here. One officer was killed in the gunfire, and three Mafiosos were confirmed dead with several other wounded. Tensions between the Nessun Dorma and the Italian Mafia are building in Italy, and have been since the death of Cecila Allesandro, the wife of an important Mafia boss here.

 

There is a lot of buzz surrounding the premiere of David Lee Roth on PNNN at the Sydney front in Australia.

 

Assistant Proconsul Kinetic is making progress in his recovery in Atlanta, but doctors are mum on how fast or slow his progress may be. The outpouring of support for the Assistant Proconsul has been huge, with thousands upon thousands of cards and letters(and some flowers) piling up at the front doors of the Office of the Proconsulate in Washington.

 

With the recent firings and departures, the Secretary of Justice is in a prime position to be promoted to Chancellor, say State officials. Being promoted would force him to give up his land in South Australia and control over the Nessun Dorma and Praetorian Guard. The Czar of Propaganda is also said to be in position to be promoted. The Maximum Proconsul is reluctant to do this however, as it would leave even more Cabinet holes.

 

The new Ayatollah of Agriculture has been invisible since his hiring.

[Guest J*ingus]

Nessun Dorma investigators in Palermo today engaged in a firefight with local Mafia members. The officers were investigating the killing of a Nessun Dorma officer on Wednesday here. One officer was killed in the gunfire, and three Mafiosos were confirmed dead with several other wounded. Tensions between the Nessun Dorma and the Italian Mafia are building in Italy, and have been since the death of Cecila Allesandro, the wife of an important Mafia boss here.

I hereby announce that a cinematic adaptation of the Allesandro story is already being scripted as I speak. Chazz Palmenteri is rumored to have expressed interest in playing Jimmy "The Fist", and Nicole Kidman seems to be a lock for the part of the tragic Cecila. Kinetic will be played by whoever he wants, but Guy Pearce is the majority opinion of the staff at the Baron's office. Abel Fererra has been approached to direct the picture.

[Guest Ash Ketchum]

-From The Desk of The Ayatollah of Agriculture-

 

Greetings, Kotzenjunge and fellow Cabinet members. My name is Ash Ketchum, the State of America's new Ayatollah of Agriculture. For those that are ailing, I wish them a quick and speedy recovery. And to all Cabinet, I extend a warm "Hello." (Wait... didn't I just say that?)

 

Recently, I have received a call from the small country of Luxembourg concerning pesticide use, which I am currently taking care of, and another from a small, tree-hugging rebelious group that goes by the name of "Greenpeace". Whether or not this is the true group that originated from Europe is unclear, but I have been assured the situation is being taken care of as I speak. They will be of no trouble to us or our agricultural production.

 

I will be touring the Pampas of Argentina in the following days to see has how to increase productivity there. It shall also help me as to make better choices that shall help the great State of America.

 

-Ash Ketchum, Ayatollah of Agriculture

[Guest Kinetic]

Nessun Dorma investigators in Palermo today engaged in a firefight with local Mafia members. The officers were investigating the killing of a Nessun Dorma officer on Wednesday here. One officer was killed in the gunfire, and three Mafiosos were confirmed dead with several other wounded. Tensions between the Nessun Dorma and the Italian Mafia are building in Italy, and have been since the death of Cecila Allesandro, the wife of an important Mafia boss here.

I hereby announce that a cinematic adaptation of the Allesandro story is already being scripted as I speak. Chazz Palmenteri is rumored to have expressed interest in playing Jimmy "The Fist", and Nicole Kidman seems to be a lock for the part of the tragic Cecila. Kinetic will be played by whoever he wants, but Guy Pearce is the majority opinion of the staff at the Baron's office. Abel Fererra has been approached to direct the picture.

I have to insist on being played by Anthony Michael Hall.

 

*cough*

[Guest goodhelmet]

would that be the dorky "Wierd Science" AMH or the macho, football player from "Johnny B. Goode"?

[Guest Kotzenjunge]

My brief appearances in the film will have me played by Incadenza himself. The First Lady will be played by Sophie Ellis-Bextor.

 

Secretary of Justice justsoyouknow will be played by Mark-Paul Gosselar(sp?), since he has admitted to me that he is a bit of a prep.