King Cucaracha

Neat, that's given me time to do the research I should have done for a Cortez/Landon retrospecticus... is that a real word? Anyway, whatever, it's coming. EDIT: Right, my stuff's in.

Zack Malibu and Bohemoth in The Love Shack But I'm gonna need to edit it in tommorrow

There's now at least four people in the fed who know what CHIKARA is. I feel so happy.

COLE Last week we were scheduled to see The Love Doctors in action against The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew, but unfortunately, circumstances beyond our control lead to that match being postponed. During HeldDOWN~! last week, one of our wrestlers Biff Atlas had an unfortunate accident, tripping over a television cable and knocking himself temporarily unconscious. Luckily Windy City's finest, Dr. Anderson and Dr. Pigley, were on hand to tend to Atlas and thankfully he was released from a local Denver hospital on Friday evening after undergoing routine brain-scans. So The Docs missed out on their match last week, but they'll get their shot here tonight in Fresno instead. With that said, let's go to the ring. [COLOR=red]*WHIIIR!* *WHIIIR!*[/COLOR] "Doctor, doctor, give me the news I've got a bad case of lovin' you No pill's gonna cure my ill I've got a bad case of lovin' you" The sirens sound off as The Love Doctors bound out onto the stage, answering the emergency call of OAOAST officials who realised most guys on the AngleMania card aren't going to be wrestling tonight! The Docs whip the females of Fresno into a frenzy as they pull off their lab-coats before heading to the ring. Dr. Pigley isn't the object of as much desire however, as he covers his heart winning abs with a t-shirt plugging his new radio show, The Love Line. BUFFER The following tag team contest is set for one fall. On the way to the ring, from Chicago, Illinois... at a total combined weight of four hundred and thirty six pounds... DR. MAX ANDERSON and DR. STEVEN PIGLEY... THE LLLOOOOOOOOOVVEEEEEE DDOOOOOOOOOCCTTOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSS!!!! "YYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE All of our great fans in the Chicago area, you can catch Dr. Pigley on your local radio, as he provides the cure for your relationship issues. That's The Love Line, every Wednesday at 7! COACH You are such a shill. COLE Nothing wrong with giving one of our great OAOAST superstars a mention now and then for their work outside the ring. Besides, I'm just reading what's in front of me. I've no stake in it. COACH That's why you've been wearing the same t-shirt as Pigley all night? Inopportunely, Pigley chooses this moment to point out the shirt and give Cole a thumbs up. Cue much stammering, while the soothing sounds of "Easy Lover" begin to play out through the arena. Out through the entrance swaggers Rico de Janeiro with Lucius Soul trailing behind, fluffing up his 'fro with real determination. "Easy lover She'll get a hold on you believe it Like no other Before you know it you'll be on your knees" BUFFER And the opponents. Total combined weight, four hundred and thirteen pounds. The team of RICO DE JANEIRO and "SWEET" LUCIUS SOUL... THE MAAARRRRRRDDIIIIIIII GGRRRRRAAAAAAAASSSSSSS HHOOOOOOMMMEEEWRECKING CCRRRREEEEEEWWWWWWWW-!!! Lucius slides into the ring, squaring up with The Docs. Lagging behind, Rico takes a moment to pick out a couple of female fans and shows off his trademark porn 'stache. COLE These two teams met in the first round of this year's Anderson Cup where The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew eeked out the victory. So The Docs will be out for some revenge in this one. COACH Well Rico and Lucius, they've got something to prove as well. I heard somebody earlier, they had the nerve to say that win was an upset. An [i]upset[/i]. Against The Love Doctors! *DINGDINGDING!* With Rico still attempting to the woo the ladies, that leaves Lucius to kick it off with Dr. Pigley. Lucius talks some smack by way of an introduction, which goads Pigley into booting him in the gut! Pigley then unloads with some forearms before whipping Lucius off the ropes, scooping him up on the rebound and jarring him with an inverted atomic drop. Sneaking into the ring, Anderson then follows up with the dropkick to the face! COLE Lovematic Grampa, right off the bat! COACH One in, one out. This isn't a radio show, no co-anchors. COLE *sighs* If only... The Docs quickly scoop Lucius back up again, delivering chops from either side. They then shoot him off the ropes, putting him up and down with a Double Flapjack! Cover by Pigley, as Anderson retreats from the 5 count... 1... 2... No! Reacting late to his partner's troubles, Rico finally takes his eyes off the ladies and runs into the ring. The Love Doctors duck a double clothesline however and as he turns around, Pigley finally gets a free second and pulls off his t-shirt. [i]"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"[/i] COACH Woah, did this table just shift? COLE :unsure: Grinning under his greasy moustache, Rico looks down at the Mardi Gras beads in his hand and tosses them to Pigley. After all, them's the rules. As Rico disturbingly strokes at the porn 'stache and Pigley wonders what the hell's going on, Dr. Anderson thankfully puts him down with a Lariat. COLE Further questions raised on this edition of HeldDOWN~! Out of the ring rolls Rico, leaving referee Brian Hebner to put Dr. Anderson out. But that distraction allows Lucius to get a quick cheapshot in behind the back, catching Pigley in the throat with a shot as he tries to pull him up. Pigley drops the beads and Lucius snatches them up, wrapping them around the throat and consealing the choke with his arm! By the time the referee turns around, all he sees is a harmless chinlock, unaware of the beads around the windpipe underneath! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE Come on referee, get in there! Look at Pigley struggling for breath, it's obvious that's no regular chinlock! Pigley sinks down in the chinlock, the referee still unaware of the secret behind the chinlock's potency. And after a little distraction from Rico, Lucius manages to get the beads off the throat and out of the ring, making a cover on the lifeless Love Doctor... 1... 2... NO! Lucius tags out to Rico, who's able to measure a still breathless Pigley. A hard boot to the head keeps Pigley off the canvas. Rico then backs to the ropes, dropping the Porno 'Stache Legdrop and stroking the facial hair down all through the count... 1... 2... No! In comes Lucius to protest the count... allowing Rico to unravel his green wristtape and choke Pigley with it! Dr. Anderson tries to come in and help his partner, but is cut off by Hebner thanks to good timing on Soul's part. COLE And now again with the choke! This is ridiculous! COACH All I know is, every wannabee DJ in the Chicago land area is beaming right about now. Much more damage to the throat and I smell a relationship expert vacancy in tommorrow's job section. As Anderson is put to the outside, Rico quickly stashes the tape in his tights and waits for Hebner to turn around, before covering Pigley again... 1... 2... Kickout! Dragging Pigley into the wrong part of town, Rico tags Lucius back in. Hooking up the legs, Rico then waits for his partner to get into position, before falling backwards and slingshotting Pigley towards him... right into a Bicycle Kick!! Rico dusts his hands with satisfaction, while Lucius hooks a leg... 1... 2... SAVE BY ANDERSON! COACH Who even listens to the radio nowadays anyway? COLE Is now really the time to discuss that? As Anderson is again put out, Rico and Lucius try to take advantage by double-teaming Pigley. Sending him into the corner with a double whip, Rico then charges in with a clothesline, followed up by Lucius who throws a Yakuza Kick... but Pigley MOVES! Luckily for Lucius his foot hits the top turnbuckle pad and he's quickly back with Rico trying to cut Pigley off with a double clothesline. Tumbling underneath though, Pigley exits the ring on the aisle side. Lucius follows out after him, but Pigley slides right back in, scurrying through Rico's legs and MAKING THE TAG! COLE Here comes Dr. Anderson! COACH Insert lame pager joke here. Anderson comes in swinging, dropping Rico and Lucius with right hands, stopping only to fire up the Fresno crowd behind him. An irish whip sends Rico off the ropes, Anderson ducking his head looking for a backdrop. Rico puts on the brakes and lands with a kick. But as he then hits the ropes, Anderson follows a step behind and cracks him with an elbow right as he bounces off them! Lucius then runs into a right hand, Anderson continuing to take the fight to him... ...while, to the confusion of everyone, BIFF ATLAS can be seen walking around the ring. COLE What the hell is this? As the action continues in the ring, Biff rounds the ring, holding in his hand a bunch of [b]cable-ties[/b]. He sternly tells Michael Buffer to 'step aside' before rummaging under the timekeeper's table, attaching his cable-ties to the cords lying around ringside. Biff then heads over to Sofa Central and starts rummaging under the announce table, turfing Cole and Coach out of their seats in the process. COLE Wha... what the hell are you doing!? BIFF Things have gotta be safer around here. Look at all these wires, this is an accident waiting to happen, I... COLE We're trying to call a match here for crying out loud. COACH Speak for yourself. BIFF Look, don't mind me, I'm just trying to make a better working environment out here. COLE Uh... in the ring, Anderson with a side headlock, shot off the ropes... Anderson underneath, look out here... HEY! Cole's monitor abruptly goes black, just as Anderson completes his headscissors takeover in the ring, sending Lucius spilling to the floor. Rico then tries to jump Anderson from behind, but finds himself backdropped up and over the top. COLE Would you get out of here already!! BIFF Not until the area has been made safe. You'll thank me when you're not laid up at home in a neckbrace... and you really need beverage holders for those coffee cups, one slip of the hand and... COLE Do you realise how many hundreds of shows we've done without tripping over these wires!? BIFF That's a pretty careless attitude to have Michael Cole. I mean, look at this table, it's set all wrong... here, lemme just... Cole and Coach are not the only ones distracted by all this commotion and they make that point, as Biff steps around the front of the announce table, trying to straighten it up. Meanwhile, in the ring, Dr. Anderson is on the move. Hitting the ropes, he launches himself through the top and middle AND WIPES OUT LUCIUS, RICO AND BIFF WITH ONE FAIR TOPÉ CON HÍLO!!!! "YYYEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!" COACH AH! COLE What!? COACH Biff was right, there's coffee everywhere! COLE Oh just get a towel or something. Jesus. Anderson quickly throws Lucius back inside, following him in and looking for an irish whip. With a twist of the hips Lucius manages to spin out in front, lifting Anderson up onto the shoulders for the Fro 2 Sleep... NO! Anderson slides down the back and shoves Lucius in the back. Rebounding off the ropes, Lucius ducks underneath and clothesline and comes roaring back... but he gets caught and PLANTED with the Anderson Spinebuster!! COLE Double A style, right in the centre of the ring! 1... 2... 3!!!! *DINGDINGDING!* Back in slides Pigley and The Love Doctors embrace in celebration, as on the outside Rico looks up from the floor and holds his head in his hands. BUFFER Ladies and gentlemen, your winners of the match... THE LLOOOOOOOVVEEEE DDOOOOOCCTTOOOOORRRRSSSSSS!!! COLE A big win for The Docs here on HeldDOWN~!... and thankfully, Biff Atlas's general haplessness didn't prevent them from getting the victory for a second week in a row. COACH Hey, the guy was just trying to do as a favour. COLE Coach, he cable-tied your shoelace to our monitor cable. As Coach looks down and ponders how he's going to get out of this one, Biff pulls himself up. Holding his head he looks into the ring and glares at The Love Doctors' celebration, marching off towards the back, making extra sure he doesn't trip or slip on any upturned parts of the ringside mats on his way.

The ECW Title is still a world title!? In who's eyes?

I think the only possible rational I can think of for that happening would be if they finally signed Mistico. The division itself was generally neglected unless they had someone they wanted to build it around and Mistico's the only person I could think of that would warrant that treatment.

This week meaning next week, the 10th. Not the 3rd, which'd be this week... although, that's actually next week, but... look, you figure it out.

Yessir I did, all fine and dandy.

I can't believe Angle-whatsis never made it as a legit PPV name in the old days. If Living Anglelously made it... Hey, PFL, I might just take you up on that offer next week, so expect a PM.

So, yes, no, maybe? Let us know. Simple. [Edited to add since Landon didn't think to tell people when the shows are that they should be preparing for] 1st April show will be going Tuesday 15th 2nd April show will be going Tuesday 29th. I thank you. -Toxx

Scorpio. And actually, ya know, do something with him this time. Or maybe Albert/Bernard, although there's already plenty of bigmen getting screen time at the moment.

Brought to you by American Express Taped: N/A First air date: March 8th, 2007 (check local listings for airings in your area) Lead correspondent: Tony Brannigan Junior correspondent: Josh Matthews With AngleMania VII just days away, Syndicated changed tact to bring us a special AngleMania Preview edition of everybody's favourite syndicated network show. Josh Matthews and Tony Brannigan were in a TV studio in OAOAST Head Offices to precide over a nostalgic look back over 6 years of AngleMania and at the same time look forward to the seventh installment. (And, right off the bat, anyone who's thinking 'cop out' right now at the prospect of not seeing Los Diablos and Biff Atlas in action is a fucking moron. I don't usually speak that true, but, seriously, guys is lame.) Anyway, Stephen Joseph Popick defends the OAOAST World Championship at AngleMania VII versus his former protége, Tha Puerto Rican. But, amazingly, Popick has only competed at AngleMania once before, way back at AngleMania II. His opponent that night was Alfdogg, who challenges for a fourth Heartland Championship reign against Sandman9000. Here's a reminder of the old days... ~ANGLEMANIA II~ #1 CONTENDER'S MATCH ***Big Poppa Popick -VS- Alfdogg*** The two most successful (male) tag teams in the OAOAST are clearly The Heavenly Rockers and The Beverly Hills Blonds. And while The BHB are in 8-Man Tag action this year, The Heavenly Rockers are once again World Tag Team Champions and will defend against Team Heyross in Los Angeles. Back at AngleMania V, they were the challengers. And The Heavenly Rockers proved then as always why they are the most successful tag team in AngleMania history... ~ANGLEMANIA V~ OAOAST WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS ***The Heavenly Rockers -VS- The New New Midnight Express*** Anglemania hype video time! This one featured Krista Isadora Duncan discussing bits of her life living in the city of angels. Krista was born to a democratic congressman, and a mother who's neuroses and foibles could give “Woody Allen material for centuries”. Her mother had done some work as a showgirl in Vegas when she was younger, so naturally she pushed her eldest daughter, Krista, to follow the same path. Thus Krista was entered in beauty pageants from the age of five to eighteen. She also showed some serious skill in surfing and won several state and national competitions. All this success created a bit of ego with Krista (amazing, I know!), and if you hung around her you were basically part of the “Krista Show”. You had to behave like there was a celebrity in your midst, and you were just a replaceable part of the entourage. Krista believes she had a fairly happy childhood, aside from the usual neurotic self destructive behavior that plagues any well adjusted Jewish household. She said having Jade was absolutley her best childhood memory of Los Angeles, though giving her up was painfully difficult. Her oddest memory came in twelfth grade when her uncle, who worked as a state attorney in Sacramento, got caught up with a sixty eight yr old transsexual hooker. Though her dad was worried about his own political career, her grandmother was nonplused simply saying “at least he wasn't screwing a Jap.” As Krista notes it happens to all great political leaders, Churchill, Roosevelt, Kennedy, all “too silly to look for that willy”. “One day your screwing a chick with a dick, the next your niece is on a tag team called chicks over dicks.” Speaking of chicks over dicks, Krista said her coming out did not go over terribly well with the family. Her mother was expecting some nice Jewish doctor for an in law “to provide discounts on Valium, probably”, and now she'd “be stuck with some Holistic hampster doctor with dreadlocks and shaggy pits.” Her grandmother was again nonplused, commenting that “at least she wasn't dating a Negro.” Krista said she tried to cover up her sapphic leanings by dating Ned Blanchard. Ned had been a friend of her brother Nick's, and was so unbelievably ignorant, self centered, misogynistic, and empty headed, “that only a straight woman would be dumb enough date him.” Ned did provide some laughs for Krista such as his lamentable foray into stand up comedy. His ill chosen debut jokes on the difference between Martian women and plutonian woman was not only an astronomical inaccuracy it also drew the ire of a heckler in a wheel chair. As any right thinking man would do, Ned dived into the audience and beat the life out of the wheelchair bound cretin. On the way home, Ned defended his actions saying “His chin wasn't in a wheelchair, he should've bobbed and weaved!” Ned did give Krista the gift of Maya, which she is eternally thankful for and owes him a world of gratitude. Even if she does bash him in the face with a lacrosse stick on television every couple of months. Krista said she got her start in the OAOAST in 2004, when her agent came to her and said she had a choice between an easy gig on some wrestling show, or a leading role in a Clint Eastwood movie about a hardened boxing trainer who works with a determined woman in her attempt to establish herself as a boxer. Krista didn't feel the Eastwood film had any potential for success and took the OAOAST job. Oops! Though, the OAOAST job proved beneficial as her best friend and eldest daughter both worked there. She expects to get cheered louder then anyone at Anglemania in Los Angeles, because “no one else has their name on one of the sidewalks!” At AngleMania VII, Krista and Alix wrestle one on one for the first time. In stark contrast to last year, when they were on top of the world as Tag Team Champions, defeating Christian Wright and Theodore Moneymaker (who'll be in 8-Man Tag action btw.) Neither have been defeated at AngleMania... or, like, ever. But mainly at AngleMania. That'll change at AM VII, but lets look back at happier times and reminise before then, huh? ~ANGLEMANIA VI~ OAOAST WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS ***Chicks Over Dicks -VS- Theodore Moneymaker and Christian Wright*** So, hey, how about this year? OAOAST ANGLEMANIA VII ~OAOAST World Heavyweight Championship~ Stephen Joseph Popick © -vs- Tha Puerto Rican ~First Time Ever!~ Krista Isadora Duncan -vs- Alix Maria Spezia ~One On One Grudge Match~ Zack Malibu -vs- Bohemoth ~OAOAST Heartland Championship~ Sandman9000 © -vs- Alfdogg ~One On One Grudge Match~ Todd Cortez -vs- Landon "La Cucaracha" Maddix ~OAOAST One And Only World Tag Team Championships~ The Heavenly Rockers © -vs- Team Heyross ~Stairway To Oblivion II~ James "Lunar Pheonix" Cone -vs- Jester ~Eight Man Tag Team Match~ The Enterprise -vs- The Lone Star Gunslingers and The Christ Air Express ~Four On Two Handicap Match~ Reject and Thunderkid -vs- The Burrough Boys AND MORE... #~OAOAST presents ANGLEMANIA VII~# 8 DAYS TO GO!! (as of original airdate) But wait, we couldn't leave without looking at Zack Malibu, could we. A near flawless AngleMania record, sans last year of course, Zack has seen action in the last 5 AngleManias. This year it'll be a first time opponent in Bohemoth in a battle built out of mutual respect and friendly rivalry gone wrong. Bohemoth will be right up against it with Zack though. And in the interests of getting something a little different and a little more current on, here's Three For The Money from AngleMania V to show how tough beating Zack will prove to be at the grandest stage... ~ANGLEMANIA V~ THREE FOR THE MONEY MATCH ***Zack Malibu -VS- Scotty Static -VS- Johnny Jackson -VS- Jamie O'Hara -VS- Faqu -VS- James Blonde*** And that was that... ...ALMOST! Josh and T-Bod were interrupted midway through signing off by none other than "THE DISCO DUCK" VINNY VALENTINE!! Furious at not getting a paycheck this week and equally furious at not being showcased at all in any of the clips, despite the fact he wasn't with the company for any AngleMania previous, Valentine demanded that he be allowed to "spell it out for the squares". I have no idea what that means, neither did Josh or Tony. Nevermind. Vinny bemoaned the fact that two weeks in a row, he has been attacked and embarrassed by "that weird cat" Mister Warrior on Syndicated. Far from being relieved at avoiding a third humbling this week, he vowed that he was going to take "a groovy kinda revenge" on Warrior and finally send him back to 'The Heavens' once and for all. Not just in front of a syndicated TV audience though, oh no. Vinny vowed he was going to do it at AngleMania VII!! No, seriously. As Vinny rambled on though, the TV screens behind Josh and Tony suddenly short-circuited and went to static. Even weirder, pink smoke began to plume out from the back of them. Just before the three were about to run for their lives, the TVs then came back to life with MISTER WARRIOR's face front and centre! The OAOAST's most all-powerful being rambled about... uh, something... before vowing to "rape and pilage all that disco before thee", leaving Vinny a quivering wreck as Syndicated faded away.

I'll see what I can do about the match, but I can definately handle HD this week. I've got a job interview myself this week, which hopefully shouldn't be much of a distraction.

Love Doctors vs. Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew (there's a reason why it didn't happen last week, trust me!) Plus other stuff

All this talk of ending Taker's streak, I still don't buy that it's going to put anyone over for long. You'll get the big reaction at WrestleMania and a boost for a month or so afterwards. But after that, it's progressively going to mean less and less, to the point where the guy becomes the next Chris "1st Undisputed Champion" Jericho, where they just say "I'm the guy who ended The Undertaker's streak!" week after week, to less and less reaction... unless the follow-up is booked well. Ending Taker's streak alone isn't going to 'make' anybody. As far as WrestleMania goes, am I the only one expecting Batista/Umaga to be the sleeper match? I just re-watched Batista/MVP NHB from Smackdown a couple of weeks ago and it was such a great match. Batista, with the right opponent, is capable of a great match.

It would be the shit if Sydal taught Mayweather that swinging DDT where Sydal jumps off someone's CHEST. Well Miz already stole his corner clothesline and Melina already stole his vertical legdrop thingy, so what the hell, why not?

Glad to hear everything turned out alright Zack. I had meant to throw something together myself just incase things were still on top of you, but thankfully things are good.

Landon Maddix vs. Todd Cortez

Well, RVD did a good job when he did get the title as I recall, so... EDIT: Wait, they did!? When did that happen!? Man I'm in a sarcastic mood tonight.

The main-event was one of the most unintentionally hilarious matches I can remember seeing in a while. Just the visual of 17 guys on one side of the ring against two was great. Hearing the words "17 on 2 Handicap Match" was great. The fact they managed to come up with a match to ensure the heel WWE Champion got babyface pops 2 weeks from WrestleMania was great. At the end, I half expected Kennedy to come out while Orton and Cena were down to build the "If Kennedy wins MITB he'll cash it in at WrestleMania" storyline, especially now Jeff's gone and the winner is up in the air. I thought it was odd he wasn't one of the roster in the match. Guess he just wasn't there. Santino was 'on' all night. The sandwich stuff, "Snoopy The Dogg", the Marine headbutt spot in the main-event. I can't believe anyone would want to see him as a serious wrestler as opposed to what he's doing now. Also, was it just me or was Punk/Carlito was really sloppy for the first few minutes. They just about rescued it by the end, but at first it seemed like they were having trouble stringing a lot of stuff together.

The irony is, Mayweather is probably the best heel character they've got in the company. Mainly because it's not a 'character' as such, it's just him with the volume turned up, as the saying goes. That Mayweather video last night was great.

Well, Hatton is incredibly popular over here. His name alone has sold towards 50,000 tickets for his latest fight in his hometown and he's a 'guy on the street' kind of person that everybody in Britain seems to get behind. Plus, any chance for Brits to get wasted and watch a fight abroad is a big ticket, no matter the occassion. The problem with Mayweather so far has been that they picked one of the most natural heels in sports and attempted to place him in the face role.

Todd Cortez's Cibernetico III trophy presentation The Love Doctors vs. The Mardi Gras Homewrecking Crew (!)

~AFTER THE SHOW~ "OK guys, this really can't go on," Landon Maddix says severely, controlling the impulse to swivel in his leather chair. "This is the second time in a month we've booked you two to face each other, and for the second time in a month you have failed to be able to compete." He glowers at Annie Eclectic. "However, at least you remembered to find your way to the arena this time. I'm not sure if that's good, or if the fact I think it's good is a reason to break down and cry." "There were strippers..." Annie mutters, looking at her boots. "And Tom," Landon sighs, looking at the Superior One, "what, have you started hanging around with Kibagami now? What's with the alcoholism?" "I'm not an alcoholic," Flesher snaps. "I'm just trying to deal with the fact that there's a total incompetent running this place." "Hey, Toxxic's not totally incompetent," Maddix protests, "and besides, he's not running the place, I am!" "That's what I... oh, never mind," Tom sighs, taking another long pull of bourbon. "Are you going to finish that?" Maddix asks, looking at Tom's glass. "Not just yet," Flesher replies, frowning at the Commissioner, "why?" For answer, Maddix just snaps his fingers and an SWF flunkey who had been standing quietly in the corner darts forward and snatches the glass from Flesher's hand. "Hey!" Tom starts to turn in pursuit; Annie Eclectic turns around as well. "URRRK!" *WHAM-WHAM!* "Thanks," Landon nods to President Ramu as she dusts her hands off, having performed a stereo chokeslam on the two offending members of the roster. "Last time he spilled bourbon on the carpet, and you should see the cleaning bills the arena tried to hit us with." Ramu makes a snatch for the glass of bourbon in the hand of the SWF staff member. "Hey!" Landon shouts, "you can't have that, you're undera-" *WHAM!* "OK, have it if you want it," the Commissioner shrugs as the flunkey is effortlessly chokeslammed without a drop of bourbon spilled, "just, um... take it away from here, OK?" The diminutive enforcer turns away and opens the office door, to find the doorway (partly) filled by the be-slinged form of Toxxic, who looks down in some confusion. "Landon, there's... a midget with a glass of whiskey in our office." "Ah," Landon begins, "I-" *KER-RACK!* Having performed a picture-perfect Shining Wizard on the startled GM, Ramu carefully sets her glass down, pauses, breaks into a Muta pose for a few seconds, then picks the glass up and walks off. "Mike? Are you alright?" Landon asks with mild concern, crossing over to the Englishman. "How many fingers am I holding up?" "Bug'roff..." "He's fine," Landon announces to no-one in particular, straightening up. "TAXI!"

“Coming up we've got a clash of two of the final three of this year's Clusterfuck,” starts Mak Francis, “Hollywood Spike Jenkins and The Maori Badass Va'aiga. These are two wrestlers with some history behind them – The pair fought many times in the old SJL.” “Fought could be an overstatement!” chimes in The Suicide King, “Va'aiga OWNED Spike for much of 2003.” “True, but that's 5 years ago, King,” replies Mak, “And while Va'aiga is bigger and badder than he's ever been before, Spike Jenkins has added a lot to his own game.” PITO SUTE AKILAGI! It ain't good... It ain't good cos you'll get jumped in my hood! PITO SUTE AKILAGI! It ain't good... It ain't good cos you'll get jumped in my hood! With the shouts of Savage ringing out round the arena, Va'aiga steps into the entrance area. Throwing three fast jabs and one big right hook, Va'aiga warms up his boxing skills before throwing his hood back and walking down to the ringside area. The Maori Badass stares down the ringside camera and screams out “SPIKE E MATE!” before rolling into the ring. Funyon shouts his intro down into his own mic, “The following contest is set for one fall. Introducing first, from Rotorua, Aotearoa... weighing in tonight at 350lbs... The Maori Badass... VAAAAAAAAA'AAAAAIIIIIINNNNNNNGA!” RAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I hope this is a passing phase. There is no future where I stand, Here with you! The small round of chants for Spike Jenkins are TOTALLY drowned out by loud “VA-ING-UH!” chant, and a smaller “VA'AIGA'S GONNA KILL YOU!” chant. The crowd cam scans round to a few choice signs - “HOLLYWOOD = RATINGS”, “WORLD WHANAU!” and six fans bearing the letters B, O, O, Y, A and H! This is... THE END! And Spike Jenkins walks out into the entrance area. With a cocky smirk he walks down to ringside, Va'aiga fixing a steely glare on his opponent. Spike throws his “Heartless” jacket towards the ring attendant and slides into the ring, posing as Funyon announces, “And his opponent, wighing in at 205 lbs and hailing from Long Island New York... HOLLYWOOOOOOD SPIIIIIIIKE JEEEEEENKIIIIIINS!” before being forced to bail quickly as Va'aiga charges at Jenkins and lays into him with a flurry of punches. “Va'aiga is in a bad mood tonight, King,” comments Mak. “Va'aiga was BORN in a bad mood, Mak.” responds King. Referee Anthony Michael Hall calls for the bell. DINGDINGDING! Spike uses his MMA skills to cover up, avoiding the force of Va'aiga's blows as the Maori throws blow after blow, each one trying to cave a hole in Spike's face. As Jenkins backs away he cleverly grabs hold of the ropes and Referee Hall calls for a break, Va'aiga taking a couple of late shots before backing off. Spike tucks up into a closed fighting stance and advances on the Maori swinging a high leg kick towards his opponent which Va'aiga swats away with his arm. Spike closes the distance and throws a pair of chops into Va'aiga's chest, the Maori grunts and sways forwards but Spike ducks back and away to avoid the headbutt. “Both wrestlers are looking to keep this standing,” remarks Mak, “Spike has the skill edge, but it's hard to get over the size difference. Va'aiga is almost the size of two Spike Jenkins.” The crowd give a little appreciative round of applause. Both men circle each other in the ring, Spike throwing a few loose kicks, more as a judge of the distance than to actually hit. Va'aiga drops back looking for a move with a little range on it himself, Spike counters by charging in and driving his shoulder at the Maori's chest... Va'aiga countering by gracefully stepping to one side and forcing Spike away and down with a stiff arm. “It's hard to shift that much weight,” comments King as Spike scrabbles back to his feet. Closing the distance again, Va'aiga throws his traditional left jab which Spike weaves away from. Spike throws a massive hook kick at the Maori's head which Va'aiga sharply ducks. With his back now to his opponent Spike tries to back in with an elbow but the Maori ducks into position and flips Spike over with a back suplex... unfortunately TOO far over as Spike controls himself in the air and lands back on his feet again! The crowd get another brief round of applause in. Spike plants his feet to compose himself, but Va'aiga is too quick in following up and darts in with the Rugby Tackle! But as Va'aiga tries to rear up and smash Spike's head in The Hollywood Shooter wraps his legs around the Maori's waist and grabs the Maori's head closing into a guard. Va'aiga tries to free up an arm, falling right into a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu trap, Spike locking in an armbar. Va'aiga uses his power to get to his feet, looking to powerbomb Spike but Jenkins uses his flexibility to transition his legs up around Va'aiga's OTHER arm and then shift his weight, sropping down into a crucifix pin! Referee Hall drops to count... ONE! TWO! And Va'aiga kicks out at a short two. “Flash pin attempt with the cruicifx,” adds King, “Doesn't matter how you win, it's IF you win.” With surprising speed Spike gets to his feet and as his massive Maori opponent stands he lashes a roundhouse kick into Va'aiga's ribs. The Maori furls his brow and emits a low growl. Spike comes in with a second roundhouse kick with his opposite leg. Again Va'aiga absorbs the blow with little more than a look of consternation. Spike ducks back and covers up as Va'aiga bull rushes forward throwing blocked punch after blocked punch. Frustrated Va'aiga winds up a bigger punch but as it wildly flies in Spike grabs the arm and twists into a wristlock. Va'aiga muscles the hold round into a top wristlock of his own but Spike athletically cartwheels to reverse the hold back into his own favour. Va'aiga turns his body slightly and just YANKS on Spike's arm, dragging him forcefully into a massive tattooed shoulder. Spike winces from the jarring sensation flowing through his body as Va'aiga grabs a headlock and wrenches in on it for a couple of seconds. “ It's all been fast paced action so far,” Mak comments over the fast paced action. Having decided he's had hold of Spike Jenkins for long enough Va'aiga gives Hollywood a big shove into on the ropes. Jenkins rebounds as Va'aiga shapes for a shoulder and the pair crash together, Spike dropping straight down to the mat. Spike hops back to his feet and rushes the ropes on the opposite side and as Va'aiga shapes again, Spike stops, turns round and hits the Péle Kick! Va'aiga stumbles backwards, stunned while Spike stares out into the audience and taps his forehead. “That's how smart Spike Jenkins is!” shouts The Suicide King. Va'aiga shakes his head a couple of times and as Spike tries to follow up after his celebration he's met full in the face with a VICIOUS headbutt! “Or possibly not!” says King correcting himself. Following up quickly Va'aiga goes quicly for his boxing offense again, lashing into Spike with a right cross and a left jab, again forcing Spike to use his own fighting skills to cover up. This time Va'aiga transitions round to a back waistlock, looking to lift Spike for a German Suplex. Jenkins wraps his legs round the Maori's waist to block the move and go for a quick body scissors roll up but Va'aiga sits straight out, planting Spike down flat on the canvas with an inverted Powerbomb. Va'aiga quickly covers... ONE! TWO! And Spike leisurely kicks out. “Spike Jenkins has a lot of stamina, for a small guy,” remarks King. Spike speeds up to his feet with catlike grace and waits for Va'aiga to get up from his seated position. Spike kicks away into Va'aiga's breadbasket, doubling him up for a second, but Spike dawdles, realising quickly that there's really not a lot suplex-wise he can do with the Maori and Va'aiga composes himself and pushes Spike emphatically away. “You just cannot hope to match power with the Maori, no matter how much finesse you put behind the moves,” comments Mak. “You know what kind of finesse Spike Jenkins needs,” adds King thoughtfully, “A little King style finesse...” And as if he'd heard the words Spike launches himself at the Maori, being careful to check the referee's angle and feigns shooting for another Spear. Va'aiga plants his feet solidly but as Spike rushes in, he slams on the brakes, kneels a little and shocks the Maori with a good old fashioned Greco Roman Nutshot! “...like that!” says King, finishing his thought. A huge round of boos headed at Spike is met by that familiar Jenkins cocky grin as the Hollywood One looks down at his kneeling opponent. Va'aiga's face is still the picture of pain as Spike lashes in roundhouse kicks to Va'aiga's left and right before taking a step back, a deep breath, a second to aim himself and kicking Va'aiga solidly in the head. The whiplash of the impact sends Va'aiga sprawling across the mat and Spike drops down and covers... ONE! TWO! T.. and Va'aiga kicks out. Spike gives a cocky shrug towards the increasingly venom filled crowd as he closes in on his mat-bound victim. Grabbing a firm hold of Va'aiga's leg, Spike twists away at the foot of the Massive Maori, grapevining the leg to make the hold harder to escape. “When the flashy stuff doesn't work,” comments King, “Stick to the fundamentals.” “What would they be for you?” asks Mak “Work a body part, keep to the wrestling basics takedown and hold-wise and cheat like your life depends on it. Which against Va'aiga it may well do in Spike's case.” Desperately trying to lever his way out of the hold, Va'aiga thrusts his leg out repeatedly, simply trying to kick Spike Jenkins off him. Feigning a little weakness Spike allows the hold to be turned partially over and as Va'aiga flips himself over Spike drops the grapevine and lifts Va'aiga's leg off of the mat before driving it back down knee first. Keeping hold of the leg Spike lifts and drives back down for a second, then third time before standing back up, taking a moment to enjoy the pained grimace on the Maori's face and posing a little for the crowd. Their response is emphatic : “JENKINS SUCKS! JENKINS SUCKS!” “Don't listen to the idiots, Spike!” yells King, “concentrate on hurting the Maori!” Not that Spike needed telling as he lines up a kick, placed precisely, Sakuraba style, into Va'aiga's thigh. Va'aiga clutches his leg, possibly affording some uncomfortable cover for it with his hand as Spike fires another kick down into his floored opponent. A third and fourth follow quickly and Jenkins retreats back a couple of paces to take a breather and survey his handiwork. “Keeping a bigger opponent off a vertical base has always been a sound wrestling strategy,” calls Mak. “And if the Maori can't stand – he can't Lariat you, “ adds King. Taking his sweet time before driving home his advantage, Spike backs off slowly to the far ropes, leaning against them to set up a running attack. With a head of steam Spike leaps into the air over the legs of the fallen Maori, crashing down with both feet onto Va'aiga's leg. Spike then immediately jumps into the air again, this time coming down with a leg drop, his leg at right angles to the Maori's. Spike flips Va'aiga over and goes for a back press, lazily covering... ONE! T.. and Spike shakes his head and smiles again, transitioning STRAIGHT down to a leg lock again. Again, as expected the crowd doesn't like it one bit. “The fans are all over Spike Jenkins today,” comments Mak. “You know if wrestling was a popularity contest Va'aiga would win a lot more matches than he does,” quips King, “And if popularity was a wrestling contest he'd have NO FANS AT ALL!” Wrenching back hard on the hold, Spike Jenkins has the Maori in a difficult predicament. Spike's knowing grin wavers as he puts the maximum effort into twisting away at the Maori's leg. Va'aiga rolls his body trying to shake Jenkins free of him but Jenkins' grip is vice like and he rolls himself, keeping the hold solidly locked in. Nearer the ropes, Va'aiga reaches out looking to grasp hold of the bottom rope and Spike struggles and strains to keep his control but with a final body roll Va'aiga gets juuuuust near enough to touch the bottom rope and Spike is asked by Anthony Michael Hall to break. Spike refuses and the count is put on... ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! FI.. and Spike releases a split second before Referee Hall would have had to disqualify him. “That was nearly a DQ for Hollywood,” comments Mak incredulously. “Why break any sooner, you've got five!” replies King. Spike doesn't even give a clean break as he stamps away at Va'aiga's leg a few more times before backing away from the ropes. Slowly rising to his feet, The Maori glares at Spike and walks slowly, even by his own standards of slow, back towards his crusierweight opponent. Va'aiga grabs for a free arm and whips Spike with some force into the ropes. Va'aiga fires off an elbow towards where he expected Spike to be headed, but Spike slides down low between the legs of his opponent and simply trips up Va'aiga, sweeping the Maori's legs away with his arms. This time Spike switches up his tactic against his massive opponent, wrenching back on the leg again but this time turning it round and leaning back with a half Boston Crab. “For all his striking prowess, Spike Jenkins is a very solid technical wrestler,” comments Mak. “Shades of Toxxic in how he's dealing with the Maori,” says King approvingly. Referee Hall checks on Va'aiga asking him whether he wants to give up. Va'aiga emphatically shakes his head. Wrenching the hold a little tighter Spike screams out for Anthony Michael Hall to “ASK HIM!” Va'aiga screams out an unsubtle reply : “NO FUCKING WAY!” Spike twists the hold a little tighter again and then twisting his own body round Spike TREADS ON VA'AIGA'S HEAD WITH A FREE FOOT! Possibly as a response to the insult, possibly just because Spike has shifted his weight Va'aiga grunts loudly and powers his way half free of the hold and then kicks Spike off him. With a look of sheer malice in his eyes Va'aiga slowly stands and eyes up his opponent. Spike approaches and swings a low roundhouse kick at Va'aiga's legs again. Expecting the move Va'aiga takes a half step back and deflects the blow with his arm. Spike advances and fires a European uppercut under the Maori's chin. Va'aiga reels back and fires off a left jab. Spike responds with another forearm uppercut. Va'aiga with another punch. Spikes fakes out Va'aiga with another uppercut attempt and then drops into page one of the Ric Flair Book O' Heel Tactics going straight for the eyes. “A blatant eye rake!” hollers Mak Francis. “After a closed fist!” yells King in response, “All's fair in love and pro wrestling, Mak!” With his opponent reeling and temporarily blinded Spike charges again, going low and driving his shoulder back into that knee of Va'aiga. The Maori drops down to one knee and Spike looks out into the crowd, grinning that evil grin. Spike backs off and charges full tilt at the Maori, bouncing off the semi upright knee and driving his foot into the back of Va'aiga's head! “DANGEROUS WIZARD!” calls Mak as Spike drops to cover... ONE! TWO! TH... and Va'aiga rolls a shoulder up. Sensing his opponent is having trouble kicking out Spike pushes the lifted shoulder back down and asks Referee Hall to count again ONE! TWO! And Va'aiga lifts his other shoulder up. Spike stands and takes a moment to consider his options. “JENKINS SUCKS!” is yet again the opinion of the crowd. Taking a kick boxing stance Spike circles round Va'aiga, throwing a wide roundhouse kick over where Va'aiga WOULD be standing up if he were trying. Spike closes in and fires a rapid series of kicks into Va'aiga's leg again before dropping to the mat and flicking through his mental book of MMA holds goes for a heel hook. Spike wraps his legs tight around Va'aiga's and locks his hands around Va'aiga's ankle. Spike twists the hold, torquing Va'aiga's lower leg as the Maori slaps the mat rhythmically, trying to feed off the energy of the crowd. With each block of three slaps on the mat the crowd noise builds to a thunderous “VAH-ING-UH!” chant. Spike shouts out “ASK HIM!” at Referee Hall, who obliges by questioning the Maori on whether he wants to quit. “NO!” is the response “ASK HIM!” shouts Spike again “NEVER!” “VAH-ING-UH!” “ASK HIM!” “NO WAY!” “VAH-ING-UH!” “ASK HIM!” “NOT TONIGHT MOTHERFUCKER!” comes the Maori's final scream as he allows the crowd's support to boost him and with his other legs Va'aiga kicks Spike on the wrist, forcing him to break the hold! Both men stand and Va'aiga is feeling it as he screams “NOKU TE WA!” “It's the Maori's turn now!” translates Mak. Advancing on Spike, The Maori has a full head of steam on and fires lefts and rights at his opponent. Spike ducks and weaves, avoiding what blows he can and as the Maori's assault relents Spike charges in with a knee. Again Referee Hall's view is obscured, but the boos of the crowd and the reaction on the face of Va'aiga makes it VERY clear where Spike hit - “Right in the coconuts, baby!” comfirms The Suicide King. Spike drops immediately to cover again... ONE! TWO! THR.. and Va'aiga again lifts a shoulder. Frustrated, Spike stands up quickly and stomps away at the leg again, trying as much to take it home as a trophy than to actually win the match. Lugging the massive weight of his opponent across the ring, Spike puts Va'aiga's injured leg across the bottom rope and using the top rope for extra height Spike bounces up and stomps again. “JENKINS SUCKS!” And again. “JENKINS SUCKS!” And a third time! “JENKINS SUCKS! JENKINS SUCKS! JENKINS SUCKS!” Spike takes time out to flip off the fans as he picks Va'aiga off the mat by his dreads. “IT'S OVER!” shouts the cocky Jenkins as he grabs the Maori's head and rams it into a standing head scissors. “He's going for the Endwell!” shouts King. Va'aiga's leg buckles as Spike tries to hit the move, stalling Spike's attempt to end the match. Spike hammers down onto Va'aiga's back, pummeling down with his fists but that just causes Va'aiga to buckle and collapse down to the mat. “If Spike Jenkins hits this it's all over!” hollers Mak. Spike again drags Va'aiga up by the dreads and again applys the front facelock... “VAH-ING-UH! VAH-ING-UH!” Spike takes Va'aiga's right arm and bends it into position... “VAH-ING-UH! VAH-ING-UH!” Then his left arm... “VAH-ING-UH! VAH-ING-UH!” Spike jumps a little into the air to get as much impact on the move as possible... AND VA'AIGA STANDS UP BACK DROPPING SPIKE OVER HIS HEAD! Spike stands quickly and spins in looking to knock Va'aiga out clean with his Roaring Elbow... And Va'aiga ducks and flips Spike back to the mat with a super fast Back Suplex! “Who'd know better how to counter a Rolling Elbo than someone who's face off in high profile matches with Danny Williams!” yells Mak. Jenkins hops back up to his feet and charges in at the unsteady Maori, extending his arm and looking for his Lariat... WHICH VA'AIGA CASUALLY SWATS AWAY WITH HIS ARM! VA'AIGA SCREAMS DEFIANTLY! “Who'd know better how to counter the Lariat than a man who calls himself a Master at it!” calls King, with a slight sneer. Still grasping at his leg Va'aiga makes Spike's confidence wither with a glare. Va'aiga grasps at Spike, grabbing a waist lock. Quickly the Maori transitions to a back waist lock, looking for a German Suplex. Instinctively Spike counters to a back waist lock of his own, before dropping to his knees... but as Spike goes for the old Flair Nutshot from behind, Va'aiga grabs him by the wrist and drags poor Spike between his legs and up to his feet. “Shades of VDN vs Revolution Zero,” calls Mak, “That's what happened to Austin Sly when he went to the well one too many times!” Face to face with the enemy Va'aiga scowls and decides to use his head – literally! Headbutt after headbutt rains in on the skull of Spike Jenkins as Va'aiga is just going INSANE on the Hollywood Star. Spike reels away, clutching his face in pain but there's no relief as Va'aiga smashes an enormous left jab into Spike's exposed cranium. The crowd knowing fully what's coming shouts an enthusiastic “ONE!”. Another left jab jars Spike's neck backwards. “TWO!”. A third left jab and now the colour seems to be draining from Spike Jenkins' face along with his confidence. “THREE! OoooooooooOOOOOOAH...” as Va'aiga kisses his right fist and BLASTS SPIKE HALFWAY ACROSS THE RING WITH THE RIGHT HOOK! Va'aiga throws the Shaka Sign from the crowd and as one the fans and The Maori shout “BOO-YAH!” “CLOSED FIST! CLOSED FIST!” screams King! “All's fair in...” is all Mak gets in before King informs him he can “Blow it out your ass, Francis!” Va'aiga limps menacingly (hey it's a 350lb tattoo faced monster – he can do most things menacingly!) towards Spike who is sprawled against the ring ropes. Va'aiga spins Spike round by the throat before LAWN DARTING Spike into the canvas with a massive German Suplex! Spike barely has time to grab breath as Va'aiga hobbles over towards him and Spike finds himself dragged up by the hair himself. This time Va'aiga applies a Full Nelson and again falls backwards, Dragon Suplexing Spike HARD into the canvas! “Va'aiga likes to hit these moves with a roll through normally,” remarks Mak. “Not with his leg in this state, even with his strength.” adds King. Looking down at Spike on the mat Va'aiga thinks about something,maybe a cover, but decides to lift Spike up for a third time. Va'aiga slides his right arm into a half nelson, drags Spike's left arm across his own throat. Spike struggles and splutters, being choked out by his own arm but the release of pressure is no relief from damage as Va'aiga falls backwards and SMASHES Spike back into the canvas with... “THE SWISS SUPLEX!” as Mak shouts! Finally Va'aiga floats into a cover... ONE! TWO! THR.. and Spike barely manages to kick out. Va'aiga howls a primal scream to the crowd who enthusiastically chant “VAH-ING-UH!” again. Slowly getting to his feet Va'aiga turns to face the groggy Spike Jenkins, taking his time to stand for obvious reasons. “Spike is on Dream Street!” yells Mak. “I think he'd be safer on Elm Street!” adds King. Spike turns slowly as Va'aiga struts in, still uncomfortable on the leg, but the Maori still has the strength to dive at Spike's legs, taking him down and with Spike still a little out of it he doesn't have the wherewithal to lock in the guard, and with that extra separation Va'aiga has room to rain down elbows into Spike's face. Va'aiga hooks a leg and covers again... ONE! TWO! THR... and Spike AGAIN just kicks out. Referee Hall backs off as Va'aiga shouts “TAHI! RUA! TORU!” at him, slapping his fist against his palm showing the cadence of count he wants. Va'aiga gets to his feet again and backs up to the ropes. Lumbering forward Va'aiga charges at Spike, extending the arm for the EVIL, NASTY, VICIOUS.... and it doesn't matter about the rest as given Va'aiga's lack of pace Spike EASILY ducks out of the way. Spike responds by spinning round and going for another Roaring Elbow but Va'aiga ducks. Va'aiga swings a punch and Spike ducks. Spike lashes a chop across Va'aiga's chest and Va'aiga ROARS! Spike chops and chops and chops at Va'aiga until the Maori is backed into a corner, but Va'aiga reverses and forces Spike into the corner, smashing the point of his elbow repeatedly into Spike's face AGAIN! “How much punishment can Spike Jenkins withstand?” asks Mak. Va'aiga aims to answer that question quickly, advancing on his cruiserweight opponent and headbutting him again! “When Va'aiga is in a bad mood EVERYTHING he does targets the head.” remarks Mak. “I refer you to my earlier comment about Va'aiga's mental state,” replies King. With his opponent stunned again Va'aiga turns Spike round and lifts him up as if to give him a backdrop. The Maori then sits out and reverses the direction Spike was moving in so the unfortunate Jenkins gets creamed face first into the mat! “THE MAORIBOMB!” calls Mak. “Try not to sound so pleased,” sneers King as Va'aiga drops to cover and Referee Hall slides into position... ONE! TWO! THR... and Spike JUUUUUST lifts a shoulder. Annoyed, well sort of MORE annoyed really, Va'aiga fires punch after punch into the grounded Jenkins. Va'aiga stands up and then falls face first back down again, dropping his head straight onto Spike's! Va'aiga stands again... but this time from somewhere deep inside his soul Spike reaches up and TRAPS VA'AIGA WITH AN INSIDE CRADLE! ONE! TWO! THR... and Va'aiga kicks out! The Parent's Television Council are welcome to write letters of complaint on Va'aiga's reaction to the pinning combination... “MOOOOOOTHERFUUUUUUUUUUUUCKER!” Fuelled with fire and hatred Va'aiga drags Spike roughly to his feet and wraps one of Spike's arms around his own throat! The entire crowd goes briefly silent as Va'aiga racks up Spike looking for his “Oh you've pissed me off!” finisher... but Spike manages to tilt his weight in the rack and Va'aiga's knee gives way, landing Spike in an impromptu pin! ONE! TWO! THR... and Va'aiga kicks out with MASSIVE authority. “Spike looks like he's trying to steal the match!” calls Mak. “Any win is a win. You get the bonus either way,” comments King. Va'aiga stands up slowly and this time Spike seems a little sharper as he turns to look at Va'aiga and charges full pelt at his Maori opposition. Spike extends his arm and catches Va'aiga with a Lariat! “THE LARIAT! THE LARIAT!” shouts King, aping how Mak Francis calls the move when Va'aiga hits it. Va'aiga drops to the mat and Spike goes to cover again... ONE! T... NOT EVEN A TWO COUNT! And Va'aiga is up. And Va'aiga is focused. And Va'aiga is not letting a jumped up little cruiserweight attempt to Lariat DA MAORI go unpunished! Spike is second to his feet, the wear and tear of the match beginning to take it's toll as Va'aiga closes in for the kill shot. The Maori picks up Spike and holds the cruiser across his massive chest. “He's going for the Maori Drop!” screams Mak! Va'aiga backs up two steps... and Spike throws a desperation elbow into Va'aiga's temple. The Maori buckles again on his bad leg and Spike lands in another pinning predicament! Referee Hall again drop to count... ONE! TWO! T.. and Va'aiga kicks out. “You know I think that's the first time Spike's been anywhere near that move and NOT been pinned,” commentates Mak. Spike immediately sense his chance and dives on the fallen Maori, flipping him roughly over and seating himself on the Maori's back. Va'aiga struggles to counter, but Spike reaches down and grabs for the massive Maori skull. Spike traps Va'aiga's arm with his own free arm and pulls back... “THE SILVER LINING!” screams Mak! Spike pulls back as hard as he can and SCREAMS almost begging Va'aiga to tap. “This could be the end,” calls King, “I don't know if the Maori has anything left.” The crowd begin calling again for “VAH-ING-UH!” as Spike applies as much pressure as his 205lb frame can manage. Va'aiga shouts a defiant “NO!” “TAP!” “NOOOOOO!” “VAH-ING-UH!” “TAAAAAAAAAP!” “NOOOOOOOOOO!” “VAH-ING-UH!” “TAP! TAP DAMNIT!” “VAH-ING-UH! VAH-ING-UH!” But grasping from some deep reserve of strength inside Va'aiga slowly gets up to one knee, Spike now clutching on for dear life. “That's the problem with Spike being forced to work Va'aiga's legs – it's not playing into his finisher's strength.” comments Mak. Va'aiga meanwhile slowly... ever so slowly... juuust gets to his feet and falls backwards, crushing Spike underneath his massive weight! Spike's shoulders end up down on the canvas and Referee Hall again drops to count... ONE! TWO! THR... and Spike kicks out! Va'aiga stands slowly again and looks down at Spike Jenkins. Va'aiga looks out into the crowd, a glazed look in his eyes as he throws the Shaka sign and adjusts his forearm tape. His brain off in Never Never Land, Spike Jenkins gets to his feet on instinct alone. Va'aiga stares a hole through his former nemesis. Spike slowly turns to face Va'aiga and gets his head taken off figurateivly and nearly god damn literally with the EVIL, VICIOUS, NASTY, NOW OBSERVE LITTLE CRUISERWEIGHT THIS IS HOW YOU DO A... LAAAAAAAAAAAAARIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAATOOOOOOOOO! Va'aiga drops to cover... ONE! “THE LARIAT! THE LARIAT!” TWO “It's academic now Mak.” THREE!!!!!!!!! DINGDINGDING! “PITO SUTE AKILAGI! It ain't good.. it ain't good cos you'll get jumped in my hood” And Funyon grabs his mic to complete the formalities - “Your winner by pinfall.. VAAAAAAAAA'AAAAAAAAIIIIIINGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”