your WWE SMACKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT- 7/31/2003!

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Heeeey! I`m back. I was sleepy last week. Yes, I was.

 

WHAT WORKED-

- Rey Rey comes out with Kidman. Shelton Benjamin comes out with Haas. Kidman is the most boring wrestler in the history of junior heavyweight wrestling. Haas is a bikini-clad Yvonne Craig in a vat of Wesson Oil in 1965 by comparison. Rey takes the cool ass shoulder bump into the ringpost early and we have a modified Southern tag for your pleasure. And you find it pleasing. Shelton acts on the shoulder with nice shoulderbreakers. Rey Rey snapmares Benjamin`s shoulder into the ringpost and we have a STALEMATE! Rey Rey sells the shoulder while on offense and Benjamin drives it into the mat and Benjamin goes back to work. They have some hi-jinx and Rey Rey hits the 619 and rolls up Shelton in a short, but perfectly fine match. It was your basic Wendy`s Value Meal, but it wasn`t even Biggie Sized or anything.

 

- Nidia comes in while Jamie is taking care of some man-business. Fuck yeah I would fuck Nidia before I would fuck Torrie. REAL MEN touched themselves to the sight of Nidia`s sweet ass and eagerly acquitted their MANLY tension by blowing a MANLY Old Spice-scented load over their Normandy Beach D-Day Commemorative medallions. Fuck yeah, I`d tag that. Fuck yeah.

 

- Tajiri and Spanky check out Angle`s junk for some reason. Warts, clamedia- WHA?

 

- Eddy`s ride is fucking awesome. Tajiri in the trunk? THE MIST! Fuck you ref. HE CAN`T SEE! HE CAN`T WRESTLE! GET OFF HIS BACK! FUCK YOU, REF! GOD! So they wrestle and it`s perfectly fine. Eddy`s mullet is sucking it. Tazz gets over the psychology really well when they hit the Superplex and Eddy steps up to the plate and sells really well to get the drama up from the cruise control first half of the match. Tajiri`s last flurry was really nice- as Eddy and Tajiri up the stiffness a bit and they time the kick outs really well. Eddy hits the SWEEEET low blow and I love this match. The belt and the mist and BOY! did they need this much booking? Oy gevalt! Eh. Either way, perfectly fine wrestling.

 

- THE SECRET ADVENTURES OF AL WILSON:

 

After the dance, in the woods, by the cemetary.

 

``Oh Jennifer, oh Jenny. Your lips are so soft and so heavenly. Kissing you is all ever vant to do.`` Jennifer pulls Baron closer and kisses him deeply. Baron tries to kiss her as dramatically and romantically as he can muster- trying to kiss her like he were Sean Connery or Lawrence Olivier. She was Merle Oberon in his personal world and she was as deep as Lake Huron and more than he could ever comprehend- at least in his mind at this point.

 

``I vant to touch you.... ``

 

``No... not there....``

 

``Please.... I love you....``

 

``No, Baron... we can`t...`` Jennifer takes Baron`s hand from her breast.

 

``I am sorry. I`m a little caught up in zis. It is more than I can control I zink.``

 

``Yeah, I`m getting a little caught up to. We shouldn`t...``

 

``Yes, let me kiss you again and then ve vill go to Pizza Hut now. Ve must control our URGES. Ve must take love our love slow. I must hold on loosely. But I do love you and I don`t want to ever make you feel.... uncomfortable.``

 

Baron was confused and filled with self-loathing. `Why would you do that? Why would you fuck this up? No. I will not let mein dick ruin my life.`

 

Jennifer was confused and filled with self-loathing. ``I want to. But I can`t. Yet.`

 

TO BE CONTINUED.

 

- Shannon Moore doesn`t kill Zack Gowan like you would want, but Zach does bump like a fucking freak. Matt motherfucking Hardy tripping the one-legged guy is fucking GOLD. Gowan has a fun- if unlikely- offense and Shannon made it look great. Matt Hardy is fucking AWESOME being the complete dick and killing the one-legged man dead. I wept out of love for the TRUE dickish heelishness of Matt Hardy. I wept with love for you, the beloved reader. I wept at the beauty of you and me enjoying the intrinsic greatness of Matt Hardy being such a complete dick. Absolutely fabulous.

 

- John Cena`s Moses Malone St Louis Spirit jersey was fucking AWESOME.

 

-WELLLLLLLLllll IT`S THE BIG SHOW! OH IT`S THE BIG BAD SHOW TONIGHT! A week away brings back the love to the Big Show theme. The main event is fabulous as Lesnar is all big and athletic and does stuff the folks in the viewing audience can`t do. Big Show is all active and unsucklike in this. Lesnar is the glue of this match and his gigantic offense is enough for me to love this- especially the two Released Belly-to-belly suplexes.

 

WHAT DIDN`T WORK-

- Angle the gracious winner is annoying. At least Vince McMahon came out and stopped Brock and Curt before they started tongue-kissing in the middle of the ring. Suddenly, Lesnar believes what McMahon says when he accuses Angle of stabbing Brock in the back. I guess the shithead writers want Vince to ``play with their heads!`` But why would any face take Vince`s word at face value. Maybe the ``writers`` of Smackdown should study the superior-in-comparison clarity and logic of a few episodes of ``Family Matters``. This shit is retarded. Match might be fun, but that would be up there.

 

- FUCK HER, JAMIE! FUCK HER GOOD! FUCK HER TILL IT YER RED N RAW! The Good love/bad love paddle is fucking beautiful. Of course, a real white trash motherfucker would be sporting the Puka beads while unleashing the mayonnaise into his skanky bleached conquest. And Torrie acts like she hasn`t sucked a doughie fat guys dick for the lobster bisque- and I`m not buying that- so why the big deal of accepting the blast of the fit, tanned and virile Jamie Noble? And shouldn`t Jamie Noble have shown her his Richard Petty #43 Memorial Cockring?

 

- Benoit vs Rhyno will be fun. Benoit beating the shit out of Doink is a fucking dream come true. He just kinda squashes him though. Why the fuck didn`t he cripple him? Stretcher the clown. It would have ruled. En lieu......

 

- Cena doesn`t show no respect for the love that Orlando Jordan and the Undertaker have for each other- the love between a young man and an older man, a beautiful blossoming love. Orlando Jordan is soooooooooooo Ranger Ross 3000. This sucked but I don`t blame Cena. Worst Death Valley Driver since Stevie Ray called it quits. Okay, I blame him for that.

 

- Torrie pusses out on the menage a trois with Nidia and Jamie. Billy comes in and Billy pusses out on the menage a trois with Jamie and Nidia. Fucking pussies. Who writes this shit? AMERICA WANTS BILLY`S SWEET ASS! Fucking idiots.... Oh wait. YEAH! Maybe this does work....

 

- Sable comes out and they show highlights of Sable beating Jaromir Jagr after A-Train runs in. Jagr`s been working on his upperbody in the off season and he grew his mullet back. GODSPEED! Sable then introduces A-Train and the Big Show and her collagen-filled lips make her pronunciation all weird and unnaturally lispy and I weep for her in my soul.

 

THERE YOU HAVE IT.

 

DEAN RASMUSSEN.

[Guest The Czech Republic]

Nice work, Dean.

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

Thank you, Czech Republic.

 

DEAN.

[Guest AndrewTS]

...and stick with what's real?

 

- Benoit vs Rhyno will be fun. Benoit beating the shit out of Doink is a fucking dream come true. He just kinda squashes him though. Why the fuck didn`t he cripple him? Stretcher the clown. It would have ruled. En lieu......

 

Indeed. I had visions of sending Benoit the fucking Terminator back in time to when face Doink and all his midget underlings pissed off crowds to no end and KILLING THE MOTHERFUCKING CLOWN to earn their eternal love.

 

- FUCK HER, JAMIE! FUCK HER GOOD! FUCK HER TILL IT YER RED N RAW! The Good love/bad love paddle is fucking beautiful. Of course, a real white trash motherfucker would be sporting the Puka beads while unleashing the mayonnaise into his skanky bleached conquest. And Torrie acts like she hasn`t sucked a doughie fat guys dick for the lobster bisque- and I`m not buying that- so why the big deal of accepting the blast of the fit, tanned and virile Jamie Noble? And shouldn`t Jamie Noble have shown her his Richard Petty #43 Memorial Cockring?

 

Yeah, which is why it was so fucked up that they made Torrie the moral high ground in Dawn vs. Torrie. Torrie, you ARE A FUCKING SLUT!! When Dawn asks for her carpet munched, you hurry up and do it. You don't pretend you're a good girl, you don't pretend you didn't gulp down the loads of Bischoff and Nash and Hogan and Dusty (if she could find his winky) and Ted Turner and Lord knows who else to get her job in WCW. Now please never talk or act or anything again but take off your clothes once in a while.

 

And what was the end result? Did they just screw their respective partners in the same room? Was there swinging? Was it swapping around all around and Noble made Gunn squeal? What a fucking cop out end that told us nothing!

[Guest Lightning Flik]

 

LET THE LAUGHTER STOP~!

 

...good as always Dean.

[Guest HungryJack]

Ah man , these are consistently the best things posted in this folder.

 

Huzzah Dean.

 

 

And I MUST WIN ANOTHER WEEK IN THE HIGHWAY TO THE GUESS WHO~!

[Guest starvenger]

Man, I missed Dean. In a strictly smark-to-smark kind of way, of course...

[Guest DEAN RASMUSSEN]

And I missed you. In that... same way...

 

DEAN.

[Guest the pinjockey]

I miss Chuck on SD to read about his mighty fine as......punches. Yes. Mighty fine punches.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

DEAN, I'm beginning to like the Big Show. What do I do to stop it?

[B. Brian Brunzell 0]

I think we all miss DEAN in that smark-to-smark kind of way when he's gone.

 

**blushes**

[Guest Mindless_Aggression]

If Matt Hardy is truly the greatest dick of them all, he will spinning toe hold Zack into the void. He must I say.

 

Tremendous work as usual Dean.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

DEAN, tell me why Big Show is starting to actually look like the best 500 pound worker ever again? I mean, really, he didn't suck at all! Maybe an extra ticket at the buffet?

 

And is it just me or is Eddy starting to look like Kanemaru sans mustache lately? I mean, he doesn't have the grungy ass Steve Corino hair, but I'm starting to see a resemblance...

 

And since nobody has said ANYTHING about the great piece of literary work that IS The Adventures of Al Wilson, lemme please say that I found it stimulating in every way possibly suiting for a young male like myself. Bless you, DEAN...

[Guest deadbeater]

Torrie was taught wrestling by Molly. she also must have picked up her morals. Well, at least after she flashed Molly in Atlantic City.

[Guest Polish_Rifle]

Sable comes out and they show highlights of Sable beating Jaromir Jagr after A-Train runs in. Jagr`s been working on his upperbody in the off season and he grew his mullet back. GODSPEED! Sable then introduces A-Train and the Big Show and her collagen-filled lips make her pronunciation all weird and unnaturally lispy and I weep for her in my soul.

 

I started laughing uncontrollably at work when I read the name Jaromir Jagr! I truly look forward to this column every week and I must say, I was saddened by its absence last week. Keep up the good work.

[Guest The Amazing Rando]

I never usually comment on these...

 

 

but damn that's some great stuff...

[Guest saturnmark4life]

DEAN, tell me why Big Show is starting to actually look like the best 500 pound worker ever again? I mean, really, he didn't suck at all! Maybe an extra ticket at the buffet?

I've been saying this for a while. I don't think he was ever the absolute worst, but Christ, if you weigh 500 pounds taking the F-5 every week and being suplexed through tables is not easy. He DOES try.

[The Czech Republic 0]

"Jaromir Jagr" is the best thing ever. I had to bump this after my realization of this fact.

[EL DANDY~! 0]

Poor DEAN...he's no more... DAMN THE CRASH~!

 

But Jaromir Jagr does own...until 2001, that is...