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It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

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How To Vibrate
 

I'm Done For Now

I can't post here, at least not for a while. Why? It's a long story. I'll be other places (The Pit) for now at least. I'll miss the place.         *Bows. Walks off.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Smegma

Hello TSM. How are you? Are you comfortable? May I offer you a beverage?   Anyways, things are alright. Classes are alright (I'm taling a class on Satire, which seems like it's going to be great) and it's snowing. Actually, it's jst snow on the ground at the moment. Anywho, it's been largely uneventful lately. Ortonsault hates me (fine, I'll shut up about Leena), and I'm about to lose to 909 in the Best poster tournament round 1 (at least I'm up against a good poster.)   Oh well.   I have class a feature story writing class at 8:30 in the morning now, so I'm pretty tired just about all the time at the moment. I have a roomate too now, though I lucked out this time, as he's a good guy (and a fellow H.P. Lovecraft fan)-oh, and he works part time as an Indy Wrestler. This is the second guy I've known who works part time for Indy promotions.   And that's what's up with my world. Hope you're happy TSM.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

3
How To Vibrate
 

Brody's on Ignore.

Brody: Take your 9/11 truther bullshit out of the CE folder. I'm as Anti-Bush as you'll get, and even I don't believe that "9/11 Was an Inside Job" bullshit. If you do, then congrats! You're retarded.   Seriously, I fucking hate truthers.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

4
How To Vibrate
 

The End of EHME

Febuary 10th, 2009. The day EHME was put to rest (banned)   Granted, this banning was a long time coming. The man had been skirting the edges since 2006. People were calling for his banning then, and they were recently. His entire tough guy act was terrible-he couldn't even do that right. Everything about the man was annoying.   His constant homophobia, drunken (and sometimes coked up) antics that were more tiresome than interesting (he couldn't even do drunk posting right), terrible attempts at starting fights with others, threats of violence towards other posters, cliched tough guy dialogue (fuck you, bitch, fag, faggot, etc), impregnating a woman (and gloating about it-seriously, who the fuck does that? It's amazing protective services haven't taken the kid away yet), horrible attempts at humor (saying your only kidding when threatening posters is no excuse for sucking you dumb fuck), and general attitude served as nothing but a detriment to the board. At times, he was so horrible, he actually made me long for the days of the likes of CronoT.   Now he's gone. Or at least until Mike unbans him and pisses everyone off for being a dolt.   Will he be missed? Fat chance. Every message board has it's EHME. Hell, we have a terrible poster or two or more banned every year. It's just that this one was two or three years too late. In the end, nobody will miss him or his antics. He had enough chances already, and today was the last one. He finally blew it. Sure, there are other terrible posters here, but there was only one EHME on this board. And one was enough. He wasn't the worst poster we've had (that prize goes to either MikeSC or wildpegasus), but he was undoubtably one of the worst.   So good riddence.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

5
How To Vibrate
 

Final Best and Worst of Awards 08

-Comercials that most need to end-The Geico Cavemen. Look, it was amusing at first, but it got old fast. Now it's gotten past the point of flogging a dead horse-it's practically sodomizing it. The more I see these, the more annoyed I get.   -The finally cancelled award-Mind of Mencia and MadTV. While Mencia was horrible, it didn't pollute the airwaves as long as MadTV did. For giving the world terrible music video parodies, Ms. Swan, Stuart (I want to personally kill Michael McDonald), that annoying old lady who plugged her ears and said "La La La" over and over again, Bobby Lee, and helping to make Frank Caliendo a star, it may be the worst comedy show in history. At least it gave us Nicole Sullivan (who has always been easy on the eyes,), Phil Lamarr (who's turned out to be a pretty good voice actor), and Artie Lang, but that doesn't make for a case for forgivness. The crimes it has comitted are far too numerous.   -People actually like this?-Twilight. Really, when I was a kid, I saw a picture of Nosferatu. It gave me nightmares. Vampires should be cool, not this retarded shit. This almost makes the goth chic vampires of "Underworld" and their ilk look tolerable.   -Worst Food Network Personality-Guy Fieri. In a network with Paula Deen and Rachel Ray (who I'd fuck given the chance), this bleach blonede, sunglasses on the back of my head wearing douche makes my blood boil. My hatred of this man knows no bounds.   -Best type of Metal-Doom Metal. I like Technical Death Metal and Thrash and some Black Metal, but Doom is the best.   -Worst Critic-Armond White. A man who unironically references the Ting-Tings, hated "The Dark Knight", "Milk", "There Will Be Blood", "Slumdog Millionaire", and other acclaimed movies, but loved "Norbit" and "Chuck and Larry", he has to be a practical joke.   -Most Certifiable insane Presidential candidates-Cynthia McKinney and Lee Mercer jr. McKinney believes 9/11 conspiracies, that the government killed 5,000 men in New Orleans, and hates the Jews (kkktookmybabyaway comment forthcoming.) Mercer though-it's a shame his site is gone, because he was a whole golden pot of insanity. He also looked an awful lot like Michael Clark Duncan. Look him up on Google, you will be entertained for hours.   -Worst Avatar-Anyone with their picture as an Avatar-especially Enigma and NoCalMike. I can't believe I used to like Mike.   -Farewell To These Shows-"The Shield", "Pushing Daisies", and "The Wire." Shield and Wire are tied for me as best crime show ever, and had great runs, and while "Daisies" isn't gone yet, it will be soon. At least I still have "The Venture Bros."   -One Gets Worse and One Gets Better-"Family Guy" and "American Dad." "Family Guy" is so terrible now, I wonder if Seth isn't pulling some kind of "Wacky Deli" style prank on us. "American Dad" however, is much better, as it actually is funny, pays attention to things like plot and characterization, and doesn't rely on bad cut away gags. Plus, the social commentary is less forced and preachy.   -Worst Wrestling Promotion-TNA. I rarely mention wrestling here anymore, but TNA is like WCW in it's late period levels bad. It's like some kind of Dadaist interpretation of Professional Wrestling.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

The Friday The 13th Series: A Brief Retrospective

In case you didn't know, the "Friday the 13th" remake recently made the top spot in the box office. Well, in retrospective, here's a look at the series so far:   -Friday the 13th-A good beginning, though not the best in the series. Funny that for a film that helped set the staples for the slasher film, the original "Friday" feels more like an Itallian Giallo film than it does a slasher movie. Also, the arrow through the throat scene is still one of the best kills in horror history. Rating: 7/10   -Friday the 13th II-Along with Part 4, this is tied as my favorite entry in the series. Unlike the following sequals, there's a genuine sense of dread and eeriness pervading the proceedings, and the burlap sack mask is pretty interesting too. Rating: 8.5/10   -Friday the 13th III-Jason kills dumb teens in 3D for your enjoyment. A pretty fun entry, which introduced the Hockey Mask wearing Jason we all know today, and contains an oddly endearing quality to it beyond it's slasher movie trappings. Also worth noting is the dude with the Jewfro-a hairstyle originally meant to portray complete losers is now loved thanks to the likes of Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. Rating: 8/10   -Friday the 13th IV-One of the best entries in the series, and featuring the most remorseless, vicious Jason in the history of the franchise. The presence of Crispen Glover doesn't hurt either. Rating: 8.5/10   -Friday the 13th V-Has the most nudity in the series, and some splendid kills as well. That out of the way, the film itself feels too much like its going through the motions, and is the first to show signs of the series losing steam. The fact that it's an imposter Jason doesn't help either. Rating: 5/10   -Friday the 13th VI-At this point, the series tries to inject more humor to the proceedings. While this doesn't hurt for the large part (Arnold Horshack getting knocked off is a huge plus,) it still doesn't live up to expectations, and again, shows the franchise running out of steam. Rating: 6/10   -Friday the 13th VII-Two major pluses: the introduction of Kane Hodder as Jason-simply put, he's the best Jason the series has ever had. Also, it has the best kill in the series-woman trapped in a sleeping bag slammed against a tree trunk. Sadly the MPAA cutting out much of the gore, and another sense of going through the motions (not even the evil bitch character-a slasher stereotype I love-can save this) makes this an unspectacular entry in the series. Rating: 5/10   -Friday the 13th VIII-Jason on a boat. Terrible not only as an entry in the series, but as a slasher movie overall. Nothing-not even the black guy getting his head knocked off-feels new or interesting, and the whole thing is proof that the series needed to die. Rating: 0/10   -Jason Goes To Hell-And takes the viewer with him in this horrible attempt to breath new life in the franchise. The less said the better. Rating: 0/10   -Jason X-Proofyour horror franchise is now a joke: put the villain in space. Actually, this is several steps up, with jokes that are actually funny ("We love pre-marital sex!") and one of the best kills in the series (cryogen frozen face shattered.) Watchable, but feels too much like a Sci-Fi channel made for TV movie to really work. Rating: 6/10   -Freddy vs. Jason-Fans were clammering for it, and here it was. While it doesn't live up to all of the expectations, it's still a good entry in the series, though admittingly, it;s a stringer "Nightmare on Elmstreet" movie than it is a "Friday the 13th" movie. Rating: 7/10   -Friday the 13th (Remake)-Yes, you've seen it before-but that's why it fun. A much needed reboot that feels more like an entry in the series than a remake, and the most vicious Jason since part IV.Sure, the score is unremarkable, and Jason is a bit too smart for his own good at times, but it's still a good entry that brings the fun back to the franchise. Rating: 7.5/10
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

2
How To Vibrate
 

My Bloody Valentine 3D and Flapjack

"My Bloody Valentine 3D" is a blast. To really enjoy it, you need to see it in 3D (well, yeah), and with a packed theatre. Highlights   3D Gore-seeing eyeballs and jaws fly at you is great. 3D Nudity. If you haven't seen that, then you have not lived. Tom Atkins! It's great to see him on the big screen One of the actors from the original is in this 3D trailers It's totally cliched, and you don't care 3D pug The only lowlight is the reveal in the killer. Other than that, it's really fun, and one of the better remakes in recent memory. Check it out if you can.  Oh yeah, the "Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack" marathon was on Cartoon Network today. I don't care if it's a kids show, this show is awesome, and absolutley hilarious.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

1
How To Vibrate
 

WWE Cuts

Well, the economy is has seen better days, and employees are being fired and fucked in the ass (metaphorically speaking) on a regular basis. WWE is no different, so you know what that means-Talent Cuts!   D'Lo Brown-Poor guy was never given a chance. He returns, only for nobody to recognize him. He goes nowhere, and hets fired. Why was he rehired again?   Bam Neely-He was on ECW. I never had time to watch the show, so I'm sorry, I don't know how to react.   Val Venis-First of all, whoever started the "Not Val Venis!" joke is an idiot. That joke was never funny. Second of all, I guess after all those years of not picking up the phone, he finally did it. I'm amazed he was employed as long as he was too. He'll porobably go to the Japanese promotions now (it would probably be a good idea), or try to get Ron Paul in the White house by 2012.   Tim White-Well, he finally has a reason to commit suicide in real life.   Kevin Thorn-Who? Oh yeah, the dude who played Mordeci.   Gavin Spears   Mike Kruel
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Heh.

Heh.   Heh.     Yeah, I'm in a good mood. Don't like it? Fine, don't respond. Hell, go to another blog if you don't like it. Bush is out of office, and I couldn't be happier. For years, i've had to hear "you whiney liberals LOL" whenever expressing displeasure with Bush or the way he ran things. Now I don't have too. Will Obama fuck up? Probably, but for now, I'm in a good mood.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

RIP Marney

Apparently, she's dead. I never agreed with her on hardly anything, but she didn't deserve to die, especially that way. RIP Marney.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Thoughts on the "Watchmen" movie

Read my review.   So yeah, it's not perfect, but it's the most faithful adaptation we could have gotten (it's one of the more faithful adaptations in recent memory, I must say) and is a pretty good time all around. Now, some added thoughts (Warning: Spoilers ahead)   -On the lack of Squid in the finale: On one hand, it is a bit annoying that we don't get a Squid, and instead end up with Dr. Manhatten being framed. That out of the way, let's face the facts: the Squid most likely wouldn't have worked in the movie. What worked in the graphic novel would have failed here. I know, I know, "then why did they make a movie?" Well,   -It was going to be made anyway-Love it or hate it, somebody was going to do it. It took at least 20 something years, three different directors (Terry Gillia,, Darren Arronofsky, and Paul Greengrass) different screenplays for this to happen.   -There's no way it was going to be as good as the graphic novel-If you thought so, then congratulations: you are an idiot. Few adaptations are as good as the original. Even if you didn't like it, you still have the source material. Nobody's taking that away.   -There's no way it was going to be 100% faithful-Few adaptations are also 100% faithful. I love "Moby Dick", but I don't want a 100% faithful adaptation of it. Why? Because 50-60 something percent of it would be about marine biology and the biology of whales. Unless I want to watch the National Geographic Channel, The Discovery Channel, or PBS I don't want to listen to that. Want something that's more successful and better? read the graphic novel.   -SuperJerk and cabbageboy are the worst posters in the "Watchmen" movie thread-cabbageboy is being...well, he's being cabbageboy, while Jerk is showing 1.) A failure to understand how irony works that borders on CronoT levels of stupidity, and 2.) A stubborn, argumentative attitude (nothing new for him really.) Look Jerk: I liked it too. That out of the way, I'm not going to argue with those who didn't. It's a divisive movie, and guess what? People are allowed to have opinions that don't agree with your own.   -Love it or hate it, you gotta give the director credit for one thing-No, not for faithfulness or "getting it" or whatnot, I'm saying Zack Snyder deserves respect for one thing: he did what many said was impossible. He brought the unfilmable graphic novel to the big screen. Whether or not it was a success is totally up to you. He tried to be as faithful as he could. He bit the bullet. Hell, he filmed 40-50 minutes of footage that didn't make it into the theatrical cut, and will be featured in a (hopefully awesome) director's cut. Love it or hate it, you gotta admit that it takes guts to try to bring this to the screen without losing much of it's meaning, and in my opinion, he did it. And if you don't think he did, then at least admit it took guts to turn "Watchmen" into a movie, bad idea or not.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

Tokyo Gore Police and more

-First, Brody is now off ignore simply for this thread, which is the most incredible one in a long time. Love or hate the guy, he deserves love for this.   -Second of all, I got advanced tickets for the film version of "Watchmen." So far, it's at 69% on rotten tomatoes (I'm not happy about this) but advanced reviews from fans of the graphic novel have been mostly positive, so I'm crossing my fingers.   -Finally, I mentioned it in the Comments that don't Warrent a Thread" thread in Movie and TV, but holy shit Tokyo Gore Police is fucking insane. If you ever wanted to see:   A man with a mutant cannon cock Fake commericals for a Wii that allows family members to kill people who have harmed members of said family, and the "Wrist Cutter G" Women with stitches where their nipples should be A woman who has half her mouth transform into a gaping gator maw. More blood and gore than a night with Macy Grey Than this is the movie for you. Granted, the twist/social commentary that comes in at the 1 hour 17 minute mark bogs it down a little, but is made up for with more sheer insanity. I give it 8.5/10. Love it or hate it, it's most likely unlike anything you've seen before.   
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

A Day in the Blagojevich Trial

Well, at least when he starts showing up   .9:30-Blagojevich enters building   .9:45-Jesse Jackson's kid comments on accusations while under oath. He begins to speak like his father, saying "I wanna cut (Rod's) nuts off."   .10:00-Blagojevich saddened when he learns Sifl and Olly can't be a part of his defense team-and that they are fictional characters.   .10:25-Blagojevich tries to defend his "Harry Potter" slash fan fiction.   .10:35-Blagojevich and prosecutors come to agreement that "Blagosphere" is one of the most retarded things ever to be uttered by the news media.   .10:55-Blagojevich compares self to The GZA.   .11:30-Judge giggles and titters like a schoolgirl when he discovers Zach Effron is one of the prosecutors.   .11:45-Awkward moment in which Rahm Emanuel says he can still smell wife on his index and middle fingers.   .11:50-Things become more awkward when someone says they "smell a little bit of the gay around here." Enigma is then expelled from the building. Sadly, he still posts at TSM.   .12:00-Lunchbreak! Today it's Dominos. Rahm's wife thinks it's too much like wet cardboard with cheese and Pizzasauce.   .1:00-Trial resumes.   .1:45-Illinois Senator Dick Durbin tells us us of his anger over "The Wrestler" and "The Dark Knight" not being nominated for best picture.   .2:15-Robert Byrd shows up for no reason-it happens from time to time.   .2:50-Burris says something about a "serial pillist"   .3:15-Harry Reid disagrees with Blagojevich's "National Jingus Sucks Week" initiative. Nation mourns.   .3:50-Senate confused when Blagojevich says "she rolled on my dick like an ectasy pill."   .4:00-Trial ends for the day.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
How To Vibrate
 

A Letter to Leena

Dear Leena,   I doubt you are reading this-actually, since you seem to have OCD when it comes to TSM, you probably are, so here goes: People don't like you not because you just happen to be a woman. People don't like you because you're you. You are completely unlikable, do nothing but act superior to others, have mood swings, and behave like a total bitch. Maybe if you didn't obsess over this place (seriously, there's other message boards better and worse than this one), and got an attitude adjustment, then you wouldn't be a punchline. And who obsesses over a fucking message board anyway? How much free time do you have in your hands? We aren't forums.somethingawful.com ya know. My guess: a lot. Really, we aren't worthy of so much attenton. Maybe you just do this because it gets you the attention you cannot obtain in the real world (you know, that amazing place outside of the internet-yes, it really exists!) So in short: get a life, and drop the martyr complex.   Love, gary floyd   P.S. Paul fucking sucks.
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

1
How To Vibrate
 

The Dunwich Horror

Dunwich child
you know not your fathers name
dope numbs the pain
ascend dark wooded hills to kane
your mothers witches
burnt at the stake for sorcery
you were conceived
upon the altar, rites obscene

child of Dunwich rise
you have your fathers eyes
child of Dunwich rise
end the world that you despise

Dunwich child,
of whispered past now they'll learn
high on the hill
black clouds gather, now they'll burn
bay at the stars
why was I born at all?
hear voices of doom
from other world your fathers call

our time has come
the end has begun.....
Gary Floyd

Gary Floyd

0
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