For All You Mall Brawlers Out There

[muzz 0]

http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/index.php?...topic=24714&hl=

 

Mall Brawl 1 and 2, and as a bonus, Mall Brawl 2 star Josh Stark's promo before the big match.

 

http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/index.php?showtopic=5470&hl=

 

Wheeeeee.

[muzz 0]

Mall Brawl 3:

 

http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/index.php?showtopic=25054

 

And 4, I think:

 

http://forums.thesmartmarks.com/index.php?...topic=36883&hl=

 

... +1

[Guest Pa|adin]

OMGZ who ams teh Pa|adin and why is he posting?

 

Here's Muzz's fairly rushed ( I just had a glance at it again and it has loads of mistakes ) losing Mall Brawl, starring Christian Blackwell.

 

 

------------------------------

 

It's time for SJL Malice in Wonderland! The fans in the arena are buzzing with excitement as they await this special Junior League event to begin. As the camera does one last pass through the sea of happy faces, we cross to the commentary desk, where the greatest heel ever in the SWF, the Suicide King, and the one-legged Aussie, Axis, sit.

 

( Axis ) "Welcome everybody to SJL Malice in Wonderland!"

 

( King ) "Yes folks, we've let the little leaguers out of their cages for one night, in hopes that you will be entertained by their delightful antics!"

 

( Axis ) " Don't be silly King, we don't actually treat the Junior Leaguers that way..."

 

Somewhere in the arena, Stone Froze whimpers and cries in his cage.

 

( King ) "Anyway Axis, I have been looking forward to his for a long time. This event is a great excuse to show off my new tuxedo!"

 

( Axis ) "Omgz! It beingz lookingz like minez! Amazingz!"

 

( King ) "You're just jealous Aussie boy."

 

( Axis ) "Very. Anyway, we have an absolutely stacked card tonight, and it has just been announced, Johnny Dangerous, Fugue, Ejiro and the Wildchild are to go to the big leagues, the SWF after this event! We wish them the best of luck for the future."

 

( King ) "... Replacing Xero."

 

( Axis ) "Don't be silly King, no one could do that. to kick proceedings off tonight, it was such a highly regarded event last year that we're bringing it back once again. That's right, ladies and gentleman, prepare yourselves for the 3rd ever Junior League mall brawl!"

 

( King ) "I myself have been looking forward to this. The Mall Brawl is such a unique event, anything can happen when we release 7 rabid Junior Leaguers among the general populace, in search of the golden balloon!"

 

( Axis ) "Ah, but they don't know this King, they just know that there is a ticket somewhere on the third floor, and they must find it. And as a special treat, to call all the action for the mall brawl, last years winner and last years *loser*, Vanguard and Josh Stark!"

 

--------------------------------------

 

We cross live to the mall in Houston Texas, where a special commentary position has been set up, and Vanguard and Stark sit behind the desk, monitors in place, ready to call the action.

 

( Vanguard ) "Thankyou Axis! This will indeed be a fun and unique event, and I should know! Tonight, seven men will unleash hell on this quaint little mall, and to find one solitary ticket, and if they find this ticket, they will be declared the winner. But, on the ticket will be written something special, but no one but the highest Junior League authorities know what's written, so this promises to be an exciting evening! Oh, and I'm joined by Josh Stark."

 

( Stark ) "Josh Stark demands more enthusiasm in his entrance! I had to take time out of my busy movie making schedule to be here tonight!"

 

( Vanguard ) "Ah, the film? Pray tell, what are you currently filming?"

 

( Stark ) "The invisible flesh eating zombie's invade! ... Part II, starring Josh Stark!"

 

( Vanguard ) "I'll be sure to rent it in a few years. Anyway! 'Tis time to cross to Funyon to kick this brawl off for another year!"

 

( Stark ) "Funyon's overrated, I could do that job so much better."

 

Funyon stands with a mic in hand, in front of the information kiosk, flanked by referees on either side of him. On the floor above are Junior League fans, lucky enough to come for the event this evening. They even bring their own signs drawn in crayon, which read "I like Cutthroat," "I like Insane Luchador," And "I like Cutthroat," Thus proving that the people of Texas have an IQ nothing short of a doorstop. Funyon raises the mic to his lips, as the motley crew of wrestlers gather in a spread out group, no man getting to close to each other.

 

( Funyon ) "Welcome ladies and gentleman to the 3rd annual Junior League Mall Brawl! Tonight, these seven men will do battle, in search of a ticket located somewhere on the third floor. Introducing the competitors, in no particular order... From Sydney, Australia, He is the Smarks Junior League European champion, one big, bad Australian, give it up, for JANUS!"

 

The small JL crowd in attendance make a surprising amount of noise as they boo and hiss the Euro champ, who just ignores the fans, giving a smug look their way.

 

( Funyon ) "His opponent, from Easton, Pennsylvania, Andrew Rickmen, the INSANE LUCHADOR!"

 

IL smiles as he does a back flip onto the kiosk desk, and then flips back off, landing perfectly. The rest of the contestant’s just shake their heads and grunt, but the fans cheers madly for the man with the crazy look in his eyes.

 

( Funyon ) "The next contestant, from Harrison, Illinois, the Amazin' One, MICK VAN SCILEN!"

 

( Mike ) - Uh, that's Mike.

 

( Funyon ) "MICK VAN SCILEN EVERYBODY!"

 

The fans boo as Mike grumbles.

 

( Funyon ) "Their opponent, from Detroit Michigan, he wants you all to buy the shirt he is, of course, LEON SHARPE!"

 

Sharpe raises his arms into the air with T-shirts in hand, and the fans reach out ready to catch one.

 

( Sharpe ) "And of course you can all buy a shirt after the show!"

 

The fans don't like that very much, but still cheer because they're stupid.

 

( Funyon ) "Please welcome to the Smarks Junior League, from New Haven, Conneticut, he is, OMEGA STORM!"

 

Storm just smirks as the fans boo the new kid on the block. He flips them all the bird before promising to beat them all to a pulp.

 

"O...k, next, an old favourite of the SJL, from somewhere in particular, insert achievements here, he is CUTTHROAT!"

 

The cheers heard are enormous as Cutthroat runs around slapping hands with random people until he is physically restrained my mall security.

 

"And last but not least, also new to the Junior League, from Rosslare Ireland, he is CHRISTIAN BLACKWELL!"

 

Across from the rest of the group, silently leaning against a wall, arms crossed, is Blackwell, taking everything in his stride. The rest of the group eye him suspiciously, thinking him too calm for such an event.

 

( Funyon ) "So without further a do... let this Mall brawl begin!"

 

Funyon slowly, slowly raises the pistol into the air, his finger pressing on the trigger... but before he can fire, Janus literally jumps the gun and punches Cutthroat in the face. Funyon glares at the Aussie.

 

( Janus ) "Oops, sorry."

 

Funyon eyes him suspiciously (albeit with a thankful smile) as he prepares the fire the first shot, but once again he's stopped as Van Scilen's knee meets Cutthroat's groin.

 

( Mike ) "My mistake."

 

( Vanguard ) "Everyone is taking illegal shots at Cutthroat! Too bad I have this bad leg, or I'd go and help the poor citizen!"

 

( Stark) "What about that owl of yours then, hmmm?

 

( Vanguard) "... He also, has a bad leg."

 

Funyon sighs, cocking the starting pistol once more, but Janus smacks Cutthroat again.

 

( Janus) "Me again."

 

( Funyon ) " Ok, that's it."

 

Funyon calls for security, and two burly, overweight mall security guards pick an already wounded and crying Cutthroat off the ground, taking him away the other competitors for his own safety. As Funyon prepares the fire, the security guards start taking potshots at the jobber from his behind Funyon's back, but without any objections, this match starts...

 

*Bang!*

 

Now! Instead off dissapating to different parts of the mall in search of the prize, the combatants all turn to each other and attack! Andrew Rickmen turns to an old foe in Mike Van Scilen and lands a hard punch, knocking him over the info kiosk. He reaches over to pick him up, but Mike grabs him by the hair and flips him over the desk! As Mike wails on the Luchador, Janus clubs Leon Sharpe in the back, knocking him into a wall. Cutthroat breaks lose from the security guards and bursts at Omega Storm, who seems overwhelmed by the event, looking around with stars in his eyes. He spots Cutthroat however, hopping onto a nearby wooden bench and leaping at him with a crossbody splash. Storm catches the high-flying jobber and throws him into a fake palm tree prop. Blackwell, who has stood silently this whole time, begins to walk away down the hall with no one in pursuit.

 

( Vanguard ) "Blackwell has the mind of a champion, not getting involved in the others petty squabbles!"

 

( Stark ) "'Mind of a champion'? It's cowardice! He should get in there and fight, show everyone what he's got! After all, it's what I'd do, and look damn good in the process"

 

( Vanguard ) "I think you'd be more likely to get stuck up on a shelf in a sports store."

 

Vanguard cheekily smiles as Stark pouts.

 

( Stark ) "Now that wasn't funny... I'm afraid of heights."

 

( Vanguard ) "Lucky your career didn't reach any great heights then."

 

Mike lifts Rickmen back up, throwing his head against the desk. He stops however, spotting a new arrival just enter the mall, with his... Eastern United States title over his shoulder!

 

( Munich ) "My precious... 300 days and counting!"

 

Mike slaps Rickmen to wake him up, but thinking they were still brawling, the Luchador slaps back. Mike puts his finger up, and points to Munich, whistling to himself as he skips down the mall. Rickmen looks at Munich, then turns to Mike and smiles evilly, and the two men follow Munich up the mall., rubbing their hands together gleefully.

 

( Vanguard ) "Van Scilen and Luchador seem to have teamed up to take on Munich!

 

( Stark ) "That Munich, he is such an egomaniac! A primadonna!

 

Vanguard stares at Stark.

 

( Stark ) "What? Hey, just because I'm all those things doesn't mean I like other people like that!"

 

With his eyes firmly set up finding the prize, Janus takes it to Sharpe some more, grabbing him by the scruff of the neck and throwing him into a nearby shop window! Sharpe's head hits, and goes rolling back on the mall floor. Janus seems bemused as he lifts Sharpe back up and throws him into the glass, but no shattering effect! Janus grumbles as he clutches Sharpe, takes a few paces back, and throws him into the glass again! Sharpe hits the glass and stumbles away.

 

( Sharpe ) "Could you not do that any more? It really, really hurts y'know."

 

Janus grumbles as he punches Sharpe square in the forehead and takes him through the store entrance. Meanwhile, Storm follows Blackwell, thinking he knows something the others don't. But Cutthroat, the little terrier, he charges after Omega again, but Storm simply takes one step to the left, and Cutthroat goes barrelling end over end into the food court, falling across a families table and spilling all their food.

 

( Cutthroat ) "Sorry! But I have more important things to attend to!"

 

The family all bands together as they grab Cutthroat, throw him on the table and start taking shots at him themselves! Storm just shrugs as he joins them, stomping on Cutthroat's groin. As Cutthroat is pummelled by Storm and the Petersen family of Oak Tree Street, Blackwell walks down the mall, stopping by a nearby bakery.

 

( Blackwell ) "Excuse me miss, but do you know where the prize for the mall brawl is?"

 

( Woman ) "Well, not exactly... first you gotta buy something, then I'll tell you."

 

Blackwell grumbles as he pulls out his wallet, looking at the selection.

 

( Blackwell ) "Ok, just give me one of those rolls, thanks"

 

( Woman ) "Thank you very much, anyway, I heard that the ticket is someone where on the third floor. Good luck!"

 

Blackwell nods as he walks away, taking a bite out of his roll.

 

( Blackwell ) "... Stale."

 

Blackwell is about to throw his purchase away, but spots none other than SWF Superstar (Ha!) Ash Ketch- Uh, Michael Craven, leaning up against the wall, looking as sleazy as can be, taking to a lovely short haired girl. She looks uncomfortable and edgy as Mike talks to her.

 

( Craven ) "So babe, how's about we go back to my hotel room? I have a nurse Joy costume that would look just perfect on you!"

 

( Woman ) "Uhm, you do know I'm a lesbian, right? I don't exactly go for guys..."

 

( Craven ) " That hasn't stopped me in the past! LOL! "

 

As Craven trails off into his 'Ranma's curse' routine, Blackwell grabs a bin from nearby and dumps it on Craven's head. Blackwell then gives the barrel a kick and Craven goes rolling down the mall. Blackwell gives a nod to woman, and she thanks him appreciatively.

 

( Stark ) "Silly Craven, only I could ever have a chance with a lesbian!"

 

Blackwell has no time to celebrate his Craven humiliation, as another newbie to the JL, Omega Storm, runs up from behind him and elbow's him in the head! Blackwell falls forward as Storm begins to stalk him, but Blackwell retaliates, clubbing Storm in the head with the stale roll!

 

( Vanguard ) "And Blackwell deals out the justice! I guess Texas isn't known for it's quality bread rolls, the roll literally shattered on impact!"

 

( Stark ) "Speaking of shattered, look at Sharpe!"

 

Leon Sharpe, a lump on his head after Janus' failed attempt to throw him through the window, grabs some china off the antique shop shelf. As Janus searches for Sharpe down one isle, Sharpe lies in wait, the dinner plate at the ready. As Janus comes around the corner, wham! The plate hits Janus in the head, but doesn't break! Sharpe swings again, knocking Janus into a row of decorative pots, but again it doesn't break!

 

( Sharpe ) "Hey, are you the manager? Why won't anything in this store break!?"

 

( Manager ) "They told me you were coming."

 

Sharpe groans, as Janus picks up a small samurai statue and swings it into Sharpe stomach. Leon stumbles backward out of the store, winded and short of breath, with Janus in close pursuit. Munich is now running, fleeing from the wrath Mike Van Scilen and Insane Luchador , who give close chase. Munich throws mall patrons into their path, but they just no sell them and gain on Munich. The Eastern United States "champion" reaches the lift, frantically pressing the buttons and diving in, as Mike and Rickmen rush up to the doors, only for them to close on the two. Mike and Rickmen, both huffing and puffing, sweat dripping from their foreheads, curse themselves, finally looking up at each other. They finally realise that they're actually opponents in this match, and start trading blows! Storm and Blackwell come into view, as Omega kicks Christian in the stomach, holding him in a standing headscissors! But Blackwell lifts his head and throws Omega over his shoulders, right onto the escalator rail!

 

( Stark ) "I don't like this Blackwell, he's too much... well, like you!"

 

( Vanguard ) "Pipe down, at least I don't have a thing for 250 pound women in lingerie."

 

( Stark ) "... Ok, that was Frost, not me, I had no idea that was a lingerie store, it was his idea!"

 

( Vanguard ) "Whatever the case may be, this brawl is starting to erupt, as Cutthroat suddenly appears back on the scene!"

 

Indeed he does, dropkicking Sharpe over a bench. As Blackwell scurries up the escalator, Omega crotched on the rail going up, Janus grabs a celebrating Cutthroat and tosses him into a pharmacy. Throat stumbles and crashes into a display of birth control pills, as Janus charges at him, but Cutthroat, in a bizarre moment of brilliance, monkey flips Janus onto the front desk of the pharmacy! Janus blades himself and then turns to the camera, showing the blood dripping down his face. In an anti-climatic moment, the stores staff quickly grab some disinfectant and bandages and start to patch him up. Janus growls and knocks them away, stalking Cutthroat as he runs out of the store, fearful of the Aussie.

 

Down by the foot of the escalators, Mike gains the upper hand in the slugfest and kicks IL in the breadbasket, grabbing his head under his arm and hitting a DDT on the floor! At the top of the escalators, Blackwell waits patiently as Storm reaches the top, still stuck on the rail. Blackwell crouches, and then hops forward, nailing a superkick to Omega's jaw and knocking him back down the escalator!

 

Sharpe stands in front of a toy store, kneeling down to the little kiddies and trying to pawn off some of the shirts he bought with him.

 

( Sharpe ) "C'mon kid, only 50 bucks! I'll even throw in this dinner plate that I hit Janus with, surely it will be a collectors item after I win!"

 

Sharpe walks away slowly as the kid starts to cry. Sharpe looks around, and finds Cutthroat, looking over his shoulder, trying to lose Janus in the shuffle. Cutthroat doesn't see Sharpe ahead of him, and Leon lifts the jobber up onto his shoulders. Sharpe doesn't see Janus charge towards him, ducking his head and spearing Sharpe, as all three men stumble and fall into a crate of ping-pong balls!

 

( Stark ) "Ok, why would you need *that* many ping pong balls?"

 

( Vanguard ) "I know someone with a lack of-"

 

( Stark ) "Hey! Aren't you supposed to be a champion of justice? Why all the teasing!?"

 

( Vanguard ) "You took Mark Stevens' spot here tonight, and I'm a bitter, bitter superhero."

 

At the foot of the escalators, Storm and Rickmen climb to their feet. Omega walks a little funny after crotching himself on the rail, and IL has quite the lump on his forehead. They both look up to the top of the escalators, watching Blackwell run down the mall. Storm vows revenge as he runs up the escalators, IL finds the steps blocked, so jumps up onto the rail and tight rope walks to the top! Omega swears to himself as he watches IL flip him the bird and chase after Blackwell!

 

In the toy store, Janus and Sharpe play hide and seek down the isles again, until they meet. They stand silent, wary of each other, looking around for some sort of weapon. Sharpe grabs a package and rips it apart, taking out a plastic sword and shield. Janus looks around, finding SWF action figures. He picks up the Strangler figurine, but hugs it and puts it back, instead grabbing a life size cardboard cut out of the HVille Thugg. The two charge down the isle, as Sharpe swings his sword, but Janus' cardboard Thugg no sells the blow. Janus swings Thugg and clobbers Sharpe in the head knocking him back out into the mall. As Janus and Sharpe leave, basically stealing items from the store, an SWF official comes up to the counters and pays for anything taken. Cutthroat climbs out of the vat of ping-pong balls and decides he's had enough punishment, heading towards the lift.

 

( Vanguard ) "Janus gained overness from this segment."

 

( Stark ) "Leon Sharpe lost overness from this segment."

 

On the second floor the carnage continues, as a much more spritely Insane Luchador chases down Blackwell, jumping onto his back and applying a sleeper! Blackwell swings IL around, trying to shake him off, but the plucky luchador hangs on for dear life! Blackwell swings IL into a wall, but Rickmen is determined to bring Blackwell down, as he suddenly swings himself around on Blackwell's shoulders, hitting a Hurricanrana! Blackwell gets back to his feet, stumbling around, as IL pounds on him and takes him down the mall, Omega not too far behind.

 

( Vanguard ) "Janus and Sharpe are beating the hell out of each other on the first floor, Insane Luchador has overwhelmed Blackwell on the second, but just one question... Where's Mike?"

 

Unbeknownst to everyone, Mike is now on the third floor after catching a ride in the lift! He desperately searches various stores, ripping apart books, opening packages, looking for the ticket. He asks mall patrons if they know, but to no success. Suddenly, he stops, eying something across the mall, Munich!

 

( Mike ) "Munich must be here for a reason... he must have the ticket!"

 

Mike laughs triumphantly as he runs through the crowds of Texans. Munich hears the commotion and looks around, his eyes growing wide as he spots Mike on a rabid charge.

 

( Munich ) "You'll never get my belt!"

 

Munich runs away again, as IL takes Blackwell to school, hitting him with right hand after right hand, finally knocking him into a gentleman’s club. Rickmen backs Blackwell up against the bar, hitting him with forearm blows as everyone in the pub just stares in silence. Blackwell grabs IL by the collar and is about to retaliate when both men stop and look around, realising where they are.

 

( Bartender ) "What'll it be gentleman?"

 

The Luchador and Blackwell look at each other and let go, their Irish blood wanting a taste of...

 

( Rickmen and Blackwell ) "Guiness thanks."

 

The noise inside the bar rises again as everyone goes back to talking and laughing, especially Rickmen and Blackwell, who have Guiness chugging contests, mush to the delight of the gentleman in the bar. Omega Storm is seen rushing past the bar, and then back tracking, watching IL and Blackwell inside the pub. He grins and runs towards them, spearing both men off their stools! Storm picks himself up, as silence reigns over the bar again. Storm now has a confused smile, as the two merry drinkers pick themselves up, completely doused in the black liquid. They stare at Storm.

 

( Blackwell ) "You spilt..."

 

( Rickmen ) "My Guiness..."

 

( Blackwell ) "You bastard..."

 

Passer by suddenly leap out of the way as Storm is sent flying out of the bar! Blackwell and IL charge after Storm, who decides wisely it's better the run then to brawl with two drunk Irishman. Back on the third level, Mike stands in the centre of the mall, people passing around him, not able to find Munich his old foe.

 

( Vanguard ) "I think that Mike thinks that Munich has the ticket! We know better though don't we."

 

( Stark ) "Still, this should make for some quality entertainment when Mike catches up with him!"

 

Hiding, holding himself in fear, Munich sits inside a bouncy castle set up for the kid’s fun day.

 

( Munich ) "No way he'll find me in here!"

 

( Kid ) "Do you want to play?"

 

( Munich ) "Buzz off kid! I'm trying to hide!"

 

Munich picks the kid up and sends him flying out of the castle, starting to bounce around himself! Mike Van Scilen walks down the mall, stopping near the bouncy castle and addressing a crowd of children and parents.

 

( Mike ) "Has anyone seen a big, goofy looking guy, possibly retarded, carrying a gold belt?"

 

The crowd point at the bouncy castle in unison, and Mike runs towards it, jumping inside. Munich suddenly stops his merriment, gripping hold of his title belt. Mike issues an ultimatum.

 

( Mike ) "I know you have the ticket Munich, now give it to me!"

 

( Munich ) "You won't get my title! It belongs to me!"

 

( Mike ) "Give me the ticket!"

 

Van Scilen awkwardly runs across the bouncy surface, but Munich shows off what little skill his has, driving his knee into Mike's stomach! Munich grabs Mike in a standing headscissors and lifts him up onto his shoulders, slamming him down with a powerbomb! Munich is elated as he runs out to the crowd.

 

( Munich ) "Did you see that!? That was me, Munich, Eastern United States champion for 300 consecutive days absolutely owning Mike Van Scilen! I still haven't lost my touch!"

 

Munich jumps up and down in victory, but behind him, Mike gets back up, discovering that getting powerbombed in a bouncy castle DOES NOT HURT. Mike walks up behind Munich and taps him on the shoulder...

 

( Munich ) " Huh?"

 

As Munich turns around, the camera suddenly switches to a shot of a dog wagging it's tail. After ten seconds of this, we suddenly cut back, as Munich somehow has a chair in his hands, and Mike fly kicks it into his face! Munich falls off the bouncy castle and hits the floor, as Mike jumps down and starts looting his pockets, finding a wallet (Which he keeps) but there's no ticket. A ref that followed Mike up to the third floor suddenly slides over and bangs his hand on the floor, and the fans chant along.

 

... "One!"

.

.

.

.

.

... "Two!"

.

.

.

.

.

... "T h r e e !"

 

Mike sits over Munich, still cursing that he didn't find the ticket, and then notices the fans around him cheering for some reason. His confusion is soon put to rest as Funyon gets on the mall loud speaker.

 

( Funyon ) "Your winner and the NEW! IGN Junior League (defunct) Eastern United States champion... Mike, Van, Scilllllleeeennnn!"

 

( Stark ) "Bahahaha! Mike was trying to find the mall brawl ticket, but instead, ends up winning Munich's title!"

 

( Vanguard ) "The SWF really has it in for Munich, don't they?"

 

Mike laughs and grabs Munich's title, getting to his feet and holding it aloft for all to see. Suddenly, his body jerks forward as Cutthroat hits a spinning wheel kick! The crowd's excitement grows as Cutthroat mounts on top of Mike and begins pummeling. Just below them on the second floor, Storm reaches the escalators and quickly sprints up, Blackwell and the Luchador in hot pursuit. Storm suddenly turns around and boots Blackwell in the face, knocking him down the escalator! Blackwell rolls down the steps, catching IL around the legs and knocking *him* down the steps! Storm cackles as he finds Mike and Cutthroat brawling over by Wendy's and making a beeline towards them.

 

( Vanguard ) "What a despicable thing to do! I don't like this Omega Storm one bit!"

 

( Stark ) "Man am I proud of him! It doesn't matter what you think Van, because Omega just bought himself some time! He's sure to find the ticket!"

 

Still on the first floor, Janus backs Sharpe against the emergency stairs door, swinging his life size cardboard Thugg at Leon, but missing as Sharpe nimbly dodges the blows. Janus takes a step back and charges at Sharpe, but the T-Shirt selling 300-pounder steps aside, and Janus busts open the door!

 

( Sharpe ) "Yaaaarrrrrrr!"

 

Leon makes like a pirate, as some epic music hits over the loudspeakers, and Sharpe and Janus do battle up the stairs. Sharpe swings his plastic sword down hard, but Janus can no sell using the power of Thugg. Sharpe swings his sword, just missing Janus' head by a hair, but scoring with a blow to thugg's head, ripping it right off!

 

( Stark ) " The HVille Thugg has been decapitated! Oh glorious day!"

 

The cardboard Thugg is hacked to pieces as he and Sharpe reach the top of the stairs, Sharpe burries his make believe sword into the Australian's beer belly, knocking him through the door to the mall. As Janus throws Thugg at Sharpe, knocking the sword and shield out of his hands, and IL and Blackwell trade blows up the escalator, Storm grabs Cutthroat and throws him into a women’s clothes store, knocking over a rack of bra's.

 

( Vanguard ) "Each man has made it to the third floor, and the place is erupting! A huge crowd has formed to watch these men go at it, but yet, they have no idea where the winning ticket is!"

 

Blackwell strikes IL and knock him onto all fours, as Sharpe stumbles backward after the Thugg's blow, and he trips over IL! The Luchador capitalises on this, getting to his feet and dropping elbows on Leon! Blackwell has not time to search though, as Janus locks him from behind in a hammerlock. Blackwell grabs Janus' head and snapmare's him into a sitting position, locking on a dragon sleeper! As Omega Storm ducks a shot form Mike's new title and mule kicks him in the stomach, Funyon gets over the loudspeaker.

 

( Funyon ) "Release!"

 

The ref inside the electronics shop nods and releases the balloon in his hand. The competitors take no notice however, as they keep on brawling with each other, Blackwell cinching in the Dragon sleeper harder, IL performing a beautiful standing moonsault on Sharpe, Cutthroat giggling like a school girl as he looks at the bra's and Storm lifting Mike up in a fireman’s carry. The balloon ascends to the stop of the mall, drawn in by a strategically placed fan. The balloon climbs higher, and higher, before the blades connect and...

 

*POP!*

 

The balloon is tore to shreds, and pieces of balloon fall from the sky, as each wrestler looks up, even Blackwell and Janus, still locked in a Dragon Sleeper. Each man lets go off there opponent, running towards the railing over looking the second and first floors, as a single, solitary piece of paper gently glides through the air, descending gradually. Each man's eyes light up as they watch it fall, and fall, and fall, their arms out ready to catch it...

 

But it's out of reach! The paper falls down to earth, landing on the top of the tall fountain by the entrance of the store.

 

( Vanguard ) "The ticket is now up for grabs, it's a race to the first floor, with each man at each other's throats, making sure they won't get there first!"

 

( Stark ) "Bahahaha, Cutthroat is wearing a lacy bra on his head!"

 

( Vanguard ) "Now seriously Stark, don't be so immature and watch this brawl... oh my god he is too."

 

Each man looks down at the ticket, then looks at the man next to them, and bolting towards the escalators! Insane Luchador leads the charge, being so much faster than the others. At the back of the pack, Janus and Sharpe slap each other in the face with backhand blows, but not enough to slow each other down. IL slides down the escalator, as Storm tries a daring move, leaping over the side of the balcony and falling to the floor below! Storm shouts some praise to himself, and even passers by boo. Mike Van Scilen and Blackwell pummel each other at the top of the escalator, until they both stumble and begin rolling down the escalator! Cutthroat follows close behind them, he's lost the bra, but some panties hang out the side of his pants.

 

( Stark ) "I'm afraid they might be his own."

 

( Vanguard ) "Stark, please, watch the match! These men are desperate to reach the ticket first, and Storm is in the lead! Winning this would do wonders for anyone career, just look at the HVille Thugg!"

 

( Stark ) "Or they may become a big *cough* B grade *cough* film star like me!"

 

Janus and Sharpe both have the same idea in mind: Head for the lift. Sharpe begins to accelerate away, but Janus grabs a broomstick from a nearby display and hooks Sharpe's ankle, tripping him up! Janus overtakes Leon and enters the lift, giving a little smile and a wave to Sharpe, who grumbles as he climbs to his feet, rushing down the escalator. On the second floor, Insane Luchador is behind Omega Storm by a whisker, so Storm decides to turn around try for a lariatooooo! But IL ducks! Both men turn around and fire standing sidekicks, knocking each other to the ground! Cutthroat runs past the two men with a big smile on his face, currently in the lead!

 

( Stark ) "Oh no... he can't, he just can't!"

 

( Vanguard ) "Cutthroat, added to his match at the last moment as a joke, is currently closer to the ticket than everyone else!"

 

Sharpe, with the broomstick Janus used on him in hand, reaches the lift on the first floor. As the door opens, Janus smiles, thinking he has this in the bag, until Sharpe swings the broomstick and clobbers him in the head! Janus stumbles forward as Sharpe begins laying into him with right hands, until several Sharpe fans remind him that he has to get the ticket! Leon begins running towards the fountain, as Janus climbs to his feet, two large bumps on his forehead now, but determined to get there before the rest! On the second floor, Blackwell chases Mike, seeing his opponents on the floor below near the fountain. Mike suddenly stops though, turns around and strikes Blackwell in the forehead with his title! Blackwell immediately goes down, blood escaping from the wound. Mike cackles evilly, until he runs straight into a wardrobe being wheeled in front of him! IL pushes the wardrobe towards the balcony and over, and crashing to the floor below! IL then leaps over the railing and falls, landing on his feet, but spraining his ankle! Storm follows suit, jumping over the side but landing in the water of the fountain. Every man bar Blackwell is now around the fountain, Sharpe and Janus climbing up together, but at each other's throats, literally. Cutthroat is nearest to the top, but Mike is close behind him, pulling him down by the ankle. IL hobbles towards the fountain and climbs up slowly, the new guy Storm just ahead of him reaching up for the ticket!

 

( Vanguard ) "Six men are closing in on the ticket, but only one man can claim the prize!"

 

( Stark ) "This is my chance! I'm fresh, I'm ready, I'm pretty, that ticket is mine!"

 

Stark jumps out from the desk and runs towards the fountain, leaping into the water and then starting to climb, and climbing faster than the others! On the floor above, Blackwell slowly climbs to his feet, shaking off the effects of a headache. He eyes suddenly grow wide as he watches seven men near the ticket. He looks around desperately, looking for something, anything to help him! He grabs a knife bottle from the glass blowers store and smashes it against the railing overlooking the floor below. He uses the sharp, serrated edge to cut through the rope that extends from over the two railings overlooking the fountain.

 

( Stark ) "There's no Owl to swoop down on me this year, no Vanguard to keep me down, this year is Josh Stark's turn to shine!"

 

( Janus ) "... Who the hell *are* you, mate?"

 

( Storm ) "No way I'm letting this opportunity slip by, out of my way!"

 

Stark's hand reaches up, his eyes twinkling with excitement, but just as his fingertips grip the ticket, Blackwell grabs the sawn off rope and swings down from the second floor, reaching down and taking the ticket from out of his hands! Blackwell swings across the first floor and jumps off, landing on his two feet, and calmly walking up the entrance of the store!

 

( Referee ) "Ladies and Gentleman, we have a winner!"

 

The men on the fountain just look on in despair as Funyon shakes Blackwell's hand and raises the mic.

 

( Vanguard ) "And Blackwell, using a daring move from the second floor, swings down and grabs victory from the jaws of the incompetent!"

 

( Funyon ) "The winner of the third annual Mall Brawl... CHRISTIAN BLACKWELL!"

 

The crowd in attendance cheer for the new guy, who goes down onto one knee, tired and hurt after the long encounter. Stark bangs his fist on the fountain as the others begin to get down, all of them absolutely buggered.

 

Blackwell looks down at his prize, reading the words inscribed. His eyes widen, and he throws the ticket on the ground in disgust, walking out the mall. The camera zooms in on the ticket...

 

"Admit one to a showing of "Swept Away" starring Madonna".

 

Back in the arena, King is in hysterics.

 

( King ) "Bwahahaha! Awww, Blackwell shouldn't be too sad, surely he could scalp the ticket or something.

 

( Axis ) "No he couldn't, burning it would be a more wiser alternative."

 

( King ) "You're right, but do you know what the best part is? I'm the one who organised the ticket!"

 

( Axis ) " You're an awful, awful man King, This means those men went through mall brawl hell for nothing!"

 

( King ) "Well, I sure am entertained!"

 

( Axis ) "Ugh, let's put this behind us, because we have a great show coming up for you including a world title match between Ejiro and Wildchild! So don't go away!"

 

( King ) " They payed for this event, why would they...?"

 

We leave the commentary desk once again, as a replay of Blackwell's daring Tarzan move is shown, and a shot of him having his arm raised by the referee. The crowd cheers as we cross back to the mall one last time, where the combatants are all leaving, except one...

 

( Stark ) "Somebody... anybody? Help me down? Please?"

 

Still clinging to the fountain.

[Sly 0]

Thank you, Muzzums. You are certainly a prince among men.

[Vasarian_Brandy 0]

(Laughs hard) Oh God... That's why I didn't remember Fury being in a Mall Brawl...

 

He never was! Well... Technically...

 

But... Let's just put it this way... That Omega Storm guy could've being 0wning j0000z!!!!111!!11!!1

 

EDIT: Hey, if anyone has a losing matches archive for that one... I'd love to get that match. I need inspiration.

 

EDIT 2: Might have just found it... Nevermind.

Edited July 29, 2004 by Vasarian_Brandy

[King Cucaracha 0]

Ha, Wrathapalooza. While you're reading the Mall Brawls guys, Supes' Korgath/Tybalt deserves a read. Funniest DNS ever.

[Vasarian_Brandy 0]

Well for those in the Mall Brawl, I dug up a nice piece of work that I did...

 

Yeah, maybe I'm tooting my own horn, but bite me.

 

Anyway, it was a losing match... But it was one I was rather proud of. A lot of comedy, good action... And decent spots galore. And it won props with the Mall Brawl winner that time around...

 

Though he did threaten to kick my ass. (Looks at Janus)

 

So here it is...

 

And, oh yes... The asterisked words were semi-intentional. I was fighting against a damn server-based censoring program. So... I just said, "Fuck it", and incorporated it into a 'network TV censoring deal' with the NFL.

 

Enjoy!

 

----------

 

(Voiceover on a black screen) Uhh... This is a note to all the networks: Because we're running close to Super Bowl time, we've decided to implement a censoring system on today's broadcast. So... All networks, get ready to field the complaints, and... It has nothing to do with us. Back to program.

 

The screen goes to static for a moment, and then...

 

Sheer and utter mayhe* are the call of the day as the cameraman pans the crowd in the arena. The mood can best be described as 'electric', as fans of all ages, backgrounds, sizes - Ugh... Some too big of a size - have crammed into the arena to witness the pagentry, the awe-inspiring stardom, the...

 

Aw, screw it. Everyone's here to watch for people getting broken, bloo*ied, and otherwise mangled. Because, like NASCAR, we all know that wrestling ain't anything without the crashes... Or something like that...

 

*Ahem* Where were we? Oh! The cameraman! He's taking in the crowd, watching crazy, excited, and possibly drunk people whooping and hollering with their signs: "Elves Do It In The Forest", "Spike The Punch!", "Cutthroat - '04"... Oooooh, someone just lit that one on fire. Guess they didn't like it. But be that as it may, everyone's attention is diverted from the flames to the ring as "Li'l Bloo*red Riding Hood" by Children of Bodom bursts forth from the speakers. The fans get whipped into a feverish pitch, and the camera view zooms down to the floor. It settles onto the announce table, and the faces (or heel and face, or... whatever) of our two resident yahoos...

 

But wait! Who's that behind them? The camera focuses in to find... No other then... David Carr, quarterback and full-time opposing teams' tackling dummy of the expansion Houston Texans! It's good to see David here after a harsh first season... Or, better yet... Still alive! He looks to carry some of the pain with him, as he's here in company of his strength trainer, a doctor, crutches, slings, and an IV drip of morphine. Poor guy. But, back to the announcers... Axis and The King!

 

(Axis, excitedly) We've gone down the rabbit hole, folks... And where we've wound up is beyond anyone's imagination! Greetings everyone, and welcome to Houston, Texas...

 

(King, in a low tone) Home of steers and quee*s...

 

(Axis, slightly distracted) And the Compaq Center, site of this pay-per-view event, SJL: Malice In Wonderland!

 

(King, in a serious tone) And if you haven't paid the low, low price of $69.95 to get all this excitement, I'll come to your place and douse your genitalia in gasoline and light it on fire.

 

(Axis, a little shocked) That's a bit extreme... Don't you think?

 

(King, haughty) Well, we here in the SJL don't take kindly to people that pirate our shi*. That's the one thing we can agree on, you ugly Aussie hoss.

 

(Axis, muttering) You don't have to be so vulgar, you know. We -are- still on TV.

 

(King) Ask me if I care, you flaming retard.

 

Axis sighs, then after a beat...

 

(Axis) Be that as it may... We've got a very exciting card on the table for tonight.

 

(King, smiling smugly) Well technically, Axis, it's not on the table. It's in the arena, and in the mall.

 

Axis looks at King for a second, then...

 

(Axis) Let's get you a run-down of the action tonight.

 

(King, muttering under breath) Stupid-ass Aussie can't take a joke...

 

(Axis, a little louder) We have a Tag Team Tables match featuring the team of Chris Card and Crow, facing off against Arianwyn Rivenstone and her escort, Nocturna Bloo*moon.

 

(King, sighing lus*ily) Ahhhhh, Arianwyn and Nocturna... The Disciples of Discord. Two fine-looking women that can come reign chaos in my world anytime. And you know damn well that Natasha's going to be there... Ahhhhh, Natasha... I'll give you the pain, baby... Oh yeah...

 

Axis reaches over and smacks King upside the head. The two glare at each other for a beat.

 

(Axis, grumbling) And what about Chris Card and Crow, King?

 

(King, after a beat) Yeah, they'll rip each other to shreds in their corner... Leaving more air time for the three hotties! Woo-hoo!

 

Axis sighs, shaking his head, then looks at the card.

 

(Axis) After that, we have... The Domin*tion In A Box match, featuring "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins and Dace Night. This one sounds like a hardcor* lovers' dream!

 

(King) Well, the military surplus store was having a "Going Out Of Business" sale, so the powers-that-be helped them out. I just about creamed myself when I saw this one: We've got C-4 explosi*es, barbed wire... Who knows what kind of weapons we'll be dropping in. I hope everyone likes pain and suffering, because there will be plenty of it to go around!

 

(Axis, a little disgusted) That... One... Should be drawing in the fans... (mutters under his breath) Though not because of your 'endorsement', King... (back to normal volume) We also have an Ultimate Fight match tonight. Johnny Dangerous, Fugue... Your thoughts, King?

 

(King, grumbling) This one might look like a cage match with a submission / TKO stip... But plain and simple, it's about respect. And that disgusts me. This match should not be following a Domin*tion In A Box match... This one shouldn't even be on the card! Just set the guys in a room with some por*o mags and tapes, and...

 

(Axis, holding up a hand) Don't even go there. I'll just say that this match has been brewing for a long, long while, and I can't wait to see the result. Wrestling at its finest.

 

(King, under his breath) And I'll just say I got a little too personal into Axis' se* life, apparently...

 

Axis glares at King, who throws up his hands in feigned innocence.

 

(King) What?

 

(Axis, flustered) Just... Shut up.

 

(King, smugly) Touchy, aren't we?

 

(Axis, tuning King out) And for the final match of the night, we have your SJL World Champ, Ejiro Fasaki, taking on Wildchild in what could be the culminating match of their feud. (turning to King, a little hesitantly) Anything of intelligence to say?

 

(King, looking a tad bit hurt) Yeah, actually... This is another one of those plain-jane matches, but there's always magic to be found in a belt bout. This one's been one of the longest-running feuds to date in the SJL, and there's good chance of these two getting bumped to the bigs. This will be the first time they've squared off in a honest-to-Dog singles match, so it'll be entertaining to see how much they let loose, or if they restrain too much because of the matches they've had in the past. And, though I'm not one for no-interference rules, it'll be interesting to see how these guys can handle things on their own.

 

Axis looks completely shocked. King shrugs.

 

(King) Don't look so surprised, asshol*. I choose when to be serious, and when to give you hell.

 

(Axis) Gee, thanks.

 

(King) Don't mention it.

 

(Axis) ...Hey, did you say "honest-to-Dog" back there?

 

(King, flatly and bluntly) No.

 

Axis looks at King for a moment, then back into the camera.

 

(Axis) But, to start off our night, a match that has grown into somewhat of a tradition here on SJL Pay-Per-Views. The Mall Brawl. We're not sure if this is the third, or the fourth, or what... But these have always been a treat.

 

(King) Yeah, you gotta enjoy six, or seven SJL wrestlers tearing up a local mall... While there's people in it! Stores trashed! People's psyches scarred for life! And always a surprise or two on top of that! It'll be something to watch! Heh heh... Bloo*, carnage, deat*, destruction.

 

King starts twitching like a fiend craving a fix. Axis slides his chair to the side, away from the Seizure King.

 

(Axis) Let's... Uhm... Let's go out to the mall with our Ben Hardy... Ben? Are you there?

 

-----(Transition)-----

 

The scene fades slowly back in to one of, compared to the Compaq Center, tranquility. Families out strolling the Promenade. Elderly couples on the benches. The sounds of money being spent, and lives being lived. The camera swings around to find the lovable tool known as the SJL's head interviewer, Ben Hardy.

 

(Hardy) Well greetings to all of you back at the Compaq Center, and greetings to all of you in TV land watching this SJL Pay-Per-View. Ben Hardy here, and welcome to Houston's largest area mall. Tonight's going to be an exciting night here as we hold our However-Many-th Annual Mall Brawl Match!

 

An impromtu fan base throws up a sizable cheer as the refs and Hardy gather towards the info kiosk. We see Matt Kivell, looking oddly beat up and not quite himself... He looks much worse than the punching bag he is. There's Anthony Michael Hall, the evil Eddy Long, Suxton-I mean-Sexton Hardcastle... And a few other zebra-stripers for convenient cannon fodder / winner callers. Hardy and company remove the cover from a decent-sized boombox, and Hardy grabs up the remote.

 

(Hardy) And now, for our superstar introductions!

 

Hardy taps the first control... Whirrwhirrwhirr*clang*...Whirrwhirrspinnnnn...

 

"I shut 'em down..."

 

The speakers do their best impression of the Compaq Center's sound system as the beats of LL Cool J's "Shut 'Em Down" (Suicide Spin remix) reverberate against the kiosk the crowd cheers and looks around for the first superstar until...

 

(Random Mall Patron) Hey, look! It's Steve Nash!

 

The patrons start to boo, and flow towards the sighting. The mall security grunts manage to beat the throng off of...

 

(Hardy) No, no, no folks... That is "Amazin'" Mike Van Siclen!

 

The crowd hears that, and starts cheering, making a hole for the SJLer. MVS parts the crowd, seeming to not mind the mistaken fans, but looking an awful lot like the Dallas Mavs star. He is focused, poised, and nods to Hardy as he gets to the area where they're starting. Hardy taps the remote control.

 

Whirrwhirrwhirr... Spinnnnn...

 

Fear Factory's "Resurrection" is the next track, driving the small crowd into a chorus of boos.

 

(Hardy) Our next combatant, from Sydney, Australia... The monster among men... Janus!

 

The crowd unconciously clears the way for the huge man, while booing . Janus pays no heed, and just drives ahead. Him and MVS get into a staring contest, and you can already feel the tension ratchet up in this little area.

 

Whirrwhirr... Clickclickspinnnnn...

 

"Wait and Bleed" by Slipknot tears out of the speakers, and the impromptu crowd starts to cheer.

 

(Hardy) The third victim, all the way from Easton, P-A... Insane... LUCHADOR!

 

One of the crowd favorites, the throng cheers for several moments, then there's a slow realization... IL's not coming the same way the others did. Everyone looks all around. Nothing... Then, one little boy looks -up-...

 

(Little Boy) What's that?

 

Everyone turns to where the boy points to see... A man dressed in skate gear on the third floor ledge. He leaps down, and falls... falls... falls... But is saved from a quick end by the short bungee attached to his waist. As he bounds back up about 6 feet, he quick-releases the harness he was in, back-flipping to a feet-first landing on the ground by the rest of the fighters. The crowd loves it, Janus and MVS are less than thrilled. And Hardy...

 

(Hardy) Next time, use the elevator... Sheesh.

 

IL just shrugs it off. Hardy shakes his head, and goes to the next track on the CD.

 

Whirrwhirrwhirrrrr... Clickspinnnnn...

 

As soon as "The World Is Not Enough" by Garbage is recognizable, the crowd whips into a frenzy! We can see Leon Sharpe working the crowd, shirt in hand. And faintly, through the cheers...

 

(Sharpe) C'mon, who wants THE shirt? I know someone wants it... Who's it gonna be???

 

Hardy chuckles, and brings the mike back up.

 

(Hardy) And now, the resident franchise man of the SJL, Leon Sharpe!

 

Having sold the shirt to a young, stunning redhea* (who, much to the dismay of Security and delight of the teenage guys in the crowd, is changing into it right here, right now), Leon jogs into the area with the other fighters, eyeing them up. He can -almost- go eye-to-eye with Janus, and that doesn't seem to faze him.

 

Clickclickclickwhirr... Spinnnnn...

 

Next we have "One Of A Kind" by Breaking Point... The fans are a little confused at this one.

 

(Hardy) Don't worry folks, you haven't heard this one before. It's a newbie... So, from New Haven, Connecticut... 6 foot-3, weighing in at 245 pounds... The... Omega... STORM!

 

The man known as the Omega Storm stalks through the opening in the crowd, seemingly sizing up his competition. He pats the tazer hooked to his belt, and smiles cunningly. The other wrestlers smirk, not caring how coc*y, arrogant, or anything else the new guy is. They see him as cannon fodder, nothing more. The crowd isn't sure what to think, so they kinda cheer, sort of.

 

Clickclickwhirrspinnnnn...

 

Next is "Three Libras" by A Perfect Circle. Again, the crowd's a bit confused.

 

(Hardy) Another new one, folks... Hang on. From Rosslare, Ireland... 6-4, weighing in at 248 pounds... Christian Blackwell!

 

Blackwell walks calmly into the area, measuring up his opposition. Again, a light pop from the crowd, and a less-than-thrilled response from the veterans. The other newbie, Storm, gives Blackwell a slight nod.

 

Clickclick... Whirr... Whirr... BANG! The last sound is the final thing the boombox ever does, as smoke and sparks come spitting out of the machine. The crowd scatters to a slightly safer distance.

 

(Hardy) Well isn't -that- a bitc*... Anyway, I'll just introduce our last contestant... C'mon out here, Cutthroat.

 

The crowd give a nice-sized pop for such a tool of a wrestler, but... We -are- in Texas, after all. There's nothing for a few moments, then... A Security

guard walks through the hole in the crowd.

 

(Guard, to Hardy) Excuse me, but there's a man in one of our restrooms...

 

The veterans groan to themselves. The refs cringe. Hardy, to his credit, keeps a straight face.

 

(Guard, continuing) ...He's a bit unnerving. Very strange attire, and he keeps screaming...

 

(Hardy, stopping the guard) Lemme guess... "Cutthroat", right?

 

The guard nods. Hardy sighs.

 

(Hardy) Yes, he's one of ours. We'll get him out soon. Thanks.

 

The guard walks off. Hardy looks at the refs, and they shrug.

 

(Hardy) Well, he's heard the rules before. We'll get him after we explain to everyone here and at home. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the famous SJL Mall Brawl match. The object is to find the golden balloon in the mall, pop it, read the card in the envelope, and get it to a referee for the win. The balloon will start up there...

 

Hardy points up at the Best Buy on the third floor, where the mall manager just released said gold balloon.

 

(Hardy) ...But it can float or be taken just about anywhere. The only rule is to find the balloon, and get the message to a ref. Got it?

 

Everyone nods, crac*s their knuckles, and glares at their competition.

 

(Hardy) Ohhhhh-kay then... I guess if there's no questions... Let's do it!

 

Hardy stupidly whips out a gun, and fires it into the air! The wrestlers and all but one of the refs are off like a bolt, but all the people in the mall are screaming, diving for cover... Security comes up and grabs Hardy by the arms, dragging him for the exits. Hardy looks at Se*ton.

 

(Hardy) Go get Cutthroat, and let him know it's on!

 

And with that, Hardy's 'escorted' out the doors, and into a waiting police car. Se*ton sighs.

 

(Hardcastle) What I do to get into a pay-per-view...

 

He stalks towards the restrooms, entering the door slowly.

 

(Hardcastle) Hey, Cutthroat... The match started... You've gotta move.

 

No response.

 

(Hardcastle) Cutthroat? Where the fuc* are you???

 

A groan from one of the last stalls. Se*ton approaches cautiously.

 

(Hardcastle) ... Cutthroat?

 

Se*ton notes a puddle under that last stall

 

(Hardcastle) Ewwwww! What the Hell, man?

 

Se*ton opens the stall door, and... Cutthroat pis*es in his eye!

 

(Cutthroat) CUTTHROAT!!!

 

(Hardcastle) Aaugh! Stop it! It burns! ACK!

 

Se*ton backs away, but Cutthroat continues to let loose a stream of pis* all over... The stall, the can, Se* ton, himself...

 

(Hardcastle) Damnit, that's enough!

 

Se*ton charges in, and kicks Cutthroat square in the jimmy. The pis* stops, and Cutthroat starts screaming like a sissy man. Se*ton gets close, and traps Cutthroat in... A knuckle lock! Cutthroat thrashes about, screaming in unbearable anguish. Se*ton cinches the hold, then slips in a puddle of pis*.

 

(Hardcastle) Shi*!!!

 

Se*ton hits the floor with a SPLASH! Cutthroat, the hold broken, takes off with uncanny speed. A few moments later, several security guards come charging. They see Se*ton just starting to stand, dripping in pis*.

 

(Guard) Uh... What happened in here? Someone heard a woman scream...

 

Se*ton just shakes his head angrily, and stalks out of the bathroom.

 

Meanwhile, on the second floor, the duo of Leon Sharpe and Janus are tearing it up. Rapid series of rights and lefts by the big men send people scrambling for cover. Janus gets in under Leon's guard, and super kicks him through a nearby game arcade window! Glass flies everywhere as the slightly smaller man plunges into a semi-darkness beyond. Janus steps forward, ready to follow, but stops when a much smaller, much less muscled man gets in his way.

 

(Dead Meat) Excuse me, sir... But I'm with the survey group located in the mall here. Do you have time to answer some questions?

 

Janus looks down, down, down at the man. He's bookish, wearing miles-thick glasses, a tweed suit, and pennyloafers. Janus tries to step around, but the man steps in the monster's way again.

 

(Really Dea* Meat) Sir, it would just take a few moments.

 

Not wanting to waste time and energy on something that... insignificant... Janus again tries to step around. And the man gets in his way again.

 

(Roadkill) Sir, I can make it well worth your... ULP!!!

 

The man's line is cut off as Janus lifts him by the lapels, a full foot off the ground, to look him dea* in the eye.

 

(Janus) Not... Interested...

 

The scrawny guy gets tossed into a nearby kiosk. Wood and plastic shoot everywhere, and in the middle is the survey man. He lies there for a moment, then sits up, brushing himself off. He looks at the behemoth entering the arcade.

 

(Lucky Man) Certainly, sir! But if you change your mind, please come see me!

 

Inside the arcade, Janus begins stalking his prey, Leon Sharpe. Teens and vid-geeks run for cover at the sight of such a huge man, but Janus stops one of them. The kid gulps, looking up at the big man, probably wetting himself.

 

(Janus) Where is the man that flew threw the window?

 

(Pimply Kid) He... He... He...

 

Shaking helplessly, the kid points towards the Turret Tower game off in the corner. Janus lets the kid go, and moves towards that way. He sees someone inside, and makes a break. He tears open the door to find...

 

(Janus) What's this?

 

What it is is a cardboard cut-out from when Virtua Fighter 4 first debuted... And a quickly-departing Leon Sharpe! Janus turns towards the door, but Sharpe closes the door, and jury-rigs the lock! Janus roars and rattles on the door, but to no avail. Sharpe grins from the other side of the glass.

 

(Sharpe) Lock's level 99, bitc*... And you don't have the smarts for it.

 

(Janus) When I get out of here...

 

(Sharpe, cutting him off) You're going to be puking your guts out, and walking upside down! Get the point?

 

Sharpe walks over to the wall as Janus blows off some steam inside the machine. Sharpe plugs the game in, and watches. Suddenly, all the lights come up in and out of the game. The sound of a motor getting some juice, and...

 

(Janus) YARGH!

 

Sharpe starts laughing as the game reveals why it was unplugged in the first place. Janus is a helpless victim as the 'turret' mechanism of the game starts spinning faster and faster! Janus goes to a knee against the gunner's chair as the game spins madly out of control.

 

(Sharpe, chuckling) Have fun in there, big guy.

 

Sharpe darts out the entrance as the motors in the game finally sputter out in a small burst of sparks and smoke. The machine slowly winds to a stop, and inside, Janus tries to stand. But, even with his abilities, he can't fight off nature and the human anatomy... He pitches forward, and busts right through the glass! And in the shards of colored glass, Janus lies, a groaning wreck...

 

Back on the first floor, the wrestler known as IL is looking in every store for the golden balloon that will give him a shot at stardom... Or, at least, another win under his belt. He sees a crowd of people.

 

(IL) Hmm... Wonder what that is...

 

As he's saying that, a group of young teenage guys come walking by with CDs in their hands.

 

(Teen 1) ...Yeah, I can't believe we got her autograph!

 

(Teen 2, haughtily) Yeah, we only stayed in line for an hour and a half.

 

(Teen 3, excited) But it was worth it... She's so hot!

 

(IL) Hey, who's over there?

 

(Teen 1, looking as he walks) Only the hottest singer to date!

 

(Teen 3) Yeah, it's Avril.

 

(IL, almost hypnotized) Avril... Lavigne?

 

(Teen 1) Yup, the one and only.

 

The kids walk off, and IL just... Stands there. He stands there for a few moments, until the lines thin out enough that he sees... Her.

 

(IL) Oh my...

 

Something snaps in his head. He looks around in desperation, then spies a skateboard left near some lockers. He rushes over to get it, and looks at it for a moment.

 

(IL) It's been a while... But anything for her...

 

A few moments later, up at the front of the line, the crowd has thinned out some... We can see the punkish singer, Avril Lavigne, taking time out to talk to some of her fans. She's smiling, really having a good time, and so are her faithful. A couple of geekish guys come walking by, looking to see what the hub-bub is about, and start snorting and chortling in that geekish kind-of way.

 

(Geek 1) Hey, Miss Lavigne... How's it feel to have a computer virus named after you?

 

The geeks keep laughing as they walk away, and Avril just shakes her head.

 

(Avril, lightly) I can't help that people like me a lot. But I don't condone taking advantage of celebrities like that.

 

The gathered crowd is pleasantly surprised at her, and that just makes her more likable. All the sudden, a commotion sparks up from the back of the line. The security guards start to tighten up around the group, and Avril stands up slowly.

 

(Avril) Anyone know what's going on back there?

 

Before anyone can answer, a young man on a skateboard comes zooming around the crowd, pulling a few crazy tricks, before stopping on the dime about 5 feet from where Avril is standing. Oh God... It's IL. The guards seem ready to pounce on this troublemaker, but Avril holds up a hand.

 

(Avril) Is there something I can do for you?

 

(IL) Yes, there is...

 

IL bends down on a knee.

 

(IL) Marry me!

 

The crowd snickers quietly. Avril, to her credit, is being very civil and calm about it... Probably happens all the time... Maybe.

 

(Avril) Well, I'm flattered... But I don't even know who you are.

 

IL lights up a huge smile.

 

(IL) Avril, dear... I'm your Sk8er Boi!

 

The crowd has a good laugh, and even Avril crac*s a smile.

 

(Random Voice) Hey! Watch out!

 

Everyone turns towards the voice, trying to see what's going on... IL, being a wrestler, has a slightly keener alertness and awareness... And he sees what's about to hit the fan!

 

(IL) Oh man...

 

(Mystery Voice) CUTTHROAT!!!

 

Yes, folks... Cutthroat comes charging full-bore out of the crowd, and... He trips! His stumbling and running carries him right into IL! The momentum is so much that it carries the duo straight back into the ill-placed and unlucky Avril Lavigne. The trio go tumbling back into the backdrop for the autograph session in a mass of limbs and curtains. Everyone seems unhurt.

 

(IL) That was no good...

 

(Cutthroat) CUTTHROAT!!!

 

(Avril) Uhm... Ow. Someone get that curtain rod off my thigh.

 

(IL, with a hint of excitement) That's no curtain rod...

 

(Avril, disgusted) GAH!

 

Avril delivers a swift knee to the 'curtain rod', and IL yelps in man pain, stumbling away from the pile-up. Avril slowly rises to her feet, shaking out the cobwebs, then looks down at Cutthroat.

 

(Avril) And just who are you?

 

Cutthroat looks up at her a moment...

 

(Cutthroat) CUTTHROAT!!!

 

He leaps up, and blows a humungous belch in her face! Avril grapples at her throat, gasping and gagging as Cutthroat takes off in the general direction of IL.

 

(Avril) Ugh...! Chili dogs with garlic and onions... Rotten meat... And... And... Pis*?

 

She finally goes down for the count. So did everyone else within 25 feet of the blast.

 

Back on the second floor now, as we see Leon Sharpe and Janus locked back up... Janus looks somewhat recovered after taking a spin, though he's a bit ied. Sharpe looks... Well... Sharp. A hundred feet or so down the corridor, we see the two newbies, Omega Storm and Christian Blackwell, tusslin' and tanglin'. All of this fighting is cutting a path through the crowd towards the toy store. Janus manages to launch Sharpe into the store through the front door with an Irish Whip... Blackwell, however, is a little more stunning and pulls off a release german suplex on Storm... And puts him right through the plate glass! That sends the crowd inside scattering (though I'm not sure why a 6'10" rumbling mass of muscle whipped through the front door wouldn't do the same...). The cashier looks up, petrified.

 

(Cashier) Hey! You know you can't do that!

 

Blackwell comes through the shattered window, and stares at the cashier. At the same time, Janus walks through the front door, looking for Sharpe. The cashier blinks a few times.

 

(Cashier, quietly) Or... You can do whatever you want, really...

 

He hides under the counter. Blackwell picks Storm back up, and hip tosses him onto one of those roll-out plastic toy keyboards. The noise the combined keypresses make seem to accentuate the grimace on Storm's face. Blackwell doesn't let up, sliding down and locking Storm up in the Triangle Hold... Just looking to wear a combatant down so that it's that much easier later on. Unfortunately Janus, not having found Sharpe right away, decides to take out some mayhe* on someone else, and elbows Blackwell in the head, breaking the hold. Blackwell recovers and looks up at the big man.

 

(Blackwell) One should know when not to interrupt another's work.

 

Janus replies by short-arm clotheslining Blackwell into a basket of video games.

 

(Janus) I interrupt when I want to, little man.

 

Just then, Sharpe launches himself through the air off the cashier's counter, and slams Janus into a pile of squeaky plush toys with a flying clothesline! Sharpe grabs one of the plushes, and starts 'pummeling' Janus.

 

(Sharpe) Say you like teddy bears, damnit! Say you like 'em!

 

Janus either doesn't like them, or doesn't like Sharpe, or both... The monster lances out with a hand, latching onto Sharpe's throat!

 

(Janus) You're... Beginning... To... Annoy... Me...

 

He stands slowly out of the pile of fluff, with Sharpe struggling in his grip. Janus locks the other hand over the first, and lifts up... Could it be? A chokeslam on the floor? Blackwell has something to say about that as he manages to get a high basball slide kick into the back of Janus' knees. The giant buckles, wavers, then falls, bringing Sharpe down with him! The trio is in a pile for a moment, then Sharpe gets to his feet and smiles at the prone form of Blackwell.

 

(Sharpe) Thanks, I owe you one... I'll get you a shirt at 10% off, how's that?

 

Sharpe chuckles, and trots out of the store. Blackwell, meanwhile, slowly extracts himself from under the big man's frame. He looks around for Storm, who's slipped out quietly and conveniently.

 

(Blackwell) Damn... The chase is on once again.

 

And with that, he takes off out of the store. Janus, catching his breath, finally comes to his feet with a roar.

 

(Janus) I'm going to find that man... And when I do...

 

He growls, clenching his fists, and leaves through the shattered window. The cashier, after a few moments of silence, creeps out from under the register.

 

(Cashier, quietly) Thank you, come again.

 

We go to the third floor... We find Omega Storm, walking down the corridors of the mall, peeking in each store, in search of the elusive gold balloon. He stops a janitor on their way to... Who knows where.

 

(Storm) Excuse me, you haven't happened upon a gold-colored balloon, have you?

 

(Janitor, looking up) Uhm... No. Did your child lose it?

 

(Storm, smirking) Yeah, my kid lost it.

 

(Janitor) Well, I'd try the lost and found then, first floor.

 

And the janitor starts on his way. Storm looks about to knock the guy's head clean off, but decides against it. Suddenly, he feels the sensation of thousands of tiny fists banging on his back. He laughs.

 

(Storm) Stop it, that tickles...

 

(Voice From Behind) CUTTHROAT!!!

 

Storm turns around, and... Yes, there stands Cutthroat. His hits on Storm's body slow, then finally stop. The two stare at each other for a moment.

 

(Storm) You have to be kidding...

 

(Cutthroat) CUTTHROAT!!!

 

(Storm, blinking and holding his nose) Jeez! And you smell like pis*, too! What's wrong with you, man???

 

Cutthroat tries several times in a row to lay backhands on Storm's chest, but... They're about as effective as wet noodles. Storm sighs, then nails Cutthroat with a heart punch! The delusional one hits the ground like a ton of bricks. Storm picks him up by the hair, looking around for a moment. He grins, then starts dragging Cutthroat towards a store. Once inside, the woman looks at the duo with a very confused, slightly freaked expression.

 

(Woman, hesitant) Can... I help you... Gentlemen?

 

(Storm) Yeah, I need a new wardrobe for my friend here.

 

Cutthroat groans softly, unawares. The cameraman backs out of the store, not wanting to be a part of this, but he -does- catch the store's name on the way out:

 

"Victoria's Secret"

 

Meanwhile, on the ground floor, we run into a little scuffle with MVS and IL. The two trade punches, kicks, and verbal barbs as people watch.

 

(MVS) Why the Hell (punch) are you still (punch, block) in the JL anyway? (kick, block, feint) You've been here (punch, duck) forever!

 

(IL) Hey! Maybe (kick, block) I like it here... (punch, kick) It's not like you're (duck, block) on your way up (punch, punch, kick) anytime soon.

 

(MVS) Well... (kick, dodge, punch) I'm better than you!

 

(IL) How do you know? (punch, duck, dodge) You're still here too!

 

The two look at each other for a moment.

 

(MVS) You ever get the feeling that someone was giving you the royal screw job?

 

(IL) Yeah, my whole career.

 

(MVS) Hmm... I've got a plan.

 

(IL) Oh yeah?

 

(MVS) Yeah. Since we're the younger group in the JL, I say we team up and take these older farts on... Show 'em what youth is about!

 

IL ponders this for a moment, then grins.

 

(IL) I like it... Let's win this match, and go right to the top!

 

(MVS) Right!

 

The two take off, but you can hear...

 

(IL) Y'know, I almost got it on with Avril Lavigne today...

 

Suddenly the two stop.

 

(MVS) That's it! I can't team with you now!

 

(IL) Huh...?

 

Before IL can ask anything, MVS nails the poor boy with a spinning wheelkick, and drops him to the deck. MVS runs off, leaving IL laying there.

 

(IL) Damn... No taste in good music.

 

Back to the third floor... Outside Victoria's Secret... And a God-awful sight. Storm is still dragging Cutthroat around, but now... Cutthroat is out of his wrestling attire, and in a very, -very- sheer red bra with hearts and white lace... And a matching set of panties. People are repulsed, and run when they see the pair. Storm drags the helpless Cutthroat around, and punches him in the head when he resists.

 

(Storm) See? It looks good on you, trust me.

 

(Cutthroat, slurred) Cut... Throat...

 

(Storm) Now, a place to show you off... A-ha!

 

Storm looks diagonal from the store to a Western bar (oddly placed, don't you think? So close to the Victoria's Secret...). He grins, and drags Cutthroat that way. When in front, he stands Cutthroat up, and looks at him.

 

(Storm) This is where I let you off. Happy trails, buddy.

 

He back up, and gets ready to let Cutthroat have it with a kick to the jaw, but stops.

 

(Storm) Oh, and Cutthroat?

 

Cutthroat looks up.

 

(Storm) Instead of saying your name all the time, start mooing. It's better ratings. Got it?

 

Cutthroat moos. Storm grins, then lets him have it with a nastily stiff jaw kick. Cutthroat drops to the ground, and Storm immediately follows up with the Unpredictable Weather. He leaves Cutthroat wrapped up as something catches his eye.

 

(Storm) Oh, this could be interesting...

 

He takes off towards a store down the way. Meanwhile, a large, obviously drunk cowboy-type comes stumbling out of the Western bar. He stops, and his jaw drops as he sees Cutthroat in his ie, in a rather helpless position.

 

(Cowboy, words accompanied by the scent of beer) Well lookie here... You're looking mighty fine, little missie. And all bundled up in a package for a nice cow-poke like me... I must be having a lucky day... Tell me, sugar... What's your name?

 

Cutthroat, remembering what Storm had said and seeing the camera on him, moos. The cowboy gets a y look about him, and grins maniacally.

 

(Cowboy) Well... I gotta say that this -is- a real lucky day then! (looking up at the cameraman, who's been trying to back away the whole time) And you got yourself a camera? You're a feisty, little heifer, ain't ya? Well, don't worry... Daddy'll take you all back to his ranch so he can brand ya, and saddle y'all up for a long ride! Yee-haw!

 

Cutthroat is helpless as the cowboy picks him up in one arm, still lock in the submission hold, still mooing. The cameraman (God have mercy on his soul) is plucked up as well, and the camera itself... Mercifully cuts off from the rest of the world. Good luck, boys! Meanwhile, on another camera, we see Mike Van Siclen running towards... Something... But we can't quite make it out. The camera gets into a good position, and we see... A gold balloon!!! Mike could win this sucker! He grabs up the balloon, then looks around. He sees a ref turning the corner down a ways, so he hauls ass towards the ref...

 

(MVS) Hey! Hey! Waitaminute!!!

 

The ref turns... Man, he looks awfully familiar. At any rate, he approaches MVS with a smile.

 

(Referee) Looks like you found it! Good job!

 

He -sounds- vaguely familiar, too...

 

(MVS) Alright, so I have to pop it, open the envelope, and read the card, right?

 

The ref nods, so MVS pops the balloon, and grabs the envelope before it can fall to the ground below. He tears it open, and looks at the card inside.

 

(MVS) Hand this to a ref for your prize... Okay, seems simple enough.

 

MVS reaches out to hand the ticket to the ref... The ref... Grabs his arm hard, and yanks MVS towards him! MVS, filled with pride and tasting the win, can't react as the ref levels him to the ground with a short-arm clothesline! Smoothly, the ref reaches on his belt, and pulls off a pager-looking device. He slams it into MVS' side, and watches in delight as MVS shakes and gyrates... And then goes limp.

 

(Not-So-Ref) Sweet dreams.

 

The 'ref' grins evilly, and slips out of hte costume to reveal... OMEGA STORM! He slips the tazer back to his side, and chuckles. He looks across the way at two stores: The arts and crafts store, and the costume shop.

 

(Storm) I owe you guys!

 

Storm takes off as MVS groans quietly on the floor.

 

Meanwhile, on the ground floor, Sharpe is stalking about, looking for the balloon... He's full of pride, having embarassed the monster, Janus, at nearly every turn they've met.

 

(Sharpe) Damn, I'm go--ULP!!!

 

The sudden cut-off in gloating speech is caused by a pair of massive paws clamped around Sharpe's throat. Those paws are connected to two -huge- arms, and those arms... Connected to one pis*ed-off Janus!

 

(Janus) There you are, little man... Prepared to die yet?

 

Sharpe wriggles and writhes, trying to break free. Janus hauls Sharpe up into a vertical suplex, then turns it into the starts of a Tombstone! Oh, the humanity! Janus holds him there in a herculean show of strength.

 

(Janus, snarling) Any last words?

 

(Sharpe, breathing hard) Yeah... CUP CHECK!

 

Janus doesn't realize what this means until... WHAM! Sharpe slams his free hand into the family jewels of Janus! The big man just buckles, releasing his hold on Sharpe. Leon manages to roll out of the way just barely before getting crushed by a 350 pound falling sack of meat. Sharpe catches his wind, and kicks the big man in the side.

 

(Sharpe) Guess you weren't wearing one.

 

He takes off just as Janus bellows like Hell itself opened up, and stands slowly.

 

All of the sudden, there's chaos and mayhe* abounding all over the mall... The balloon (the real one this time) has been sighted, and six SJL superstars are Hell-bent on being the first one to get it! The balloon, unawares that it's causing so much of a commotion, floats merrily along on the second floor, near the sportswear store. Omega Storm and Chris Blackwell are the first to be anywhere close, jockeying for position as they run down one hall. Janus and Leon Sharpe approach from another direction, stopping every 5 feet to blast each other in the face with repeated punches. MVS and IL come from a third lane, MVS just trying to avoid IL for even thinking Avril Lavigne was something worth while. The 6 superstars are almost to the storefront when... POP!!! The half-dozen men look at each other with an unbelieving look, then step in front of the store's main door. There's a ceiling fan... And on that ceiling fan, there are pieces of gold balloon, along with pieces of gold balloon strewn all over the store. Se*ton leads the troupe of referees to the storefront, and gaze dismayingly upon the scene.

 

(Hardcastle) Well ain't that just a bitc*...

 

The 6 superstars look at Se*ton, then take off into the store, ready to tear, rend, and destroy to get the envelope. The cashiers and workers wisely don't say a word, and get the Hell out of the way as clothes, people, and clothesracks go flying throughout the store. IL climbs to the top of one of the upright racks, getting a bit better view of the chaos below. He spies a likely victim... Omega Storm, who is bent over, looking under some fallen clothes for the envelope. IL leaps down, planting a leg in the small of Storm's back. The two tumble into the shirts, and start pounding on each other with rights and lefts. Elsewhere, Janus is eyeing a clothing rack when Sharpe plants a tons-sizes-too-small Yankees jersey over Janus' head (it wouldn't fit much past his shoulders)! Janus roars and bellows like a bull stuck with a sword, and goes careening into clothesracks, and... Unfortunately for him, Mike Van Siclen. MVS gets completely run over, but not before MVS takes the giant down with a drop toe hold. Janus can't quite catch himself, as his arms are half-pinned by the shirt, and MVS jumps on his back, wailing the Hell out of the back of his head. The big man bellows, and MVS bails ship before Janus rips the jersey (A Derek Jeter one... Oh damn) completely apart. Christian Blackwell and Sharpe enter the picture now, locked up and trying to gain leverage through piles of hats and the like. The wrestlers seem to draw closer and closer to each other in their little in-fighting until there's 5 on them fighting each other within about a foot and a half space. Waitaminute... Just 5? Who's missing? Wait... There's someone coming out from underneatn a pile of batting practice jackets, or something... It's Omega Storm! And he's got the envelope!!! The other 5 combatants look and see what's transpiring, and leap down on the newbie, Storm. There's fists thrown, kicks, shoving, biting... Poor Storm is at the bottom of the pile, more or less stuck. Out of the pile, the envelope floats out, but no one seems aware. After a few moments, the fighting slows to something tolerable, with all 5 men standing. They look around for a moment.

 

(MVS) Where's the envelope?

 

(IL, pointing to Storm) He had it last.

 

(Storm, showing his hands) Not anymore.

 

Everyone looks around for a moment, then spies...

 

(Sharpe, pointing) There!

 

(Blackwell) It's mine!

 

(IL) Not if I get there first!

 

The 6 men jump for the same spot, which the laws of physics counteract with interesting results. IL and MVS bounce harmlessly off of Janus' sprawled frame, and end up to the side. That, combined with the fact that Sharpe jumped -on- Janus, prevent Janus from getting full spring, and he falls short. Blackwell pulls himself short as MVS crosses his path. Storm jumped for Janus' feet, seeing that he needed to stop the tallest body from getting there. But, with Janus stopping, Storm winds up going -over- Janus and Sharpe, and... Impacting the wall! He's the first one to realize where he ended up, though, and grabs the envelope... Again! The other 5 try to scramble to their feet, but Storm is already beating a path for the door. IL and MVS are easily the fastest, and catch up to Storm just before he makes it to the threshold. The pair each grab a leg, and bring the envelope-holder down! Storm tries to kick the two away, but they cling tenaciously. Storm reaches down with a free hand, unclipping the tazer from his side. In a fluid motion, he jams it into MVS' arm!

 

(MVS) Damnit, not again... OWWWWW!!!

 

MVS grabs his arm and rolls away, leaving only IL left. Storm tries to tazer him too, but IL moves himself out of the way, while still hanging on.

 

(Storm) Damnit, you little bug... Let go!

 

(IL) That card is my ticket to stardom, bitc*! I'm not going to let some newbie steal my glory!

 

As IL makes his move to grab the envelope, Storm brings up a knee into IL's manhood!

 

(IL) AAUGH!!! Not again!

 

IL crumples back, and Storm runs for the doorway! Janus, Sharpe, and Blackwell not far behind, Storm reaches down, and hits a switch on the wall by the doorway as he dives for the outside of the store... *ClinkclinkclinkclinkSLAM!* The iron security gate drops down! Janus slams into it at full bore, bending it out, but it stays. Sharpe crashes into Janus' back, and Blackwell hits as well. All three go down in a pile as Storm raises his hand in victory! Matthew Kivell comes over as Storm tears the envelope open. The 5 other combatants do their best to bust down the security gate, but no luck, thanks to a strong agnetic seal at the bottom. Storm triumphantly pulls out the ticket inside the envelope, and reads it for the world to hear:

 

(Storm) "Sorry! This ticket is not an instant... Winner... Please... Try again?"

 

He looks at Kivell, and just about pulls the man out of his skin as he lifts him up by the lapels.

 

(Storm) I went through all that... For THIS???

 

Kivell shakes his head.

 

(Kivell) No, no, no... You're the winner, you're the winner of the match!

 

Storm lets him down slowly, then nods.

 

(Storm) Well... You gonna raise my hand in victory, or what?

 

Kivell looks a little relieved as he comes over and brings Storm's arm up as the victor. Storm revels in it for a moment, then... He grabs Kivell, taking him up at a 90 degree angle! Storms falls forward, but releases his hold on Kivell. The ref / dark match jobber screams as he's sent flying over the second floor guardrail after a beautiful release, reverse, fallaway slam. Down he sails like a two-winged lawn dart, and... SPLOOSH!!! Kivell belly-flops hard into the fountain below! Storm brushes his hands against each other, then smiles into the camera.

 

(Storm) Random violenc*. Good ratings booster. Back to the arena.

 

-----(Transition)-----

 

The fans are in an absolute fever after this hellacious match. Axis and King are stunned.

 

(Axis) This match... This match was...

 

(King, suddenly very animate and excited) It was the absolute best ever! I've never seen anything like it! The carnage, the trickery! The absolute, sheer random chaos of it all! Gawd, I love it!!! The sheer, random...!!!

 

King suddenly spins around, and leaps into the crowd... And tackles an unsuspecting David Carr (he should be suspecting these kind of things, after the year he had)! At the corner of the screen, a box pops up: "David Carr, Houston Texans - Career Sacks: 77" Next to the "77", a "+1" pops up. Axis sighs softly as the med-techs tend to Carr. King is bounding up and down the aisles, like a kid on a sugar high.

 

(Axis) We'll be right back with the Tag Team Tables Match after this message...

 

-----(Fade to black)-----