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New location, same lame blog

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Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

Dirty old man

A semi-humorous bit from this morning. I have to admit, occasionally, the people here can bring some entertainment.   There's this older guy here at the office that, according to a couple of my female coworkers, is a dirty old man. About the only things I know about him are, his name, the fact that he's worked here for over 30 years, and that his daughter just squirted out another kid (I know this because they had a cake party here to honor that glorious occassion a few months back). I really only speak to him when we exchange greetings when passing each other in the halls, so I've never seen this dirty side of him, but whatever.   So I'm at the copy machine this morning when he walks in. After exchanging our usual greeting, he starts this off:   "Man, sometimes I wish I was 25 again." "Really? Why's that?" "Have you seen that new chick in Billing? Lauren?" "Yeah, I've seen her." "She was over here earlier, getting water. Doing something with these people over here. Man...WOW."   (NOTE: Lauren is not that hot. There's nothing wrong with her, but she's not even close to being the hottest chick at this place.)   I continued: "She always looks angry to me. Like she'd be a total bitch about everything." "Yeah. But don't you think that's kind of hot?" "Depends." "Well, either way, I'd like to get some of that anger out of her. I know that." "Uh huh..." "You know what I mean, right?" *sighing* "Of course." "So yeah...you know."   I guess his reputation is well-earned.
sfaJack

sfaJack

0
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

Crime of the century

I forgot my wedding ring at home today. I'm not sure how it happened, but I walked out of the house without it on my finger and didn't realize it until I was almost all the way to the office. Oh well. Whatever, right?   WRONG   Fast forward an hour or so. This happens:   *desk phone rings* sfaJill's cell phone number is on the display.   "Hey, babe."   "Hi, honey. I've got a question for you."   "What?"   "Are you feeling different today? Maybe more...single?"   "Yeah, I know. I forgot my ring."   "Uh huh."   "You saw it on the dresser, didn't you?"   "Uh huh..."   (sarcastically) "And you're calling to lecture me about it, aren't you?"   (seriously--definitely not sarcastic) "How did you forget it?? How did that happen?"   "I don't know. I guess I just forgot to put it on."   "But how? You have the same routine every morning! How did you not realize you forgot your ring?"   ...   "Are you really this upset about me forgetting my ring?"   "No. But I just thought you would be more aware of it. It's your ring!"   "You sound upset."     And it went on for a couple more minutes. I neglected to bring up the number of times that's she either left her ring at home or we've had to pull back into the driveway because she suddenly realized she didn't have it. And nevermind that this is the first instance of me forgetting to put the goddamn ring on that either of us can remember.   Yet, somehow, it was the crime of the fucking century this morning. Bitches be trippin'.
sfaJack

sfaJack

2
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

Box office murder for hire

Soaring gas prices, rising grocery bills, and the mortgage crisis (equally fueled by shady lenders and stupid borrowers). These are things that people often cite when bitching about the DAMN BUSH ECONOMY.   But at least it's comforting to know that the murder-for-hire market hasn't been hit with soaring prices yet...   You know, there's probably someone out there that wouldn't mind if I got bumped off. God knows there are some days when sfaJill's bitching makes me think it wouldn't be so bad. But I think I'd be insulted if someone thought it was only worth $150 to have me killed.   ---------------------------   So while wasting some time browsing TSM yesterday, I clicked on mole's not-very-successful summer box office prediction thread. Being a semi-frequent movie-goer (though 75% of the movies we go to are not my choice), I thought I'd go down the list and see if there are any that I'm likely to see.   MAY IronMan - Haven't seen it, but will probably Netflix it at some point. I'm not now and have never been a comic book guy so I rarely have much interest in these movies. It's supposed to be good though.   Speed Racer - Haven't seen it, probably won't. I couldn't stand the cartoon when I was young; why would I watch the movie, especially when it sucks like this one apparently does.   What Happens in Vegas - It's got Kyle Korver and Cameron Diaz in it and a stupid premise. No thank you.   The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - This one might be a Netflix rental one day, but I never read the book and, while I liked TLW&W ok, Narnia stuff isn't exactly on my list of "must see."   Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - Saw it (90% because sfaJill begged me whined until I agreed to go, 10% morbid curiosity). While the original movies are some of my favorites from my childhood, I'm not an Indy geek or anything. They're just good, fun movies that I've watched probably 25 times in the years since.   That said, this is easily the worst Indy movie and I really wish I hadn't spent $9.25 on it.   Sex and the City - I'll never see this one. And sfaJill isn't the slightest bit interested in it so I'm in the clear there.   JUNE Kung Fu Panda - I'm never interested in stupid crap like this, but there are rumors that my in-laws want to take the 4-year-old nephew to see this. I'm already rifling through my rolodex of excuses to get out of that one because I know that sfaJill will want to latch onto that little family outing.   You Don't Mess With The Zohan - You know what's funny? We saw a trailer for this months ago in the theater and sfaJill said it looked "funny" and stated she wanted to see it when it comes out. A couple of weeks ago, a trailer ran on TV and, after it was over, sfaJill asked "Who would go see that piece of shit?"   I laughed. "You said you wanted to see it!"   "When?"   "We saw a preview at the movies a while back and you said it looked funny."   "I did?!"   "Yes."   "Are you sure?"   "Yes!"   "Wow. I can't imagine what I was thinking."   The Incredible Hulk - Didn't they just do a Hulk movie last year or something? Either way, I don't care much (that whole "not a comic guy" thing again) and probably won't watch it.   The Happening - Pass. It's M. Night Shyamalan. I thought Sixth Sense was good and Unbreakable was pretty good. After that...not so much.   Get Smart - I'm really, really looking forward to this one. I loved Get Smart as a kid, Steve Carell makes me laugh, and Anne Hathaway is one fine piece of ass. Plus, I've seen the trailer(s) several times and laugh each time. Can't wait.   The Love Guru - WTF is this, an Indian version of Austin Powers? This is not gonna end well...   Wanted - I haven't even heard of this one and know nothing about it. Thus, I am unlikely to see it.   Wall-E - I'm sure I'll be watching this one at some point because sfaJill is VERY excited about it. I'm not so much but if it's half as much of an animated Short Circuit as it appears to be, it might be tolerable.   JULY Hancock - Yeah, I'll see it. sfaJill loves Will Smith and keeps asking me when this is coming out, so...yeah.   Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D - Saw a trailer for this one before Indy 4 and my only thought was "This is stupid." So, no, I won't be watching. And didn't the whole concept of "3D" movies die back in the 1950's or so?   Hell Boy II: The Golden Army - Nah. Didn't watch the first Hellboy and probably won't see this one either. A trailer for this one ran before Indy 4 as well and I wasn't impressed.   The Dark Knight - Yeah, I'll see this one. Batman is the one "comic" that I'll watch any movie of. If nothing else, my one friend (who is a HUGE Batman freak) will drag me to it at least once.   Mamma Mia! - Had to look on IMDB for this one. Does it really use ABBA songs to tell the story? Dear God help us all...   X-Files: I Want to Believe - Nope. I never watched X-Files. Besides, hasn't it been like 10 years since it was on? Why make a movie about it now?   Step Brothers - I'll see this one. I think Will Ferrell is hilarious, though I'm a little apprehensive becasue Blades of Glory and Semi-Pro sucked real bad. John C. Reilly and Ferrell were great in that Nascar movie though; hopefully, that will carry over to this one.   AUGUST The Rocker - Dwight Shrute gets a leading role in a film? I'll watch, but it'll probably be via Netflix.   The Mummy: The Tomb of the Dragon Emperor - A Netflix rental all the way. The first couple of Mummy films were ok enough so I'll watch, but I'm not paying for it.   Pineapple Express - I've seen three of the "Apatow" movies? Knocked Up (average), Superbad (funny, but overrated), and Forgetting Sarah Marshall (best of the three). This one looks like it could be good, but I think I'll wait for the DVD.   The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 - Why the fuck did this one need a sequel? No thanks.   Tropic Thunder - I'll probably see this one eventually. The team of Stiller, Black, and Downey Jr. should make for at least a semi-enjoyable movie.   Star Wars: The Clone Wars - Eh. I'm kind of sick of the whole Star Wars thing, personally.   House Bunny - After looking this one up on IMDB, I've determined that, while it sounds stupid as hell, I might see it on cable or something one day simply because Anna Faris and Katharine McPhee are in it.   Vicky Cristina Barcelona - Never heard of it. A check of IMDB shows that it is something I will probably never see unless Scarlett Johansson gets nekkid or something.
sfaJack

sfaJack

8
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

Boredom in Cubicle 211-A

This is probably the most boring day of work I've had since March or April. I basically have nothing to do as my latest project is at a point where I can do nothing further until I receive it back from the accounting manager assigned to it and either rework whatever needs rework or proceed to the next phase.   So what am I left to do? Surf the Internet, of course. And post another high quality blog entry.   Much like kkk yesterday though, I don't really have much to talk about. And my post won't even have the awesomeness that is the whale picture so you, dear reader, are screwed.     A few minor news items, I guess:   1. I got a jury summons in the mail the other day for December 1. This is the second time I've been summoned for jury duty but the first time I will actually have to go. While I'm kind of excited about doing my civic duty to convict someone, I'm hoping like hell I'll get downtown and be dismissed rather quickly so I can go back home and play video games all day. My company pays us if we're out for jury duty so there is NO WAY I'm going to the office even if my jury day is over at 9 a.m.   Of course, my luck will be not only will I get picked, but it'll be a case that lasts for three weeks.     2. sfaJill's been bitching lately about wanting a new cell phone because hers hasn't been working too well lately. Or something. I don't know. Since our cell phone contract was about to expire anyway, we went down to the T-Mobile store last Friday to renew it. I took advantage of the massive discount offered (with a 2-year extension of course) and snagged their new G1 phone.   I've never got the appeal of the iPhone or any of that junk...   ...until I played with this thing. I have no idea if it's 'better' than an iPhone or not but I don't care. I love this phone. I'm hooked. Call me a sheep; I do not care!   Now all I need is friends to call or (preferably) text...     3. I just returned from a lunch with sfaJill and one of her friends at Yao Ming's bistro/bar here in town. I'd never been there before and my unrefined tastes in food probably can't tell good Chinese food from vomit-inducing, undercooked crap...but this was good Chinese food. Lunch menu prices, too so it's a double bonus. Plus, Yao's uncle came around to greet our table. Dude is like 6' 7". It was kind of strange to see an Asian dude that tall and he's not on a basketball court.     Let's see...what else. The list of the world's most dangerous toys is out.   It's official: we should just wrap all the little bastards in bubble wrap each morning before we send them out into the world.   Remember potato guns?   Lawn darts?   Trampolines (without the net around it)?   Sleeping in an actual treehouse you built yourself?   TACKLE football??   Doing any of that shit would get your parents arrested these days.
sfaJack

sfaJack

2
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

Birthday fun

30 feels no different than 29. Big surprise. I'm still marching slowly towards the end. The good news at least is that I'm one year closer to 'Senior Citizen' status and all the various discounts and freebies that entitles one to.   I stopped caring about my birthday 12 years ago. I figured once I turned 18 and became able to die for my country and blow all my money on lottery tickets, it was all downhill from there anyway, so why give a shit?   sfaJill, on the other hand, loves birthdays. So at some point today, I will have to pick a restaurant so she can go buy me dinner, I'll have to pick a "fun activity" to do, and I'll have to open at least one present from her. In fact, we had this exchange last night:   "Honey, I'm sorry. I think I gave you most of your birthday presents at Christmas."   "So?"   "Well, you're probably only going to have one to open tomorrow."   "There's a 1% chance I'll give a shit."   "I know, I know."   (moment of silence)   "Maybe I'll take you to Best Buy or somewhere like that and let you pick out something you want."   "Yeah...maybe. I guess."   ------------------------------   So why am I queerin' up TSM this morning? Because my in-laws have this insane tradition of calling their children (and now children-in-law) at 5:30 in the morning on their birthday and (terribly) singing Happy Birthday over the phone and now I can't get back to sleep. It's gonna be a great day.   Neither of us were amused by this tradition this year, particularly since it was nearly 3 AM before we went to sleep. sfaJill even lectured her dad saying, "You're calling at 5:30 on a SATURDAY morning; of course I'm going to assume something is wrong."   ------------------------------   It's the exact opposite with my dad. For YEARS he always got my brother's and my birthdays mixed up--he always thought mine was January 28 and my bro's was December 24 when if fact mine is January 24 and my bro's is December 28. Well, he called about 20 minutes ago and we had this conversation. It's funny to me; YMMV.   Dad: "I was just calling because it's your birthday. Wait...it is the 24th right?"   Me: (laughing)"Yes."   Dad: "Well, alright."   Me: "You didn't get us mixed up this year. What happened?"   Dad: "I don't know. It's probably because Nicole (my sister-in-law) said something about it earlier this week."      
sfaJack

sfaJack

2
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

Birthday crap, Redball's staying

My birthday is a week from today. Hooray. I really haven't cared about my birthday much since I was 18. So last night while watching TV, this conversation happens. I'm sure you can guess who's who:   "What do you want to do for your birthday?"   "I don't know."   "Oh, come on. There's got to be something you want to do."   "I might take the day off work, I guess."   "That's it? You don't want to go eat or do something fun?"   "Like what?"   "I don't know! You decide. It's your birthday!"   "I'll think it over."   *two minutes later*   "Ok, well, what do you WANT for your birthday? I have no idea what to get you."   "Nothing." (note: with sfaJill, 'nothing' is never an acceptable answer to this question)   "What if I got you a pair of fuzzy pink slippers then? You'd be ok with that?"   "Only if you think I really need a pair of fuzzy pink slippers..."   "Well, if you don't tell me what you want, you just might get some then."   "Did you see that Circuit City is offering 36 months of no interest financing on all TV's $999 and up?"   "No. So what?"   "So there you go. That's what I want."   *she thinks this over for moment*   "You want me to buy you a big TV for your birthday?"   "Yes."   "Hmfph. Good luck with that one."   Ah, wedded bliss...   ---------------------   Jason Garrett has apparently turned down both the Falcons and Ravens head coaching jobs and will stay on as Offensive Coordinator in Dallas for at least one more year. Good. After four years of Bill Parcells's conservative style and the overall futility of the offense the five years before that, it was refreshing to see Redball (as he's affectionately known) open the playbook wide open and actually use all of the weapons available to him.   Sure he didn't run the ball enough at times and apparently went insane in the fourth quarter of this last Sunday's loss to the Giants (calling a 65-yard bomb into triple coverage on 3rd & 20 from your own 40 with just over 4 minutes to go when you must score a touchdown and then sending everyone into the endzone against a dime defense on 4th & 11 instead of having one guy run underneath the defense and get the first down when you still had time to spike the ball and run at least one play into the endzone before the game ended is the definition of insanity), but there aren't too many guys I'd rather have running the Cowboys' offense for the near future than Garrett. Good move, Jerry Jones.
sfaJack

sfaJack

0
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

Bed bugs and birthdays

So I was rudely awakened a little past 4:30 this morning by my wife (who NEVER wakes up before me) suddenly turning on the overhead light in our bedroom and yanking most of the covers off of the bed. Her reason? She thought she felt a bug crawl across her leg, freaked out, and felt the need to find and destroy said bug.   After a couple of moments of frantic searching for the bug and a few incoherent ‘what the FUCK are you doing??’ grumblings from me, she gave up, turned off the light, and went to take her shower telling me, “Just go back to sleep, honey.”   What the fuck ever. There was no way I was getting back to sleep after that.   My alarm goes off at 5 a.m. anyway so it’s not like I lost a lot of sleeping time...but still. She’s got to be kidding.   I blame my being (according to a coworker) “more grumpy than usual” today on this incident.   --------------------------------   Speaking of my wife, her birthday was yesterday. I got her a sappy card, one of those chocolate chip cookie cakes, and a couple of necklaces. She was thrilled with all of it, which was good. Despite her being relatively easy to please with gifts, I'm always nervous whenever I give her anything. That's probably because I never EVER want to relive the time I prepaid three months worth of a gym membership as a "bonus" gift for a birthday of hers a few years back. Even though she'd been mentioning a couple months prior that she wanted to start working out again that was a HUGE mistake that I paid a hefty price for.   Still have horrible memories of that fight to this very day...
sfaJack

sfaJack

3
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

Awkward company parties

So sfaJill's company's Chirstmas Holiday Party was last night at the fabulous Houstonian Hotel. This is the third one of these things that we've attended (although this is the first one at her new company) and I absolutely hate them because, for me, it's four hours of standing faithfully by her side, making small talk and cracking terrible jokes to a bunch people I've either never met or only see once a year at these parties (and thus don't remember their names anyway). Not exactly a good situation for me, given my general lack of ability to socialize.   Toss in the guarded tension in the air (as in people always seem to be reluctant to cut loose and say and act they way they really want to out of fear of harming their career by offending either the boss or one of the affirmative action hires) and the usual office cliques still being in effect and it's usually a pretty awkward situation. Last night's gathering also featured a balcony where all the smokers spent most of their time and, since I am allergic to cigarette smoke, sfaJill and I spent a lot of time sitting at our table entertaining each other because she was afraid to leave me by myself out of fear I would have a totally miserable time (as opposed to the semi-miserable time I ended up having).   The comedy highlight of the nights were these:   - The little DJ they hired. Dude had so many problems with songs either cutting off or skipping uncontrollably that, at one point, one of the drunk guys in the back (it was open bar) yelled, "Great job with the music man! YOU ROCK!" I do have to give the DJ a little credit though--any guy that can seamlessly merge "Stayin' Alive" into George Strait's "I Cross My Heart" has to have some mad skillz.   - sfaJill's boss. Dude is from deep Louisiana Cajun country, which is almost enough entertainment by itself. However, last night, he was wielding a camera and insisted on taking several pictures of damn near everyone in the place, including a couple with me, sfaJill, and...a couple of the other office females sitting my lap. Maybe you had to be there, but the way he basically ordered them all to just have a seat and smile big while sfaJill just sat there with a WTF look on her face was priceless.   Oh well. At least that's over for another year. Now I just have to get through another party next Saturday night, this time at the home of one of her coworkers. I've been told to be ready for a few "party games." Oh, God...   On Dec. 22, my company is hosting their first "official" company Christmas party in nine years at the Hilton downtown. Fortunately, we won't be attending. We have to go to Kansas City for sfaJill's cousin's wedding, which is the same night. Oh, damn the luck. sfaJill is really annoyed by this though, because I've been at my place of employment for over six years now and, because I do NOT hang out with any of them outside of work, the only time she's ever met any of my coworkers was back in September at my Mom's funeral when four of them showed up (and that wasn't exactly a social occassion). She claims she is dying to meet those people because she can "finally put a face to the names you come home bitching about" but I think she just wants to see if I have any hot female coworkers she can get jealous about. I don't know. I told her it's just as well we have to be in KC that night because I probably wouldn't go to the party anyway.
sfaJack

sfaJack

1
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

An annoyance

You know, people that don't clean the office microwave after they leave a huge mess all over the inside should really just fuck off and die. What the fuck is this place? Junior high?
sfaJack

sfaJack

0
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

All for one and one for...me

Inspired by kkk's latest bout of wedded bliss, here's one that happened yesterday afternoon:   (I'm in the kitchen eating one of those "fun size" 3 Musketeers bars when sfaJill walks in) "What are you eating?" "3 Musketeers." (flabbergasted) "Where'd you get that??" "From the bag in the pantry." "What bag in the pantry?" "The bag of 3 Musketeers on the second shelf in there." "I didn't know they where in there. When did we get those?" "Wednesday. I picked them up at Kroger. Remember when I stopped to grab that chicken on the way home from work that day?" "I can't believe you hid them from me." "I didn't hide them from you. They were on the freaking shelf in the pantry." "Well, you didn't tell me they were in there. You know I never look in there!!" "No, but I also didn't tell you that I bought some more milk that day, too." (pause) "Well, you know I love 3 Musketeers and you didn't tell me you bought some. You hid them so you could have them all to yourself." "Uh...yep. That's it."   She stomed off to our bedroom and slammed the door. I just went outside for a while and, when I came back in, she apologized and said that she didn't know what was wrong with her or why she was getting pissed off about "stupid stuff." I just told her it's part of that whole "being a chick" thing. Surprisingly, she didn't smack my arm.
sfaJack

sfaJack

2
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

ALICIA SILVERSTONE GETS NAKED

One of my top fantasy babes from my younger days, Alicia Silverstone, wants us to go vegetarian. This article claims that Houston and Dallas-Fort Worth were chosen for the rollout of PETA’s latest campaign because we are perennially near the top of those fattest city surveys. Whatever.   I’ve never taken much of what PETA does seriously because they’re so over the top with how they choose to get their message out, but if Alicia Silverstone is getting naked for this particular cause, I’m willing to listen.   I tried accessing the video of the commercial from work and got a message saying it was blocked by our firewall. Apparently peta.org has been classified as "Advocacy Groups, Tasteless/Gross". I chuckled.   ------------------------------   This morning, on the door inside the men’s room on our floor, some joker posted a copy of an article that claims that 33% of men do not wash their hands after going to the bathroom (only 12% of women do not). This figure was obtained after “extensive observation of over 6,000 people in four major cities” over the past couple of months. Doctors everywhere are outraged at this news though I’m not sure why. I’ve seen tons of guys not wash their hands afterwards over the years that frankly I’m shocked it’s only at 33%.   Other “do not wash” findings (for both sexes) from the article: 44% after petting a cat or dog 39% after coughing/sneezing 56% after handling money 22% after changing diapers 9% before handling food   I’ll admit that I’m often guilty on the petting cat/dog and handling money charges and even sometimes on the coughing/sneezing, but I rarely touch food with unclean hands. The diaper changing thing doesn’t apply to me since I have and will continue to do anything necessary to avoid that chore, but who are the nasty bastards that make up that 22%?   ------------------------------   Finally, a big “CONGRATULATIONS” is due my company’s management. It took some hard work, but they found another little perk to yank away from us when we were least expecting it.   Last week, it was announced that our on-site fitness center is closing at the end of the year. The company-sponsored discount membership program we have had with the YMCA is also being canned. The reason given is “cost considerations.”   Apparently, management is contending that the member base isn’t big enough to support the ongoing costs of the fitness center. One well-placed source told me that our real estate group claims to have “many studies” that show each member would have to pay out an extra $5,000 a year in order for the center to break even. If that’s true, then I need to polish the ol’ resume because this company is going to be led into bankruptcy by a bunch of idiots that clearly have no idea how to manage money. The fitness center is small in size and has a grand total of four company employees (as opposed to expensive outside contractors) on staff and is housed in a building on a campus this company has owned outright for over 30 years. There is simply no way the it is that expensive to operate.   One of the members started a “save the fitness center” petition and posted it at the check-in desk there. Management found out and ordered that the petition be scrapped immediately or there could be consequences for creating disharmony in the work environment. Hmmm. Would that be the same sort of disharmony they created when they suddenly decided to close the fitness center for questionable reasons?
sfaJack

sfaJack

7
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

Ah, vacation

The TSM Blogosphere has been busy lately with talk of vacations and all the "problems" that go along with them. This got me thinking about some of the trips we took as a family (myself, Mom, Dad, and little brother)...and some of the problems that came with them (though none of them involve my dad getting the cops called on him).   Mount Rushmore/South Dakota I think this was around 1990 or so. I remember this was the trip that my mother tried an experiment to get the two of us to behave in the car during the long ass drive: bribery. She got two rolls of quarters out of the bank and gave one to each of us. Each time we "acted up" or otherwise got into some trouble along the way, we had to pay her a quarter; any quarters left at the end of the trip could be used at the video arcade and if we made it through the whole trip without losing any quarters, we would get another roll each to use at the arcade upon getting home. This was a big incentive to us...until we were fined a quarter each for horsing around at the motel pool in Oklahoma City after the first day's drive. Then we suddenly didn't care much anymore.   The real disaster of this trip came out in the Badlands when the family car got a flat tire literally out in the middle of nowhere. The tire was so flat and our car so weighted down with luggage and whatnot that my dad couldn't even get the jack underneath it to change it out. Three hours of sitting in the hot sun, just waiting for some help. And me, being the little ultra-worrywart I was at the time FREAKED OUT at the prospect of dying out there. Eventually, a state po po came out and called a wrecker for us, but there were some tense moments as I was losing my mind and my dad was pissed off that he had a problem he couldn't solve alone. Then later, when my dad was forced to pay what he considered to be highway robbery for a new tire; well, that was good times at then end of that particular day.   Washington D.C. Thanksgiving 1986. My mom, brother, and I had flown to D.C. (my first flight ever, and the only time we EVER flew anywhere as a family) to visit my dad while he was at his FBI Academy training in Quantico, VA. This trip was fine...until the flight home. That's when I, having neglected to tell my mother about the stomach ache I'd had all day, couldn't take anymore and threw up all over the guy sitting in the seat in front of me.   My mother was mortified.   The comedy highlight of the trip came later when we were close to landing in Houston when I reached into the seat back pocket in front of me pulled out the airsick bag, turned to my mom and asked, "What's this lunch sack for?"   New Braunfels, TX I don't remember exactly when this was, but I was probably 8 or 9 or so. We went to stay at grandmother's house one weekend in New Branfels for a couple days of tubing down the river and playing at Schlitterbahn. Unfortunately, on Day Damn One we went tubing. My brother and I were sharing a tube and, when we went over one of the sets of rapids, the tube dumped over, spilling both of us. To make a long story shorter, I got caught in the current and couldn't make it to shore alone; this guy that was standing on the bank ran out into the water and pulled me out.   As a result, I had no desire to go anywhere near the water the whole rest of the weekend which kind of threw a wrench into the whole 'weekend water fun' plan. My dad was frustrated by this, even going so far as to say, "You didn't drown! What is there to be afraid of?"   Yeah, so anyway, there we were, heading back home less than 36 hours later, me terrified of the water, my dad pissed off at me because we had driven all the way out there for nothing.   San Antonio Summer 1995. The brakes on the family vehicle give out on the way back to our hotel from Fiesta Texas. By 'give out' I mean the brakes would stop the car...but only if you were going 15 mph or less and had extra room to stop. Instead of calling (and paying for) a tow truck, my dad decides to drive the 20 miles back into town at approximately 10 mph, earning us probably 100 dirty looks from all the angry motorists behind us as they passed us.   I'm still amazed to this day the we a) didn't rear-end somebody and b) get pulled over for going 10 f'n miles per hour.     Quick highlights from some other trips:   - My dad bought my brother and I new fishing rods before one of our many trips to the lake. One the first morning of this trip, we'd been out there for about an hour when I reached back to cast my line...and somehow let go of the rod as I flung it forward. SPLASH! My brand new fishing rod is damned forever to the depths of Lake Somerville. Dad is pissed when he realizes what happened.   - My brother leaves his winter coat at a Long John Silver's on our way back home from a family gathering in central Texas. He realizes this within five minutes of us leaving the restaurant, but fails to tell my mom out of fear of getting in trouble. Instead, he chooses to wait until we are over halfway home to say anything; that doesn't go over well with the parents.   - And I won't even mention the time we were in Arlington and decided to stay at Six Flags Over Texas an extra couple of hours instead of walking over to the Ballpark in Arlington and purchasing tickets to that night's Angels/Rangers game as we had talked about earlier in the day.  
sfaJack

sfaJack

4
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

A busy few days

Whew. It’s been a busy few days with precious little time for goofing around on the Internet. All the blame for that goes to married life. I’m quite certain nobody missed me here but here’s the recap nevertheless...   So last Friday, at 5:15 in the morning, my wife was in the shower when the phone rang. I glanced at the caller ID and both the caller name and phone number were showing as “Private.” Now, normally, such calls get either ignored or hung up on within two seconds because it’s usually somebody peddling some crap, but I picked it up thinking it could actually be an emergency since we don’t get many calls at any time of the day, much less at five in the morning.   “Hello? *Silence* “Hello? If you say nothing in two more seconds, I’m hanging up.” Female voice I do not recognize, “Hi, Jack?” (not my real name) “Uh, yeah? Who’s this?” “It’s me.” … “Who?” “You don’t know who this is?” “No, ‘fraid not.” “You don’t recognize my voice?” “No, I have no idea who you are.” … “You really don’t know who this is?” “No, I don’t.” “Oh. Well, fuck you then.” *Click*   Whatever. I still don’t know who that was. I’m gonna guess that it’s someone who was looking for someone with the same name as I and just picked the wrong guy out of the phone book since I would remember her if it was someone from my past. Could just be some prankster looking for a mark at five in the morning, I don’t know. Whoever it was, I’m just glad my wife didn’t answer the phone because that would have been an endless three-hour cycle of interrogation/denial of charges that I didn’t need.   -------------------------------   So what was I doing to keep me busy this weekend? Moving furniture! My wife’s company was bought recently and her office was moved to the west side of town a couple of months back. The new company only wanted the people to move to the new office so they left all of the office fixtures and furnishings behind in the old building, on which the lease isn’t up for like two more years. A few workers (including my wife) asked what was going to be done with the old furniture and, after being told whatever was left over was going to be sold wholesale to whomever wanted it (without an inventory of it taken), it was let known that they could take whatever they wanted as long as it was done very discreetly and the building was not left barren.   So my wife acquired a key and badge for the old building with the idea being that she and I would go up later Friday evening and quickly take as many bookcases as we could get in one truckload for us to use as desperately needed shelving in our garage. The problem came in when she told her family of our plan; their insistence that they come along and get some stuff for their own houses (they NEVER pass up free stuff—no matter how crappy that free stuff might be) coupled with my wife’s inability to ever tell her family no led to ten hours of moving fun (spread over two days) that left me and my brother-in-law sore from lifting all that shit as we were the only two physically capable of carrying it.   Thus, our original plan of “four or five bookcases” for our own house turned into six bookcases and a heavy-ass desk for our place (don’t ask), five bookcases, another heavy-ass desk, and a credenza for my sister-in-law’s house, and seven more bookcases and a table for my wife’s parents. Christ.   -------------------------------   I bought a new mp3 player on Saturday morning as my old, faithful one of nearly three years gave up the ghost late last week. I settled on this one after a bit of searching. Now, I know lots of people say avoid Creative products like the plague but fuck them. My first one lasted almost three years with heavy use/abuse; that earns Creative my business again.   -------------------------------   Barry Bonds tied Hank Aaron at 755 with a home rum off Clay Hensley in 2nd inning last Saturday night in San Diego. I’d been taking advantage of my Extra Innings package and recording every Giants game last week hoping to catch the record-tying/setting homers. The one night I didn’t set the TV to record? Saturday. Oh well. I’ll get #756, which is the one that really matters.   -------------------------------   Saw The Bourne Ultimatum last night. I absolutely love the first two Bourne movies and was not disappointed with this one. Nice, tight story, great action, and an awesome villain makes me very happy. The shaky camera thing everyone is bitching about is noticeable but didn’t bother me too much; certainly not enough to damped my experience anyway. ****, though you should probably watch the first two if you haven’t seen them yet or you risk being a little confused at a few points in the plot.   -------------------------------   I’m going to the Cubs/Astros game at Minute Maid tonight. Pitching match-up is Rich Hill v. Wandy Rodriguez. Normally, my presence would be bad news for the Cubs as I’ve only seen them win once at MMP, but I don’t think even my jinx can stop them from losing to the shitty Astros.   Or at least I hope not…
sfaJack

sfaJack

0
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

99 years

.194   .087   37   6   What are these numbers? They are a quick summary of how completely incompetent the Cubs were against the Arizona Diamondbacks in their NLDS series that ended last night in a 3-0 Arizona sweep.   .194 = the Cubs' batting average for the series   .087 = their batting average with runners in scoring position (2-for-23), and one of those two was a weak infiled single   37 = the numbers of baserunners they had in the series   6 = the number of those baserunners that scored   How do you lose a playoff series and look completely pathetic in doing so? That's a really good start.   It also helps to have two of your biggest bats (Alfonso Soriano and Aramis Ramirez) combine for two hits, your best reliever over the second-half of the season implode, and to hit into about 14 rally-killing double plays.   I really don't know why I thought this year might be different for the Cubs. Maybe I'll never learn. Still...being swept in the first round is a better end to the season than finishing with the worst record in the league as they did last year.   At least that's what I've been telling myself for the last 12 hours...
sfaJack

sfaJack

1
Notes From Cubicle 211-A
 

$5 strippers

Well, not exactly. The strippers aren't $5, but it might cost you that to see some boobies:   Link   Huzzah, I guess. I don't remember hearing of this latest sneaky attempt by our state Legislature to increase sin taxes (again), but, much like per pack cigarette taxes, I don't care too much since I don't go to strip clubs and thus am not affected by it. And, frankly, anything that might help prevent taxes I actually do pay from rising is fine with me.   The problem is that, of course, the government will win the suit, collect this tax, completely waste the money, and then find a new way to tax everyone anyway. So, uh, go strip clubs! Stick it to the man!   My favorite part of the article is this:     One of my favorites (behind "seperation of church and state" and "RAYCISM~!"): the "FREE SPEECH VIOLATION" card.   I know some commie judge will agree with this and overturn the law, but how much of a restriction of free speech is this? The government is not banning strip clubs or imposing more "5 feet away" rules--it's just requiring a $5 cover charge to get in the club. Debate all you want on whether it's fair to levy the fee or not, but I don't get how it's a free speech infringement.    
sfaJack

sfaJack

1
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