It's beginning to look a lot like Kingmas...

[Guest Evolution]

We fade in on a snowy neighborhood, with people in top hats and dresses, covering themselves and keeping warm as they mill about the street.

 

A VERY SPECIAL KINGMAS

 

A man stands out, walking amongst the crowd of people doing last-minute shopping for Kingmas. He carries a briefcase at his side, leaning over slightly to the right to counterbalance the weight of his briefcase. He stops at a porch along the street, and then climbs up the three stairs leading to the front door. He quickly raps at the front door, and footsteps are heard on the other side of the door. It swings open, and a man wearing a cheek protector wants to smile, but can only smile on the inside.

 

“MATHESON!” Va’aiga screams, getting the attention of everyone else in the house. “MERRY KINGMAS!”

 

The Maori invites Matheson inside, where James stomps his feet on the welcome mat and then walks with briefcase in hand, following Va’aiga into the dining room, a quaint little slice of life inside the otherwise huge house. In the middle sits a long dining table that has been extended for the purpose of this occasion. A seat is waiting for Matheson and he sits there, putting his briefcase on his lap as he looks around and sees John Duran, Todd Royal, Megan Skye, and Landon Maddix, all with bright smiles on their faces.

 

“What’s in the briefcase?” Duran asks with a smile, and Matheson returns the grin and places the briefcase at his side.

 

“It’s my Secret Suicide gift!” Matheson responds, and Landon then speaks up.

 

“Todd, Megan and I are new to this whole thing…what exactly is Kingmas?”

 

“Why,” Duran says cheerily, “Kingmas is the one time of the year that we celebrate the birth of the God of All Heels, and worship him as we exchange gifts!”

 

“Sounds like fun to me,” Megan says, and then she stands up from her seat. “Well, now that everyone’s here, I’ll serve dinner!”

 

“It’s about Todd damn time,” Royal says, “I’m so hungry I could eat a page out of the brand new illustrated version of the Book of Todd!”

 

Megan retrieves a plate filled with ham, plopping it into the middle of the table, and then puts the mashed potatoes down, followed by baked beans, dinner rolls, and a casserole to die for.

 

“Now, shall we say grace?” Duran asks, and everyone nods. Megan sits back down at the table and they bow their heads.

 

Dear God,

Please bless this food with your heelishness. We aspire to be like you every day, and we look for your assistance in all aspects of life. Your lowblows have spoken to us, and your pulling of the tights have inspired us. On this day of appreciation for you, God, we thank you for providing us with the strength we need to be complete assholes.

 

“Amen,” Va’aiga speaks first, and everyone else follows. “Dig in.”

 

Everyone has first, and everyone has seconds. Time lapses as we watch the food disappear, laughs be had, and excited faces all around. Finally, time slows down as everyone is stuffed. Even Megan is unbuttoning the button on her tight jeans.

 

“So, is it time to trade presents?” Landon asks anxiously, having been told of the fun the Magnificent Seven had last year, second-hand stories told from the Memphis Eel to Va’aiga.

 

“Not yet.” Matheson says in a condescending tone, as if Maddix is a child. Maddix ignores it. “We’ve got to sing the song that everyone sings every year before exchanging presents!”

 

And with that, the 6 of them get up from the dinner table and walk into the living room, where a luxurious Fugue Brand Piano is waiting to be played.

 

“Hey, look everybody,” Todd calls the attention of the other Unnamed members, “it’s Ray Charles!”

 

Sure enough, the piano player is sitting at the piano, hands poised at the keys. “How’s it going, fellas?”

 

The live studio audience claps, hoots and hollers for the former Diet Pepsi spokesman. The Unnamed wait for the noise to stop before continuing. “Are you here to play the song, Ray?” Duran asks.

 

“You bet, guys.”

 

“Then hit it!” Megan yells, going over to sprawl on the piano in a suggestive pose as the song begins, in the tune of “Jingle Bells”. Va’aiga is the first to begin singing, and then Matheson joins in. Todd and Landon catch on eventually.

 

Dashing to the ring,

With a baseball bat that’s black,

Called the Ace of Spades,

Some skulls he plans to crack!

 

Kicking in the groin,

Denying it in spite,

And if the ref tries to stop him

He’ll get a Joker’s Wild tonight! OH!

 

Joker’s Wild! Joker’s Wild! Hit him with brass knucks!

Selling all your merchandise, they’ll make a million bucks, HEY!

Joker’s Wild! Joker’s Wild! Half nelson deluxe!

And let all the world come see,

Grand Slam Mark Stevens sucks!

 

Everyone applauds Ray Charles’ performance and each other, and the live studio audience joins in.

 

“That was excellent!” Maddix praises, and Megan comes off the piano.

 

“Okay, NOW it’s time to open presents!” Duran declares, and a roar comes up from the other members of the Unnamed. “Come, they’re in the guest room!”

 

Duran lets the other members go ahead of him and then turns off the lights in the living room. Ray Charles’ screams something unintelligible as the other Unnamed members head into the guest room, where a Kingmas tree has been placed in the corner, lit up to the brim and stuffed with presents under it! The 10 foot tall tree gets an OOOH from the live audience and the Unnamed.

 

“It’s so pretty,” Matheson admits, and Megan nods.

 

“That’s why I put all the presents here myself,” Duran reveals, “I wanted to keep it a surprise. Anyway, everyone grab your presents and give your Secret Suicide gifts.”

 

And with that, the 6 members go off and collect the gifts, except for Matheson, who immediately passes his briefcase to Duran. Megan gives her gift to Matheson, Todd gives to Va’aiga, Va’aiga to Maddix, Maddix to Megan, and Duran gives to Todd.

 

Matheson is first. “Ooh, a three pack of King of Hearts playing cards!”

 

Maddix then rips his present to shreds and opens it! “Ooh, the steamy diary of Suicide King and his submissive girlfriend in the bathroom of the Kingdome!” Va’aiga nods.

 

Va’aiga then rips open his present. “Why, it’s a Suicide King bobblehead doll!”

 

Maddix nods and then points to the head. “Press down on his head.” Va’aiga does so.

 

“WHAT’S MY NAME!?”

 

Maddix jumps back, obviously not expecting Va’aiga’s voice to come from the King of Hearts. “Todd damn, it’s a defective toy.”

 

“Actually, I like it,” Va’aiga admits, and presses down on the head again and again as Todd opens his present.

 

“Being Me For Dummies!” Todd squeals. “This is awesome, I always wanted this! Thanks, Duran!”

 

Megan then opens her present and flips open a box, peeking inside, and then scrambling for the lid and putting the box together. “Todd, you know that what you gave me would be a sin against Todd for me to use!”

 

Duran whispers audibly to Va’aiga, “Must have been the 12 inch lifelike Suicide King blow-up doll.” Va’aiga chuckles, and Megan glares at them both.

 

“Alright,” Matheson finally says to Duran, “open it up!”

 

Duran takes off the two side locks of the briefcase and lifts it up…

 

IT’S A TURKEY~!

 

“So, that’s what was in it all along,” Duran says with a chuckle, and the others join in with a big hearty laugh. The live audience dies out as Duran stops laughing.

 

“Merry Kingmas, Duran.” Matheson says with a wide smile.

 

“Merry Kingmas. You know, Matheson, you’re not as bad of a person as I thought,” Duran admits, and Matheson smiles some more.

 

With all of their presents resting on the couch in the living room, the 6 are back near the piano as Ray Charles, nervous sweat beading off of him, sits poised to play.

 

“It’s been a great Kingmas, guys,” Megan says.

 

“It really has,” Duran adds.

 

“Todd Bless Us Everyone!” Royal yells, and everyone nods their heads, going in a moment of silence for a moment.

 

“HIT IT, RAY!” Duran finally yells, breaking the silence, as Ray begins to play.

 

Grand Slam got run over by a reindeer………

 

We fade out with Duran and the rest of the Unnamed singing in tune, the live studio audience clapping and singing along as we fade to black.

 

"WHAT'S MY NAME?!"

 

Copyright 2004

A Notoriously Superior Production

Lowering workrate by typing more cheese.

[the.weej 0]

It's ironic that Kingsmas happens right after King gives up booking the SWF, but I guess it's all part of some enormous conspiracy to show that no matter what, I'll never be the kind of icon he was. I think it's working. Either way, this is enough to put the season goodness of the holiday into anyone.

 

...even if I always liked Edwin more.

 

-Z

Who lives where it's actually still Kingsmas for another half hour.

[Ace309 0]

Merry Kingmas and a Many-'Boos' Year.

 

I'd like to take credit, as always, for the Jokers Wild jingle bells song, as well as for leaning on Duran to write this and for suggesting that Matheson take a turkey out of his briefcase.

 

However, after reading that, I just can't. Duran, you took a good idea and ran with it. *applause*

[AnnieEclectic 0]

The fact that Ray Charles is in this promo automatically makes it top-notch. Congrats on keeping the tradition alive, and continue being the best assholes you can be.

 

So I can kill y'all and get cheered for it.

 

-Annie

[The Amazing Rando 0]

I would suspect that after Grace, Todd would have said something for mentioning "that other guy" during Grace.

[Toxxic 0]

That rocks so hard it's untrue.

[Guest Suicide King]

::sniffles::

 

Heels are wonderful people, and those whose disagree will have their shoelaces tied together.

Edited February 13, 2004 by Suicide King

[TheBostonStrangler 0]

*low-blows King*

[Guest Suicide King]

::high-pitched:: Merry Kingmas, TBS. I've taken the liberty of having you castrated at your last dental appointment. For future reference, total anethesia is unwise.

[Guest Aecas]

Castrated at the dentists? Are they going to replace the dental floss with piano wire and then accidentaly slip or something?

[janusd 0]

Castrated at the dentists? Are they going to replace the dental floss with piano wire and then accidentaly slip or something?

Piano wire would work if the dentist was Chris Wilson...

 

...then again that's just from what I gleaned of a character I know nothing about.

[Ace309 0]

Piano wire would work if the dentist was Chris Wilson...

 

...then again that's just from what I gleaned of a character I know nothing about.

Well, if he was the dentist, and the dentist only took appointments two months out of the year but still somehow managed to get a whole freaking lot of them.

[Guest Suicide King]

I did mention that he received full anesthesia instead of the more traditional local, did I not? Or did I overshoot your Cro-Magnon browridges again?

 

[Ace309 0]

I did mention that he received full anesthesia instead of the more traditional local, did I not? Or did I overshoot your Cro-Magnon browridges again?

 

You're cooking what for dinner?