Ask Wilford Brimley

[Tommy 0]

Yeah, I've made some enemies over the years. But who hasn't? You can't just go around being friendly to everyone all of the time. It isn't natural.

[PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! 0]

Wilford Brimley, I'm going to see my best friend's first MMA fight this evening, and I have an extra ticket. Who should I bring with me?

[Tommy 0]

This reminds me of the time I fought to keep those damn New Mexico bureaucrats from passing this proposal to outlaw cockfighting. I came up with all this hobbledyhoo about it being part of our tradition, but the truth is that I was making a mint fighting cocks down in Las Cruces every other weekend. It was damn near the best paying gig I ever got, outside of those diabeetus commercials. So, anyway, I fought those damn bureaucrats tooth and nail. And in the end, they never did get the votes they needed. So that just goes to show you that you really can do anything that you set your mind to. You just have to be motivated, is all.

[Maztinho 0]

Wilford, you where in the stands during the Jazz's Finals appearances. I thought you where some sort of Buddha-esque lucky charm. Did you offer the team your belly to rub for good luck? And if you didn't why not?

[Richard 0]

Do you really eat Quaker Oats Oatmeal?

[... 0]

Do you agree that it's criminal "China Syndrome" doesn't get more respect as great piece of filmmaking?

[Lt. Al Giardello 0]

Wanna fite?

[Gary Floyd 0]

When shot in the abdomen, do you really just get more pissed off?

[Jingus 0]

In that scene in The Thing where you were tearing apart the radio room and screaming semi-incoherently: what exactly were you saying? I could never make that dialogue out.

 

Did eating quaker oatmeal give you diabetesh?

[Nighthawk 0]

In that scene in The Thing where you were tearing apart the radio room and screaming semi-incoherently: what exactly were you saying? I could never make that dialogue out.

 

I love that scene! That was my favorite part of Golden Compass too, where that drunk ass bear totally reminded me of Wilford Brimley.

 

Wilford Brimley : Drunk ass bear.

[Guest Smues]

What is/are Diabeetus, and are they related to Diabetes in any way?

[Tommy 0]

Wilford, you where in the stands during the Jazz's Finals appearances. I thought you where some sort of Buddha-esque lucky charm. Did you offer the team your belly to rub for good luck? And if you didn't why not?

 

That Karl Malone was a mountain of a man. I've been around all kinds of ranch hands and lumberjacks all my life, but I've never seen a guy that impressive. We were at the China Buffet one night, and I said to him "What's your secret, Karl? You look like a million goddamn bucks." And he said to me "Wilford, I have to put a syringe in my ass every night. I'm scared to death someone's going to find out. I'm in hell." I'll never forget that. Guy made me pick up the check, too. Son of a bitch makes $10 million a year and he made me pick up the check. Unbelievable.

[Tommy 0]

Do you really eat Quaker Oats Oatmeal?

 

Yessir. Keeps me regular.

[Tommy 0]

Do you agree that it's criminal "China Syndrome" doesn't get more respect as great piece of filmmaking?

 

That Jane Fonda was something to look at in those days. I didn't much care for her politics, but she was some kind of looker. Jack Lemmon was a goddamn son of a bitch. I never could get along with him. If you want the God's honest truth, I've never really understood any of the movies I've been in. "China Syndrome," now, that came out back in '79, right before I was diagnosed with the diabeetus. I still don't know what that movie was about.

[Tommy 0]

When shot in the abdomen, do you really just get more pissed off?

 

How old are you? You talk like a goddamn queer, if you don't mind me saying.

[Tommy 0]

In that scene in The Thing where you were tearing apart the radio room and screaming semi-incoherently: what exactly were you saying? I could never make that dialogue out.

 

"Call Liberty to have your diabeetus supplies delivered to your door. They can help you live a better life."

 

[Tommy 0]

What is/are Diabeetus, and are they related to Diabetes in any way?

 

You're just some kind of smart ass, right? I bet you think you're King Shit because all of these people in the computer think you're some kind of comedian. Well, if you ask me, you're no comedian. You know, I did a USO tour with Bob Hope years ago. That was a comedian. He was even funnier off the stage than he was on it. Yeah, we had some good times. He's dead now, you know.

[... 0]

Follow up question: your least favorite rodeo event and why?

[Richard 0]

What's your problem with cocks anyway?

[geniusMoment 0]

What the fuck, why didn't you start Roy Hobbes right away. What are you some kind of queer or something?

[Tommy 0]

Follow up question: your least favorite rodeo event and why?

 

Well, sir, I believe that'd have to be the Saddle Bronc. When I was riding steers and horses back in the '40s, nobody used a saddle. They would have laughed you right out of the profession. Rodeo's just like anything else nowadays. The government gets its claws into it, and then the Nancies want to come in and change all the rules, and sooner'n you know you can't even recognize the thing anymore. When I was coming up, rodeo was a man's business. Now you got saddles and clowns and all of this nonsense. It's a damn shame, if you ask me.

[Tommy 0]

What's your problem with cocks anyway?

 

I never had any problem with cocks. Those cocks never had it so good as when I was around. I took good care of them and they took good care of me, if you can follow what I'm saying. It was those bastards in Santa Fe that had a problem with cocks. See, they were trying to pass this law that would outlaw cockfighting in the state of New Mexico. I marched up there, mad as hell, and gave them all of this B.S. about tradition, but the truth is that I was making money hand over fist fighting those little bastards down in Las Cruces every other weekend.

 

I can't for the life of me remember how that story ends.

[Tommy 0]

What the fuck, why didn't you start Roy Hobbes right away. What are you some kind of queer or something?

 

Son, that was a character that I played in a movie. That was the one with those weird little mop creatures, wasn't it? Ewoks. That's what they were. Those costumes stunk to high heaven. I about shit when I walked on that set for the first time. I'll never forget it.

[Dandy 0]

Life?

[Richard 0]

What advice would you give to young people trying to break in to show biz?

 

[Angle-plex 0]

I watched About A Boy a few years ago. I remember liking it. Does that make me gay?

 

Also, how hard are you right now?

[Nighthawk 0]

 

I'm sober and I'm still hearing hidden messages after a few minutes of this. "God beat his giant penis"?

[Richard 0]

My brain hurts.

[EL BRUJ0 0]

Mr Brimley, what's your take on this story here:

 

DELIVERANCE star BURT REYNOLDS was so impressed with country legend WILLIE NELSON when they met, the actor's now convinced they'd have made the perfect gay couple.

 

Reynolds and Nelson teamed up to make appearances in the upcoming movie adaptation of cult TV show DUKES OF HAZZARD, and twice-divorced Reynolds admits he almost immediately saw a perfect partner in the singer.

He says, "When I worked with Willie Nelson - who is just about the nicest man I've ever worked with in my life - I thought, 'If I'd have been gay, it would've saved me millions, just because we'd still be happily married.'

[Tommy 0]

 

First of all, you've got to grab that son of a bitch by his pecker. There's no sense in being shy here, son. You just have to grab him by his pecker and show him who's boss. Now, a lot of the younger cowhands have devices to make this easier, but I prefer the old-fashioned method. What you do is, you have to take that hand you used to grab his pecker just a second ago and grab him by one of his testicles. Now press that testicle up against his nutsack. You're not getting squeamish on me, are you? If you want your beef to sell for shit, this is just something you have to do, son. Now get your knife and cut a hole in his scrotum that's more or less the size of one of his balls. That son of a bitch is going to bleed, so you have to drain all that out of there. Now get your knife up in there and slice up all those cords and such, and that testicle should pop right out. Repeat that process on the other testicle, and you're done. That bastard's nutsack is going to swell up pretty good in the few days after that, so you're going to want to keep an eye on him. If the swelling doesn't go down, you're going to have to get back into his scrotum to squeeze all of the clotted blood out of there. This is all part of being a ranch hand, son. You're not going to make it in this profession if you're afraid to get your hands dirty.