bob_barron

Part 5: A ranking of every episode, the pithiest of my pithy comments and the best of the best of the mailbag And now every episode of SNL of the past 5 years, ranked in order from 100-1: 100. Matthew McConaughey/Dixie Chicks *.75 99. Andy Roddick/Dave Matthews *.78 98. Hilary Swank/50 Cent *.8 97. Derek Jeter/Shakira/Bubba Sparxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx *.9 96. Drew Barrymore/Macy Gray *.9 95. Paris Hilton/Keane ** 94. Robert DeNiro/Destiny’s Child ** 93. Tom Brady/Beck ** 92. Eric McCormack/Jay-Z ** 91. Kate Winslet.Eminem **.1 90. Lucy Liu/Jay-Z **.1 89. Katie Holmes/Dave Matthews **.12 88. Halle Berry/Britney Spears **.18 87. Gwyneth Paltrow/Ryan Adams **.2 86. Jennifer Garner/Beck **.23 85. Mena Suvari/Lenny Kravitz **.23 84. Donald Trump/Toots and the Maytals **.24 83. Jeff Gordon/Avril Lavigne **.26 82. Ray Liotta/The Donnas **.26 81. Ben Affleck/Nelly **.27 80. Seann William Scott/Sum 41 **.28 79. Tom Green/David Gray **.3 78. Jonny Mosely/Outkast **.3 77. Calista Flockhart/Ricky Martin **.3 76. Jason Bateman/Kelly Clarkson **.31 75. The Rock/Andrew WK **.35 74. Kelly Ripa/Outkast **.37 73. Julia Stiles/Aerosmith **.38 72. David Spade/Jack Johnson **.38 71. Ashton Kutcher/Gwen Stefani **.40 70. Rev. Al Sharpton/Pink **.40 69. Drew Barrymore/Kelis **.42 68. Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas **.44 67. Lindsay Lohan/Coldplay **.44 66. Nia Vardalos/Eve **.45 65. Johnny Knoxville/System of a Down **.45 64. Pierce Brosnan/Destiny’s Child **.46 63. Lindsay Lohan/Usher **.46 62. Jessica Simpon and Nick Lachey/G-Unit **.48 61. Bernie Mac/Good Charlotte **.50 60. Al Gore/Phish **.50 59. Lara Flynn Boyle/Bon Jovi **.50 58. Jude Law/Ashlee Simpson **.50 57. Cameron Diaz/Jimmy Eat World **.51 56. Salma Hayek/Christina Aguilera **.51 55. Alec Baldwin/POD **.51 54. Jennifer Lopez **.52 53. Topher Grace/The Killers **.52 52. Kate Hudson/Radiohead **.53 51. Sara Michelle Gellar/Faith Hill **.55 50. Ray Romano/Zwan **.55 49. Justin Timberlake **.55 48. Liam Neeson/Modest Mouse **.56 47. Britney Spears **.6 46. Renee Zelwegger/Eve**.62 45. Janet Jackson **.64 44. Megan Mullally/Clay Aiken **.64 43. Alec Baldwin/Missy Elliot **.65 42. Sir Ian McKellen/Kylie Minogue **.65 41. Luke Wilson/U2 **.67 40. Matt Damon/Bruce Sprinsteen **.7 39. Brittany Murphy/Nelly **.7 38. Paul Giamatti/Ludacris feat. Sum 41 **. 37. Jack Black/John Mayer **.71 36. Queen Latifah/Ms. Dynamite **.73 35. Charlie Sheen/Nelly Furtado **.76 34. Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen/J-Kwon **.76 33. Rob Lowe/Eminem feat. Dido **.78 32. Colin Farrell/Scissor Sisters **.73 31. Cameron Diaz/Green Day **.79 30. Elijah Wood/JET **.79 29. Val Kilmer/U2 **.8 28. Christina Aguilera/Maroon 5 **.80 27. Jack Black/The Strokes **.81 26. Ashton Kutcher/50 Cent **.81 25. John Goodman/Ja Rule **.82 24. Alec Baldwin/Coldplay **.83 23. Kirsten Dunst/Eminem **.84 22. Dan Aykroyd/Beyonce **.86 21. Queen Latifah **.87 20. Robert DeNiro/Norah Jones **.88 19. Charlize Theron/Paul Simon **.89 18. Dana Carvey/Wallflowers **.9 17. Josh Hartnett/Pink **.96 16. Ben Affleck/NERD **.95 15. Billy Bob Thorton/Creed **.98 14. Colin Firth/Norah Jones **.98 13. Ellen DeGeneres/No Doubt *** 12. John McCain/White Stripes ***.03 11. Reese Witherspoon/Alica Keyes ***.06 And now the top 10 episodes of the past 5 years- 10. Adrien Brody/Sean Paul/Wayne Wonder ***.07 The show begins with a very inspired spoof of American Idol. It gets off to a slow start but after Brian Fellows’ it’s smooth sailing with every skit being good. The highlights are Saddam and Osama, Smigel’s cartoon that manages to somehow offend everyone on the planet and a very funny last skit involving producers trying to think of a name for a porno version of the Pianist. Adrien Brody was a fun host and did a lot better then I’m sure most people expected. Best skit: Saddam and Osama ****3/4 9. Christopher Walken/Weezer ***.1 You’re almost always guaranteed a good episode with Christopher Walken hosting thanks to the funny and offbeat skits that come with it. Like Brody, this gets off to kind of a slow start but peaks with Weekend Update in the middle. The Update sees Fallon and Fey finally do the perfect Update that they were reaching for all season, with great cameos from Winona Ryder and Kevin Nealon. Smigel tries to follow up with a skit called the Anatominals, a hilairously funny spoof of Yogi Bear cartoons. All this, while Walken is delivering his brand offbeat humour including a skit about a guy who is half man/half centaur. Best skit: Anatominals/Weekend Update Tie ***** 8. Will Ferrell/Queens of the Stone Age ***.14 SNL had been in a bad slump since February with the Cameron Diaz episode being the only bright spot. (Knoxville I rated thumbs up as well, but that’s because I’m really nice). SNL fans wanted to have that one great episode that they get every season and finally at the end of May, they got it thanks to a return by Will Ferrell. This show gets out of the gate at a furious pace. Before midnight, two ****1/2+ skits have been delivered. While the show doesn’t keep up with the torrid pace, and even drags a little bit in the middle, it’s instantly brought back to life with another great Smigel cartoon where he once again shows off his sick twisted humour. SNL fans had high hopes for this episode, and Will delivered in spades. Best skit: Celebrity Jeopardy ****3/4 7. Christopher Walken/Foo Fighters ***.14 Like episode #8, SNL had been in a big slump before this episode aired. The last four episodes had all been disappointments and the season was looking to be a lost cause. But in came Christopher Walken and the show immediately found its form, thanks to his offbeat and hilarious sense of humour. The show begins with a ***** skit, has the excellent Pranksters, a skit about Colonel Angus and even Dean Edwards gets a kickass skit in here. Oh and did I mention Jim Carrey, Steve Martin, Will Ferrell and Britney Spears all cameo? Best skit: Hardball ***** 6. Conan O’Brien/Don Henley ***.16 Conan brings his special brand of humour to SNL and it pays off in spades. Things get off to a good start with Ferrell’s Bush and amazing monologue and up until Weekend Update this show is just excellent. And in Update, Tina says cooter for the first time. The show can’t keep up its pace in the second half, but nothing is actively bad and everything is solid. The show ends on a high note with Conan playing a boxer who always loses to black people. And who can forget- THE MOLECULAR MAN??? Best skit: Monologue ****1/4 5. Hugh Jackman/Mick Jagger ***.25 I was there for live for this show, a fact that I don’t think I ever shut up about. Hugh Jackman is an excellent host and is a lot better then I think anyone even remotely expected him to be. This show is so good, that even Jarrett’s Room is amazing. Mick Jagger is the musical guest and does a great skit with Jimmy Fallon, that shows off how talented Jimmy is, and one of the best skits of all time closes the show. Best skit: Kangaroo Sodomny 4. Sean Hayes/Shaggy ***.28 Molly Shannon’s last show and SNL manages to send her out with a fantastic show. Sean Hayes is just an incredible host as he has tons of energy for every skit and manages to make everything that much funnier. This show features the debut of Jefferies’ and Will Ferrell’s gut busting appearance. Other great recurring characters run throughout the show and the show ends with a skit about vaginas. Best skit: Monologue ****3/4 3. Jon Stewart/India.Arie ***.28 This show is so great, that even my Big Fat Thick Novel kicks ass. There’s a memorable Newscasters skit involving almost the entire cast, Stewart’s hilarious attempt at sitting at the desk on Weekend Update, a TV Funhouse involving Beavis and Butthead, and who can forgot the great cold opening or Stewart’s hilarious monologue? Get a guy whose great at comedy and you’re going to get a great show like this one. Best skit: Monologue ****3/4 2. Snoop Dogg/Avril Lavigne ***.33 Well Avril Lavigne is the musical guest so I have a soft spot for this show already. Everyone expected Snoop to be funny and he was because everything he says is funny. This show has guy on guy kissing, Snoop with the coolest monologue ever, a great skit about freestyling, Snoop mentioning the old guys on the Muppets and FERECITO!~ It’s funny that the Lindsay Lohan show that aired the week before got all the hype, when this show didn’t get much and is the real deal. Best skit: Ferecito ****1/2 1. Winona Ryder/Moby ***.4 Will Ferrell and Ana Gasteyer’s last show is also a great show from top to bottom and the best show of the past 5 years. The final Celebrity Jeopardy for 3 years features Alex Trebek, and Neil Diamond shows up during Update. The bear skit is FINALLY done here and of course there’s the terrific tribute to Will Ferrell, which I’ve talked about at length in this review. Moby is also a fun musical guest. SNLs don’t get much better then this and none did over the past 5 years. The Pithiest of the Pithy Comments- I’ve always had a sense of humour and a big mouth and this oftentimes translated into my SNL reviews. Many times, an SNL skit would lead to me making many smart ass comments or writing stuff that I thought that was funny. I admit that a lot of what I said was pretty racist (I was once accused of being a “gay racist”) and a lot of what I said also happened to be unfunny, but if I made you laugh once, then it was worth it. My rants also became a staple of my reviews. Many times something on SNL would really piss me off (usually regarding WU) and I would be forced to go off on a long rant detailing why SNL sucks. If you read one of those, then kudos. Then of course there were my weird tangents that only I could create. I hope you enjoyed the one about the Falconer where I started riffing on Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Anyway, here is some of my favourite pithy comments over the years. And a special thanks to Bill O’Reilly for coining the phrase “pithy comments”. Dan Aykroyd is apparently on the Chris Farley diet plan. (Given that Aykroyd is still alive- I guess I wasn’t so right on that one) Message to Gwenyth Paltrow: We know you sang in Duets. We're proud of you even though like 3 people saw that movie. Now NEVER sing again. Hey Chris great job in that sketch were you played the homoerotic flamboyant character...and that other sketch where you.....Oh wait.... I guess that's about it, huh? David Spade would be proud that his legacy lives on. Then David Spade would realise he skipped Farley's funeral and that Lost and Found sucked and would stop feeling better about himself. Who is here is hoping that one day Jeff Jarrett will show up and El Kabong Jimmy Fallon?? This skit draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaged like a David Spade Coors commercial or the David Spade movie Lost and Found. I came in expecting to hate this skit was pleasantly surprised. Sorta like Lost and Found but without the pleasantly surprised part. Jeff Richards is very talented and I'd hate to see him go the way of the dodo bird and Jerry Minor. (Little did I know his funny his firing would be) Rumors of Will Ferrell's absence have been greatly exaggerated. Sadly- years of telling his stories to the bottle, then telling his stories to Joe Camel and Chilli Cheese Fries have forced Darrell Hammond to skip this show. What happened to Jerry Minor???? Ana Gasteyer ate him. Dean in a starring role. Now Grandma and Grandpa Edwards wont confuse him with Garrett Morris. Gaydar returns. The problem is it lost something in the translation from PAL to NTSC and it just didn't work tonight. I feel bad for Mr. Blake's lack of fame since he'll probably be convicted. (Wrong here) On Bruce Springsteen’s performance “inspired” by 9/11: In keeping with the times that this album was "inspired" by 9.11 (Translation: Hey New Yorkers: Still feeling blue- by my CD and be happy!) I believe this song was about that time on 9.11 when there were explosions in Afghanistan and no one knew WTF was going on. What I'm about to tell you with is something I've grappled with my entire life. People say you're born with it or that's it genetic but I've never been so sure. Sure sometimes hanging out the with the guys it was kinda weird but I was always to keep my secret and no one ever knew the truth until now. God this is going to be so tough. I, Bob Barron am a fan of country music. On the McCain show: I thought this year they weren't allowed to be funny because Will Ferrell when he left took all the humour away. Dean Edwards: Will Forte's hazing is having a bear do him in the ass while mine is having to have Chris Kattan's balls in my face? Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton: A dis is an outtarage Me on Gary’s Fish Tanks: Sure you two fucking jackass are having your little fun cracking each other up but you guys need to know something: YOU ARE ON LIVE TELEVISION ACROSS THE WORLD. ACT PROFESSIONAL. There are people who would give everything they owned to have the jobs that Jimmy and Horatio do and to go out there and have such little respect for everything just pisses a loyal viewer like me off. I like watching people who go out there, have fun and are funny while doing it while at the same time acting professional. Jimmy and Horatio must have bad self esteem issues if the only way they think they can get a rise out of an audience is by going out there and cracking each other up. I was crazy happy when Molly left and if this keeps up I will not shed a tear if you either of you get hit by a bus because you're too busy thinking of ways to crack up on the air. As a Dean-a-holic and Dean-a-maniac I was getting worried he never made it straight outta Compton. What in the blue heck was assclown doing in a skit??? Was Dean Edwards getting beaten by the cops?? The joke was beaten into the ground like it was Rodney King meeting the LAPD I know the premise of Hangin' with Mr. Cooper and Three's Company was two girls and one guy but I think a show where Tina, Seth and Dean were roommates and Don Knotts was their wacky landlord would rule all. I mean the sexual tension and the malt liquor (Dean IS on the show) would flow like wine. I didn't know Tabasco sauce was exclusive to black people. I also didn't know Maya Rudolph was black. I wonder why the crowd didn't applaud when they saw Dean Edwards in the background. Oh wait- that was Finesse Mitchell. 3 shows in and two racial remarks directed at Kenan. Miss All That yet? The Horatio Sanz rants from 2003: The Boston Red Sox played the Yankees in a thrilling 7 game series with classic moments and heart attack inducing games. Seth Meyers, who always rocks the body that rocks what was one lame party but now is not lame because of Seth's rockness, is a major Boston Red Sox fan who has done three commentaries about them in the past- all of them really funny. SO WHY THE HECK DO YOU HAVE HORATO SANZ DO A COMMENTARY INSTEAD? It just boggles my mind seeing that fat hack on Weekend Update week after week in various unfunny personas while Seth sits on the sidelines unable to bring the funny. I was a big Norm Peterson fan (who isn't) but George Wendt just looks awful now and wasn't really funny either. Horatio portraying a mentally retarded Super Fan doesn't really work since all of the Super Fans are mentally retarded to begin with. So chalk up a big 'not funny' when it comes to the Super Fans. Fuck Horatio Sanz. Despite Drunk Girl this WU was headed towards the amazing category. And then we had to endure Horatio Sanz's garbage that killed any momentum this GREAT Weekend Update was building. The stuff with P.Diddy, The Rod Roddy jokes, and all of Tina's material was tremendous and reminiscent of Updates that I had given 5* to. My heart sank when I saw Jeff trot out Drunk Girl (Impressions Jeff- not characters) but even that wasn't THAT bad and I still felt we could see a highly rated Update. It's also quite sad that Tina's Arnold was much better then Darrell's. Thus proving my theory: Everyone can do a better Arnold impression then Darrell Hammond. And then we got the endless crap of Horatio's horrible Jimmy Buffett that just seemed to drag on forever. I think time stood still during it. I know Jimmy and Horatio like to have fun and laugh and that's fine- if they keep it in dress rehearsal where it belongs. It's disgusting watching it on the live show. It's a slap in the face to every person who aspires to be on Saturday Night Live and has to sit there watching someone else live their dream and spit on it. There's a time to have fun (That's called dress rehearsal) and there's a time to be professional. (We call that the live show) It's disheartening just watching Weekend Update go to hell in a handbasket when the name Horatio Sanz is uttered. I know I pimp him endlessly but Seth Meyers has been on WU 0 times this season. Horatio Sanz has been on WU 2 times this season. That is not right at all considering he's done nothing but bring down the quality of Weekend Update and spit in the face of the hard work that Jimmy and Tina do to put this Update together. And no- I'm not blaming Jimmy here. He looked really disinterested at Horatio's antics at first and only seemed to start losing it when Horatio had already lost it. Why does the viewer want to sit there and watch two people giggle like idiots? I don't know about you but if I had the choice between a funny commentary about baseball and a man giggling- I'd pick the funny commentary. So fuck Horatio Sanz and I hope Lorne gets his head out of his ass and starts putting on people on Update who can do funny commentaries instead of people whose only talent seems to be to know how to giggle. I guess one of the perks of getting to host 10+ times is the chance to grope Amy Poehler's breasts. Steve Martin should really come back and host if that is the case. I really miss Dean Edwards. Not just because SNL has had a decrease in skits with cops in the background. I believe this is the third time where Kenan has been the subject of racial humour in some way, shape, or form. Amanda Bynes never made fun of him for being black. I wonder if on All That if they ever did a skit where Kenan stood there and watched Amanda Bynes reel off many pet names for her vagina. Given that Amanda Bynes would've been about 12 at this time- I'll refrain from making any lecherous comments. Victoria's Secret isn't completely stocked with gay people. I went there and this one guy kept complimenting me on being a Braves fan. I complimented him on getting a job at Victoria's Secret. If only Howard Dean hadn't YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAED Jeff Richards would still have a job. Tina: Lorne- we have a problem. Lorne: What is it Tina? Tina: Donald is terrible at acting. All we can really write for him are skits where he plays himself. And we've written enough of those. Lorne: Hmmmm- I got it! Let's write a skit where Donald Trump owns a funny restaurant! It'll be brilliant. Tina: But we did that with Al Sharpton and Derek Jeter. Lorne: Even better. At the end we'll reference the two previous skits we did and people will think we're hip and clever for being able to make fun of ourselves. It'll be fantastic. A precursor to this year’s Update rants: Is SNL just TRYING to piss me off? Seth Meyers has been on Weekend Update a grand total of 0 times this season. Before that Seth Meyers had been on Weekend Update 7 times. Seth Meyers has been hilarious on Weekend Update 7 times. I don't understand why the hell you would cut Seth from WU and leave in a terribly unfunny bit that went on forever. Maya Rudolph getting things dropped on her head? Not funny. Seth Meyers talking about the Boston Red Sox? Hilarious It just pisses me off seeing awful commentaries week after week that continually drag down the quality of Updates after Tina and Jimmy work so hard writing quality jokes. All this while Seth Meyers, the guy who is the BEST on Weekend Update keeps having his pieces cut week after week. To quote Tina Fey "It's redunkoulus." Weekend Update commentaries shouldn't need stupid dated gimmicks to attempt to be funny. Omarosa had the head incident like 2 months ago. Why not mock Trey- you can milk LOTS of material from that. Or of course the best idea: YOU ALREADY MILKED THE APPRENTICE IN TWO OTHER SKITS SO WHY NOT LET SETH MEYERS SHINE ON WEEKEND UPDATE YOU FUCKING MORONS. It should be noted in the skit where Donald Trump finally stopped playing himself, he ended up playing himself in the end. That's just sad. I would fuck her if she said nothing but the word 'Cheeriatzi' with a British accent for the rest of her life. The Best Of The Best Of the Mailbag I never expected my reviews to get feedback. I mean the thought that someone would take the time to email me based on stuff I said, was something pretty out there. When Sean was updating S-N-L.com with regularity, my reviews got a lot of notoriety and I began to get a lot of emails. So I figured I’d create my own mailbag where all emails went. Some weeks I remember getting tons of emails and sometimes the emails would be really long. The mailbag has faded over the past few years with S-N-L.com basically going the way of the dodo bird, but I still get letters. In every finale, I would do a best of mailbag. Well here’s the best of the best. I hope you enjoy, and thank you for your emails. The first email I ever got: Ted Hill writes: Wow. Tracey do def comedy? That was really racist. His humor is nothing like that. Could only mean one thing. jerk... Yes. My first ever email implied I was a racist. Some things seriously never change. The first of many Kattan fan emails: [email protected] writes- Geez, it must be hard to be you . What with you being an arrogant jerk, and all. I, myself, am not a considerable fan of Mr. Kattan's work, but for you to call him "a fruit," and take points off because he was in the skit is ridiculos. You look stupid. Little did this person know that in real life, I DO look stupid. Back in 2001, someone named Nancy wrote a letter about Norm and Kattan- I read in your reveiw about Kattan and Norm,so I thought I'd tell ya about it. This story sounds so stupid,I know,but I swear i'm not making it up. Kattan was riding in a plane next to Norm. He fell asleep. When he woke up,his shoe was gone. Norm claims not to have taken his shoe,but who the fuck else could have taken his shoe? So Kattan has to walk around the airport with one shoe and one soaking wet sock. Later,Kattan stole Norm's jacket when it was freezing outside. Instead of letting his poor ass turn to ice,Norm looked for the jacket. Took Kattan an hour to return it. Norm was wicked pissed. Then Norm said in a Rolling Stone interview that he thought Kattan was gay,he never thought he did anything funny,he had never seen anyone act so gay and not be gay,and that Kattan was a little gay man. Kattan responded by saying Norm had always had it out for him, and that Norm was an asshole. But,Kattan later claims that they joke around and they don't really have anything agasint each other. But Norm isn't really popular on SNL. He's known as the "don't-give-a-fuck" guy who makes fun of the show and doesn't go to,like, the after-show parties. He always just "did his fake news bit and got the hell out. Sometimes,they'd give me sketches to do,but I'm basiclly the WU guy" So that's kinda it. NANCY Paul Sporer became the first person to ever praise Bill O’Reilly in this mailbag. Kudos Paul: I've only got to see clips of the Factor sketch from the Factor itself and it looked HILARIOUS, but you're right on about O'Reilly being the man. Too bad none of the other dolts that reviews can see this. I guess they just don't understand. Paul Stooge has been consistently been my favourite reviewer since I started reviewing. I mean he manages to tell you what he thinks of an episode without rambling about hockey or Hilary Duff. So here is his reward- [email protected] writes- Hey, it's me, "Stooge" from the SNL message board. In your recently posted review of the Cameron Diaz episode, you said that the last time Ana played Celine Dion was in the Christina Ricci episode. The last time was really in the Jennifer Lopez episode from last season, at the end of the Mango sketch. It was hard to notice she was playing Celine since there was no mention of who she was and she had no individual lines, but she looked like she usually does when she plays Celine and Celine was at the real Divas concert which they were parodying in that sketch. Ryan O'Toole wrote me a long letter about what to expect in Canada- Ryan O'Toole (know he doesn't live in Ireland) writes- I liked your bit about Canada; it was kinda humorous to hear you speak of our Hockey and Tim Horton's, that's great. I don't mean this offensively, of course, but I always enjoy hearing an American talk about Canada. Generally, not too many Americans know much about Canada, understandably, because we're not as big an influence on you as you are on us. Americans and Canadians have a lot in common, but we also have a lot of differences, which you'll find out. Anyways Just a few notes, call me your travel guide if you wish, but I'm just a friendly Canadian boy trying to help a friend from down south. We have ESPN, and I think ESPN2. We also have TSN (The Sports Network), based from Toronto, mainly, which is owned or incorporated somehow with ESPN. You're right, we don't have the Republican Party, sorry. We kinda have a different system, some would argue is better and some would argue is worse. Tim Horton's is great, but fatty. Starbucks is good, if you prefer the "tastes like home" feeling once in awhile. Not as much of them as in the States, but Toronto has quite a few I do believe. We have MTV, on cable/digital cable, as well as MTV Canada. But more widely known is MM (Much Music), as well as MMM (Much More Music). Now, the wrestling video option would be best asked in terms of Mississauga, not Canada as a whole, because Canada is huge, just not very populated, but I'm sure some Toronto or Mississauga stores will have some good videos of Wrestling. Anyways, I'm hope you have fun in Ontario, Canada, Mississauga (how ever you want to put it). And you're right: Toronto Maple Leafs games are great, and I hope you enjoy "Hockey Night in Canada", as I am doing right now. Second period is underway, so I must go. Oh, and enjoy our climate, from New York you'll know, mostly, what to expect. If you were from Texas you'd be bundled up all year round. But just don't be surprised when you see people walking in shorts in March (or February). Sorry if you didn't feel the need to read this, I was just waiting for 2nd period to start and I read your review. The John McCain episode set a record for most letters in the mailbag. After complaining about my back troubles I actually had someone write in with tips on how to take care of it. [email protected] writes- Do you have hot water bottle? It would help a lot with back pai. You just use very warm water from the tap - you have running water in your dorn bathroom, right, or do you have to take the Walk of Shame from Jimmy's CD? Please get help & get better! Sara Me talking about replacing Jimmy with Seth even got letters 3 years ago- [email protected] writes- Hi! I agree with most of the opinions in your reviews, except for one in your SMG/Faith Hill review. You said that they should replace Jimmy Fallon with Seth Meyers, and I don't agree. Yes, I am a Jimmy fan, but I'm not just going to be and teenybopper and whine about how cool Jimmy is. I like Seth too, but he doesn't have the same chemistry with Tina that Jimmy has. He also couldn't do any more rants if he were an anchor, because that spot is filled by Tina. If he stays as a correspondent, he can rant and talk about the Red Sox all he wants. I don't expect you to necessarily listen to my opinion, and I definitely don't expect your opinion to change, because I've gathered that most reviewers are very opinionated and therefore stubborn sometimes. :-) I just wanted to get my opinion out, because I'd say something in a review, but I'm so damn unorganized I can never get a review sent in on time. L.K. PS--The Braves are awesome! It sucks that they lost. The Dale Harris News Organisation wrote me to tell me that I sucked- Dale Harris News Organisation writes- Why do you have to have ten pages of crap before the review? Sports update? Mailbag? Can't you just write the review without useless stuff? I want to read about SNL, not wrestling. I called Phish a group of dorks in my Gore review and I wondered how they had such a big fanbase. Someone responded Alejandro Tamargo writes- Hey Man. I'm a Phish phan, and the only explanation I can give you as to why so many of us like these dorks is, you either get it or you don't. Phish Phans are just like Trekkies. Either you're obsessive about it, or you sit there and wonder "Why the hell are all these freaks so obsessive about this?" There's nothing else I can say. Funny episode though. I thought it was the funniest in years. Alex Chad Ruffner wrote me and asked me questions about my SNL favorites I might as well post my answer- Chad Ruffner writes- Hi Bob, Since you started watching SNL regularly, what would you say was the single best episode? Also, what would you say was the single worst ep? Later, Chad Favourite: Kevin Spacey/Beck with special guests John Cleese and Michael Palin. An absolutely insanely awesome show with ***** skits left and right. Norm's first appearance as David Letterman, the cold opening, the monologue, the Star Wars audition tapes- everything in this episode is great with only the last skit not being fucking awesome. If they ever rerun this show on wherever they rerun SNL these days- do yourself a favour and watch it. It is that damn good. Least Favourite: Alan Cumming/Jlo. An absolutely pitiful episode that I didn't even watch the whole thing- it was that damn bad. Every skit was just insanely bad and dragged like there was a new law in that things must drag. The mini movie with Ben Stiller is the worst skit I have ever seen. The whole show is one pathetic piece of garbage that almost caused me to give up on SNL completely. Yes- it was THAT bad. Chad Ruffner writes- Hi Bob, Continuing on my "Best/Worst" Thread from Last Week: What, In Your Opinion, Is/Was the Best Recurring Sketch, Past or Present. And what Is/Was The Worst Recurring Sketch, Past/Present? Later, Chad Best Recurring Sketch: That's a good question. I could go all obscure and name something like Perspectives but since they only did that thrice I won't. I also assume you're not counting Weekend Updates so I won't say Norm. Roxbury Guys had a couple misses (the first one and the Baldwin one come to mind) and I haven't seen every Wayne's World so I can't put that either. I think I'll pick Celebrity Jeopardy. I can't recall one version that wasn't excellent and I consider the 10.23.99 Celebrity Jeopardy to be the greatest skit I have ever seen. Worst Recurring Skit: That's an easy one- Dog Show. There has NEVER been a Dog Show that was better then DUD and most of the time Dog Show hovered in the negative star area as the skits would just drag on and on with little humour in them. I was thinking of Pretty Living but I think Dog Show was much worse since I think there was one funny Pretty Living once. Hi Bob, I was wondering who your least favorite SNL Cast Member Is, past or present, and why? Just curious. Chad Janeane Garafalo. She only was on the show for half a season and spent that half bitching and complaining and refusing to do skits. She kept running to the media about how SNL was a boys club and all that. Thank God she only lasted half a season- I couldn't take anymore of her. Kelly Fallon once told me that I’m not funny. Now had she been to my comedy show on March 15th then I would wholeheartedly agree. She writes- Kelly Fallon writes- You can't have the best of "Barron" especially when you're not funny enough... good try though... joke or no joke it seems cocky, and again you're not funny enough, sorry! But nice try... you're no Mark Polishuk.... thanks for trying though it's been a hard year without him... keep up with your "work" and at least you're a Saints Fan I also got a fan letter from someone with a Mary Tyler Moore fanzine. Think about that one as you read this- David Davis writes- Hi! My name is Dave and I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoy reading your SNL reviews. I've been watching SNL since it first started )I'm 38) ... I discovered the S-N-L site one night last week at work... I'm a switchboard operator and I work the swing shift, where it gets very slow sometimes...we're allowed to access the internet on our terminals. Reading those reviews makes the time go by so fast and is never boring. I really enjoy your writing style. I did want to mention that I remember someone asking if an audience member ever disrupted an SNL monologue, and the reply included Andrew Dice Clay (who I just saw at the supermarket; he dyes his hair black now) -- but I also seem to recall Sharon Stone getting heckled during her "Basic Instinct" monologue. Apparently,there were some militant lesbian feminists in the audience who were protesting her portrayal of a lesbian as an evil psychopath. Of course in the repeat,the heckles were deleted. Another thing, do you remember when Mary Tyler Moore hosted back in 1989? Don Pardo had laryngitis that night and for some reason,they did not replace him and the intro's sounded hideous! he could barely croak out the names. Thank goodness they had the sense the re-record it when his voice returned for the reruns. Also,on Comedy Central,MTM's sketches were aired in reversed order,which was a good thing since the first few sketches were horrible and the audience was dead quiet. II'm a huge Mary fan and I publish a fanzine on her called "Mary") Also, I wish there was a video or DVD with all the skits that were cut out of original episodes and not included in reruns... I never got to see the Tobey Maguire skit mocking Angelina Jolie and her brother's offspring. And wasn't there a skit with Chris Farley and other male cast members exiting a space-ship practically naked? Never got to see that either and it was never rerun. Did you see either of these? Were they so offensive that they had to be cut? Anyway, I look forward to next season and more of your wonderfully written reviews. keep up the good work Best Wishes, DAVE Read my response to this mailbag answer and laugh at how wrong I truly was- Chad Ruffner writes- Hi Bob, I was wondering If you think Norm MacDonald's New Comedy on Fox, "A Minute With Stan Hooper", has any chance of surviving a Full Season. Judging from just the previews alone, I don't even think It will even make It to Mid-Season. I hope I'm wrong, though. Later, Chad Norm's show DESERVES to last past midseason. Norm is a smart guy and this sitcom is a throwback to the sitcoms of yore. Instead of building it around himself and funny one liners- the show is more of an ensemble with everyone getting their piece of the pie. Norm is just the centerpiece who Fox is marketing as the star. FOX gave it a terrific timeslot with a great lead in so they obviously are behind the show a great deal. If it can retain a fair amount of 70's Show's audience- it should have a long and happy shelf life. The constant ads airing during the playoffs can't hurt. Well the show did last 6 episodes- which is a lot longer then the Mike O’Malley show. If you admit you are a Braves fan and talk about how much you like Seth then you will make the best of best of the mailbag. This person…did both- Lauren Lazarus writes- Hey Bob, My name's Lauren, and I read your reviews every week. They're great, but the point of this e-mail is -- I'm a huge Red Sox fan (I'm a Braves fan too, as I'm from Atlanta, but the Red Sox are really my team). Last Thursday when I watched that heartbreaking Game 7, my last coherent thought before hitting the sheets around 12:30 was, "At least we'll get a good Seth Meyers commentary out of this." And then, as you said in your review -- HORATIO SANZ??? And SUPER FANS??? I was so pissed I turned it off after Weekend Update. I, like you, am in awe of the talent and humor that is Seth Meyers, and when Horatio showed up on my screen instead of Seth, I nearly blew a fuse. Anyways, just thought I'd let you know there's someone else that's ticked off over it. Have fun writing reviews, I know I have fun reading them. ~Lauren I’m trying to make this review 100+ pgs. This letter will help- [email protected] writes- Bob, just read your review on the smarkboard (and of course SNL.com) and it was solid as always. Now I've read you reviews for about 3 years now and I don't agree with a lot of the things you say, but I really enjoy reading your work. I think you once said (or maybe you were quoting Lorne on this one) that people will always think the cast they grew up on will forever be the best. To me, NOTHING will top SNL from Sept. 91 -May 95, NOTHING. Hell, I e-mailed you once defending the 94-95 season and I will say to the end of eternity that season was not really that bad and had several shining moments. I grew up on Sandler, Farley, Hartman, Rock, Myers, Carvey, Spade, Norm, Schneider, etc and I knew in Sept. 95 when the overhaul happened that SNL would never be the same for me. The show had changed and not for the better in my opinion. I used to feel a rush when the show was about to start during those years and now I don't get that rush. The only time I got that feeling was when Farley hosted in Oct. 97 and when Sandler did the cold opening last November. I'm including this because I want to rant about females on SNL. You claim that SNL is no longer a boys club, using Tina's rise to power as your primary example. Now during 91-95, there was absolutely no question that the show was a boys club, NO QUESTION. The show was dominated by the male cast members and female members were reduced to playing small roles and rarely got any of the great punchlines or overall good material. I remember Julia Sweeney on that E Special on SNL told a story that she had written this sketch that she was very proud of and thought was very funny and it got cut because Sandler thought of a new song right before the show. She knew she was going to leave the second she found out her sketch was cut. My point is that SNL was a boys club and I still believe SNL is a boys club. Bob, since Shannon, Gasteyer, Oteri left the show they have practically fallen off the radar screen. Yes, I know that Molly has had several supporting roles and that Oteri had a sitcom deal and did a few guest spots on Curb Your Enthusiasm and a small role in Scary Movie, but they really did not capitalize on the success they had on SNL. Gasteyer, as you know, will costar in Mean Girls, the script Tina wrote, and has made several guest appearances, including on Frasier. Now these women dominated SNL from about 96-2000, DOMINATED and yet they don't get the major roles. Horatio Sanz, who got much less airtime than those 3 during their time on the show together, got lead or semi-lead roles in Boat Trip and TomCats and I'm sure will have roles lined up. Will Ferrell is probably going to be the next 20 Million Dollar Comedic Lead and you know Jimmy is going to get film roles, you know it. Tracy Morgan is getting his own sitcom and I bet will land a few film roles. After their careers on SNL are over, do you think Maya is going to be a huge star? Dratch? I love her to death, but Amy? They will end up like Oteri, Sweeney, Curtain, Newman, Duke, Hooks, Jackson, Shannon, Hutzel, Walls, Dunn, the list goes on and on. SNL is still a boys club and will always be one. What did Rob Schneider do to separate himself from the females cast members, nothing really, but he gets leads in films. SNL is a forum to create male comedic stars, it always has been and always will be. Murray, Belushi, Chase, Akroyd, Murphy,Carvey, Sandler, Hartman, Farley, Spade, Myers all got that big push while the their female costars couldn't find work. Tina might be working hard to shatter this glass ceiling and her movie got the green-light, but I'm worried this will be the only chance she gets. To come full circle, SNL might not be the same for me anymore, but there is one commonality, it is still a boys club. Just needed to rant and I would LOVE to hear from you, because I know you are going to disagree. The next week someone again wrote a long letter to the mailbag- John Dupont writes- Bob -- I'm 35 and have followed SNL pretty consistently since the 70s. Even then, it had its weak points. The 78-79 season was exceptionally rough, and the same goes for most of the 79-80 season. SNL is a show that, as we know, has endured meteoric peaks and valleys. I feel the group that best rivaled the originals was the 86-90 cast (Phil Hartman had a lot to do with that), and the 95-98 seasons were quite good as well. The show showed quite a bit of promise during the 2000 season, too. As for this season, well ... It's getting to a point when I'm beginning to await a rerun week hoping to see a "Best of" show. Several problems linger with this season. First off, I wholeheartedly agree that athletes suck. With a few exceptions, they're almost consistently bad. McEnroe himself, though, would've made a much better host. He has this aura about him that makes him fit nicely into the SNL mode. Much of that involves his reputation, his knack for spontaneity and an ingredient that has been woefully missing from the show this season: He was anti-establishment. The problem with SNL at this point is that none of its cast members seem 'hungry'. Fey makes millions, nearly every cast member has already done a movie, and those who don't already feel they've crossed the threshold of stardom. Ask Robin Duke and Joe Piscopo (who wasn't that bad) about that one! What gets me worse is seeing both Fey and Fallon giggle and snicker all through Weekend Update. It was annoying when Red Skelton did it years ago, and the same applies today. The show is also suffering from the losses of Ferrell, Gasteyer (boy, do I miss her!), Kattan and Morgan. That's something that subsides with time, and the rise of a few young upstarts. But the show has been on a bad dry spell since after the fantastic Christopher Walken show last year (one for the ages). Shows with Bernie Mac and especially Dan Aykroyd were huge disappointments -- particularly the latter, who didn't have the same electricity he had even in cameos during the last few years. This group needs to quit congratulating itself and assuming they're the 'chosen ones'. I'm getting my biggest laughs these days off "The Daily Show". Why? It employs the same principles that made SNL great all along. It lets the audience decide what was funny. Cast members know their lines or read cue cards properly. And most of all, they're inspired and motivated. There are reasons to be hopeful. The show always picks up steam when Alec Baldwin shows up, much the same way as it has done with John Goodman, Steve Martin and Buck Henry. Al Sharpton should be particularly good. Politicians are almost always good on the show. Even in the Ebersol era, the show delivered strong with politicians -- George McGovern in April 1984 and particularly the Rev. Jesse Jackson edition in Oct. '84 (a true classic, one of the best shows ever). Maybe the show needs fewer prima donnas (both in terms of hosts and cast members) and people who really want to make a strong impression. I've seen Lorne Michaels turn the show around enough times to know he can do it again. I'm just hoping he doesn't wait too long to notice the red flags. The show needs help. Fast. Best Regards -- John Dupont, Baton Rouge, La. Someone named Emily Spivey doesn’t like hockey. It turns out that someone named Emily Spivey also writes for Saturday Night Live. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm- Hey, Maya Rudolph is not ugly. And, by the way, it's a sight for SNL reviews not hockey re-caps. You're boring. Chad Ruffner contributed the most to this mailbag, so for that he gets a special shoutout. Thank you Chad for always keeping the maibag stocked with a letter or two.

Part 4: SNL: The Past 5 Years: Ranking the best and worst cold openings, musical guest performances, monologues, last skits....and the top 100 skits of the past 5 years: And now the best of SNL over the past 5 years…. (Just a note- I didn’t rank anything Update related, since that’s way too many tiebreakers to break and ranking commentaries when I have no specific star rating for them would just be too hard) The top 100 skits- 100. Gore phones Bush 12/8/01 Cast: Hammond, Ferrell **** 99. Bill Kurtis 2/12/04 Cast: Hammond, Rudolph, Bateman **** 98. Astronaut Jones Cast: Morgan, Rudolph, Dratch, Diaz **** 97. African American Archives 2/22/03 Cast: Morgan, Edwards **** 96. Bush takes questions with Clinton and HW Bush 1/15/05 Cast: Rudolph, Forte, Hammond, Armisen, Poehler, Meyers, Dratch, Mitchell **** 95. Talking about ‘Ginas 2/17/01 Cast: Gasteyer, Kattan, Shannon, Ferrell, Rudolph, Dratch **** 94. Phone Booth 4/12/03 Cast: Sanz, Morgan, Edwards, Romano ***** 93. Gore interrupts Bush’s speech 11/18/00 Cast: Ferrell, Hammond, Parnell **** 92. Hardball 4/14/01 Cast: Zelwegger, Hammond, Parnell, Kattan **** 91. Freestyling 5/8/04 Cast: Thompson, Meyers, Mitchell, Rudolph, Dogg **** 90. Rumsfeld and Bush spoof the Friends finale 5/8/04 Cast: Hammond, Forte **** 89. Peter Pan Complex 2/7/04 Cast: Poehler, Meyers, Mullally **** 88. America Undercover 11/3/01 Cast: Poehler, Kattan, Edwards, Goodman **** 87. The Apprentice with George W. Bush 11/20/04 Cast: Forte, Rudolph, Hammond, Mitchell **** 86. Jarrett’s Room 12/8/01 Cast: Fallon, Sanz, Meyers, Richards, Jackman **** 85. Appalachian Emergency Room 3/13/04 Cast: Meyers, Hammond, Poehler, Parnell, Rudolph, Forte, Mitchell, Affleck **** 84. DeMarcos 5/12/01 Cast: Sambora, Bonjovi, Sanz, Kattan, Parnell **** 83. Suing Your Dog 12/9/00 Cast: Ferrell, Parnell, Morgan, Gasteyer, Sanz **** 82. Excedrin 10/9/04 Cast: Latifah **** 81. Straight Talk 1/18/03 Cast: Parnell, Fallon, Kattan, Dratch, Rudolph, Meyers, Jim Downey **** 80. Ferecito 12/11/04 Cast: Armisen, Farrell, Sanz **** 79. A Message from Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson 10/11/03 Cast: Fallon, Timberlake **** 78. Brainbusters 4/5/03 Cast: Fallon, Sanz, Mac **** 77. Fun with Real Audio 3/9/02 **** 76. Anti-War protestors 2/8/03 Cast: Fallon, Parnell, Rudolph, Kattan, Dratch, Sanz, Morgan, Edwards, Armisen, McConaughey **** 75. Swift Veterans for Truth 10/2/04 Cast: Parnell, Sanz, Armisen, Forte, Hammond **** 74. Top O’ The Morning 3/13/04 Cast: Fallon, Meyers, Forte, Sanz, Mitchell, Thompson, Affleck **** 73. Bush talks about Axis of Evil 3/2/02 Cast: Ferrell **** 72. Zing v. Slam 2/7/04 Cast: Meyers, Parnell, Dratch, Mullally **** 71. Bush twins after the Inauguration 1/22/05 Cast: Forte, Fey, Poehler, Hammond **** 70. Hardball 5/15/05 Cast: Hammond, Parnell, Rudolph, Forte **** 69. Pregnancy Test 11/3/01 Cast: Poehler, Meyers **** 68. Mick in the Mirror 12/8/01 Cast: Fallon, Jagger **** 67. Kermit sings with Justin 10/11/03 Cast: Forte, Timberlake **** 66. Farewell Jimmy 5/15/04 Cast: Dratch, Fallon, Fey, Forte, Hammond, Meyers, Parnell, Poehler, Rudloph, Sanz, Armisen, Mitchell, Thompson **** 65. Debbie Downer 5/1/04 Cast: Dratch, Thompson, Sanz, Poehler, Armisen, Lohan **** 64. Tom Ridge addresses the nation on possible terrorists 12/7/02 Cast: DeNiro ****1/4 63. Meet the new stepmom 12/15/01 Cast: Ferrell, Poehler, Meyers, DeGeneres ****1/4 62. Harry Potter 5/1/04 Cast: Dratch, Meyers, Fallon, Parnell, Sanz, Forte, Lohan ****1/4 61. Ferecito 3/6/04 Cast: Armisen, Sanz, Firth ****1/4 60. Rodney goes to heaven 10/9/04 Cast: Hammond, Sanz ****1/4 59. Jerry Maguire 2 4/14/01 Cast: Zelwegger, Parnell, Fallon, Dratch, Sanz, Kattan ****1/4 58. Presidential Debate 10/7/00 Cast: Parnell, Hammond, Ferrell ****1/4 57. Bickering Couple 5/7/05 Cast: Knoxville, Meyers, Poehler, Parnell, Dratch, Rudolph ****1/4 56. Astronaut Jones 11/16/02 Cast: Morgan, Parnell, Meyers, Nelly, Garrett Morris ****1/4 55. Star Wars Geeks 5/21/05 Cast: Lohan, Parnell, Dratch, Meyers, Forte, Hammond, Mitchell, Riggle, Thompson ****1/4 54. TV Funhouse with Michael Jackson 4/9/05 ****1/4 53. Dick Cheney talks about Letterman replacing Koppell 3/9/02 Cast: Hammond ****1/4 52. Crazy Court 11/2/02 Cast: Poehler, Parnell, Sanz, Meyers, Forte, McCormack ****1/4 51. An Easter Treat from SNL 4/16/04 Cast: Fallon, Sanz, Cowell, Kattan, Morgan ****1/4 50. Bambi 5/11/02 Cartoon ****1/4 49. Name that Stag Film 5/10/03 Cast: Parnell, Poehler, Forte, Brody ****1/4 48. Delicious Dish 4/7/01 Cast: Baldwin, Dratch, Gasteyer ****1/4 47. Busted in the Box 3/15/03 Cast: Hayek, Fallon, Forte ****1/4 46. Rock and Roll Heaven Cast: Fallon, Morgan, Sanz, Shannon, Ferrell, Kattan, Gasteyer, Kilmer ****1/4 45. John Aschroft gives sketchy terrorism warnings 11/3/01 Cast: Hammond ****1/4 44. Clinton’s farewell address to the nation 1/20/01 Cast: Hammond, Ferrell ****1/4 43. Boston Teens 3/13/04 Cast: Meyers, Fallon, Dratch, Poehler, Sanz, Affleck ****1/4 42. George W. Bush responds to 9/11 attacks 10/5/01 Cast: Ferrell ****1/4 41. Kitty Singleton 12/15/01 Cast: Sanz, Ferrell, Rudolph, Edwards, DeGeneres ****1/2 40. American Idol: Celebrity Edition 1/17/04 Cast: Rudolph, Parnell, Forte, Richards, Sanz, Poehler, Mitchell, Lachey, Simpson ****1/2 39. Airplane 1/12/02 Cast: Morgan, Gasteyer, Poehler, Dratch, Meyers, Hartnett ****1/2 38. Mexican Restaurant 1/17/04 Cast: Poehler, Meyers, Sanz, Lachey, Simpson ****1/2 37. X-Presidents Cartoon 1/12/02 ****1/2 36. Who is the Highest? 12/13/03 Cast: Fallon, Forte, Thompson, Wood ****1/2 35. Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider sing the Channukah song 11/16/02 Cast: Sandler, Schneider ****1/2 34. Homocil 2/17/01 Cast: Parnell, Ferrell, Gasteyer, Morgan ****1/2 33. Cork Soakers 4/16/04 Cast: Parnell, Sanz, Fallon, Hammond, Meyers, Dratch, Rudolph, Armisen, Jackson ****1/2 32. Hardball 4/13/02 Cast: Ferrell, Hammond, Fallon, Kattan ****1/2 31. Peter Pan 12/7/02 Cast: Kattan, Poehler, Meyers, Richards, DeNiro ****1/2 30. Senate Hearings 1/22/05 Cast: Poehler, Meyers, Rudolph, Riggle, Giamatti) ****1/2 29. Ferecito 5/8/04 Cast: Armisen, Sanz, Dogg ****1/2 28. High Times 1/19/02 Cast: Kattan, Hammond, Poehler, Sanz, Richards, Meyers, Fallon, Edwards, Rudolph, Black ****1/2 27. Ferrell returns to SNL 5/15/05 Cast: Ferrell, Poehler, Fey, Parnell, Thompson, Mitchell, Michaels ****1/2 26. Aaron Brown 4/12/03 Cast: Hammond ****1/2 25. Nick Burns 11/17/01 Cast: Fallon, Dratch, Kattan, Richards, Thorton ****1/2 24. Hardball 10/11/03 Cast: Hammond, Richards, Poehler, Thompson ****1/2 23. TV Funhouse Shazzany 5/15/05 ****1/2 22. Are You Hot? 3/15/03 Cartoon ****1/2 21. Hardball 10/23/04 Cast: Hammond, Meyers, Forte, Poehler ****1/2 20. Anatominals 4/20/02 Cartoon ****1/2 19. Celebrity Jeopardy 12/16/00 Cast: Fallon, Hammond, Ferrell, Liu ****1/2 18. Newspeople 3/9/02 Cast: Fallon, Fey, Gasteyer, Hammond, Morgan, Parnell, Rudolph, Sanz, Edwards, Meyers, Poehler, Richards, Stewart ****1/2 17. Message from an Airline 10/12/02 Cast: Parnell, Poehler, Rudolph, Forte, Morgan ****1/2 16. Pranksters 2/22/03 Cast: Meyers, Rudolph, Kattan, Walken ****1/2 15. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer 12/15/01 Cartoon ****1/2 14. Jefferies 2/17/02 Cast: Ferrell, Fallon, Shannon, Sanz, Kattan, Hayes ****1/2 13. Wacky Extras 5/11/02 Cast: Kattan, Rudolph, Parnell, Poehler, Meyers, Dunst ****3/4 12. Memorial for Buddy 1/12/02 Cast: Hammond, Morgan ****3/4 11. Fun in a Taxi 2/7/04 Cast: Thompson, Mitchell, Mullally ****3/4 AND NOW THE TOP 10 SKITS FROM 2000-2005 10. Celebrity Jeopardy 5/15/05 Cast: Ferrell, Poehler, Hammond, Thompson ****3/4 Synposis: Another round of Celebrity Jeopardy sees Alex Trebek get exasperated by Bill Cosby, Sharon Osbourne and of course, Sean Connery Why it’s great: Celebrity Jeopardy hadn’t been done in three years and it was great getting to see it again, with all the great Celeb Jeop bell and whistles. Kenan turns an especially strong performance as Bill Cosby, Amy is solid and Ferrell and Hammond are as good as always. Review: Celebrity Jeopardy Cast- Ferrell, Darrell Hammond, Amy Poehler, Kenan Thompson Thoughts- I don’t know if Amy doing Sharon Osbourne would’ve been my pick for the other impression but she did a good job. Kenan as Bill Cosby and Darrell as Sean Connery being in the same skit is pretty awesome though. I was glad to get to see Kenan truly shine in a very high profile skit. He did Bill Cosby in his first show and it’s my favourite thing he’s done, and he held his own tonight. I was also glad someone remembered the Potent Potables, because I would’ve labelled the skit a DUD and moved on. Ferrell was excellent as the straight man as always and I love the Trebek-Connery relationship they’ve established. Lots of great lines here, especially from Cosby (Jello Pudding!) and Connery (Jap anus relations) and we got in a good poop joke at the end. Easily the best skit of the year and it was great seeing an old favourite return. ****3/4 9. Hardball 10/19/02 Cast: Hammond, Morgan, Dratch, McCain ****3/4 Synopsis: On this edition of Hardball, Chris Matthews talks with John Ashcroft, Harry Belafonte and an ACLU lady. Why it’s great: There are so many great lines on this skit. (Osama Bin Laden is an Uncle Tom, if you blow up one building it automatically makes you a terrorist…it’s hypocritical) Darrell is perfect as the straight man, playing off all the crazy lines he’s fed with a blank face and a penchant for smart-ass comments. His “Good God I can’t figure out who that’s offensive to,” is one of my favourite lines of all times. This made my top SNL moments list, and truly deserves to be there. Review: Hardball Cast- McCain, Darrell Hammond, Rachel Dratch, Tracy Morgan Thoughts- Okay- I'll admit- I liked Rachel Dratch in this skit. A lot. She was really funny. See CK haters- I will give praise when praise is deserved. Hardball was fantastic tonight- and I liked how they didn't need Begalia to make it work. McCain was great here spoofing Aschcroft the idiot and I liked how in this skit SNL made sure that we understood that the ACLU is also a bunch of morons. Darrell really steps it up in the Hardball skits and it really shows. Tracy was great here and Rachel's closing line really made the skit especially worth it of the very high rating it gets. ****3/4 8. McCain sings Babs 10/19/02 Cast: John McCain ****3/4 Synposis: John McCain sings a selection of Barbara Streisand songs. Why it’s great: Any skit that’s one big FU to Barbara Streisand is okay in my book. McCain gets a lot of great lines in here as he sings Streisand with, “And a special added bonus, just for Babs - a portion of all sales will be used to damage Alaskan wildlife preserves. So, order today!” Review: McCain sings Babs Cast- McCain Thoughts- I love John McCain. He is the man for doing this skit. He totally went out there and gave a big fuck you to every stupid celebrity who goes on tv and acts like the democratic candidates are their best friends when they're secretly going out there and fucking them in the ass by trying to censor entertainment like that spineless little twat Joe Lieberman. It's like: Hey Alec Baldwin- Bill O'Reilly offered you your big chance to go on tv and explain yourself but apparently you realised what a big dumbass you are and sent one of your stupid brothers instead. John McCain so rocked in this skit I suggested to the owner of fallonfey.com that they should start up a site called- www.johnmcainisotheman.com. I was gonna give this skit ***** but I really don't feel comfortable giving a skit 5 just because I agree with the editorial view of this skit but I must give props to whomever wrote this (me thinks Jim Downey) and once again have to add to my long list of reasons why John McCain so totally reeks of awesomeness. ****3/4 7. Saddam and Osama 5/10/02 Cartoon ****3/4 Synposis: Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden fight crime. Why it’s great: This is probably the most offensive thing Smigel’s ever done, and that’s probably the highest compliment I can pay him. Just about everything gets skewered here, not ethnic group is left out. I remember sitting in the audience watching this live, shaking my head in laughter and wondering what Smigel was going to do next. Review: TV Funhouse Thoughts- Oh. My. God. Robert Smigel was ON tonight- as this was one of the most hilarious and offensive things I have ever seen. It seemed like Smigel was playing a game of 'can I top this' and the results were spectacular and well worth watching. I just kept shaking my head every 5 seconds not believing what Smigel kept saying. I didn't care for the Dukes of Hazzard spoof but the rest of this cartoon was absolutely hilarious- especially the bit at the end crediting Sean Penn. One of, if not the best, Robert Smigel cartoon of all time. ****3/4 6. Celebrity Jeopardy 5/18/02 Cast: Ferrell, Hammond, Fallon, Edwards, Ryder, Trebek ***** Synposis: Another round of Celebrity Jeopardy sees new contestants Dave Matthews and Bjork, along with Sean Connery. The real Alex Trebek stops the proceedings before they get too out of hand. Why it’s great: It was (at the time) the final Celebrity Jeopardy and the skit goes out with a bang. Connery is great as always (I turned down Harry freaking Potter to do this) and there are the usual great lines that come with a Celebrity Jeopardy. The Alex Trebek cameo at the end is really cool and a great way to send one of SNL’s most popular recurring characters into the sunset. Review: Celebrity Jeopardy Cast- Alex Trebeck, Ryder, Ferrell, Hammond, Jimmy Fallon, Edwards Thoughts- My favourite recurring sketch takes a bow and says goodnght. I knew Trebeck was gonna be there cause I saw him on Friday (for all you people reading this at s-n-l.com trip report is at the bottom) It was still a major mark out moment and Winona Ryder was hilarious in dress as Bjork- it was great. Sean Connery was his usual Sean Connery like self and those of you who said Jeopardy was washed up well STFU. Absolutely fantastic way to pay tribute. ***** 5. Tim Calhoun Cast: Forte, Parnell, Firth Synposis: Tim Calhoun faces questioning on his past misdeeds. Why it’s great: Forte’s Calhoun had always been a favourite of mine on Update, and I was hoping to see it one day in skit form and it flew past my expectations as Forte was amazing here. Colin Firth is hilarious as Calhoun’s lawyer, having to be the straight man and work with this mess. Review: Tim Calhoun Cast- Firth, Forte, Parnell Thoughts- Oh yea! I love Tim Calhoun a lot and it's one of my favourite recurring commentaries on Weekend Update. Whomever decided to give him his own skit is a genius and deserves a gold star. Forte was ON here and all of his lines were pure gold. "This would be so much better if you didn't have the tape." Colin was also really funny here as the lawyer and the part where he was whispering into Calhoun and Calhoun was repeating it right after was hilarious. Parnell also played the straight man to perfection. Will Forte has been feeling it this year as he's produced great skit after great skit. Even when his stuff doesnt work I just like that he's not afraid to be different or weird- he just wants to be funny. So kudos to Forte on a great season so far and for having his best skit ever. Now if only he could ditch the Falconer. ***** 4. Anatominals Synposis: It’s Yogi Bear, but they like to show off their testicles. Why it’s great: I’m a huge Yogi Bear fan, he’s probably my favourite character next to Daffy Duck. So seeing my all time favourite cartoon get spoofed on SNL was a blast. And watching it be this dirty filthy version of Yogi Bear, well I was in hysterics the whole time. Making the whole thing about Lorne Michaels selling his soul to the devil is really clever. Review: Anatominals Thoughts- Smigel does it again and I love that his target was Yogi Bear. So many great moments here from Boo Boo taking a dump, Ranger Smith getting on Yogi for showing too much of his balls, and the bears nipples getting hard, I mean good lord, I was laughing my head off. Lorne selling his soul to the devil was really funny and I liked him being in the Peace Corps and having no idea what to do. Smigel’s best cartoon ever. It mocks Lorne and the show, spoofs something I love and has enough offensive humour to make me happy. ***** 3. Hardball 2/22/03 Cast: Parnell, Hammond, Sanz, Walken ***** Synopsis: Chris Matthews talks with Douglas Feith and Dominique de Villepen Why it’s great: It’s the skit that kicked off the Christopher Walken show in 2003, probably one of the most important shows of the past five years and this is the best Hardball ever and it also cemented Darrell’s comeback in the 2002-2003 season. And that’s saying something. Walken is hilarious as the French foreign minister. Review: Hardball Cast- Christopher Walken, Darrell Hammond, Chris Parnell Thoughts- Okay SNL- you're officially forgiven for the last two shows. I think this skit officially places Hardball in the upper echelon on SNL skits. I also like how they've been able to do Hardball without Paul Begalia and Al Sharpton- it shows skit diversity and makes me appreciate it that much more. This skit was absolutely perfect- I mean- it involved French mockery which is always a plus in my eyes. Walken was terrific here as I enjoyed his French accent, Parnell played his part very well and Darrell did what he does best. Sit back, make some smart ass remarks and let the skit go. I would again like to applaud Darrell Hammond for 'finding his smile' and once again becoming a terrific part of the show. Last year I thought he was a lost cause- what with his whining on Howard Stern and the Drew Barrymore show but I think his stint in rehab helped pull him together and I have nothing but good things to say about how he has elevated Hardball to perfection. This rating is for you Darrell. I still want you to leave the show but I'm glad unlike Ferrell did- you're making your last year count. Just don't fall back on the wagon. ***** 2. Tribute to Will Ferrell 5/18/02 Cast: Dratch, Fallon, Ferrell, Fey, Gasteyer, Hammond, Morgan, Parnell Rudolph, Sanz ***** Synposis: The cast pays tribute to Will Ferrell, exept for Tracy Morgan, who calls him a racist. Why it’s great: First of all, this is a very nice skit and it was great setting to hear how respected Will was to the people who he worked with. Tracy Morgan’s rant is amazing and I love the final exchange between the two. Review: Tribute to Will Cast- Everyone but the newbies Thoughts- A hilarious tribute to a hilarious man. One question- WHERE WAS DEAN'S TRIBUTE??????????? So long Will. Your last skit gets *****. Dean's gets ***1/2 1. Kangaroo Sodomny 12/8/01 Cast: Ferrell, Dratch, Meyers, Jackman ***** Synopsis: A kangaroo does Will Ferrell in the ass. Why it’s great: A kangaroo does Will Ferrell in the ass. Okay, I’ll expand. This is quite simply one of the funniest skits in SNL history. From Will Ferrell’s now you see it, now you don’t accent, to the hilarity of the kangaroo sodomising Ferrell for the first time, to Will throwing the fight just so they can get to the sex, this whole thing is a laugh riot every minute and I couldn’t believe SNL got this on the air. Hugh Jackman: And that's how the Christmas Kangaroo's reign of terror ended. Now, sure, on Christmas morning all the Australian boys and girls might not get toys, but it spared the horror of watching a giant marsupial taking their old man to browntown. And isn't that what Christmas is all about? Happy Holidays, everybody! Review: Kangaroo Xmas Cast-Jackman, Ferrell, Dratch, Meyers, Thoughts- Wooooooooo! This skit ruled all. I was laughing in my seat- remember I was there LIVE! Everything about this skit had me dying- especially the last fight at the end. Skit of the year- ***** The top 100 skits by cast, season and month: Armisen- 9 Avg. per season: 3 Dratch- 19 Avg. per season: 3.8 Fallon- 25 Avg. per season: 6.25 Fey- 5 Avg. per season: 1 Ferrell- 20 Avg. per season: 10 Forte- 20 Avg. per season: 6.67 Gasteyer- 8 Avg. per season: 4 Hammond- 31 Avg. per season: 6.2 Kattan- 17 Avg. per season: 5.66 Meyers-28 Avg. per season: 7 Morgan-14 Avg. per season: 4.66 Parnell- 29 Avg. per season: 5.8 Poehler- 26 Avg. per season: 5.2 Richards- 7 Avg. per season: 2.8 Rudolph- 22 Avg. per season: 4.4 Sanz- 29 Avg. per season: 5.8 Shannon- 3 Edwards- 8 Avg. per season: 4 Thompson- 10 Avg. per season: 5 Mitchell- 10 Avg. per season: 5 Riggle- 2 By season- 00-01- 14 01-02- 27 02-03- 19 03-04- 22 04-05- 17 By month- January-11 February-11 March- 11 April- 12 May- 21 October- 12 November-9 December- 14 Top 100 Musical Guest Performances- 100) Eminem ‘Real Slim Shady’ **1/2 99) David Gray ‘Babylon’ **1/2 98) Norah Jones ‘Come Away With Me’ **1/2 97) Dixie Chicks ‘Traveling Soldier’ **1/2 96) Usher and Ludacris ‘Yeah’ **1/2 95) Pink ‘Don’t Let Me Get Me’ **1/2 94) Norah Jones ‘Don’t Know Why’ **1/2 93) Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band ‘Lonesome Day’ **3/4 92) Queens of the Stone Age ‘In My Head’ **3/4 91) Dixie Chicks ‘Sin Wagon’ **3/4 90) Jimmy Eat Word ‘Middle’ **3/4 89) Phish ‘Chalkdust Torture’ *** 88) Wallflowers ‘Hand Me Down’ *** 87) Zwan ‘Settle Down’ *** 86) Keane ‘Everybody’s Changing’ *** 85) Coldplay ‘Fix You’ *** 84) Toots and the Maytals, Bootsy Collins & The Roots ‘Funky Kingston’ *** 83) Wallflowers ‘Sleepwalker’ *** 82) Modest Mouse ‘Lean On’ *** 81) Don Henley ‘The Heart of the Matter’ *** 80) Andrew WK ‘Party Hard’ *** 79) Ryan Adams ‘New York New York’ *** 78) Britney Spears ‘Me Against the Music’ *** 77) The Killers ‘Mr. Brightside’ *** 76) Phish ’46 Stars’ *** 75) The Donnas ‘Take it Off’ *** 74) Good Charlotte ‘Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous’ *** 73) Bon Jovi ‘It’s My Life’ *** 72) Aerosmith ‘Big Ten Inch Record’ *** 71) Pink ‘Get the Party Started’ *** 70) Shaggy ‘Angel’ *** 69) The Killers ‘Somebody Told Me’ *** 68) Alicia Keyes ‘Fallin’ *** 67) Creed ‘Bullets’ *** 66) The Strokes ‘Last Night’ *** 65) Maroon 5 ‘Harder to Breathe’ *** 64) Pink ‘God is a DJ’ *** 63) Beyonce w/ Jay-Z ‘Crazy in Love’ *** 62) No Doubt ‘Hella Good’ *** 61) Sum 41 ‘In Too Deep’ *** 60) Outkast ‘Hey Ya’ *** 59) Justin Timberlake ‘Rock Your Body’ *** 58) Queen Latifah ‘The Same Love that Made me Laugh’ ***1/4 57) Coldplay ‘Speed of Sound’ ***1/4 56) Keane ‘Somewhere Only We Know’ ***1/4 55) Jack Johnson ‘Sitting Waiting Wishing’ ***1/4 54) Aerosmith ‘Jaded’ ***1/4 53) Shaggy ‘It Wasn’t Me’ ***1/4 52) Beck ‘Guess I’m Doing Fine’ ***1/4 51) Foo Fighters ‘All My Life’ ***1/4 50) Coldplay ‘Yellow’ ***1/4 49) Black Eyed Peas ‘Where is the Love’ ***1/4 48) Jet ‘Are You Gonna Be My Girl’ ***1/4 47) No Doubt ‘Hey Baby’ ***1/4 46) White Stripes ‘Dead Leaves and Dirty Ground’ ***1/4 45) Moby ‘We Are All Made of Stars’ ***1/4 44) Mick Jagger ‘Visions of Paradise’ ***1/2 43) Jack Johnson ‘Mudfootball’ ***1/2 42) Black Eyed Peas ‘Hey Mama’ ***1/2 41) Beck ‘Lost Cause’ ***1/2 40) Jay-Z and Lenny Kravitz ‘Guns and Roses’ ***1/2 39) Lenny Kravitz ‘Again’ ***1/2 38) Creed ‘My Sacrifice’ ***1/2 37) Destiny’s Child ‘Emotion’ ***1/2 36) Queens of the Stone Age ‘Little Sister’ ***1/2 35) Maroon 5 ‘This Love’ ***1/2 34) Norah Jones ‘Sunrise’ ***1/2 33) Eminem ‘Mosh’ ***1/2 32) Justin Timberlake ‘Cry Me a River’ ***1/2 31) Sean Paul ‘Get Busy’ ***1/2 30) Beck ‘This Girl’ ***1/2 29) Weezer ‘Hash Pipe’ ***1/2 28) Green Day ‘Holiday’ ***1/2 27) Eminem feat Dido ‘Stan’ ***1/2 26) Sum 41 ‘Fat Lip’ ***1/2 25) Justin Timberlake ‘Senoirta ***1/2 24) Faith Hill ‘Cry’ ***3/4 23) Coldplay ‘Don’t Panic’ ***3/4 22) Nelly Furtado ‘I’m Like a Bird’ ***3/4 21) Weezer featuring Will Ferrell ‘Island in the Sun’ ***3/4 20) Kelly Clarkson ‘Breakaway’ ***3/4 19) Outkast ‘The Way You Move’ ***3/4 18) Green Day ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’ ***3/4 17) Mick Jagger ‘God Give Me Everything I Want’ ***3/4 16) Faith Hill ‘Free’ **** 15) Avril Lavigne ‘Complicated’ **** 14) Beck E-Pro **** 13) Avril Lavigne ‘My Happy Ending’ **** 12) White Stripes ‘We Are Going to be Friends’ **** 11) Foo Fighters ‘Times Like This’ **** 10) Moby ‘South Side’ ****1/4 9) Avril Lavigne ‘Don’t Tell Me’ ****1/4 8) U2 ‘Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own’ ****1/4 7) Avril Lavigne ‘I’m With You’ ****1/4 6) Paul Simon ‘Old’ ****1/2 5) U2 ‘Beautiful Day’ ****1/2 4) U2 ‘Vertigo’ ****1/2 3) Paul Simon ‘Hurricane Eye’ ****1/2 2) U2 ‘Elevation’ ****3/4 1) U2 ‘I Will Follow’ ***** Top 50 Monologues- The monologue is the host’s best chance to make a good impression. Via singing, dancing, doing stand-up, or being interrupted by a castmember or an audience member wanting to ask a question- there’s many ways to make a monologue entertaining. Here’s the best of the best: 50) Johnny Knoxville *** 49) Cameron Diaz April 02 *** 48) Andy Roddick *** 47) Mena Suvari *** 46) Seann William Scott *** 45) Alec Baldwin April 02 *** 44) Nia Vardalos *** 43) Kelly Ripa *** 42) Val Kilmer *** 41) Elijah Wood *** 40) Lucy Liu *** 39) Rob Lowe *** 38) Charlize Theron *** 37) Hugh Jackman *** 36) Billy Bob Thorton *** 35) Jason Bateman ***1/4 34) Queen Latifah March 03 ***1/4 33) David Spade ***1/4 32) Liam Neeson ***1/4 31) Renee Zelwegger ***1/4 30) Pierce Brosnan ***1/4 29) Jennifer Aniston ***1/4 28) Matt Damon ***1/4 27) Topher Grace ***1/2 26) Josh Hartnett ***1/2 25) Colin Farrell ***1/2 24) Katie Holmes ***1/2 23) Lara Flynn Boyle ***1/2 22) Lindsay Lohan May 04 ***1/2 21) Jack Black Sept 03 ***1/2 20) Charlie Sheen ***1/2 19) Jonny Moseley ***1/2 18) Ben Affleck Sept 04 ***1/2 17) Will Ferrell ***3/4 16) Bernie Mac ***3/4 15) Alec Baldwin April 01 ***3/4 14) Ben Affleck Mar 04 ***3/4 13) Ray Romano **** 12) Ian McKellen **** 11) Julia Stiles **** And now the top 10 monologues of the past 5 years- 10) Brittany Murphy Why it’s in the top 10: Hot off of 8 Mile, this is a really great freestyling battle between SNL castmembers. Amy’s rap is particulary awesome. Monologue Cast- Brittany Murphy, Tracy Morgan, Chris Parnell, Jimmy Fallon, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Chris Kattan, Will Forte, Dean Edwards Thoughts- I was informed that this monologue was a parody of 8 Mile, the movie out there featuring Eminem. Amy cutting up the beats and kicking it old school was delish and had me busting a move old school breakdance spinaroonie style, can you dig? This skit was f to the u to the n to the n to the y despite the fact yo that it once again wasn't a monologue that kept it real and seemed like it was selling out and abandoning the street roots- whasupwit dat yo. On the Sunny D side of things, Dean Edwards my brother of colour was spinning the beats Jam master Jay RIP style and I was feeling that homes. Like I said this was bling blingin' and ching chingin' and I was all up in its area, word to your mother- peace out- I'M OUTTA HERE! **** 9) Dana Carvey Why it’s in the top 10: There’s nothing I love more then the host just doing standup for the monologue and Carvey doing all his impressions is very funny. Monolouge- Cast: Dana Carvey Review: Dana Carvey rules. He did a good Gore impersonation and he rocked the house. I was flipping a little back and forth between baseball but this was great. **** 8) Ellen DeGeneres **** Why it’s in the top 10: Like #9, this is Ellen doing one long standup bit. It’s a hilarious bit on how she’s not really gay, and the story of how she announced she was gay. Great stuff. Monologue Cast-Ellen DeGeneres Thoughts- I'm a mark for when the host just goes up there and tells jokes. We all know which cast member wouldn't be homophobic- CK natch. Ellen was very funny and I loved the Anne diss. **** 7) Snoop Dogg **** Why it’s in the top 10: Snoop not only has an entrance that’s off the heezy fo sheezy, he then proceeds to mock white people everywhere, like me, who say fo shizzle my nizzle. Monologue Cast- Snoop Dogg, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch Thoughts- That was such a bad ass BMF like entrance that you know only Snoop Dogg could truly pull that off and look good doing it. Tina also looked pretty hot which is always a bonus. I like how the week after someone heckled the show, they had Snoop Dogg have the audience yell stuff out. Snoop's discussion with the audience on fo shizzle my nizzle was so funny and yet so true at the same time. And I can't forget that entrance. **** 6) Ashton Kutcher ****1/4 Why it’s in the top 10: It’s Ashton Kutcher. In his underwear. Come on! Plus Chris Parnell is hilarious in this. Monologue Cast- Ashton Kutcher, Maya Rudolph, Parnell Thoughts- Well that's something I didn't need to see. In dress Ashton's inner monologue covered up whatever he was saying. I think he was mumbling gibberish or something because I couldn't pick anything out. This was very funny and even included a Kattan gay joke. Parnell was very funny here, Maya did her best not to bring it down and Ashton was great. I mean he has one great co- I mean sense of humour. He has a great sense of humour. ****1/4 5) Jack Black Jan 02 ****1/4 Why it’s in the top 10: It’s Jack Black singing this crazy song about hosting Saturday Night Live and I’m a Tenascious D mark so of course this is #5. Monologue Cast- Jack Black Thoughts- Well Jack Black redeemed himself for our homoerotic encounter that happened Friday and I sort of new Tenacious D would be on the show. This song was really funny and despite the minor goof that happened during dress- I dug it. ****1/4 4) Winona Ryder ****1/4 Why it’s on the top 10: Jimmy urinates in coffee, Seth analyses cast members leaving and Tina shaves her face. Okay, so it’s not a true monologue, but it’s still pretty god damn funny. Monologue Cast- Winona Ryder, Tracy Morgan, Tina Fey, Ana Gasteyer, Darrell Hammond, Seth Meyers, Jeff Richards, Dean Edwards, Lorne Thoughts- If there were more its because I didn't take them down. Everyone was all: God damn Winona son of a bitch. Every skit is just gonna be about her shoplifting. Damn this show. I thought the monologue was wickedly funny, especially Tina shaving and the Darrell and Ana squabble. And of course the presence of DEAN!~. Second best monologue this year behind Jon Stewart. ****1/4 3) Conan O’Brien ****1/4 Why it’s in the top 10: Conan takesa tour of NBC with Tracy Morgan and Japanese tourists and ends up seeing Max Weinberg having sex at his desk. It’s got self-deprecating humour from Tracy, Conan being Conan and Max Weinberg having sex. Monologue Cast- Max Weinberg, Conan O’Brien, Tracy Morgan Thoughts- Where to begin here? The montage of Conan standing in the background doing nothing was hilarious and I loved Tracy’s comment about never having seen a televsion studio before. The Japenese tourists weren’t that great but they didn’t bring it actively down or anything. I loved the bit with the parademics too. The end result of them catching Max Weinberg having sex on his desk was a great way to end this monologue. Great stuff here, Conan’s the man. ****1/4 2) Sean Hayes ****3/4 Why it’s on the top 10: It’s Sean Hayes playing the disco version of Beethoven’s 5th on the piano while dancing like an idiot. It writes itself. Monologue Cast-Sean Hayes Thoughts-We were thisclose to *****. The phone thing went a little long but other then that this skit was pure gold. Sean Hayes is an excellent performer and should tell Katie Holmes and her tap dancing shoes to kiss his ass. Now you’re probably saying: Wait a minute. Last week Katie showed off a talent and you gave it **1/2. Now this was funnier then tap dancing because- There was actual comedy involved. It wasn’t just I can out-tap Will. Someone fix my strap. Look my boobies. This was- I’m playing Beethoven, but it’s a disco version. Now that’s funny. ****3/4 1) Jon Stewart ****3/4 Why it’s on the top 10: This is basically Jon Stewart doing stand-up and it’s hilarious as he riffs on a variety of subjects. As I’ve said, these are the best kind of monologues. I never knew Stewart’s standup was so good, but he just has a great delivery of all his jokes. No monologue, not even Sean Hayes doing disco, can top this. Monologue Cast-Jon Stewart Thoughts- Ellen did this in December. I love these kinds of monologues. I wish they would just do this. Gays in the military sounded a little too Chris Rock-ish but other than that this was a fantastic monologue with a very funny guy. ****3/4 The Top 50 Cold Openings The cold opening is the show’s chance to make a good impression, so they usually go with SNL’s strength, political material so the cold opening is usually very funny. You will see this list dominated by two men who were excellent at high profile impressions, Will Ferrell and Darrell Hammond. This doesn’t count the Reese Witherspoon cold opening since that really wasn’t a comedic cold opening- and I want this to be a celebration of humour- not gooey sentimentality. 50) Donald Rumsfeld takes questions from the troops 12/11/04 ***1/2 49) Hardball 5/15/04 ***1/2 48) Fidel Castro meets with Jimmy Carter 5/18/02 ***1/2 47) Hardball 12/13/03 ***1/2 46) Presidential Debate 10/9/04 ***1/2 45) Howard Dean calls chairman for support 1/17/04 ***1/2 44) Martha Stewart preps for St. Patrick’s Day 3/17/01 ***1/2 43) Bush chokes on pretzel 1/19/02 ***1/2 42) Jeff Zucker talks about equal time progamming for other candidates 12/6/03 ***1/2 41) Gore and Bush meet for lunch 12/16/00 ***1/2 40) American Idol 5/10/03 ***1/2 39) Aschroft and Bush address the nation 12/1/01 ***1/2 38) Bush address the nation on Islamic myths about America 11/10/01 ***1/2 37) Kerry doesn’t want Gore’s support 2/14/04 ***1/2 36) Presidential Odd Couple 11/11/00 ***1/2 35) News anchors are excited about the Blake murder 4/20/02 ***3/4 34) Kerry calls Bush 11/13/04 ***3/4 33) Dick Cheney briefs Condaleeza Rice on 9/11 hearings 4/10/04 ***3/4 32) Bush announces he’s worry free 3/10/01 ***3/4 31) Hardball 3/19/05 ***3/4 30) Dick Cheney discusses recent heart attack 1/13/01 ***3/4 29) The Clinton Gang 2/24/01 ***3/4 28) Nightline with Martha Stewart 3/6/04 ***3/4 27) Hardball 5/17/03 ***3/4 26) Bush takes questions from magazines 3/15/03 **** 25) Bush meets with Cabinet 5/11/02 **** 24) Osama Bin Laden talks about the US Election 10/30/04 **** 23) Bush talks about striking Iraq 2/17/01 **** 22) Al Gore phones George W. Bush 12/8/01 **** 21) Bush takes questions with Clinton and H.W. Bush 1/15/05 **** 20) Gore interrupts Bush’s speech 11/18/00 **** 19) Rumsfeld and Bush spoof the Friends finale 5/8/04 **** 18) The Apprentice with George W. Bush 11/20/04 **** 17) Bush speech about Axis of Evil 3/2/02 **** 16) Bush twins talk after the Inauguration 1/22/05 **** 15) Hardball 5/21/05 **** 14) Tom Ridge address the nation on possible terrorists 12/7/02 ****1/4 13) Presidential Debate 10/7/00 ****1/4 12) Dick Cheney talks about Letterman replacing Koppel 3/9/02 ****1/4 11) John Aschroft gives sketchy terrorism warnings 11/3/01 ****1/4 And now the top 10 cold openings over the past 5 years- 10) Clinton’s farewell speech 1/20/01 ****1/4 Why it’s in the top 10: I think it’s well known how much I love Darrell’s Clinton and this is address to the nation the night Bush took office. We get some great Clinton gems like talking about how the media will no longer jump on him and some funny Clinton admissions. Telling everyone to suck on it, that’s my Clinton Darrell! Cold Opening Cast- Darrell Hammond, Will Ferrell Thoughts- Well I’m going to miss getting to see Darrell’s Clinton regularly since it’s such a hilarious impression. The story he told about the cocaine orgy with George W. was great, as was telling all the Clinton haters to suck on it. Seeing Ferrell’s W and Hammond’s Clinton play off each other was a real treat. Ferrell’s line about people laughing when he said he was the president was good stuff. And of course, I love seeing Big Mouth Billy Bass used in comedy skits. Great stuff with two of the best political impressions. ****1/4 9) Boston Teens 3/13/04 ****1/4 Why it’s in the top 10: The final Bahston teens, and a great blowoff to Sully and Denise’s long-running friendship to Tommy Bartilotti. Cold Opening Cast- Ben Affleck, Jimmy Fallon, Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler, Chris Parnell, Seth Meyers, Horatio Sanz Thoughts- I always like seeing the Bahston Teens even though they haven’t been as funny as they once were. I’d been waiting for them to say something about the Alex Rodriguez trade and I was glad we finally got to see them and I was even happier when this skit was hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing the minute they panned to Seth and then seeing the reaction on Sully and Denise’s face was too much and I couldn’t stop laughing. I was even in more shock when Seth and Affleck kissed. That’s quite the odd way to get over J-Lo. This was just hilarious and I loved the enthusiastic LFNYISN. ****1/4 8) George W. Bush responds to 9/11 attacks. 10/6/01 ****1/4 Why it’s in the top 10: I wrote all about this in my top 20 moments bit, but watching Will Ferrel play Bush as a strong and determined leader post 9/11, while still making it hilarious is a thing of beauty. W.'s back Cast- Will Ferrell Thoughts- Had SNL been run by Vince McMahon, W.'s return would be delayed until the crowd could no longer bear not seeing him and when he returned the crowd would pop huge. But he doesn't. A very powerful skit and I'm a mark for Ferrell's W. ****1/4 7) Ferrell returns to SNL 5/15/05 ****1/2 Why it’s in the top 10: Finesse not Kenan. Finesse not Kenan. Finesse not Kenan. Cold Opening Cast- Lorne Michaels, Will Ferrell, Tina Fey, Poehler, Chris Parnell, Finesse Mitchell, Kenan Thompson Thoughts- Welcome back Will! Well welcome back in an official hosting stint, since we’ll try to forget your awful cameo in Jack Black and the Luvahs from Walken. This was a tremendous way to begin the show with our old friend, Will the asshole. The bit with Parnell was really funny and the bit with Finesse and Kenan (Finesse not Kenan) was one of the highlights of the show for me. And Lorne Michaels getting mocked is always a plus. An excellent way to kick off Ferrell’s return to SNL. ****1/2 6) Hardball 10/23/04 ****1/2 Why it’s in the top 10: Yep, more Hardball. Tons of euphemisms for the vagina is capped off with Will Forte debuting his memorable Zell Miller impression. Cold Opening Cast- Darrell Hammond, Seth Meyers, Will Forte, Amy Poehler Thoughts- It’s great seeing Hardball back. I think Darrell is old and washed up and should’ve left years ago but man- they always can pull off a great Hardball. Seth was ON as Ed Gillepsie and I loved Amy as Kerry’s campaign manager and SNL as usual was hilarious when they decided to play beat the censor with the Mary Cheney gay innuendoes. I especially loved ‘carpet cleaner.’ Darrell botched his lines but instead of laughing like an idiot he made a nice save. Good on ya’ Darrell. Will’s Zell Miller kicked ass! I thought it was pretty dead on and very very funny. Especially when he brought out the pistols and challenged Matthews to a duel. Hardball is the perfect way to get a show starting off on the good foot and this was no exception. Great stuff here. ****1/2 5) Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider sing the Chanukah Song 11/16/02 ****1/2 Why it’s in the top 10: It’s Sandler’s first appearance back on SNL since he left and the Chanukah song is always a classic. Cold Opening Cast- Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider Thoughts- I heard Adam Sandler has been advertising 8 Crazy Nights as featuring the Chanukah song- whoops- gave it away. This of course was not as good as the first Chanukah song but was still absolutely hilarious. As someone who is Jewish, it is good to know there are others out there. I could've easily done without Rob Schneider here has he added nothing. I thought he was going to come in and say: YOU CAN DO EET! but alas. ****1/2 4) George W. Bush reveals deal he made with China 4/7/01 ****1/2 Why it’s in the top 10: Probably my favourite Bush skit of all time as it’s just Bush reading off the list of things he and China agreed to regarding the spyplane incident. All of them are hilarious and this is Ferrell’s Bush at its absolute peak. Cold Opening Cast- Will Ferrell Thoughts- Ferrell’s Bush does it again. This was just great. From Bush reading off the list of demands like he pulled one over on the Chinese and the whole bit about the Chinese staying at the Crawford ranch, this was just tremendous. The part about the Chinese making the first week of Texas Ed ‘Too Tall’ Jones week, MAKES this skit. And the don’t mess with Texas stuff REALLY makes this skit. Just great stuff up and down, too much funny to mention. ****1/2 3) Hardball 10/11/03 ****1/2 Why it’s in the top 10: It’s another classic Hardball here. I mean- Ann Coulter getting ripped to shreds, Karl Rove in a detective hat and Gary Coleman? A perfect way to kick off the show! Hardball Cast- Darrell Hammond, Jeff Richards, Amy Poehler, Kenan Thompson Thoughts- SNL went back to something Darrell is good at, as Hardball is a tried and true success. I love how they mix up Hardball instead of the same old correspondents. It's good to see that Hardball can live on without Paul Begalia and Al Sharpton. Jeff is really good at impressions and this was no exception even though I had no idea who he was portraying. Good to see SNL finally rip on Ann Coulter- and Amy was the perfect person for the impression. Yes- even though I bleed the donkey (or is that the elephant) I do indeed hate Ann Coulter. Kenan's Gary Coleman wasn't as good as is Bill Cosby but I do approve of them giving the new guys exposure. He just needs to stop almost cracking up everytime he is given TV time or else I will forgot he starred in Good Burger and begin to hate him incessantly. All in all this was the usual excellent Hardball. It was headed towards the 5* but it sadly just died off towards the end. The ending doesn't take away from an awesome skit though. ****1/2 2) Memorial Service for Buddy the Dog 1/12/02 ****3/4 Why it’s in the top 10: It’s Darrell’s finest moment as Bill Clinton, as he gets to be Clinton the sleazy politician, while giving a eulogy to his dog. A criminally underrated skit. Memorial Service for Buddy Cast-Tracy Morgan, Darrell Hammond Thoughts- Take out Tracy and you have a ***** skit. It was great to see Clinton back and Darrell was absolutely fantastic. He looked really motivated here which is like a David Spade movie being funny- SHOCKING! Darrell doing an impression? CONSPIRACY. Still Darrell was fantastic in this skit, as he played his Clinton to perfection here. ****3/4 1) Hardball 2/22/03 ***** Why it’s on the top 10: This skit kicked off one of the best episodes of the past 5 years, an episode that saved a season that was on the verge of falling by the wayside. All thanks to some Hardball: Hardball Cast- Christopher Walken, Darrell Hammond, Chris Parnell Thoughts- Okay SNL- you're officially forgiven for the last two shows. I think this skit officially places Hardball in the upper echelon on SNL skits. I also like how they've been able to do Hardball without Paul Begalia and Al Sharpton- it shows skit diversity and makes me appreciate it that much more. This skit was absolutely perfect- I mean- it involved French mockery which is always a plus in my eyes. Walken was terrific here as I enjoyed his French accent, Parnell played his part very well and Darrell did what he does best. Sit back, make some smart ass remarks and let the skit go. I would again like to applaud Darrell Hammond for 'finding his smile' and once again becoming a terrific part of the show. Last year I thought he was a lost cause- what with his whining on Howard Stern and the Drew Barrymore show but I think his stint in rehab helped pull him together and I have nothing but good things to say about how he has elevated Hardball to perfection. This rating is for you Darrell. ***** The Top 50 Last Skits- The last skit usually sucks. But sometimes you get these hidden gems that weren’t supposed to be anything special, but end up being really funny and catching you off guard. Usually the last skit is groan worthy, but it’s always worth staying up for. You never know what unexpected greatness you might see. 50) Down and Out Dollar 1/15/05 ** 49) Chicken of the Sea 1/17/04 ** 48) The Prince Show 2/14/04 **1/4 47) Joe Dirt 3/12/05 **1/4 46) Classical Music Classics 4/14/01 **1/4 45) Porn Star 10/6/01 **1/4 44) Community Access 11/9/02 **1/4 43) Merv the Perv 10/12/02 **1/4 42) Big Fat Thick Novel 11/10/01 **1/2 41) Todd Foxworthy 5/7/05 **1/2 40) Don Banks 4/5/03 **1/2 39) Radioactive Bear 12/7/02 **3/4 38) Public Speaking 2/12/04 **3/4 37) Adult Film Awards 5/1/04 **3/4 36) Leon Warwick 2/7/04 **3/4 35) My Big Thick Novel 3/2/02 *** 34) My Big Thick Novel 3/9/02 *** 33) Rock Around the Clock 11/18/00 *** 32) Jag-u-ar 5/15/05 *** 31) Christmas Song 12/18/04 *** 30) CBS Sports 11/11/00 *** 29) The Cat 1/22/04 *** 28) Football Quarterbacks meet Tom Brady 4/16/05 *** 27) Vote Sober 20000 10/14/00 *** 26) Merv the Perv 12/11/04 *** 25) Full Moon Killer 3/13/04 *** 24) Classic Vaudeville 1/13/01 *** 23) Zing v. Snap 10/9/04 *** 22) Lil’ Sleuths 11/3/01 *** 21) Jesus Hill 3/6/04 *** 20) Sam Elliot 5/17/03 ***1/4 19) USO Tour 2/10/01 ***1/4 18) Bear City 5/15/05 ***1/4 17) Dr. Phil 10/5/02 ***1/4 16) Crazy Speed Reader 10/18/03 ***1/4 15) Adopt a Pet 11/1/03 ***1/2 14) I Need a Drug Sniffing Dog 11/13/04 ***1/2 13) Sports Century 3/10/01 ***1/2 12) Dream Team V Video 10/7/00 ***1/2 11) Seasons Greetings from SNL 12/14/02 ***1/2 Top 10 last skits of the past 5 years- 10) Seasons Greetings from SNL 5/19/01 ***1/2 Why it’s in the top 10: This is how they wrapped up the 2000-2001 season with Horatio Sanz doing the Memorial Day Song, but soon turning it into the Christmas Song…again. Seasons Greetings from SNL Cast- Sanz, Fallon, Morgan, Kattan Thoughts- A fun way to end the season and I did enjoy the Memorial Day->Christmas swerve by Horatio. Of course the Christmas Song will always get ***1/2 because it is entertaining crap. 9) Seasons Greetings from SNL 12/15/01 ***1/2 Why it’s in the top 10: I called this being the Christmas Song even when Dick Cheney was looking at the snowglobe. I’m not that good. Season's Greetings from SNL- Cast-Sanz, Hammond, Gasteyer Fallon, Morgan, Kattan Comments-1/2 off. Two words: Entertaining crap. ***1/2 8) Top O’ The Morning to Ya’ 10/19/02 ***1/2 Why it’s in the top 10: It’s the first ever Top O’ The Morning to Ya’, a skit that either grew into an unfunny rip-off of the Scottish skits Mike Myers used to do, or a pretty funny Jimmy/Seth recurring character. Irish Bar Cast- McCain, Fallon, Meyers, Richards Thoughts- Whoa- I thought this year they weren't allowed to be funny because Will Ferrell when he left took all the humour away- but this show is so good and is reeking of so much awesomeness that even the last skit is funny. McCain again was really funny in this skit and Seth was his usual cool self. I could see this becoming a recurring character. ***1/2 7) Seasons Greetings 12/16/00 ***1/2 Why it’s in the top 10: It’s the second ever Christmas Song, a recurring skit that would develop a large cult following. Seasons Greetings Cast- Sanz, Fallon, Morgan, Kattan Thoughts- I give the Christmas song the same rating every single time and of course this is no different. ***1/2 6) Frida v. Chicago 3/15/03 ***3/4 Why it’s in the top 10: This was the last in a series of ads featuring Salma Hayek running down Chicago. All of them were very funny, this just had the benefit of going on last, and mentioning Renee Zelwegger. Frida v. Chicago Cast- Hayek Thoughts- Thanks chica- now I'll never be able to look at my girl Renee again. Oh and Renee- EAT SOMETHING. I don't see why you can't figure out that you looked HOT HOT HOT in Bridget Jones when you were nice and plump and had this great figure on you. Then for some reason you didn't agree with me and slimmed down. WHY? Sure you look hot still but skinny Renee is just not happening. I mean you were once the woman who hosted the SNL with the cut Arquette joke. Now you're a shell of your former self and I mean that literally. If I ever see Renee Zelwegger I plan on kidnapping her and force feeding her hamburgers. In trying times like these- America can not afford to have Renee Zelwegger be skinny. Oh and once again this was very funny. ***3/4 5) Talking about Ginas **** Why it’s in the top 10: Will Ferrell plays Chyna and the word vagina is uttered 16 times. Talking about ‘Ginas Cast-Gasteyer, Kattan, Shannon, Ferill, Rudolph, Rachel Dratch Thoughts- Molly’s last skit so give it ½*. Kattans in it so take away ½*. This was once again awesome. I laughed hysterically when I saw Will as Chyna. You know what: I’d give this ***1/2 but I love this show so let’s say Will’s Chyna added ½*. **** 4) Farewell Jimmy 5/15/04 **** Why it’s in the top 10: Jimmy’s hand brushes up against Tina’s breasts and my heart stops as they almost kiss. All this in a spoof of Grease. Farewell Jimmy Cast- Everyone Thoughts- What a way for Jimmy to go out: Having to hear Tina sing. They cut Finesse making out with Rachel and Amy turning down the same offer from Will. Even though I liked the Will Ferrell tribute more this was very sad in its own way (I mean Tina sang) but I was loving it. From Amy talking about the Thursday night orgies to Horatio and Fred singing to Darrell just standing there in the background looking bored out of his mind- there were so many funny moments. Tina and Jimmy singing together at the end was sooo sad and I wanted them to finally kiss and just blow off that Tony and Angela like sexual tension they had for four seasons. Had they kissed- I would've given this ***** and not thought twice about it. This was still a great way to end the season and Jimmy's SNL career. In dress the crowd was INSANE for this and everyone was going crazy. At 12:50 I was actually thinking that they got cut and getting ready to prepare lots of expletives for my review but thankfully they told J-Kwon to go get tipsy and gave Jimmy the farewell he deserved. **** 3) Name that Stag Film 5/10/03 ****1/4 Why it’s in the top 10: It’s got double entendres galore, which is always a good thing. And they can’t find a title for a movie called the Pianist. Get it? It sounds lame, but it’s really really funny. Name that Stag Film Cast- Brody, Poehler, Parnell, Will Forte Thoughts- Tracy and Rachel were cut out of the skit as old porn stars. Amy's little cameo at the beginning was hilarious and completely unexpected. I figured out the joke of the skit about one movie in but that didn't change the fact that I loved the skit. It aired a lot earlier in dress rehearsal- I'm puzzled that it got bumped all the way down- maybe an issue with the censors or something. I found the fact that they made a gay porn version of Holes to be unspeakably hilarious. This was a terrific way to end the show. ****1/4 2) Will Ferrell Farewell 5/18/02 ***** Why it’s in the top 10: It’s a sweet heartfelt tribute to a great castmember, that also outs him as a huge racist. Tribute to Will Cast- Everyone but the newbies Thoughts- A hilarious tribute to a hilarious man. One question- WHERE WAS DEAN'S TRIBUTE??????????? So long Will. Your last skit gets *****. 1) Kangaroo Sodomy 12/8/01 ***** Why it’s in the top 10: A kangaroo does Will Ferrell in the ass. Kangaroo Xmas Cast-Jackman, Ferrell, Dratch, Meyers, Thoughts- Wooooooooo! This skit ruled all. I was laughing in my seat- remember I was there LIVE! Everything about this skit had me dying- especially the last fight at the end. Skit of the year- ***** And now the worst of SNL over the past 5 years- Bottom 25 musical guests- 25. Radiohead ‘Idioteque’ * 24. India.Arie “Ready for Love” * 23. Nelly w/ Kelly Rowland “Dilemma” * 22. Ashlee Simpson “Pieces of Me” * 21. G-Unit “Wanna Get To Know You” * 20. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band “You’re Missing” ¾* 19. Macy Gray “Sweet Baby” ¾* 18. J-Kwon “Everybody in the Club Get Tipsy” ¾* 17. Clay Aiken “Invisible” ¾* 16. Christina Aguilera “Beautiful” ½* 15. Missy Elliot “Work It” ½* 14. Ricky Martin “Loaded” ½* 13. Kelis “Milkshake” ½* 12. Jay-Z “Is That Yo Bitch” ½* 11. 50 Cent “Candy Store” ½* 10. Ja Rule “Always on Time” ½* 9. G-Unit “Stunt 101” ½* 8. Clay Aiken “The Way” ¼* 7. Ja Rule “Giving it Up” ¼* 6. Kylie Minogue “In Your Eyes” DUD 5. 50 Cent “In Da Club” DUD 4. Macy Gray “Sexual Revolution” DUD 3. Jay-Z “I Just Wanna Love You” DUD 2. 50 Cent with G-Unit and Nate Dogg “21 Questions” DUD 1. Bubba Sparxxx “Ugly/Lovely” DUD Bottom 20 monologues- 20) Halle Berry ** 19) The Rock *1/2 18) Janet Jackson *1/2 17) Jennifer Lopez *1/2 16) Luke Wilson *1/2 15) Justin Timberlake *1/2 14) Queen Latifah *1/2 13) Sarah Michelle Gellar *1/2 12) Drew Barrymore *1/2 11) Kirsten Dunst *1/2 10) Eric McCormack * 9) Megan Mullally * 8) Salma Hayek * 7) Ray Liotta * 6) Paul Giamatti ¾* 5) Derek Jeter ¾* 4) Kate Winslet ½* 3) John Goodman ½* 2) Robert DeNiro DUD 1) Tom Brady DUD Bottom 20 cold openings- 20. The Culps 4/14/01 **3/4 19. Saddam wins landslide Iraq election 10/19/02 **3/4 18. Saddam insists he’s broadcasting live 4/12/03 **3/4 17. Tom Ridge 3/16/02 **3/4 16. Ahnuld campaigns for governor 10/4/03 **3/4 15. Barbara Walters teases Martha Stewart 11/8/03 **1/2 14. NBC Special Report 2/12/05 **1/4 13. Bush warns Saddam 10/12/02 **1/4 12. Michael Jackson at Neverland Ranch 2/19/05 **1/4 11. Bob Dole and Bill Clinton have a point/counterpoint 3/8/03 **1/4 10. Pentagon Press Briefings 12/18/04 **1/4 9. Debate #3 10/21/00 ** 8. Osama Bin Laden speaks 12/15/01 ** 7. Kim Jong Il warns US to leave him alone 1/11/03 ** 6. Donald Rumsfeld sings These Boots Are Made for Walking 1/18/03 *1/2 5. Bush has lost interest in Iraq 2/15/03 *1/2 4. The Gores make out 12/14/02 *1/2 3. The UN screws around with Powell 2/8/03 * 2. Bush unveils new Iraqi constitution 11/15/01 * 1. Bush addresses the nation 11/1/01 * I’d do the worst last skits, but do you really want to see Big Thick Novel listed 900 times? I think not.

PART 3: Best of Mailbag, SNL The Past 5 Years: A Cliff Notes Version of every SNL from Sept 00-May 04- The Best of the Mailbag!!!! Chase Sambori, a long time fan of mine and SNL discusser chimed in to email me about Update, since I was very vocal about it. Chase Sambori writes- Hi Bob, My name is Chase Sambori and we used to talk a lot, I had AOL and my screen name was JRUSTY. Anyways, I love reading your reviews and I had a question- In your opinion, do you think Tina should do skits as well as update, or stick to update. Also, is there any other cast member you'd rather have at update instead of Amy and Seth(I know Seth was #1 on your list, as he was #1 on mine) Keep up the great reviews, Bob Chase Sambori Right before the election, I got a weird email from Christians for Kerry. The irony being I’m a Jew who voted for Bush. Dear Folks: Just days to the election...announcing a relatively new website: Christians for Kerry/Christians against Bush http://mnl_1221.tripod.com/kerrybush.html Purpose: --To dispel the myth that Republican equals Christian and Christian equals Republican. --To encourage Christians to vote their conscience and not follow the accepted party line. --To show left-leaners that Jesus is not necessarily against them or their causes. --To encourage right-leaning Christians to accept left-leaning Christians as brothers and sisters--and vice-versa. --Oh--and to get George W. Bush out of office! If you've been in contact with me in the recent past, you may know about this website already. In any case, I invite you to check out this website and its links, and to sign my guestbook! E-mail is welcome, too. Christians for Kerry/Christians against Bush http://mnl_1221.tripod.com/kerrybush.html Thank you, and God bless you. Jesus loves you-- yes, YOU! Peace, Melanie N. Lee [email protected] I hope Jesus still loves me though. A Red Sox fan who likes Seth and doesn’t like Tina/Amy will always make my Best of Mailbag. This is no exception. Sam writes- Bob, I completely agree with you about Amy and Tina being on Update together. I just don't see how it's going to work they are to much like each other, you were right, they really should've replaced Jimmy with Seth. Also, I to was awaiting a Seth commentary and when there wasn't one in the Jude Law episode I got very angry. When the Red Sox won their first World Series in 86 years I was super happy for two reasons:1.)I'm a Red Sox fan and 2.)There would have to be a Seth commentary. When Seth came up in the little insert I was a little sad it wasn't going to be at the desk, but then Seth went to hang out with Johnny Damon(or Jesus as you like to call him.)I actually stopped breathing for a tiny bit out of my shock and extreme happiness. The only thing that disappointed me about it was that everyone else got more time for their commentary than Seth, and he had Johnny Damon!! I probably am only this angry because Johnny Damon is one of my favorite baseball players, but also because Seth does some awesome commentaries and he never gets to do them anymore. I know that he's probably going to be in a lot of sketches but I just wanted a Red Sox commentary in which Seth could finally talk about the Sox winning it all, but I didn't get that. It would've been some great if Seth made fun of the Yankees being up 3-0 and still losing to the Red Sox especially while Curt Schilling was bleeding through his sock, I mean that has to be something the Yankees are angry at themselves for, they couldn't even do well against a guy that was bleeding through his sock!! Oh and sorry about the Braves not beating the Astros a few weeks ago, I was cheering for them during that game. -Samantha Ballert Weird emails are the best way to get in the mailbag. This one is of course no exception: [email protected] writes- Is Bob Barron the son of Robert and Ruth Harte Barron? Just curious as I'm working on genealogy. Discard this, if not and thanks! Ken Hayashi became a frequent mailbag contributor. This was his first email: Hi Bob, This is Ken Hayashi from the SNLMB again. I have just three politically oriented questions for you. First, I'd like to get your thoughts on Jon Stewart's little outburst against Tucker Carlson on Crossfire before the election. I know it's after the fact, but I watched Jon Stewart on Larry King this past week. How do you think Jon Stewart would fare if he were a guest on The O'Reilly Factor or Hannity & Colmes? Second, has anyone on FOX News spoken out yet on Eminem's controversial "Mosh" song? Third, do you think SNL should at least try to parody MSNBC's "Scarborough Country"? If so, which cast member would do a good job skewering Joe Scarborough? The Hardball skits will get tired sooner or later. Keep up the good work, Bob. Thanks again, Ken Ken emailed me again in February. While his email did hate on Batista, he did have some good picks for Wrestlemania. Hey Bob- It's Ken from Voy again. I've been surfing around a bunch of wrestling websites, and I've found various rumors concerning Wrestlemania 21 this April. I was wondering if you could give your thoughts on what is being planned for 'Mania this year. From what I've discovered on the Internet and seen on RAW (I don't get SD!), the WWE has the following matches in the works: HHH v Batista- World Title JBL v Cena- WWE Title HBK v Angle- Interpromotional Taker/Kane v Heidenreich/Snitsky- Interpromotional Foley v Flair Now, I've never liked Batista, and I don't know why they let him win the Royal Rumble and are giving him a big push. I saw the JBL-Cena feud coming from miles away, in light of the year-long buildup Cena was given. It's safe to say that April 3 is when JBL finally drops the belt- provided that Vince thinks the right way. HBK v Angle wouldn't really help anyone- they're obviously trying to recapture HBK v Jericho from WM 19. I don't know if they're still planning to turn Foley and Flair's real-life feud into an actual match. And to have that Taker/Kane tag match would be an insult to all that is holy about 'Mania. So, Bob, what do you think about the WWE's current plans for WM 21? Thanks, Ken Hayashi Hey Bob- Sorry- I left out some things when I emailed you earlier today. P.S.: Apparantly, Vince and Rock had a falling out. So Rock probably won't be at WM 21. At the same time, Stone Cold seems to be back in the picture. But I don't know what his role will be at 'Mania. Plus, Vince doesn't appear to be all that eager about letting Brock Lesnar back into the company. What do you think will happen in these situations? Later, Ken Hayashi SNL: The Past 5 Years 4 years of worth cliff notes- 2000-2001 cliff notes- 10.7.00- Rob Lowe/Eminem/Dido/Tim Meadows/Ralph Nader/Brendan Frasier Avg. skit: **.78 Probably one of the most historic shows in SNL’s history as it features the first debate skit and the first Fallon/Fey Update, two things that got SNL lots of press and media attention. It’s also a very good show with some memorable skits (The Scooby Doo skit). The Blind Date skit is painful and the first sign that Molly really needed to go but this was a great way to start off the season. 10.14.00- Kate Hudson/Radiohead/Nomar Garciaparra Avg. skit: **.53 This is a very hit and miss show. Half the show is really funny, while the other half- not so much. Nomar’s cameo is really funny. This show features the first true classic Weekend Update as it was obvious from this point forward that Fallon/Fey were going to be awesome for years to come. 10.21.00- Dana Carvey/The Wallflowers/Robert DeNiro Avg. skit: **.9 The debate skits were starting to wear thin at this point but usually when an SNL Alum hosts- you can’t go wrong. Dana was a great host and despite it being in poor taste, the Bushes go hunting skit is really funny. Robert DeNiro has a hilarious cameo (Tina without glasses!) and there was a Church Lady too. 11.4.00- Charlize Theron/Paul Simon Avg. skit: **.89 I was going to love this show no matter what because Paul Simon was the musical guest and I think he’s the greatest musician of all time. (Yes- better then that Mozart fellow) The show made sure to have good skits as well. The glimpses at our possible future are cute and this would probably have been a good show without Simon. 11.11.00- Calista Flockhart/Ricky Martin **.3 This show will be mostly remembered for having the worst Nick Burns ever and a pretty subpar Weekend Update. There’s also a really long and boring skit involving Al Gore. I don’t really remember much about this show except that Presidential Odd Couple is very funny and Darrell gets to do Dan Rather. 11.18.00- Tom Green/David Gray/Drew Barrymore/Tom’s mom/Tom’s dad Avg. skit: **.3 One of the most criticised shows in SNL’s history as they basically ceded the night to Tom Green and all he did all kinds of weird and crazy skits. The skits were so weird and screwed up that it caused me to coin the Tom Green rating (where a skit is so weird but is also funny but in the end I don’t know what to make of it so I just give it **1/2 and move on) that I still use today. You either hate this show, love this show or are a pussy like me and give every skit **1/2 so as to make an actual opinion. 12.9.00- Val Kilmer/U2 Avg. skit: **.8 This would’ve been a strong show with or without U2. Lots of famous skits here including the Great Frog Society and Presidential Palm Beach. Val was a really fun host here, which is unusual since I don’t remember him doing much comedy. There are two Molly-centric skits that really bring it down but U2 just brings down the house with their performance of Beautiful Day and especially with their performance of Elevation. 12.16.00- Lucy Liu/Jay-Z Avg. skit: **.2 If ever there was such a thing as a one-skit show then this is it. There’s a hilarious Celebrity Jeopardy early on in this show with Jimmy Fallon doing a hilarious Robin Williams impression. That’s pretty much cancelled out by Molly Shannon bringing back Pretty Living. The rest of this show is pretty blah with Jay-Z being pretty terrible and Liu adding nothing. This show does get bonus points for foreshadowing Bush starting a war. 1/13/01- Charlie Sheen/Nelly Furtado Avg. skit: **.76 This is a really fun show. Charlie Sheen was a great host as he was willing to make fun of himself and even had the rare ability to spice up some bad skits. The show has its slow points which really bring down the average but the good stuff on this show is really really good. Nelly Furtado is also a good musical guest, it’s a shame she only gets to sing once. 1/20/01- Mena Suvari/Lenny Kravitz/Janet Reno The first thumbs down show of the year. This show is infamous for two things: Janet Reno’s Dance Party being completely butchered and Mena Suvari’s beyond creepy portrayal as a young Aaron Carter. Other then that most of the skits are pretty lame and it’s a very uninspired show. 2/10/01- Jennifer Lopez/Tom Hanks Avg. skit: **.52 This is the infamous XFL show, where an XFL game pushed this show back until well after midnight, and Lorne wasn’t too happy, as he saw his plans for big ratings evaporate. This is still a pretty good show. There’s an excellent Update, and some fun bits that make fun of Jennifer Lopez. Plus there’s a good Smigel cartoon and the return of Dominican Lou! 2/17/01- Sean Hayes/Shaggy Avg. skit ***.28 The Molly Shannon Reign of Terror ends here and she ends up going out in one of my favourite shows of all time. Sean Hayes is just awesome and the whole show has great skits up and down the show. The first ever Jeffrey’s, a Hardball, Talking about ‘Ginas, there really are few missteps in this show. The fact that the cast was working overtime doing Primetime Extras and was still able to put together a fantastic show is even more remarkable. 2/24/01- Katie Holmes/Dave Matthews Band **.12 I think SNL was pretty burnt out by this point, having to do 3 live shows and then 40 minutes for that primetime extra stuff. Sadly poor Katie Holmes had to deal with the writers burntoutness. This is one of those shows that starts out okay but then after Smigel, it went totally downhill and just died. The worst show of the 00-01 season. 3/10/01- Conan O’Brien/Don Henley/Ben Affleck/Max Weinberg Avg. skit: ***.16 Expectations were high for a show hosted by Conan O’Brien and this show delivered in spades. The show had so much good material, that Update was only 5 minutes long. Most memorable are the Napster hearings, Conan has the Moleculo Man and Conan as horrible boxer James “The Gentleman Masher” Corcoran. Ben Affleck shows up for some fun as Tommy, we get one of the best monologues of the year and almost everything on this show is great. Not much to complain about this. 3/17/01- Julia Stiles/Aerosmith Avg. skit: **.38 I would say that SNL’s 500th show was a big disappointment, but I think everyone already expected that when it was announced that Julia Stiles was hosting. I mean really, Julia Stiles??? Aerosmith is a fun musical guest and there’s an odd cameo from David Copperfield but the rest of the show is forgettable. A Suel Forrester? And can someone explain that German talk show to me? 4/7/01- Alec Baldwin/Coldplay/Kid Rock/David Spade Avg. skit: **.83 With Alec Baldwin hosting, you’re guaranteed a good show, and this was no exception. My favourite Bush cold opening ever, another appearance by Pete Schweddy and some Goulet cap this very funny episode. Despite being dull, Coldplay also helps with some good Update. Tina and Jimmy get into the act too, delivering one of the most memorable Updates ever, featuring the Hefner rant and a hilarious cameo by Kid Rock. 4/14/01- Renee Zelwegger/Eve/Gwen Stefani/Molly Shannon Avg. skit: **.62 This was the first show that I ever attended the dress rehearsal for and I’m lucky that I got to see a good show that was carried by two great skits, a spoof of Jerry Maguire and the usual great Hardball. Even though it was hard to understand what she was saying, Renee was a good host and seemed to be having a lot of fun. Who knows how good this episode could’ve been had they not cut that Arquette joke. 5/5/01- Pierce Brosnan/Destiny’s Child/Julia Stiles Avg. skit: **.46 A show that I liked more then I did four years ago, but I still think it’s ridiculously overrated, thanks to Will Ferrell’s Angry Boss Skit. It probably would’ve been funny in 1995 but in 2001 it’s just stale and Parnell getting stabbed 37 times doesn’t help. Despite my complaints, this is still a pretty good show, featuring some fun skits and an underrated performance from Destiny’s Child. 5/12/01- Lara Flynn Boyle/Bon Jovi Avg. skit: **.50 This is a pretty average SNL. It starts out hot with several good skits and then after Update, it kind of fades. Lara Flynn Boyle was an okay host but didn’t really add anything to the show except a willingness to make fun of her weight. Bon Jovi was pretty good, even though their first song was much better. There’s also the first and only great DeMarcos Brothers skit. 5/19/01- Christopher Walken/Weezer/Kevin Nealon/Winona Ryder Avg. skit: ***/1 A great way to end the 2000-2001 season. Update finally hits ***** and Smigel has his best cartoon ever. (I know I said Saddam and Osama was, but this spoofs Yogi Bear) There are a couple of clunkers early on, but for the most part everything in this episode is pretty, and I’ll never argue with a show with two ***** skits. 2001-2002 cliff notes- 9.29.01- Reese Witherspoon/Alicia Keyes/Rudy Guliani, Bernard Kerick, Thomas Van Esset, Paul Simon, various FDNY-n-NYPD. Avg. skit: *** A pretty great show to kick off the year featuring an emotional cold opening and a kickass celebrity jeopardy. I just found this nice fun show to watch and laugh at in light of what happened. Getting into the dress rehearsal and seeing Paul Simon live also really helped influence my ratings for this show. 10.06.01- Seann William Scott/Sum 41/Chevy Chase Avg. skit: **.3 A great, fist pumping cold opening ad some funny stuff early on but the show just died after Weekend Update and never really recovered. Sum41 was really good and I loved the Chevy cameo. I don't need to see patriotic Will in his revealing shorts anymore 10.13.01 Drew Barrymore/Macy Gray/Tom Green/Colin Quinn. Avg, skit: *.9 A truly awful, abomination of a show. This show aired the week there was anthrax at NBC so you can't really blame them for putting on something so uninspired. Shit like too much Rachel and Darrell laughing and ruining skits just doesn't make anyone laugh. WU somehow got ***** but that wasn't even enough to save the show. 11.03.01 John Goodman/Ja Rule/Dan Aykroyd Avg. Skit: **.8 Whoa- this show kicked ass. Seth and Amy truly shined on this show and despite the host and guest looking like they were going to die by the time the show was over they were awesomely funny and if the mg hadn't sucked horribly this show would've been much better. This is the show that established Seth and Amy as true players on SNL. 11.10.01 Gwyneth Paltrow/Ryan Adams/Matt Damon Avg. skit: **.2 And back down the crapper we go. This show featured a Mango, a dumb monologue and a cartoon that just didn't click. It seemed like everything on this show fell flat. This is the show that saw them get followed around by A&E . Ryan Adams was really good though. 11.17.01 Billy Bob Thorton/Creed/Ashton Kutcher Avg. skit: *** This episode aired on my birthday to me! And SNL let me live out a five-year dream by seeing this show LIVE. (Well the dress rehearsal) A lot of people panned the show but I say it kicks ass and resurrected Nick Burns after Ally McBeal killed him off. Billy Bob Thorton was hilarious and Creed kicked ass. I have to say one more thing: The dress rehearsal so owned and they cut tons of funny stuff. 12.1.01 Derek Jeter/Bubba Sparxxx/Shakira/David Wells, David Cone Avg. skit: *.9 Well it’s not really a shocker here that this show sucked ass because Derek Jeter plays for the Yankees which automatically makes him Satan in my eyes. Why not get someone cool like Greg Maddux or Tom Glavine or Chipper Jones, but I digress. The musical guests were completely different- We had some white guy with a lot of x's in his name embarrassing himself on stage and we had some hot sexy girl named Shakira with a fine ass who, while intelligible, shook her ass a lot. There was also a **** WU with a great point/counterpoint with Seth and Jeter. But other then Shakira's ass and WU the show pretty much sucked. 12.8.01 Hugh Jackman/Mick Jagger Avg. skit: ***.25 Yhis show totally owned in a totally owning kind of way. It featured an awesome, legendary musical hurdy a rocking good host and just hilarious sketches, a good time was had by all. Kangaroo Sodomy will go down in history as being one of the funniest skits EVER. The fact that I was there to see it all probably made me love this show that much more. 12.15.01- Ellen DeGeneres/No Doubt/Rudy Guliani Avg. skit: *** Another great show with great skits up and down the show. I guess the low-point was Gwen Stefani trying to show off her boobies despite the fact that she doesn't have any. That’s how good this show was. The tribute to Gules was pretty funny and the cartoon just showed how awesome Smiges can be. 1.12.02- Josh Hartnett/Pink Avg. skit: **.9 A lot of people hated this show but I really enjoyed this especially the stuff with Seth and Amy. The lack of Will Ferrell kind of sucked but I got used to it, especially with the show being so good. The WU was also below average but below average WU is still better than most everything on the show. This is a really good underrated show. 1.19.02 Jack Black/The Strokes/Kenny Avg. skit: **.9 Another kickass show cause Jack Black is a super funny guy, except for that time when he felt me up. That wasn’t so funny. Weekend Update featured the fabulous awesome Tina Enron rant and the show featured some Tenacious D. There were skits about marijuana cigarettes and I think if you were smoking marijuana cigarettes watching this show- you probably enjoyed it a lot more. 2.2.02 Britney Spears/Justin Timberlake/Dan Aykroyd Avg. skit **.6 I honestly wasn't paying attention too much to this show cause I was getting Super Bowl tickets but I remember liking this show. Brit was okay on the mike but there was a really good Weekend Update and Astronaut Jones debuted here. Good show overall. 3.2.02 Johnny Moseley/Outkast/Rip Taylor Avg. skit: **.3 This show is very historical with no Darrell and the return of Chris Parnell so its got that going for it. Will Ferrell was also absent shooting Old School. Overall the show is pretty 'eh' with a quiet crowd during funny stuff like O'Reilly Factor. I think the limitations of Mosely hurt the show a bit but it was still a pretty okay show. I still haven’t figured out why they got a skier to host the show. 3.9.02 Jon Stewart/India.Arie/ George Plimpton Avg. skit: ***.25 Will wasn’t here again but I was there for the dress rehearsal and this show kicked tons of ass despite them cutting a ***** skit- Tina and Amy's asses-it’s a good thing. Only a couple of 'eh' skits as most everything had me laughing my ass off. Terrific monologue as well. It seemed like almost every skit was firing on all cylinders. One of my favourite shows of all time. 3.16.02 Sir Ian McKellen/Kylie Minogue Avg. skit: **.65 This was the show featuring the kiss heard round the world- poor Jimmy. A solid show and Sir Ian, despite many people's reservations, was a very funny guy- its that British humour I tell ya'. There was a great skit where Sir Ian changed personas throughout and he had a funny monologue. Who can forget Sir Ian clapping to Kylie Minogue? That made the show. 4.06.02 Cameron Diaz/Jimmy Eat World Avg. skit: **.5 This show featured an epic WU that ran fifteen minutes and kicked major ass. There was also a skit that paid tribute to Shania Twain. A lot of the skits ran long so anything that was a clunker really brought down the average. That’s a shame. 4.13.02 The Rock/Andrew WK Avg. skit: **.3 The show that I got screwed out from seeing as I was #9 and 8 people got in. Anywho this show featured like every recurring character known to man. Gaydar came back but just didn't click and Update was criminally short and featured Tina dancing to Bear Necessities. Show just didn't really get on track though and there were just way too many recurring characters. 4.20.02 Alec Baldwin/POD Avg. skit: **.7 The musical guest was really boring which was disappointing since I usually like POD. Baldwin held it together and a pretty good show came out. Weekend Update was much better and the show just flowed really well with consistently funny skits. 5.11.02 Kirsten Dunst/Eminem Avg. skit: **.8 Another good show. Kirsten was a very funny host and this has one of my favourite underrated skits- the Wacky Extras. This also had one of the few funny Jarrett’s Room and another underrated gem in the Last Call skit. Will’s last time as President Bush as well. 5.18.02 Winona Ryder/Moby/Alex Trebek/Neil Diamond Avg. skit: ***.4 Easily my favourite episode of the past 5 years. Will Ferrell gets the best send-off ever with the greatness of the Ferrell tribute skit and the last ever Celebrity Jeopardy. There’s only bad skit here and most of this show is awesome. Winona was a great host and Moby was an awesome musical guest. Plus that Ferrell tribute is my favourite moment in 5 years of watching SNL. You can’t go wrong with this show. SNL Cliff notes from 2002-2003- 10.5.02 Matt Damon/Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band Avg. skit: **.7 A pretty mediocre way to start season 28 as every skit was in the **-*** range it seemed. The musical guest sucked but there was some funny stuff here like Dr. Phil, Update and Damon's Tyson impression. 10.12.02 Sarah Michelle Gellar/Faith Hill Avg. skit: **.55 A show that while not that great, was unfairly ripped apart by many because of the dead crowd. The political humour in this episode was fantastic as every skit they did about the War on Iraq elicited a big laugh from me. Faith was also a really great musical guest. The rest of the show was mostly drek but this episode had enough good to make it a thumbs up. 10.19.02 Senator John McCain/The White Stripes Avg. skit: *** SNL had its first truly awesome show here. McCain was a great host and the fact that had he had no experience acting did not hurt the show in the least. Meet the Press, Hardball and McCain sings Babs were three great skits. The White Stripes were also good musical guests but this was McCain's show and he ran with it. 11.02.02 Eric McCormack/Jay-Z Avg. skit: ** The first thumbs down of the season and it had to go to a Ryerson alum. Aside from Crazy Court this show had nothing going for it. Weekend Update was not up to its usual standards. The musical guest was much better then I expected but most of the skits fell flat. 11.09.02 Nia Vardalos/Eve Avg. skit: **.5 A pretty funny show that took a bit of a nose dive after Weekend Update was over. Update was fantastic and was much better then the previous weeks disappointment. That's what happens when you bring Seth Meyers back and put him on Weekend Update. Overall this was a solid show that rebounded nicely from the previous weeks poor show. 11.16.02 Brittany Murphy/Nelly/Garrett Morris Avg. skit: **.7 The show started off great and was solid throughout. They did a Jarrett's Room that was actually pretty funny but Gaydar and Leathermen were two recurring characters that didn't work out so well. The show ended on a happy note with Garrett Morris making a cameo in an Astronaut Jones skit. Nelly was all right. 12.7.02 Robert DeNiro//Norah Jones/Harvey Keitel Avg. skit: **.8 This was a show that benefited from most of the skits being around **1/2-***. Despite DeNiro being a pretty bad host- the skits were pretty funny. I still say that Wesley Jamison owns you and you must bow down to his greatness. Norah Jones was alright but was too boring and the rest of the show hovered around that **1/2-*** range. 12.14.02 Al Gore/Phish/Martin Sheen/Allison Janney/Bradley Whitford/Richard Schiff/Al Franken/Tipper Gore Avg. skit: **.6 I thought this show would suck big time- I was wrong. It ended up being a consistently good show with most of the skits being pretty good. Al Gore wasn't really that funny and we didn't need another Jarrett's Room but those are minor complaints. It was fun seeing Stuart Smalley back and Phish was a pretty good musical guest. 1.11.03 Jeff Gordon/Avril Lavigne Avg. skit- **.2 The skits sucked the meat missile but Avril was the best musical guest SNL has had in a long time. I enjoyed the references to wrestlers Mike Sanders, Terry Funk and The Rock but when the skit you can remember is Jimmy and Horatio completely ruining a skit with their idiotic laugher- then you know you have a bad show. Avril and the Joe parodies carried this show. 1.18.03 Ray Liotta/The Donnas Avg. skit: **.3 This show started off pretty poorly but started to pick up and got to be decent by the end. A skit about Rachel Dratch's breasts was actually funny. Weekend Update and Straight Talk were both excellent skits and the Donnas were a pretty good band. There were just a bit too many bad skits for my liking. 2.8.03 Matthew McConaughey/The Dixie Chicks Avg. skit: *.7 Ugh- One funny skit does not a funny show make. Even though the protesters skit was well received (and it was hilarious) the rest of the show was awful- especially after Weekend Update. The show absolutely collapsed after WU and it just seemed like it was an eternal freefall. Having Tracy do Joe Jackson instead of having Dean do Michael Jackson also pissed me off a bit. The Dixie Chicks were pretty good but the rest of the show was awful- with the exception of a solid Weekend Update. 2.15.03 Jennifer Garner/Beck Avg. skit: **.2 Another bad show with another bad cold opening. Parnell's Bush was once again awful as he continued to bomb with the impression. Aside from Beck, who was a great musical guest, there were only two skits above *** the whole show. Again teasing the viewer with Dean doing Michael Jackson and not delivering pissed me off big time. The show was mediocre and all the bad skits hurt it. 2.22.03 Christopher Walken/Foo Fighters/Steve Martin/Will Ferrell/Britney Spears/Jim Carrey Avg. skit: ***.2 The best show of the season bar none. From great skits such as Hardball and Pranksters to surprise cameos featuring the likes of Steve Martin and Jim Carrey- this show had it all. Walken was his usual awesome self as host and the writers were on fire this week. Watching this show I was laughing hysterically and was not a Stifley Stiferson. 3.8.03 Queen Latifah/Ms Dynamite Avg. skit: **.7 A really funny episode here despite the fact that it had a Baby K skit. There wasn't really anything that bad in the episode- it was just a good solid 90 minutes of comedy. Seeing the X-Presidents back and seeing them put on nonsensical skits like Adventures at the A&P made me laugh. 3.15.03 Salma Hayek/Christina Agulera/Edward Norton Avg. skit: **.5 The average skit doesn't do it justice here as I thoroughly enjoyed this show. The best WU of the season was on here and it featured Amy's Avril Lavigne impression. It also had Salma questioning whether Renee Zelwegger has a penis, Will Forte getting destroyed and another hilarious Smigel cartoon. 4.05.03 Bernie Mac/Good Charlotte Avg. skit: **.5 A bit of a disappointment considering Bernie was hosting but this was still a pretty good episode. Brain Busters was really good although the popular recurring character 'Bahston Teens' was really starting to show its age and it bombed. 4.12.03 Ray Romano/Zwan Avg. skit: **.6 Seth and Amy were in a skit together for the first time in a looong time and they delivered with their skit preaching abstinence. The Phone Booth parody and Ray's monologue was also some good stuff. Ray Romano tried to revive the Sweet Sassey Mollsasey character but it just didn't work. Overall a solid good show. 5.03.03 Ashton Kutcher/50 Cent Avg. skit: **.85 This was the Seth Meyers show as he got a chance to shine was hilarious in skits like Jarrett's Room. Ashton was a pretty game host as well. His comedic background helped him out and it turned out to be a very good show. 5.10.03 Adrien Brody/Sean Paul/Wayne Wonder Avg. skit: *** Despite Adrien Brody not being a good host- they turned in a great show here. The show was highlighted by Robert Smigel's cartoon- which was one of the best skits I've seen and Smigel's greatest cartoon ever. The show also had some good skits like Regis and Kelly, Self Absorbed and Update was its usual solid self. 5.17.03 Dan Aykroyd/Beyonce/Jim Belushi/John Goodman/Jay-Z Avg. skit: **.8 A very good way to end SNL’s 28th season. Aykroyd as expected was a great host and the show had *** skits up and down the board. Tracy and Kattan both got nice send-offs and except for the Falconer there was nothing bad on this show. Aykroyd continued the hot streak started by Walken that never let up. SNL Cliff notes from 2003-2004 10.4.03- Jack Black/John Mayer/Will Ferrell/Kyle Glass Avg. skit: **.8 A very strong show to kick off the season. While no skits really stood out the show was filled with ***+ skits up and down the show. Kenan Thompson and Finesse Mitchell were both given good airtime for the first show and I liked seeing SNL try to get them noticed. 10.11.03- Justin Timberlake/Carl Weathers Avg. skit: **.6 This was another good show as Justin Timberlake did a great job of hosting. I think the show is a tad overrated as while there was some great skits it wasn’t as consistently a good show as Jack Black. But I’m not going to complain about a show that turns Justin Timberlake singing with Kermit into Will Forte getting his ass kicked. 10.18.03- Halle Berry/Britney Spears/George Wendt Avg. skit: **.2 Well you kind of knew this episode was going to suck since Halle Berry had never shown any comedic ability in her life. And now- Race the Sun does not count. Nothing really stood out here. Even Weekend Update stumbled thanks to a horrible Super Fans commentary. Britney Spears attempting to sing was good for a laugh though. 11.1.03- Kelly Ripa/Outkast/Chris Kattan Avg. skit: **.37 This episode is infamous for me wanting Horatio Sanz to be forced to reenact a scene out of Passion of the Christ. Yes- THAT scene. Kelly Ripa did an okay job as host but she didn’t have good material to work with. Outkast was a really good but nothing was really working and even the Will Forte Weird Skit of the Week bombed. 11.8.03- Andy Roddick/Dave Matthews/John McEnroe Avg skit: *.78 This is what happens when you get a tennis player to host SNL. Andy Roddick was just terrible as he had no acting skills and couldn’t even play himself. John McEnroe was funny which makes me wonder why he didn’t host. This show was a total disaster from start to finish with no redeeming qualities. Even though Tina looked hot in the monologue. 11.15.03- Alec Baldwin/Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot/Mike Myers Avg. skit: **.6 Thank God they got Alec Baldwin to host since I really couldn’t take another horrible episode. This was episode was pretty funny. It featured the debut of Burn v. Zing which I’ve quoted all year and the Tony Bennet show skit was great. After three Weekend Updates featuring Horatio Sanz I was ready to write that off but he wasn’t on that week and Update had its best show of the year. How about that? Forte, Seth and Amy got a lot of airtime and aside from Darrell’s horrible Bush- this was a fun show to watch. 12.6.03- Rev. Al Sharpton/Pink/Tracy Morgan/Paris Hilton Avg. skit: **.3 Unlike political counterparts Sen. John McCain and Al Gore- Rev. Sharpton was not very good on SNL. Luckily Tracy Morgan to brought into help and he helped the show from becoming a disaster. The show was going okay for a bit but after Pink’s second performance it just fell apart and never recovered. 12.13.03- Elijah Wood/JET/Chris Kattan Avg. skit: **.8 Elijah Wood was a great host and a very funny episode resulted. The sad thing is they cut two really funny skits that could’ve made this show a classic. The show had some great stuff (The political humour, Who is the Highest?) and was a fun show to end the year on. 1.10.04- Jennifer Aniston/Black Eyed Peas/Al Franken Avg skit: **.4 I don’t know whether the writers were mourning the death of Yinka Dare but this was one of the most disappointing shows of the season. Jennifer Aniston may be a cold hearted bitch (she could’ve signed) but she’s extremely funny and it should’ve been very easy to write a show around her. I guess not. This show had a very funny political skit written by Al Franken and not much else. Aniston was very funny and tried her best but there’s only so much you can do. 1.17.04- Nick Lachey/Jessica Simpson/G-Unit Avg. skit: **.5 Jessica Simpson brought a lot of energy to the show and it looked like she was having fun and a good show resulted. The show had two ****1/2 skits (Mexican Restaurant and American Idol: Celebrity Edition) and was a lot of fun with a few clunkers. The bad music really brought the show down which is a same. 2.7.04- Megan Mullally/Clay Aiken Avg. skit: **.6 Jeff Richards getting fired was pretty newsworthy but it ended up not affecting the show was it was pretty great. We had another appearance by Dave Clinger and a hilarious skit with Megan Mullally driving a cab. Clay Aiken and a terrible monologue really dragged the show down but there was lots of great stuff here and I enjoyed watching it. 2.14.04- Drew Barrymore/Kelis Avg. skit: **.3 This was a tale of two shows. The first half was just unbearably bad but a really good Weekend Update seemed to spark the show and the last half was awesome. They really dropped the ball on spoofing the White Stripes and I still haven’t figured out the point of that Scott Waino stuff. Not a good show but it was an easy thumbs up from 12:10-1. 2.21.04- Christina Agulera/Maroon 5 Avg. skit: **.8 Aside from pissing me off by having Maya Rudolph play Charlotte (I’m never letting that go) this was pretty awesome. Christina shocked the hell out of everyone by being a really good host. Will Forte was awesome here as his segment on Weekend Update was probably the funniest thing of the year. Maroon 5 was pretty great too. 3.6.04- Colin Firth/Norah Jones/Ana Gasteyer Avg. skit: *** What a great show this. Will Forte again shone here as we had our first ***** skit of the year and he was hilarious in the Jesus Hill skit that closed the show. They also had a Ferecito skit! And it was nice to see Ana Gasteyer back as Martha Stewart. Norah Jones was pretty good as well. Overall a great show. 3.13.04- Ben Affleck/NERD/Kelly Ripa Avg. skit: *** I missed this episode when it initially aired and had to wait a long time to see it. It was well worth the wait as this was one hilarious show. Boston Teens, Appalachian Emergency Room, Top O’ The Morning all rocked and a lot of people loved the Gigli skit. NERD was disappointing and prevented this show from being the best of the year. But enough negativity- this show rocked! 4.3.04- Donald Trump/Toots and the Maytals/George something/Carolyn Kepcher Avg. skit: **.2 Just a depressing show to watch. Donald was terrible and seemed to be most interested in stroking his own ego. The fact that he couldn’t play anyone but himself was annoying. Seth and Will Forte got pushed to the back burner after 4 weeks of great performances. And Seth Meyers got cut from WU so things could fall on Maya Rudolph’s head in the worst WU ever. At least we got Tina cleavage. 4.10.04- Janet Jackson/Tracy Morgan/Chris Kattan/Simon Cowell Avg. skit: **.6 This show was pretty fun. I loved the Cork Soakers thing and seeing them bring back the Christmas Song put a big smile on my face. Janet tried hard and I loved her Condaleeza Rice impression. Weekend Update was able to rebound from its previous weeks horrorfest and made sure nothing fell on anyone’s a head. A good show that surprised me and I was glad they rebounded from the Donald. 5.1.04- Lindsay Lohan/Usher/Ludacris Avg. skit: **.5 This was a fairly bland show that was saved by Lindsay Lohan's beautiful breasts and her inability to stay in character when everyone else loses it. Debbie Downer and Harry Potter became the two most talked about SNL skits in a long time thus making this show one for the history books. That three-skit punch of Jarrett-Club Traxx-Joel was hard to sit through. 5.8.04- Snoop Dogg/Avril Lavigne Avg. skit: ***.3 A fantastic show from top to bottom. It featured some of my favourite recurring characters and Snoop was an awesome host who had me cracking up the whole show. Avril was a kickass musical guest and there was only one skit I didn’t like. Ferecito, Freestyling, the monologue, Avril's first song, the cold opening, WU= all ****+ 5.15.04- Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen/J-Kwon Avg. skit: **.76 A good way to end the season for SNL. Everyone will remember the memorable Jimmy tribute but the show had some other good stuff including a Hardball, the Memorial Day skit and other stuff. The Olsens did a good job hosting and this is one of the few episodes where the live version was much better then the dress rehearsal. And Jimmy getting to do some of his memorable characters in the last show made this all worth it.

Part 2: Recap of Nets, celebrity encounters, best of pithy comments New Jersey Nets- The Nets had an offseason that was criticised by many. I wasn’t happy with it either, but I understand why they did what they did. The Kenyon Martin trade really sucked but he didn’t deserve the money he wanted, and the Nets hands were tied. Kittles was injury prone. Losing “Luscious” Lucious also sucked. To make up for these losses, the Nets signed Eric Williams, Jacques Vaughn, Ron Mercer and Travis Best. Not exactly a collection of all stars, but they would have to do. To make matters worse, Jason Kidd had surgery and would have to miss the start of the season and was also bitching and whining about the moves. The Nets starting lineup was: Richard Jefferson, Eric Williams, Jason Collins, Ron Mercer and Jacques Vaughn. For the first month of the season, the Nets were a one-man show with R-Jeff doing all the work. This did not work. Mercer soon got hurt and was replaced by Zoran Planinic. He showed promise but was too young and could only do so much. R-Jeff tried but there was only so much he could do. The Nets soon found themselves losers of 9 straight and off to a 2-11 record. They ended the month with a win but things did not look promising. Alonzo Mourning was constantly whining about all the losing, Kristic was still developing and J-Kidd could not come back soon enough. For Nets fans, it looked like this was going to be a long season, especially with no hockey around. Kidd came back in early December with the Nets reeling at 4-12. Things were starting to look slightly up. Eric Williams was putting up good numbers and Kristic was really showing a lot of promise. Mourning’s bitching had become out of control and he was benched. Even though the Nets were over their horrific slump early in the year, they still weren’t winning on a consistent basis. They were 7-14, had an unhappy superstar and looked like they were headed to the lottery. Management realised R-Jeff and J-Kidd could only do so much so they made a trade that initially enraged me, but I grew to love. Vince Carter was traded to the Nets for Eric Williams, Aaron Williams, Alonzo Mourning and two first round picks. Now, I live in Toronto during basketball season so I’m forced to follow the Raptors and Vince came off like a cancer there. He was always injured, always complaining and this year the Raps superstar player was only averaging 16 points a game. Hardly superstar numbers. How could I root for a guy I had grown to hate? Plus Eric Williams was really starting to come into his own as a Net and put up good numbers, and they trade him like that. I had grown to respect Aaron Williams a great deal. He didn’t play much, but he did the little things that win basketball games and he was one of my favourite players. Mourning was a piece of shit so I was glad to see him go. The fact that the two picks were from the K-Mart trade really stung. In a way my favourite player was traded for a guy who I had never said a thing about and thought was a cancer on the game. For a second I questioned whether I could root for New Jersey, but my loyalty to the organisation remained true and I knew I should remain loyal to the Nets. Vince’s first game was against the Pistons. He came off the bench and scored 23, before leaving with a cramp. During the game Chauncey Billups delivered a flagrant foul on Jefferson that would have a harsh affect on the Nets season. Carter’s impact was immediate as he started putting up a lot more points then he did in Toronto. There was a black cloud hanging over Carter’s improvement as he admitted in a TNT interview that he didn’t try his hardest on the Raptors. Despite Vince scoring, the Nets still couldn’t get it together. Kristic was still improving but Jefferson was having really off games. In January, the Nets had their first .500 month and it wasn’t because of a lack of effort. They got off to an awful start and in the midst of a losing streak received more bad news. Billups’ flagrant foul on Jefferson was more severe then originally thought. Goodbye Jefferson, gone for the year with a wrist injury and most likely taking the Nets playoffs home with him. After Jefferson’s injury it seemed the Nets started to come together and Vince decided to show everyone he still has game. After a game in which he shot 6-19, Vince went on a mini-streak and scored 20+ points in 6 straight games. With Jefferson injured, the Nets could have quit and got a good lottery spot but the team came together and starting getting some wins. Rodney Buford, who was at point a candidate to be waived had some games no one thought possible for him. Jacques Vaughn was finding his shooting touch and Kristic was becoming a real asset to the team. At the end of January, the Nets were on a 3 game winning streak and even though they were 18-26, things were starting to look slightly up. February saw the Nets put together a winning record. It’s the month were Carter truly found his niche on the Nets and began putting his career back on track. At one point Carter scored 40 points in 3 out of 4 games. Vinsanity was back with a vengeance. Meanwhile in Toronto, Eric Williams was riding the bench as his ability to make baskets seemed to disappear at the border. Aaron Williams never played and Alonzo Mourning refused to play. All GM Ron Babcock had to offer disgruntled Raptors fans was the promise of the draft picks. It didn’t work. I had no problem admitting that I was very wrong about the Vince Carter trade and Vince had become one of my favourite players. Even though they had a February was a good month, there were still problems of inconsistency. The Nets had two blowout losses in a row to two lowly teams (Milwaukee and Toronto) and had a heartbreaking OT loss against the Lakers where they blew a 6 point lead in 45 seconds. Despite Kristic’s remarkable improvement, the Nets were basically going as far as Kidd and Carter could take them. The month of March saw the Nets do something no one thought possible when they were languishing in November and that’s start a playoff run. It took a crazy win against New Orleans to do it. In early March, the Nets mini-momentum seemed doomed after three losses in a row by an average of 15 points. Against New Orleans, the Nets built a big lead but watched as New Orleans kept battling back. Vince and Kidd weren’t having great games shooting wise, leaving Kristic and Vaughn to pick up the slack. New Orleans finally tied it late in the 4th quarter and Vince missed a shot that could’ve won the game and they went to OT. In OT the Nets nearly gagged it again and fell behind 84-83 with 10 seconds left. And then craziness occurred. Carter missed a shot but Collins got the board and drew a foul. Collins missed both shots but got his own rebound. Collins’ shot was blocked. Kidd saw all of this and managed to chase down the ball and drive to the hoop. (And draw a foul as well!) It was now 86-84 Nets. It didn’t end there. Kidd accidentally fouled J.R. Smith while he was going for a three so now the Hornets had the chance to win. Somehow Smith played a Darius Washington and missed the first two shots. He tried to intentionally miss the third but made it in. Thanks to some luck and an amazing play by Kidd, the Nets escaped with a victory they needed and turned around the season. The next game, the exhausted Nets got their ass kicked by the Heat but the message was clear. This Nets team had every intention of making the playoffs and would do anything to get there. What followed was 19 games where every game counted and Vince Carter making everyone a believer again. After the Miami loss, the Nets reeled off 5 straight wins and were only 4 games under .500. Vince scored 30+ points in 4 of those games while Jason Kidd was back to his MVP calibre ways by getting or almost getting a triple double every night. The Nets were the Carter and Kidd show with anyone who wanted to come along for the ride, welcome. It seemed like every win would see someone other then those two unexpectedley have a great game and put the team over the top. And they were doing this all without one of their best scorers. The Nets closed the month on a two game winning streak. Carter averaged 35 points in those two games, Kidd did his usual stuff and Kristic was becoming the unsung hero. People thought the Nets might have an outside shot of making the playoffs. I always believed though. April 2005 was one of the best months ever in the history of the Nets franchise. A loss to Orlando that shouldn’t have hampered put a damper on the month, but that loss just seemed to piss the Nets off. They had to play Cleveland next, in a game that would become the most important game of the year. All 5 starters scored in double figures, Vince had another monster game and the Nets blew them out by 31. After a rout against the hapless Knicks, the Nets welcomed in old rival Boston where Vince put on an incredible show. He scored 24 points in the 1st quarter and ended up with 45. Kidd dished out 18 assists. The Nets then blew a game against the Pacers that had he once again wishing horrible unprintable things about Reggie Miller and their playoff hopes looked to be in jeopardy. Luckily for the Nets, Cleveland picked the worst time ever to go in a slump and dropped three straight. After the Pacers game, Vince had his special day as the team headed up to Toronto for the first time since the trade. Raptors fans were understandably pissed at Vince for being on the receiving end of one of the most lopsided trades in NBA history. Vince’s field goal percentage, three point shooting percentage, free throw percentage, rebounds, assists and points all went up as a member of the Nets. Because of this, Raptor fans booed the hell out of him everytime it looked like he might touch the ball. In the first half, the Nets played lackadaisical basketball and it seemed like the jeers were getting to Vince as he had poor shot selection and the Nets were down by 14. Vince exploded in the third quarter though. He managed to shut up all the fans and the Nets went on a 17-4 run to take the lead for good. Vince knocked down 17 points in that quarter. They were still down by one going into the fourth but it was once again the Vince and Kidd show and they helped put away the Raptors and shut up the fans. That was a nice game to watch. After that, things seemed to come easy for the Nets as Cleveland completely fell apart and lost control of their own destiny. Vince followed his 39 point game by scoring 43 in a rout of Philly. Kidd had a triple double as well. Vince and Kidd again teamed up to beat the Wizards and suddenly it was down to the final game of the season. The team that on March 12th was 9 games under .500, that started out 2-11, that lost one of its top scorers, saw their starting centre quit on the team and had to deal with injury and injury now just needed to beat Boston to get into the playoffs. Cleveland had the same record as the Nets but thanks to that drubbing in early April, the Nets had the tiebreaker. If the Nets won, they were in. But if they lost and Cleveland won, the Cavs were in. The Nets got off to a really bad start against Boston. Vince got hurt early in the game and is shooting was off in the first half and he only had 13 points. The Nets were down by 11 at the half and their season was slipping away. I don’t know what Coach Frank said at halftime but it WORKED. Vince made two big threes and in seven minutes, they erased the deficit. Once the Nets tied it up, that was it. Vince made another three late in the quarter and even Scalabrine made one! The Nets turned an 11 point deficit into a 13 point lead, all in one quarter. Even though the young guys were playing, to their credit, Boston wouldn’t quit. They cut the lead to 5 with 4:28 left but Travis Best bailed us out with a three. They cut it to 7 with 3:13 left and then Vince answered with a three. I went insane at this point and started screaming “WE’RE GONNA DO IT! WE’RE GONNA DO IT!” That was a big mistake. To my horror Boston scored 7 unanswered points and cut it to three. The Nets calmly made all their free throws though and Boston stopped making shots. The Nets were in the playoffs for the fourth year in a row having to win 15 of their last 19 games to do it and have Vince and J-Kidd play amazing games night after night to get us close. Oh and of course, thank you for Cleveland for collapsing. The Nets were set to play the Miami Heat. The Heat swept the season series and also was the new home of Alonzo Mourning. Mourning refused to play for the Raps so for some stupid reason they bought him out of his contract and let him go to Miami. The Nets would have the advantage of having Richard Jefferson back. While he was injured, R-Jeff made noise about coming back and possibly playing if the Nets made the playoffs. Since no one thought the Nets would make the playoffs, no one really took him seriously and thought it was a half assed attempt to rally the team. But there he was, ready to play after being out since January. Game 1 saw the Nets take what sounds like a sound strategy. Guard the hell out of Shaquille O’Neal to prevent him taking over and dominating the game and then on the other end have VC and J-Kidd do their work and we’d win. It sounds simple and effective. Unfortunately, the Nets forgot to guard the other players on the Heat, particularly Damon Jones and Dwayne Wade, as they shot a combined 73 percent. The combination of Vince and Kidd shot 39 percent. Shaq also wouldn’t be stopped as he poured in 17 and the Heat won easily 116-98. Game 2 was pretty much just like Game 1 but with Alonzo Mourning also doing some damage. Watching Alonzo’s cheerleading really pissed me off, since I well, hate him and wish him nothing but more non-functioning kidneys. I mean wow your team made a basket, why don’t you cheer some more? Vince and Kidd continued to have trouble shooting, as the Nets shot a miserable 36 percent. Nenad Kristic was the only bright spot for a Nets team that looked like it was going nowhere fast. The Nets lost this one 104-87. Game 3 was this awesomely epic game that sadly also put the nail in the Nets coffin. The Nets opened up to a big first quarter lead, thanks to Vince and Kristic. R-Jeff was starting to come around as well and he was a huge contributor. Even though Kidd was still having a really off shooting night, he was dishing the assists and getting the boards. The Heat came back in the second quarter and had the lead going into the fourth, but then the Nets came back strong. The fourth quarter was thrilling as the Nets and Heat continued to trade back the lead, with each shot becoming a matter of life and death. With a minute left, the Nets had taken a three point shooting thanks to some clutch shooting by Vince. But then Eddie Jones (who had burning the Nets all night with threes) burned them again with a three to tie it at 90. The teams traded misses and with 2 seconds left Jason Kidd had a wide-open three…but he missed it. Overtime! In OT, the teams were again trading the lead back and forth but with 35 seconds left, Shaq made a hook shot. Shaq may have been getting double teamed but he made the big shots when they counted. The Nets couldn’t tie the game and had to foul Eddie Jones. Somehow Eddie missed both his shots and the Nets were still alive. Vince missed a three, Kristic got the rebound, but he missed a tip-in but the Nets got the rebound. On the final shot, Vince put it up. It bounced around the rim for a second and then IT WENT IN!!! DOUBLE OVERTIME! In double overtime, the Nets went cold though, as they soon couldn’t buy a basket. The Heat were up by three with 15 seconds left and when J-Kidd got called for an offensive foul, I knew it was over. It had been a classic game, one of the best games of the year, but the Heat won and now had a commanding 3-0 lead. Sadly, there was no Red Sox-esque comeback for the Nets as Game 4 went the same way Games 1 and 2 did. Sure they kept Shaq in check but seemed to forget about the rest of the Heat offence. Kenyon Dooling, Zo (grrr) and Eddie Jones (5 threes!) seemed to take turns in torching the Nets. Vince Carter tried to be a hero, but he ended up having a horrible game, missing 16 of 22 shots. Despite another good game from Kristic, the Heat once again overwhelmed the Net and in the 3rd quarter, it was over. The Nets had a miraculous run to make it to the playoffs, but in the end got destroyed by a much better team. While the Nets run to the playoffs did have a pretty horrible ending, watching this team come together in March and just go on that torrid pace with Vince seemingly jacking up 30 every night, was one of my favourite times to be a basketball fans. While they didn’t win a single game, the Nets did a great job in distracting me and making me forget that there was no hockey this season, and for that I am grateful. No I am not a stalker- Not to worry- this does not contain any 6-page essays about meeting Hilary Duff. Even though that would be an easy way for me to get to 100 pages. Bubba from Survivor Vanuatu: I met Bubba at a signing at Indigo Books in Toronto. I had heard that he used to work for NWA Wildside and worked with AJ Styles (one of my favourite wrestlers) so I had to ask him about that. Bubba was really cool and we talked a lot about working with AJ (I believe he was the first guy to ever take AJ’s DDT) and other Wildside workers like David Young, Jason Cross, Iceberg and Jimmy Rave. He signed his real name and then as a treat to me he signed his gimmick name (Romeo Bliss) as well. Totally cool guy. Dave Navarro- I had met Dave Navarro in August 2003 and I found out that Jane was addicted to heroin. This time I decided to congratulate him on his good performance on Celebrity Poker. (He made it to the finals and lost to Seth). He gave me a genuine thank you and then dealt with collectors asking about his wife. P. Diddy- I had met P. Diddy before, in May 2003 when he stopped by SNL to visit Ashton Kutcher. P. Diddy was supposed to be on Conan but he was really late. When he showed up I expected him to rush right in, but I asked P. Diddy for a picture and he said “Sure” and I took a picture with him and got his autograph. Just like when I met him in May, P. Diddy was totally an awesome guy. Queen Latifah- I met the Queen when she hosted SNL. After meeting P. Diddy I said hi to her as she walked around 8H and I figured I’d get her after she down for the night. That’s what happened as Latifah came down wearing a big blue sweater. She was really cool- signing, talking to us and posing for pictures. She told us to all go see Taxi. I did go see Taxi and I was not too impressed. I should ask Queen for my $10 back next time I see her. Dave Batistia- I met Batista in October 2004. After he had been established as pimp but before he was BIG DAVE!~ His slow burn feud with Triple H was just about to begin. Batista was doing a signing at HMV and I really wanted to meet him. I spent the afternoon with someone at HMV and by the time Batista’s time was almost up, the line was short and I jumped on the line and was soon getting to meet the man who set so many heterosexual hearts aflutter with his outfit at Wrestlemania XX. I met Batista at the autograph table and in my 100% heterosexual opinion- he looked PIMP!~ Batista was wearing a pimp reddish shirt and he shook my hand and asked me how I was doing. I asked him what his favourite matches are and he pondered for a second and said his match v. Shawn Michaels or his match v. Benoit (from Feb 04). He was HUGE though- he took up the whole table! Liam Neeson- Liam Neeson was on Conan on a day I went to meet other people who were on Conan. One time my met Liam when he was shooting a movie in Grand Central Station and he was kind of a dick to her. I wanted to tell Liam Neeson that I found Schindler’s List to be the funniest movie of all time- but I didn’t want him to punch me in the face. Liam Neeson might have a good right hook for all I now. Instead I just told Liam that I liked him on SNL and he said thank you in that accent of his. Triple H- I met The Game the same day I met Liam Neeson. He was promoting Blade and that new bodybuilding book he had and was going to be on Conan. I’m not a big Triple H fan but I loved the guy’s work for a while and I was at MSG when he returned and blew the roof off the place. Plus I wanted my Wrestlemania XX DVD signed. Whenever I go meet a wrestler, I always have to deal with the hordes of wrestling fans who show up for this stuff. Unlike autograph collectors, wrestling fans are really nice and cool and it doesn’t turn into an all out competition to get the autograph. Everyone helps everyone. Triple H showed up and like Batista- he was huge. His guard led him in the wrong way, which gave me an extra second to get him. I ducked under everyone and got right in front of him and asked him to sign my DVD. He was very nice and signed for everyone. He has a cool autograph too- he wrote HHH The Game. On the way out I tried to get a picture but it was way too crowded. Brian Williams- I never did get a chance to say farewell to Tom Brokaw (Apparently Brokaw is supposed to be this huge asshole- but he was nice to me) but I did see Williams a couple weeks after he took over. I don’t really remember what went on but I told him he was doing a good job and asked him what it was like filling in for Brokaw. Adam Sandler- I’ve always been a big Adam Sandler fan even though I don’t like the mature Adam Sandler that has been around ever since Big Daddy. Adam is still awesome if only for making a cameo to help Norm in Dirty Work and I was excited he was going to be on Conan in late December. All day while waiting for Adam, I kept yelling “TIME FOR THE JEOPARDY!” I’m sure that got annoying to many people but I found it funny each time. I was waiting for Adam to come out and my SNL-dar came through as I spotted him coming out and I ran over to meet him. Adam got mobbed but he was very nice and signed for everyone. I had him sign my Dirty Work DVD and I told him it was my favourite movie. He laughed and was like, “Really?” I then told him that Norm was my idol (I’ve told that to about 233 celebs I’ve met) and he said Norm was doing well. I wished him a Happy Chanukah and he said thank you and then he got into his car. Conan O’Brien- As usual I always manage to run into Conan, every once in a while since I’m at NBC too much. Conan always seems to be in a rush to get somewhere but he always stops for people. Roger Ebert- I’ve always been a fan of Ebert’s reviews. Even when I didn’t agree with him (which was often)I always thought he did a good job of presenting his arguments and defending his views. I also thought how cool it was that he would give **** to a lot of films that usually wouldn’t get that rating. (The first two Harry Potters, Spider-Man 2 etc) Every Friday was spent reading a review of the new films (unless I was planning on seeing it- in which case I read the review after I saw the movie). When I found out that Ebert would be doing a book signing in New York in the middle of February I got upset, figuring I would just barely miss meeting him. As luck would have it, my copy editing class got cancelled and I’d be able to fly home earlier then I thought and go meet Ebert. Ebert was doing the book signing and Conan on the same day. I decided to go to the book signing since I figured I’d have more quality Ebert time. Ebert came in and gave a 30-minute talk- which was unexpected. He talked about the Million Dollar Baby controversy and told some fun stories of his almost 40 years in the business. Then he did a q-n-a session. He talked about Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, movie piracy, what to do if you have a masters in film criticism and then he had time for one last question. I enthusiastically shot my hand in the air and Roger Ebert noted my enthusiasm and called on me! I asked him if there was any recent movie he’d seen that he gave three starts to but now looks back and realises it was a great movie. He said Groundhog Day and proceeded to talk a bit about that. Then it was time to go get my book signed. Remember the top 10 movies thing I wrote for the Giamatti show? Well I decided to give that to Ebert for him to read. I tweaked it and took out the cursing and the SNL references to make it more accessible for him. I was wearing a shirt that said “I Am Funkier Then You”, which Ebert read allowed and then we had our conversation. I introduced myself and explained to him why I was giving this to him: Me: Here’s a list of my top ten films of the year Mr. Ebert. I hope having Raise Your Voice on the list doesn’t cheapen it. Ebert: What are you talking about? Raise Your Voice? I love that movie! Me: Umm no you don’t. You gave it one star- I don’t think you liked it too much. Ebert: Raise Your Voice- are you sure? Me: Yea- Raise Your Voice. The Hilary Duff movie. ::Ebert then stopped and read my write-up of Raise Your Voice:: Ebert: Well opinions differ. He then shook my hand and smiled and he kept my write-up too. Awesome guy. Biff Henderson- When I went to Letterman in February, I ran into my old buddy Biff Henderson and he’s still as awesome as always. Amanda Bynes- Don’t worry- even though Amanda is around Hilary’s age this will not be six pages long. I hope not. Amanda Bynes was the first teenage star that I got into. What I Like About You aired on one week delay in Canada and I started to watching it. The show itself wasn’t that great (except for GARY!~) but I was struck by: a) How hot Amanda was and B) And how good a physical comic she was and c) Seriously- she’s really hot. I even downloaded What a Girl Wants- it wasn’t that bad. I mean Colin Firth was his usual awesomeness, Kelly Preston was hot and Amanda was Amanda. I must say that the scene where Amanda falls into the water wearing a white shirt and you see nothing- well that’s just mean. I should probably get on with the story before I get carted off to jail. Anyway- even though YTV had stopped showing What I Like About You (damn content issues) and my love for Amanda waned a bit- I still really wanted to meet her. I was disappointed when I found out she was going to be on Letterman in early February- just a few weeks before I came home. Thankfully Johnny Carson died (Yea that sounds wrong) and Amanda got bumped off so they could pay tribute. Amanda was pushed back to the end of February- when I’d be home on break. The Saturday before I was set to meet Amanda I came down with a bad fever. I was coughing a ton, not sleeping and generally feeling like crap. Still, despite the cold weather and helped by the fact that I’m an idiot- A 101-degree fever would not make me miss the chance to meet Amanda. I got to Letterman a little before 3 which is much later then I usually get there. Being sick and forgetting where Letterman was will do that to you. I got to Letterman and was having trouble getting to the front of the barricades, which worried me. Luckily Amanda had been around the talk show circuit before so people had gotten her autograph and there wasn’t a huge crowd. 30 minutes before Amanda came in- people left and I was able to move around. As the time wore on I started to really not feel well. If I wasn’t stupid and headstrong I would’ve contemplated going home but I decided to stay and wait Amanda out. Thankfully as my fever neared 102 Amanda showed up pretty early. She looked amazingly pretty and looked like she was willing to sign. Amazingly the people at Letterman were very well behaved. Amanda signed for me and since I was sick I really don’t remember what I said but I probably told her she was awesome and very funny. I got a big Amanda smile and a genuine thank you and then I thanked her and probably rambled on some more and she kept smiling at me as she signed for others. As fate would have it- the day I came back from my break- What I Like About You reruns started playing again on YTV. Now all I have to do is meet GARY!~. Dennis Miller- Now I’ve always been a big Dennis Miller fan and next to Norm, he’s got to be one of the greatest Update anchors ever. Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here but come on, the guy was at the Update desk for 6 years! Longer then anyone. After he left Weekend Update, Dennis did his own failed syndicated talk show. I’m only mentioning this because one of the guys he hired to write for him was a young Canadian comic named Norm Macdonald. So it’s Dennis who got Norm’s foot in the door for Hollywood. As the biggest Norm fan out there, I had to go and meet Dennis when I found out he was on the Daily Show. Fans of my stalking stories (all 2 of you) will know that the Daily Show is the easiest place to meet people. I got to the Daily Show and found out that me and my friend New York were the only two people there. A short while later, the man, the myth, the Weekend Update legend got out of his car. I approached him and he couldn’t have been nicer. He immediately shook my hand and said it was a pleasure to meet me. I asked for a picture and he said: “Are you kidding me? I LIVE for this stuff!” We talked about Norm as the picture was taken and he seemed surprised that I was such a big fan of him and Norm and then he said, “Norm’s the greatest.” So yea- Dennis Miller’s awesome. After we took the picture, Miller again said it was great meeting us and shook our hand. What a great Republican. Rob Corddry- I met Rob the same day I met Dennis Miller. Rob is one of the correspondents on the Daily Show and he was on a couple episodes of Arrested Development and he’s pretty good at doing both. He was really cool too. He told me what story he was doing and we talked a bit about Arrested Development. Why are people at the Daily Show so nice? Oh yea, because it’s cable. Carolyn McCormack: Carolyn McCormack is most famous for playing Dr. Olivet on Law and Order. She was doing the same play as Bob Saget and since I had to meet Bob Saget, I also ended up meeting her. I told her she was great on Law and Order. I think she was surprised that someone recognised her as she shot me a funny look. She was really good on the latest Trial by Jury though. Martin Short- I met the man famous for feuding with Tom Green at the Daily Show. Short hosted one of my favourite SNLs ever (first ever Celebrity Jeopardy!) and was hilarious in Get Over It. One day I will find that movie in a bin and die happy. Anyway, Short took a long time getting to the Daily Show. My friend had to go soon and I didn’t want to miss my chance to get a picture with Clifford so I tried to convince him to stay. To pass the time, I read a Catholic morality book he had. Low and behold, I turned around and there was Martin walking down the street. He was very nice and signed my college paper (since he’s Canadian). He was a bit iffy about taking a picture since he was really late but the Daily Show security guard said he was fine and I got a picture with him. I did make sure to tell him how much I enjoyed Get Over It. Jerry Minor- I was hanging out at SNL on Friday waiting to see the cast and anyone else when I saw Jason Sudaekis and a black guy walk out. I recognised the black guy, but it took me a minute and then I realised- it was Jerry Minor!!! I always thought he was criminally underused and that his firing was bull. I told Jerry this and he said things ended up working out. I told him how much I loved Rap Street and then I asked him if Mena Suvari’s convincing portrayal as Aaron Carter freaked him out. He said yes. Bob Saget- I’m one of the biggest Full House geeks. Okay, so I haven’t written fan fiction like Pam Tanner’s diary (one of the funniest things online) but I’ve seen every episode at least 5-6 times and yet will always watch it if it’s on. I just love the show. I don’t really have a favourite episode, since I just love them all. I know I lost tons of street cred with this paragraph, but I think whatever street cred ended with my Hilary Duff encounter story. To add to Bob Saget’s awesomeness, he’s also the director of Dirty Work. As everyone knows, Dirty Work is my all time favourite movie and I’ve seen it countless amounts of times. So Bob Saget is pretty freaking awesome in my book. In April my friend met him at SNL and got his autograph for me. I found out that Saget was in New York because he was doing an Off Broadway play called Privilege. This was my golden chance to meet him. On April 30th, I went down to Privilege and waited for Saget to come in. Instead I saw him come out, talking on his cell phone and go into deli. I didn’t want to be rude so I didn’t stop him. On the way out of the deli he was still on the phone and again I didn’t want to stop him. So yea, I missed with Saget but I was still shocked that he came so early to his play. So I decided to try and meet Saget again and I got there pretty early. And I waited. And waited. And waited. Soon it was 1:00 and the play was starting in an hour. I was assured by the British security guy that Saget had not arrived yet. 1:30 rolled around and still no Saget. Finally at 1:35 Saget came walking by with his phone in hand. My heart sank, but he saw my copy of Dirty Work and came over to say hello. I told him Dirty Work was my favourite movie and he said “Mine too.” He then signed my DVD and I told him I was a big Full House fan. Now I just have to meet Jodie Sweetin. Paul London- Paul was at the ROH show in New York City. He worked a show in Hartford and then drove all the way to New York just to say hi to old friends. What a true class act. Paul was in the lobby afterwards and was signing and talking to everyone. Sylvester Stallone- As a kid, I loved those Rocky movies. I used to watch them all the time on TBS and when I got the Rocky collection on VHS, I loved popping them in. Rocky III is the best of the series, no question. I mean Mickey dies, Eye of the Tigetr, Thunderlips, the training stuff with Creed, Clubber Lang- it’s all awesome. Rocky IV has the best fight just because it’s so unrealistic and that song War is ownage. Rocky is of course a classic, and Rocky II is gooey sentimental. Rocky V is hilariously bad. Anyway, I found out Sly was doing a book signing and I was excited. My grandpa was more shocked saying, “Does this guy know how to write?” Even though I’m not into getting myself physically fit, I did want to buy the book. I got to the book signing at 11:30 and there was already a line stretching down the street. Pretty impressive considering he hasn’t had a hit movie in forever. A little before 1, I got to meet him and have my book signed. I told him how much I loved Rocky III and he seemed impressed and he shook my hand. Sloppy autograph though. Priscilla Presley- I’m a huge Elvis fan given my Memphis roots, but I can’t say I was ever a big fan of the wife. I do have some respect for her- I mean she banged Elvis. That’s kinda cool. Anyway, she was doing Letterman the same day as someone else I wanted to meet so I met her by proxy. I said hello and that she looked nice and I got a smile and she said thanks. I kinda would rather meet Elvis though. Jason Alexander- I think everyone knows that Seinfeld is my favourite show of all time. George is my favourite character on that show, and one of my fictional characters of all time, right up there with Bill McNeal. To date, Jerry had been the only Seinfeld castmember I had met. So it was with excitement when I found Jason Alexander would be doing a book signing of a kids book he wrote. I got to the signing about 30 minutes before it started and unlike the Sly Stallone signing, there was no one there. I waited for a bit and even got a free slice of pizza from a guy who was too full to finish it. Jason Alexander was much nicer then Sly Stallone. He personalised the book and had conversations with everyone. I told him that George was my favourite character and I said I was sorry his show got cancelled. He said, “Well these things happen.” I tried to get him to sign my Seinfeld DVD but he said they would get mad at him if he did and that he was sorry. Oh well, it wasn’t a big deal. I was just happy I finally got to meet Heorge Louis Costanza. Lindsay Lohan- I met Lindsay last year when she hosted SNL and she was very nice. She also was just starting her stint as overly exposed celebrity. One year later, I met Lindsay again when she hosted SNL again. And my, have times (and drugs and partying and not eating) changed Lindsay. She looked really skinny, with blonde hair that didn’t look good on her. She also had lost her voice. Hilary Duff: 1 Lindsay Lohan: 0 She said she was really tired and asked if it was okay if she didn’t stop. I said sure and we exchanged pleasantries. She told me she was tired when I asked how she was doing. I was the only one who got to talk to her as the screaming girls who love Lindsay, were DENIED!~ Quentin Tarantino- Quentin’s my favourite director. I love everything he’s done and just think he’s a genius. I love watching interviews with him, hearing him talk about movies. He has such an obvious enthusiasm for his films and just movies in general, that I just think he’s great. I’ve seen Pulp Fiction way too many times and the film inspired me to want to be a film critic and it just made me appreciate what a ‘great’ movie really is. And I owe that all to Quentin’s genius. Last year when he was doing press all over for Kill Bill Vol. 2 I was pissed since I was up in Canada and couldn’t meet him. So when I found out he was doing Letterman to promote the CSI he’s directing, I was really exciting. In fact Quentin is one of the five people I’d love to meet before I die. I got to Letterman wicked early because I didn’t know how popular the other guest (Priscilla) would be with people. There I found out a change in Letterman. Instead of waiting where I usually waited, they did away with that due to construction. So my option was to wait across the street pretty much. This wasn’t really good. So for a long time, I just sat there trying to figure out the best place to stand to meet Quentin. They told us we could wait behind where the press is. There was this really nice guard, who understood how big a QT fan I was and he let me wait pretty close. I passed the time writing a letter to QT just telling him how much I loved his movies and how he inspired me. Finally at 5 (after four hours of waiting) Quentin came! He was only signing for the people who came across the street and not for the people who waited behind the press. I was really cursing my luck at this point. As Quentin was going in, I started yelling his name trying to get his attention. As he was about to go in I yelled, “Quentin! I have a card for you!” He stopped and ran back over to me. He said hi, I said hi, he took the card and said thanks and asked me how I was doing and I said you’re welcome. Everyone around me was instantly jealous, while I was going crazy. I mean I talked to Quentin Tarantino! Quentin came down at 6:30 and I stayed to see if I could talk to him. He saw me and came up to me and signed my Pulp Fiction DVD. He was in a rush, but he took the time to talk with me for a few moments. He said he would read my letter when he got home and he looked forward to it and I just thanked him for his movies and told him he was one of my heroes. He seemed touched and shook my hand said it was very nice to meet me. He signed for everyone else and did all he could to accommodate people. He’s a real great down to earth guy and I was glad that one of my heroes wasn’t a total prick. Pithy Comments!- (Times I tried to be funny and times I ranted) Ben Affleck has got to be the most self-deprecating man on the planet. Part of me kind of wishes nothing but misery for the rest of his life so he can go on SNL and just mock himself for it. From my review of Boner Juice- Well that was an interesting way for Rob Riggle to make his SNL debut. I’m sure his fellow marines must be very proud. On Debbie Downer- Why did they have to do this? Why? I mean honestly? It should’ve been decided it would be a one time thing the minute Lindsay Lohan stood up, tried to compose herself, but just fell down laughing. Let the moment live. Did we need to see Debbie Downer again? No. Everyone would just be waiting for the big crackup moment where everyone lost it and Rachel Dratch looked like she was about to pee herself. But come on- the minute they did that it would be cliché and contrived as hell. So they decided to play it straight and rely on Debbie’s hilarious Downerisms to get them through. But someone forgot to give Debbie any funny material to work with. They tried with the musical accompaniment to get that old Debbie Downer magic going and it just didn’t work. The first one worked, aside from the cast losing it so badly, because Debbie had a lot of funny stuff to say. (The anthrax line, I can’t have children etc). I laughed at the British hostage remark but other then that everyone’s timing was really off and it came off like a pathetic attempt to recapture some magic. Debbie Downer was lightning in a bottle, one of those things where all the pieces happened to fit perfectly together. That doesn’t happen again and SNL learned the hard way? Did SNL redo Cowbell? No. So why did Debbie Downer have to suffer the same fate? Nelly w/ Jahkim ‘Push Me’ I know I spelled his name wrong but it was either that or ‘Black guy who looks just like Nelly but isn’t’.’ Not to sound racist but if never having another black host means never having another Stahkisha- then is that so wrong? Good to know that Chris Kattan could look up from his massive line of coke and go out there and introduce Queen. God Ashlee is terrible. She has no vocal talent, a huge nose, and an odd looking body. She also kept making weird movements with her arms that were distracting me and meant I couldn’t concentrate on hating her. And while I was hating her- I missed the end of the game. Damn you Ashlee Simpson! This song is bollocks- it has a horrible flow and just sounds awkward. Plus the guitars were way too loud and they overshadowed Ashlee’s vocals. And at the end it seemed like Ashlee was acting out the song which just made her look like a jackass. Little did we know what was to come. Yes Ashlee. We’re all sorry you’re band couldn’t play the right song. congratulations to Seth. Not only does he possibly get the next President of the United States- he gets the biggest mass murderer in American history as well. Kudos Seth- I knew that talent would pay off. If Winslet was going to show off some talents she could’ve shown off her talent for wiggling her crotch like in Eternal Sunshine. I think SNL can make any holiday, movie, or piece of pop culture and make it into having to do with homosexuals. That takes a special talent or a total lack of creative ideas. Take your pick. Seriously- the best thing someone can come up with is: Hey- what if Frankenstein was gay? You know that Meet the Press opening? Well: If it’s after 12:30 and has Maya Rudolph in it- then it most definitely sucks. Finesse Mitchell is still on the show?? I thought he had gone the way of the dodo bird, Dean Edwards and Tom Daschle’s Senate seat. Last week Finesse gets the monologue. This week he gets the cold opening. Like George and Isabel Jefferson he truly is moving on up. And yes SNL- you had the biggest news story for a few days thanks to Ashlee. Feel free to get over that like the rest of the world has. That dog was funnier then Maya Rudolph. Looked like her too. especially with Seth zinging Horatio on being a virgin. Surely in his 7 years at SNL he’s found one groupie with a fat fetish. Scissor Sisters ‘We Are Really Really Gay’ Thoughts- Wow. That was about a .8 on the Sweeney scale. Scissor Sisters ‘Comfortably Numb…if Pink Floyd was really really gay’ This was about a .9 on the Sweeney scale. You can’t think of something else for like one of the most respected actors ever? Godsend, Analyse That, The Fan, The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle, Showtime, Fifteen Minutes, City by the Sea and that movie with Dakota Fanning not withstanding of course. I guess Tina thought: Hey- I haven’t mentioned the female vagina enough during my tenure at SNL- maybe I should do a commercial parody about it. Okay, comparing DeNiro as a host and comparing Walken as a host is like comparing Eli Manning to Peyton Manning, but the point still stands. So was Dana Carvey washing his hair or something? I mean I’m happy Fred got the chance to do George H.W. Bush, I’m just surprised they let someone else do it. Going to school in Canada has made me wish that Canadians had a history of being horrible racists to black people as well. I mean a day off is a day off. Hey look everyone! Rachel Dratch is playing a crazy old person! I’ve never seen that one before. What the hell? Seriously- what the hell? You have Hardball, probably SNL’s most popular recurring character, and you stick it at 12:40 am after the worst skit of the night? Who paced this show? Hardball should be the first skit of the night or the cold opening, not regulated in the death slot. If you’re going to do that then just cut the skit and do it again next week. And on top of that, this skit, which was really funny, was like 10 seconds long! What a waste of effort and I feel for Will Forte. This guy has an amazing impression that scares the crap out of me and instead of making it a big part of the show SNL cuts him from Weekend Update and then regulates him to the death slot. This is why I would never want to work for SNL- you just watch your best stuff either get cut or be treated like garbage like Forte’s Zell Miller is. I must extend my sympathies to whichever writer watched the Hot Chick to make that reference. Another thing I didn’t like about RICK! RICK! RICK! was Caitlin saying she would go on the Price is Right and bid a dollar. There is nothing more then people who do that on that show. I know it’s strategy and all but- YOU KNOW IT DOESN’T COST A DOLLAR SO STOP BEING A DOUCHEBAG AND BID A REAL NUMBER! I seriously think people who do that should be taken out back and shot. It’s such an asshole cheap thing to do that it bothers me so much. Just bid what you think it costs- have some pride for God sakes. You know Bill O’Reilly’s head was going to explode watching this. We have Ludacris, who O’Reilly hates and has called for a boycott of Pepsi because of his involvement in an advertising campaign, and we have Sum 41. What’s so bad about Sum 41 you ask? Well they’re Canadian and last year, Bill O’Reilly considered boycotting Canada because they were granting AWOL soldiers asylum. So not a good combination. I don’t know whether to be more excited that they brought back SpyGlass or that they mentioned VIVIAN CINNAMON!~ Vivian Cinnamon, I believe, was the character Lindsay Lohan played in the cut Spy Glass. She was speaking with a British accent, said the phrase ‘Cheeriatsi’, and well, it really turned me on. Tinkerbell got more airtime this episode then Rob Riggle has all season. That’s hot. Well that’s not really hot- it’s more sad. You know, considering it is the one year anniversary of the Jeff Richards firing, Lorne should’ve celebrated by firing Maya Rudolph. I guess it was the politics of firing her during Black History Month and all that. I don’t really know what was up with Clarkson’s voice but I admire for not taking the low road (or I guess I should call it ‘the Ashlee Simpson road’) Holy fake hooters on Hilary! Apparently, spell check does not recognise the word ‘hooters’. Who is Olivia? Why does 50 Cent want her candy? Why can’t he be somewhat subtle about it? Why, if he wasn’t going to be subtle about it, at least use a better double entendre? Why does SNL invite 50 Cent back year after year? How does 50 Cent sell so many records when I’ve really noticed any discernible talent he has that distinguishes himself from everyone else? Whatever happened to Bubba Sparxxxxx? I was hoping someone would ask Spade “Why didn’t you go to Chris Farley’s funeral?” because then this monologue would’ve been ***** easily no questions asked. Also any question pertaining to Lost and Found like: a) Why did you write Lost and Found? B) Why did you think people would take you seriously as a romantic lead? c) How did you get Sophie Marceau in this movie? d) Is it sad that you probably have bigger tits then her? e) Isn’t it pathetic that you had Artie Lange dye his hair blonde because you pathetically couldn’t get over the loss of Farley and you realised your movie career was kind of dead at this point? f) Seriously- why didn’t you go to Farley’s funeral? David Spade mode on. Art people: We’re these crazy art people who have a crazy house and a weird servant and it’s oh so funny. David Spade: Buh-bye. David Spade mode off. Maya’s Oprah is not funny and adds nothing to the show- kind of like Maya herself. You know I was kind of disappointed when Ashton came out wearing pants in the monologue but luckily we did get our dose of Ashton in his underwear, and once again it was hilarious. I should make fun of Eve and Gwen Stefani for both once again showing skin when there’s really nothing to show. I mean really- both girls make Mandy Moore look not that flat by comparison. I know I’ve made fun of Gwen Stefani’s flat chest before but she never seems to learn. If Lindsay Lohan wore outfits like that when she sang it’d be cool- but since it’s Gwen- not so much. And Lindsay was in the audience tonight- so I wonder what she was thinking. Man, 5 women in one skit is just asking for it to be unfunny. I know it’s sexist but come on, you know it’s true. (On the return of the Barry Gibb talk show) I don’t find this funny. I’ve debated with tons of people about this and I don’t see it. I wish I did see what was so funny about the Barry Gibb Talk Show but I don’t. It’s just Jimmy doing a bad Barry Gibb impression with a horrible voice and asking stupid questions. That’s not funny. I could kind of see people liking it but the hype that the skit got back in October 2003 was disgusting as there about 4 million better skits that have gone unnoticed. Also, how come everytime an SNLer comes back to the show, they have to do a skit that I hate? I remember being incensed when Will came back and did the Luvahs and I was sad when Tracy coming back meant he had to do Brian Fellows Safari Planet again. And now this. Instead of Jimmy doing one of his awesome impressions or a character like Nick Burns, we’re subjected to seeing a rehash of the most overrated skit if the 2003-2004 season. Cameron wearing the flesh coloured top? Nice! Cameron trying to sing? Not so much. (From the Cameron Spyglass) Not one of the better editions and this really should’ve been cut from dress to protect the integrity and the high standards of excellence that Spyglass has. ** Watching this monologue was worse then listening to ESPN’s Sunday Night Crew or having to hear Cris Collinsworth rip people apart on Fox’s games. You have to feel for Troy Aikmen knowing that he probably wants to punch that prick right in the mouth but can’t. I mean the Dr. Phil families he has on the show truly kick ass. I wonder who is living this horrible life with tons of family conflicts and thinks, “Things are so bad right now that the only person who can help us is that crazy Texan on the TV.” I do have to give props to Dr. Phil for getting Kelsey Grammer to read The Night Before Christmas at his Christmas party. That was bad-ass. Confessions of a Teenage Falconer is the way to go if they’re going to start spoofing Lindsay Lohan movies. Plus I’m sure Confessions of a Teenage Falconer would probably make more sense then Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen did. You also have to respect the guy [Martin Short] for being in Clifford AND A Simple Wish, yet still having the ability to do a show where he mocks celebrities and make them squirm. He also apparently got Tom Green really pissed off at him and is now feuding with. No offence to Tom Green but when you do a movie making light of child molestation, masturbate a horse and an elephant (in the same film no less) you really don’t have any right to be offended by someone joking about your cancer. It disheartened me to know that there are SNL fans who don’t know of the Super Bowl Shuffle. I mean, do you people ever go outside or anything? This had a lot of potential, as all skits involving Jim McMahon wearing a headband usually does I don’t watch American Idol since I consider it to be one of the dumbest shows ever (and I watch and enjoy Full House so that’s saying something) but damn- Paula has a really nice rack. And of course this skit gets bonus points and a gold star for mentioning MC Skat Cat. On System of a Down: WHY DOES THIS BAND HAVE TO PLAY SO GOD DAMN LOUD? I MEAN THERE IS MORE TO SINGING A SONG THEN JUST SHOUTING INTO THE MICROPHONE AND YELLING THE ‘F’ WORD. On that Mother’s Day Skit: This was like Crash only without the social commentary on racism in our society and Jennifer Esposito’s tits. WILL FERRELL’S RETURN TO SNL AND THIS IS THE BEST THEY CAN COME UP WITH??? SNL MUST DIE! If this baby gets Tina off Update and maybe off the show then I promise to never say another bad thing about Jeff Richmond again. I promise.

PART ONE: Introduction, Recap of Top 20 Moments, #1 Moment, Tributes, Sports Review of Braves and Saints: SNL Review: Lindsay Lohan/Coldplay Hello and welcome to my review of Lindsay Lohan/Coldplay. This is no ordinary review though. This is my 100th straight review, and it marks 5 years of reviewing SNLs full time. I grew from someone who just wrote these things off the top of my head Sunday afternoon to someone who if I say so myself, writes pretty damn good reviews of the show. To celebrate, I’ve made this review a complete look back of not only this past SNL season, but the past 5 years of SNL in particular. My usual features that I put in my finales are all here but I’ve added a lot more, cause this review is really special to me. My goal was to make this 100 pages. I never exactly knew how to make this review 100 pages, I just thought it’d be real cool. I began planning for it early on and began writing in March. I’d write a little bit each day. This review is much longer then I ever intended or dreamed of. If you’re amazed at how long this, well I’m amazed at how much I can write. I didn’t cheat either. Everything that it’s in here, I think deserves to be in here. You might disagree, but it keeps with the tradition of my previous finale reviews and I think the look back at SNL’s past 5 seasons is a fun read. If you don’t read all of this or even 80% of it, that’s okay. I do hope you find something you like, even if it’s just the review of the show. If you want to know what the 43rd greatest musical performance over the past 5 years was, well this is the review for you. So sit back in your computer chair and enjoy. I hope you have as much fun reading this as I did writing it. A special thank you goes out to Marc Jennings for providing me with tapes, snltranscripts.jt.org for being an invalueable resource, Sean Hoagland for helping me with my horrible math, Sean Bradley, Jordan Davidson and the SmartMarks Forums for letting me post my reviews at their sites. And a special thanks to anyone who ever wrote into the mailbag or a left a comment, postive or negative. I might not have always listened but your words helped shape this monstrosity of a review. Now let’s begin: I had spent the whole summer keeping up with ESPN’s top 100 moments list, and their top 25 specials every week on TV. With my 100th review coming up, I thought doing my top 20 moments of the past 4 seasons would be an interesting look. I know four seasons is not a lot to look back on but you can’t deny that all these moments here were awesome. There’s some stuff I had to leave off of course. The Christmas song, The Hardball from Walken, a ton of Fallon-Fey Update stuff, the Rudolph cartoon are all moments I considered putting on there. Ultimately, it’s been great looking at back at some of my favourite moments that I reviewed: Top 20 Moments in SNL from September 2000-May 2004, a look back: Here’s a recap of the top 20 in case you missed it: 20. Steve Martin, Britney Spears and Will Ferrell all cameo on Weekend Update Martin, Spears and Ferrell help jumpstart SNL again which was in the midst of a two month slump by all having memorable cameos in the same Update. Kudos go to Steve Martin for doing a cameo of perfect regular cameo length. 19. Smigel manages to offend all with Saddam and Osama The best cartoon Smigel’s ever done sees him somehow managing to offend everyone on the planet by doing a cartoon show featuring Saddam and Osama as superheroes fighting the villainous Americans and Jews. 18. Tina and Jimmy give Rudy Guiliani an interesting send off With his mayoral term coming to end, Tina and Jimmy pay tribute to Mayor Guiliani by singing him a song with Tina playing the role of New York City and Jimmy playing the role of the mayor. 17. Jim Carrey jumps on stage and plays the guitar…with his leg In the same episode as the three Update cameos, Jim Carrey jumps on stage in the midst of the Foo Fighters performance of “Times Like These’ and plays the guitar with his leg. Then he leaves- his work done. 16. Can you say you’re sorry to Bill for being a douchebag? Justin Timberlake lives out a lifelong dream by singing with Kermit. Unfortunately, he gets to close to Kermit, words are exchanged, kicks are thrown and we get the infamous quote said above. 15. Will Ferrell rides in on a tiny motorised scooter with a ridiculously small phone A hilarious skit called Jefferies officially becomes memorable when out of nowhere, well, Will Ferrell rides in on a tiny motorised scooter with a ridiculously small phone. 14. Chris Parnell gets stabbed 33 times with a trident In the midst of abusing his fellow co-workers, angry boss Will Ferrell is visited by an ex-employee looking for vengeance. The ensuing scuffle has Will Ferrell winning- by stabbing him 33 times with a trident. Thank you faulty blood capsules! 13. U2 rocks 8H Instead of just giving an amazing performance and leaving it at that, Bono decides to run around 8H, freak out the cameraman, pay tribute to John Lennon and jump on top of a table. Now that’s a memorable musical guest performance. 12. McCain sings Babs John McCain shows that a great host can be anyone with his memorable performance in here. McCain warbles Barbara Streisand songs since she thinks she can do his job and the kicker- all the sales from McCain sings Babs will go to damage the Alaskan wilderness. 11. Good God! I don’t even know who that’s offensive too! Harry Belafonte, John Aschroft and a member of the ACLU show up to discuss the latest issues on terrorism. Belafonte saying “Osama Bin Laden is an Uncle Tom,” is what caused Chris Matthews to say the above quote. 10. Tell me more, tell me more tell me more Jimmy gets his send-off in a Grease inspired skit featuring him and Tina teasing a kiss but not sealing the deal at the last minute. Darrell standing in the background doing nothing is arguably the highlight. 9. Mr Subliminal caps off amazing Update After a year of great Updates and blowing away everyone’s expectations, Jimmy and Tina in the season finale of year one manage to finally have a perfect WU capped off by Tina’s greatest joke and cameos by Winona Ryder and Kevin Nealon. 8. Bush returns, responds to 9/11 President Bush makes his return to SNL in a hilarious yet somewhat emotional cold opening, less then a month after the 9/11 attacks. SNL perfectly captures the tone of the country and their feelings towards Bush with this cold opening. 7. A kangaroo does Will Ferrell in the ass Hugh Jackman’s recounting of the Christmas Kangaroo starts out as a unique story of an Australian Christmas but soon turns into Will Ferrell getting nailed in the ass by the kangaroo- and really really liking it. 6. If Boston rooted for gravity we’d all be floating 3 inches off the ground Seth Meyers makes a name for himself with this hilarious commentary on the bad luck of Boston fans and the new post 9/11 camaraderie between the Yankees and Sox. Anyone wishing to hit Roger Clemens in the groin with a fungo bat is good enough for me. 5. Debbie Downer SNL’s most famous skit of the season 2003-2004 season sees Rachel Dratch unable to contain her laughter as she plays a woman who always says depressing things at the wrong time. This is worth watching if only to see Lindsay Lohan’s hilarious performance. 4. Lock box SNL spoofs the first debate between Al Gore and George W. Bush and end up becoming the place for political commentary throughout the 2000 election. Critics hail both Darrell Hammond’s dead on Al Gore impression and Ferrell’s very funny interpretation of Bush. They manage to keep viewers and laughing as the election drags on and on and on. 3. Can we be funny? Why start now? Just 18 days after the attacks on September 11th, SNL pays tribute in an emotional cold opening that features Paul Simon singing “The Boxer”. The show must go on however, as Rudy Guiliani shows in a memorable zing to Lorne Michaels. 2. As a mother of two, which I am not With lots of anticipation, the Fallon Fey era kicks off with a great debut. Tina does her first ever rant (about Britney Spears’ ass), Tim Meadows makes his last ever appearance and we get the debut of Rap Street. It was definitely a sign that great Updates were to come. AND NOW THE #1 MOMENT IN SNL HISTORY FROM SEPTEMBER 2000-MAY 2004- 1. I do hate black people Will Ferrell was named Most Annoying New Cast Member after his first week at SNL in 1995 in Entertainment Weekly. And he ended up with probably the greatest tribute a castmember could get. Will Ferrell had been a long time favourite with SNL fans ever since his debut in 1995 with popular skits like the Roxburys and the Spartans. SNL fans also really loved the off the wall skits he would do, especially skits that had him yelling. From the Bad Doctor to Get Off the Bag to the Angry Boss, Will was a great mix of popular recurring characters and offbeat and sometimes bizarre skits that were also wickedly funny. 2000 was when Will started to get attention in the mainstream. The Cowbell skit in the Christopher Walken soon became a huge favourite of SNL fans and non-fans and that fall, Will gained even more mainstream attention with his impression of George W. Bush. Bush subsequently getting elected, meant that the show often led off with Ferrell’s hilarious impression. After 9/11, Ferrell, showing his genius, crafted his Bush impression to appeal to the nation’s conscience at the time. He was that good. 2001-2002 was not Will’s best year. He still had some memorable skits like Patriotic Shorts (which I didn’t like) and his Bush impression was better then ever, but he was missing something without writing partner Adam McKay. Will also missed three shows shooting the movie Old School. Before the Kirsten Dunst show, Will announced he was leaving the show after the season. The Winona Ryder season finale turned into a tribute of sorts to him. Alex Trebek and Neil Diamond made cameos and Will did his Luvahs character. But it was the final skit where we would learn how much Will truly meant to SNL. THE MOMENT: Ana Gasteyer is up first and she says she is going to miss Will and he brought joy to everyone. Jimmy Fallon goes next and says: Jimmy Fallon: It was hard for me to work with Will because every time I was in a sketch with him, he made me laugh. I probably ruined a lot of sketches, but I don't care - I got to be on stage with Will Ferrell. That’s awesome. Maya and Rachel say some kind words next. Darrell calls him the most talented performer he ever worked with and Horatio says, “They broke the mold when they made that guy.” Chris Parnell goes up with a very nice story about Will: Chris Parnell: True story: this show fired me. Then they rehired me. First time that ever happened. Will Ferrell made that happen. How can I ever repay that? He was more than a great performer. He was my friend. Tina also has an awesome quote about Will: Tina Fey: I loved watching Will in a bad sketch, one that didn't get any laughs, because he never gave up. He was the most fearless performer I've ever seen. It should be noted, I saw the dress of this and a lot of people were tearing up and getting very emotional. Who knew Will meant so much to many? Kattan says some stuff but we’ll move on. It’s now Tracy Morgan’s turn to pay a heartfelt tribute to his friend Will Ferrell. Tracy steps up to the plate and unleashes a hilarious rant that tells the whole word about the real Will Ferrell. Tracy Morgan: [ in a different tone from the others ] I got a story! I got a interesting story about the time Will Ferrell stole my Walkman out my dressing room. He doesn't know I know, but I know! I know a lot of stuff about Will Ferrell. Like the fact that he's a cold, thievin', selfish, evil dude! And don't be thinkin' he helped save Chris Parnell's job, 'cause everybody around here knows he actually got Parnell fired, and tried to get his brother Patty Ferrell on the show! He smiles right up to your face, and two seconds later he go and talk behind you back to Lorne Michaels! Here's something - he gave a cigarette to my kid, my boy, my eight-year-old boy! That ain't right! Will is messed up in the head! He's cheatin' on his wife, he's always lookin' to get his freak on. It's sick! And I tell you something else - this may come as a little shock to you, but Will Ferrell hates the black man! He always has! From the moment I walked in this place, he's been eyeing me like I'm suspicious or something! I know it! He's not comfortable with black people, uh-uh, that's because he's a racist! Will Ferrell is headed for a huge fall! You'll see! The backlash is coming, baby! It's coming! People are gonna find out Will Ferrell is a loser! (It should be noted that in dress, they cut out a line claiming Will was the reason Dean Edwards didn’t get any screentime, which is a shame, since that’s probably the funniest line ever) Will then enters and Tracy immediately becomes all nice and friendly. Tracy says he was just telling a story about Will and he just didn’t want Will to go. Will then fesses up to taking his Walkman and hating black people and Tracy invites him to a strip club. We get this great emotional heartfelt exchange between Will and Tracy to end Will’s SNL career. Will Ferrell: I like the way you think. Tracy Morgan: For a black man? Will Ferrell: For my friend. In the goodnights, the cast was very emotional as they knew they had just done their last show with Will Ferrell. SNL would still go on, and still be very funny, but there’d always be something missing- cause Will was no longer there. His presence has been missed. In Memoriam 2005: Rodney Dangerfield- I saw Ladybugs as a kid and liked it. I loved Rodney’s one liners and he seemed like such a cool guy. I’ll miss him a lot- Back to School owned and he did a lot for young standups- that’s something I’ll always admire. Christopher Reeves- I met him at my movie theatre and went to shake his hand. Two weeks later I was fired. Yasser Arafat: I could complain that his death wasn’t more painful or gory enough- but really nit-picking over the death of a terrorist is just nit-picking for the sake of nit-picking. Burn in hell you terrorist pigfucker. Jerry Orbach: I’ve watched way too many Law and Order reruns for one lifetime and I loved Lenny Briscoe like everyone else. From his wisecrack remarks to him turning up the heat when need be- he was the perfect character for the show. I was really looking forward to watching Law and Order: Trial by Jury as well. He’ll be missed. Johnny Carson: I totally forgot to pay tribute to him last week, which is my bad. I was too young to watch him on the Tonight Show but I’ve always enjoyed the clips I’ve seen on TV and hey- without Johnny there’d be no SNL. And the jokes he wrote for David Letterman were pretty funny. He’ll be missed. Johnnie Cochran: Okay- so maybe he wasn’t the most likeable guy in the world, but he got OJ Simpson off, spawned a popular and funny character on Seinfeld and helped give Norm endless material to work with. It’s a shame that the only SNL he got to see live was the Sharpton episode. Pope John Paul II: I’m not a Catholic but Pope John Paul always seemed like a good man with strong beliefs. While I didn’t agree with everything he said, I admired him for having the ability to touch all the lives that he did. The PopeMobile was also pretty badass. RIP Pope John Paul II- we’ll miss you. Chris Candido: I didn’t follow Chris’ career as much as others did but I always loved him as Skip in WWF. I was glad to hear that he was getting life back in order and that he got a gig in TNA. The fact that he died from something so random right when things were going well, is just very unfortunate. Sports Year in Review- Atlanta Braves- As SNL’s 30th season began, the Braves found themselves in a familiar position. They had already clinched their 13th straight division title and eliminated the Cubs from playoff contention that day. The Braves winning the title was remarkable considering they were left for dead June after getting in a bad slump. But in typical Tomahawk Team fashion, they pulled themselves together and went on a tear in the second half of the season and ended up easily clinching another division title. Chipper Jones has a strong second half and as usual the Braves pitching staff was able to pull themselves together and make something happen. Their opponent in the first round would be the Houston Astros led by the 1-2 combination of Roger Clemens and Roy Oswalt. It was set to be a tough series as the Braves would have to overcome two dominant aces to win. Game 1 saw Clemens facing off against Jaret Wright. Wright had been another one of Leo Mazzone’s reclamation projects as he had done nothing in baseball in 1997. Wright’s stats started to stumble towards the end of the year but I was confident he’d get the job done. Plus my hatred of Clemens made me really want to see him get the job done. The Braves struck first in the first inning but in the Astros broke it open in the 3rd off two home runs and a Bagwell RBI. The Braves were unable to take advantage of Clemens’ uncharacteristic sloppiness thanks to postseason inexperience from their rookies. The Astros put the game away in the 5th thanks to Carlos bleeping Beltran and more timely hitting. Jaret Wright had a horrible game and while Clemens wasn’t much better, he was able to stop the Braves from getting the runs they needed. The Braves had Mike Hampton on the mound, facing a 20 game winner. Hampton had a horrible first half, but like the rest of the Braves managed to pull himself together and have a great second half. Now the Braves looked to him to save the season. He got off to an inauspicious start by giving up a home run to Jeff Bagwell. In the third he gave up another home run. Oswalt was dominant and the Braves could never get anything going against him. Finally in the 7th, the Braves were able to get something done as Rafal Furcal came through with a timely single. On a funny side note, (well I guess it’s not funny if you’re in MADD) Raffy had been arrested a couple times for drunk driving and was headed off to jail. The stipulation was that he’d be going to jail when the Braves’ postseason run was over. So Raffy desperately wanted to go as far as possible. Garner made the mistake of going to his closer too early on the game, and the Braves pounced on that 8th. The Braves got some guys on base but like an idiot JD Drew got caught stealing. Thankfully, Estrada got a key single and LaRoche doubled in the tying run. Smoltz gave the Braves three great innings but they couldn’t win the game, until the 11th. The Braves had a runner on 2nd with 2 outs and Raffy was at the plate. Not wanting to head to the Atlanta Penitentiary anytime soon, Raffy launched a home run and the Braves had tied up the series. In Game 3, the Braves immediately ran into trouble when John Thompson, who had been great down the stretch had a back injury that flared up and the Braves were forced to call upon Paul Byrd. Carlos Beltran continued to show why he was the bane of existence as he hit a two-run home run in the third. The Braves were able to tie it up in the next inning and the game remained tied until the 5th. The Astros continued to get big hits with two outs. It should be noted that two out rallies frustrate me like few things do. In the 6th it looked like the Astros were going to rally again but the Braves settled them down and got two outs. Then the Astros had ANOTHER bleeping two out rally and added on two more runs. The Braves response to stop this bleeding was to put in Chris Resuckma. Okay his name is Reitsma but since he can never do anything do anything right. And he promptly gave up another run and the Astros were up 8-2. Andruw Jones hit a three-run home run in the 8th that gave me some false hope. But in the 9th, the Braves went down 1-2-3 and the Astros now had a 2-1 lead with the Braves having to beat Roger Clemens and Roy Oswalt. Game 4 did not look good. The Rocket v. Russ Ortiz. I used to like Russ Ortiz but his style of pitching gave me a lot of ulcers. Ortiz seemed to never get comfortable until he had a couple guys on base, he had to make it difficult for himself. In the second half of the season, this strategy completely backfired and our #1 starter at the beginning of the season wasn’t even in the postseason rotation. Thanks to Thompson’s injury, Ortiz got his start and he showed us that Cox was right in his decision. Ortiz as usual, got too many people on base and allowed the Astros to get out of the inning. Then he somehow got out of the inning when Biggio got a foul pop. BUT WAIT! Thanks to some bullshit homerism rule at Enron Field, since the ball hit the top of the stadium it was ruled dead and Biggio got another shot. On the next pitch, he hit a three run home run. I shit you not. Ortiz then gave up a double to Carlos Beltran (seriously- come on) and another hit and the Braves were quickly down 5-2. The Braves were getting nowhere against Clemens and it was looking more and more like we were done. That was until Phil Garner, for whatever reason, decided to take Clemens out and hand the reigns over to the Astros bullpen. A single by Jones and a double by Andruw Jones with one out made me optimistic. Adam LaRoche was up and he hit a home run! TIE GAME!!!! The game was a stalemate after that. The Braves put Smoltz in the bottom of the 8th. The Astros had first and third with two outs, but Smoltz was able to save them and they went to the 9th. In the 9th, another critical mistake that Garner made was exposed. He put closer Brad Lidge in the game too early, and then had to pinch-hit for him in the 8th. This allowed the Braves to face a less superior pitcher in the top of the inning. I know I’m beating up on Garner here, but don’t worry- I’ll pick on Cox later. In the 9th, Garner didn’t look too much like an idiot at first as the Braves got two quick outs. Then the Atlanta Penitentiary’s latest inmate got hit by a pitch and stole second. One single and we were up 6-5 and needed Smoltz to save our ass. Smoltz made it a tight game though and the Astros got two hits and had runners on the corners with one outs and Jeff Kent up. Thankfully he got him to ground into double play and we were off to Atlanta for Game 5. Game 5 had Jaret Wright against Oswalt. I was hoping since this was a contract year and he was so good early in the season that Wright would have the game of his life and carry us into the LCS. Wright struggled a bit in the second inning as he pitched like Ortiz and gave up some runs on groundouts and sac flies. I wasn’t too concerned since those runs are easy to get back. In the third, Wright gave up a home run to Beltran. (I mean come on- why don’t we investigate him for steroids!) The Braves really didn’t want to lose and Raffy ‘Get the Keg’ Furcal and Johnny Estrada hit two home runs and suddenly it was a one-run game. Wright showed how much he wanted Atlanta to win by giving up ANOTHER home run to Beltran. What is with this guy?? The Braves were down 4-2 in the top of the 7th but I felt the game was far from over. That was until Cox made the mistake that cost us the series. He put in Chris Reitsma. You’re down 4-2 with the team still very much alive and the team determined not to lose and you put in the worst pitcher in the pen? The guy who always seems to give up runs and blow leads? A guy who just screams loser? When the Braves put in Resuckma my heart sank. And I knew. The Braves could’ve put in Paul Byrd, Tom Martin or Juan Cruz- all solid pitches who probably could’ve held the Astros scoreless. I was hoping Resuckma could prove me wrong and show he was a true Brave. Resuckma allowed a single but then had two outs with a runner on second. If he could get out of this inning, I knew we had a shot at coming back with our top of the order coming back. Then it all went bad. Craig Biggio got a single, 5-2 Astros. JD Drew had an error and Biggio went to third. Reitsma then faced Beltran and you know what happened- it was 6-2 Astros. Jeff Bagwell then essentially pissed all over the Braves season and Chris Reitsma by hitting a two-run home run. That was it for Reitsma as Bobby Cox finally had enough of him ruining the Braves chances and their shot at a title. Reitsma was replaced but in case we didn’t get the message, the Astros got another run before the 7th was over. Looking back, I still don’t understand why Cox had to put in Reitsma. The guy had an ERA of 4.07, but always seemed to be giving up runs and blowing games and just generally being a very ineffective pitcher. Why go to Mr. Ineffective when you desperately someone to protect a lead, especially in a game of this magnitude? I will concede that Drew and Chipper weren’t as effective as they should’ve been but when the Braves needed them, they came to play. When the Braves needed Smoltz, he showed up. When the Braves needed Jaret Wright, he wasn’t there for us and didn’t show us the pitching excellence he had for most of the season. And when then the Braves needed that piece of shit Chris Reitsma to just simply hold a lead and let us do some damage in the bottom half of the inning, he as he did all throughout August and September wilted under the pressure and screwed it up. His ERA during the 5 game series? 18.00. Way to go jackass. The Braves offseason wasn’t as bad as it had been in previous years. For some reason Reitsma was inexplicably brought back so that wasn’t good. The Braves starting pitching was dismantled again. Somehow Russ Ortiz convinced the Arizona Diamondbacks to give him 32 million and he was gone. I didn’t really care since he sucked the second half anyway. Jaret Wright somehow convinced the Yankees to give him 21 million and he was gone. I was bitter at Wright for blowing both games he pitched and didn’t think he was worth nearly that much for one good year so I accepted his loss. Paul Byrd also fled to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. The Braves decided to replace these guys with Horacio Ramirez and in a shocker- John Smoltz was sick of being in the bullpen and decided to rejoin the starting rotation. The Braves replaced him by trading for Dan Kolb. I’m still unsure about Smoltz in the starting rotation, but he knows better then I do. In the shocker of the off-season, the Braves traded for Tim Hudson. The Braves didn’t have to give up much since Hudson was in a walk year but in another shocker, Hudson agreed to resign for the team for below market value. With the Braves outfield gutted, the Braves brought back clutch hero Brian Jordan(yay) and Raul Mondesi (okay- maybe not) After the horrendous offseasons of 2002 and 2003, it was nice to see the Braves take steps to improve the team. Aside from not an elite bullpen and a leaky outfield, the Braves look to have all the holes covered to make a run in 2005. If they do make the playoffs again, hopefully Cox will not put Chris Reitsma in difficult situations. With the Braves eliminated from the playoffs, I was free to turn my attention to the other team I have a vested interested in: The Yankees. My loyal readers (and if you’re reading this- then you are a loyal reader), know that I hate the Yankees with an unbridled passion. This caused the Red Sox to be my favourite AL team. Now to put the disclaimer out there, I’m not a die-hard Sox fan or anything. I just enjoy seeing them win and when the Braves are out, I cheer for them. And since the Red Sox run for the World Series became my life for a few weeks and I want to get to 100 pages (at least I’m honest) I figured I would take a look at that as well. I remember being so excited for those first two games at Yankee Stadium. I made myself big meals for dinner so I could be nice and full as I watched Boston kick the Yankees ass. Game 1 saw Boston get perfect gamed until the 7th inning. They then had a teasing rally and got within 8-7 until the Yankees got two in the 8th and put it away. What was troubling was that Curt Schilling, who is like Mr. Postseason, had a horrible game. We all know the story behind that. I wasn’t too worried and figured the Sox could take care of Jon Lieber. Game 2 played out kind of like Game 1 but more heartbreaking. The Yankees jumped out to an early lead and Boston came back after not doing anything for most of the game. Rivera blew a save in the top of the 9th ,which gave me some false hope. Then just like in every other Yankee game I’ve seen, Derek bleeping Jeter hit a home run and it was 2-0 Yankees. I decided to buck my excitement that I had for the first two games that I had for Game 3. No big meals, no anticipation- I didn’t want to jinx anything. The Yankees did the jinxing for me by scoring 3 runs in the first. Boston answered back with 4 in the second inning and I felt after they answered back another Yankee three run inning with two of their own. Then the Yankees got 7 runs in two innings and I was done with this team. I questioned how this team could continually let their fans down and lose to the Yankees. It didn’t seem right. I still wanted Boston to win and all, but I didn’t believe the comeback was possible. I went to a Sting concert the night of Game 4 and I didn’t feel bad missing it. I mean, I was still going to root Boston but it was with the sinking dread that I knew the Yanks were gonna close the door soon. I came back in the bottom of the 8th with the Sox losing again. I cursed baseball and wondered why the postseason always has to not workout for me. I almost turned it off after the Sox went down but I knew that as someone who did root for them, it was my duty to watch until the final out. Go down with the ship per se. Then we had the magical 9th inning. Millar drawing the walk, Rivera trying to pick Roberts off 392 times and Roberts stealing and Mueller batting him in. I was excited but not totally optimistic. I’ve watched way too many Yankee games to bet against them. The Yankees having the bases juiced in the 11th gave me a heart attack but thankfully Boston escaped and then finally in the bottom of the 12th- BIG PAPI!~ meant Boston was going to live another day. Thankfully my friends made sure my door was closed so I could go crazy and celebrate. What more can I say about Game 5 other then that it has to be the best baseball game I’ve ever seen. After missing the first inning in game 4 and Boston winning, I decided to intentionally miss the first inning in Game 5. You laugh now but it worked. My favourite non-favourite moment in Game 5 was how they kept harping on how once Pedro gets to 100 he breaks down and gives it up. So of course on his 100th pitch, Jeter gets a double and it’s 4-2 Yankees. In the bottom of the 8th, we had the same story as in Game 4. Papi gets a home run, Roberts gets on the base paths, Rivera comes in, Rivera blows the save and Roberts scores. Tie game. Now is when the game got interesting. The 9th inning was the first sign that maybe the Yankees had lost their magic. They had a runner on 1st when Tony Clark drilled the ball to the corner for what would be an easy run. BUT WAIT! Somehow the ball bounced into the outfield, ground rule double and the runner was stuck at 3rd. Foulke got the next guy out and we were soon headed to extra innings. What made Game 5 even more exciting was that I watched the tail end of the game on the phone with a friend, who was a big Sox fan. Every bat became more important because of it. Extra innings in Game 5 made me believe there was some Sox magic. Somehow the Yankees kept coming up and kept sitting down. The Sox seemed to have chance after chance in every inning and kept blowing it, and the Yankees weren’t pouncing on them! Take the bottom of the 11th: Boston has runners on first and second with 0 outs but Jesus screws up the bunt, next at bad is a GIDP- and they don’t get burned for it! The 12th saw Manny get another error- but Jeter and A-Rod continued to do nothing. The bottom half saw David Ortiz attempt to steal. That went about as well as you’d expect. The top of the 13th had to be the most gutwrenching inning I’ve ever seen. Wakefield was pitching and he throws knuckleballs. Unfortunately, Jason Varitek has trouble catching knuckleballs. This seemed like an inning that Sox fans would talk about whenever they do a Curse of the Bambino tirade. Wakefield struck out Gary Hitler Sheffield but he got Matsui on base. Matsui was able to go to second on a passed ball. It was obvious that on each pitch, Varitek was having trouble catching the knuckle. Posada was walked and with runners on first and second, Varitek had ANOTHER passed ball and now Matsui was on third. Red Sox Nation, Pinstripe Palace and Yankee Haters all head their breath but somehow Varitek was able to hang onto the ball and Wakefield got Rueben Sierra out. Boston used all this inspiration to go 1-2-3 in the next inning and the Yankees went 1-2-3 giving Boston another chance in the bottom of the 14th. Boston was able to get two walks and then like he did earlier in the day, BIG PAPI!~ got a base hit and Boston won again! I was mentally drained and I couldn’t believe that somehow these Red Sox were still alive. We had seen two amazing games over two days and you began to think that maybe the Sox could come back. Game 6 is the infamous bloody ankle game where Curt Schilling had some elaborate new procedure blah blah blah, the bottom line is that there was blood leaking through his ankle. I’ll never understand why the Yankees didn’t just bunt or do something to get him off his game. Like with Game 5, I made sure I missed the first inning. Game 6 was another sign that the Yankees magic was fading and that the Sox finally had some luck on their side. Mark Belhorn, who couldn’t seem to buy a hit the first five games, hit a ball that was ruled a ground rule double. The people at the bar I was with were fuming that it was a home run. The umps got together and ruled it was a home run- 4-0 Sox! Meanwhile despite having blood leaking through his ankle (come on!) Schilling was amazing and kept shutting down the Yankees. In the bottom of the 8th, we got the moment that truly showed that the Yankees magic was dead. Derek Jeter had singled in a run making it 4-2 and I was nervous, especially with A-Rod and Gary Hitler Sheffield coming up. A-Rod got a groundball but somehow the ball came loose, he was safe, the ball rolled into the dugout, Jeter scored and it’s 4-3 Sox. I was incensed at this point and couldn’t believe the Yankees were probably going to come back and win. And then a bartender’s words gave me new hope. They showed the replay of A-Rod slapping the ball out of the guy’s hands and the bartender said, “Are you allowed to do that?” I began to think and realise that no; you probably cannot do that. Then the umpires must have thought the same thing as they were conferring and suddenly a miracle occurred- the call was overturned! A-Rod was out, Jeter had to go back to first and Yankee fans were losing it and throwing crap on the field. It truly was beautiful to finally see Yankee fans losing control and not being able to watch their team piss away what was once a 3-0 lead. And then in the next at-bat, that bitch Gary Hitler Sheffield fouled out to the catcher. It was funny seeing Yankee fans have to deal with that piece of shit unable to get hits when it mattered like he did with us. It was also funny in Game 5 seeing Pedro brush Matsui back and tell him who owns the plate and then Matsui seemingly being unable to do anything for the rest of the series. The Yankees losing to Arizona was just amazing because they finally had gotten theirs, the Yankees losing to Anaheim was just funny and the Yankees losing to the Fish was just depressing since I hate the Marlins. Watching the Yankees, the team known for being so cool under pressure and a team that just got the job done, completely collapsing and crumbling under the pressure was a joy to see. The bottom of the 9th almost gave me my 56th heart attack of the series. Keith Foulke came into the game and ended up walking two batters. With two outs, Tony Clark (Who?) stepped up with a chance to send the Yankees to the World Series. That’s the thing about the Yankees. Yes, Tony Clark is pretty much a nameless bum but as someone who watched the Yankees have stupid miracle year after year, even Tony Clark put the fear of God in me. But this was a different Yankee team. They were beatable and seemed to be unable to stop their collapse. I freaked out for every pitch but eventually Clark had a bad looking K and we were going to a 7th game. This series had reached new levels of insanity. Just a couple days ago, I questioned how anyone could root for a team that seems to revel in disappointing its fanbase, and now they were about to complete the greatest comeback in history. I could barely sleep that night knowing the next day I would possibly be seeing the Yankees, the team I hate more then anything, have the biggest collapse in baseball history. The team that personified winning was now personifying collapsing like a bunch of bitches. A lot of people I talked to, told me not to worry, Boston had this game wrapped up. I wanted to think that but I had bet against the Yankees way too many times to bet against them now. I kept thinking to myself- I can’t see either team winning this game because I can’t see either team losing this game. I mean Boston had come too far just to blow it in Game 7. But then again, this is the Yankees. They always find ways to give other teams hope and then just rip it up in the most gutwrenching way possible. Surely they’re not going to lose a Game 7 in front of their home crowd. Kevin Brown was starting for the Yankees. Brown, who made an absurd amount of money, was traded for Jeff Weaver who had pretty much become the most hated pitcher in Yankees history. Now, Brown was about to take that mantle. Per my superstition (gone 3-0 so far) I did not watch the first inning but kept track of it via Gameday at MLB.com. Right after the game started, I received excited IMs telling me that Jesus had singled and already stolen second. Unfortunately, Jesus tried to go home on another base hit and was thrown out. Jesus had been struggling for much of the series and this was another black mark against him. But then BIG PAPI!~ made me forget about all that with a two-run home run. 2-0 Red Sox and the boos were starting to come down. Brown would not make it out of the second inning. After a quick groundout, Brown gave up a single and two walks. That was it for him. Brown had thrown 1 1/3, 44 pitches and left to a chorus of boos. Javier Vasquez entered the game now. Vasquez had been an underrated pitcher for the Montreal Expos and had started out fine for the Yankees, but then flatlined and had a horrific second half. I still wonder why he, and not Brown didn’t start the game, because of injury rumours surrounding Brown. Anyway, Vasquez was facing Jesus. The guy who was 3-26 going into the game and had constantly let Boston down. Now he was up with the bases loaded and a chance to do some real damage, or let Boston fans down again. Facing Vasquez I awaited with baited breath to see what he would do. I didn’t have to wait long. On the first pitch: JESUS HITS A GRAND SLAM!!!!! Just like that it was a 6-0 Red Sox and I was going crazy watching the Yankees completely self destruct. I knew not to get too cocky since the Yankees could have their stupid miracles at any times. The Yankees got a run in the bottom of the 3rd but not to worry- Jesus answered back with ANOTHER home run. What the hell was going on here? Boston was countering every Yankee move. Anytime something bad happened to Boston or something kinda good started happening to the Yankees, boom! Boston would answer right back and squash any hope the Yanks had. That’s why this series was so surreal. Things were pretty dead until the 7th until Terry Francona made a stupid movie and put Pedro Martinez in. This woke up the dead Yankee crowd and also woke up the Yankees. I have no idea why Francona did this. Before the game started, the Yankees had Bucky Dent throw out the first pitch. Now I thought this was a needless dick waving move at the Sox and now it was biting them in the ass. Francona’s move also bit him in the ass as Pedro gave up two runs. I began thinking. 2003 was WHY DIDN’T GRADY TAKE PEDRO OUT? Would 2004 be WHY DID TERRY PUT PEDRO IN??? Luckily Pedro was able to get out of the inning and the Sox had a 5 run lead. Then in the top of the 8th, Mark Belhorn hit a home run that ended the Yankees dynasty. I always found it to be symbolic that his home run hit the foul pole and made this big CLANG noise. To me that clang noise was the symbolic ending of the Yankees dynasty and their dominance over the American League. Everytime it looked that Yankee magic was starting to rare up, Boston always had an answer. From Roberts stealing second two games in a row, Papi’s heroics, the ground rule double, Varitek unable to catch the knuckler until the end, more of Papi’s heroics, the bloody ankle, the overturned home run, A Rod’s Gay Slap of Death, Jesus’ grand slam, Jesus’ other home run, that clang symbolised it all. Farewell Curse of Bambino. What Boston did that in Game 7 was basically pissing all over Babe Ruth’s face. It was beautiful. I loved every minute of it. Throughout Game 4 Fox seemed to take great pleasure in getting shot after shot of sad Sox fans. In Game 7 the tables were turned and I got to see tons of Yankee fans with pained expressions on their face. And as the game wore on and the Yankees showed no fight, I think I heard pro-Boston chants. Amazing! I’m just amazed that in my lifetime I got to witness the greatest comeback in baseball history. Game 3-Game 7 was the most gutwrenching 5 days of the baseball season for me. Filled with dizzying highs and horrifying lows and for once it seemed like the baseball Gods were smiling on me. I could talk about the World Series but why bother. (Well to fill 100 pages) I mean St. Louis played like shit. In the first two games, Boston wasn’t that great either and at times it seemed like they were trying to give them a game but St. Louis just wouldn’t take the bait. To quote some woman on one of the 9 million Sox documentaries: “We’ve waited 86 years and it’s THIS easy?” I remember Game 4 and them winning. That was really sweet to see. I woke up my whole floor screaming when Boston won. I was just amazed that in my lifetime, I saw the Curse ended. So the baseball season didn’t work out the way I truly wanted it to. The Braves getting bounced in the first round really sucked and it took a while for me to get over Reitsma and Wright gagging the series for us. But thanks to a terrific Boston v. NY series and getting to see the Curse end, it was much easier to get over. I mean hey, the Braves may have gagged it in the first round, but I got to see the Boston Red Sox celebrate on the field at Yankee Stadium. It really doesn’t get much better then that. New Orleans Saints- There weren’t really any expectations for the 2004 New Orleans Saints. People had seen them underachieve for the past couple of years and I don’t think anything big out of them- and for part of the season, the Saints critics were right. When SNL’s 30th season began, the Saints were 2-1 and on a two game winning streak. Until they ran into the elite NFL team known as the Arizona Cardinals. Okay well the Cardinals suck but the Saints have this unique ability to play horribly against the worst NFL team. The Saints rushing defence doomed them here as they let ageing Emmitt Smith torch them for a big game. While Aaron Brooks had a solid game it was obvious he was missing Deuce McCallister. The Saints had Deuce back for their next game but it didn’t matter as the Saints could not beat a Bucs team starting Chris Simms and Brian Griese. I think the Saints were doomed before the game started due to Tampa’s winless record. Deuce had a good game but he was still recovering from his injury and he had a fumble that led to a Tampa TD. Down 20-7, the Saints attempted a late comeback but an INT by Aaron Brooks sealed the deal and the Saints lost their second straight. The Saints then had a tough date against the Minnesota. Converting on third down was the story of this game. The Saints couldn’t do it, while the Vikings did it too well. The Saints spent the whole game playing catch-up- anytime they would start to make it close, the Vikings would just score again and ended up piling on 605 yards. The Saints had now lost three straight and faced a must-win game against the Oakland Raiders. The Saints defence once again allowed too many yards but Deuce McAllister got the yards when it mattered. The Saints had a 21-9 lead going into the fourth quarter and despite a valiant effort by Oakland, the Saints got a late touchdown and were able to hold on and go into their bye week 3-4. The month of November was not a good month for Saints fans. You would think after their bye week and their big win that it would give them some momentum- but it really didn’t. The Saints headed out to San Diego and got their ass kicked. San Diego jumped out to a 17-0 lead and while the Saints tried to battle back, stupid mistakes (a penalty in the end zone!) and ineffective play by Brooks gave San Diego the green light to pile on the points. The Saints defence was its usual horrible self as they ended up losing by 26 points. The next week the Saints had to play Kansas City, another team known for its good offence. The Saints fell behind early but were able to battle back and hang on thanks to timely field goal kicking from Carney. Kansas City tied it up early in the 4th but Aaron Brooks picked the right time to get his only TD pass of the game and the Saints were able to hang on and win. The Saints defence continued to let them down as they played horribly the next week against Denver. Denver jumped out to a 20-0 first quarter lead and effectively end the game right there. Denver then spent the next three quarters just sitting back and watching the Saints offence sputter and Aaron Brooks throw three INTs. The Saints had fallen to 4-6 and their playoff hopes were in serious jeopardy. The next week, in what seemed like a must-win game at the time, the Saints lost a heartbreaker to Atlanta. In typical Saints fashion they were down 17-6 at halftime as their defence and quarterback were at their typical ineffective levels. The Saints cut the lead to a field goal going into the fourth as their defence stepped up and their offence got a touchdown and a conversion and they began the fourth quarter by getting another touchdown and taking a 21-17 lead. With three minutes left and the Falcons at the 6, the Saints were able to recover a fumble. On the ensuing drive, Atlanta correctly used its timeouts so not much time would be taken off the clock and were able to get the ball back with two minutes left. Michael Vick and Alge Crumpler then went to work breaking Saints fans hearts as it only took two plays for the Falcons to find the endzone and take the lead. The Saints had 1:22 to do something with the ball but Aaron Brooks was his usual ineffective self and threw lots of incompletions and ended the game by throwing an INT. The Saints were now 4-7. I guess assuming the season was done and maybe wanting to get Coach Haslett fired, the Saints looked like they wanted to quit in their next game against Carolina. Deuce McAllister had a horrible game and Aaron Brooks wasn’t much better- throwing three interceptions. The Saints fell behind 23-0 and couldn’t even muster a half-assed comeback. Carolina simply kicked their ass for 60 minutes. There was increasing speculation that Haslett would be fired soon. The Saints headed to Texas to play the Cowboys with all of this weighing on their mind. The first quarter made it seem like we were getting the same old Saints as they fell behind 10-0. Something seemed to snap in the Saints midway through the 2nd as some timely running by Deuce helped them tie the game at halftime. They were still tied going into the fourth quarter and that’s when the Saints took over. Dallas had ineffective drive after ineffective and the Saints were able to capitalise as Deuce kept moving the chains and running down the clock with his effective runs. The Saints soon got two touchdowns and finally ended their losing streak- and saved Coach Haslett’s job for a week at least. Thanks to a weak NFC, the Saints slim playoff hopes were still very much alive. Every game was a must-win as they headed into Tampa. The game began on a great note for New Orleans as Aaron Stecker returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown. The momentum was short lived however as Tampa Bay responded with a touchdown of their own. The Saints seemed to quit again after that as every drive seemed to end with a punt. The Saints were down by 10 with 5 minutes to go. The Saints got an awesome punt return by Michael Bidwell that put them at the goal line and they immediately capitalised by getting a touchdown and making it 17-14. The Saints seemed intent on winning the game and a Tampa fumble gave them the ball back with 3:19 left. On 3rd and 12 with the game on the line, Aaron Brooks got a miracle 13 yard run to put the Saints back in business. The Saints wide receivers helped out and they found themselves in the end zone with a 21-17 lead and soon won the game. The Saints got lucky in their next game. They were playing a Falcons team that had clinched everything that was left to clinch so it was resting most of its starters- including Michael Vick. Atlanta’s replacement was very ineffective and while Brooks wasn’t much better- Deuce was able to rush for more then a 100 yards. Atlanta was never really able to get their offence going and the Saints held on for a 26-13 win and were now 7-8. Somehow a team that was left for dead midway through the season had pulled themselves together and were now closing in on a playoff spot. Haslett, once thought to be headed for the unemployment line, was now possibly headed for the playoffs. The Saints had to beat Carolina and hope that the Jets would not lose to the Rams. There were other scenarios but after Washington beat Minnesota- this became the feasible one. Beat Carolina and have the Jets win. The Saints came into this game determined not to lose. Deuce had another monster game and Aaron Brooks amazingly did not throw an interception. The Saints took a 7-3 lead at the end of the first, helped out by a 71-yard run by Deuce. They had a 14-3 lead going into halftime thanks to more of Deuce’s magic and timely passes by Aaron Brooks. Things were looking good. They spent the rest of the game trying to ward off a rally by the Panthers. New Orleans and Carolina traded punts back and forth until midway through the third quarter. Carolina was able to get big third down plays and two passes later they found the end zone and made it a four point game. The Saints came right back. Two big passes by Brooks to Joe Horn and the Saints scored to make it 21-10. Carolina fumbled the next drive and it seemed like the Saints were in control going into the fourth quarter. Carolina was having trouble getting anything together until midway through the fourth quarter. Jake Delhomme said screw the running game and started bombing the ball down the field. They found the end zone and got the two-point conversion- now they were only down by a field goal. The Saints and Panthers both went three and out on their next two drives. The Saints were able to get some first downs on the next drive and got the clock down to 50 seconds. On Carolina’s final drive, Delhomme could only get them to the Saints 42 and the Saints were able to hold on and win the game. Now the Jets had to do their part. The Jets and Rams was a see-saw game with both teams trading leads and making big plays and also making dumb plays. The Jets botched a drive at the end of the fourth and had to settle for a field goal that tied the game going into overtime. The Jets seemed intent on not running the ball and just passing it in OT- which was a bad combination especially with inconsistent Chad Pennington at quarterback. They got down to the Rams 39 but bungled that and had to settle for a 50 yard field goal-which badly missed. The Rams capitalised on their good field position and marched down the field, kicked a field goal and ripped the heart out of every Saints fan hoping for a miracle playoff run. I want to blame the Jets and I do have a bit of reason to but I know that the Saints horrible start doomed then from the beginning. They didn’t become inspired until their backs were truly against the wall and when they needed it to- their defence and Aaron Brooks never seemed to be able to come up with the big stops or big plays that were needed. Haslett is being brought back, which I’m iffy about but hopefully the Saints can use their playoff push from last season to inspire them to actually making the playoffs. They just need to spend the offseason getting better players on defence and I think next year can be a definite improvement on last year’s team. This wasn’t a great season for the Saints- but they kept you guessing and hoping until the very end.

Constantly pointing out that the movie has Brad Pitt and Jolie doesn't help your point, it only hurts it in fact. Jolie hasn't had a hit film in years (not counting Shark Tale) and Pitt doesn't draw well domestically. More overseas. And 100 other summer films all have explosions and action- will they make 130 mil. And Mole's list forgot Final Fantasy which was a huge flop.

Spanglish bombed because it sucked a dick and was a terrible film. And Robert Jerk- Little Nicky was 5 years ago so that doesn't help your point. Spanglish was marketed as a family drama, not a Sandler comedy so that doesn't help your point either. Mr. and Mrs. Smith is going to be bomb, just like every other film with intense scruitny about people getting together seems to bomb.

8 Crazy Nights and.....?

You started a box office report thread after only one day

0 for 2

How much it gained from Thursday to Friday

CBright's a moron. That's how much it did on Friday. Can we delete this thread?

With the CSIs and Law and Order, they have a brand name. CSI: Miami does look different from CSI though, even though I've never seen Miami. And the Law and Orders aren't really the same show.

1. And Joan had a built in loyal audience that watched every week. He doesn't have that with Not Medium. 2. People already watch Medium, why would they watch the same fucking show?

They said they weren't gonna do an event finale, just a regular episode that happened to be the end. It was only heavy for like 30 seconds

Stop saying heh. The guy blowing himself up right in front of Grissom...awesome. QT's awesome though- he's such a sick fuck

The Dukes of Hazzard game was pure QT

Try again, Spanky. Why are you so awful?

I thought about that too, why not move it to UPN and the loyal fans would flock there. I think Amber and Barbara Hall probably didn't want to be sent off to UPN, plus the show is kind of $$ to produce for UPN, I'd assume

WASHINGTON - Amber Tamblyn is philosophical about the cancellation of her CBS series "Joan of Arcadia." "I loved it for what it was and it's gone and that's sad, but that's the way it goes," said the 22-year-old actress, who portrayed a teen who performed godly chores for those revealing themselves as God. Tamblyn said she was happy to do two seasons of "a really incredible show than like eight years on a mediocre, not-so-good show." Of her co-stars Joe Mantegna, Mary Steenburgen and Jason Ritter, the actress said: "I'm really going to miss everybody. It's like a family there. I love them, but that's life, I guess." Tamblyn got the news before an interview with AP Radio for her new movie, "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants," due in theaters on June 1. "People had kind of known it was on the bubble, I think, so it was kind of there, kind of like an iffy thing," she said. CBS is filling the Friday time slot with "Ghost Whisperer," starring Jennifer Love Hewitt as a woman who talks to dead people. "I think talking to ghosts may skew younger than talking to God," CBS Chairman Leslie Moonves said Wednesday. Well at least someone's over it

Les Moonves is one cocky motherfucker. I really hope Not Medium blows up in CBS' face. I was hoping they'd shop Joan around, but Amber wants to move on

They did cut out a beastiality joke

Given the playoffs and all, I don't see how Fox is squeezing out 22 episodes of AD till January.

It was the last year for Topher and Ashton

They're also keeping Bernie Mac I think because they've fucked with that show so many times. And yea- this is Malcom's last year probably