USA Today's Top 10 People of 2004

[The Decemberists 0]

10. Michael Moore. Love him or hate him, at least he got up from his chair and did something he believed in. What did I like about Fahrenheit 9/11? It got people talking and thinking as they left the theater. Usually, the only thing you hear after a movie is, "Wanna get some beer?" or "That man stole my cab!"

 

9. Bill Murray. OK, so I'm placing him at No. 9 before I see him in The Life Aquatic. But after seeing him swig joe in Coffee & Cigarettes and watching him in Lost in Translation so many times, I'm pretty much assured an enjoyable experience at the new Wes Anderson flick. And, oh yeah, I'm willing to forgive him for Garfield.

 

8. Kate Winslet. She's so good, you don't even realize she's good until weeks afterward. Her performances in Eternal Sunshine and Finding Neverland are certainly worthy of recognition come awards-show time.

 

7. Natalie Portman. I'll be delighted when the Star Wars movies are over and she can start playing a woman again. And, judging by how engaging she was in Garden State and Closer, I'm guessing she probably agrees.

 

6. Bono. This year he wanted to save and rock the world. And, boy, isn't it refreshing to see them playing live on all the talk shows instead of using those suspicious "backing tracks?"

 

5. Zach Braff. Will someone please return Scrubs to its proper timeslot? Ever since the debut of Veronica Mars and the new season of Amazing Race, I've spent Tuesday nights making my remote sweat. This year, to go along with his perfect little TV show, Braff made a perfect little movie (well, except for the last five minutes, but we can talk about that later), put together a perfect little soundtrack and kept a perfect little blog. If he ever needs a perfect little biographer, he knows who to call.

 

4. Morrissey. Was this year of magnificent musical comebacks or what? Moz may have a few gray hairs in those sideburns, but otherwise he's the same fellow we grew up idolizing and quoting until we were sent to the counselor's office. On You Are the Quarry, he greets us with a pin-striped suit and a Tommy gun ... and tells America where to "shove your hamburgers."

 

3. Napoleon Dynamite. I hate making people share, but this entry belongs to six people: Jon Heder, who played Napoleon in the movie; writer and director Jared Hess; and actors Efren Ramirez (Pedro), John Gries (Uncle Rico), Aaron Ruell (Kip) and Tina Majorino (Deb). Without all of them, a movie about the frizzy-haired outcast with a heart of gold wouldn't have been the same. I'll be quoting it for the next 10 years. Now gimme a tot before I break out my bowstaff.

 

2. Johnny Depp. If he doesn't win the Oscar this year for Finding Neverland, I'm going to burglarize the home of the man who does. (That is, unless Liam Neeson gets it. I don't think I'd win that fight. But I could easily take down Paul Giamatti.)

 

1. Jon Stewart. What amazes me about Stewart and The Daily Show team isn't how many things they accomplished this year — it's the fact they still haven't failed. Whether it's the show, Stewart's Crossfire appearance, the book, the commemorative plates or what have you, his hold on comedy and the country keeps growing. Next year he could own us all.

 

Read, discuss, argue etc etc.

[therealworldschampion 0]

10. Michael Moore. Love him or hate him, at least he got up from his chair and did something he believed in. What did I like about Fahrenheit 9/11? It got people talking and thinking as they left the theater. Usually, the only thing you hear after a movie is, "Wanna get some beer?" or "That man stole my cab!"

 

That's a lie, the only way Mikey is getting up from his chair is to go to McDonald's for another Double Quarter Pounder.

[Guest Cerebus]

This is terrible.

 

USA Today is usually great for the sports section while the rest of isn't even good enough for toilet paper.

 

And I hold this article as exhibit A in my defense of that claim.

[MarvinisaLunatic 0]

Thats got to be the worst top 10 list since the last top 10 list I read..

[The Mandarin 0]

This is one person's biased picks. Why is this in a newspaper and not in a blog or something?

 

Here's my top ten that I plan on submitting to the National Post, then.

 

10) Generic indy rock band ("Franz Ferdinand", "Modesty Mouse"?)

9) Ted Bundy

8) Mel Brooks

7) Rodney Dangerfield

6) The Unknown Soldier

5) That one guy from the Burger King commercials with the high pitched voice

4) Jesus Christ

3) Laci Peterson

2) La Bamba

1) Britney Spears

 

© Funk, 2004

 

With the funds I generate from this, maybe I'll be able to eat lunch for a week!

[Highland 0]

I confess to being ignorant as to who some of the celebrities in the originally posted top 10 list are.

[kkktookmybabyaway 0]

That's a lie, the only way Mikey is getting up from his chair is to go to McDonald's for another Double Quarter Pounder.

Good work, my young Padwan...

[Guest Failed Mascot]

I hope you aren't teaching him to dis the Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese, kkk. Every few months that's a very enjoyable burger if the cheese is melted just right.

[kkktookmybabyaway 0]

Oh, I'm not hatin' the Double QP and all its greasy goodness. I don't even want to know how far I moved my impending heart attack up from all those burgers I scarfed down...

[EricMM 0]

I can't believe you all are still making Moore is fat jokes.

 

Ok, fine, you had your year. Next year, no more OMGMOORE'SFAT2004.

 

Call him wrong. Notice I don't go in for all those Bush=chimp comments either.

[Highland 0]

You are right, of course.....

 

Next year it'll be OMGMOOREISFATLOL!2005!

[The Czech Republic 0]

Well at least they gave props to Morrissey, but I agree that USA Today is nothing more than rainbow fluff. Seriously, who here actually reads USA Today on a daily basis? It's a joke of a paper. Color graphs, who gives a shit. I read the Chicago Tribune and the Wall Street Journal. Those are fucking newspapers. USA Today is what I read when there's nothing better to look at while I wait for Darlene to bring my Grand Slam over at Denny's.

[BX 0]

I wipe my ass with USA Today, and then leave it on the lunch table. Not worth my time.

[Highland 0]

There are better brands of toilet paper.

[BX 0]

Not at school, there ain't.

[The Czech Republic 0]

He's right, you know.

[BUTT 0]

I'd never wipe my ass with a newspaper. That shit would be rough.

[kkktookmybabyaway 0]

I can't believe you all are still making Moore is fat jokes.

Believe it, hippie.

 

Ok, fine, you had your year.  Next year, no more OMGMOORE'SFAT2004.

 

Kiss my ass -- Mikey fat jokes hold their own special place here.

 

Call him wrong.

 

It's been done before, and the Moore-ons that follow him didn't want to hear it.

 

Notice I don't go in for all those Bush=chimp comments either.

 

You're my hero. You're an upstanding, kind, caring citizen.

 

I, however, am not...

[Guest Cerebus]

I wipe my ass with USA Today, and then leave it on the lunch table. Not worth my time.

The sports section IS good (and not just b/c my father in law used to write for it).

[Lando Griffin 0]

They put Zach Braff on the list, so that's a plus.

 

On the other hand, they gave blind praise to The Life Aquatic, which looks absolutely horrible.

[Guest Mosaicv2]

Michael Moore should be #1.... BLAH BLAH BLAH!!

[geniusMoment 0]

I enjoy both the Moore is fat jokes and the Bush is a chimp jokes. But, then again I am an asshole, who only cares about himself. Everyone else can go fuck themselves for all I care, both liberal and conservative.

[kkktookmybabyaway 0]

Then again I am an asshole, who only cares about himself.

So you're a Republican.

 

Welcome to the club...