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11/7: Dead Presidents Talk, Live Presidents Walk

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9:15 p.m.


• And I thought it would be Joe Biden making all the gaffes.



Wow, and what a hard-hitting question regarding what dog to get his kids. Of course, later on in this conference a reporter axed a REAL question about taxing the rich, and Osama completely side-stepped the issue.


And for those who post at the other place and wonder why I didn't post here what I posted there, well here you go:


So I was driving home from my J-O-B (something that I'm sure many people who voted a certain way on Tuesday don't experience) and I had Osama's FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE POST-HISTORIC ELECTION on my local RIGHT-WING RADIO station. I then heard the gem uttered in real time, which also contained a few "uhhhhs" and "ummmms" along the way.


Osama was asked at his press conference today if he'd spoken to all the "living" presidents.


"I have spoken to all of them who are living," he responded. "I didn’t want to get into a Nancy Reagan thing about doing any séances."




You want to play? I'll play motherfucker.


Why don't you go have a séance with the former first lady. You know, that first lady that stood by her husband through 10+ years of one of the worst ways to go out? That way you can also talk to your dead grandma. Wait, you are already elected so she would be no longer politically expendable to exploit. I'm sure you'll have some other relative you've never heard of keel over right before 2012 whose funeral you can make a multi-day pilgrimage to, like maybe Mookie Kaliloobah whose living in a ditch somewhere in Zimbabwe or Kookie Maliloobah from East St. Louis.


Here's a better idea. Maybe someone can put two in your head and we can have the State of the Union address via Ouija Board! Holy fuck would that be LOL. (Not that I'm advocating this sort of thing, but I bet if he was being super cereal about an applause line from this speech that game piece could fly right off the board.)


Oh, wait. You apologized already. Yeah, I'm sure it's coming right from the heart you mutt.


Whenever our leaders do something we disagree with, I have no other choice but to dissent. After all...




And besides, I'm sure all the people uber-offended about W.'s stupid "where's the WMDs? joke will SURELY be all up in arms over this un-presidential display of utter tastelessness.


• So the better half watches "Survivor" and "Ghost Whisperer," which means she usually has this stupid gossip show on beforehand called "The Insider." Holy fuck is this program awful. Ever since the GOP Convention there always seemed to be a SPECIAL REPORT about Sarah Palin on this show. I'm not kidding. Every time Mrs. kkk had this garbage on before the cBS prime-time lineup there was a Palin Report -- whether it was SEX SECRETS or KNOCKED-UP KIDS or other things I had never heard of before. Last night before "Survivor" came on, and before I left the room because, I wanted to bet her that "The Insider" would include the latest PALIN SCANAL, either Gucci-gate or her opening the door to campaign aides with a towel wrapped around her. *Gasp!* Mrs. kkk declined the bet.


She was smart.


That was the lead story.


This prompted Mrs. kkk to shout out "Oh for God's sake!" and changed the channel. And what hard-hitting secrets were revealed about Osama? We got to see the NEVER-SEEN-BEFORE... wedding photos. Scandalous.


Oh, and to show my bipartisanship, when I heard Palin not knowing Africa was a "continent," my first response was, "that's because she couldn't see it from her house." Ba-da-bing! My second thought: "No wonder W.'s supporters love her so."


Hey, if there's a joke to be had, I'll take it -- regardless of Party loyalty. Fuck, it's not like the GOP has been loyal to me, big-spending bastards.




When 10-year-old Austin Smith heard Barack Osama had been elected president, he had one question: Does this mean I won't get a new gun for Christmas?


LOLx2 -- I love my fellow red-state voters.


That brought his mother, the camouflage-clad Rachel Smith, to Bob Moates Sports Shop on Thursday, where she was picking out that special 20-gauge shotgun—one of at least five weapons she plans to buy before Osama takes office in January.


Christ, Osama sounds just like my ex-boss. You have to pick apart everything he says because he does so -- or at least when reading from a script. He respects the Second Amendment. That doesn't mean he won't try to rape it until it is just a pile of pink pulsating flesh.


Osama has said he respects Americans' Second Amendment right to bear arms, but that he favors "common sense" gun laws. Gun rights advocates interpret that as meaning he'll at least enact curbs on ownership of assault and concealed weapons.


As a U.S. Senator, Osama voted to leave gun-makers and dealers open to lawsuits; and as an Illinois state legislator, he supported a ban on semiautomatic weapons and tighter restrictions on all firearms.


During an October appearance in Ohio, Osama sought to reassure gun owners. "I will not take your shotgun away," he said. "I will not take your rifle away. I won't take your handgun away."


Yeah, you'll just take the bullets away or sue gun makers into oblivion. You also won't be allowed to take your firearm out of its lock box. Of course you will have armed bodyguards.


Remember, it's your patriotic duty to question your leaders.

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