Toxxic

JJ Johnson looks at Toxxic and Maddix. "Aren't you guys a little undersized for defencemen?" Toxxic and Maddix look at each other. "Uh, I think we're a little unable to skate for defencemen," Landon points out. JJ shrugs. "Fine, just get the puck to me," he says, and walks away. "Puck?" Landon asks Toxxic. "A fairy in Midsummer Night's Dream," Toxxic assures him, then sighs. "Look, I was waiting for Tom to tell me the rules of this damn game. Do YOU know how it's played?" "No," Landon admits. "OK, we're screwed then."

The SWF presents.. SWF NEW YEAR'S PARTY!! LIVE to DVD from the Trent FM Arena, Nottingham, England at 9pm GMT on Tuesday 6th January, 2009! Yes, after the festive siege that is Christmas and New Year it's going to be time to lose (or ignore) the hangover and get back into shape after all that turkey and mince pies, as the SWF hops across the pond to ring in 2009 in the General Manager's home city! 10,000 of Toxxic's fellow countrymen will be raising the roof as the SWF superstars do battle... COLD FRONT CLASSIC FINAL Taiga Star© vs Tod James Stuart Well now, who'd have thought it? The SWF's Cruiserweight Champion goes head-to-head with one-half of the team currently Number One Contenders for the Breslins' Tag Titles. Taiga defeated fellow DVS star Kevin Riggs, then beat out the enigmatic MANSON and former World Champion Thoth to reach the final, while Tod defeated Riggs' tag team partner X-Punk, handed Luke Breslin his first singles loss and finally took out former World Champion Michael Alexander. With Taiga having failed to capture the DVS European Title from Va'aiga, will she have more luck in her attempt to get a chance to take his SWF World Title? Meanwhile Tod wants to prove that he's capable of more than just the brave showing he put in against Insane Luchador the last time he went up against a reigning World Champion. The winner of this match gets the World Title shot... in the stipulation of their choosing. Rules: Two-out-of-three falls. Count-outs and DQs apply as usual. Word Limit: 9000 Send To: Toxxic HELL IN THE SAL (Non-title) Va'aiga© vs Luke Breslin In Nottingham, on the street known as Maid Marian Way, there is a pub. This pub is known as Ye Olde Salutation Inn (aka The Sal). It claims to be the oldest in Nottingham (and it's a damn liar, because both Ye Olde Trip To Jerusalem and The Old Bell are older), and upstairs every Friday night it has Rock Karaoke where some of Nottingham's most drunken show-offs bellow out raucous renditions of classic rock tracks. What a perfect place for a barroom brawl! See that upper floor? That's where it takes place. The contestants will enter next to the DJ booth where DJ Dave will announce them. There is an open area with some tables before you get to the stage where the singers do their stuff at the other end (the left, as we look at the photo). To the right of the stage is a bar, usually manned by a guy with ENORMOUS hair who looks like he's wandered in out of a Motley Crue video. There's a passage down to the gents lavatory which is by a fire escape. If you go back past the DJ booth there's some stairs down to the main part of the pub below, with more drinkers. The object is to fight until someone gets pinned, or alternatively drinks so much they pass out. This match will take place (and will be filmed) on Friday 2nd January, then edited into the show. Because live satellite broadcast to the crowd in the arena is beyond budget for us these days. Rules: One pinfall to a win, don't hit on the barmaids Word Limit: 6000. That might be far too much. This match isn't that serious, just run with it. Send To: King Cucaracha. Will knows this venue like the back of his hand, and I'm pretty familiar with it. At least Landon won't have the bias of knowing what's where, which I would. Team Canada (Kevin Riggs & X-Punk) vs The Sensational Academy (Panic & Danny Meadows) DVS's Team Canada assure us that this time, they really are going to turn up and fight. To break them (back) in as a team in the SWF they get Toxxic's two students, as hapless and hopeless as ever. Rules: Standard tag. Use the tag rope. Word Limit: 4500 Send To: Toxxic MOUSETRAP MATCH Thoth vs Michael Alexander Uh-huh, you read that right. Back in the day (well, 2004), a match was booked between Landon 'La Cucaracha' Maddix and Annie Eclectic. That match was a Mousetrap Match, which Landon eventually won. And the person who booked that match? Well, rumour had it that it was none other than everyone's favourite former DDRing Tag Team Champion, King Of Fighters wardrobe-stealer and general all-round badass, Thoth. Now, that wasn't the last time that Thoth's legacy would cause Landon trouble - his crazy booking skillz were after all the justification for Joe Peters shoving arch-enemies Landon and Toxxic together as a tag team under the 'Crazy Tag Partners That Hate Each Other' school of logic, for which Landon's suggestion of team name was 'Turn Your Head And Thoth' - but tonight it looks like someone's out for revenge. It's probably just Michael Alexander's bad luck that he's been landed in this mess as well. Rules: In the middle of the ring is a circle with a large cage suspended above it. All around the ring are items of equipment that can be fitted, slotted, duct-taped or whatever together to make that famous mousetrap mechanism. The person who manages to lower the cage using the completed mechanism and trap their adversary under it (hint, you'll probably have to knock them out first, or some approximation thereof) wins the match. If the cage is lowered and the opponent avoids it, it will be reset by the ring crew while you knock each other around some more. The actual mechanism is up to you, and can bear as close or as distant a resemblance to the game as you like. Word Limit: Uh... 5000? Whatever you need, really Send To: Toxxic *SPECIAL BONUS EVENT* Ahh, ice hockey. Nottingham has a fairly decent team by UK standards, which means they're about equivalent to a Canadian fourth-grade highschool team. Right next door (and I mean RIGHT next door) to the TrentFM Arena is the Nottingham Ice Arena, where teenagers go to flirt on Saturdays with bits of metal attached to their feet. However, on this Tuesday evening it will be hosting a very special event organised by the Nottingham Panthers. Now, any self-respecting team of Americans or Canadians who know one end of an ice skate from the other should be able to whip this lot. Unfortunately, what we've got includes two Japanese, one Brit and a possible robot. THE NOTTINGHAM PANTHERS OPEN ICE RINK HARDCORE INVITATIONAL Five minutes of non-stop action involving twelve men, two nets and a puck. The winner is the team to score most goals. Anything approaching normal ice hockey rules has been suspended apart from that, although dropkicks are discouraged for obvious reasons. And now, the teams! THE PANTHERS Goal: Davis Parley Defence: Danny Meyers, Corey Neilson Wingers: Jade Galbraith, Robert Lachowicz Centre Forward: Dan Tessier THE SWF Goal: 'The Japanese Hammer' TORU Takahara Defence: The Galacticos (Landon 'La Cucaracha' Maddix and 'The Straight-Edge Sensation' Toxxic) Wingers: Ghost Machine IV, Dance Dance Dragon Centre Forward: JJ Johnson (hey, at least the Canadian might be able to skate) Rules: Most goals in five minutes wins, other than that: nada. Word Limit: Whatever we come up with. Writing: Tom, Landon, me... anyone else fancy joining in? Send To: Me, of course. ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTS A MATCH, LET ME KNOW. Also, I'm in the mood for some more non-too-serious matches, like the Hell In The Sal. Anyone who wants something a bit silly that won't really effect anyone's standing in the fed, let me know. Send all marked matches, promos etc to Toxxic

Beginning? Middle? End? Anything?

Er, what? Joe isn't a mic god, but he works just fine when he's allowed to do his own thing of semi-to-completely cocky badass instead of bitching about his contract, or not getting title shots.

Well, let us know.

HADOOOOUUUUUUUU-KEN!

Yes, you read that right. There will be NO Clusterfuck this year. Because last year only Bruce Blank wrote, and he only wrote after no-one else had written and the deadline had gone, and then he no-showed the resulting title match. That pretty much killed any hope the Clusterfuck had of ever happening again on our watch. So we will be having a regular ol' show on or around Tuesday 20th January, where the winner of the Cold Front Classic will be facing The Maori Badass in a title match with a stipulation of their choice. Other fun and games will abound. If Tod doesn't win the CFC, we'll have a Tag Title match as well. Who wants to party?

Weighing in with Spike here. There are two people I will never let out of side roads: people in flashy sportscars, and idiots on their phones, the first because I'm petty, and the second because they're a fucking hazard and should be kept stationary on the road for as long as possible, and certainly until I'm as far away from them as possible.

Right, that's fine, I agree with that. BUT, what I'm saying is that it's a risky strategy to plan to go to the later rounds if you've got someone who can potentially KO you on the spot, because you might not get there. And sure, Evans didn't do THAT, but he got Forrest down and hammered his face into paste.

Spike... c'mon man. Forrest looked good for a fair while, but going for percentage moves like leg kicks is going to be dangerous when you're up against someone with one-hit KO power like Evans has demonstrated. Griffin did a good job keeping him at bay with his reach for a while, but even I could see his guard was sloppy once he was on his back, and I know fuck all about MMA. Don't make me add anything else to my signature, please.

I'll play.

Suggesting Kong wins the X Division Title = dumb I'm afraid, due to Spike's "no men hitting women" rule. Which is a shame, as Kong vs some of the smaller male wrestlers would be fun, but hey ho.

You may well be right.

Sadly, Landon's awesome drawing is no longer supported by wherever it was he hosted it.

"Welcome back to Ess Dubya Eff...Lockdown!!!" Cyclone Comet's booms in greeting as we are indeed back in New Orleans... ...where thousand of screaming 'Nawleans' natives begin to fill the arena with as much noise as possible. Meanwhile, rather than pan around the sea of unwashed humanity, the camera is focused on the ring, where around the entrance side of the ring and above the top a surreal contraption, possibly designed by a five year old mental patient, has been erected around it. A bag hangs from the ceiling by a long metal wire in one corner of the ring...there's pipes, a treadmill, a skateboard lying on the floor...MR BUKKAKE~!~! on the treadmill showing all the charisma of a frozen haddock. "...if you're wondering what the heck is surrounding the ring, all will be explained in moments..." Cyclone assures us. "Cyclone, what the heck is this?" Riley asks, holding up a crumpled piece of paper. "Wha...oh, that's my explanation." replies Comet. "See, around the ring is this...well...crude contraption. And this paper holds the details of the contraption..." "It looks like a five year old drew it. Look...it's drawn in crayon." says Riley, holding it up to the camera, revealing this... "You did a good job on that Bobbo." sneers Comet. "Ah shut up. Just get on with explaining this sham." "Well...this 'sham' is our next match. 'The Hardcore Queen' Annie Onita and Landon 'La Cucaracha' Maddix will step into this ring...but, in this match, there will be no pinfalls. No submissions. No DQ's. It's not first blood, or last man standing. Instead, to win this match you have to set off this contraption, causing your opponent to be trapped inside that cage hanging above the ring. Like Mouse Trap..." "That game sucked." snaps Riley. "And so does this match!" "DON'T CHU WANNA BE MEEEEE!!!" Suddenly Riley and Cyclone are cut by the roaring sound of Chris Jericho's voice...as the arena quickly fills with darkness, all except the four spotlights from the entrance way, and Landon's entrance video rolling on the SmartTron. The Unnamed's youngest member eventually bursts through the curtains, with his valet Megan Skye bringing up the (very plump) rear. With a quick stop and thrust out of the arms, Landon begins to stride down the ramp, not wasting any more time on the New Orleans crowd than he has to. "Ladies and gentlemen," Funyon's voice bursts into life. "...the following one on one contest will have no disqualifications, and can only be won by initiating the contrapation surrounding the ring and trapping the opponent in the cage. Introducing first...representing the Unnamed, and accompanied to the ring by Megan Skye. Weighing two hundred ten pounds...this is LAAANDOOON 'LA CUCARACHA' MAAADDIIIX!!!" Maddix manouvers his way around the pipes in front of the ring apron, and leaps up before holding his hand out as ever to help the lovely Megan to climb the tall height of the apron. He then holds the ropes open for Skye, before entering quickly after and glancing nervously up at the cage. "Well, do you think Landon knows how this thing works?" Comet questions. "Do YOU know how it works?" "No, but I'm not in the match." "But you've got a diagram..." "It was drawn by a seventh year old!" "And his oppo..." "Woah woah, hooold up!" Maddix shouts at Funyon, snatching the microphone from out of the SWF's premiere (and only) ring announcer. The crowd boo from the moment noise leaves Landon's lips, and continue on as he stands looking out at one section of them. "I've got something to say...so take yourself and your $10 suit and stand over in that corner. Oh, and Funyon...smile...you're on T.V. Now...Annie." The crowd pop for Annie's name. "Annie, Annie, Annie. Oh how I admire you. You've fought adversity, you've fought sexism...you've retired and un-retired yourself more times than Terry Funk. No doubt you're one hardcore momma. An abassador for females everywhere. You know, I'm new around here so I don't know VERY much about you. But I've spoken to the boys in the back, and you've certainly got respect. I've heard people liken you to those great women rolemodels, who stand up and kick ass like no others. Buffy...Xena...Margeret Thatcher...Andy Capp's wife." Some of the crowd laugh, but while their moods are lightening, Landon's suddenly begins to darken. "But me? Nah...I don't see you as some female heroine. I don't see you as an ambassador for women. I see you more...as a loaf of bread." "Huh?" questions Cyclone. "What the heck is that supposed to mean?" "Annie...you're much like a loaf of bread. At first, you were fresh, new...everybody liked you. But Annie...there's one thing about bread. The longer it's around, it becomes stale...and before you know it, it's toast. Annie...you too are stale. And you too are about to become toast. I'm going to slam you in the toaster, and burn your ass to a crisp! So bring your feminist, overall wearing, shaven headed, man hating, Doc Martens wearing lesbian ass out here...so I can shove it in a cage...like the animal that you are..." Right on cue, "Risky Gamble" by Megumi Hayashibara hits, cutting Landon off and eliciting an uproar of cheers around the arena. As Annie's figure appears on the SmarkTron, suit clad and in the James Bond esque stance. The camera spins around to her front... "BOOOOOM!!!" ...and pyro erupts on the stage, bringing the crowd to their feet, and Ann Onita onto the stage. No introduction needed...Annie paces down the ring as her sister Allison follows out. Quickly Annie sidesteps the pipes, and rolls into the ring... ...and the fight is on, as Landon jumps her with stomps as soon as Annie manages to roll in! *DING DING!* Landon continues to drive the furious stomps down onto Annie's prone frame, not allowing the Hardcore Queen to even make her feet. "IT - CHI - BAN IT- CHI - BAN!!!" The pro-Annie chants ring out through the arena, as Maddix relents on the stomps, turning out to the crowd and furiously yelling at them to shut up. Slowly Ichiban pulls herself up on the ropes, as Landon walks back over and hits a sharp kick to the ribs. Another connects seconds later...but Annie seems to be shrugging off the effects, and getting to her feet regardless of the punishment. In desperation Maddix swings with a right hand...but Annie manages to block it, and drive her own fist into Landon's gut! "RAAAAAHHH!!!" Annie follows up with a couple more rights to the ribs, getting to her feet into the process as the crowd are being driven into a frenzy! Rocked back, Landon does the first thing that comes into his mind and jams his finger into the Hardcore Queen's eye, the callous move not setting well with the crowd. "What a cheap shot!" snarls Cyclone. "T'was not gentlemanly conduct." "T'was?" Riley snaps. "This isn't the 1920's Comet. Kindly shut thy mouth!" With a grab of the wrist Landon prepares to whip Ann into the ropes, but gets a fist to the jaw for his troubles. Quickly Annie ducks under Maddix's arm as a counter, and pulls La Cucaracha forwards into her outstretched knee, and quickly up onto her shoulders. Frantically Landon thrusts his body around and escapes off the suited shoulders, and running off to the ropes. Annie turns smartly, launching herself into the air and catching the charging Maddix in the jaw with a picture perfect Dropkiss! Scurrying from the ring, Landon has a look of shock etched on his face, as Annie stands triumphantly in the ring soaking up the applause directed towards her. "Annie has got Landon on the rock at the moment...it's almost like she's one step ahead of the rookie at every turn!" The frustrated Landon is attended to by Megan, as in the ring Annie is not resting on her laurels...climbing the ropes in an attempt to start the ball rolling...literally. "Annie's going for the ball sack, whi...oh." Comet stops, realising what he's just said... "There's a first time for everything I guess." Reaching up for the bag of balls, Annie almost loses her balance as the bag is excruciatingly just out of reach. Meanwhile Landon has suddenly caught glimpse of Annie's position, and quickly scurries back into the ring...only for Megan to halt him by grabbing his boot, and roll something into the ring for him. Over on the turnbuckles Annie is trying to grab the bag, but can't seem to be able to...as meanwhile, Landon begins to stagger over, clutching the something Megan rolled in to him against his chest tightly. Making a snap decision, the Queen Of Hardcore abandons the bag, deciding to dive past it and aim a double axehandle at Maddix. La Cucaracha is waiting though... ...sidestepping Annie, and catching her in the gut with a singapore cane! Annie doubles over from the pain, as Maddix quickly raises the cane high above his head... CRAAACK!!! ...and brings it down HARD across Annie's back! "Things are getting hardcore right now! And this is right up Annie's street." comments Riley. "Pity she's lying flat on her face." Landon turns to the crowd, holding his hands to the side in a mocking gesture as the crowd boo him...with AUTHORITAAA!!! Trying to grit her teeth through the pain Annie hauls herself up again, catching Maddix's eye and causing him to wield the cane again. However, the now alert Annie is already one step ahead, firing a vicious kick to the gut. An equally decapacitating kick to the sternum follows, with the force enough to cause Landon to drop the cane. Ms. Onita gratefully scoops the wooden weapon from the mat, greeting it like an old friend with a smile that seems to say..."you're dead Landon." "RAAAAAHHH!!!" The crowd erupt again, as Maddix's eyes burst wide open in pure, unadulterated fear. Dropping to his knees Landon looks to beg off, but Annie decides not to allow Landon his break...instead firing another kick, again connecting across the sternum. With all the wind knocked out of him, Landon's head slumps forward...almost inviting Annie on... CRAAACK!!! "Singapore Cane to the back of the neck!!!" yells Comet. "Holy Ghost of Neptune...that may have broken young Citizen Maddix's neck!" The lifeless body of The Disciple slumps slowly forwards to the mat, as Annie raises the cane high into the air, as a trophy of war. The crowd respond with cheers and applause, as she clasps her other hand around the weapon... CRAAACK!!! ...driving it down across the back of Maddix's head for a second, skull shattering time. "Stop the pain!" whines Riley. "Somebody stop the pain." "Hardcore Rules Riley. And unfortunately for young Maddix, this is Annie's house!" Watching on in horror, Megan sees Annie raising the cane a third time, and covers her eyes... CRAAACK!!! ...as Annie ruthlessly continues her assault. The Disciple looks to be done for, Annie seeing the glazed over look in Maddix's eyes, and deciding to go back for the balls. She climbs up the turnbuckles, getting ever closer to the sack containing the balls...yes, we've already done that joke...and begins to reach outwards. Again, the bag has been placed just far enough way that reaching it is no easy task, meaning Onita is left desperately reaching forwards, while trying not to topple off the top rope. The time she takes on the top has given Maddix time to recover, and groggily begin to try regaining a vertical base...so, rather than struggle any longer, Annie hops down again and goes back towards her opponent. "Whoever placed that bag above the ring either made a miscalculation, or is having a grand old laugh here...because it's out of reach." "Whoever made this MATCH is probably having a 'grand old laugh' Cyclone." Allowing the young Maddix to get back to his feet, Annie again takes the cane in her hands and preares for Landon to turn around. Megan has scuttled across the ring to try and warn her charge of the impending danger, but can't get close to the ring because of a water filled pipe blocking her way, so Landon doesn't hear her. Oblivious, Maddix slowly begins to turn around, looking for Annie... SWOOOSSSHHH... The cane shot misses, as Landon ducks! The momentum pulls Annie around in a pirouette, and as she reaches the 360 degrees she recieves a quick boot to the gut from Landon. Locking on a front headscissors, the Disciple hooks both of his arms under Annie's body and raises her up the air for a powerbomb, which Onita begins to fight with forceful right hands to the top of Landon's head. The effects are swift, causing Landon to stagger about and eventually fall backwards...but that causes Annie to fall throat first across the top rope!!! "OH!" Cyclone exclaims. "Annie got stungunned across the top rope! A break for Maddix here." The Disciple is first to his feet, looking up at the ball bag and down at Annie quickly...before turning to Megan, and shouting for her to do something. She can hardly hear over the rampantly booing crowd, so Landon has to repeat himself before The Toddess finally udnerstands him. Quickly she scuttles herself around the ring to the only un-blocked part of the ring apron, bends down and begins to rummage under the ring. Meanwhile Maddix walks over to Annie and drives the fla of his boot repeatedly across the chest and neck area...until Megan slides in... ...A LADDER!!! "Oh...MY!!!" yells Riley. "Well, we all know that Citizeness Onita can take heavy amounts of punishment. But, not too many people can take the force a metal ladder can provide and keep fighting." "Are you stupid Cyclone?" snaps Riley. "He doesn't want the ladder to hit Annie with. He wants it to get the balls." "Well, if you are indeed right Bobbo, then that is smart strategy." Picking the metal implement up from the mat, Landon hurriedly sets it up near the corner, indeed looking to go after the balls. Placing his foot on the first step, the other soon follows as La Cucaracha begins to scurry up the ladder and towards the bag...but Annie is up behind him. He doesn't know it however, busy trying to reach inside of the bag and retrieve a ball. Quick as she possibly can, Annie grabs the singapore cane... CRAAACK! CRAAACK! CRAAACK! Three hard shots connect to the kidney area of The Disciple, stopping him in his tracks. With Landon now suitably hurt, Onita fires a quick jab to the ribs for good measure, before moving around the side of the ladder, and beginning to climb up on the otherside! The crowd rise to their feet in anticipation, as Annie soon reaches Landon's level of the ladder. Just as she does, Maddix swings and connects with a weakened right hand...Annie retaliating in kind. Again a fist connects with Annie's jaw, again the Hardcore Queen swinging back with one of her own. Both athletes are left hanging precariously by one foot, the punches having taken their toll. "This is a very...very dangerous situation here Bobbo." "Indeed it is Comet. If Landon can just shove Annie in the chest, she'll be crashing through those pipes on the floor!" First to swing this time is Maddix, but he's cut off by a quicker jab by Annie, almost sending him flying backwards off the ladder. He somehow keeps his footing though, before grabbing a handful of Annie's hair! The fiesty Japanese vixen starts to try and claw at Landon's face to escape, as he tries to tug her black hair out from the roots. Suddenly Onita is within fingernail's reach of Landon's eyes, so The Disciple quickly pushes her to the side... CRRRAAASSSHHH!!! ...Annie flying off the ladder, and landing beside it on the mat, in a crumpled mess!!! "OOOHHHHHH!!!" The crowd gasp in shock at the fall from Onita, as Maddix now has clear run towards the bag. However, it seems something has come over him...as rather than go straight for the bag, he is now looking down on Annie's prone body. With a couple more steps, Landon moves up the next two rungs so that he has one foot on either side of the top of the ladder, sitting across the top as all around him the crowd are suddenly on their feet again. "Oh...no. He's not going to do this is he Comet?" "It certainly looks like he's considering it!" "Don't do it Landon! It's not worth the risk!" Very precariously Landon begins to stand upright, trying to block out the height that he sees beneath him and steady himself. The crowd are on the edge of their seats...or off them, and up on their feet. Annie isn't moving a muscle, as Landon's 'cockiness control' kicks in...with a wag of the finger and shake of the head, Landon turns around slowly, so he's facing away from Annie. "Oh, thank Todd!" Riley gasps in relief. "I really thought he was going to do it..." "Bobbo...he's not going for the bag..." Indeed, Landon isn't...instead, his arms are outstretched in the air. A slight wobble of the ladder sends a murmur of excitement through the New Orleans crowd, but Landon keeps his footing...and suddenly, falls back... ...WITH A MOONSAULT OFF THE LADDER!!! "HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!!!" "Good Godd...I mean Good Todd...I mean...OH MY GOD!!!" Riley stutters in shock. "LANDON MADDIX WITH A MOONSAULT OFF THE LADDER!!!" The crowd are on their feet, cheering wildly in their disbelief at what they have just seen. Both Annie and Landon lay on the mat clutching at their ribs in immense pain, as Megan Skye rolls into the ring and crawls across to check on Landon's condition. Allison meanwhile looks on with worry etched all over her face, as Annie is hurting too. Nick Soapdish rolls into the ring and begins to order Megan out of the ring, before checking on the two combatants himself, both of whom and hurtin’ for certain’. “Can you believe that Bobby Riley? Can you believe that picture perfect moonsault from off the top of the ladder?” “Un…freaking…believable Cyclone!” Riley, still in shock, just about manages to reply. “This crowd nearly blew the damn roof o…good god Bobby, they’re both getting up!” Slowly, Landon is beginning to stir…as Annie too is conscious, but not able to get back up. Despite the weakened condition of his body, the determined Maddix manages to drag his limp frame over towards the ladder, and place his hands upon the lower rungs of the metal implement. With all the power he can muster, Maddix hauls himself onto his jelly-like legs, and starts the climb up the ladder… …but suddenly stops, as out of the corner of his eye he sees Annie Onita shrugging referee Soapdish away, and trying to get back to her feet. Unable to believe that Annie’s still fighting, The Disciple stops dead like a doomed woman in a horror movie…unable to hide his complete shock. Dropping down from ladder he stumbles over towards Annie…and gets a right hand to the gut! “RAAAAAHHH!!!” The crowd explode into elation as they see their Hardcore Queen fighting back. Another stiff right connects to the gut, but before an imminent third can hit it’s target, Maddix drives his knee forwards and catches Onita HARD in the gut. As Annie doubles over, Landon quickly flings her arm over his shoulder, hooking a hold of her suit pants and popping his hips in a sudden explosion of offense, taking Annie over with him, and drilling her with an Exploder Suplex! “Somehow these two Citizens…Todd Royal’s rookie Disciple, and the veteran Queen Of Hardcore…somehow, these two are up and fighting.” “But they’re both weary Cyclone. You can see it from the body language. They’re both nearly out on their feet.” A rather bored looking Mr. Bukkake watches on from his stationary treadmill, waiting for his chance to shine… …as in the ring, Landon has Annie down on the mat. Knowing a submission will not win him the match, Landon decides instead to leap into the air, and with a full 360 degree twist land an extravagant legdrop. Annie holds the throat, as Maddix rolls away from her fallen body and clambers back up…holding his hands out again, which brings a fresh wave of jeers and boos his way. “How can these ungrateful slobs boo a man like Landon Maddix, Cyclone? It shocks me that these people have so much dis-respect!” “Well…he’s shown them no respect. Why should these great Citizens be the only ones with any respect?” “Good point. Looking at their clothing, they obviously have no self respect…no wonder they have no respect for Landon?” “That’s not what I meant Bobbo.” Again Annie decides to go on guts rather than brains, and haul herself back up. Whilst she’s doing so however, Landon has called for something else…this time, a chair is delivered to him by Waitress Skye. Picking up the chair, a sick smile emerges on The Disciple’s face, seeing the un-guarded Annie on her last legs. Raising the chair in the air, Landon walks forward…and usually, Annie would fight back. However, her guard is down, allowing Landon to swing down with the chair… SSSMAAACK!!! …it connects…BUT ANNIE IS STILL UP!!! “WOW!” Cyclone exclaims, as the crowd is ROARING it’s collective heads off. “Annie didn’t go down!” “My god…she’s a cyborg! She’s not human Comet. I swear, she’s not human!” As Annie stands tall in front of him, Landon’s look of shock has returned. Again he grabs a hold of the chair and brings it up above his head… SSSMAAACK!!! …and down across Annie’s… …BUT SHE’S STILL UP!!! “RAAAAAHHH!!!” By now, Landon is suddenly wondering what the heck it’s going to take to put Annie down. Two chair shots, and despite the slightly glazed over look in Ichiban’s eyes, she’s still standing. With no other alternative, Landon raises the chair again, and with all the force he can find in his body, he slams the chair downwards… SSSMAAAAACCCKKK!!! …with an ungodly amount of force… …and Annie is FINALLY down! “Annie’s down…but it took THREE vile chair shots to do it!” yells Comet. “But the main thing is she’s down. Now Landon just needs to put the boots to her!” “You really are an uncaring individual aren’t you?” “Hey…controversy pays the bills buddy.” Celebrating this accomplishment as if he’s just one the World Title, Maddix throws the chair over his head and shouts out in delight, as Annie is finally left laying on the mat. But…not for long, as the Queen of Hardcore is already planning her next comeback. With an air of frustration emanating from his body, Maddix yells out “Now you’re gonna see it!” towards the crowd, before helping Annie up on her last steps. Two shrift, sharp knee drives are smashed forwards into Annie’s midriff, before Landon hits a European uppercut to back Onita to the ropes. Hurriedly Landon grabs onto Annie’s left wrist and shoots her off to the ropes, backing off the ropes himself. Both Landon and Annie seem set for a head on collision, before Landon swings his arm out at the last second, with a I MAY BE SMALL, I MAY BE WEAK, BUT I JUST TOOK YOUR HEAD OFF YOU PSYCHOTIC LESBIAN FREAK, NOW LET’S GET THIS BALL ROLLING LARIATOOOOOOOOOOO~! “BOOOOO!!!” “HA HA!!! Lariato by Maddix! Lariato by Maddix!” Riley squeals like a schoolgirl. With Annie down, Maddix now scurries over to the ladder, beginning his slow climb as above him hangs the bag of balls. With every rung he advances to Landon takes a glance down at Annie to check on her position…but, she only begins to start moving as Landon reaches the summit of the ladder, and begins to reach into the bag. After a second or so of rummaging around, Landon pulls upwards from out of the bag… …clutching a bowling ball! “Oh yeah!” Riley shouts, for no particular reason. Landon rapidly descends from down the ladder, and shoves the metal object out of the way to the mat. Now clutching a bowling ball, Landon places it across the top of the pipe… ..but Annie’s up behind him from nowhere, spinning him around…and nailing a superkick! The bowling ball goes flying, narrowly missing Landon’s toe as it slams into the mat. Annie now has possession of the ladder however, folding it up quickly…and throwing it forward, causing it to SMACK into Landon’s face! He crumbles down in the corner, as meanwhile Annie grabs the ladder, throwing it out of the way…and stopping? “IT – CHI – BAN! “IT – CHI – BAN! “IT – CHI – BAN!” The crowd ring out with their chants, as Annie pulls the bowling ball from the mat. However, she has other plans than to set off the cage. She, instead backs up across the ring…as Landon is spread eagled. Annie knows what’s coming, the crowd knows what’s coming, the despairing Megan knows what’s coming as does the eager for genital destruction Allison…even Landon knows, but he’s out of it… …Annie rolls the ball forward… INTO LANDON’S GROIN!!! “OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!!” “Ooooh. That is every man’s worst nightmare!” winces Riley “Even yours?” “Even mi…HEY, shut up you spandex wearing freak!” “I could very well say the same thing to you.” With Landon’s nether regions officially crushed, Annie now has to set off the cage. She knows it, as she hurriedly picks the ball up…taking the time to sneer into the watering eyes of Maddix…before taking the ball, and dropping it down the pipe. “The contraption is set off. Here we go!” The ball rolls down the pipe, rattling it’s way across slowly onto the more level part, as Bukkake stands and waits eagerly. This is his chance to shine! The ball rolls on…and on…before clipping the on button, causing the treadmill to snap into life. “Bukkake is off! Man, look at him go!” “Yeah I’ve heard stories about him being very ‘quick’.” “I…err…don’t particularly want to know about that area of Citizen Bukkake’s private life.” “Citizen Bukkake? How can you say that with a straight face?” As the treadmill begins to pick up speed, Bukkake is already sweating… …back in the ring,. Annie is pulling Landon into the centre of the ring and positioning him underneath the cage. Quickly hitting a boot, Annie locks on the front headscissors…and drops Landon down with the Daybreak Pedigree, which is surely all she wrote! …but Bukkake is still running. He thinks this is his moment in the spotlight obviously, not wanting to losing his footing and take his skateboard ride. Allison watches on impatiently as Bukkake is now smiling! So, taking matter into her own hands, Allison walks over to the jogging Bukkake. He blows her a kiss, so she does what she knows is best…slaps the taste out of Bukkake’s mouth!!! Bukkake stumbles back, falling off the treadmill and landing on the skateboard…showing off his l33t sk8ter sk11lls, as he rocks forward…and turns on the fan! The crowd seem to be very excited about this low budget sequence, the fan blowing a toy boat across the water pipe, which goes under the ring. Back in the ring, Annie watching all this intently, not seeing Landon getting up behind her! Landon grabs Annie in a waistlock, as the boat goes under the ring…and now, it’s a race against time. Annie fires elbow after elbow into the jaw of Landon, rocking him back each time, but each time getting locked back into the waistlock. Eventually Annie gets herself free, and fires some right hands… …until Landon grabs her top!!! The boat comes back out from under the ring, as the fight goes on underneath the cage’s landing point…Landon trying to tear Annie’s top of, which is getting the males in the audience quite flustered. Meanwhile, the boat is about to drop… …and it does, pulling the weight up… …causing the cage to lower… …MADDIX BREAKS AWAY… …AND THE CAGE LOWERS… …DOWN ACROSS ANNIE!!! “DAMN IT!” Cyclone yells, as the bell is rung swiftly. “He did it…he tried pulling Annie’s damn top off, and that’s what distracted her.” “Who cares! Landon wins…” “Yeah, well…if you can call it that.” “I’ll call it what I want.” Annie, now realizing she’s trapped in the cage, curses her luck as Landon glares at her through the cage bars with a gleeful look on his face. “Here is your winner…LAAANDOOON ‘LA CUCARACHA’…MAAADDIIIX!!!” “Damn it…Landon wins. And we’ve got to go to a break while all this gets cleared up…but…we’ll be right back.” The scene fades, as Landon stands just out of Annie’s reach…the smug look still etched on his face, as we go to commercial…

I honestly don't know where Mr. Bukkake came from, I know he was some sort of feature of the fed like the ELK, G0R0 and so forth, but not his origin. However, what I DO know is that he was powering a treadmill in Landon's version of the match.

I'm not FROM Nottingham, I just live IN Nottingham. Therefore I have none of the genetic hatred towards you and your kind from that side of the country boundary.

Annie didn't show. I think Mr. Bukkake just put her off too much.

Office brawl was a five-man match in Alex Zenon's office. I only remember that Landon and IL were involved, and Landon won (by virtue of being the only writer, I think).

When I started in this place you'd get a show booked by Thoth every fortnight. Which could mean Mousetrap Match, Office Brawl, Hell On Stilts or something involving a badger, as I recall. Seriously, you lot have it EASY these days.

Suicide sure moved like Low Ki when he cleared the MCMGs out of the ring at Final Resolution, right down to the walk and the running dropkick. Although he did look more Kaz-sized, so doubtless it was Kaz trying to move like Low Ki. But surely they could find someone else for the role (although why they'd bother is beyond me).

Let's call this one delayed karma, shall we Thoth?

I can't believe you brought up Skull Radio. I thought that had been retconned into nonexistence. Nonetheless, this should be interesting.

I'm liking the build for this match, I must admit. I look forward to it.

Because you won't be going "oh yes that's right" in Will's match, and "no, that's not right" in Drew's. Which I would be, even if I tried not to let it affect my marking. basically, I'd be able to visualise Will's match far better cos he'll fit it right into the actual layout, which would probably make it seem better to me.