Billy Connolly's 14 Things He Hates About People

[Jack_Bauer]

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know

where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

 

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

 

 

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

 

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course

it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

 

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

 

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

 

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

 

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

 

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

 

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? Ears, Wellington boots?

 

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's Really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

 

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's

an image I really didn't need.

 

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you

don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It has to be a

McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll

have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

 

14. When you're involved in an accident and someone asks 'are you all right?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off

[Guest Salacious Crumb]

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

 

Maybe it's due to cable/satallite boxes being so complicated now that you really can't use them without a remote.

[Damaramu]

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

 

Maybe it's due to cable/satallite boxes being so complicated now that you really can't use them without a remote.

I'm pretty sure he meant one a regular TV.

[k thx]

Billy Connelly rocks.

[Guest Dynamite Kido]

Good shit.....this is hilarious.

[Guest Fire and Knives]

Eh...this sort of thing is funnier when Carlin does it.

 

"Fuck Brad, and everybody that looks like Brad!"

 

K.

[Guest El Satanico]

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course

it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

I've seen him do this bit and most of it is great, but that was always my favorite one.

 

Part of the humor is how he says them, so you need to imagine a Scottish(or is he irish?) accent when reading them.

[DerangedHermit]

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you

don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It has to be a

McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll

have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

That last line is awesome.

[k thx]

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course

it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

I've seen him do this bit and most of it is great, but that was always my favorite one.

 

Part of the humor is how he says them, so you need to imagine a Scottish(or is he irish?) accent when reading them.

Very Scottish.

[Nevermortal]

I respect this man, mainly because he was in Boondock Saints.

[MarvinisaLunatic]

My roomate had a box in his closet with about 75 videos of nothing but Billy Connolly's stand up stuff performances. He's very funny, although I don't see the need of having so many tapes with most of them having the same exact material just shot in different cities.

[razazteca]

It's no good unless you can imagine the voice.

[justsoyouknow]

I respect this man, mainly because he was in Boondock Saints.

This guy was Il Duce in Boondock Saints? That seems a little out of character.

 

"We need someone to play a maddog killer...how about that stand-up comedian?"

[Guest El Satanico]

He's scottish...so it's not like playing a crazy fucker was a stretch for him.

[Guest Choken One]

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course

it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

I've seen him do this bit and most of it is great, but that was always my favorite one.

 

Part of the humor is how he says them, so you need to imagine a Scottish(or is he irish?) accent when reading them.

Funny How Jeff Foxworthy did this joke 10 years ago.

[k thx]

To be fair, Billy Connelly did it a good 10 years ago too.

[Guest Choken One]

Are you implying that this Connelly did it first before Comic God Did?

 

does it matter? Didn't Eddie Lizzard do a similar bit as well?

[A Happy Medium]

Nah, actually it was done on episode #456 of the Simpsons, the one where Homer has his gaul bladder removed and then tries out for the Olympics in the hammerthrow competition. Simpsons did that joke first, even before that last guy.

 

Billy Connolly owns. A very funny man, and I can't wait for All Saints Day.