Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2004 A long time ago, in a server far, far away... BOARD WARS Episode V: THE TSMPIRE STRIKES BACK It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Star of Oblivion has been destroyed, Imperial posters have driven the Rebel members from their hidden board and pursued them across the server. Evading the dreaded Imperial Moderating Fleet, a group of posters dedicated to fighting for freedom, led by Dave Cobainwalker, has established a new secret base on the remote ice world of UGS. The evil Vadersault, obsessed with finding young Cobainwalker, has dispatched thousands of remote search inquiries into the far reaches of e-space... After the destruction of the Star of Oblivion, the TSMpire, under the control of the dictatorial Emperor Palpatom and his enforcer Vadersault seeks revenge upon the Rebel Alliance by staging a surprise attack, forcing the Rebels to evacuate their forum on the ice board UGS. Dave Cobainwalker, after ensuring that the Rebel members had escaped to safety, heads to the Connecticutbah System with his droid companion R2-ALF2 in order to continue his training as a Post Whore under the direction of Yodames - a diminutive yet powerful Posting Master and former President of the Old Dameocracy, as directed by a vision of Obi-Will Helmeti Princess Welsh, Bank Solo, Soulbacca and the droid Agnes make their way to CloudCity.com/forums, a gas-mining colony moderated by an "old friend" of Bank's named Kotzo Kylierian. Initially betrayed by Kylierian, they become the captives of Vadersault, who proceeds to torture them. Dave, as Vadersault hoped, senses through The Whorce that his friends are in distress and, disobeying Yodames's warning, goes to CloudCity.com/forums to rescue them. There, he meets with Vadersault and the two fight in an epic dutchsaber duel, where Dave's undeveloped Poster skills are no match for Vadersault. During the course of this fight, Vadersault reveals to Dave that he is his father in perhaps one of the most memorable scenes in cinema history. Vadersault hands over Bank Solo to bounty hunter Boba Piss who has him entombed in posting suspension. This procedure places Solo in a state of suspended activity and Piss transports him to Sankttooine to receive a bounty from board gangster JennTaSA the Hutt (to whom Bank owed an apology). Welsh, Soulbacca, Agnes and R2-ALF2 are able to escape from CloudCity.com/forums with the aid of the redeemed Kylierian, but Welsh mysteriously senses Dave is in trouble. Despite having his spelling skills amputated in combat, Dave manages to escape from Vadersault and hangs precariously on an antenna subsite under the forums until Welsh and Kotzo are able to return and rescue him. The group was almost caught when they learned the hard way with Vadersault in pursuit that the Millennium Fletch's hyperdrive system was deactivated to prevent their escape. However, R2-ALF2 managed to fix the system just in time for the ship to get away. The film ends on a medical ship, where Dave is outfitted with a new (although faulty) spelling ability. He, Dave and the droids see Kotzo and Soulie off as they begin their quest to rescue Bank. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest cobainwasmurdered Report post Posted June 24, 2004 where Dave is outfitted with a new (although faulty) spelling ability. BASO. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fook Report post Posted June 24, 2004 I demand dialog, not a brief synopsis. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest cobainwasmurdered Report post Posted June 24, 2004 that's coming. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nighthawk 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2004 I think I've guessed who I'm going to be. If I'm right, I love it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedHermit 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2004 Who am I? Who am I? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest cobainwasmurdered Report post Posted June 24, 2004 I give most credit to Kotz. I came up with some ideas and names and he went nuts with it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2004 I think I've guessed who I'm going to be. If I'm right, I love it. Who do you think you are? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nighthawk 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2004 Well, I wouldn't want to spoil it. Surprises are good. I'll pm it to you. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Spaceman Spiff 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2004 IDRM = Sarlacc Pit? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2004 Nope, the Sarlacc pit is someone else. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest FrigidSoul Report post Posted June 24, 2004 I guess you can say that Boba Piss suspended Dave in a "FrozenBlockOfPiss"...eh? eh?...nothing? Well I liked it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Spaceman Spiff 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2004 Nope, the Sarlacc pit is someone else. Oh, well. Thought it would work well with his "I Drink" name. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2004 There are still loads of casting surprises left. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JacK Report post Posted June 24, 2004 I bet I get nothing 'cause I'm a nobody. Still it's kinda funny though. Yay. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Anglesault Report post Posted June 24, 2004 Fuck. Are people going to hold me responsible for cwm's spelling? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
caboose 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2004 I wish I had been Lando... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
{''({o..o})''} 0 Report post Posted June 24, 2004 Silly, you can't be Lando because you have no legs. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted June 25, 2004 INTERIOR: UGS -- REBEL FORUM -- COMMAND THREAD A makeshift command thread has been set up in a blasted area of thick ice. The low-ceilinged thread is a beehive of activity. Lurkers, posters, and droids move about setting up electronic equipment and monitoring login signals. General Illkan straightens up from a console at Bank's approach. ILLKAN: Solo? BANK: No sign of e-life out there, General. The sensors are in place. You'll know if anything comes around. ILLKAN: Commander Cobainwalker reported in yet? BANK: No. He's checking out a virus that hit near him. ILLKAN: (indicates login screen) With all the virus activity in this board, it's going to be difficult to spot approaching Imperial mods. Taking a deep breath, Bank blurts out what is on his mind. BANK: General, I've got to leave. I can't stay anymore. Princess Welsh, standing at a console nearby, is dressed in a short white combat jacket and pants. Her hair is braided across her head in a Nordic fashion. She reads their conversation and seems somewhat distressed. ILLKAN: I'm sorry to hear that. BANK: Well, there's a price on my head. If I don't pay off JennTaSA the Hutt, I'm a Ghast man. ILLKAN: A Ghast mark's not an easy thing to live with. You're a good flamer, Solo. I hate to lose you. Bank sticks around. BANK: Yeah, I know, someone as wonderful as me is a great loss for any flaming force... ILLKAN: I said I hate to lose you. BANK: Totally, nary a single poster in this server can match my flash and flair... ILLKAN: Okay, we hate to see you go... BANK: Sure the Bostiee smells a little, but you know you've gotta love the two of us, me blazing the way, him hanging from my testicles... ILLKAN: GOOD... BYE! BANK: Thank you, General. He turns to Welsh as Illkan moves away. BANK: (with feeling) Well, Your Highness, I guess this is it. WELSH: That's right. Welsh is angry. Bank sees she has no warmth to offer him. He shakes his head and adopts a sarcastic tone, what else did you expect from him? BANK: (cooly) Well, don't get all mushy on me. So long, Princess. Bank walks away into the quiet index adjoining the command thread. Welsh stews a moment, then hurries after him. INTERIOR: UGS -- REBEL FORUM -- ICE INDEX WELSH: Bank! Bank stops in the index and turns to face Welsh. BANK: Yes, Your Highnessness? WELSH: I thought you decided to stay. BANK: Well, the troll hunter we ran into on Wrestleline changed my mind. WELSH: Bank, we need you! BANK: We? WELSH: Yes. BANK: Oh, what about you need? WELSH: (mystified) I need? I don't know what you're talking about. BANK: (shakes his head, fed up) You probably don't. Not many understand the resplendence that is me. WELSH: And what precisely am I supposed to know? BANK: Come on! You want me to stay because of the way you feel about me. WELSH: Yes. You're a great help to us. You're a natural leader... BANK: No! That's not it. Come on. Aahhh -- uh huh! Come on. He starts to dance like Justin Timberlake, and Welsh stares at him, understanding, then laughs, as anyone would at Bank in this situation. WELSH: You're imagining things. BANK: Am I? Then why are you following me? Afraid I was going to leave without giving you a goodbye post? WELSH: I'd just as soon kiss a Bostiee. Bank looks like he just got 0wned by a girl... again, but he regains his composure. BANK: I can arrange that. You could use a good kiss! Angrily, Bank strides down the index as Welsh stares after him. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted June 25, 2004 There may be room for you in the prequels if your posting improves. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest cobainwasmurdered Report post Posted June 25, 2004 you'll be lucky to be a prop Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Mandarin 0 Report post Posted June 25, 2004 Can I be that blue elephant-looking guy who's in Jabba the Hutt's band? I always liked him, he played a mean kazoo. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest FrigidSoul Report post Posted June 25, 2004 My big scene doesn't come until Episode VI when I'll be puting Agnes back together after he's disassembled for pissing off Jaba...or TSaA...whatever you called the Hutt Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted June 25, 2004 EXTERIOR: UGS -- FLUFF FIELD -- DEAD HOURS Dave lies face down in the fluff, nearly unconscious. Slowly he looks up and sees Obi-Will Helmeti, barely visible through the blowing fluff. It is hard to tell if Helmeti is real or a hallucination. WILL: Dave... Dave! DAVE: (weakly) Will? WILL: You will go to the Connecticutbah system. DAVE: Connecticutbah system? WILL: There you will learn from Yodames, the Posting Master and former head of the Old Dameocracy who instructed me. The image of Will fades, revealing a lone Thumbtack rider approaching from the windswept horizon. DAVE: (groaning faintly) Will...Will... Dave drops into unconsciousness. Bank pulls up and leaps off his mount. He hurries to his fluff-covered friend, cradling him in his arms. Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away” plays until Bank's Thumbtack lets out a low, pitiful bellow. But Bank's concern is with Dave, and he shakes him urgently, thinking maybe it’ll bring the music back. BANK: Dave! Dave! Don't do this, Dave. Come on, give me a sign here. I TOLD you that you took this stuff too seriously! Dave doesn't respond. Bank begins frantically rubbing and slapping Dave's unconscious face. He slaps him a few more times for fun. As he starts to lift the youth, Bank hears a rasping sound behind him. He turns, just in time to see his Thumbtack stagger and then fall over into the fluff. Bank carries Dave to the moaning beast. Then, with a final groan, the Thumbtack expires. BANK: Not much time. He pushes Dave's inert form against the belly of the dead beast. DAVE: (moaning) Will...Will... BANK: Hang on, kid. DAVE: Connecticutbah system... Bank ignites Dave's dutchsaber and cuts the beast from head to toe after observing how the dutchsaber has the ability to expand and contract. He quickly tosses Thumbtack's steaming innards into the snow, then lifts Dave's inert form and stuffs him inside the carcass. BANK: (reeling from the odor) Whew... DAVE: Connecticutbah... BANK: This may smell bad, kid... DAVE: (moaning) Yodames... BANK: ...but it will keep you warm...til I get the shelter built. (struggling to get Luke in the carcass) Ooh...I thought they smelled bad on the outside! The wind has picked up considerably, making it difficult to move. Bank removes a pack from the dead creature's back, taking out a shelter container. He begins to set up what can only be a pitiful protection against a bitter UGS night. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted June 25, 2004 My big scene doesn't come until Episode VI when I'll be puting Agnes back together after he's disassembled for pissing off Jaba...or TSaA...whatever you called the Hutt That scene is in Episode V, and Agnes is blown away by mod suckups, not disassembled by order of JennTaSA the Hutt. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Spaceman Spiff 0 Report post Posted June 25, 2004 Isn't Dames too short to play Yoda? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Art Sandusky 0 Report post Posted June 25, 2004 INTERIOR: REBEL FORUM -- CONTROL THREAD. Alarms sound throughout the hidden Rebel forum. In the control thread, a controller urgently gestures for General Illkan to check a computer login search. CONTROLLER: General, there's a fleet of Imperial Admins entering the board in forum four. ILLKAN: Reroute all power to the auto-ban shield. We've got to hold them till all transports are away. Prepare for gimmick assault and one-dimensional arguments. Illkan exits hurriedly. INTERIOR: VADERSAULT'S SUPER ADMIN -- VADERSAULT'S MEMBER PAGE -- MEDITATION SETTINGS The dark webpage is illuminated by a single shaft of light which falls on the brooding Dark Poster as he sits on a raised meditation cube. General Marvin enters the room and approaches the silent, unmoving Vadersault. Although seemingly very sure of himself while looking like an imposing Kanesoidic, Marvin is still not bold enough to interrupt the meditating poster. The younger general stands quietly at attention until the evil presence speaks. VADERSAULT: What is it, General? MARVIN: My lord, the fleet has moved out of search engine-speed. Com-Scan has detected an auto-ban field protecting an area around the sixth board of the UGS system. The field is strong enough to deflect any conventional registrations. VADERSAULT: (angrily) The Rebels are alerted to our presence. Admiral Hermit came out of search engine-speed too close to the system. MARVIN: He felt surprise was wiser... VADERSAULT: He is as clumsy as he is stupid. He can’t flame either. I have no idea why I made him an Admiral in the first place. General, prepare your suckups for a gimmick attack while telling them how Ortonians can’t lick the boots of the Anglematiors and repeat it until their morale is in shambles. MARVIN: Yes, my lord. Marvin turns smartly and leaves as Vadersault activates a large viewscreen showing the bridge of his mighty ship. Admiral Hermit appears on the viewscreen, standing slightly in front of Captain JustSoYouPiett. HERMIT: Lord Vadersault, the fleet has moved out of search engine-speed, and we're preparing to...Aaagh! VADERSAULT: You have failed me for the last time, Admiral. Had you just posted better you might have survived. Captain JustSoYouPiett. JustSoYouPiett steps forward, as the admiral moves away, slightly confused. Vadersault uses the Whorce to float a Dunce cap onto Admiral Hermit’s head, which falls off as he starts touching his throat. It begins to constrict painfully. JUSTSOYOUPIETT: Yes, my lord. VADERSAULT: Make ready to land out suckup gimmick accouns beyond the auto-ban shield and deploy the admins so that nothing gets off that system. You are in command now, Admiral JustSoYouPiett. Ryan Adams may only be played during long search-engine speed trips. JUSTSOYOUPIETT: ...Thank you, Lord Vadersault. JustSoYouPiett's pleasure about his unexpected promotion is not an unmixed emotion. He glances warily at the struggling Admiral Hermit who, with a final choke, stumbles and falls into a lifeless heap before him. JustSoYouPiett kicks him a few times before walking off. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedHermit 0 Report post Posted June 25, 2004 No offense, but wouldn't that role have gone better to Choken One? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
