PROMO: The Burden of The Elite

[Toshiaki Koala 0]

Backstage, Longdogger Pete is standing in front of a large SWF logo. He is holding a microphone.

 

With him is an unknown man. A handsome, blond-haired man in a white shirt and a navy blue blazer. He is not very tall or menacing, but an air of incredible arrogance pervades his every motion. As Pete begins to speak, he adjusts his cuff links and stares smugly out at the audience.

 

“Ladies and gentleman, I am here–”

 

The blond man reaches over and places his hand over the top of the microphone, preventing Pete from continuing to speak. He smiles, then gently coaxes the mic out the indignant announcer’s grasp. He clears his throat in an exaggerated fashion before beginning.

 

“Hello, fans of the Smarks Wrestling Federation. For those of you who don’t know me – but who doesn’t? – I am Scott Pretzler. Proud son of Canada, legend of the North American independent wrestling scene, and the author of the weekly Pretzler’s Perspective, the most widely read professional wrestling column on the World Wide Web.” His speech is slow and smooth – and again, radiates superiority.

 

“You may be asking yourself, as you sit there twiddling your thumbs and staring vacantly at your television sets, just why I have come here. Why I have decided to grace the SWF with my ever-luminous presence. You may be wondering why I have left the intelligent and appreciative audience of the Ring of Respect and chosen instead to entertain a rowdy bunch of tobacco-chewing halfwits who wouldn’t know a real wrestling match if it raped them in the ass with a spiked dildo.” At this remark, the crowd boos savagely and begins to chant the seven-letter letter word.

 

“AAAAAASSS-HOLE! AAAAAASSS-HOLE!”

 

Rather than becoming angry, Pretzler merely stands there, a satisfied smile making its way across his face. He waits patiently until the yokels lose interest in their chant.

 

“If –”

 

“BOOOOOO!”

 

“If that is the case, then fear not! For I will gladly explain my situation.”

 

He adjusts his collar and continues.

 

“For as long as I can remember, wrestling in this country has been on a constant and steady decline. A downward spiral, if you will. I don’t know exactly when it began or what triggered it, but in recent years new lows have been reached. The men who compete are no longer wrestlers but “entertainers” or “superstars.” The women are nothing more than shapely slabs of meat. Rather than adding weight to what goes on in the ring, storylines have taken center stage and now dominate every facet of every major wrestling promotion in the United States…

 

“Including this one.

 

“Especially this one.

 

“As the great Tom Flesher recently pointed out, the owners, performers, and audience of the SWF seem to have completely forgotten what that ‘W’ in our name stands for. It has given me immense pain to watch as this once-respectable promotion has been overrun by a pathetic series of melodramatic angles that would be right at home on The O.C. or Xena: Warrior Princess, but have absolutely NO PLACE on a program that claims to focus on professional wrestling. I won’t bother to go into detail about these atrocities – yes, atrocities – as Mr. Flesher has already done so with commendable eloquence. Suffice it to say, though, that these details should roil the stomach of any level-headed wrestling enthusiast.

 

“I should note, however, that we once had a man who wrestled in a penguin suit. Take a while and ponder that thought.

 

…

 

“Worse yet, there has been a severe deterioration with regards to the action inside the ring. ‘Hardcore’ matches, ‘slobber-knockers,’” (Pretzler pauses in the middle of the word to accentuate the hyphen,) “‘brawls,’ and ‘street fights’ have come to replace serious athletic competition. Almost every match, from the lowliest opener to the most prestigious main event, features some manner of weapon use or foul play. And it is disgraceful. Disgraceful.

 

“You should all be ashamed of yourselves for allowing it to continue.”

 

The audience is anything but ashamed. They are, however, deeply insulted, and the young Canadian is once again bombarded by boos and jeers.

 

“For the past thirty-two months, I have been a competitor in the northeast-based independent federation Ring of Respect. During that time, I became the most prolific titleholder and possibly the greatest performer in the company’s storied history. My Tildebang driver and Snowflake Clutch submission were among the most feared maneuvers in the world. Several of my matches were named the best of the year by myself or other noted writers. I was admired by all who loved great wrestling. Money was never really a part of the issue, and for a time I was perfectly content with remaining where I was. But there was a problem.

 

“You see, I, too, love wrestling.

 

“I believe that through my ring work and my writing, I have changed the way many people think about the sport. I believe that I have opened many eyes to the beauty of a clean and pure wrestling contest. And yet… there is only so much that one can do from such a position. As influential as independent promotions like ROR have been, the truth remains that American pro wrestling lives and dies with major leagues. With companies like the Smarks Wrestling Federation.

 

“So when representatives of the SWF came to me offering a developmental deal, I was hesitant. The idea of leaving Ring of Respect, of essentially leaving my home, was unbearable. I had made so many friends there, and so many indelible memories. But I could not ignore my duty. I knew that the SWF was the only place where I could truly make a difference, and I knew that if I tried hard enough I could change the SWF. And if this were to happen, North American professional wrestling could be saved.”

 

The camera zooms in, showing his face in close-up.

 

“So here I am.”

 

Fade out.

[Toxxic 0]

Tildebang Driver? Man, Tom would be sueing you already if you hadn't credited him so much! Nice promo, although you'll have to battle it out with Max King for top 'arrogant dickhead' status.

[janusd 0]

Tildebang Driver?

That's the best move name Ever.

 

I'm also liking the arrogant vibe this character gives off. The saviour of professional wrestling, eh?

 

Commence hazing!

[muzz 0]

Fuck Tom's ego.

[Dace59 0]

Ohhh, I like, I like. Nice to finally see you introducing yourself man.

I do like the character and only have about one complaint about your stats...truly shocking.

 

I look forwards to seeing how good your matches are and to hopefully marking them as well.

[Toshiaki Koala 0]

I do like the character and only have about one complaint about your stats...truly shocking.

Complain away. I'm sure I can take it.

 

And just wait until you see his assholery at the Clusterfuck.

[Toxxic 0]

Is this where we all shit on him for using Mark's Seventh Inning Stretch?

[Secret Agent 0]

*Reads stats*

 

It's Fugue!!

 

Nice promo, man.